


we should ride this wave to shore

by ClarionGlass



Series: everything is fine!! chatverse [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, M/M, No beta we kayak like Tim, Texting, The Mechanisms Were Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist's College | University Band, but boy am i having fun with it, but it's a happy group chat fic full of fun and banter and shitty chat nicknames, but nobody will die!!! i promise!!!, contains one (1) cool concert, eta yes the spooky does exist but it's spooky lite, everything bows in the face of shit jokes, hell i haven't even decided if the spooky exists in this fic or not, i just want everyone to be safe and happy and alive, i will be picking and choosing bits of canon as it suits me, more characters will be added, so i'll update the tags as needed, the band thing became a bigger part of this than i was expecting!, this is a relevant tag now!, this is purely self-indulgent fluff okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 132,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClarionGlass/pseuds/ClarionGlass
Summary: “archives research & statement envestigation”Timothy Stokerrenamed the group “drinks drinks drinks”Timothy StokerchangedSasha James’s nickname tosaucy sashTimothy StokerchangedMartin Blackwood’s nickname tomartini kartTimothy Stokerchanged his nickname tostonkedstonked:so how bout it ladssaucy sash:oh god.A TMA group chat fic where the worst problems they have to deal with start with "h" and end with "angovers"
Relationships: Basira Hussain/Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Georgie Barker & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Georgie Barker & the assistants, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: everything is fine!! chatverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800145
Comments: 2454
Kudos: 1809





	1. drinks drinks drinks

**Author's Note:**

> Ayeee it's another TMA group chat fic because while I adore what's going on in the actual plot, I am in denial and I desperately need everyone to be happy and safe and alive in lieu of the hugs I cannot give them. Plus also I am a fiend for chatfics so here we goooo  
> Canon doesn't exist--or rather, it exists to a certain and very flexible extent, but bows in the face of keeping everyone alive and untraumatised :)

Friday, 3:14 P.M.

_ "archives research & statement envestigation" _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group "drinks drinks drinks" _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_saucy sash_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_martini kart_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed his nickname to _ **_stonked_ **

**stonked:** so how bout it lads

**saucy sash:** oh god.

**saucy sash:** how about what?

**stonked:** sasha my love i know ur not that dumb

**stonked:** ur being ""deliberately obtuse""

**stonked:** quote unquote mr bossman @ me this morn

**saucy sash:** wait

**saucy sash:** tim

**saucy sash:** timothy stoker. are you the reason there was no tape in the labelmaker after i Know i replaced the roll two days ago?

**saucy sash:** and is that at all related to jon asking you to label the last few things you’ve gone through?

**saucy sash:** and, pray tell, does that have anything to do with the fact i saw a label on the breakroom fridge reading "fridge"? i didn’t investigate further but i expect everything in the fridge was also labelled? unnecessarily? to be petty?

**stonked:** ………no comment

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_label tape is expensive, tim_ **

**martini kart:** Oof i can feel the icy chill in the air

**martini kart:** Rip tim stoker eviscerated by the Judging Stare Of Sasha James™ in the year of our lord 2016

**stonked:** aaaaaaaaanyway

**stonked:** the point of awakening the chat was not to inquire into my biz the point of awakening the chat was to ask

**stonked:** drinks after work y/y

**label tape is expensive, tim:** you’re an idiot, but y

**label tape is expensive, tim:** ofc i’m always down for drinks

**martini kart:** Y!!!!

**martini kart:** As long as we dont do tequila shots again i embarrassed myself enough last time

**stonked:** booooo

**label tape is expensive, tim:** boooo

**label tape is expensive, tim:** and your karaoke last time was so good, martin!

**martini kart:** Thanks sasha!! But im more worried about getting uh, sappy drunk again

**stonked:** nooooo sappy drunk marto is best marto

**stonked:** its honestly adorable

**stonked:** and u give the literal best hugs of anyone i know

**stonked:** even if ur taste in men is questionable at best

**martini kart:** Nooo :(((

**martini kart:** Actually, should we ask jon to come with? I dont know, i get worried about him being lonely

**label tape is expensive, tim:** sure you do

**stonked:** sure u do

**martini kart:** Guys!! Not like that!!! I mean weve worked with him for months, we still dont know anything about him and i sometimes wonder if he has any friends :///

**stonked:** with that winning personality? probs not

**stonked:** i love u marto and i have nothing but empathy re ur terrible crush on our terrible boss

**stonked:** but friday nite drinks r sacred

**stonked:** a jon free zone if u will

**label tape is expensive, tim:** actually

**stonked:** sash no

**stonked:** whatever ur gonna say, my answer is no

**martini kart:** Shh tim, go on sasha?

**label tape is expensive, tim:** tim, you’re saying you wouldn’t like to see what jon is like drunk?

**stonked:** ...............shitdamn ur right

**stonked:** fine ill add him

**label tape is expensive, tim:** no!!!!!

**martini kart:** Wait tim dont!!!!

**stonked:** i thought??? u wanted me to????

**label tape is expensive, tim:** you’re not adding him to this shitty gc where martin may be Compromised

**label tape is expensive, tim:** in this house we love and protect one (1) martin k blackwood

**label tape is expensive, tim:** especially when he already cops so much shit from jon

**stonked:** oh fuck ofc

**stonked:** sorry marto

**stonked:** my b, ill make another

**martini kart:** Thanks guys :))))

**stonked:** altho b4 i do that

**stonked:** bets on what type of drunk jon is gonna be???

**stonked:** tenner says hell be gone by round 2

**stonked:** the lightweights lightweight

**label tape is expensive, tim:** i'll take you on that, i feel our boss has hidden talents in the arena of booze consumption

**stonked:** only time will tell

\---

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ added  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ,  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ and  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to the group _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group "archives gang" _

_ \--- _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Sasha James_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Do you think tim knows he has that really pained look on his face? 

**Sasha James:** oh bless

**Sasha James:** poor baby forced to be mildly professional 

**Martin Blackwood:** It wont last more than 3 drinks i can guarantee

**Sasha James:** for sure

**Martin Blackwood:** Fiver on it?

**Sasha James:** no bet, we both know it won’t not happen

\---

**_Sasha James_ ** _ to  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ **

**Sasha James:** hey babe

**Sasha James:** martin and i appreciate the restraint xx

**Timothy Stoker:** thx babe 

**Timothy Stoker:** its a massive sacrifice im glad u realise that

**Timothy Stoker:** but if u think that means im not doing nicknames then u would be Wrong

**Sasha James:** oh god

\---

_ "archives gang" _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_the competent one_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_the soft one_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_the fun one_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_mr bossman_ **

**mr bossman:** Tim? What is this?

**the fun one:** archives gc

**the fun one:** obv

**the competent one:** Let me translate

**the competent one:** Tim is trying to organise drinks for after work, Jon

**the competent one:** The rest of it is Tim being Tim

**the fun one:** babe would you want me any other way?

**the competent one:** Yes

**mr bossman:** Yes.

**the soft one:** Yes

**the fun one:** i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

\---

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ to  _ **_Sasha James_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** ohhhh i see how it is

**Timothy Stoker:** sasha james more like sasha JUDAS

**Timothy Stoker:** plus look at u with ur correct capitalisation when the boss is in the chat

**Sasha James:** one of us has to be profesh

**Sasha James:** and we both know it’s not going to be you

**Timothy Stoker:** i already didnt call the chat "archives gang bang" and that was the hardest thing ive done all day

**Timothy Stoker:** all week

**Timothy Stoker:** all year

**Timothy Stoker:** sash i dont know what more you want from me??????

\---

_"archives gang"_

**mr bossman:** Well. Thank you for the offer, Tim, but I don’t think it would be wise for me to go out drinking with you all.

**the fun one:** oooo boss what dirty secrets are u tryna hide

**mr bossman:** I just mean it wouldn’t be professional. And I don’t think you’d want to spend your Friday night hanging around with your boss.

**mr bossman:** You three have fun without me.

**the competent one:** Jon no! We’re all colleagues, we’d like you to be part of the group

**the fun one:** itll be fun i promise

**the fun one:** stokers honour

**the fun one:** plus ull break martos heart if u dont come

**the fun one:** hes been wanting to do smth as a group for a while

**the soft one:** Dont drag me into this tim!!

**the soft one:** But it would be really nice if you came, jon, we would like to get to know you properly :))

**the fun one:** see now u have to come boss

**the fun one:** otherwise u really will be disappointing martin and thats like kicking a puppy

**mr bossman:** I’m really more of a cat person, but I can see your point.

**the fun one:** :0

**the fun one:** bossman i have learnt more about u in the last 2min of u being in this chat than i have in months of working together

**mr bossman:** Don’t make me regret considering this.

**the competent one:** We’ll make Tim behave, promise!

**mr bossman:** Hmm

**mr bossman:** I’ll believe that when I see it.

**mr bossman:** Counteroffer. I’ll come if and only if the three of you actually stay off your phones and do some work for the rest of the afternoon.

**the fun one:** if thats what it takes

**the fun one:** fine

**the competent one:** Suits me

**the soft one:** Yeah okay! But before everyone signs off

**the soft one:** I was about to get a cuppa, anyone else want tea?

**the competent one:** Yes thanks Martin!

**the fun one:** shit yes pls youre a lifesaver

**mr bossman:** Thank you, yes.

**the soft one:** Ill be round in 5 :)))

\---

_ "drinks drinks drinks" _

**label tape is expensive, tim:** i mean, we’ll stay off that gc

**label tape is expensive, tim:** what he doesn’t know about this one won’t hurt him

**stonked:** now ur speakin my language sash

**stonked:** i was getting worried about u for a moment there

**label tape is expensive, tim:** a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do

**martini kart:** And it worked! Mission group drinks is a go!!

**stonked:** ultimate bad influence champion tim "the actual best" stoker: 1

**stonked:** grumpy emotionally constipated bossman jonathan "no fun" sims: 0

**label tape is expensive, tim:** more like "combined weight of tim’s relentless badgering, my actual tact, and martin’s legendary puppy eyes": 1

**stonked:** yea ok it was a team effort

**stonked:** but id still call that a mission success ayeeeeee

**martini kart:** I heard jon sigh from out here even with his door shut

**martini kart:** But at least hes coming!! So thatll be fun i hope :))

**stonked:** well seeing as this chat isnt for drinks anymore

**label tape is expensive, tim:** tim don’t you dare change it back to what it was

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group "archives research & statement envestigation" _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_hell yea ive changed it back_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_marto kart_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed his nickname to _ **_stonks_ **

**hell yea ive changed it back:** i hate you and everything you stand for

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_not part of this_ **

**not part of this:** oh

**not part of this:** and nice save, dumbass

**not part of this:** martin nearly had an aneurysm when you said jon not coming would break his heart

**not part of this:** good recovery but i’m gonna have to give you a warning and point you in the direction of rule 2

**marto kart:** Nono sasha its all good!! No need for rule 2

**marto kart:** I wont lie im actually kinda pleased that *that* was what made jon consider coming

**marto kart:** And i know it doesnt Mean anything but its a sign that he doesnt think im a complete waste of space so thats heartening at least

**stonks:** i rlly dont know what u see in him

**stonks:** but its literally impossible for anyone to think youre a waste of space marto

**stonks:** so im sure ur good

**not part of this:** ^^^^ agreed

**marto kart:** Aw thanks <33

**marto kart:** Also omg

**marto kart:** Hes a cat person 

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_actually a part of this now_ **

**actually a part of this now:** omg yes

**actually a part of this now:** for all your faults, tim timberley stoker, i do have to thank you for enabling that piece of info to slip out

**actually a part of this now:** do you think he has a cat?

**stonks:** or two cats??? 

**marto kart:** maybe more.........

**actually a part of this now:** imagine...........

**actually a part of this now:** okay but maybe we should actually get some work done in the last hour or so before drinks

**stonks:** ughhhh roll on 5pm

**marto kart:** Agreed

**actually a part of this now:** agreed

**marto kart:** Wait

**marto kart:** Were going drinking. With jon

**marto kart:** Were going drinking with jon in an hour oh god oh fuck

**stonks:** ????? and the problem is?

**actually a part of this now:** oh. 

**marto kart:** Yeah

**marto kart:** Tim please i mean it absolutely no tequila this time

**stonks:** no promises babe >;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Every Day's the Weekend by Alex Lahey (which is a bop)  
> This has been so heavily inspired by the other phenomenal group chat fics out there, such as A Very Serious Assistants Only Workchat, Send Jon Cat Pictures. It's The Only Joy he Has Anymore, Earl Grey and Add-On purchases, Here's a TMA groupchat fic to cope :), and All I Want For Christmas Is Another Divorce. This isn't an exhaustive list, but they're a few of the ones I remember and I'd highly recommend them!  
> Unsure if this is Timsasha or not yet, it can be read as either bc they're both absolutely the type of person to use babe platonically  
> Updates will be sporadic at best--there's no actual plot here so I'll add things when the mood strikes me. There will be a ch 2, we need the aftermath of Drinks, but from then and any point going forwards, the stopping points should be natural. Still, I need to make sure everyone is okay, so there'll probably be enough to drag all the characters into the group chat :)  
> Speaking of which, if anyone finds this who has been reading An Optimistic Tragedy, I haven't abandoned it! I may have a new hyperfixation, but I'm not going to give up on the old faithful, and I promise promise promise I'll finish AOT soon :)  
> Come shout at me on tumblr! Username is the exact same as it is here, so I'm easy enough to find :) I recently crocheted a tiny Jon whomst I can hug when his life sucks so go check him out [here](https://clarionglass.tumblr.com/post/620803098367131648/so-ive-spent-the-last-month-falling-headfirst) :)


	2. sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Georgie Barker:** unless you go out with them, and promise me you’ll at least try to have a good time, i’m locking the admiral in the bedroom when you come over from this point forward  
>  **Georgie Barker:** no cat for you until you at least try to play nice with the others  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** you Wouldn’t  
>  **Georgie Barker:** i Would  
>  **Georgie Barker:** don’t you dare test me jonathan sims  
>  **Georgie Barker:** cats are only for good bosses who attempt to socialise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "They respect me" and other lies Jonathan Sims tells himself  
> It's time for drinks babes xx

Friday, 4:06 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie help

 **Jonathan Sims:** I have made a fucking Mistake

 **Georgie Barker:** christ jon what have you done

 **Georgie Barker:** do i need to help you get rid of a body or…?

 **Georgie Barker:** bc i do have that massive spade, and i know someone who knows someone who has a plot of land in the west country

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s worse

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ve agreed to go for drinks with my assistants after work

 **Jonathan Sims:** in about an hour

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie I’m meant to be their Professional Boss I can’t get drunk with them

 **Jonathan Sims:** I have spent Months being authoritative and scholarly and cynical

 **Jonathan Sims:** they respect me

 **Jonathan Sims:** the archives are a mess and I need them to do what I tell them to if we’re going to have any hope of getting through it all

 **Jonathan Sims:** they cannot be allowed to find out that I too am a disaster

 **Jonathan Sims:** what do I do Georgie??

 **Georgie Barker:** ohhh nobody died except your perceived dignity 

**Georgie Barker:** lol you can deal with that one yourself

 **Georgie Barker:** i’ll put the spade away

 **Georgie Barker:** look, simple answer: just go and have fun

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie I am being Serious

 **Georgie Barker:** and so am i

 **Georgie Barker:** this will be good for you, jon

 **Georgie Barker:** it won’t hurt if they find out you’re a person too

 **Georgie Barker:** besides, it’ll be good for you to get some friends other than me and the admiral

 **Jonathan Sims:** no archival assistant can ever replace the Admiral in my heart

 **Georgie Barker:** nice to see i didn’t even rate there

 **Jonathan Sims:** did you honestly expect to?

 **Georgie Barker:** .......damn ya got me there

 **Georgie Barker:** the admiral is by far the best of all of us

 **Jonathan Sims:** agreed.

 **Georgie Barker:** legit advice though, just go and have a good time

 **Georgie Barker:** your coworkers won’t think any less of you if you have a drink with them! in fact it could lead to all of you getting on better! and you might even enjoy yourself! 

**Jonathan Sims:** well. that’s debatable.

 **Georgie Barker:** :|

 **Georgie Barker:** jon.

 **Georgie Barker:** okay that’s it

 **Georgie Barker:** unless you go out with them, and promise me you’ll at least try to have a good time, i’m locking the admiral in the bedroom when you come over from this point forward

 **Georgie Barker:** no cat for you until you at least try to play nice with the others

 **Jonathan Sims:** you Wouldn’t

 **Georgie Barker:** i Would

 **Georgie Barker:** don’t you dare test me jonathan sims

 **Georgie Barker:** cats are only for good bosses who attempt to socialise

 **Jonathan Sims:** fine. I’ll try. for the Admiral’s sake. but I’m not happy about this.

 **Georgie Barker:** tough

 **Georgie Barker:** and if you can get some photographic evidence so much the better

 **Georgie Barker:** i know how keen you are on proper evidence :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’re a cruel woman, Georgina Barker

 **Georgie Barker:** i know xx

 **Georgie Barker:** seriously though, you’ll be fine

 **Georgie Barker:** have fun!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** the Admiral had better appreciate the sacrifices I make on his behalf

\---

5:00 P.M.

_"archives gang"_

**the fun one:** 5 on the dot

 **the fun one:** aka drinks oclock come onnnn

 **the fun one:** lets go lets go lets go

 **the fun one:** theres a booth at the pub round the corner with my name on

 **the soft one:** Coming!! Ive just got to get my stuff together, ill meet you out the front in 2 :)))

 **the competent one:** Tim you goof give us all a second to finish up and shut down

 **mr bossman:** I’ll lock up once we’ve all gone out.

 **mr bossman:** I feel like I’m going to regret so much of this, but. I suppose the pub awaits.

 **the fun one:** yessssssssss

\---

_"archives research & statement envestigations" _

**stonks:** right so while i wait for you nerds who werent ready at the designated time

 **stonks:** game plan: casual beers ciders w/e round the corner, get a fun lil buzz on

 **stonks:** quick dinner mayhaps a cheeky nandos

 **stonks:** then to the usual for the usual 

**stonks:** hopefully culminating in a fun fresh and funky night for all involved

 **stonks:** needless to say we do not tell the bossman about any of this, the only way to get him to have fun is if we spring it on him i think

 **stonks:** all in favour of operation get jon to loosen up for once say aye 

**marto kart:** Aye

 **actually a part of this now:** aye

 **actually a part of this now:** i’d suggest a blood pact but you know i don’t think we need it

 **marto kart:** Oaths sworn in alcohol are even stronger than oaths sworn in blood im pretty sure

 **stonks:** im so proud of u both

\---

Saturday, 1:41 A.M.

_"archives gang"_

**the soft one:** Guyss!!!!

 **the soft one:** Great niht out than kyou ALL

 **the soft one:** Dont forge to drink! !!!! Water! !!!! When you gt home! !!

 **the soft one:** Youll love yrselves tomorow s much as i lov you all whichis a LOT <333

\---

6:01 A.M.

 **the fun one:** fcukign shitbitch alarm i forgot i set it for sat too fuc fuck ihave a hangover haedache th size of eliass smugfuck ego i h8 evrythn and if im feelin tihs shit i mtaking u all down w me

 **the fun one:** wait

 **the fun one:** fuck

\---

_"archives research & statement envestigations" _

**stonks:** fuck fuckf uck i FuCkEd Up

 **actually a part of this now:** tim i’m trying to sleep what did you do

 **actually a part of this now:** oh.

 **actually a part of this now:** oh no.

 **stonks:** hes gnna kil meeee

 **actually a part of this now:** f

 **marto kart:** F

 **marto kart:** Id have more sympathy but you lied abt no tequila so this is your own fault

 **stonks:** thats fair

 **marto kart:** Ill miss you when jon murks you on monday tho

 **stonks:** itwas nice knowign yall

\---

7:27 A.M.

_"archives gang"_

**mr bossman:** seconded.

 **mr bossman:** do’nt talk t me I dnt exist til mond ay

\---

_" _ar_ chives research & statement envestigations" _

**stonks:** holy fuck

\---

8:04 A.M.

 **stonks:** been tryna process that but nope im stil 2 hungovr to deal w this

 **stonks:** give me like 5 hrs nd some more panadol

 **marto kart:** :thumbs up emoji:

\---

2:12 P.M.

 **stonks:** okay im feeling less like something curled up and died in my entire head so thats a plus

 **stonks:** fucking christ i havent had a hangover this bad for years i mustve been going extra hard to show jon how its done

 **stonks:** sash hasnt been online since i fucked up and messaged in the wrong chat so im assuming shes dead

 **stonks:** marto howre you doing? 

**stonks:** as much as i love sappy drunk marto u were lookin a bit rough when we left

 **marto kart:** Not too bad actually! Took my own advice with the water so that helped a bit i think

 **marto kart:** As did the 2am tactical vom when i got home but i wont go into that

 **actually a part of this now:** wise move

 **stonks:** omg sash ur alive

 **actually a part of this now:** i muted notifs after you did Not stop sending messages at 6am

 **actually a part of this now:** i need my sleep

 **actually a part of this now:** but i’ve been up for a while now, i went for a run and i’m feeling pretty fresh

 **stonks:** youre not human

 **actually a part of this now:** it’s called taking care of yourself, tim, you should try it

 **stonks:** never

 **marto kart:** Okay real q though

 **marto kart:** How bad did i get??? Ive been faintly worried all morning but i actually havent had the sinking sensation that i absolutely boffed it??? Which is nice

 **marto kart:** Ill admit i dont seem to remember much past about 11 but if the worst thing i did was get publicly sappy on the other chat then im happy with that

 **stonks:** yea that was actually pretty cute

 **marto kart:** :)))

 **actually a part of this now:** i have a decent picture of the whole night but i too am a tad hazy on the details

 **actually a part of this now:** but as far as i remember you were fine, martin! you were v public in saying how much you loved everyone but it was very sweet and not directed at jon specifically

 **marto kart:** Oh good okay!! God i dont want him to think im an idiot or that i have a hopeless crush on him or anything

 **stonks:** i think hes the most oblivious person in the history of ever so ur safe on that front

 **actually a part of this now:** plus he seemed surprised but not at all displeased by your goodbye hug

 **stonks:** like i said you give the best hugs of course he liked it

 **actually a part of this now:** in fact as well as us learning a Lot about him i think he had a pretty good time overall

 **marto kart:** Aww :))

 **stonks:** oh yea on that note

 **stonks:** actually i think he fell asleep on ur shoulder in the uber? it was after we dropped u off sash

 **marto kart:** !!!!!!!!?????????

 **marto kart:** Tim if youre saying that to prank me im never making tea for you again

 **stonks:** again i dont know what u see in him

 **stonks:** but in addition to it being so fuckin funny that our bastard grump boss had a drunk nap on u of all ppl, this is too important to u for me to joke about

 **marto kart:** Oh my god oh my god oh my god

 **marto kart:** Jon fell asleep on my shoulder and i have absolutely 0 memory of it 

**marto kart:** This is an actual tragedy :((((

 **actually a part of this now:** wait if you want actual evidence from last night

 **actually a part of this now:** i found this in my camera roll

 **actually a part of this now:** i have only the barest fuzzy memory of taking it

 **actually a part of this now:** but you’re welcome

[Video ID: three men, clearly Tim, Jon and Martin, are doing a dance that is clearly the macarena, albeit a sloppy version, to a song that is clearly not the macarena. Tim has his shirt unbuttoned to halfway, and is swaying his hips outrageously. Jon has rolled up his shirtsleeves and has a look of intense concentration on his face as he goes through the dance steps. Martin gets a few steps in, but stops, wheezing with laughter, after Jon leans over and says something that the camera failed to pick up. The camerawork is very shaky, and the sound of Sasha’s giggles can be heard even over the music. Video ends.]

 **marto kart:** Oh my god youre right i do kinda remember that

 **marto kart:** Aw it looks like he was having fun :)))

 **stonks:** who knew it only takes 2 shots to get bossman to show a personality that isnt Strict And Dusty

 **stonks:** sorry for cracking out the devil juice again marto but i stand by the fact that tequila shots are the fastest way to get to know someones true soul

 **stonks:** and actually thats a timely reminder for me to change the chat name

 **actually a part of this now:** thank god

 **actually a part of this now:** it’s time we didn’t have a chat name with a deliberate typo to make it spell out arse??

 **actually a part of this now:** fucking finally

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group "sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker)_ _£10"_

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Sasha James_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_bet loser_ **

**bet loser:** never mind i spoke too soon

 **_Sasha James_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_sash_ **

**stonks:** buzzkill

 **stonks:** but pay up babeee

 **stonks:** hes such a lightweight omg

 **stonks:** worse than i imagined

 **sash:** i’ll pay you, but i’m not interacting with you any more on this topic bc now that we all have functioning brains, it’s time to discuss the Facts We Learnt From Last Night

 **stonks:** okay yea we do Need to go over this so ill allow the subject change

 **sash:** fact 1. jon is surprisingly good at karaoke

 **sash:** on a related note, fact 2. jon used to be in a band (??!?!!)

 **stonks:** sash ur the tech whiz, are u able to track down anything on that? i need video proof bc of reasons

 **sash:** he didn’t give us a lot to go on but don’t worry i’m on it babe

 **stonks:** 3\. jonathan sims head archivist of the magnus institute will nearly start crying if u talk about cats after hes had (1) tequila shot

 **marto kart:** I knowww that was so sweet

 **marto kart:** When he started talking about his friends cat and was so earnest i thought i was going to start crying too

 **sash:** aw martin <3

 **sash:** this is unrelated, but while i’m thinking of it, 4. he gets his nandos hot

 **stonks:** thank god

 **stonks:** if he was a churrasco bbq man i wouldve had to force u to get over him immediately marto

 **stonks:** or god forbid

 **stonks:** ""plain-ish""

 **stonks:** u cant trust anyone like that

 **marto cart:** You only got lemon and herb, tim

 **stonks:** yea but lemon and herb is still like 3rd on the scale

 **stonks:** im not proud of myself but at least its still legit nandos

 **stonks:** anything under that is a travesty

 **marto kart:** Well luckily it doesnt have to come to that!

 **marto kart:** Which im very glad about because 5. Jon with rolled up sleeves was a look

 **sash:** omg yeah he lost a few professional points there but from the look on your face when he did it i think it was absolutely worth it

 **stonks:** nothing compared to this morn tho 

**stonks:** 6\. all jons professionalism goes out the window when hes hungover oh my gOD

 **stonks:** that was the tensest 90min of my Life holy shit

 **stonks:** but the payoff was incredible

 **sash:** yeah can we talk about how he managed to spell "seconded" correctly and with punctuation but didn’t get "don’t" right once

 **stonks:** a legend

 **stonks:** jesus i wish we saw more of this side of him at work i think i might actually get on with him if he keeps this up

 **marto kart:** I hope so!! Itd be nice if he thought of us as friends rather than just people to shout at

 **sash:** and on that cheerful note

 **sash:** seeing as my sat was a writeoff i’m going to have a very busy sunday so i’d best get started on things

 **sash:** i’ll see you all at work on mon?

 **marto kart:** Yes see you both then!!! Thanks again for last night it was super fun :)))

 **stonks:** any time ayeee

 **stonks:** lets see if we can make group drinks w the bossman a regular thing

 **marto kart:** Yes!!! :)))

 **sash:** yeah sure :)

 **stonks:** altho i cant believe im saying this but we may have to ease off the gas a bit im not sure i can handle this every week

 **marto kart:** Who are you and whatve you done with tim????

 **stonks:** marto i love u but shut up

 **stonks:** yea id better go too see yall on monday

 **marto kart:** See you then! :)))

\---

Sunday, 11:56 A.M.

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** okay i’ve given you a day to recover 

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie I do not appreciate that tone of message

 **Georgie Barker:** so you’re telling me you didn’t have a thumping hangover all of yesterday?

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...I will neither confirm nor deny that statement.

 **Georgie Barker:** aha

 **Georgie Barker:** i know you too well jon

 **Georgie Barker:** so??? how did it go????

 **Jonathan Sims:** it was. Fine

 **Jonathan Sims:** I had tequila shots

 **Georgie Barker:** ahahahahaha omg i need all the details

 **Jonathan Sims:** I had a blissful few minutes on Saturday morning where I didn’t remember any of the terrible things that happened 

**Jonathan Sims:** and then it all came back over the course of the day. all of it. with blinding clarity.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I got hideously drunk. we talked a lot, I learnt some things about their personal lives and they unfortunately learnt some things about my personal life. we did the macarena. badly. I think I showed more emotion in front of them on Friday night than the entire time I’ve been the Head Archivist.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Tim asked me about cats and I talked about the Admiral for a solid twenty minutes

 **Jonathan Sims:** I thoroughly embarrassed myself with a hungover message in the group chat on Saturday morning

 **Jonathan Sims:** and christ I might have fallen asleep on Martin in the uber home

 **Jonathan Sims:** he hugged me when we all left the bar. I may have squeaked in surprise but I don’t think any of them heard me. and it’s only through sheer luck that I didn’t say any of the awful things I was thinking about how warm and soft that hug was

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m never going to be able to face him again Georgie it was so unprofessional

 **Jonathan Sims:** I can’t fall asleep on one of my assistants! even if they are very comfortable and have good shoulders

 **Georgie Barker:** :eyes emoji:

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie do Not I beg of you

 **Georgie Barker:** we’re definitely having this conversation but i think it’ll have to wait until you can ease up on yourself a little

 **Georgie Barker:** so that aside, if i take the typical jon melodrama out, it sounds like you bonded with them, and actually enjoyed yourself?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I wouldn’t say

 **Jonathan Sims:** well.

 **Jonathan Sims:** okay.

 **Jonathan Sims:** begrudgingly I am forced to admit that

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes. I had a nice night

 **Georgie Barker:** :D

 **Georgie Barker:** the admiral and i are proud of you

 **Jonathan Sims:** the Admiral’s approval is the only thing I crave

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you. for making me go.

 **Georgie Barker:** jon sometimes you have to remember that it’s alright to have fun, and it’s a good thing to have a friendly relationship with the people who share your office

 **Jonathan Sims:** but now I still have to salvage the professional relationship

 **Georgie Barker:** chrissakes jon sometimes i think you don’t understand a word i say

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie, drinks are one thing, but I have to sort this out at work

 **Jonathan Sims:** what do I do??

 **Georgie Barker:** you leave it is what you do

 **Georgie Barker:** please jon for everyone’s sake

 **Jonathan Sims:** no I have to do something

 **Georgie Barker:** sigh

 **Georgie Barker:** if you insist, but i’m not helping you ill-advisedly screw things up with your coworkers

 **Georgie Barker:** it’ll be better if you leave it! i promise you!

 **Jonathan Sims:** no, I’ll think of something.

\---

1:09 P.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** actually don’t worry I know what I’m going to do.

\---

Monday, 9:05 A.M.

_"archives gang"_

**mr bossman:** Can the three of you see me in my office now, please.

\---

 _"sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker)_ _£10"_

 **sash:** fuck

 **marto kart:** Fuck

 **stonks:** fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, maybe I said I didn't have a plot past ch 2, but also maybe this got away from me..... tune in next time to see What Happens Next and also the funniest and most stupid chat name I have ever come up with


	3. elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **the fun one:** yall heads up im going to the library and just saw elias heading this way w a piece of paper and a look of mm how you say  
>  **the fun one:** punch me in the face smugness  
>  **the fun one:** fiver says hes coming with an hr complaint  
>  **the fun one:** judging by the current rate of cocky shitbag saunter id say uv got about 3min of blissful eliaslessness until he hits u like a hurricane of piss  
>  **the fun one:** god hes such a cock  
>  **mr bossman:** christ. Elias. that’s just the shitty icing on the terrible cake of today.
> 
> or;  
> in which jon goes absolutely feral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I decided if the big spooky exists in this fic? If it does, would anyone in the archives know about the Eye? Have either of these questions affected the name of the vent chat? It's a solid no to all three

Monday, 9:41 A.M.

_ “sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker)  _ _ £10” _

**stonks:** well that wins the prize for the most awkward meeting ive ever had to endure

**stonks:** i rlly thought we were gonna get a bollocking but nope that was somehow more painful

**marto kart:** Poor jon

**marto kart:** He must have felt so bad about friday but he really doesnt need to!!!

**sash:** “i must apologise for my behaviour on friday night. it was most unprofessional of me to even accept that invitation. even though i did enjoy the time i spent with you, it is untenable and our interactions really cannot continue in this manner” oh jon

**sash:** like yes we did invite you partly bc we wanted to see what you’re like drunk but mostly we invited you bc we genuinely did want to hang out and have fun

**marto kart:** He was twisting himself into knots the poor guy i feel terrible :((( 

**stonks:** and when he tried to pull himself together and give a formal reprimand at the end tho

**sash:** he was clearly just doing it to save his dignity and i wanted to laugh but it would have broken his heart

**sash:** “i’m very disappointed in the three of you for organising such an event. this could have had very severe consequences for yourselves and the institute, and if i become aware of such activities in future i will take steps to prevent them. this includes informing a higher power if i deem it necessary”

**sash:** i’d have been worried if he didn’t say beforehand that he had fun

**sash:** or if his tone of voice wasn’t like reading-it-off-notecards flat

**marto kart:** God he looked so sad when he was saying that :(((

**marto kart:** We really need to take him out more!! Or give him some kind of actual friendship

**marto kart:** Actually im going to try and

**marto kart:** Fuck it

**marto kart:** I know how hes probably feeling and it really sucks so this might help him?

\---

_ “archives gang” _

**the soft one:** Jon?

**the soft one:** I know you just chewed us out over friday night but i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time

**the soft one:** It was great getting to know you and i think itd be nice if we did more of that?

**the soft one:** As a group i mean!!!

**the soft one:** And it wont affect how the group works i promise!! Youre still our boss even if you talk to us or have a few drinks sometimes, well still respect you as the boss just as much but we can actually help support you better :))

**the competent one:** I completely agree with Martin! It’s nice having a boss we can be ourselves around, and it’ll make the work a lot easier

**the fun one:** yea ur surprisingly cool

**the fun one:** and by that i mean ur not 3 books in a trenchcoat

**the fun one:** or a sweater vest lol

**the fun one:** its okay if u want to loosen up around us a lil

**the soft one:** So um

**the soft one:** Would that be okay with you? 

\---

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**Jonathan Sims:** what do I do???

**Georgie Barker:** say yes, idiot!!

**Georgie Barker:** the world. will not end. if you let 3 more people into your life.

**Georgie Barker:** and please please ask them if they have photos from friday please otherwise i’m not reinstating your admiral privileges

**Jonathan Sims:** ...alright

\---

_ “archives gang” _

**mr bossman:** Um.

**mr bossman:** I’m not very good at

**mr bossman:** but yes. now i can make the decision completely sober

**mr bossman:** that would be okay with me.

**the soft one:** :))))

**the fun one:** wahey bossman!

**mr bossman:** and I do have quite a strange request

**mr bossman:** but a friend of mine has threatened to withhold her cat from me unless I ask you

**mr bossman:** oh, I’m going to regret this

**mr bossman:** but do any of you happen to have any photos from Friday night?

**the competent one:** omg yes 

**the competent one:** its not a photo but hang on a second

**_Sasha James_ ** _ forwarded a video _

**mr bossman:** thank you, Sasha

**the competent one:** any time :)

**the fun one:** is the cat worth your friend seeing that? ;)

**mr bossman:** the Admiral is worth any pain on this mortal Earth and more.

\---

10:39 A.M.

**the fun one:** yall heads up im going to the library and just saw elias heading this way w a piece of paper and a look of mm how you say 

**the fun one:** punch me in the face smugness

**the fun one:** fiver says hes coming with an hr complaint

**the fun one:** judging by the current rate of cocky shitbag saunter id say uv got about 3min of blissful eliaslessness until he hits u like a hurricane of piss

**the fun one:** god hes such a cock

**mr bossman:** christ. Elias. that’s just the shitty icing on the terrible cake of today.

**mr bossman:** and it will be an HR complaint, probably about me, because most people who come in to give live statements take umbrage at the way I run this archive

**mr bossman:** in that I do not have patience with people who come in giving statements that are obviously false

**the competent one:** gonna butt in here and say that tim, that’s in direct contravention of rule 1

**the competent one:** go pay your penalty

**the fun one:** fine

**the fun one:** ill pay when i get back

**the competent one:** jon this is your first time so i’ll let you off with a warning

**mr bossman:** about what? what’s rule 1?

**the soft one:** No el*as in the group chat

**the competent one:** no el*as in the group chat

**the fun one:** no el*as in the group chat

**mr bossman:** ah.

**the soft one:** Rule 1 was instituted out of practicality bc if we just used a normal chat to complain about him wed never get anything else done

**the soft one:** Plus also this chat is good vibes only!! And el*as is the opposite of good vibes

**the soft one:** Penalty is a  £ in the udfu jar

**mr bossman:** I’m sorry, the What jar?

**the competent one:** if you break rule 1 you have to put a pound in the jar in the breakroom (next to the instant coffee) with “udfu” on it courtesy of tim and the sharpie i should never have trusted him with

**the fun one:** stands for “u done fucked up”

**mr bossman:** naturally.

**the competent one:** all funds raised go into the pool for drinks at the end of the month

**the competent one:** we do have a dedicated vent chat bc el*as is still a dick even if it’s illegal to talk about him here

**the competent one:** hang on, i’ll add you

\---

**_Sasha James_ ** _ added  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker” _

**Jonathan Sims:** these are. incredible

**Jonathan Sims:** I hope you realise I have to meet with him once a week, and he is literally coming down here as I type

**Jonathan Sims:** I will not be able to avoid calling him one of these 

**elias hater #3:** oh my god if u do pls promise me ull record it

**elias hater #3:** i mean video is preferred but uve got like a million tape recorders in your office

**elias hater #2:** seconded

**elias hater #1:** Thirded

**elias hater #2:** oh wait jon i should change your nickname!

**elias hater #2:** we did ours alphabetically but you’d mess it up so i guess it’ll have to be chronological

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_elias hater #4_ **

**elias hater #4:** no this won’t do. I deal with him more closely than any of you and therefore hate him more deeply

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_elias hater #0_ **

**elias hater #0:** it’s like the Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics

**elias hater #0:** discovered after the first three, but too important a concept to put in last place

**elias hater #3:** whatever u say boss

**elias hater #1:** Guys im in the breakroom and i just heard the door

**elias hater #2:** shit

**elias hater #2:** close the chat abort mission we’re all doing normal archives work okay

\---

10:47 A.M.

**elias hater #0:** christ Tim you’re right it is “punch me in the face” smugness

**elias hater #0:** the only way I can get through most of these meetings is by imagining ramming one of his obsessively polished pointy brogues up his arse

**elias hater #0:** maybe it will connect with the stick he’s already got up there

**elias hater #0:** is it too much to wonder if it’ll drive said stick into his brain? killing him instantly? jesus I can but hope

**elias hater #0:** but now I want to punch him in the face as well

**elias hater #0:** actually, I’ve never seen him look surprised. that would surprise him, though, getting punched in the face. I think I’d rather like to see him look surprised.

**elias hater #0:** which therefore means I’d like to punch him in the face

**elias hater #0:** christ he just keeps talking

**elias hater #0:** I don’t care about Joe McSpooky and his inane statement about how ghosts ate his shoes, and you can’t make me, Elias, no matter how many official complaints you wave in my face

**elias hater #0:** and if Joe McSpooky has been having strange dreams ever since he came here, I really don’t see how that is any of my concern

**elias hater #0:** you know what, Elias? you should take that HR complaint and let it join its friends, the stick and your ridiculous brogues

**elias hater #0:** I hope he gets papercuts along the entire length of his rectum

\---

_ “sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker)  _ _ £10” _

**sash:** oh my god oh my god oh my god

**sash:** timbaland stoker i don’t care what you’re doing get your arse back here right this instant

**sash:** and i’m calling a moratorium on rule 1 for a hot minute bc this is too important

**stonks:** ooh tell me more

**sash:** you know how the vent chat is blowing the fuck up right now?

**stonks:** yea?

**sash:** el*as is still in there

**stonks:** what.

**sash:** yeah.

**sash:** jon is going absolutely feral on the vent chat. while el*as is in his office talking to him.

**stonks:** nooooooo

**stonks:** thats iconic

**sash:** i'm trying to hear more but they're talking too quietly for me to hear through the door ugh 

**sash:** that means they’re not shouting, but i’m not sure if that’s a good or bad sign

**marto kart:** Dont worry guys im on it!!!

**marto kart:** Im gonna go in with tea and have a proper snoop around

**sash:** you’re a hero martin!

**stonks:** main man marto doin the lords work

**marto kart:** No tea for el*as obviously

**stonks:** good

**sash:** good.

**marto kart:** Teas brewed!! Alright guys wish me luck!!

**stonks:** good luck marto! give us the good goss aye

**sash:** good luck :)

\---

10:55 A.M.

**marto kart:** Okay im back

**stonks:** about fuckin time ive been desperate

**stonks:** spill spill spill

**marto kart:** Tim youre right it is an hr thing, if jons venting didnt give that away already

**marto kart:** El*as has his back to the door and is standing kinda looking down at jon in that way he does

**marto kart:** Jons at his computer typing away professional as anything

**marto kart:** Hes got his phone facedown on his desk so the notifs dont come through

**marto kart:** Im honestly so impressed at how calm his face is

**marto kart:** You wouldnt be able to tell that anything was going on its amazing

**marto kart:** One gem i was able to pick up

**marto kart:** El*as: jon why are you still typing? This is an official complaint from human resources and it deserves your full attention

**marto kart:** Jon: im sorry but as youre aware i have a lot of work to do as head archivist, work which you have asserted in no uncertain terms should be my top priority. Im merely trying to do my job, if you are going to persist in interfering with that then i will be forced to take it up with human resources myself

**marto kart:** I had to practically drop the tea and run before i started laughing then and there

**stonks:** i like him more and more with every passing hour omg

**sash:** he’s so petty! who would have guessed!

**marto kart:** Hang on i hear the familiar siren call of "maahtin" ill be right back!!

\---

11:00 A.M.

**marto kart:** Excuse me but what the actual fuck jon????

**marto kart:** He called me into his office while el*as was mid rant, and very sternly asked me why i hadnt made el*as tea???

**marto kart:** Jon youve been going insane on the vent chat what the fuck

**marto kart:** Ofc he completely put me on the spot so i just stood there with my mouth open like an idiot :(((( 

**marto kart:** Then he just sighed and told me to make a cup for him

**sash:** what the actual fuck?!

**sash:** if he’s been playing us the whole time i’m going to kick his skinny sleep-deprived arse into the middle of next week, boss or not

**marto kart:** So i guess im making el*as tea now which seems like a kick in the guts to everything we stand for 

**marto kart:** Im sorry guys :(((

**marto kart:** Wait theres another message in the vent chat? 

\---

_ "elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker" _

**elias hater #0:** spit in his tea Martin

\---

_ "sasha james lost the bet and now owes me (tim stoker) £10" _

**marto kart:** Oh my god 

**sash:** O_O

**stonks:** no way 

**stonks:** no fucking way

\---

_ “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker” _

**elias hater #3:** waitwait wait

**elias hater #3:** martod ont

**elias hater #3:** im sprintin dwn from th librar ynow god fukc let me doit pLS ill be 1min

**elias hater #0:** even better. all three of you should spit in his tea.

**elias hater #2:** jesus christ jon you’ve gone off the rails

**elias hater #2:** i mean, i’m not against the idea, per se

**elias hater #2:** but jesus this isn’t like you

**elias hater #0:** oh but it is, Sasha, it is

**elias hater #0:** I’ve been dreaming of doing something like this since I met the man, he’s always grated on my nerves

**elias hater #0:** and now, he has all his attention on me. he’ll never suspect a thing.

**elias hater #3:** okay im here im here

**elias hater #1:** Kettles just boiled, are we actually going to do this?

**elias hater #3:** are you fucking kidding? ofc we are

**elias hater #2:** ......alright. im in.

**elias hater #1:** ........ Me too i guess

\---

11:04 A.M.

**elias hater #1:** I cant believe we just did that....... but its done

**elias hater #1:** Tea incoming in approx 10 seconds

**elias hater #0:** you’re all Employee of the Month

**elias hater #3:** ive never been prouder to work here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look. This was always going to be an Elias vent chapter. But I listened to 160 for the first time last night and... things may have gotten out of hand.   
> Elias Bouchard deserves all the spitty tea.


	4. youtube is fucked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sash:** i’d like to thank the academy  
>  **sash:** i’d like to give no thanks at all to my terrible awful coworkers  
>  **stonks:** ahh babe you love us  
>  **sash:** yeah unfortunately i do  
>  **sash:** :)  
>  **sash:** spitty tea squad 2kforever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me this morning: I've got a couple of ideas for this chapter? Not too many, it'll probably be a short one  
> Me at 12am: MORE MORE MORE  
> (Please listen to the youtube link I promise you it's relevant)

Monday, 3:02 P.M.

_ “archives gang” _

**the soft one:** Tea, anyone?

**the soft one:** Without additional “flavouring” i should say

**the fun one:** yes pls marto!

**the competent one:** yes ta :)

**the fun one:** oh talking of that delightful beverage

**the fun one:** does anyone know if el*as drank the spitty tea?????

**the fun one:** the bossman has been doin statements since el*as left so theres been no conclusive proof

**the soft one:** Sorry i didnt catch it :((

**the soft one:** I went in, put the tea on the desk then left

**the soft one:** Thought it wouldve looked sus if i hung around

**the competent one:** yeah that was probably the wisest move

**mr bossman:** am I too late to put my order in for tea? I’ve just finished a statement and could really do with a cup if you’re brewing, Martin

**the soft one:** Not too late at all!! Im just about to fill the kettle

**mr bossman:** thank you

**the soft one:** No worries :)))

**mr bossman:** re El*as...

**the fun one:** yeeeeesssss...? tell us everything

**mr bossman:** I think he may have suspected that something wasn’t quite right, but he didn’t know what. he took a hesitant sip but put it back down again

**mr bossman:** I suppose I should thank you, Tim

**mr bossman:** I took a leaf from your book, reminded El*as that Martin makes very good tea, and that he’d be very disappointed if the tea he made for the boss went to waste

**mr bossman:** so he did that pursed-lips thing he does, shrugged, and drank the whole thing

**the fun one:** ayeeeeee result! boss ur my hero

**the competent one:** ohh my god that’s the best thing i’ve heard all day

**the soft one:** Oh my god!!!

**mr bossman:** so thank you all for your... contributions

**mr bossman:** particularly Martin, I don’t think we could have pulled it off without you

**mr bossman:** but I expect that after that excitement, you’ve been keeping up with your official work?

**the soft one:** Of course!!

**the competent one:** yeah i’m trying to chase that statement you asked about

**the fun one:** aye aye boss

**mr bossman:** good, good. I’ll let you get back to it, then.

\---

_ "sasha james lost the bet so now she owes me (tim stoker) £10" _

**sash:** “particularly Martin” hmm? 

**sash:** “I don’t think we could have pulled it off without you” hmmmmmm?

**stonks:** get in marto!!!

**marto kart:** You guys!! It doesnt mean anything, he was just being nice!!

**stonks:** since when has the bossman ever been nice?

**marto kart:** ...

**sash:** i reckon you might be in with a chance now he’s thawing around us a bit :)

**marto kart:** Oh look the kettle’s boiling i have to go!!! 

\---

3:41 P.M

**sash:** oh tim since i fuckin paid you at lunch can you Please change the goddamn chat name

**stonks:** well since you asked so nicely sasha dearest

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group "archival ASSistants" _

**sash:** words do not describe how much i hate you

**stonks:** well i have to make sure we all know which is the just us chat and which is the one with the boss in, its just to avoid things like my hungover mishap

**stonks:** plus i mean am i wrong?

**stonks:** as a group were all not bad in the arse department

**stonks:** if i were to rank them tho itd be marto > me > you sorry babe

**stonks:** its lucky jon isnt an assistant and so doesnt get included

**stonks:** he somehow has negative arse?? hed drag the whole team down

**marto kart:** I dont know, its got its own charm

**stonks:** marto ur biased af tho so im gonna have to take that with a pinch of salt

**marto kart:** If my wildest dreams ever came true our arses would balance out

**stonks:** thats tru aye

**stonks:** but as it stands im sorry but he just doesnt cut it

**sash:** i fucking hate this i’m trying to actually get some work done

**sash:** i’ve spent all afternoon following up a statement and everyone involved seems to be avoiding my calls it’s a fucking nightmare

**sash:** and even though jon is genuinely pretty cool now he’s still asked me to get the followup to him by the end of the day 

**sash:** martin you have done nothing wrong and tim i love you but i cannot deal with this rn

**_Sasha James_ ** _ has left the chat _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ has added  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ to the chat _

**stonks:** ur not getting away that easily

**stonks:** u spat in the tea with us

**stonks:** thats an unbreakable bond babe

**sash:** watch me

**_Sasha James_ ** _ has left the chat _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ has added  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ to the chat _

**sash:** i’m locking your admin privileges

**stonks:** ur just jealous that u have the worst arse of the three of us

**stonks:** and uh exsqueeze me maam arbiter of rules i think rule 3 states that any change to admin privileges has to be decided by majority vote

**sash:** martin will be on my side, won’t you martin?

**marto kart:** Sorry sasha!!

**marto kart:** But tim said ive got the best arse in the group so :///

**sash:** martin!

**stonks:** ayeeee my man marto

**marto kart:** :)))

**sash:** i revoke my earlier statement

**sash:** martin you’re just as bad as tim is

**stonks:** hrrgnh archivist im trying to follow up these statements but im dummy thicc and the clap from my ass cheeks keeps alerting elias

**sash:** you’re all fucking terrible

**sash:** also tim

**sash:** if you’re so insistent on the rules

**sash:** that’s rule 1 right there

**sash:** £ in the jar please and thank

**stonks:** booo im not talking to u anymore

**sash:** good.

\---

4:57 P.M.

**sash:** oh thank christ it’s done

**sash:** folder on jon’s desk with 3 minutes to spare

**marto kart:** Nice one sasha!!!

**stonks:** ayeeeee good job sash

**sash:** i’d like to thank the academy

**sash:** i’d like to give no thanks at all to my terrible awful coworkers

**stonks:** ahh babe you love us

**sash:** yeah unfortunately i do

**sash:** :)

**sash:** spitty tea squad 2kforever

**marto kart:** Hell yeah!!

**stonks:** hell yeah!!

**sash:** well after that hell afternoon i’m clocking tf out

**sash:** today was intense in so many different ways omg

**sash:** see you guys tomorrow!

**marto kart:** See you :))

**stonks:** ciao fam xx

\---

7:13 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** you were right

**Georgie Barker:** ofc i was

**Georgie Barker:** also oh my god are you only just leaving work now? my guy you need to learn to chill

**Jonathan Sims:** ...no comment.

**Georgie Barker:** you’re terrible

**Georgie Barker:** anyway, remind me why i’m right, specifically?

**Jonathan Sims:** I believe I have ““bonded”” with my coworkers

**Jonathan Sims:** they... didn’t hate me? they didn’t lose all respect for me? actually Sasha got me a very comprehensively-researched follow-up to a statement this afternoon, it was more detailed than I was expecting

**Jonathan Sims:** they are actually quite nice to be around

**Jonathan Sims:** ...and in fact today may have been the most fun I’ve had at work for years, even if it got off to an incredibly awkward start

**Georgie Barker:** well that’s ominous, but go on.......

**Jonathan Sims:** remember Elias? my terrible boss?

**Georgie Barker:** how could i forget

**Georgie Barker:** you only bring him up every time you have a meeting with him

**Jonathan Sims:** well.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**Georgie Barker:** jon!!!!!!

**Georgie Barker:** holy shit mr sims sir that is Not what i meant when i said you should have a friendly relationship with them

**Georgie Barker:** but this is so much better than i could have expected

**Georgie Barker:** ohohohoho holy shit that is incredible 

**Georgie Barker:** archives dream team: 1, bitch boss: 0

**Georgie Barker:** so proud oh my baby is growing up and learning to let his guard down :)

**Jonathan Sims:** thanks, I think? 

**Georgie Barker:** oh did you ask them about photos?

**Jonathan Sims:** no photos, but I did get a video

**Georgie Barker:** yesssss

**Georgie Barker:** come over, you can show me the vid and say hi to the admiral in person :)

**Georgie Barker:** and i’ll open a bottle of wine, you’ve had a day that calls for a celebration :D

**Jonathan Sims:** tell the Admiral I’m on my way

**Georgie Barker:** will do!

\---

7:29 P.M.

_ “archives gang” _

**mr bossman:** I’m sure you’ll all be delighted to know that Georgie has now reinstated my cat privileges after I showed her your video, Sasha

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: a large, fluffy ginger cat is twining around Jon’s legs, meowing happily. Video ends.]

**the competent one:** oh my god!!!! i’m glad it led to you two reuniting

**the soft one:** Jon thats adorable!!!

**the fun one:** yea ngl thats real cute boss

**mr bossman:** hm.

**mr bossman:** Georgie Did laugh at me about that video, but the Admiral is very worth it.

**the soft one:** Can we meet him someday? And/or Georgie? She seems cool, from what you’ve said about her :))

**mr bossman:** the Admiral is a housecat, he stays inside the flat

**mr bossman:** ...but even though you’ll all gang up on me, I’ll ask Georgie. I think you’ll all get on

**the competent one:** ask if she’s free to come for drinks on friday! just a beer or two though, last fri was the exception to the rule, i promise

**mr bossman:** alright

\---

7:33 P.M.

**mr bossman:** she’s available at 5 on Friday, she says she’ll meet us at the pub from last time

**the soft one:** Awesome :))

\---

_ “archival ASSistants” _

**marto kart:** This should be fun!!

**sash:** yeah :)

**stonks:** the more the merrier at drinks ayeee

**stonks:** plus hopefully we can get some more dirt on jon >;)

\---

Tuesday, 8:52 A.M.

**sash:** okay guys so you know i listen to what the ghost

**stonks:** i thought u stopped after shit started getting freaky here?

**sash:** nah it’s still a good podcast, and it’s pretty lighthearted compared to what we’ve been going through, they make it fun

**sash:** plus i’m always keen to keep up with cool female-run podcasts :)

**sash:** anyway i follow the host on twitter and insta, georgie barker

**sash:** and she posted this this morning

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

[Image ID: a large, fluffy ginger cat is curled up asleep on a dark green knitted background that appears to be somebody's lap. The caption reads: "my mate had simultaneously the worst and the best day at work yesterday so i invited him round for a drink but he fell asleep w my cat 10 minutes after walking in the door :)”]

**marto kart:** Aw thats cute!

**marto kart:** Actually hang on a mo

**marto kart:** Thats not...? Is it????

**marto kart:** That looks a Lot like jons friends cat 

**stonks:** and closer analysis suggests that its curled up on a worryingly familiar sweater vest oh god

**sash:** yeah

**sash:** i think i’m having to come to terms with the fact that jon’s friend georgie and georgie barker are one and the same

**sash:** and we’re going out with her on friday omg

**sash:** i need time to process this

\---

11:20 A.M.

**sash:** k in aid of ignoring the fact that i’m gonna meet georgie barker on friday, i've been doing some digging about jon’s mystery band

**sash:** and it appears that there are a few grainy recordings of a college band called the mechanisms on youtube and the lead singer looks rather familiar 

**sash:** minus 10 years of sleep dep and plus some very funky eyeliner

**sash:** check it out

**sash:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56hqrlQxMMI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56hqrlQxMMI)

**marto kart:** Sasha, was that the video you meant to send?

**sash:** yeah? i found it last night and saved it

**marto kart:** Bc it looks like an audio clip of something from the 80s

**stonks:** yea im getting that too

**sash:** huh let me check

**sash:** no that's definitely not it

**sash:** but that's the url i saved? i'm so confused

**sash:** never mind, i'll search it again

**sash:** what the fuck? it’s still coming up as the same thing

**stonks:** im checking other videos and its the same???

**stonks:** i cant even rickroll what the fuck

**sash:** that’s an ancient meme babe you’re a disgrace

**stonks:** excuse you, i am the meme lord

**marto kart:** Im ignoring that for the sake of your dignity tim

**marto kart:** But yeah it looks like youtube is broken somehow?

**marto kart:** Im checking other videos too and theyre all playing this song no matter what the url is

**sash:** maybe it’s a glitch in youtube, yeah

**stonks:** or our connection?

**sash: idk,** i’ve never heard of anything like this happening before

**stonks:** no rickrolls. this is a travesty

\---

_ “archives gang” _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “youtube is fucked” _

**the fun one:** just a heads up for yall

**mr bossman:** Tim. why are you on Youtube during work hours?

**the fun one:** its research boss

**mr bossman:** hm. Sasha? Martin?

**the competent one:** yeah it’s research

**the soft one:** Yep. Research.

**mr bossman:** I don’t trust any of you, but I feel like I really don’t want to know what the real reason is

**the competent one:** probably the safest option

**mr bossman:** but what do you mean, “Youtube is fucked”?

**the soft one:** All videos are redirecting to this one song? Try it, see if the same thing is happening for you

**the soft one:** Its not a rickroll i promise

**the soft one:** Its some other song from the 80s??? By the alan parsons project

**mr bossman:** alright. but I’m doing this with caution.

\---

11:38 A.M.

**mr bossman:** yes, it’s happening to me, too

**mr bossman:** that’s. vaguely unsettling. the song, I mean, and I don’t know why.

**mr bossman:** if it hasn’t cleared itself up by the end of the day, I’ll call IT and see if it’s a problem on our end or with the Youtube network.

**the competent one:** cheers jon!

\---

4:55 P.M.

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group "youtube is still fucked" _

**the fun one:** boss are you gonna chase it with it before they all go home?

**mr bossman:** I’m calling them now.

\---

4:57 P.M.

**mr bossman:** no of course I’ve tried refreshing the page you idiots

**mr bossman:** they do try my patience sometimes

**mr bossman:** ...

**mr bossman:** it’s. back to normal?

**mr bossman:** of course this happens when IT is on the phone, making me look like a complete knob

**mr bossman:** can you three try it?

**the competent one:** fine here

**the fun one:** yea same, im good

**the soft one:** Me too

**mr bossman:** hm.

**mr bossman:** yes goodbye to you too, IT helpdesk, and you can take that smug tone of voice and shove it alongside El*as’s HR reports.

**the fun one:** lol boss i love that

**the competent one:** seriously though, what happened with youtube?

**mr bossman:** I suppose it was a freak thing? I can’t say I know too much about it

**the competent one:** ...i suppose? i’ll look into it, i’ve got a couple of contacts that might know something?

**the competent one:** idk it was just... too weird. bad vibes.

**the soft one:** Agreed?? Bad vibes, for some undefinable reason ://

**the fun one:** bad vibes 100%

**mr bossman:** yes, I felt it too. the same as when I read the

**mr bossman:** no, that’s not important. but if you could look into it, Sasha, I’d appreciate that.

**mr bossman:** but I won’t keep you, I’ll see you all tomorrow

**the fun one:** yea im out

**the fun one:** catch ya

**the competent one:** bye all :)

**the soft one:** See you tomorrow!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "archival ASSistants" comes courtesy of TiredPanAndNotAFan, thank you! If you liked Tim quoting the dummy thicc meme, that's all down to that one comment :D  
> Did Elias know about the spitty tea? And what exactly happened with the archive's connection to youtube? I'm working on a side ficlet from Elias's perspective (don't want to taint this fic with his voice, ew), which will answer these questions and more :)  
> Also, thank you all so much for reading / kudosing / commenting! This is by far and away the most popular fic I've ever written, and it makes my tiny bean heart sing with joy whenever I see your response :))) Much love to you all, and I'm so so glad you're having a good time with my dumbass ideas :))  
> ETA: The side ficlet from Elias's perspective can be found as the second part of this series! However, if you'd like to read the whole thing chronologically, head over [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24878377) to find it :)


	5. friends of jonathan sims support group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Jonathan Sims:** is it all going okay?  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah its great!!! Georgie is so lovely :)))  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** She and sasha are getting on like a house on fire, weve been chatting about how we all got into this kinda area  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Tim has made an arse of himself already but only a little bit and she laughed so it was all good  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Like on a scale of 1 to tim it was only about a 2  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Wait oh my god  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Georgie: “ive known you for all of about 5 minutes but sasha. Youre the one with the collective archives braincell, arent you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Georgie meets the gang! Aka "how do I narrate real-time conversations through the medium of a group chat?"

Friday, 2:49 P.M.

_“archival ASSistants”_

**stonks:** woooo how we feelin about after work sash

 **sash:** doing okay actually!

 **sash:** i’ve had to stop myself from bingeing wtg just for my own sanity lol

 **sash:** the less i think about ~Georgie Barker~ as a concept and the more i think about alcohol and getting good dirt on jon the better i feel about it all

 **marto kart:** :)))

 **sash:** but christ there’s still another two hours of filing and statement followup and all that shit to go

 **sash:** you ever just want to torch the whole place sometimes? to avoid the filing?

 **marto kart:** Um do i ever

 **marto kart:** Like i dont mind the job actually

 **marto kart:** But sometimes the archive has this really creepy vibe and my inner arsonist is just like “hi”

 **stonks:** marto how have i worked with u for this long and never known about ur inner arsonist

 **stonks:** we need to see this side of u in action

 **stonks:** i have a (secret sneaky) lighter (that u absolutely must Not snitch to the boss about)

 **stonks:** the archives are right there and they shit me off as well

 **stonks:** lets go

 **sash:** lads much as i would like to burn the place, rent in london is hella expensive and here pays weirdly well

 **marto kart:** Damn yeah that is true

 **marto kart:** Ooh should we do guy fawkes at mine then?? When it comes up

 **stonks:** my dude u are so on

 **marto kart:** :DDD

 **sash:** sounds mint martin!

 **sash:** but rn i have a hot date with some questionably legal cargo manifests

 **marto kart:** Oh yeah i need to head to artefact storage to look up a table or something?

 **marto kart:** Wish me luck!!

 **stonks:** wait marto im coming with i need a break

 **stonks:** sash babe if were not back by 4.30 the cursed table has eaten us

 **sash:** i’ll weep salty tears into my beer for you

 **stonks:** thank u, its what we deserve

\---

4:44 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie, I’m really sorry, but it looks like I’m going to be a few minutes late

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll send the others down and join you as soon as I can

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah okay, i’m looking forward to meeting them :)

 **Georgie Barker:** wait

 **Georgie Barker:** jon there’s a slight flaw in that plan

\---

4:45 P.M.

_“archives gang”_

**mr bossman:** I’m sorry, everyone, but Elias has sent me a last minute email that I need to deal with before the end of the day

 **mr bossman:** it looks like I’ll be a bit late for drinks, especially if you’re all leaving a bit early to get there for 5

 **mr bossman:** I’ve let Georgie know as well

 **the fun one:** boss youre kidding right?

 **the fun one:** tell him to fuck off

 **the fun one:** ditch the work and come have drinks

 **mr bossman:** oh, “fuck off” is right

 **mr bossman:** you have no idea how much I wish I could say that to him

 **mr bossman:** but I really do need to get this done.

 **the competent one:** that’s fine, jon

 **the competent one:** but that’s still rule 1 :)

 **mr bossman:** ugh fine.

 **mr bossman:** I’ll pay on my way out

 **the fun one:** yea also boss

 **the fun one:** arent you the one who knows georgie? shouldnt you....... idk, be around to introduce us?

 **mr bossman:** ah

 **mr bossman:** yes, um

 **the competent one:** well

 **the competent one:** i’d recognise georgie if i saw her, i know a bit about what the ghost

 **mr bossman:** well. there we have it!

 **mr bossman:** and Georgie is very friendly, she said she’s been looking forward to meeting you all, so I’m sure you’ll have no problem socialising until I get there

 **the fun one:** itll probs be easier without u actually

 **the fun one:** jk boss well miss u even if ur only 10min late or w/e

 **mr bossman:** thanks Tim. now I really do need to get on with this, so if you could stay off this chat, I’d appreciate it.

 **the fun one:** aye aye boss 

\---

4:59 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin, can I ask a favour?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh sure, whats up jon??

 **Jonathan Sims:** seeing as I’ll be running late, can you let me know how it all goes at the pub?

 **Jonathan Sims:** if it’s going well, or if I need to step in at all

 **Jonathan Sims:** Sasha told me that she’s a fan of What the Ghost, so she’s going to be busy chatting to Georgie

 **Jonathan Sims:** Tim is out for obvious reasons

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’re the only one I trust, Martin

 **Jonathan Sims:** keep me updated?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Will do!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** thanks

 **Martin Blackwood:** :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Sash is looking around and shes 

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay yep shes waving to someone so thats like 

**Martin Blackwood:** Step one, georgie located

 **Martin Blackwood:** K im gonna put my phone away for a while so im not being super rude!

\---

5:04 P.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** is it all going okay?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah its great!!! Georgie is so lovely :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** She and sasha are getting on like a house on fire, weve been chatting about how we all got into this kinda area

 **Martin Blackwood:** Tim has made an arse of himself already but only a little bit and she laughed so it was all good

 **Martin Blackwood:** Like on a scale of 1 to tim it was only about a 2

 **Martin Blackwood:** Wait oh my god

 **Martin Blackwood:** Georgie: “ive known you for all of about 5 minutes but sasha. Youre the one with the collective archives braincell, arent you?”

 **Martin Blackwood:** Sasha: “well i dont want to brag but... yeah i do”

 **Martin Blackwood:** Me and tim are both nodding bc she absolutely does have the braincell most of the time

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh wait no i didnt mean

 **Martin Blackwood:** Shit

 **Martin Blackwood:** That didnt include you jon!!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Shit youre like the smartest person i know

 **Jonathan Sims:** don’t worry about it, I know what you meant

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...and I’m aware that all too often I really should be included in that group

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aw jon no!! I think you get a braincell all to yourself, haha!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** well. 

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you. but anyway.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m just leaving now, I should be about ten minutes or so.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay :))

\---

5:09 P.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** you know, I just saw them change the ad on the billboard down the road from the pub

 **Jonathan Sims:** you three were talking about cows at lunch, weren’t you?

 **Jonathan Sims:** anyway. it made me think of you.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: a photo of a billboard, now displaying an advert for milk featuring a trio of cartoon cows.]

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aw!! Thats adorable :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** They are very much good cows :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m 

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m glad you like them

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll be there in a few minutes

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ill see you soon!!!

\---

5:12 P.M.

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** um excuse me you’re meant to be the common link between me and your workmates

 **Georgie Barker:** so how come we’re all at the pub and you’re still conspicuously absent?

 **Georgie Barker:** your coworkers are all super nice btw

 **Georgie Barker:** sasha is really cool! and she likes wtg so that’s an automatic plus in my book

 **Georgie Barker:** ooh maybe i can interview her on wtg? you archives guys must have so many weird stories

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah i’ll ask her

 **Georgie Barker:** and martin is a fuckin sweetheart my guy you need to get on that ;)

 **Georgie Barker:** tim is a Lot 

**Georgie Barker:** but he’s fun!

 **Georgie Barker:** idk how they all tolerate you as their boss, they’re far too cool for you

 **Georgie Barker:** i can see you’re online, i’m gonna keep roasting you until you respond

 **Jonathan Sims:** I got caught up in work, you know how Elias is. I’m nearly there now

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s bullshit and we both know it

 **Georgie Barker:** you’re not piking out on us are you?

 **Jonathan Sims:** no!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I really am on my way

 **Jonathan Sims:** here, proof from a minute’s walk down the street

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a photo_

 **Georgie Barker:** oh ya martin already showed us that, it’s cute :)

 **Georgie Barker:** he didn’t say it was from you tho

 **Jonathan Sims:** ah. no, I’ve been messaging him to ask how you’re all getting on

 **Georgie Barker:** and you didn’t ask me?

 **Georgie Barker:** wait

 **Georgie Barker:** jonathan sims are you deliberately running late so you have an excuse to dm martin?

 **Georgie Barker:** holy shit jon you need to find healthier ways to express your feelings

 **Jonathan Sims:** that’s not

 **Jonathan Sims:** no!

 **Jonathan Sims:** why would you even ask that?

 **Georgie Barker:** bc i’ve known you since uni, you prat

 **Georgie Barker:** and while i love you very much, i’m painfully aware that you’re about as in touch with your emotions as a walnut

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Jonathan Sims:** maybe I was able to deal with Elias’s request by 5. possibly.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I’m literally pushing the door open now so this conversation is over.

 **Georgie Barker:** for now maybe

\---

5:23 P.M.

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _to_ **_Sasha James_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** sash why the fuck do u choose to go to the bog now

 **Timothy Stoker:** ur missing all the best bits

 **Sasha James:** christ tim i’ve been gone for like 2 minutes? am i allowed to use the loo in peace?

 **Timothy Stoker:** nah babe

 **Timothy Stoker:** bc u missed georgie looking at jon, then turning to marto to give him the full onceover, and going “ohhhh i see”

 **Timothy Stoker:** then turning back to the bossman and going “yeah okay i get u, theyre some good shoulders”

 **Timothy Stoker:** jon and marto are both bright red and Cant make eye contact

 **Timothy Stoker:** georgie is drinking her beer like she didnt just unleash ultimate chaos

 **Timothy Stoker:** but she knows exactly what she did

 **Timothy Stoker:** god shes great

 **Sasha James:** isn’t she?????

 **Sasha James:** i’m pretty sure she’s the reason why jon hasn’t died of a heart attack yet

 **Timothy Stoker:** how fuckin true

\---

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _sent you a friend request!_

 **_Accept_ ** _/ Decline_

\---

7:12 P.M

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** aw that was fun!

 **Georgie Barker:** your coworkers are great :D

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m glad you had a nice time! 

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m still going to murder you about bringing up the thing you absolutely should Not have mentioned though

 **Georgie Barker:** ohhh the shoulders thing??? oh love

 **Georgie Barker:** you may have been a bit embarrassed but trust me, it’s for the greater good

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie even though we may be united in our hatred of Elias, I still absolutely can’t have anything more than professional feelings towards a colleague

 **Georgie Barker:** you’re texting him pictures of cows, jon

 **Georgie Barker:** i think you’re gonna have to learn to come to terms with a few things pretty quickly

 **Jonathan Sims:** no. I refuse.

 **Georgie Barker:** cow pictures, jon

 **Georgie Barker:** cow pictures, because they made you think of him

 **Georgie Barker:** and you stayed late at work so you had an excuse to slide into those dms

 **Georgie Barker:** you can’t handle feelings but that’s okay! because you’ve got me to help you!

 **Georgie Barker:** ohhh we’re gonna have some fun times ahead of us >:)

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ.

\---

7:13 P.M.

_“archival ASSistants”_

**marto kart:** Well that was really nice!!

 **sash:** yeah she was even cooler than i expected

 **sash:** and big news!! she asked me if she could interview me for an ep of wtg so i’m absolutely stoked about that!

 **stonks:** u called?

 **stonks:** legit tho congrats sash!

 **marto kart:** !!!! Nice one!!!

 **sash:** thanks all

 **sash:** oh and she’s promised us lots of pics from jon’s band days which i am Hyped for

 **sash:** can’t believe she and jon used to date back then omg

 **marto kart:** Wait they what?

 **sash:** yeah didn’t you hear that bit? they went out for a bit when they were both at oxford but from what i could tell they thought they’d be better off as friends

 **marto kart:** Oh

 **marto kart:** Right

 **stonks:** marto is that....... jealousy i detect?

 **stonks:** :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

 **marto kart:** No!!! Of course not!!!

 **marto kart:** ...Okay maybe a tiny bit but its okay! It was all in the past and she was so nice and i dont want to make things weird :///

 **stonks:** yeah dude im sure u have 0 to be worried about!

 **stonks:** it sounds like shed be hella supportive actually

 **stonks:** she did say that jon said u have good shoulders :eyes emoji:

 **sash:** oh yeah she did! :eyes emoji:

 **marto kart:** ...

 **sash:** and if you’re at all worried you should just talk to her, she seemed really upfront :)

 **marto kart:** Yeah but im not tho :(((

 **sash:** aw martin just go for it, otherwise it’ll be on your mind

 **marto kart:** ...Okay :)

 **stonks:** ayeee go marto!

\---

7:19 P.M.

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** It was great to meet you tonight georgie!!! 

**Martin Blackwood:** I had a super nice time and i hope you did too :)))

 **Georgie Barker:** i did, thanks!

 **Georgie Barker:** and it was great to meet you as well! it was really good to get to know the people that jon works with :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** :))))

\---

7:24 P.M.

 **Georgie Barker:** martin, i’ve been watching your typing notification blip on and off for the last five minutes

 **Georgie Barker:** is everything okay?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh no everythings fine!!

 **Georgie Barker:** hmm

 **Georgie Barker:** i’ve known jon for the best part of ten years, i can spot a deflection from a mile off

 **Georgie Barker:** let me guess

 **Georgie Barker:** you have questions?

 **Georgie Barker:** okay, let’s see how good i am

 **Georgie Barker:** in order: yes, absolutely none but we still care about each other as mates, about 3 months, we both realised we work about a million times better as friends, yes he did tell me you’ve got good shoulders, yes you should say something because he sure won’t

 **Georgie Barker:** did i get it?

 **Martin Blackwood:** !!!

 **Georgie Barker:** you’re welcome :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Am i really that obvious???

 **Georgie Barker:** i mean mostly no?

 **Georgie Barker:** but there was sometimes a Vibe i won’t lie

 **Georgie Barker:** but anyway jon is so so oblivious so you’re fine on that front, if you’re worried

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh okay!! Thanks

 **Martin Blackwood:** And i mean i wasnt going to ask all of those questions, some of its a bit too personal for me to pry into!! Weve only just met and you absolutely deserve your privacy!!

 **Georgie Barker:** dw, i volunteered the info :)

 **Georgie Barker:** it’s what i’d want to ask, but i guess i’m just nosy haha

 **Georgie Barker:** plus i don’t really... feel fear? so i’ll just ask questions lol

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...I did want to ask about the shoulders thing tho you were very right about that

 **Martin Blackwood:** But god please dont tell him i asked about it!!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Hed absolutely hate it and think it was super unprofessional :(((

 **Georgie Barker:** you didn't ask tho! i guessed the question, so you didn't actually ask it

 **Georgie Barker:** that's plausible deniability :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** I guess so yeah!! Thanks georgie youre a gem :)))

 **Georgie Barker:** aw ta martin :)

 **Georgie Barker:** besides i don’t think he’d hate it as much as you think he would...

 **Georgie Barker:** maybe ask him about why he was late... 

**Martin Blackwood:** Sorry, what?

 **Georgie Barker:** i’ll say no more ;)

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...

 **Georgie Barker:** ah love don’t worry about it :)

 **Georgie Barker:** look i should probably let you go, but it’d be cool to hang out with you guys again!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yes wed love to see more of you!! And we need to meet the admiral at some point, weve heard so much about him from jon!!

 **Georgie Barker:** yes omg for sure! we can tee something up later :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Sounds good!!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Mind if i start up a gc?? Its gonna be a bit insane but youll get used to us :))

 **Georgie Barker:** fine by me :)

\---

_“archival ASSistants”_

**marto kart:** Okay yep were all good!!

 **sash:** aw good!

 **stonks:** more importantly tho did u get the good answers????

 **marto kart:** .......Maybe :))

 **marto kart:** But i also wanted to tell her that it was good to get to know her :))

 **stonks:** youre too wholesome omg

 **marto kart:** And shes keen to hang out with us more

 **marto kart:** Tim you didnt scare her off too much haha!!

 **stonks:** hey im a fuckin delight and u know it

 **sash:** well that’s debatable, babe xx

 **marto kart:** Im gonna start up a group chat to organise things :)))

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _added_ **_Georgie Barker_ ** _,_ **_Sasha James_ ** _and_ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _to the group_

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _renamed the group "friends of jonathan sims support group"_

 **Timothy Stoker:** lol

 **Sasha James:** that’s exactly who we are

 **Georgie Barker:** omg perfect

\---

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** never mind i’m still gonna give you shit about your crush and your lack of social skills but if you do not get together with martin as of approx 3 weeks ago i’m disowning you completely :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheee this one took a bit longer but I hope the hints of jonmartin made it worth it :D  
> In other news, I've just started s5 and boy. Ohhh boy. Let's retreat to the chatfic to cope!


	6. the spice girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Georgie Barker:** you never told me you went to the magnus institute?  
>  **Georgie Barker:** you went to give a statement?  
>  **Melanie King:** ages ago, remember? i went to tell them about the whole cmh shitshow and got in a screaming match with the dickhead in the basement  
>  **Melanie King:** but i went back bc their library has some really good resources i can’t find anywhere else, and he’s been surprisingly good recently? i don’t want to jinx it tho  
>  **Georgie Barker:** ahahahahaha oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Melanie joins the group!

Wednesday, 12:56 P.M.

_"archival ASSistants"_

**marto kart:** Guys its coming up the end of the month

 **marto kart:** Are we still on for games night next sun???

 **sash:** ofc

 **stonks:** hell yea

 **marto kart:** Should we invite jon and/or georgie? 

**sash:** hm idk

 **sash:** actually jon does give me the vibe of someone who’d appreciate a good tabletop

 **stonks:** fuck can you imagine the boss playing cah?

 **stonks:** he went so fuckin feral in the vent chat his cah game would be quality

 **marto kart:** Omg i would die

 **stonks:** ayeee lets get on it

 **marto kart:** Not with the custom deck though!!!

 **stonks:** ahaha fuck

 **sash:** yeah shit definitely not the custom deck! real cah only

 **sash:** knowing our luck we’d definitely draw “why are the bags under jon’s eyes so big?” as the black card

 **stonks:** or hed get “your supernatural boss going blind from watching you wank in the third floor bathroom” in his hand 

**stonks:** mind you hes been proven to be a fuckin icon whenever el*as is involved so he might actually appreciate that one

 **marto kart:** God there are some good cards in that deck

 **stonks:** sash i still maintain “worms?” is the funniest white card youve ever made

 **sash:** ah jesus that was a bad time

 **marto kart:** Yep

 **marto kart:** Fuck worms

 **sash:** fuck worms

 **stonks:** fuck worms forever and ever amen

 **marto kart:** Alright then if were all cool with it we can ask jon and georgie a bit closer to the time :)))

 **sash:** fab

\---

Thursday, 3:33 P.M.

 **_Melanie King_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** hey g!

 **Georgie Barker:** melanieee! love i haven’t heard from you in ages, how’re you going?

 **Georgie Barker:** how’s life post-sheffield?

 **Melanie King:** post ghost stabbing and being a meme, you mean?

 **Georgie Barker:** you said it, not me :)

 **Melanie King:** actually? not too bad

 **Melanie King:** u’re the only person whos believed me about getting stabbed by a ghost so that’s been Not Fun, but apart from that i’ve been alright, trying to keep busy without ghuk

 **Melanie King:** actually no there’s one other person who believed me

 **Melanie King:** that arsehole at the magnus institute

 **Melanie King:** god he’s such a dick but he actually took me seriously and let me access the library to research

 **Georgie Barker:** wait

 **Georgie Barker:** you never told me you went to the magnus institute?

 **Georgie Barker:** you went to give a statement?

 **Melanie King:** ages ago, remember? i went to tell them about the whole cmh shitshow and got in a screaming match with the dickhead in the basement

 **Melanie King:** but i went back bc their library has some really good resources i can’t find anywhere else, and he’s been surprisingly good recently? i don’t want to jinx it tho

 **Georgie Barker:** ahahahahaha oh no

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s so him

 **Melanie King:** ?

 **Georgie Barker:** love you never told me about that

 **Georgie Barker:** bc if you had, i would’ve told you that “the dickhead in the basement” is actually my mate jon

 **Melanie King:** ur mate jon who’s also ur EX jon?

 **Georgie Barker:** ahahaha yep that’s him

 **Georgie Barker:** oh man good to see i was right not doing things with the pair of you together

 **Georgie Barker:** i always thought you were kinda similar

 **Georgie Barker:** you’re both so strongminded and stubborn, neither of you will back the fuck down

 **Georgie Barker:** and boy i can see that’d lead to arguments

 **Georgie Barker:** plus i love him but he’s uh

 **Georgie Barker:** an acquired taste

 **Melanie King:** yeah that’s putting it mildly

 **Melanie King:** hate to say it but jesus fuck u had bad taste in uni

 **Georgie Barker:** we had quite a bit in common back then actually! not enough to build a relationship on as it turned out but enough for us to stay mates through it :)

 **Melanie King:** yeah he’s kinda alright now, i suppose, he still pisses me off but we can give each other shit and not mind about it

 **Melanie King:** and he’s taking what we do more seriously, which makes him a lot better to deal with

 **Melanie King:** ...he’s been helpful, actually, which i wasn’t expecting

 **Georgie Barker:** he’s like an overtired slightly spooky fungus, he grows on you :)

 **Melanie King:** i suppose he does

 **Melanie King:** actually it’s good u know him? bc i was going to ask u about this email i got seeing as u have pretty good intuition for these things

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **Melanie King:** i guess the big boss has seen me around the library? i’ve been in there a lot recently 

**Melanie King:** u reckon i should take the job?

 **Melanie King:** i got a weird feeling from the email but look at that fuckin salary

 **Melanie King:** i want to go on a research trip to india and fuck that sort of cash would come in handy

 **Georgie Barker:** hmmmm

 **Georgie Barker:** the boss is apparently a creep and a fucko

 **Melanie King:** yeah we established that already lol

 **Georgie Barker:** lol no elias not jon

 **Georgie Barker:** so if you do end up taking the job try and steer clear of him

 **Georgie Barker:** but i’ve met the rest of the archives team and they’re genuinely great

 **Georgie Barker:** the whole magnus institute thing gives me weird vibes too, i won’t lie

 **Georgie Barker:** but i know you like the research side of things otherwise you wouldn’t have started ghuk, the archives gang is pretty cool, and it looks like good money for doing something you like

 **Melanie King:** yeah i was coming to that decision myself but it’s always nice to hear it confirmed

 **Melanie King:** plus if i hate it i can always quit, ofc

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah exactly :)

 **Melanie King:** cool

 **Melanie King:** right then i’m going to email elias back then hopefully have nothing to do with him ever again

 **Melanie King:** thanks g!

 **Georgie Barker:** no worries melanie! good luck with the new job!

\---

Monday, 8:53 A.M.

_“archives gang”_

**mr bossman:** did we all get the email? apparently we’re going to have a new team member joining us today.

 **mr bossman:** I have no idea why El*as does this to us

 **mr bossman:** I’ve only just got used to getting on with you three

 **the soft one:** Jon dont worry im sure theyll be nice!!

 **mr bossman:** I don’t have enough social skills for this.

 **the soft one:** You have to at least try to be nice back, jon!!!

 **the soft one:** Otherwise ill tell georgie and she wont let you see the admiral

 **the fun one:** :O

 **mr bossman:** Martin. I trusted you.

 **the soft one:** Im sorry jon but its for your own good and the good of the team

 **mr bossman:** I never should have let you and her meet.

 **the competent one:** can’t take it back now!

 **the competent one:** i agree with martin, jon

 **the soft one:** Just try? Please??

 **mr bossman:** ...fine.

 **mr bossman:** only because it’s you asking.

 **the soft one:** Thank you :)))

 **the competent one:** the email said he’d give this new person an orientation talk then bring them down at about 9:30? so at least you have time to prepare yourself

 **mr bossman:** there is that, at least

\---

9:19 A.M.

 **mr bossman:** oh jesus fucking christ

 **mr bossman:** if she or El*as asks I am Not In

\---

9:23 A.M.

_“friends of jonathan sims support group”_

**Martin Blackwood:** I thought wed all like to know that jon has barricaded himself in his office and is legit hiding from the new hire

 **Martin Blackwood:** Sometimes i really wonder why my heart has gone “yes this one”

 **Timothy Stoker:** marto we all do

 **Timothy Stoker:** this is a peak jon move lol

 **Timothy Stoker:** but to be fair the new hire is melanie and she is both cool and kinda terrifying

 **Georgie Barker:** oh melanie had her first day today!

 **Timothy Stoker:** u know her?

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah we got to be friends through the ghost podcast/youtube show thing :)

 **Timothy Stoker:** holy shit how do you survive with her and jon as friends

 **Martin Blackwood:** She has no fear apparently!!

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah literally none :)

 **Sasha James:** that tracks actually

 **Martin Blackwood:** Right im going to go see if i can lure jon out of his office with tea, wish me luck!!

 **Georgie Barker:** good luck martin! i’d better go bc i’ve got to get to my recording session

 **Georgie Barker:** but enjoy your first day with melanie as part of the team :)

 **Sasha James:** i’m sure we will, as long as we can keep the peace somehow…

 **Martin Blackwood:** Tea. Lots and lots and lots of tea

 **Martin Blackwood:** I think im going to have a busy few weeks...

\---

10:04 A.M.

_“archival ASSistants”_

**_Sasha James_ ** _added_ **_Melanie King_** _to the group_

 **sash:** okay so martin has already made you tea so you’re an official part of the archives team now, melanie!

 **sash:** congrats! even though this place is a hellhole we try and make it fun

 **marto kart:** Yeah its great to have another person around!!! Its always nice to see you in the library so itll be good to have you as a proper part of the gang :)))

 **stonks:** ayeee welcome to hell

 **Melanie King:** thanks all, not sure if i’m happy to be here yet but u guys seem pretty cool even if the archives have a Vibe and a half and your boss is a dick most of the time

 **Melanie King:** london rent amiright

 **sash:** amen to that

 **marto kart:** ^^^^

 **sash:** so this is the unofficial gc without jon

 **stonks:** unofficial and the best

 **sash:** please ignore the chat name, tim is a menace to society

 **Melanie King:** oh i already know that

 **stonks:** booooo

 **stonks:** also i gotta get on a nickname for u

 **stonks:** give me a mo

 **stonks:** itll be a work of genius i promise

 **Melanie King:** oh god

 **Melanie King:** i’m warning u once and once only

 **Melanie King:** i have at least one knife on my person at all times

 **Melanie King:** and i’m not afraid to use it

 **stonks:** shitting hell

 **stonks:** message received loud and clear

 **Melanie King:** don’t worry i’m saving it for when jon is more of a dick than usual

 **stonks:** ohhhh okay i like you

 **marto kart:** Dont encourage stabbing jon, tim!!

 **stonks:** actually yea save your stabbing for double boss

 **Melanie King:** ohhhh yeah no he’s definitely getting stabbed if he crosses the line

 **stonks:** omg that’s the one thing you can bond with the bossman over

 **marto kart:** Yeah good point!

 **stonks:** if u do stab double boss well get u free drinks forever

 **Melanie King:** sounds good i’m in

 **sash:** oh i should probably add you to the chat with jon in too

\---

_“archives gang”_

**_Sasha James_ ** _added_ **_Melanie King_** _to the group_

 **the fun one:** oh my god oh my god oh my god

 **the fun one:** theres 5 of us now yesss

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_baby_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Sasha James_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_ginger_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Melanie King_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_scary_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_posh_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_sporty_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “the spice girls”_

 **sporty:** i dont need to explain any of these

 **sporty:** and no i am not accepting criticism at this time

 **ginger:** tim why the hell am i ginger?? when i’m not??? ginger????

 **sporty:** um needst i show the entire chat that one photo u showed me?

 **sporty:** from when you were 21? with that glorious bleach and dye job?

 **ginger:** shit there’s no need for that

 **sporty:** i rest my case 

**posh:** this is a work chat, primarily, if I might remind you.

 **sporty:** pfft boss no its not

 **scary:** i’ve been here for about an hour and i can already tell it’s not

 **sporty:** thank u melanie

 **sporty:** im terrified of u and ur knives but ur also a very very valuable addition to the team

 **scary:** that’s how i like it

 **posh:** christ. 

**baby:** Jon what did we agree earlier???

 **posh:** yes, alright

 **posh:** my apologies that you got dragged into this, Melanie. this is different from just using the library. the others have probably already told you that this is a strange and not always enjoyable place to work, and they’re not wrong. bizarre things happen around here, and these three aren’t even the worst of it. there were... supernatural worms, at one point. but I suppose you’re used to the weird, given your ghost hunting encounters. but at least we can try and make it a bit better.

 **scary:** hmm jury’s still out on that one but at least u’re trying

 **ginger:** oh before i forget

 **ginger:** sorry melanie, you’re probably going to hate this

 **ginger:** but there’s one last gc you absolutely need to be a part of

 **scary:** there’s more? christ, this is a bad sign

\---

_“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”_

**_Sasha James_ ** _added_ **_Melanie King_** _to the group_

 **_Sasha James_ ** _changed_ **_Melanie King_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_elias hater #4_ **

**elias hater #4:** never mind

 **elias hater #4:** i’m going to have a good time here

 **elias hater #4:** fuck the worms, if u’re all this feral in hating elias then we’re going to get along just fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned in my notes for the supplementary Elias fic: there's no such thing as a coherent timeline in this! Stuff happens vaguely on a canon timeline, but it's not really real and I'm arranging things for enjoyment's sake only :) Re Big Spooky in this fic: it exists, I've decided, but only inasmuch as it makes for fun plot. Nobody is getting killed or traumatised, it just exists so I can make fun references. The gang is exactly as aware of stuff as that demands. It's a generally lighter version of canon, basically :)  
> Also much like Tim, I'm not taking constructive criticism on the assignment of spice girls :P


	7. literal ghost hunt uk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ginger:** not to sound ungrateful but you shouldn’t have brought cake down here  
>  **ginger:** sorry melanie! i should have told you about rule 4 but i completely forgot!  
>  **posh:** jesus fuck. this is the last thing we need.  
>  **scary:** christ, okay  
>  **scary:** will one of you tell me what’s going on?? all i did was buy a fucking cake, you don’t have to jump down my fucking throat, god  
>  **scary:** wait what the fuck????  
>  **ginger:** too late oh christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof this one took a lil while but it's a bit of a long boi, so enjoy!  
> *slaps fic* this bad boy can fit so much feral inside it

Tuesday, 11:03 A.M.

_“archival ASSistants”_

**sash:** okay so jon asked me to give you the safety briefing, melanie

 **sash:** his actual words were “she needs to know the weird things about working here and i don’t want to take the risk that she won’t listen to me bc she thinks i’m a prick”

 **Melanie King:** ah he knows me better than i thought

 **Melanie King:** so... what’s up?

 **sash:** right so

 **sash:** if you see a yellow door, don't knock on it, and definitely don't open it

 **sash:** it leads into and/or is its own weird twisted fucko dimension

 **stonks:** and the ppl who might come out of the door are also possibly part of it? idk man 

**stonks:** and i dont think they know either wahoo

 **stonks:** michael and helen are pretty cool tho in a monster sorta way

 **stonks:** for ur reference: michael is blonde and helen isnt and thats the only reliable thing about them actually

 **stonks:** also im pretty sure theyd both do sasha

 **sash:** that is Not a thing tim

 **stonks:** marto am i wrong?

 **marto kart:** ...Hate to say it but hes not wrong, i think they both like you in a weird weird way

 **sash:** :/

 **sash:** let’s get this straight that if i was going to get involved with a supernatural entity i’d absolutely be the one doing the pegging

 **stonks:** hell yea babe

 **marto kart:** That tracks

 **Melanie King:** while i am absolutely on board with sasha pegging a ghost if it ever came to it, i think we may have drifted from where this conversation was meant to be going

 **sash:** yeah um

 **sash:** oh okay so if you end up recording statements, and you find one that doesn’t record onto your laptop? record it onto tape, there will be a tape recorder around (don’t ask me why, it just happens? we don’t question it anymore)

 **sash:** if you start you won’t be able to stop reading it and it will 100% wipe you out

 **sash:** so now the rule is if you read one of them, you gotta go sit down on the time out couch in the breakroom for 20 minutes, with tea if possible, and just have a bit of time to chill and recentre

 **marto kart:** It shouldnt happen that often, jon tries to make sure he does most of the Weird ones

 **marto kart:** I think he thinks theyre dangerous somehow, i think he gets a bit worried for us

 **Melanie King:** yeah he took my statement and i’d class that as Weird

 **Melanie King:** he doesn’t seem to take breaks though

 **sash:** yeah he doesn’t

 **sash:** the statements don’t seem to drain him as much, again, we have no idea why

 **marto kart:** Plus he pushes himself too much!!

 **sash:** please for your own sake don’t use jon as any kind of model of healthy behaviour

 **sash:** oh yeah and the last one

 **sash:** do Not go into the tunnels on your own

 **sash:** just don’t do it

 **Melanie King:** u guys have tunnels? that’s possibly the one neat thing about working here

 **stonks:** oh boy do we have tunnels

 **stonks:** if its creepy u can bet weve got it

 **sash:** yeah look there’s some kind of Thing in the tunnels

 **marto kart:** Plus i found the former archivists body down there so :///

 **marto kart:** Maybe stay away

 **Melanie King:** u’re shitting me

 **Melanie King:** fuck martin that sucks 

**marto kart:** Yeah it was kinda confronting but we already knew she was dead, so it was bad but not that bad if you know what i mean?

 **Melanie King:** yeah i guess. still sucks though

 **marto kart:** Thanks melanie :))

 **Melanie King:** and what’s the Thing? why does it get a capital?

 **sash:** we’re not sure exactly but it tried to kill me and take my place so

 **sash:** it’s not good, whatever it is

 **marto kart:** Jons sure its trapped in there tho but its best not to tempt fate

 **Melanie King:** holy fucking shit

 **Melanie King:** yep sure tunnels are out

 **Melanie King:** u know i had a dream the night before i started working here properly that i came in and u were different, sasha

 **Melanie King:** and i was the only one who knew about it

 **Melanie King:** i tried to tell the others but they wouldn’t believe me

 **Melanie King:** genuinely very relieved when u were. ya know. u

 **stonks:** welcome to the archives!!!11!1 where weird dreams are just the beginning

 **Melanie King:** why the fuck was jon such a dick about the supernatural when i came in, then? if u have creepy statements and spooky doors and a fucking Thing in ur tunnels and probably more???

 **marto kart:** To be fair the Thing is a fairly recent development

 **marto kart:** And his cynicism was a front really, he told me hes always believed in it but he felt like if he admitted it something bad would happen

 **stonks:** i mean was he wrong tho

 **marto kart:** Well no, but the worms didnt happen as a result of him believing in them

 **sash:** fuck worms

 **stonks:** fuck worms 

**marto kart:** Fuck worms forever and ever amen

 **marto kart:** But yeah jons a lot better about the spooky things now!!

 **Melanie King:** yeah i did kinda notice that

 **Melanie King:** he didn’t act like an arsehole when i told him i got stabbed by a ghost

 **stonks:** u got stabbed by a ghost? fkn sick

 **stonks:** ...whoa that meme was rlly u?

 **Melanie King:** yes. 

**Melanie King:** it’s a bit of a sore subject though. by which i mean i’ll maim anyone who brings up that video

 **stonks:** yes maam

 **stonks:** still pretty sick that u got stabbed by a ghost

 **Melanie King:** ...yeah u’re right actually

 **stonks:** this must mean ur able to stab them back? 

**Melanie King:** well i mean

 **stonks:** shh dont tell me any different

 **stonks:** ur our ghost stabber

 **stonks:** actually yeah

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Melanie King_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_ghost stabber_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “literal ghost hunt uk”_

 **ghost stabber:** thanks i guess?

 **stonks:** ur welc

 **stonks:** one of us! one of us!

 **sash:** oh and also the less deathy but still incredibly serious rules for the group chat

 **ghost stabber:** the fuck sort of serious rules do you have in the group chat?

 **sash:** the sort that pay for drinks at the end of the month

 **ghost stabber:** ohhhhhh yep okay go on

 **sash:** rule 1: no el*as in the group chat 

**sash:** (that’s what the vent chat is for, you’re in for a treat bc jon should’ve just gone into his weekly meeting with el*as and he’s gonna go feral again)

 **ghost stabber:** el*as i fuckin love

 **sash:** rule 2: don’t be mean to martin

 **sash:** rule 3: all changes to admin privileges have to be by majority group decision

 **sash:** there are others but they’re mostly arbitrary

 **sash:** e.g. rule 53: if anyone mentions the worms you have to reply “fuck worms”

 **sash:** but if you fuck up on the top three the penalty is £1 in the jar in the breakroom

 **stonks:** i labelled it udfu so its easy to spot

 **marto kart:** Guys i see typing in the vent chat 

**marto kart:** This should be good :))))

\---

_“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”_

**elias hater #0:** day 12409409. Elias still refuses to tell me anything of actual use

 **elias hater #0:** christ i wish i could just type on my phone in front of him but that would be “rude” and “disrespectful to your boss Jon”

 **elias hater #0:** why does he insist on scheduling regular meetings just to ask cryptic questions and not give me any information?

 **elias hater #0:** “how are you finding these statements, Jon? how is your progress coming along?” I read them. I record them. I have dreams about them.

 **elias hater #0:** and he just smiles and goes “hmm” and doesn’t answer my fucking questions

 **elias hater #0:** Elias, if I wanted cryptic I would go to the crossword in the Times

 **elias hater #0:** at least if that annoyed me I could crumple it up and throw it in the bin

 **elias hater #0:** oh. imagine.

 **elias hater #0:** we’re using the Institute budget to hire a skip

 **elias hater #0:** Martin, you have the best arms in the archives

 **elias hater #0:** strength-wise, I mean

 **elias hater #0:** and together we will dunk him into the skip.

 **elias hater #3:** im already on the phone to the skip company

 **elias hater #0:** thank you, Tim

 **elias hater #4:** jon i think we can agree i’ll never respect u but i like u a hell of a lot more now

 **elias hater #0:** I assume that means you’ll help with the dunking, Melanie?

 **elias hater #4:** i wouldn’t miss it for the world

\---

Thursday, 8:45 A.M.

_“the spice girls”_

**baby:** Happy birthday sasha!!!

 **sporty:** oh yeah! hap borth, sash!

 **ginger:** thanque, lads :)

 **scary:** oh is it ur bday, sasha?

 **scary:** i’d have chipped in for a cake or something if i’d known 

**ginger:** thanks, melanie! but don’t worry about it, we don’t really do cake here

 **sporty:** we go for drinks after work instead

 **sporty:** or we drink during work 

**scary:** oh ace

 **scary:** yeah i’d be up for that

 **sporty:** melanie king once again proving shes the perfect fit for this place

 **scary:** thank u

 **scary:** i’m just perfect, full stop

 **posh:** oh I beg to differ.

 **scary:** piss off jon, u love me :-)

 **posh:** incorrect.

 **posh:** I tolerate you, because you might stab Elias one day, and I cannot wait for that to happen

 **scary:** well u can’t fire me before that happens

 **posh:** more’s the pity.

 **posh:** now, I will remind you all that you really shouldn’t be talking about drinking during work hours, on work premises, in the chat that I’m in

 **posh:** that being said, happy birthday, Sasha

 **posh:** and may I recommend vodka in a water bottle so if I happen to chance across you drinking clear fluids I can at least have some vague hope that you’re keeping hydrated

 **ginger:** thanks jon! if i do drink in the archives i promise it’ll be discreet ;)

 **posh:** I mean, I’d rather you didn’t drink in the archives at all

 **posh:** particularly seeing as Tim has that lighter he thinks I don’t know about, and Martin has tendencies towards arson

 **sporty:** :0

 **sporty:** boss how the Fuck

 **sporty:** marto i swore u to secrecy about that lighter!

 **baby:** It wasnt me tim i swear!!!

 **posh:** no, he didn’t tell me. I...

 **posh:** hm.

 **posh:** I can’t remember how I found out, but none of you told me about it, I’m sure of it.

 **baby:** ...

 **sporty:** fuckin weirdass place

 **sporty:** if we promise not to destroy the archives will u have a drink w us boss?

 **posh:** probably not, Tim

 **sporty:** come onnnn not even for sasha’s bday?

 **posh:** maybe later, but I do have work to do. these statements aren’t the kind of thing one can record while drunk.

 **sporty:** omg could u imagine

 **posh:** hm.

 **sporty:** drunk statements

 **sporty:** like drunk history but better

 **posh:** I’m going to actually start recording now so I will mute this chat. official regulations are to not bring alcohol into the archives but if I don’t see it then I can’t enforce said regulation.

 **ginger:** thanks jon :)

 **sporty:** mods are asleep post booze plans

 **scary:** yeah i’ll go on lunch break

 **sporty:** we dont deserve u

 **scary:** i know :-)

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** they’re going to bring alcohol in.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well yeah of course

 **Martin Blackwood:** I can keep an eye on things to make sure they dont get too rowdy if you want!!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ah. no, more the opposite

 **Jonathan Sims:** when someone inevitably brings it in, can you bring me in a mug?

 **Jonathan Sims:** if anyone sees you going into my office with a mug, they’ll think it’s just tea...

 **Martin Blackwood:** Sneaky!! I like it :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im in

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Martin.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I don’t know what I’d do without you

\---

12:31 P.M.

_“the spice girls”_

**scary:** hey i'm back with booze

 **scary:** oh whoops not booze i meant “special water”

 **posh:** thank you.

 **ginger:** oh fab! bring it through where jon can’t see :D

 **sporty:** melanie ur a fuckin gift

 **scary:** i know

 **scary:** and i may have gone by a valerie’s on my way back

 **scary:** u guys said u didn’t do cake for birthdays, but lbr i’m not going to pass up an excuse for cake

 **scary:** this place is fucked up and cake at least makes that a bit better

 **scary:** i’m cutting it now jsyk

 **sporty:** fuck melanie no

 **baby:** Oh no melanie dont do that!!!

 **ginger:** not to sound ungrateful but you shouldn’t have brought cake down here

 **ginger:** sorry melanie! i should have told you about rule 4 but i completely forgot!

 **posh:** jesus fuck. this is the last thing we need.

 **scary:** christ, okay

 **scary:** will one of you tell me what’s going on?? all i did was buy a fucking cake, you don’t have to jump down my fucking throat, god

 **scary:** wait what the fuck????

 **ginger:** too late oh christ

\---

_“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”_

**elias hater #4:** what the fuck is he doing here

 **elias hater #4:** i thought he didn’t leave his fucking ivory tower of an office

 **elias hater #0:** oh, I wish. no.

 **elias hater #0:** you summoned him.

 **elias hater #4:** *i* summoned him? 

**elias hater #4:** what, with cake?

 **elias hater #1:** Yeah thats kinda how it works unfortunately :///

 **elias hater #1:** Dont worry melanie its not your fault, you didnt know!!

 **elias hater #0:** regardless, now we’re fucking stuck with him.

 **elias hater #4:** seriously what the fuck?????

 **elias hater #2:** yeah so rule 4 is don’t bring cake into the archives

 **elias hater #2:** i honestly forgot about it bc we don’t do cake anymore, because of him

 **elias hater #2:** we don’t mention cake or bring cake or even think about cake in the archives bc somehow it summons that bag of dicks and he scabs cake off us while being ominous

 **elias hater #3:** its bc elias is a spooky snoopy bastard

 **elias hater #4:** he has cameras down here? perv

 **elias hater #1:** Oh no its worse than that!!

 **elias hater #2:** yeah i did some snooping a little while back and it turns out there aren’t actually any cameras down here

 **elias hater #2:** literally none at all

 **elias hater #2:** but he still knows everything that’s going on

 **elias hater #3:** which is why weve come to the conclusion that hes spooky af

 **elias hater #2:** there seems to be a certain breed of spooky that deals with watching? or being watched, or something like that, and we think he might be a part of it

 **elias hater #3:** u see

 **elias hater #3:** he always always always knows when there's cake even when he has 0 reasonable way of finding out

 **elias hater #1:** We actually ran tests!!

 **elias hater #2:** plus it very very neatly sums up everything he does

 **elias hater #2:** occam’s razor institute version: the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, and if that includes the massively spooky then yeah, that counts

 **elias hater #4:** so he just... knows everything?

 **elias hater #2:** pretty much

 **elias hater #4:** so he knows about this chat?

 **elias hater #0:** no. he doesn’t. and I have done and will do everything in my power to stop him from knowing about this chat.

 **elias hater #1:** Jon im filing that under ominous

 **elias hater #1:** Actually youve been getting more ominous generally lately and its mildly concerning :///

 **elias hater #0:** oh. it’s not intentional?

 **elias hater #1:** Thats good at least?

 **elias hater #1:** Whats also genuinely good is that even tho hes the biggest cake scab, elias never asks for tea anymore :))))

 **elias hater #0:** I maintain you are all Employees of the Month for that, indefinitely

 **elias hater #4:** for what?

 **elias hater #3:** we all spat in his tea and he drank it >:)

 **elias hater #3:** thats the best thing ive ever ever done in this job

 **elias hater #4:** oh my fucking god

 **elias hater #4:** wait jesus fuck elias stay the fuck away from the last piece with a strawberry on 

**elias hater #4:** i have had my eye on that u rat bastard

 **elias hater #4:** if u take the piece with the strawberry on i’m gonna quit right here and now and i’m thinking that extra loud so u’ll hear me or whatever

 **elias hater #4:** no put the strawberry piece down u arse

 **elias hater #4:** wait what the fuck did he just say

 **elias hater #4:** did he just say we can’t fucking quit are u fucking kidding me

 **elias hater #0:** that is indeed what he just said

 **elias hater #0:** oh, wonderful. now he’s monologuing over cake

 **elias hater #0:** “I’m the heart of the Institute” that’s all very well and good but does he know that he has a blob of cream on his top lip

 **elias hater #4:** i can’t fucking take this

\---

12:57 P.M.

 **elias hater #2:** mkay melanie is safely on the time out couch sans all knives

 **elias hater #2:** biggest thanks to martin for a) physical melanie-wrangling and b) being too nice to stab

 **elias hater #1:** Haha no worries, ive had to defuse a few fights in my time :)) 

**elias hater #1:** Ive gone to make tea, ill be back in a mo!!

 **elias hater #0:** well. thank you all for your help in preventing the murder of another Magnus Institute staff member

 **elias hater #0:** I’ve locked all the kitchen knives in my drawer, come see me if you need anything sharper than a butter knife

 **elias hater #3:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **elias hater #3:** that flying leap was a thing of fkn beauty tho

 **elias hater #3:** the aesthetique™ 

**elias hater #4:** thanks, maybe the rest of these traitors will let me connect next time

 **elias hater #0:** Melanie, as much as I admire your dedication to stabbing that rotten pustule on the anus of humanity, he did say that if he dies, so do we all

 **elias hater #0:** so until I can trust you not to stab him lethally, as your boss, I’m banning you from knives in the archives.

 **elias hater #4:** wow and i thought the rat bastard was the worst boss

 **elias hater #0:** you take that back.

 **elias hater #4:** fine okay but only because u’ve given me implicit permission to stab him nonlethally

 **elias hater #4:** which means we can negotiate

 **elias hater #0:** that we can

 **elias hater #2:** okay in light of what’s just happened i am postponing birthday drinks til tomorrow bc elias makes me want to get drunk for business not for pleasure

 **elias hater #2:** karaoke bar tomorrow night?

 **elias hater #3:** aw yea im in

 **elias hater #1:** Sounds great!!! Jon are you coming?

 **elias hater #0:** not if I can find a polite way to refuse

 **elias hater #1:** You forget i have georgies number and im not afraid to use it :))

 **elias hater #0:** fiend. for the sake of the Admiral I will go

 **elias hater #1:** :))))))

 **elias hater #4:** yeah what the hell i’m in too

 **elias hater #2:** ace! 

**elias hater #0:** not to break up the party, but I do need to get back to these statements. 

**elias hater #3:** and were all going to get back to melanies bottle of vodka! 

**elias hater #3:** i need to cleanse elias from my brain

 **elias hater #3:** sorry “special water”

 **elias hater #4:** bottleS

 **elias hater #3:** ur stabby and boozy i think ur my new fav person

 **elias hater #4:** :-)

\---

6:26 P.M.

 **_Melanie King_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** hell day

 **Melanie King:** coming to urs with vodka

 **Melanie King:** need to get completely hammered and plot homicide

 **Georgie Barker:** archives? 

**Melanie King:** yep 

**Georgie Barker:** elias? 

**Melanie King:** yep.

 **Georgie Barker:** you better bring enough vodka for both of us

 **Melanie King:** oh don’t worry i’m on it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who reads / kudoses / comments! I love you all <333  
> Updates during the week are, as you can see, slowing down--I'm trying to juggle life things like finding an actual job, so my writing time is a tad limited. Weekend updates should still be pretty regular though! S5 is kicking my arse so making the spooky light and controlled in this overwhelmingly positive chatverse is keeping me sane :)


	8. operation wasteland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **stonks:** fab so it turns out thatit takes 4 glassse of dry red wine to get the boss in a state where he can b pesuded to sing  
>  **stonks:** *persuded  
>  **ghost stabber:** third time lucky?  
>  **stonks:** nah fuck it  
>  **stonks:** but this is valuable intel ayee  
>  **sash:** i must say i did Not expect jon to bust out a word perfect we didn’t start the fire  
>  **sash:** but boy am i impresed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for karaoke! And the assistants start to plot...

Friday, 8:42 P.M.

_ “the spice girls” _

**baby:** Sasha you did say meet at 9 right? At the place on poland st??

**ginger:** yep that’s the one!

**baby:** Oh perfect!!! Im omw

**ginger:** thanks martin!

**ginger:** oh and don’t forget everyone

**ginger:** you all owe me a round bc it’s my birthday

**ginger:** i’m not paying for a drink all night actually, thx in advance love you all

**sporty:** it was ur bday yesterday actually

**ginger:** tim, babe

**ginger:** timpani stoker

**ginger:** i love you but shut the fuck up

**ginger:** it’s not my fault that the arsehole in chief derailed my plans just by existing

**ginger:** oh yeah speaking of which

**ginger:** jon it’s your round first 

**ginger:** you think i’d let you get away with breaking rule 1? 

**posh:** …

**posh:** I thought you hadn’t noticed

**ginger:** oh i always notice when it comes to drinks xx

**posh:** fine. one round.

**posh:** I really don’t know what you hope to achieve with this

**ginger:** free drinks

**sporty:** shes got a point

**posh:** …

**posh:** there’s absolutely no way I can escape this, is there?

**ginger:** nope :)

\---

10:21 P.M.

_ “literal ghost hunt uk” _

**stonks:** fab so it turns out thatit takes 4 glassse of dry red wine to get the boss in a state where he can b pesuded to sing

**stonks:** *persuded

**ghost stabber:** third time lucky?

**stonks:** nah fuck it

**stonks:** but this is valuable intel ayee

**sash:** i must say i did Not expect jon to bust out a word perfect we didn’t start the fire

**sash:** but boy am i impresed

**stonks:** dw i got it on video

**sash:** happy birthday to me

**ghost stabber:** look i know i said i’d never respect him but hm. that may have changed

**stonks:** boi has chops

**stonks:** ohohohhoo look at marto damnnn hes so gone poor lad

\---

11:05 P.M.

**stonks:** okay but is any1 els findin it weird tht bossman just knows all the lyrics? to every song hedoes? 

**sash:** tim 

**sash:** tim this is karaoke

**sash:** tim the lyrics are up on the screen

**stonks:** babeeee hes not even lookign at th escreen

**sash:** ...ohhh

**sash:** o yeah

**marto kart:** I didntn otice

**sash:** and we all know why that is ;)

**marto kart:** Shut up!!

**marto kart:** God he does haev such agood voice tho

**ghost stabber:** grosss

**marto kart:** Shhhh im listning

**sash:** .........jon’s getting Weird

**stonks:** mmm

**sash:** we shld deal w this maybe

**ghost stabber:** probably yeah

**sash:** hmmmmmm i’m tipsy and its my birthday so i’m nt dealing w this!

**marto kart:** Guyss shh 

**marto kart:** I can talk t ohim later but now its karko

**marto kart:** *Karakore

**marto kart:** Whyy ar my thums s ofat

**marto kart:** ***Kareok

**marto kart:** Fuck

**marto kart:** Good singing man

**stonks:** :thumbs up emoji:

**marto kart:** :))))

\---

11:38 P.M.

**marto kart:** Fukc guys

**marto kart:** Fuckkkkkk

**marto kart:** I jsut had. A spirituale xprience

**marto kart:** Img oing to cry

**marto kart:** My heartttt 

**sash:** aw martin <3

\---

Saturday, 4:08 P.M.

**sash:** how’re we all doing this fine afternoon?

**sash:** more to the point 

**sash:** martin, my sweet

**sash:** got anything you’d like to share with the group?

**sash:** you... really didn’t want to get distracted from jon’s singing voice last night, hmm?

**sash:** he can really carry a tune, can’t he? 

**sash:** how would i describe it, hmmmm... 

**sash:** pretty deep, a bit rough, kinda... sexy...?

**marto kart:** Oh sasha no no no!!

**marto kart:** I dont

**marto kart:** I mean i might have a bit of a crush but no!!

**marto kart:** Not like that!!!!!

**stonks:** :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

**stonks:** methinks the marto doth protest too much

**marto kart:** Tim!!!!

**marto kart:** >:(((((

**stonks:** come off it marto

**stonks:** melanie, babe, uv been witness to all this

**stonks:** whats ur opinion? as the archives newbie?

**ghost stabber:** oh yeah martin u’ve got it bad

**ghost stabber:** u were looking at him with such a dopey smile

**ghost stabber:** and if i thought jon had real emotions i might say he was looking at u in the same sort of way after he was a few drinks in and he thought u weren’t looking

**stonks:** from the mouths of newbies hmmmmm

**sash:** hmmmmmmmmm

**sash:** if i may direct you back up to your messages from 11:38 post meridian hmmmmmm

**marto kart:** ...

**sash:** in fact i believe there is photographic evidence that 

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a blurry shot of Martin gazing up at the stage with an incredibly soft expression, hand raised to his eye as if he is wiping something away]

**sash:** this is what happens when jonathan sims, head archivist of the magnus institute, london, sings wasteland baby by hozier while very drunk at karaoke

**sash:** didn’t get the shot of jon while he was singing but martin he was looking straight at you for the entire song babe

**stonks:** sasha have i ever told u how much i love the work u do for this place

**sash:** cheers tim xx

**marto kart:** Oh look i think someones at the door i have to go bye!!

**sash:** martin nooo it’s cute! and we can help!

**sash:** ...nope i think he’s gone :(

**ghost stabber:** thanks guys u’ve pointed out the ust and now i won’t be able to ignore it

**stonks:** yea we have to put up with that on the reg

**ghost stabber:** well isn’t that just peachy

**ghost stabber:** and here was me thinking we lesbians were meant to have the monopoly on pining

**stonks:** oh babe u aint seen nothin yet

\---

Wednesday, 1:56 P.M.

**_Melanie King_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** g you have to help me

**Melanie King:** i can’t work in an environment like this

**Georgie Barker:** shit what’s going on?

**Georgie Barker:** is it the spooky shit? have you been stabbed again?

**Georgie Barker:** do i need to come in and kick jon’s arse? *elias’s* arse?

**Melanie King:** oh nah none of that

**Melanie King:** although the ass-whoopin would be very cathartic

**Melanie King:** and i’m always up to add more people to the beating-up-elias train choo fuckin choo

**Melanie King:** no it’s the fuckin unresolved sexual tension

**Melanie King:** the pining

**Melanie King:** g i cannot fucking stand the pining

**Georgie Barker:** ahahahaha oh love

**Georgie Barker:** yeah they’ve both got it bad 

**Melanie King:** no shit

**Melanie King:** u didn't even see them at karaoke jesus

**Georgie Barker:** oh but jon came round to mine on saturday and told me alllllll about it

**Georgie Barker:** he has a freakishly good drunk memory actually

**Georgie Barker:** and by "told me abt it" i mean he moped and pined and worried about being "professional" all afternoon and didn't listen to any of my advice :/

**Melanie King:** hang on i’m getting the others in on this

\---

**_Melanie King_ ** _ added  _ **_Georgie Barker_ ** _ ,  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ and  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ to the group _

**Melanie King:** right i have summoned u all here today bc i cannot stand the ust in the office

**Melanie King:** whatever the fuck is going on between jon and martin needs to be resolved somehow immediately

**Timothy Stoker:** agreeeeeeeeeeeed

**Timothy Stoker:** uv been here for like 2min and uv hit right to the heart of it

**Timothy Stoker:** ive suggested locking them in a broom cupboard and waiting for the inevitable but sash wont let me 

**Sasha James:** yeah as much as i want to, a) that’s pretty dubious and b) i’m not actually sure we could now

**Sasha James:** jon’s knowing weird stuff he has absolutely no right to know so he might get tipped off

**Melanie King:** try the direct approach? tell them to pull their heads out of their arses and just talk?

**Georgie Barker:** firstly i gotta say how much i love that you’ve made a gc just for this

**Georgie Barker:** secondly, i’ve Tried telling them directly but jon just gets defensive then avoids it altogether

**Georgie Barker:** and martin can’t believe jon would ever feel the same way

**Timothy Stoker:** yea weve tried encouraging marto but no

**Sasha James:** as you saw the other day, melanie, he just nopes out of the conversation

**Timothy Stoker:** and if we raised it w jon i can tell u exACTly how it wld go:

**Timothy Stoker:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU7IUprPqag](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU7IUprPqag)

**Sasha James:** booOOOONE!?!?!?!? 

**Sasha James:** hoW dARe YoU aSSiStaNT StOKeR

**Melanie King:** i will pay good money to see u do that tim

**Timothy Stoker:** how much r we talkin here?

**Melanie King:** i mean only like £2

**Timothy Stoker:** hmmmmm yea nah

**Sasha James:** yeah so let’s just say the direct approach isn’t going to work

**Georgie Barker:** but they’re both absolute dumbasses when it comes to this so being subtle about it might not be the best plan either

**Sasha James:** oh trueee

**Sasha James:** ugh

**Melanie King:** well we have to do something

**Melanie King:** i’m going to fuckin gouge my eyes out with a rusty spork if i have to witness one more awkward exchange over a mug of tea

**Timothy Stoker:** thats the new mission then

**Timothy Stoker:** fuck the spooky and fuck organising the archives, we gotta get jonmartin to happen

**Timothy Stoker:** for the sake of melanie’s eyes!

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “operation get jon to boooOOOONE!?!?!?!” _

**Sasha James:** why do i ever let you name groups

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the group “operation wasteland” _

**Sasha James:** simple. classy. connotations of the hellscape we all find ourselves in. less likely to alert jon or martin if they see the chat name. evokes memories of peak pining during karaoke.

**Georgie Barker:** oh perfect

**Sasha James:** you heard about karaoke then?

**Georgie Barker:** boy did i ever

**Timothy Stoker:** oop close the chat lads

**Timothy Stoker:** hes coming out of his office and hes got that scowl on

\---

_ “the spice girls” _

**posh:** ugh.

**posh:** we’re getting even more members of staff in the archives

**posh:** I can tolerate you now, Melanie, and I appreciate your stabbing skills

**scary:** oh cheers

**posh:** but I don’t think I can take any more people.

**sporty:** noooo 

**sporty:** i mean yay more people

**sporty:** but its gonna fuck up my spice girls nicknames

**scary:** and it’s going to rope more people into this hellpit they can’t escape from?

**sporty:** oh yea that too i guess

**ginger:** did you get an email from el*as about it, jon?

**ginger:** weird, he normally copies us all in on these sorts of things

**posh:** I

**posh:** hm.

**posh:** ...Martin, is that another one for the file? 

**baby:** Yep :///

**posh:** ...ah. sorry.

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Timothy Stoker:** thank fuck were safe

**Timothy Stoker:** all in favour of keeping this on as much dl as poss say aye

**Sasha James:** aye

**Melanie King:** aye

**Georgie Barker:** aye

**Timothy Stoker:** altho in general

\---

_ “literal ghost hunt uk” _

**stonks:** lads i rlly think we need to do smth about jon Knowing things

**stonks:** admittedly idk what we *can* do but its Weird

**marto kart:** I dont think he knows hes being that ominous when he does it

**marto kart:** Like its catching him by surprise as well whenever we bring it up???

**sash:** i guess we have to keep bringing it to his attention? and maybe he’ll realise when he’s knowing spooky stuff rather than normal stuff

**marto kart:** Yeah thats what ive been doing :///

**marto kart:** We all think the same right? That the same brand of spooky that el*as is part of is affecting jon?? The knowing things spooky

**sash:** yeah

**marto kart:** Im just worried for him :(((

**marto kart:** If this has anything to do with el*as it cant be good

**sash:** i’ve been trying to look more into it but i’m drawing a few blanks...... pool resources?

**marto kart:** Sounds good!!

**stonks:** yea sure

**ghost stabber:** christ knows we don’t need this place getting any weirder

**marto kart:** Okay so we do what research we can then have a proper talk to him about it??

**sash:** seems like the best option

\---

3:00 P.M.

_ “the spice girls” _

**ginger:** oh there’s the email from el*as just come through now

**posh:** ...

**ginger:** he’s going to bring the new staff down tomorrow morning, cool

**ginger:** hey @sporty that means be here on time

**sporty:** babe that feels rlly targeted

**ginger:** good

**baby:** Wonder who its gonna be!

**posh:** I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.

**sporty:** buzzkill

**posh:** at your service. now, can I please wrangle another two hours of work out of you all?

**sporty:** no promises boss ;)

\---

Thursday, 9:02 A.M.

**baby:** Alright guys im in prime position to see whos coming down the stairs without looking like a complete snoop

**sporty:** nice one marto

**baby:** Door opening.........

**sporty:** who is it who is it who is it

**sporty:** ?????

**baby:** Oh its basira! :)))

**sporty:** bossman’s copper not-gf? oh cool

**ginger:** ah yeah she left the force too, right? good for her

**baby:** And........

**baby:** Oh

**ginger:** oh?

**ginger:** oh. oh indeed.

**sporty:** daisy fucking tonner

**sporty:** fuck why do both new spice girls have to be scary spice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending on that note, I should say that I love Daisy!! But the archives gang haven't had a chance to get to know her yet, and she's canonically a Lot to the uninitiated...   
> Yeah this chapter is quite a bit of setting up... but from the next chapter, we'll have a full main cast! Huzzah :)  
> Jon singing We Didn't Start the Fire with assistance from the Eye comes courtesy of tardesacrilicas's "it was always burning (since the world's been turning)"--a fab karaoke fic which I absolutely recommend :D  
> Also, although I've been aware of Hozier as a concept for... well, ages, I only started listening to his stuff properly yesterday, and I am in love with this tender/horny/feral bog man :) And look, I know I've already established this as being set in 2016, the timeline in this exists purely at my discretion, and if I want to have drunk Jon tenderly singing Wasteland, Baby to an equally drunk Martin?? An apocalypse love song??? Shoved in here for the express purpose of jonmartin pining??? I will do that and god himself cannot stop me.  
> On a completely unrelated note: if you're looking to try something completely different, I'm going to plug a good pal's Witcherverse fic! Tales of Dwrwedd (which you can find at the top of my bookmarks) is a wonderfully-written fic in the Witcher universe, featuring two fab OCs on a Journey to break a curse (and find companionship along the way). It's just a good time with some great characters, and it deserves your click :))


	9. work chat with our official legal names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sporty:** wait  
>  **sporty:** ur name is alice?  
>  **sporty:** alice?????  
>  **sporty:** i dont like it™   
> **Alice Tonner:** oh wow thanks  
>  _ **Alice Tonner** changed her nickname to **daisy**_  
>  **sporty:** thats much better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full archives cast wheeeee

Thursday, 9:03 A.M.

_ “the spice girls” _

**sporty:** how the fuck do we keep getting more ppl tho

**sporty:** like shit

**sporty:** whats the sales pitch?

**sporty:** “come work in the archives! we have a creepy boss, an even creepier boss, you cant escape, and sometimes there are worms and evil doors and random weird fuckery!”

**sporty:** who the fuck thinks working here would be a good idea

**ginger:** i mean, we all did?

**sporty:** nah the spooky wasnt happening when we got drafted in here

**scary:** in my experience “five-figure salary” when combined with “london rent” is a pretty big lure

**scary:** weirdly enough they don’t tell u about the spooky shit when u first sign the contract, it’s not like el*as said any of that in his email 

**scary:** and then u try and stab the even creepier boss when u find it out but ur traitor workmates don’t let u

**sporty:** yea that one was on us

**sporty:** but fuck the last thing we need is more ppl coming in 

**sporty:** ugh

**baby:** Oh no have you guys seen whats happening?? El*as is testing jons door and it is Not opening

**baby:** This needs to go in the support group omg

\---

_ “the spice girls” _

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ has left the group _

\---

_ "friends of jonathan sims support group" _

**Martin Blackwood:** Just a heads up that once again jon has locked himself in his office so he doesnt have to engage with the new staff

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh shit

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Melanie King_ ** _ to the group _

**Martin Blackwood:** Sorry i didnt add you until now melanie!!

**Melanie King:** all g

**Melanie King:** i mean calling me a “friend of jonathan sims” is a bit of a stretch but thanks martin

**Martin Blackwood:** No worries!!

**Melanie King:** ahaha wait so jon actually was hiding from me when i first came down that’s classic

**Melanie King:** but yeah i can confirm he’s absolutely doing the same thing rn

**Georgie Barker:** oh god jon

**Georgie Barker:** one day i will make the boy develop a single social skill

**Timothy Stoker:** altho to be fair its daisy and basira

**Timothy Stoker:** basiras fine

**Timothy Stoker:** if shes got over me thinking she was jons gf

**Georgie Barker:** wait you thought what

**Georgie Barker:** omg he never told me about that

**Georgie Barker:** ahahahaha tim that’s gold

**Timothy Stoker:** ................moving right along

**Timothy Stoker:** but yea holy shit daisy is a Lot

**Timothy Stoker:** shes the cop that interviewed us after marto found gertrudes body 

**Timothy Stoker:** and she was like madam police brutality

**Sasha James:** yeah that was intense

**Martin Blackwood:** Wait el*as has just found a key and unlocked jons office oh noooo

**Martin Blackwood:** Wow their discussion looks intense, im going over to see if i can get some intel 

**Timothy Stoker:** marto we r truly blessed to have u as such a natural snoop

**Timothy Stoker:** nobody ever suspects u its so great

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahaha thanks i guess??

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh it sounds like both of them have quit the police

**Martin Blackwood:** Daisy and basira

**Timothy Stoker:** so theyre not replacement police informants then

**Timothy Stoker:** guess im still putting dinners with my sources on the institute credit card ayeee

**Sasha James:** “““sources”””

**Georgie Barker:** ?

**Sasha James:** tim wines and dines two different police contacts to get info lol

**Timothy Stoker:** police admin, not like police police

**Timothy Stoker:** acab, i have standards

**Timothy Stoker:** but if i cant use bitchards money for fancy dinner then im not doing my job right

**Melanie King:** that’s so fuckin valid

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh man okay jon doesnt look happy but at least hes kinda resigned now

**Martin Blackwood:** El*as is coming out so heads down and avoid eye contact!!

**Georgie Barker:** i fkn love seeing what you guys have to do to survive at the workplace

**Georgie Barker:** really makes me appreciate being a podcaster :D

**Melanie King:** hey g shut the fuck up

**Georgie Barker:** you know you love me xx

\---

_ “the spice girls” _

**_Sasha James_ ** _ added  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to the group _

**sporty:** well its not the spice girls w 6 members now is it

**sporty:** dammit sash

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “not the spice girls anymore” _

**Basira Hussain:** Wow what a welcome

**ginger:** oh fuck you read the previous messages

**Basira Hussain:** Yep

**ginger:** we’re not normally like this?

**scary:** (a lie)

**ginger:** melanie! 

**ginger:** well okay she’s right

**ginger:** but basira please ignore tim

**ginger:** he’s just bitter that more people joining the archives has ruined his spice girls nicknaming theme

**sporty:** sash i did not ask to be called out like that

**Basira Hussain:** No I get that the spice girls are important

**sporty:** thank you!!

**Basira Hussain:** Although I don’t get why Sasha is ginger?

**sporty:** oho theres a pic i can show you

**ginger:** tim. one more word and i will post that photo of you in magaluf

**sporty:** aw babe you think im ashamed of that?

**baby:** Yeah actually i think tim showed us that one himself

**ginger:** oh no no i mean the other one :)

**baby:** Theres another one???

**sporty:** fuck i forgot ur a hacker

**sporty:** shitdamn okay my lips are sealed

**ginger:** :)

**ginger:** basira, i’ve been trying to look up daisy to add her but i can’t seem to find her?

**Basira Hussain:** Oh don’t worry I’ll add her if you want

**ginger:** thanks!

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ added  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ to the group _

**Alice Tonner:** .

**Alice Tonner:** basira. why did you add me to this

**Basira Hussain:** Daisy. It’s a work gc

**sporty:** in the interests of full disclosure that is also a lie

**sporty:** wait

**sporty:** ur name is alice?

**sporty:** alice?????

**sporty:** i dont like it™ 

**Alice Tonner:** oh wow thanks

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_daisy_ **

**sporty:** thats much better

**daisy:** I mean, it is my name

**sporty:** no its fuckin not

**ginger:** i mean you don’t have much room to complain when your real name is secretly timetable stoker

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_timetable stoker_ **

**timetable stoker:** oh so this is how were playing it, huh

**timetable stoker:** thats a bold move when “sash” is short for “sash window” and not “sasha” like u keep telling everyone 

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_sash window james_ **

**sash window james:** tim omg

**baby:** Guys arent we meant to be trying to make a good impression??? Please???

**timetable stoker:** ohhhh nice to hear from u marto

**timetable stoker:** or should i say

**timetable stoker:** house martin blackwood

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_house martin blackwood_ **

**house martin blackwood:** Look

**house martin blackwood:** Id be more mad if it wasnt a cute bird :))

**house martin blackwood:** Ill let it pass this time i guess

**scary:** @daisy sometimes i wonder why ive been added to this fkn chat too dw

**scary:** it’s not just the archives u can’t escape from

**scary:** it’s the constant stupidity in this chat

**daisy:** so it seems

**timetable stoker:** ah melanie u wound me

**sash window james:** lads i’ve done some digging and uh

**timetable stoker:** yessss hacker sash at it again

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Melanie King_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_watermelon king_ **

**sash window james:** yeah so it turns out mel isn’t short for melanie? it’s short for watermelon? who knew

**house martin blackwood:** Ohhh i guess thats why you dont like the nickname, it reminds you of everything youve been running away from

**watermelon king:** sasha + martin i thought u were the sane ones

**house martin blackwood:** *house martin

**sash window james:** *sash window

**watermelon king:** :-|

**sash window james:** i’m putting off doing my actual work bc i’m so not in the mood for it today

**timetable stoker:** oh mood

**watermelon king:** can’t fault that

**Basira Hussain:** Look in the interests of fairness

**Basira Hussain:** I must say that Daisy didn’t even have her full name up on her profile

**Basira Hussain:** ........It’s actually Alice Band Tonner

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ changed  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_Alice Band Tonner_ **

**timetable stoker:** yesssssssssssssss

**Alice Band Tonner:** what the fuck basira

**Alice Band Tonner:** what happened to “we have to stick together”?

**Basira Hussain:** Against people like Elias. We’re working with the archives staff now

**Basira Hussain:** Well, you are, anyway

**Basira Hussain:** It’s like they’re sectioned, but with the added benefit that they talk about the weird shit

**Alice Band Tonner:** i suppose.

**timetable stoker:** oh we love talking abt weird stuff

**Alice Band Tonner:** well then i need to tell them all that basira is actually short for basingstoke

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_basingstoke hussain_ **

**Alice Band Tonner:** justice.

**timetable stoker:** omg i love

**timetable stoker:** yall are part of the team now

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “work chat with our official legal names” _

**sash window james:** hang on, what did you mean that only daisy is working here?

**Alice Band Tonner:** elias hired me to shoot monsters. 

\---

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ to  _ **_Sasha James_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** oi babe she just said el*as

**Timothy Stoker:** when are u gonna tell them abt rule 1

**Sasha James:** she said it in the same sentence where she literally said she’s here to shoot things

**Sasha James:** they’ve got clearance time

**Sasha James:** she’s cool but she’s also fkn terrifying

**Timothy Stoker:** oh worm

**Timothy Stoker:** god i want to shoot monsters too

\---

_ “work chat with our official legal names” _

**timetable stoker:** shooting monsters is fuckin mint tho

**timetable stoker:** can i come too?

**Alice Band Tonner:** can you shoot a gun?

**timetable stoker:** can u teach me to shoot a gun?

**sash window james:** read: that’s a no, chief

**Alice Band Tonner:** then no.

**timetable stoker:** booooo

**basingstoke hussain:** I’m mostly here so Daisy does what Elias wants

**watermelon king:** that’s fucked up

**watermelon king:** even for el*as a hostage situation is fucked up

**basingstoke hussain:** I don’t really mind, I just get to read and find out more about what we were dealing with when I was sectioned

**house martin blackwood:** Thats... a surprisingly calm way of dealing with things here?? 

**house martin blackwood:** Congrats on that :))

**timetable stoker:** yea when melanie found out about the stuff like not being able to quit she tried to stab el*as

**sash window james:** oh yeah if you want to use a knife in the breakroom you’ll have to talk to jon, he’s taken all the sharp knives and locked them in his desk

**watermelon king:** i mean i don’t know why he thinks that’d work

**watermelon king:** i have my own knives

**house martin blackwood:** Hey guys speaking of

**house martin blackwood:** Weve been chatting for ages and jon hasnt told us to get back to work???

**sash window james:** ...huh

**timetable stoker:** yea where is our fearless leader rubber johnny sims

**timetable stoker:** ohhh my god 

**timetable stoker:** lads he dirty deleted himself from the group

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ added  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to the group _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_rubber johnny sims_ **

**timetable stoker:** boss omg i cant believe u left us

**rubber johnny sims:** damn.

**rubber johnny sims:** I’m honestly surprised it took you that long to notice

**rubber johnny sims:** and I’m sure you already know this, but I hate that nickname

**timetable stoker:** oh yep

**rubber johnny sims:** but since you brought it up, Martin, I would appreciate it if you all could get to work. 

**rubber johnny sims:** Sasha, Martin, can you give Daisy and Basira the proper tour?

**rubber johnny sims:** Tim, I don’t trust you at all

**rubber johnny sims:** Melanie, just don’t get the new staff to attempt to kill El*as and we should be fine

**house martin blackwood:** On it jon!!

**rubber johnny sims:** thank you, Martin

\---

_ “literal ghost hunt uk” _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ and  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to the group _

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_daisy_ **

**marto kart:** So this is the chat without jon

**stonks:** (aka the best chat)

**ghost stabber:** they gave me the “safety briefing” not too long ago so u should be able to find that if you search it

**ghost stabber:** plus the chat rules that pay for drinks

**Basira Hussain:** Ah thanks

**Basira Hussain:** Oh that’s why you all censored his name

**sash:** yeah you’re new so you had a grace period

**stonks:** also daisy ur frankly fuckin scarier than any of the spooky weve got round here

**daisy:** good

**sash:** i’ll add you both to the vent chat too hang on

**sash:** jon’s weekly rants are a thing of beauty

\---

_ “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker” _

**_Sasha James_ ** _ added  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ and  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to the group _

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_elias hater #5_ **

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_elias hater #6_ **

\---

9:51 A.M.

_ “literal ghost hunt uk” _

**marto kart:** So thats the archives!!

**marto kart:** Any qs just ask one of us :)))

**Basira Hussain:** Thanks 

**Basira Hussain:** This should be interesting, at least

**stonks:** oh we can sure promise interesting

\---

4:28 P.M.

**stonks:** lads lads lads guess what

**ghost stabber:** oh no

**stonks:** there are 6 of us now

**stonks:** assistants i mean

**stonks:** the number has doubled

**stonks:** d o u b l e d

**ghost stabber:** so?

**stonks:** so, its easily divisible by 2

**stonks:** what im saying is

**stonks:** new 3 vs old 3 beer pong

**sash:** tim no

**daisy:** tim yes

**ghost stabber:** tim yes

**marto kart:** Omg

**stonks:** tim yes!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has some relatively Big convos that I'm hyped to write...   
> Thanks again everyone for reading / kudosing / commenting! Love you all <33


	10. my boss is a monster and i love him So Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long and kinda heavy one but some important conversations needed to be had. Regular shenanigans will resume next chapter!

Tuesday, 4:31 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie, I’m in trouble

**Georgie Barker:** genuine trouble or you being dramatic bc you’ve had one (1) soft emotion trouble?

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie. please.

**Georgie Barker:** look you can’t say you haven’t given me reason enough to ask

**Georgie Barker:** you literally spent an entire day a few weekends ago thinking you’d die of shame bc you sung hozier at martin

**Jonathan Sims:** ...

**Jonathan Sims:** okay, so your reaction might be justified.

**Jonathan Sims:** but please, this is important

**Georgie Barker:** okay okay, i’m serious now

**Georgie Barker:** got my serious face on and all

**Georgie Barker:** what’s up, jon?

**Jonathan Sims:** you have to promise that you’ll take me seriously. and that you won’t 

**Jonathan Sims:** I don’t know

**Jonathan Sims:** hate me for it. or think I’m dangerous. or not believe me

**Jonathan Sims:** because I don’t know exactly what’s happening, but I know that it is happening, and it can’t be good.

**Jonathan Sims:** you’re the only person I can talk to about this.

**Georgie Barker:** jon, you’re worrying me now

**Georgie Barker:** is everything okay? what’s wrong?

**Jonathan Sims:** I think I’m turning into a monster.

\---

_ “literal ghost hunt uk” _

**stonks:** lads its time to compile all our research

**stonks:** daisy basira u guys are off the hook bc u literally didnt know abt it

**stonks:** but smth is very up with the bossman and now is the time to get on it

**stonks:** he just came up to me

**stonks:** gave me this really searching look

**stonks:** and was like

**stonks:** “tim ill pass any statements that involve the circus on to u but pls be careful”

**stonks:** all i cld do was just stare at him go “uhhh okay thanks?”

**stonks:** what the fuck what the fuck 

**sash:** okay i swear to god i didn’t tell him about that, it was in confidence

**stonks:** yea i know thats the point

**Basira Hussain:** ??

**sash:** it’s complicated and it’s not my place to tell

**stonks:** fuck were all going out and im getting very Very drunk and telling yall about it

**stonks:** but long story short my bro got mixed up with some creepy circus thing and well

**stonks:** :/

**stonks:** its why i joined the institute

**stonks:** to see if i could find out what actually happened to him

**marto kart:** Shit tim im so so sorry <333

**ghost stabber:** fuck me too tim

**Basira Hussain:** Yeah. Me too, I’m sorry for asking if it made you uncomfortable

**daisy:** jesus fuck that’s awful

**stonks:** thanks guys

**stonks:** ive seen ppl about it so its not like im Fine with it but now its like

**stonks:** less shit

**stonks:** putting that to one side tho bc thats not the point

**stonks:** the bossman somehow knew 

**stonks:** not in a judgey way, he actually seemed kinda concerned?

**stonks:** christ thats such a him thing, trying to make me feel better by giving me extra work

**stonks:** but he knew about it so again i ask

**stonks:** what the Fuck

**sash:** i’ve been keeping all my research in a word doc hang on let me send it

**marto kart:** Oh lol im keeping a spreadsheet, if you send it to me ill add it all

**sash:** fab

**sash:** jonsweirdnesslog.docx

**marto kart:** Sasha thats so great

**stonks:** o yea heres my stuff

**stonks:** it gets a bit conjectural bc i found some stuff on a research dive 

**stonks:** bossman+smirkes14.docx

**sash:** omg tim i forgot how much of an architecture nerd you are

**sash:** this is actually so well researched omg

**stonks:** did u doubt me babe???

**stonks:** christ i came to the archives from research

**stonks:** im not just here for my frankly phenomenal charm

**ghost stabber:** what charm

**ghost stabber:** jk anyway here’s mine

**ghost stabber:** nowhere near as comprehensive as u guys’ but to be fair i’ve only been here for a couple of weeks

**ghost stabber:** bigspooky.docx

**daisy:** @Basira what. the fuck.

**Basira Hussain:** I’m just waiting for the spreadsheet and hopefully it’ll explain it all

**marto kart:** @Basira ive just compiled it all! Yeah i hope thisll be a bit helpful :)))

**marto kart:** sims spookiness spreadsheet.xls

**sash:** love the alliteration

**marto kart:** Haha thanks :))

**Basira Hussain:** This... wow. It’s very comprehensive

**marto kart:** Cheers!!

**marto kart:** Credit for the division of spookiness stuff has to go to tim, whered you find all that?

**stonks:** yea so theres this really cool architect robert smirke

**stonks:** when i was researching i found these notes of his that had been compiled? and bc it was from him ofc i read it even tho it wasnt obviously relevant

**Basira Hussain:** I think we can say that it is relevant, to a degree

**sash:** yeah holy shit

**sash:** you’ve set it out really nicely tho martin, the connections are really easy to follow

**daisy:** .

**daisy:** maybe you haven’t experienced this working here and all

**daisy:** but he

**daisy:** i gave a statement. i didn’t mean to, but i did

**daisy:** and after that, i kept dreaming about what had happened. and he was there in the dream

**ghost stabber:** holy shit 

**ghost stabber:** that happened to me too a bit

**ghost stabber:** what the fuck

**ghost stabber:** did it stop after you started working here too?

**daisy:** yeah

**Basira Hussain:** @daisy I can see your hands flexing

**Basira Hussain:** You don’t need to do whatever you’re thinking of doing.

**daisy:** el*as hired me for one job, basira

**marto kart:** Whoa whoa whoa!!!

**sash:** daisy no!

**stonks:** jesus fucking christ hes fuckin weird but i dont think he needs Dealing With

**marto kart:** No daisy i really think he doesnt know hes doing it

**marto kart:** Look at the spreadsheet!!! I think whatever is happening wasnt up to him, and i think if he knew hed feel really bad about it!!!!

**daisy:** .

**daisy:** okay

**daisy:** fine i can see that

**daisy:** but still.

**marto kart:** Thank you!!!

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** ...

**Georgie Barker:** right

**Georgie Barker:** that’s a heavy one

**Georgie Barker:** normally i’d go “what the actual fuck” but i know where you work, and who your boss is, so i can’t rule it out

**Georgie Barker:** i am gonna need a bit more info on that tho

**Jonathan Sims:** I think one of the... powers, I suppose, that we get statements about, is somehow affecting me

**Jonathan Sims:** you know about Elias, and our theory that he’s aligned with the fear power of being watched, or something similar?

**Georgie Barker:** as tested by the great cake trials? yeah i remember that all too well

**Georgie Barker:** mmm i got so much leftover cake out of that

**Georgie Barker:** good times

**Jonathan Sims:** well, I think it’s claimed me as well

**Georgie Barker:** that makes sense i guess? it might be something to do with the institute

**Georgie Barker:** but what’s making you think that?

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m knowing things that I shouldn’t. personal things, private things, about the people I work with. the people who give statements. people I pass on the street, even. I just know these things, and I have no idea where that knowledge comes from.

**Jonathan Sims:** and it seems like... I can compel people? to give statements

**Jonathan Sims:** oh. and on that note. I think I’m somehow feeding off the statements? christ that’s such a bad way of putting it. but I get almost withdrawal symptoms when I haven’t read a statement for a while, and that cannot be good

**Jonathan Sims:** and... I’ve been having dreams about the statements I take. and they’re not my dreams, I think. it feels like the dreams of the people who had the encounters, like they’re reliving their trauma 

**Jonathan Sims:** and I have to watch it.

**Georgie Barker:** okay, all of that’s not great, but not as bad as i was expecting

**Georgie Barker:** the thing i’m not keen on is the dreams thing, but is there anything you can do in the dreams? or can you contact them somehow and let them know it’s a normal part of the process?

**Jonathan Sims:** that’s... not a bad idea actually

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you.

**Georgie:** for what?

**Jonathan Sims:** ...I mean, you believe me? and you’re not scared?

**Georgie Barker:** jon, i’ve known you since uni

**Georgie Barker:** spooky knowing is like the most you monster power ever

**Georgie Barker:** honestly tho i don’t think you need to worry that much about it bc you’re so fuckin awkwardly upper-middle-class polite when it comes to things like that

**Georgie Barker:** i mean, you’re also a rude arsehole, but only in the sense of insulting people and not going out and being actually friendly

**Georgie Barker:** you’re too awkward to flat-out ask people personal questions

**Jonathan Sims:** ...thanks, I think?

**Jonathan Sims:** you’re taking this remarkably in stride, I must say

**Georgie Barker:** you’d rather i denounce you or whatever? or run away screaming?

**Jonathan Sims:** well, no

**Georgie Barker:** there ya have it :)

**Georgie Barker:** besides, i keep telling you that i literally cannot feel fear

**Jonathan Sims:** yes, but I know you’re prone to exaggeration

**Georgie Barker:** love this is 100% real

**Georgie Barker:** ...and it actually might be related to one of your institute’s big spooky things 

**Georgie Barker:** i probably should tell you about it actually, even if you are gonna pop up in my dreams lol

**Georgie Barker:** tho you spend so much time creepily lurking whenever you come to my flat, having you creepily lurk in my dreams won’t be too much of a difference :)

**Georgie Barker:** but fuck it i’m not doing this over chat

**Georgie Barker:** come round to mine? you sound like you need wine and love from the admiral

**Jonathan Sims:** christ that sounds exactly like what I need

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Georgie

**Georgie Barker:** fab, come round when you’re finished work

**Georgie Barker:** i gotta ask tho

**Georgie Barker:** why are you telling me this? and not your coworkers who

**Georgie Barker:** ya know

**Georgie Barker:** actually deal with big spooky as much as you do

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie, you don’t understand how much I cannot do that

**Jonathan Sims:** they’re noticing I’m getting... strange

**Jonathan Sims:** I don’t want them to be worried that I’m going to eat their secrets, or something

**Jonathan Sims:** Daisy would probably shoot me

**Georgie Barker:** jon you have to understand how dumb that sounds

**Georgie Barker:** your coworkers actually like you and would probably want to help

**Georgie Barker:** you should at least tell martin???? i guarantee he would do everything he possibly could to help you

**Jonathan Sims:** he’s the person I can’t tell most of all! Georgie! 

**Jonathan Sims:** he’s already concerned, and he’s keeping a note of all the times I’ve been unintentionally ominous! I can’t let him know that I’m claimed by some dread power, I don’t want him to be scared of me!

**Georgie Barker:** ohhhh

**Georgie Barker:** you poor bastard

**Georgie Barker:** wine, cat, my place. you might be spooky now but you’re also pining and my mate

**Georgie Barker:** the day you don’t care about the admiral is the day i’ll be worried about you

**Jonathan Sims:** I will always care about the Admiral. literally Always

**Georgie Barker:** and there we have it :)

\---

_ “literal ghost hunt uk” _

**daisy:** okay so after tea and time to properly think about it

**daisy:** he’s safe but i’m still going to be on my guard.

**Basira Hussain:** That’s all we can ask

**ghost stabber:** shoutout to martin for the tea and basira for talking daisy down

**stonks:** that was like a masterclass in hostage negotiation or smth omg

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_bomb defuser_ **

**bomb defuser:** Oh neat, I’ll take that

**daisy:** are you saying i’m a bomb, stoker?

**stonks:** ...

**daisy:** bc i am in fact

**daisy:** *the* bomb

**bomb defuser:** Nice one

**bomb defuser:** Can confirm, she is the bomb

**marto kart:** For anyone who didnt see, basira and daisy just high fived

**stonks:** ahahaha holy fucking shit omg

**stonks:** i nearly shat myself

**sash:** yup tim was on the verge of bolting

**stonks:** thanks for preserving my dignity babe

**sash:** what dignity?

**stonks:** yea fair enough

**marto kart:** But seriously guys what are we gonna do about jon???

**marto kart:** We have to help him

**sash:** 100%

**stonks:** yea itd be a real shame if i got to genuinely like him and he got eaten by the el*as spooky

**stonks:** the eye i guess

**ghost stabber:** as much as i hate to admit it i’m in the same boat as tim

**bomb defuser:** On principle I’m in

**daisy:** if she’s in i’m in

**daisy:** and i guess that one less monster is one less monster

**ghost stabber:** cool, but what do we do tho?

**marto kart:** We have to be careful about it bc its jon

**marto kart:** Hes been good about it when we bring it up but im not sure he realises how much hes doing it

**marto kart:** And we all know what hes like

**marto kart:** He wont want to hear hes going spooky, nobody would, so if he can avoid talking about it he will

**marto kart:** But we still absolutely have to help him!!

**stonks:** wait i have an idea

**stonks:** what abt an intervention?

**sash:** i’m not sure that’s the best idea?

**stonks:** look if yall can have an intervention for me bc i put googly eyes on all the cardboard boxes in the archives we can have an intervention for the boss if hes putting his googly eyes in our heads

**ghost stabber:** well that sure is a way of putting it

**marto kart:** You know it actually might work???

**marto kart:** If we all make a go of it?? Show a united front, tell him whats going on and tell him were here to support him

**bomb defuser:** Put it in a text if you think he’ll walk out of an actual conversation

**daisy:** yeah and that way we’ll know exactly when he reads it

**daisy:** he’s not getting out of this

**sash:** ah shit yeah sure

**marto kart:** Tomorrow? I dont think we can leave this much later

**daisy:** tomorrow.

\---

Wednesday, 9:03 A.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** now, we agreed you’re going to tell them today?

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s still a very bad idea.

**Georgie Barker:** i can still take away your cat privileges

**Georgie Barker:** all the spooky in the world cannot stop me

**Jonathan Sims:** why are you like this

**Georgie Barker:** oh imagine if i wasn’t :P

**Georgie Barker:** now, you’re going to tell them????

**Jonathan Sims:** hm.

**Jonathan Sims:** I suppose.

**Georgie Barker:** good

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m opening up the chat now

**Georgie Barker:** let me know how it goes, okay?

**Georgie Barker:** good luck <3

**Jonathan Sims:** thanks

**Jonathan Sims:** wait, Martin is typing?

\---

_ “work chat with our official legal names” _

**house martin blackwood:** Jon im sorry but this is an intervention

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “spooky intervention” _

**house martin blackwood:** Uh thanks tim?? I guess

**timetable stoker:** np

**rubber johnny sims:** what’s going on?

**house martin blackwood:** Were doing this over text so you cant run away from it

**house martin blackwood:** Were actually really worried about you

**house martin blackwood:** Were not sure if youve noticed it but youre being really spooky, weve brought it up a couple of times and youve always been surprised

**house martin blackwood:** So weve made a spreadsheet actually

**house martin blackwood:** But in short youve been:

**house martin blackwood:** * Knowing personal things you have absolutely no right to know about, and not knowing how you know them

**house martin blackwood:** * Somehow making people answer direct questions

**house martin blackwood:** * Sometimes just saying really weird and creepy things?? Like you have some kind of Eldritch Power that occasionally just manifests

**house martin blackwood:** * And apparently you can lurk in peoples dreams??? Im not sure I get that one but daisy and melanie both swear youve done it so im not going to contradict them

**rubber johnny sims:** ...ah. yes.

**house martin blackwood:** Now i know you might find it hard to come to terms with this but we all want you to know that were here for you

**house martin blackwood:** Wait what

**house martin blackwood:** You already know?

**rubber johnny sims:** um. yes. I’ve been spending the last little while panicking about it, actually.

**watermelon king:** well isn’t that just typical

**watermelon king:** we had a whole group speech planned out and everything

**rubber johnny sims:** I’m sorry to spoil your plans?

**rubber johnny sims:** I was actually going to talk to you all about it today but you beat me to the punch

**sash window james:** i’m assuming this was georgie’s idea?

**timetable stoker:** ofc it was, since when does the bossman ever talk abt his feelings voluntarily

**rubber johnny sims:** ...yes it was

**sash window james:** love her

**house martin blackwood:** Okay!! This is good!!

**house martin blackwood:** Jon im so glad you felt comfortable to want to share this :)))

**house martin blackwood:** I mean georgie probably threatened you but its still a good step :))

**rubber johnny sims:** so what do I do about it?

**rubber johnny sims:** I don’t want to unload my problems onto you, but I just don’t know what to do

**rubber johnny sims:** the fact you all haven’t run away screaming is a good sign, though

**watermelon king:** i mean we literally can’t leave

**rubber johnny sims:** ah. there is that.

**watermelon king:** ...but i guess even if we could we wouldn’t

**watermelon king:** it doesn’t feel right to abandon u to el*as

**rubber johnny sims:** thank you, Melanie

**rubber johnny sims:** that’s... actually very helpful

**rubber johnny sims:** so you all think it is the same kind of Weird that El*as has?

**timetable stoker:** yea i found these notes from robert smirke? u know, the architect?

**timetable stoker:** marto send him ur spreadsheet, it sets it out so nicely

**house martin blackwood:** Oh good idea tim :))

**house martin blackwood:** sims spookiness spreadsheet.xls

**rubber johnny sims:** oh

**rubber johnny sims:** this is

**rubber johnny sims:** firstly, it’s a very comprehensive spreadsheet

**house martin blackwood:** Thanks jon!!

**rubber johnny sims:** secondly, Daisy, Melanie, I’m very sorry about what I did

**rubber johnny sims:** the dreams aren’t something I can control, but I’m trying to work on making that better. it doesn’t matter for you, now you work in the archives, but it still happened. and for what it represents about the other people I’ve taken statements from, I need to do something about it

**rubber johnny sims:** and Daisy, even though I didn’t know I was compelling you, it still wasn’t right that I did it, and I’m sorry

**Alice Band Tonner:** yeah look it wasn’t great

**Alice Band Tonner:** but i can recognise it wasn’t malicious

**Alice Band Tonner:** i’m having to work on issues of my own so i can relate, to an extent. but you still have to try and control it.

**rubber johnny sims:** I will.

**Alice Band Tonner:** good

**rubber johnny sims:** christ this is hard to say but

**rubber johnny sims:** I’d like you all to help me keep an eye on this, pun not intended

**rubber johnny sims:** I’m trying to control it, and I’m working on figuring out the differences in knowing things and Knowing things. I’m also working on not asking direct questions about things. also, something you don’t have in your spreadsheet is that I seem to need statements, as if I feed on them somehow? so far reading and recording the written statements seems to be enough, but it’s something you should be aware of.

**rubber johnny sims:** I’m not sure what I’m becoming

**rubber johnny sims:** but I need people around me who I can trust

**rubber johnny sims:** to not want to shoot me, but also to keep me anchored, I suppose. to humanity.

**house martin blackwood:** I think I can say for all of us that were here for you, jon

**sash window james:** seconded

**timetable stoker:** weve got u boss

**watermelon king:** on my part i might want to stab u at times, but it’s bc u’re a dick sometimes, not bc u’re spooky

**basingstoke hussain:** Yeah we’ll watch your back, Jon, me and Daisy both

**rubber johnny sims:** thank you. all of you, thank you

**basingstoke hussain:** The real person we need to be focusing on is El*as, though

**basingstoke hussain:** If you’re both tied to the same kind of weird, it’s not implausible to think that he’s behind it, somehow. I mean, he’s hired all of us, for some pretty opaque reasons

**basingstoke hussain:** Plus I hate to say it, but he has vibes

**rubber johnny sims:** good point. el*as merits watching.

**sash window james:** i’m on it

**watermelon king:** ohhhh boy me too

**watermelon king:** any excuse to get stabby

**house martin blackwood:** Okay i think??? We have everything sorted that we need to????

**house martin blackwood:** Thank you for actually listening and being a part of this, jon, i appreciate you not shutting it down

**rubber johnny sims:** no. thank you all for being so decent about this

**rubber johnny sims:** I’m. well. I’m not great at sharing things, as Georgie sees fit to constantly remind me

**rubber johnny sims:** all of you, and Georgie, make it easier.

**rubber johnny sims:** so thank you.

**house martin blackwood:** :)))

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “my boss is a monster and i love him So Much” _

**sash window james:** a+ john mulaney use babe

**timetable stoker:** i do my best babe

\---

9:49 A.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie I’m in trouble again

**Georgie Barker:** shit

**Georgie Barker:** did it not go well with your coworkers?

**Georgie Barker:** or have you gone full spooky?

**Georgie Barker:** fuck tell me what i need to do

**Jonathan Sims:** ...no it’s the other kind of trouble

**Georgie Barker:** :o

**Georgie Barker:** omg tell me everything

**Jonathan Sims:** ...I confessed everything. or. well. they may have trapped me in an intervention first

**Jonathan Sims:** they noticed more than I gave them credit for

**Georgie Barker:** or you’re just shit at hiding things

**Jonathan Sims:** do you want to hear about this or not?

**Georgie Barker:** fineee my metaphorical lips are sealed

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you.

**Jonathan Sims:** long story short they took it well, even daisy, and they’re accepting me as some kind of... well, whatever this is. me plus spooky.

**Jonathan Sims:** and we’re going to work together to see what good we can get from it. keep me from being like Elias

**Georgie Barker:** that’s great! jon, that’s properly great! :)

**Georgie Barker:** so where’s the trouble? are you just not dealing well with having a whole 7 friends?

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s not that

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s that. after the “intervention”

**Jonathan Sims:** which was done over text because apparently they didn’t trust me to not walk out on them

**Georgie Barker:** they know you so well

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin came into my office

**Jonathan Sims:** with tea

**Jonathan Sims:** and he said he’d always be around to support me, if I wanted it, and he smiled at me in that Martin way, and his hand was on the mug and my hand was on the mug

**Jonathan Sims:** well. I put the mug down, because I have papers in my office that I absolutely cannot spill drinks on

**Georgie Barker:** jon you’re stalling

**Jonathan Sims:** in short.

**Jonathan Sims:** we ended up holding hands. for a while.

**Georgie Barker:** <33333

**Georgie Barker:** ahh love that’s a start! that’s such a start!

**Georgie Barker:** i’m so proud of you <33

**Jonathan Sims:** there’s no need to be so enthusiastic about it. no matter my feelings, he was just offering comfort, because I’m not entirely human anymore.

**Jonathan Sims:** it was a pity hand-hold.

**Georgie Barker:** bzzt there goes the bullshit buzzer

**Georgie Barker:** jon. you’re happy, and you’re trying to convince yourself you’re not

**Georgie Barker:** let yourself be happy

**Jonathan Sims:** ...maybe I am happy

**Jonathan Sims:** fuck Georgie Martin held my hand and I felt so human

**Jonathan Sims:** I don’t know what I am at the moment but christ he grounds me so much

**Georgie Barker:** atta boy <3

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Georgie Barker:** so i’ve just been talking to jon

**Sasha James:** oh dw we were all (discreetly) snooping at his office door

**Sasha James:** they didn’t notice

**Sasha James:** managed to get this

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a grainy, zoomed-in photo of Jon and Martin sitting at Jon’s desk. Martin’s hand is on Jon’s, and they both have their eyes shut, looking content just being in each other’s presence.]

**Georgie Barker:** omg

**Timothy Stoker:** plus marto came walking out with the softest smile

**Melanie King:** truly fuckin sickening but if anyone deserves it i guess it’s him

**Melanie King:** and as much as i don’t want to care about jon i think it’ll be good for him

**Georgie Barker:** i love

**Sasha James:** operation wasteland is still a go but at least they’re taking the first steps themselves

**Georgie Barker:** thank fucking christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decent communication? In my archives? It's more likely than you think!  
> The Big Spooky elephant in the room needed to be addressed at some point, so 10 chapters in, here it is! Don't worry, Jon is gonna be fine, this just opens the door to me playing Jon-as-spooky-google for laughs in future chapters :) There will be No apocalypse in this fic I promise :)  
> Plus there's some good old-fashioned jonmartin fluff at the end so I hope it makes the very talky chapter worth the read :))


	11. spitty tea squad aka future beer pong CHAMPIONS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sash window james:** uh oh  
>  **sash window james:** fair warning all  
>  **sash window james:** today is gonna be a Day  
>  **house martin blackwood:** Whats up sasha?  
>  **timetable stoker:** fuckhands mcmike again?  
>  **sash window james:** unfortunately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not endorse Tim's food crimes in this chapter  
> There is glitch text in this chapter! Transcript in the end notes :)

Wednesday, 11:53 A.M.

_“literal ghost hunt uk”_

**stonks:** so were all still on for beer pong after work on fri?

 **stonks:** im calling it team bonding so i can put the beer on the institute card and if u dont like that mr bitchard u can eat my entire arse

 **daisy:** fuck yes

 **bomb defuser:** You are aware I don’t drink, right

 **stonks:** ohhh shit sorry yea i should have realised

 **stonks:** dammit the teams are gonna be lopsided

 **bomb defuser:** Oh no that doesn’t mean I won’t be playing, it’s a warning to tell you how much we’re going to obliterate you

 **daisy:** oh Fuck Yes

 **daisy:** we’ve got you beat, stoker

 **daisy:** the challenge has been set and there’s no backing out now

 **stonks:** shit i may have miscalculated

 **ghost stabber:** that is 100% your problem

 **sash:** tim how did you not realise that basira + daisy + melanie are the three most competitive people in existence omg

stonks: yea i believe i have fucked up but also im the reigning beer pong champ so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **sash:** also babe the table in the breakroom isn’t long enough?

 **stonks:** oh yea i was gonna go down to artefact storage and see if we could use the cursed table

 **marto kart:** Is that safe???

 **stonks:** idk

 **stonks:** but the Thing that was in the table is now in the tunnels so i guess were fine maybe?

 **marto kart:** Christ tim you have to understand how bad that sounds

 **stonks:** hang on let me ask spooky google

\---

_“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”_

**timetable stoker:** hey boss is the cursed table in artefact storage still cursed?

 **rubber johnny sims:** the Web table?

 **timetable stoker:** guess so

 **rubber johnny sims:** hmm.

 **rubber johnny sims:** the entity that was bound to the table has been released, but the table itself is still an artefact of the Web. I’ll admit that I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I wouldn’t look too closely at it if I were you

 **rubber johnny sims:** remember what happened to Graham Folger

 **rubber johnny sims:** why do you ask?

 **timetable stoker:** we were gonna play beer pong on it after work on friday

 **rubber johnny sims:** Tim, that’s a terrible idea.

 **house martin blackwood:** Thank you jon!! See, tim???

 **timetable stoker:** boooo boss ur no fun

 **rubber johnny sims:** my job isn’t to be fun.

 **timetable stoker:** no ur job is to be spooky google and i love that

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_spooky google_ **

**timetable stoker:** omg what about

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_spoogle_ **

**watermelon king:** nope i do Not like that

 **sash window james:** tim.

 **timetable stoker:** oh no

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_Jon_ **

**timetable stoker:** yea look thats fair enough

 **timetable stoker:** didnt think that one through

 **Jon:** that you didn’t.

 **timetable stoker:** still 

**timetable stoker:** im sorry but i cant deal with normal names in this chat

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_monsterboss_ **

**house martin blackwood:** Tim please ://

 **house martin blackwood:** Jon is that okay?

 **monsterboss:** it’s a lot better than some of the other nicknames I’ve had in this chat

 **monsterboss:** it’s accurate, at least.

 **house martin blackwood:** Oh okay good :)))

 **timetable stoker:** anyway u didnt answer my real q tho

 **timetable stoker:** where should we play beer pong?

 **timetable stoker:** the cursed table was just so perfect

 **basingstoke hussain:** Why can’t we just put a cover over it?

 **timetable stoker:** holy shit

 **timetable stoker:** basira i could kiss u if daisy wouldnt murk me for it

 **house martin blackwood:** Jon would that work?

 **monsterboss:** ...as far as I’m aware, that would be fine

 **timetable stoker:** yesssssssss

 **Alice Band Tonner:** fuck yes bring it stoker

 **monsterboss:** oh now I have regrets

\---

Friday, 8:48 A.M.

_“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”_

**sash window james:** uh oh

 **sash window james:** fair warning all

 **sash window james:** today is gonna be a Day

 **house martin blackwood:** Whats up sasha?

 **timetable stoker:** fuckhands mcmike again?

 **sash window james:** unfortunately

 **sash window james:** he was lurking when i got off the tube so i guess he’ll be hanging around :/

 **house martin blackwood:** Ah no sash :(((

 **basingstoke hussain:** Who?

 **sash window james:** michael the distortion entity person thing

 **timetable stoker:** hes got fuckin massive knife hands

 **timetable stoker:** hence the name

 **timetable stoker:** hes also got a weird laugh and a thing for our sash

 **sash window james:** tim shut the fuck up he does Not

 **monsterboss:** if I may interject.

 **monsterboss:** you said he didn’t care if the rest of us lived or died, but he told you that he wanted to be friends.

 **monsterboss:** I have you saying that on tape, Sasha

 **sash window james:** fuck

 **timetable stoker:** love u boss 

**timetable stoker:** a class act, theydies and gentlethem

 **timetable stoker:** says 0 in the chat for days then comes back to drop that one

 **monsterboss:** I do my best

 **house martin blackwood:** :)))

 **monsterboss:** ah yes I’ve just gone in and there appears to be a second breakroom door

 **monsterboss:** you all know the rules, I assume

 **basingstoke hussain:** Don’t touch the door?

 **basingstoke hussain:** We’re not stupid, Jon.

 **monsterboss:** I’ve learnt it’s wisest to take precautions. he stabbed me once.

 **watermelon king:** omg i need to meet this guy and shake him by the hand

 **sash window james:** trust me melanie you do Not

\---

10:35 A.M.

 **house martin blackwood:** Went to put the kettle on and it looks like the doors gone guys :))

 **house martin blackwood:** Not quite sure if thats a good sign or a bad one but hopefully hes just got bored and moved on

 **sash window james:** thanks for the update!

 **house martin blackwood:** Anyway the kettles on if anyone wants to come through for a cuppa :)))

 **sash window james:** oh cheers!

\---

1:09 P.M.

 **watermelon king:** okay so i went to tesco to get some pot noodle bc Someone stole my last one out of the kitchen cupboard 

**watermelon king:** (and when i find out who that was they will pay for their crimes)

 **watermelon king:** (i’m not mad enough about it to get jon to Know but be warned if it happens again i will not hesitate)

 **timetable stoker:** melanie babe u earn an actual salary

 **timetable stoker:** u can afford actual food that tastes of food, not just salt and student poverty

 **watermelon king:** don't judge me, sometimes only pot noodle hits the spot

 **watermelon king:** actually u of all people cannot judge me bc i have seen u dip chips in yoghurt and enjoy it u fucking heathen

 **timetable stoker:** that was One time

 **sash window james:** oh babe we both know it wasn’t

 **timetable stoker:** okay maybe i cant deny that but i can at least ignore it

 **sash window james:** jon, what's the real count on tim's heinous attitude towards food? 

**monsterboss:** he's done it 11 times in the archives.

 **monsterboss:** christ, Tim

 **monsterboss:** of all the pieces of information I’ve been able to Know, that’s the one I regret the most.

 **timetable stoker:** bosssssss :(

 **timetable stoker:** thats workplace bullying im p sure

 **Alice Band Tonner:** ew stoker what the fuck

 **timetable stoker:** look its the combo of sweet and salty and hot and cold and crunchy and smooth?? its a transcendent experience and its not my fault if none of u are on my level

 **basingstoke hussain:** Nope that’s still disgusting

 **watermelon king:** agreed but aNyWaY tim’s food crimes are not the point

 **watermelon king:** the point is that even tho the door is gone, there was a blonde dude lurking outside when i left and he was still there when i came back

 **watermelon king:** and he looked normal enough but he just had massively creepy Vibes

 **watermelon king:** is that

 **sash window james:** yup :/

 **Alice Band Tonner:** right.

 **Alice Band Tonner:** i'll be back in a minute

\---

1:16 P.M.

 **house martin blackwood:** Im at reception picking something up from rosie and uh

 **house martin blackwood:** Did i just hear daisy go out and yell "oi piss off you blonde fuck" at michael????

 **timetable stoker:** if u have to ask u already know the answer

 **house martin blackwood:** Omg what an icon

 **basingstoke hussain:** Did it work, Daisy?

 **Alice Band Tonner:** no

 **Alice Band Tonner:** he just smiled at me and seemed to loiter even more creepily

 **Alice Band Tonner:** if i was still police i’d arrest him for malicious loitering

 **Alice Band Tonner:** probably wouldn’t do anything but it’d make me feel better

 **Alice Band Tonner:** i wanted to punch him but even i could tell that would have been a bad idea

 **Alice Band Tonner:** he seemed... sharp

 **sash window james:** good call

 **sash window james:** funnily enough he is sharp! you can’t see it to look at him straight on, usually, but if you see him in a reflection or something, tim wasn’t exaggerating! his hands are literally sharp and massive!

 **Alice Band Tonner:** cool

 **Alice Band Tonner:** still reckon i could take him though

 **basingstoke hussain:** Dais I don't doubt you but also please don't do that

 **Alice Band Tonner:** killjoy

\---

2:57 P.M.

_____  
| |  
| o |  
| |  
|_____|

\---

3:06 P.M.

 **Alice Band Tonner:** what the fuck is that

 **watermelon king:** looks like a door

 **Alice Band Tonner:** no shit

 **watermelon king:** okay then, clarification:

 **watermelon king:** it's a shitty typed-out door

 **bomb defuser:** Hmm it moves with my screen when I scroll?

 **sash window james:** oh fuck

 **sash window james:** nobody click it i'm dead serious

 **basingstoke hussain:** Fuckhands McMike I presume? 

**timetable stoker:** got it in one

 **house martin blackwood:** Hes never done this before which is Concerning

 **watermelon king:** seriously tho isn't there a door emoji?

 **watermelon king:** legit who the fuck types these things out anymore this isn't a fuckin early 2010s youtube comment section

🚪

 **watermelon king:** uh yep that’s it

 **house martin blackwood:** This is uh

 **house martin blackwood:** Very not good

 **monsterboss:** it’s clearly able to hear this conversation. I’d suggest you move into one of your other group chats as a precaution

 **house martin blackwood:** Good idea jon!!

\---

_“literal ghost hunt uk”_

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _renamed the group “No creepy doors allowed”_

 **stonks:** okay well lets ignore the bossman Knowing about the other chats

 **marto kart:** Agreed

 **marto kart:** So... what do we do?

 **marto kart:** Apart from obviously not engage with it

 **sash:** that’s probably the best option

 **sash:** he’ll get bored eventually

 **bomb defuser:** That normally how it works?

 **sash:** yeah

 **bomb defuser:** So it’s back to business as usual, then?

 **stonks:** probs

 **stonks:** hang on let me put on my jon voice

 **stonks:** even though there is a spooky spiral man lurking outside, I expect you to get on with your regular archives work. I will be muting this chat so I can record statements without distraction. om nom nom spooky statement lunch.

 **ghost stabber:** omg uncanny

 **stonks:** thx

 **sash:** we probably should get back to work though

 **stonks:** ew

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Sasha James_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_substitute boss_ **

**substitute boss:** glad you recognise my ultimate authority, timbo :)

\---

3:45 P.M.

 **ghost stabber:** ugh i'm bored

 **ghost stabber:** is the door still there in the other chat?

\---

_“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”_

🚪

\---

_“No creepy doors allowed”_

**bomb defuser:** Yep

 **substitute boss:** ugh

 **bomb defuser:** I mean the most practical solution would be for you to tell him to leave, Sasha

 **bomb defuser:** You said he listens to you, right?

 **substitute boss:** hell no i’m not interacting with him any more than is absolutely necessary

 **stonks:** babe pls for all our sakes

 **substitute boss:** besides he might have dug a worm out of my shoulder but that doesn't mean he listens to me

 **marto kart:** Fuck worms

 **ghost stabber:** fuck worms

 **bomb defuser:** Fuck worms

 **daisy:** fuck worms

 **stonks:** fuck worms 

**substitute boss:** fuck worms forever and ever amen

 **stonks:** anyway i cant deal with anymore statement followup so im off to spend bitchards money on booze

 **stonks:** back in 15

\---

3:51 P.M.

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _added_ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _and_ **_Sasha James_ ** _to the group_

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “spitty tea squad aka future beer pong CHAMPIONS”_

 **Sasha James:** oh no

 **Timothy Stoker:** no shut up ive had the best idea

 **Timothy Stoker:** sash ur gonna hate it but its the best way we can win

 **Martin Blackwood:** Go on...?

 **Timothy Stoker:** okay so u know how basira doesnt drink

 **Timothy Stoker:** which is massively unfair for beer pong and shes not gonna bow out

 **Timothy Stoker:** theres a v familiar blonde figure who is Still hanging round the institute who just so coincidentally happens to fuck u up as part of his whole deal

 **Sasha James:** i don’t like where this is heading

 **Timothy Stoker:** can u get him to come along?

 **Sasha James:** uhhhhh let me think about that one

 **Sasha James:** Fuck No

 **Timothy Stoker:** pleaseeeee sash ill do anything

 **Martin Blackwood:** Tim you know thats a mistake omg

 **Timothy Stoker:** i dont care

 **Timothy Stoker:** we have to uphold the og archives gang honour

 **Sasha James:** hmmm

 **Sasha James:** anything?

 **Timothy Stoker:** anything.

 **Sasha James:** ...alright then

 **Sasha James:** i’m still not going out to talk to him tho, the others will get suspicious

🚪

 **Sasha James:** ah.

 **Sasha James:** well that solves that

 **Sasha James:** hang on let me check something first

\---

 **_Sasha James_ ** _to_ **_Basira Hussain_ **

**Sasha James:** heyyyy basira

 **Sasha James:** if, theoretically, we found something that temporarily mimics the effects of alcohol but without you having to consume it

 **Sasha James:** would you accept that as a substitute for beer in beer pong?

 **Basira Hussain:** I suppose...

 **Basira Hussain:** On personal grounds, it’s fine, but seeing as we’re changing the agreed rules of the contest, I’m going to have to check with my team

 **Sasha James:** hey the rules are already unfair if you don’t drink

 **Basira Hussain:** Yeah, but we’re competitive

 **Sasha James:** booo

 **Basira Hussain:** Okay, I’ve asked around and it’ll be fine

 **Basira Hussain:** We’ll still beat you anyway >:)

 **Sasha James:** oho we’ll see about that >:)

\---

_“spitty tea squad aka future beer pong CHAMPIONS”_

**Sasha James:** okay basira’s cool with it

 **Sasha James:** i’m gonna click it

 **Martin Blackwood:** Good luck!!!

🚪

 **Sasha James:** uh, hi?

h̸͈͐e̸̟͆l̷͚͌l̵̻̇ơ̴̙,̴̳̐ ̸̘̒s̴̼̎a̶̙̔ś̶̪ḣ̷̖a̶̤̍

 **Sasha James:** christ i’m already having regrets

ÿ̶͕́o̶̦̓ṷ̵̑ ̷̘̇c̸͍̉a̴̢̔m̷̬̅e̷̳͛ ̴̞͒t̴̻̑o̵̤̓ ̶̘̏m̸̳͝ẹ̶̛

 **Sasha James:** unfortunately, that i did

 **Sasha James:** as much as i hate to say it, we actually need your help

t̵̹̓h̸͖̐ė̴̤ ̴̜̆l̷͉̚ḭ̵̊t̸͎͊t̸̟͋l̵̪̎ë̸̖́ ̶́ͅa̶͂ͅȑ̷̫c̵͉̈́h̷̻͋i̶̪̾v̵̳͊i̴̘̊ṣ̵͠t̴̪̕s̴͖͛ ̸̜͌n̶̢̚e̸͓͘e̷̱͝d̶̮̒ ̴͍̈́ṃ̶̉ỹ̷͕ ̶̖̉h̸̭̀ȇ̷̪l̸̜̊p̵͍̓?̴̗̌ ̷̳͘h̴̠̀o̷̘͐w̶̛̩ ̸̻̓n̵͉̓o̵̦̕v̷͚̀ë̸͇́l̶͔̊!̸͙̑ ̵̠̓a̵̧̍ḧ̶͍́a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

 **Sasha James:** fuck tim i hope the beer pong is worth it

 **Timothy Stoker:** oh it will be i promise

b̵͇́e̵̞̳̒̃ḛ̷̌ͅr̵̩̺̔͐ ̵̭̱͐p̸̝̫͝ǫ̴̛n̴͉̹̚g̴̰͗?̵̼̄͘

 **Sasha James:** yeah, that’s why we need your help

 **Sasha James:** are you able to control your reality distortion powers? to mess with someone’s perception temporarily?

 **Sasha James:** without driving them completely mad, i mean

y̵͙̙̒̄e̷̢̱͝š̸͖̺

w̶̨̥̽̉ẖ̸͘y̶̠̲͆?̵̺̕

 **Sasha James:** because we’re going to play beer pong with the rest of the archives staff and one of the people on the other team doesn’t drink

 **Sasha James:** so we were hoping you could create the effect without the alcohol

i̷̱ ̷̯͒̕ͅc̷̠͇̚͝ȯ̸̦̲͘ư̸̟̽l̴͕͠d̴͉̋̀ ̵͈̊ḏ̵̡̈́̂ō̵͇ ̴̮͛t̵̞̔h̷̗̹̆ȁ̴͎t̴̯̂

b̷͇̜͛̉u̷̞̫͒t̶̨̬̊ ̴̪̠w̵̟̌h̵͍͉͗͆y̸̰̐ ̴̖̳͆͂s̸̳̆h̴͓̋ȯ̸̯u̷̗̓̚l̶̯͕̓d̴̡̲͘ ̷̯̙̃ǐ̸̹ ̸̡̓̂h̸͇͙͋̆e̸͕͇̒́l̶̮̱͘p̸͍͊̀ ̷̠̪͝y̴̰͈̽ọ̴̇͝ṵ̴̆̑?̴͇̟̃͛

 **Timothy Stoker:** bc u like us and want us to win at beer pong?

n̴̛̘̓o̵̯͂

 **Timothy Stoker:** hey i thought u have a thing for sash

n̴̛̘̓o̵̯͂

y̴̧̒̈o̸̳̦͋͊ú̴̪r̵͔̱̕e̸̩̔ ̸̺͑̑ẹ̴̣͑n̵͑͐͜t̶̨̥̓e̶̠͋r̷̞̲̔̚t̴̬̃â̵̬i̷̥͈̒ň̵̤̔i̸̥̕n̶͍̝̉̚g̶͙̝̽ ̸͚͇̀̚b̴̮͋u̴̫̓t̷̺͓̊ ̴̧̛̂t̵̖͋̿ͅh̵̟̳͒̿a̵̞̓t̷̟̂͜s̴͖̎̓ ̴̤̚ͅă̶̟̟l̵͕̉l̸̦̗̈́

h̶͖̏e̶̹͠ľ̸̙̚e̶͕̦͗n̷͇̈́ ̵̪͚̑d̴̹̙͑̈o̵͍͗͗e̶̘̊̑s̵͚̄,̶͍̌͠ ̴̦̓̋t̴̫͖͊h̸̻̳̆o̵͕u̵̘̼͌̐ģ̴̈͝h̵͍̏

 **Timothy Stoker:** well thats a development

 **Sasha James:** tim oh my god

a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

 **Timothy Stoker:** but arent u the same somehow?

 **Timothy Stoker:** i dont fuckin understand how u guys work

í̸̙̂ ̵̹̮̇a̸̖̔ͅm̵̼̭̆ ̸͖̯̍̒t̶̛ͅh̴̺͐e̷̬͌͒ ̶͔͎͂̐d̶͈͐̄ḭ̴̈́s̸̗̀͘t̶̞̃õ̷͈̘̑r̵͕͈͒̅t̶̩͊ĩ̶̮̥̈́o̶͠ͅn̵͇̆̐ ̷̳̊͝a̶̤̔͆n̶̫̑̈́d̶͍̲̈́͠ ̵̝̎h̷͈͎̿͠e̵̽ͅl̷͓̎è̴̱n̷͍͗ ̶͙̼͌i̶̤͎̅͋š̴̭ ̶̳̅ț̴̟h̷̜͔̿͘e̸̼̣̍ ̶̥̊d̴̟͝͠ḭ̵̓s̶̗͈͌̊t̶͚̱͋͝ö̸̙r̴͚̠͛t̴̳́̚i̶̲̖̍̆o̶̩̓n̸̝͂̓ ̷͖̾b̶̪̦̓ù̴͈͚t̸̯̚ ̶̝̣̓͒i̶̙͎ ̸̪͉̄͠ạ̷͂̽m̸̦͚͛͝ ̶̘͙͂n̴̗̼͐ỏ̵̧ͅt̴̡̹̕̕ ̴̥̔ẖ̷̨̏̓e̸̡̗̿̓l̴͇̫̂͋e̶̳̒ǹ̶̠

 **Timothy Stoker:** still dont understand it but thats cool i guess

 **Sasha James:** okay, but would you do it to get to know us better?

s̷͉̿t̷̹͚̕̚ĩ̵̯̈́l̵͙̮̿l̶̜̉̆ ̷̦̾͋n̷̳̽o̸̟̙̿

 **Martin Blackwood:** Or just because itll be fun?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well be getting off the shits drunk probably and thats always a good time :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Also itll probably piss off el*as so thats another plus :))

a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

h̸̫͍͋͌ṃ̷͝

a̶̝̔l̴̪̓͜r̴̡͓̐̕i̷̢̺̚g̶̯̼͒h̷͚̆t̸̲̓͠

 **Martin Blackwood:** :DDDD

 **Timothy Stoker:** yessss fuckin ace

 **Timothy Stoker:** id hi five u but u know

 **Timothy Stoker:** knife hands

t̶̨̹̽ĥ̵͔a̸̗͛͜t̷̝̐s̷͓͙̚ ̵͓͒ř̵͙̟ḯ̵͙̮͑g̵̛̦h̸̲t̶̺̬͘

 **Sasha James:** you will behave, though, won’t you?

t̸͇͠o̴̹͐͑ ̷͓̾ǎ̴͇͜n̵͉̕ ̴̪̽̈́e̶̱͊x̷̞̋̿͜t̶̯̗͒̕ę̴̉n̸̟͇̔͛t̵̟̕ͅ

 **Sasha James:** jesus i’ve got such a bad feeling about this

 **Sasha James:** you and melanie and daisy and michael together holy fuck

 **Sasha James:** it’s going to be insane

a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥a̸͖͒ḧ̷̥á̵̦ḫ̴̦̏ͅà̶͇̥͈h̸̗̓̃͐̆͒a̴̫̪̣̰̔h̵̡̘̲̘̰̋̊a̷̜͚̰̩̠͛̈́̅̿͋̒̈́̍̍̈́̒̔h̸̡͎̺̦͓͕̗̬̟̞̩̖̲̦͚͆̋̊̆͗͜ͅa̴̛̞̫͇̗̺͗̂̈́̍̒̈́̾͂͆̐͑

i̶̲͆̒t̴̛͎͒ ̵̮́̀w̸̡̙̉͝i̴̦͠l̸̬̜̐̌l̸̬̳͋͌ ̵͙̣̔b̶͍̤͝ẻ̶̱ ̴̹̤͌͌f̷͈͚̉̊ȗ̶͜ͅṇ̴̬͆͑

 **Sasha James:** big fucking yikes

 **Sasha James:** anyway, come round at 5:30ish, michael? i mean, manifest your creepy door or whatever? we should have the table and everything set up by then

a̶̝̔l̴̪̓͜r̴̡͓̐̕i̷̢̺̚g̶̯̼͒h̷͚̆t̸̲̓͠

ȉ̵̼͂ ̷̎̾ͅl̶͖̉o̵͕͌o̵̧̞̎ḱ̶̯͋ ̶̆͗ͅf̴͓̎͂ǒ̴͓̼͝r̴͖͗̓ẉ̶̒a̵̭͊͘r̶̲̽d̷͈̄͠ ̴͚̟́t̵̛̫͈o̶̺̓̅ͅ ̷̩̯̉ḯ̶̡ẗ̸̰!̵̜́

i̷͇̐̔ ̴̳͍̄k̴̹̇ͅn̸͙̳͒̀e̷̛̩͠w̷͈̞͐͐ ̷̫͋͆s̶̖͉̋͗o̶̖͕͒̑m̷͉͌̚e̷̦͝ṭ̶̌̃h̵̟̩i̶̭͐̔ṅ̴̤̈́g̶̢̼̎ ̷͚̼̒͋i̸̢̛͋n̸̳̆͝ť̵̤̼ë̷̫́r̶̰̪̆̚ḙ̵̅s̵͚̲̎͌ṭ̶̋̊ḭ̷̳͆͐n̷̤͎͆g̸̡͕̉̚ ̷̙̊ẇ̸̡̼͠a̴̙͐̆s̷̮̼͌͘ ̶̮͚̀̓ģ̵̖̽o̵̧̙͠i̴̤̐n̷̤͈̕ģ̵͕̐ ̵͚́̆t̵̜̥͘ö̶̤ ̸̫͇̔̐ȟ̵̙̪a̷̧͜͝p̸͔̚͝p̴̟͂͜e̶͕͊n̷̩̤͝ ̸̡͕͋́i̵̎͜n̶̲͓̔ ̴̺̖̿͝t̴̺̄h̸̘͗͐ė̸̪̩̃ ̸͕͓̂̈́a̸͇̎̊r̷͖̹͌̿ć̶͔̄͜h̴̤i̴̯̽v̷̟̀ȇ̸̩͝ş̷͉̏ ̴̛͎̉t̴̘̗̽̏o̶̧̰̕d̵̲͛̚å̷̬̙y̴͔̓ ̴̲͐ȃ̸̲̃n̸͈̔d̸̛̥̆ ̵̘̳̈́ẙ̵̩̈o̸̠̳̕u̶͚̔̚ ̷͓̱͒d̸̺̉̈́i̸̧̓͗d̴̘̖̓ṋ̵̢̂ẗ̶̨̥̎ ̶̻̙͋ḏ̷̛̐i̸̼̽s̵̲̤͋a̸̧͆p̵̂͋ͅp̶͔̝̎͑o̴̧̳͂̔į̷͊n̸͓̄̉t̸̙̖͊

 **Timothy Stoker:** hell yea main man michael

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well this is sure going to be interesting ://

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im going to talk to jon about a backup plan just in case though

 **Sasha James:** good idea

 **Martin Blackwood:** :))

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Um, jon?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Weve invited michael to beer pong because basira doesnt drink

 **Jonathan Sims:** you haven’t.

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh. you really have. 

**Jonathan Sims:** christ.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin, you should know how bad an idea that is

 **Martin Blackwood:** He seems okay, in a weird sort of way???

 **Martin Blackwood:** And hes said hell behave

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I suppose it would give El*as a coronary if he knew we’d willingly invited a manifestation of another power into the archives.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yes exactly!!! :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** So i was just wondering if

 **Martin Blackwood:** And i know you werent planning on staying for beer pong but

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, I’ll stay and keep an eye on him.

 **Jonathan Sims:** pun not intended.

 **Jonathan Sims:** also I’m not exactly averse to spending time with you after work

 **Jonathan Sims:** with you all! I mean

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh yeah of course!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im really glad you feel that way jon :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Its nice being friends with you :))

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes. I feel the same way

 **Jonathan Sims:** anyway. I have statements to record, so. I’ll get on with that.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh don’t let me keep you!! Well i guess ill see you later for beer pong, if youre not done before then :))

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes. see you then.

\---

5:28 P.M.

_“my boss is a monster and i love him So Much”_

**timetable stoker:** alright lads, gather round

 **timetable stoker:** this is it

 **timetable stoker:** the stage is set, the pieces are in place, michael is here, the cursed table is hopefully uncursed enough for us to get a good game out of it

 **timetable stoker:** let the great beer pong championship begin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun one to write :D  
> Let's just pretend that Jon didn't take an axe to the Web table in s1... it just amuses me to imagine them playing beer pong on an artefact of the Web :P  
> Also please let me know if you can't read Michael's glitch text! I tried to keep it relatively dialled back, but I'm happy to pop a transcript in the notes if it's illegible :)
> 
> [Glitch text transcript (line breaks between chunks of dialogue):  
> hello, sasha  
> you came to me  
> the little archivists need my help? how novel! ahahahahahaha  
> beer pong?  
> yes, why?  
> i could do that, but why should i help you?  
> no  
> no, youre entertaining but thats all, helen does, though  
> ahahahahaha  
> i am the distortion and helen is the distortion but i am not helen  
> still no  
> ahahahahahahaha, hm, alright  
> thats right  
> to an extent  
> ahahahahahahahahahaha, it will be fun  
> alright, i look forward to it! i knew something interesting was going to happen in the archives today and you didnt disappoint]


	12. q&a for dearest marto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Jonathan Sims:** hm I'd give you an update on the scores but Michael has said that the usual beer pong setup "isn't good enough" and is now rearranging the cups into a fractal pattern so I have No Idea who’s winning and how much has been drunk  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** it looks quite good actually  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** I wonder where he's getting the very tiny cups from  
>  **Georgie Barker:** how much of that beer have you had?  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** enough  
>  **Georgie Barker:** valid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's beer pong time lads :D  
> Glitch text in this chapter too! Again, there's a transcript in the end notes :)

Friday, 5:31 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, Georgie

 **Jonathan Sims:** my coworkers are being Chaotic again

 **Jonathan Sims:** even more so than usual

 **Georgie Barker:** intriguing

 **Georgie Barker:** i thought we were at the point where you took part in the chaos, rather than texting me to complain about it

 **Georgie Barker:** so this has to be very bad

 **Georgie Barker:** or very good

 **Georgie Barker:** go on

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, it’s one of those.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not sure which, yet

 **Georgie Barker:** i can help you decide if you let me know what’s going on

 **Georgie Barker:** hint hint

 **Jonathan Sims:** they’re playing beer pong

 **Georgie Barker:** oh that doesn’t sound too bad?

 **Jonathan Sims:** on a table that is an artefact of one dread power, and was used as the prison of another

 **Jonathan Sims:** (Tim found a tarp somewhere to cover it with, so we don’t all get drawn in by the pattern, and Melanie found a box to fill up the hole in the middle)

 **Jonathan Sims:** and because Basira doesn’t drink, Tim, Sasha and Martin asked Michael, an avatar of the Spiral, to come and basically make her drunk without her having to drink.

 **Georgie Barker:** that sounds amazing

 **Georgie Barker:** but you’ll have to explain “avatar of the spiral” for me, an Uneducated Plebeian who doesn’t haunt the halls of spooky

 **Jonathan Sims:** sorry, forgot you don’t actually work here

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll have to send you Martin’s spreadsheet later, it’s quite a comprehensive account of everything that’s been going on, it includes a breakdown Tim found of the different broad types of real phenomena that we deal with

 **Georgie Barker:** the flavours of spooky?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I mean

 **Jonathan Sims:** that’s an incredibly simplistic view

 **Georgie Barker:** am i wrong

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...well, no.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but anyway, Michael is a human(ish) manifestation of pure madness, the fear that your mind is lying to you

 **Jonathan Sims:** with the reality-warping powers to boot

 **Georgie Barker:** oh my god

 **Georgie Barker:** and he’s sitting in on beer pong?

 **Jonathan Sims:** he seems to find us entertaining, or so he claims

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s kinda good kinda concerning

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes.

 **Jonathan Sims:** he stabbed me once

 **Georgie Barker:** he hwat

 **Georgie Barker:** jon

 **Jonathan Sims:** but in the grand scheme of things it was only a little stab

 **Jonathan Sims:** a friendly one

 **Georgie Barker:** fuck me

 **Georgie Barker:** your life is something else, if you’re able to say “oh yeah it was a friendly stab”

 **Jonathan Sims:** apparently so

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I’ve been drafted in to make sure he doesn’t completely fuck up the archives

 **Jonathan Sims:** seeing as this seems to be my little patch of occult territory, and all that

 **Georgie Barker:**...and it’s safe to let him in?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m... not sure

 **Jonathan Sims:** but what I do know is that if Elias ever finds out, he’ll hate it

 **Jonathan Sims:** so that seemed like as good a reason as any to do it

 **Georgie Barker:** ...i guess

 **Jonathan Sims:** anyway, part of the reason for my messaging you is to ask a favour

 **Georgie Barker:** shoot :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** can you keep an eye on me, if I keep talking to you during beer pong? just to make sure that I’m not getting affected by whatever Michael does

 **Georgie Barker:** sure!

 **Jonathan Sims:** thanks.

 **Georgie Barker:** pangrams?

 **Jonathan Sims:** that sounds good

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh, Basira just sunk a cup!

 **Jonathan Sims:** that’s what it’s called, right? sinking?

 **Georgie Barker:** aw love

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah that’s it

 **Georgie Barker:** well, give me the stats on the teams

 **Georgie Barker:** i know you’re a stats man

 **Jonathan Sims:** right. team one is Tim, Sasha and Martin, calling themselves the “spitty tea squad”

 **Jonathan Sims:** Tim: accuracy (sober) 7/10; accuracy (drunk) 4/10; alcohol tolerance 7/10; determination to win 9/10

 **Jonathan Sims:** a solid beer pong player, with a technique and alcohol tolerance built up over years of student drinking games

 **Jonathan Sims:** Sasha: accuracy (sober) 9/10; accuracy (drunk) 3/10; tolerance 6/10; determination 6/10

 **Jonathan Sims:** unerring accuracy while sober, but when the beer kicks in, it drops severely

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin: accuracy (sober) 6/10; accuracy (drunk) 5/10; tolerance 3/10; determination 7/10

 **Jonathan Sims:** his tolerance is offset by the fact that his accuracy doesn’t drop too much when he’s drunk. however, it’s still only solid middle ground

 **Jonathan Sims:** and on the other team, we have Basira, Daisy and Melanie, aka “kill ~~bill~~ elias”

 **Jonathan Sims:** Melanie: accuracy (sober) 8/10; accuracy (drunk) 4/10; tolerance 6/10; determination 9/10

 **Jonathan Sims:** she definitely wants to win, and her tolerance is decent, but much like Sasha, when the beer hits, it hits hard

 **Jonathan Sims:** Daisy: accuracy (sober) 5/10; accuracy (drunk) 4/10; tolerance 9/10; determination 10/10

 **Jonathan Sims:** Daisy has only been drunk once in her life, her tolerance is phenomenal, but her accuracy leaves something to be desired

 **Jonathan Sims:** Basira: accuracy (sober) 8/10; accuracy (drunk) ???; tolerance ???; determination 8/10

 **Jonathan Sims:** Basira is typically meant to be the ace in the hole because she doesn’t drink, but that won’t apply in this game

 **Jonathan Sims:** the introduction of Michael into the game is very much a wildcard move, and despite my misgivings, I’m very interested to see how it’ll affect proceedings

 **Georgie Barker:** that was an incredibly detailed breakdown

 **Georgie Barker:** i have never seen so many semicolons in a set of text messages

 **Georgie Barker:** winky faces aside

 **Jonathan Sims:** ah, yes

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’re friends with Tim, too

 **Georgie Barker:** ayup

 **Jonathan Sims:** Sasha got one!

 **Georgie Barker:** ayee sasha :D

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s all going smoothly, surprisingly

 **Jonathan Sims:** just a normal game of beer pong, I suppose

 **Jonathan Sims:** even though there is an avatar of the Spiral sitting quietly in the corner and grinning

 **Georgie Barker:** yikes

 **Jonathan Sims:** the fact that he hasn’t done anything yet is concerning me more than anything he could do

 **Jonathan Sims:** right I’m going to get a beer myself, if I’m not playing I at least need something

 **Jonathan Sims:** if my karaoke performance is anything to go by, I’m apparently just as “spooky” when drunk as when sober

 **Georgie Barker:** wahey go jon! 

**Jonathan Sims:** i now have beer, and during the process of getting it, Melanie sunk a cup

 **Georgie Barker:** tell her i’m cheering for her!

 **Jonathan Sims:** have done, she says thanks but the spitty tea squad booed

 **Georgie Barker:** ah i know they love me, we’re all g

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...oh no

 **Georgie Barker:** what?

 **Jonathan Sims:** the ball bounced off the table and rolled towards Michael’s door

 **Jonathan Sims:** and went in.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and Michael retrieved it

 **Jonathan Sims:** I suppose it’s now a chaos ball.

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...and I supposed right

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: Tim tosses the ball, and it bounces wildly across the table, even doing a loop-the-loop at one point, before landing in a cup with a splash. There’s a cheer from Martin, Tim and Sasha, and Basira looks resigned. The video ends in a crackle of distorted static as someone out of shot starts laughing.]

 **Georgie Barker:** ahahaha omg that ball is fab

 **Georgie Barker:** but what the fuck was that noise at the end

 **Jonathan Sims:** Michael.

 **Georgie Barker:** jesus

 **Jonathan Sims:** indeed

 **Jonathan Sims:** Basira has to "drink" now. 

**Jonathan Sims: ...** and she appears fine, thankfully

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ I’ve been so on edge through all of this

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I will admit that the beer is helping

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s good, but stay alert?

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, boss

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...oh no

 **Jonathan Sims:** did I tell you that Tim brought a speaker?

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, he did

 **Jonathan Sims:** a bluetooth speaker, and he’s been playing what is apparently called the “hot meme playlist extra fire remix”

 **Jonathan Sims:** you can imagine what’s on it for yourself

 **Georgie Barker:** oh god

 **Jonathan Sims:** exactly

 **Jonathan Sims:** but Tim just said, very loudly 

**Jonathan Sims:** “I’m getting a bit over this, let’s play something better”

 **Jonathan Sims:** he just sang along to Take On Me, complete with dubious falsetto, at the top of his lungs

 **Jonathan Sims:** and he gave me a Look when he said that

 **Jonathan Sims:** he’s not changing the music because he’s bored

 **Jonathan Sims:** it only means one thing.

 **Jonathan Sims:** they've found the old mechanisms recordings. 

**Jonathan Sims:** fuck.

 **Georgie Barker:** omgggg that’s fantastic

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie I come to you for support

 **Georgie Barker:** lol don't worry i’m sure they’re gonna love the mechs

 **Jonathan Sims:** even so, they don’t need to know that their boss used to moonlight as a space pirate

 **Georgie Barker:** oh love as if they didn't find the clips months ago

 **Jonathan Sims:** ah, fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** "research"

 **Jonathan Sims:** I knew they were on Youtube during work hours for a reason

 **Georgie Barker:** omg

 **Jonathan Sims:** hm I'd give you an update on the scores but Michael has said that the usual beer pong setup "isn't good enough" and is now rearranging the cups into a fractal pattern so I have No Idea who’s winning and how much has been drunk

 **Jonathan Sims:** it looks quite good actually

 **Jonathan Sims:** I wonder where he's getting the very tiny cups from

 **Georgie Barker:** how much of that beer have you had?

 **Jonathan Sims:** enough

 **Georgie Barker:** valid

 **Georgie Barker:** pangram test?

 **Jonathan Sims:** the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

 **Georgie Barker:** normal choice of pangram spelt correctly, without autocorrect munting it. you’re good

 **Jonathan Sims:** good

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh no hang on

\---

6:21 P.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m back, had to stop Michael from impregnating on one of the artefacts

 **Georgie Barker:** i’m Sorry?

 **Jonathan Sims:** *imprinting!

 **Jonathan Sims:** autocorrect once again fucks me over

 **Jonathan Sims:** what I prevented was less sexual and more spooky

 **Georgie Barker:** i never thought i’d say this, but thank god it was spooky

 **Jonathan Sims:** indeed

 **Georgie Barker:** pangram test?

 **Jonathan Sims:** fine

 **Jonathan Sims:** sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow

 **Georgie Barker:** okay, you’re still doing good

 **Georgie Barker:** very funky pangram tho, so i’m gonna take that as a sign you’re having a bit of fun

 **Jonathan Sims:** you could say that

 **Jonathan Sims:** even Michael has started on the beer

 **Georgie Barker:** ...is that having any noticeable effect on him?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I honestly couldn’t tell you

 **Georgie Barker:** am i gonna have to pick you all up, then? not just melanie?

 **Georgie Barker:** she did say she might be having a bit of a night lol

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’re picking up Melanie?

 **Georgie Barker:** um

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah

 **Jonathan Sims:** why are you

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh

 **Jonathan Sims:** congratulations?

 **Georgie Barker:** it’s still very new and tentative so we’re not telling many people yet, but thanks :)

 **Georgie Barker:** guess we couldn’t hide it from you of all people for long :P

 **Jonathan Sims:** for what it’s worth, I think you’ll be good for each other

 **Georgie Barker:** :)

 **Georgie Barker:** now we just gotta work on helping you out, you single pringle

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh no

🚪

 **Georgie Barker:** what’s that?

 **Jonathan Sims:** even more oh no than you trying to matchmake

 **Jonathan Sims:** don’t click it, whatever you do

 **Georgie Barker:** ...too late

h̴̝̐ẹ̴͛l̶̰̍l̷̡ŏ̴̡,̴͕ ̷̢͝ā̴ͅr̶̰̄c̷̪͋h̵̙i̸̘͗v̸̪͐i̴͑ͅs̴̡̕t̵̬͠!̵͖̉

̵̜̍ä̸̡́n̸̡̽ḓ̸͂ ̸̭̅f̸͚̈́r̶̦͠ǐ̷͓e̵̜͑n̷̗͒d̷̤̀

̵̟̔j̶͚̑ơ̸̠ņ̷̛,̷̨̍ ̸͕͑ḓ̶̃ȏ̴̼n̷̙̈́’̷̹̄t̸̘͆ ̶̭̂b̴̀ͅe̸͕͒ ̶̉͜ȑ̷̗ủ̶̟d̷̞e̶̞̊,̶̠̈ ̷͎̔ÿ̸̟́o̴̢̚ǔ̶͇ ̸̙͗s̵͗͜h̸̠͂o̴̹̍ư̷̳l̷̠͋ď̶̰ ̸̪̂i̴̘n̴̞̕t̸̯͐r̶͕̊o̶̮ḍ̸͋u̶̪͝c̴͚̽e̶̟̔ ̸͙̓m̵̪͝e̴͈̓ ̸̯̏t̴̤̊o̶͋ͅ ̵̤̿ȳ̸͕ȯ̸̮u̷̟̇r̵̻͊ ̷̬̂f̴̛̬r̵͓̆ḭ̶̅e̵͎̾n̵͍̏d̴̨!̷̟͘

 **Georgie Barker:** wait what the fuck

 **Georgie Barker:** is this michael?

 **Georgie Barker:** but if he’s playing beer pong with you guys...?

y̷͇̅o̸͕̽u̸̥͛’̸̬͐ř̶̜e̸̙͝ ̸̧̋p̵̨͠a̵̯͝r̴̗̈́t̴̤̑l̸̺y̶̛̝ ̶̤͌r̷͖̿ḯ̸̭g̷̈͜ḣ̶͕t̴̮

̷̯̓ḯ̶̺’̵͆ͅm̶̫̓ ̵̟͊p̴̫a̶̬͆r̵̖͝t̶̢̍ ̶͈̽o̸̮̒f̶̳̏ ̷̖̈́t̸̗̿h̷̩̒e̵͓̊ ̸̼͠d̵̙͑i̶̋ͅŝ̵̻ẗ̴͔o̴̝̅r̷̞̈́t̶̠̅i̷̭̿ö̸͔́n̵̞͛,̷̧͆ ̵̤̆b̶͇̐u̶̖̅t̸̮̒ ̴̉͜i̵̗͆’̵̻͐m̷͉̈ ̴̰͂ṉ̸͋o̵͈͛ẗ̵͈́ ̴̛̰m̵̫͋į̸̆c̸͚̈́ḧ̶̥ä̵̼́e̵͇̅l̵̲

̵̖̓i̷̩̇’̸̩͝m̵͙̏ ̵̗̂ḩ̸̆e̸̯̽l̷͔̀ẹ̵̿ņ̸͋

 **Jonathan Sims:** don’t even try, Georgie, we don’t really understand it either

 **Jonathan Sims:** she used to be a real estate agent, then she got eaten by the Distortion’s corridors, and somehow became another part of it

 **Georgie Barker:** ...uh

 **Georgie Barker:** there’s too much to unpack there

s̵̼̎o̸̢͒ ̵͍̉y̴̞̔o̶̥͐ư̴̪’̵͈̚r̸̲̋e̵͔͛ ̴̜̽g̵̥̔ë̴̠́ó̵̻r̶̲̐g̴̠͋i̶̯̚ȩ̶̈́!̸̺͌ ̶͚͝i̶̟͝t̸͔̉’̶̘s̴̭̓ ̴̡͂l̷̻͐o̸͓̅ṽ̸̡ȇ̵͈l̴̈͜y̷̖̾ ̴̞̆t̷̖͌ơ̶̢ ̸̔͜ḿ̴̖e̴̥̅é̷͓ẗ̸̙́ ̶̞̐ÿ̴̦o̴̘͊u̷͓̒

 **Georgie Barker:** thanks?

ǐ̶̡ ̴̧̈́ĵ̸̻u̸̟̓ș̶̈́t̷̘̾ ̶̛͈c̷͖ạ̵̊m̶͎̑e̸̻̿ ̶̨̎ţ̷͑o̶͓̕ ̶̯̉s̷͙̉ť̸̹ẽ̴̖ȧ̴̪l̶͍̔ ̶̟̓y̶̳̒o̶͎͘u̴̦̔r̵̙̃ ̷͓͗a̶̖̎r̵͚̿c̵̜̿h̴̽͜i̷͍͑v̸̭i̴̝̿s̵̫̑t̶͙͌

̵̛̻n̸̩̋o̴̻̒t̸̜̂ ̵̨͝l̶͉̎i̶̲̓t̶͉e̴͈̽ȑ̶̙ḁ̵̍l̴̘̐ļ̷͗y̶̖̍

̸̘̈́b̴̩̈́u̶̙͐t̷̤̍ ̶̪̍h̵͉͂ę̵̇’̷̗̎s̷̹̒ ̷̤̾n̷̰̕o̵̳̓t̵̜̾ ̵̝ţ̷͒a̶̎ͅk̵̞͒i̷̙̕n̶̬̓g̸͔̀ ̵̞̓p̷͚̔ả̶̹r̸͍̎t̷̝͑ ̴̨̅i̶̩͐n̴̫̉ ̴͚̏a̵͇͋n̵͔͛y̶͉̆ ̵͇̌ǫ̵̂f̵̗̕ ̵̛̱t̴̝̓h̵͈̀è̶͓ ̶͍̏g̸͖̎a̸͍̍m̶̺̏e̵̤̽s̷͇͑,̴͉̽ ̸̙́h̴͔̀e̵͎͘’̴͍̇ṣ̷̒ ̵̩̓j̷̈́͜u̸̲s̷͙̈ẗ̷̗́ ̸͉̌s̵̛͈i̴̥͗t̷͕̿t̴͈̋ȉ̷͇ṉ̶͂g̵̹̈ ̵͙ỏ̵̟n̷̮̈́ ̶͍͒h̸̟̐i̸̗̚s̶̥̕ ̷̧̈́ó̸̢w̵̼͝n̴̋͜

̵̮̾ĵ̴̼o̷͔̓n̵͒ͅ,̷̊͜ ̸̜͛o̶͂ͅf̸̧̿ ̵͔̓a̴͖̾l̶̝̈l̵̠͊ ̴̟̄ť̷͈h̴̙̕ȅ̶̟ ̴̩̈́ȅ̶̺n̴̲̑t̴̪͐î̶͓t̸͔͒i̴̲̋e̷͘ͅs̷̜̈,̴͎̒ ̸̳̍ţ̸̅ẖ̸̓e̸̙̕ ̴̩̈́l̵̙o̵̮̊n̷̩ẹ̷̕l̷̗̍y̸͈̾ ̷̱̋i̵̱͘š̸͍ ̷̧̾t̶̪̐ḣ̸̯e̸̱̽ ̷̺͐õ̴̠n̴͚̒e̸̞̐ ̷̫̈y̷̝͌o̷̝͂u̴̜’̶̟͘d̴̼̓ ̶̦̂ļ̴͠e̶̞̋á̷̯s̴͘͜t̴̰̑ ̶̬̿w̴̟̄a̴̛͉n̷͙̊ṭ̵̂ ̸̨̑a̴̼͋t̸̪̍ ̷̝̿a̷̤͝ ̷͈͠p̷̱̍a̶̭͑r̷͇̿t̸͍͊y̷̗̎

̵̞̏ẃ̸̙h̶̞́ḁ̴͗t̵̮͠ ̶̳̂ẅ̶̪e̶̼͠ ̸͉̌ņ̶̋e̷̢̓e̶͖͂ḓ̴͝ ̶͎͗t̵̘͗ö̴͕ ̶̨̌d̵͙̃o̸̺̕ ̵͖͝i̷̱̋s̶̭̐ ̴̗̏p̵͙̃ļ̸̔â̴̲ỳ̷̨ ̷̛̹s̴̺͐o̷͇͆m̵̗̒e̶̞̐t̶̙̽h̷͓̎i̸̬͐ņ̴̍g̸̳͝ ̷̘̉m̸̲͊ȏ̷͎r̴̟͗ë̷̱ ̶̰̾i̷̜̊n̷̎͜c̴̲͒l̷͓̕ù̵̩s̶͍̎ȋ̶̯v̸̳̓ȇ̴̼ ̴͚̈t̷̛͚h̸̞̅ą̷͌n̶̠͆ ̴͚̈b̴̞̓e̷̻͐e̸̮̊r̷͖͒ ̵͚̏p̷͈͑o̴̡̐n̸̖̄ĝ̵̺

̴̙̒c̷͕ő̷͇m̷̨̔e̵̡̓ ̵̡̍ǒ̵̗n̷͜͠

̶̺̍ĩ̸̙'̶̜̿m̶̰͒ ̷͎̄c̶̤̽o̸̼͂m̶̡͗i̸̛͔ṋ̴̉g̵̗͠ ̵̞i̴̤̓n̴̻̈,̴̜̊ ̷̰̊ṭ̴͆h̵̳͝ȩ̶̔n̶̰ ̴͈͒ẅ̶͉́ẹ̷͋ ̷̡̿c̷͍̐a̸̝͋n̶̰̓ ̵̥͒a̴̺͛l̷͈͝l̷̺͆ ̸̮̔p̸̤̄l̶̮͗a̴͖̐y̴̻̾ ̵̭a̷̬͒ ̸̡͊p̵̔͜r̵̢͊o̷̱͝p̷̤̑ę̷͛r̶̡̚ ̵̣̂g̵̪͆a̴̱͋m̶̢̛e̷̘͛

 **Georgie Barker:** lol have fun jon

 **Jonathan Sims:** it appears I have no choice in the matter

y̷̘͊ỏ̸̢u̷͝ͅ ̵̾ͅd̵̗͒o̸̮̊n̸̛̩'̵͜t̸̟̄!̴̡͘

\---

Friday, 9:58 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** got home safe, and am letting you know asper your very firmly emphassed instructions when you came toc ollect Melanie

 **Jonathan Sims:** even though I'm an adult who can take care of himself thank you verymuch

 **Georgie Barker:** oh love we both know you can't

 **Georgie Barker:** cough cough mr average of 3 hours sleep per night cough

 **Jonathan Sims:** hmph.

 **Georgie Barker:** thanks for letting me know tho :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** how's Melanie?

 **Georgie Barker:** she’s good! currently having tea on the sofa

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll leave you bot h to it.

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ I’m so. fcking tired

 **Georgie Barker:** i’m not surprised

 **Jonathan Sims:** also I did something monumentallly stupid but itll have to wait until tomorro

 **Jonathan Sims:** good night

 **Georgie Barker:** ohoho i can’t wait

\---

Saturday, 10:11 A.M.

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** i see your green dot, you’re alive and awake

 **Georgie Barker:** so?????? what happened???

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh no

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ Georgie I can’t recover from this

 **Jonathan Sims:** I knew having those two in the archives could only end badly

 **Georgie Barker:** okay, again, what flavour of badly are you talking about?

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...the usual one

 **Georgie Barker:** oh good!

 **Georgie Barker:** tell me everything

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie I just want commiseration, not an in-depth probing into what actually happened

 **Georgie Barker:** okay so out of respect for your clearly shaken state i won’t point out the obvious double-entendre there

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you

 **Georgie Barker:** but i do kinda need to know what happened

 **Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Georgie Barker:** do i need to make threats re the admiral?

 **Jonathan Sims:** they won’t work.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I won’t tell you

 **Jonathan Sims:** I just need someone who wasn’t there to tell me it’s going to be alright.

 **Georgie Barker:** damnnn son okay :/

 **Georgie Barker:** i promise it’s going to be fine <3

 **Georgie Barker:** whatever happened

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you

 **Jonathan Sims:** if it works out I might tell you what happened but not before then

 **Georgie Barker:** colour me intrigued

\---

_“No creepy doors allowed”_

**bomb defuser:** Nice to know that even though you feel like absolute shit for five minutes after reality readjusts, Distortion drunkenness doesn’t give you a hangover the next day

 **bomb defuser:** How are the rest of you feeling this fine Saturday morning?

 **daisy:** basira you’re far too cheerful for this 

**ghost stabber:** hey u weren’t even drunk at all

 **daisy:** it’s a saturday, you expected me to be functioning any time before noon?

 **ghost stabber:** valid

 **stonks:** been better been a Lot worse

 **marto kart:** Im alive i think but i have some Questions

 **stonks:** oh i bet u do 

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “q &a for dearest marto” _

**substitute boss:** omg yes i’m here now too

 **substitute boss:** yesss martin ask away

 **marto kart:** Yeah so did the Thing during spin the bottle last night actually happen or

 **marto kart:** Bc its just as likely it could have been a hallucination???

 **marto kart:** But if it did happen im 

**marto kart:** Fuck

 **stonks:** ohhhhhh marto

 **stonks:** oh it absolutely did happen

 **stonks:** :D

 **marto kart:** Hnnnnnn

 **marto kart:** Guys help

 **marto kart:** Im not sure i can deal with this

 **marto kart:** Did he actually mean me when he said that???? 

**marto kart:** I mean he looked at me, but he might have meant it in the same way he looked at helen

 **marto kart:** Shit have i been too obvious??? Is he trying to warn me off????

 **bomb defuser:** Oh no

 **bomb defuser:** He meant you

 **bomb defuser:** I used to be a cop, I know how to read people

 **marto kart:** No im sure hes not

 **daisy:** jesus fuck martin he absolutely meant you

 **marto kart:** Ack

 **marto kart:** What do i do omg guys?????

 **substitute boss:** just talk to him?

 **bomb defuser:** Agreed

 **marto kart:** No no nonono fuck

 **stonks:** oh yes >:)

 **marto kart:** Aaaaaaa

\---

_“operation wasteland”_

**Georgie Barker:** guys did something happen last night?

 **Georgie Barker:** bc jon is Moping but he’s not telling me what’s wrong

 **Georgie Barker:** i’ve threatened him with almost everything and he’s still not budging

 **Timothy Stoker:** oh something did very much happen last night

 **Melanie King:** the ust was Acknowledged thank fucking christ

 **Timothy Stoker:** sash im gonna hand this one over to u bc uv got the good storytelling words

 **Sasha James:** hoooo okay yes

 **Sasha James:** the legendary Spin The Bottle Saga

 **Georgie Barker:** omg i can already tell this is gonna be good

 **Sasha James:** so jon must have been keeping you updated until helen got there, right?

 **Georgie Barker:** yup

 **Sasha James:** anyway helen rocks up, immediately declares beer pong boring, and suggests spin the bottle

 **Sasha James:** we’re all at least mildly buzzed at this point, and in the exact right mindset for spin the bottle, so we go with it

 **Sasha James:** first few rounds are decent enough

 **Melanie King:** the look on tim’s face when he had to snog daisy though

 **Timothy Stoker:** hey that was nothing against dais

 **Timothy Stoker:** but i know for a fact basira still has a taser

 **Melanie King:** lol fantastic

 **Timothy Stoker:** and their entire relationship is literally the definition of ride or die

 **Melanie King:** tru

 **Melanie King:** actually they seem just as committed to getting those two idiots to acknowledge things as we are

 **Melanie King:** i’m gonna add them

 **Timothy Stoker:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **_Melanie King_ ** _added_ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _and_ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to the group_

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_daisy_ **

**Basira Hussain:** @Timothy and @Melanie you’re both absolutely right

 **Basira Hussain:** So this chat is specifically for what’s going on between Jon and Martin?

 **Timothy Stoker:** yup

 **daisy:** oh you’re talking about spin the bottle?

 **daisy:** hah

 **Georgie Barker:** so what happened next????

 **Sasha James:** yeah anyway it gets to helen’s turn, and we can tell she’s been waiting for this

 **Sasha James:** so helen spins the bottle, and because she’s an avatar of the spiral too it just goes fucking nuts and ends up on the narrow end

 **Sasha James:** helen is delighted, none of us know what to make of it

 **Sasha James:** helen: it landed on jon!

 **Sasha James:** martin, bless his heart, looks devastated

 **Sasha James:** martin: ........uhhhh did it?

 **Sasha James:** helen: It Landed On Jon

 **Sasha James:** martin: um okay???

 **Sasha James:** we’re all feeling for him at this point

 **Sasha James:** so the mood is real heckin Awkward but there’s not much we can do

 **Sasha James:** helen takes a step towards jon

 **Sasha James:** and jon, who’s a good couple of beers in by now and is Serious Earnest Drunk, just says

 **Sasha James:** “no, thank you”

 **Sasha James:** helen grins

 **Georgie Barker:** oh nooo poor jon, he’s really not into all that

 **Sasha James:** yeah we were talking about that sort of thing over drinks one time and he mentioned he was ace, so i’m glad he was comfortable enough to tell us :)

 **Sasha James:** but he didn’t seem comfortable to say as much to helen, which is fair enough seeing as she’s neither human nor trustworthy

 **Sasha James:** so i was about to tell helen to back off

 **Sasha James:** when jon looks dead at martin, then back at her

 **Sasha James:** opens his mouth again 

**Sasha James:** and says

 **Sasha James:** “i’m already in committed pining for someone else”

 **Sasha James:** he doesn’t seem to realise what he’s said

 **Sasha James:** helen has just about turned into the cheshire cat

 **Sasha James:** meanwhile martin has gone dead white then bright fuckin red

 **Sasha James:** then and only then does jon seem to hear what has just come out of his mouth and he just clams right the fuck up

 **Sasha James:** they didn’t make eye contact for the entire rest of the night

 **Sasha James:** there were Lots of sneaky sideways glances when they didn't think anyone else was looking, though

 **Georgie Barker:** oh my actual god

 **Timothy Stoker:** right???

 **Sasha James:** oh yeah and we ordered pizza straight after and apparently martin and jon have the same favourite pizza

 **Georgie Barker:** wait, other people like anchovies?

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s fucking disgusting

 **Melanie King:** ayup

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s a couple of points off for martin then :P

 **Sasha James:** yeah jon and martin had to share their own pizza lol

 **Georgie Barker:** oh did they? hmm

 **Sasha James:** hmmmm indeed

 **Sasha James:** oh, the other highlights of the evening included discussing increasingly elaborate plans to get rid of el*as without literally killing him

 **Sasha James:** michael got about 3 beers in then started going Off about gertrude

 **Sasha James:** (the head archivist before jon)

 **Sasha James:** like, whoa

 **Sasha James:** dude might be a manifestation of an eldritch power, but he also has Issues

 **Sasha James:** that being said, gertrude also apparently did some Really Messed Up Shit, including sacrificing archival assistants to dread powers??? so like

 **Sasha James:** his having issues with her is justified

 **Sasha James:** then jon stands up, and he’s still Earnest Drunk at this point, and he honest to god puts his hand on his heart

 **Sasha James:** and says

 **Sasha James:** “i promise on the admiral’s life that i will never ever sacrifice any of you”

 **Georgie Barker:** oh my god

 **Sasha James:** yeah you know exactly how serious that is

 **Timothy Stoker:** and if ur thinking we all clapped youd be right

 **Georgie Barker:** damn straight

\---

_“q &a for dearest marto” _

**marto kart:** Aaaaa fuck it im going to message him aaaaaa

 **marto kart:** Wish me luck??????

 **stonks:** get innnn marto! best of luck my Boi :D

 **bomb defuser:** Good luck!

 **daisy:** ^^^

 **substitute boss:** ahh martin all best!

 **ghost stabber:** if u don’t get ur shit sorted out i will have to get knives involved i’m sorry

\---

_“operation wasteland”_

**_Sasha James_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **Georgie Barker:** yesssssss

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Morning, jon!! How are you feeling after last night?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m fine. thank you. and you?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah not bad :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Um

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh christ i dont think theres any easy way to start this

 **Martin Blackwood:** Fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** spin the bottle?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah

 **Martin Blackwood:** I think we need to talk? In person?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I agree.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Meet for coffee? Theres a costa near mine thats surprisingly good

 **Jonathan Sims:** alright.

 **Jonathan Sims:** 3pm?

 **Martin Blackwood:** That suits me :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** See you then!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** see you then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a delay, again, but life, ya know? Also, this chapter got Long... will I ever write a chapter that is shorter than expected? Apparently not! Hope this one lived up to expectations :D  
> A quick explanation on the pangram thing: it's a sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet! In my mind it's the text equivalent of saying a tongue twister to prove you're not drunk.  
> Also!! Some stellar human beings have created things based on my fic, which you all Must check out as soon as possible!! Shobasuckso/jinglejanglethejester made some absolutely gorgeous art of the macarena scene from chapter 2, which you can find [here](https://shobasuckso.tumblr.com/post/624070510734622720/video-id-three-men-clearly-tim-jon-and-martin). Also, it was very very remiss of me not to point this out last chapter, but nicloft created all the docs and spreadsheets from chapter 10! The links to those are in a comment on chapter 10, and I just. They're perfect! I'm so humbled when anyone thinks my fic is worth creating things about, and I can't express my love and thanks enough <333  
> And thanks to everyone who has read / kudosed / commented! It all means the absolute world to me :)
> 
> [Glitch text transcript:  
> hello, archivist! and friend! jon, don't be rude, you should introduce me to your friend!  
> you're partly right, i'm part of the distortion, but i'm not michael, i'm helen  
> so you're georgie! it's lovely to meet you  
> i just came to steal your archivist. not literally, but he's not taking part in any of the games, he's just sitting on his own. jon, of all the entities, the lonely is the one you'd least want at a party! what we need to do is play something more inclusive than beer pong. come on, i'm coming in, then we can all play a proper game!  
> you don't!]


	13. a zany band of ragtag adventurers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **stonks:** hey lads are there side effects from drinking beer thats had a spiral artefact + also whatever weird crap is in the dust in artefact storage in it  
>  **stonks:** (srsly tho does nobody dust in artefact storage? that floor was rank)  
>  **stonks:** asking for a friend  
>  **bomb defuser:** Isn’t that a question for spooky google?  
>  **stonks:** yea but hed judge me So Much if i asked him  
>  **bomb defuser:** And you think we won't? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in no way sorry for the last cliffhanger >:D

Saturday, 12:03 P.M.

_ “q&a for dearest marto” _

**substitute boss:** so??? how did it go???

**ghost stabber:** @Martin @Martin @Martin

**stonks:** @Martin @Martin @Martin

**marto kart:** Omg you guys im here im here!!!

**marto kart:** I messaged him, he was very nice about it, but im really not sure where were going to go from here

**marto kart:** Things aren’t awkward between us, but

**marto kart:** Yeah, nothing conclusive

**substitute boss:** aw martin <3

**substitute boss:** that’s okay! but keep us updated :)

**ghost stabber:** if he breaks ur heart i *will* stab him and not even god herself can stop me

**daisy:** seconded, but with guns

**marto kart:** Omgg theres no need for that!!!

**daisy:** hopefully not.

**marto kart:** Still yikes!!

**marto kart:** Can we close the subject tho please??? I dont want to make things awkward with jon :((

**substitute boss:** sure :)

\---

2:47 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ve just got off the tube, where is the Costa?

**Martin Blackwood:** Aaa youre early but so am i so its all g :))

**Martin Blackwood:** Hang on ill share my location

**Jonathan Sims:** got it, thanks.

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ll be there in about five minutes

**Martin Blackwood:** :thumbs up emoji:

\---

5:14 P.M.

**Jonathan Sims:** well, that was

**Jonathan Sims:** well.

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Martin, that was certainly illuminating

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon you goof!!

**Martin Blackwood:** We spent the last two hours talking things out

**Martin Blackwood:** And were going to try actual dating!!! 

**Martin Blackwood:** (Which im so keen for by the way :))) )

**Martin Blackwood:** (Oh also thank you for going over the boundaries for what youre comfortable with <33)

**Martin Blackwood:** But yeah you dont have to be this formal anymore, not if you dont want to :P

**Jonathan Sims:** ...I suppose not

**Jonathan Sims:** (and I’m looking forward to trying actual dating too)

**Martin Blackwood:** Aw :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** one thing I thought of, though

**Jonathan Sims:** you’re okay with not telling the others?

**Jonathan Sims:** an “office romance” is one thing, but because I’m your boss...

**Jonathan Sims:** they might get the wrong idea. and I really don’t want either of us to go through that

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, and we can’t talk about it at all in the archives

**Jonathan Sims:** if Elias ever got wind of it...

**Martin Blackwood:** Big yikes

**Martin Blackwood:** But yeah i totally agree!!

**Martin Blackwood:** Besides if tim found out he would be a Menace

**Martin Blackwood:** So would sasha actually

**Martin Blackwood:** Fuck they all would

**Martin Blackwood:** Lol i didnt even tell them we were going for coffee for that exact reason

**Martin Blackwood:** So yep im very keen to keep this one on the dl :))

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Martin

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, and we can’t tell Georgie, either

**Jonathan Sims:** she might tell Melanie

**Martin Blackwood:** :thumbs up emoji:

**Jonathan Sims:** the good thing is that as far as I know, I’m the only one with “spooky knowing”, so I think we’ll be safe

**Jonathan Sims:** apart from Elias, but as long as nothing happens in the archives, he has no reason to go snooping in our personal lives

**Martin Blackwood:** Fab

**Martin Blackwood:** I still cant believe youve been pining for me tho???? For months????

**Martin Blackwood:** I really thought you hated me at first :((

**Jonathan Sims:** and I can't tell you how sorry I am about that

**Jonathan Sims:** I was projecting my own feelings of inadequacy, and possibly also overcompensating for the unprofessional feelings I was having towards a colleague 

**Martin Blackwood:** Aw jon :(((

**Jonathan Sims:** but I am trying to do better

**Martin Blackwood:** Ive noticed, and its appreciated :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** ......And you did just tell me you liked me ;)))

**Jonathan Sims:** mm, that I did.

**Martin Blackwood:** <33

\---

Sunday, 11:28 A.M.

_ “q&a for dearest marto” _

**stonks:** hey lads are there side effects from drinking beer thats had a spiral artefact + also whatever weird crap is in the dust in artefact storage in it

**stonks:** (srsly tho does nobody dust in artefact storage? that floor was rank)

**stonks:** asking for a friend

**bomb defuser:** Isn’t that a question for spooky google?

**stonks:** yea but hed judge me So Much if i asked him

**bomb defuser:** And you think we won't? 

**stonks:** i mean thats tru

**stonks:** but ur all in the same boat with me

**bomb defuser:** Technically I'm not

**stonks:** but u did let michael fuck with ur head

**bomb defuser:** That's fair

**bomb defuser:** But I’d like it to be known that unlike some people in these archives, I make good decisions more often than not

**substitute boss:** noted!

**substitute boss:** for real though tim are you okay?

**stonks:** im fine

**stonks:** but i woke up at 3am worried abt it

**stonks:** i mean i went back to sleep straight after but still

**stonks:** what if my guts turn into spiral corridors

**stonks:** what if i start getting knife hands??? i have such good hands i cant lose them

**ghost stabber:** weird flex but ok

**substitute boss:** christ timbourine why are you like this

**stonks:** but i might not be like this for any longer thats the problem

**stonks:** what are u all gonna do w/o my gorgeous face around the archives

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Hey jon

**Martin Blackwood:** Do you know if there might be any side effects from playing beer pong with a literal artefact of the spiral and then drinking the beer?

**Jonathan Sims:** hm let me check

**Jonathan Sims:** no, I think you’re all fine

**Jonathan Sims:** why do you ask?

**Martin Blackwood:** Tim

**Jonathan Sims:** ah.

\---

_ “q&a for dearest marto” _

**marto kart:** Spooky google says were all g

**stonks:** omg u asked him? traitor

**stonks:** but also thx :)

**marto kart:** No worries :))

\---

Monday, 9:37 A.M.

_ “my boss is a monster and i love him So Much” _

**timetable stoker:** lads we need different nicknames 

**timetable stoker:** its been too long since weve changed them

**monsterboss:** Tim, you’ve been at work for half an hour, is it too much to ask you to keep focused until tea break?

**timetable stoker:** it sure is when im just going through the discredited pile

**watermelon king:** fuckin valid

**timetable stoker:** some highlights:

**timetable stoker:** the dude with the “demon goat”

**timetable stoker:** this couple who swear to god they saw a pair of bright lights they thought must be ghost eyes when they were camping

**timetable stoker:** (they were camping metres away from the a40)

**watermelon king:** the “ghost eyes” were headlights?

**timetable stoker:** the “ghost eyes” were headlights.

**watermelon king:** that kind of thing gives us serious ghost hunters a bad name

**watermelon king:** jon don’t you say a fucking word

**monsterboss:** I've seen evidence of the fear entities

**monsterboss:** I am evidence of the fear entities

**monsterboss:** but I've never seen evidence of an actual ghost

**house martin blackwood:** Hey jon, what did you ask me when we were in the tunnels during the jane prentiss incident?

**monsterboss:** Martin. we do not speak of that conversation.

**house martin blackwood:** :))))

**basingstoke hussain:** On a different note Tim, what's that you're listening to? 

**basingstoke hussain:** DnD podcast?

**timetable stoker:** yea its pretty good actually

**timetable stoker:** its a fun one to not do work to

**sash window james:** omg tim i've had an idea

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_wizard_ **

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_fighter_ **

**wizard:** dnd classes!

**fighter:** aw hell yea :D

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ changed  _ **_Melanie King_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_ranger_ **

**ranger:** oh cool that checks out

**ranger:** favoured enemy is one el*as bitchard

**fighter:** fuck yea

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ changed  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_barbarian_ **

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_paladin_ **

**fighter:** omg u guys are so cute and also i didnt expect u to be that nerdy 

**paladin:** I've played a bit in my time

**paladin:** Might've even DMed a few games

**barbarian:** i've picked it up by osmosis

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_bard_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_warlock_ **

**bard:** Hang on why am i a bard??

**bard:** I dont play an instrument???

**fighter:** yea but ur useful in lots of different ways

**bard:** Ahaha aw thanks :))

**warlock:** I'm not a warlock, though

**warlock:** not by any stretch

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_cleric_ **

**cleric:** this is better

**wizard:** okay, first of all i love that we're all dnd nerds, even you, jon

**wizard:** secondly, i think tim's right

**wizard:** you literally draw power from a Weird eldritch entity

**cleric:** well.

**wizard:** yeah you're a warlock

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_warlock_ **

**wizard:** and i've got you too, martin :)

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ 's nickname to  _ **_bard (sans instrument)_ **

**bard (sans instrument):** Oh cheers :))

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the group “a zany band of ragtag adventurers” _

**fighter:** how tru

**paladin:** We should start a campaign sometime 

**ranger:** omg for sure

**wizard:** that would be legendary

**warlock:** I'm sure it would.

**warlock:** but can we please at least attempt to get back to work? thank you. 

**fighter:** nnnnh

**fighter:** bossssss ur no fun

**wizard:** what tim means is, "sure, jon!"

**fighter:** god ur such a suck

**wizard:** just trying to make the archives run smoothly :)

\---

10:05 A.M.

_ "q&a for dearest marto" _

**stonks:** hey lads ive been thinking abt it and would u agree that the archives is a

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group "Collection Of Creepy Knowledge" _

**daisy:** hah

**ghost stabber:** yes, yes it is

**substitute boss:** fuck off tim i thought we were done with the shitty acronym chat names

**stonks:** neverrr

**substitute boss:** remind me why i like you, again?

**stonks:** 1\. my wit 2. my sparkling personality 3. my roguish charm 4. my insanely hot face 5. my insanely hot body 6. my ability to sneak booze into the archives

**substitute boss:** 1 out of 6 i agree with 

**stonks:** :0 which one???

**ghost stabber:** hang on

**ghost stabber:** so as the boss of this place

**ghost stabber:** would that make el*as

**ghost stabber:** the Collector Of Creepy Knowledge? 

**stonks:** oh it absolutely would

**stonks:** hes the biggest Collector Of Creepy Knowledge ive ever had the misfortune to come across

**substitute boss:** ughhh speak of the devil

\---

_ “a zany band of ragtag adventurers” _

**wizard:** hey have you all seen the email from el*as?

**wizard:** "All Institute personnel are reminded that the majority of the building is off-limits to the public, and only Magnus Institute employees are permitted to be in the building after official opening hours."

**wizard:** hm i wonder what he could be talking about

**warlock:** ugh. the passive-aggression.

**warlock:** still, he didn't like that Michael and Helen were in the institute, so I'll take that as a victory

**warlock:** we’ll have to have them back

**ranger:** wait tim oh my fucking god

**fighter:** :)

**ranger:** “omg who would do such a thing????? are u having ragers in the library again??? invite me next time diana ive got the best moves in the institute and everyone knows it. peace out my babes, tim (from the archives) xoxo”

**fighter:** its tru

**ranger:** did you reply all to the entire fucking institute

**ranger:** iconic

**fighter:** i do my best :)

\---

Tuesday, 10:13 A.M.

**bard (sans instrument):** Say aye if youve ever been personally victimised by basira hussain when she does that thing where you think youre on your own and you get really caught up in whatever youre doing and then she just clears her throat and you jump and she tells you shes been there reading for the last half hour 

**bard (sans instrument):** So has probably overheard a solid 80% of what you were doing

**ranger:** aye

**fighter:** aye

**barbarian:** aye

**warlock:** aye. it’s particularly disconcerting when I’m recording statements.

**paladin:** Hey, it’s not my fault if you don’t notice I’m there

**paladin:** And Daisy? If you’re referring to you listening to The Archers, if you do it in the patrol car it’s your own fault

**barbarian:** bullshit i only started doing that after you walked in on me listening to it that first time

**fighter:** daisy u listen to the archers?????

**barbarian:** what of it

**fighter:** fuckin love that

**fighter:** its so unexpected

**barbarian:** got to keep you all on your toes

**fighter:** anyway marto what were u doin that basira interrupted?

**bard (sans instrument):** ...

**fighter:** basira what was he doing???

**paladin:** Not sure, I wasn’t listening

**fighter:** hnnnn why not???? wheres ur instinct for gossip????

**paladin:** I was reading

**fighter:** martooooo come on spill spill spill

**bard (sans instrument):** Nooo youll all laugh at me :(((

**fighter:** hand on heart i would Never

**wizard:** rule 2 exists for a reason :)

**bard (sans instrument):** Okay fine i may have been recording some of my poetry on tape bc i like the aesthetic but none of you are going to get to listen to it and that is Final

**fighter:** :0

**fighter:** whats it about??

**bard (sans instrument):** Stuff

**ranger:** what kind of stuff?

**bard (sans instrument):** Just stuff!!

**warlock:** Martin isn’t obligated to respond if he doesn’t want to. Tim, Melanie, don’t push him.

**bard (sans instrument):** Thanks jon :))

**warlock:** now, I hate to sound like a broken record, but work? please?

**fighter:** ugh fineee

**paladin:** Broken tape recorder more like

**fighter:** ayeeeee

**fighter:** anyway im feeling like i got marto pretty spot on with the bard class tho

**bard (sans instrument):** Ahaha i guess so :))

\---

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Basira Hussain:** You owe me big time

**Basira Hussain:** I didn’t hear much, but what I did hear, I thought you wouldn’t want me repeating it

**Martin Blackwood:** Thank youuu

**Martin Blackwood:** Ill get you a yorkie from the vending machine

**Basira Hussain:** Biscuit and raisin?

**Martin Blackwood:** Fuck theyre only in the one by el*as’s office

**Martin Blackwood:** But deal

**Basira Hussain:** Nice doing business with you

**Martin Blackwood:** :)))

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Sasha James:** okay but what the fuck was that

**Sasha James:** i know martin said not to bring it up anymore and i respect that but also hmmmm

**Georgie Barker:** what the fuck was what?

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**Georgie Barker:** yes hmm indeed

**Melanie King:** ughh guys i really thought we were getting somewhere but

**Melanie King:** they haven’t acknowledged anything

**Melanie King:** there’s a slight change in the dynamic but that is all

**Melanie King:** if they’ve agreed to just not act on anything bc they work together i swear to god

**Sasha James:** it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s exactly what they’ve done 

**Sasha James:** christ they’re both so stupid! they’re two very intelligent men but they’re so damn stupid!

**daisy:** i can literally handcuff them together if that’d help

**Timothy Stoker:** holy shit would u???

**Sasha James:** wait omg where did you get handcuffs from? i thought you quit the police?

**daisy:** look i’m technically not police anymore, i’m “private security”

**daisy:** but i might have done the equivalent of nicking the pens from the office

**Timothy Stoker:** iconic

**Basira Hussain:** I’m still not super thrilled you did that, Dais

**daisy:** i got you that taser, you can’t complain

**daisy:** besides, what are you gonna do about it

**Timothy Stoker:** not a goddamn thing

**Sasha James:** honestly the longer these dorks go around denying their feelings the more inclined i am to say yes to the handcuffs thing 

**daisy:** just say the word

**Melanie King:** can you do it like 3 weeks ago? 

**Timothy Stoker:** pls and thank

**Sasha James:** daisy i’ll let you know :)

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Thank you omg

**Jonathan Sims:** just looking out for my colleague

**Martin Blackwood:** Pfft

**Martin Blackwood:** You were covering your own arse

**Jonathan Sims:** ...yes, I was covering my own arse

**Jonathan Sims:** do I get to hear the poem?

**Martin Blackwood:** Maybe :))

**Jonathan Sims:** what sort of poem is it? is it one of those Keatsian odes? christ I hope it’s not 

**Jonathan Sims:** I can’t stand that kind of overwrought and flowery language

**Martin Blackwood:** Holy shit jon ahahahaha

**Martin Blackwood:** The standard response to being told that someone wrote you a poem is not to straightaway make assumptions and criticise what it might be like omggg

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m sorry! I’m just not a fan of poetry in general

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ve grown to appreciate it more lately, though

**Jonathan Sims:** and I’m sure I’m going to like this one

**Jonathan Sims:** I hear the poet is very good

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahh jon :))))

**Martin Blackwood:** Also in my defence i checked and checked to see if i was on my own and the room was empty when i started

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m not blaming you, Basira can be eerily silent when she wants to

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh agreed

**Martin Blackwood:** Cuppa?

**Jonathan Sims:** please

**Martin Blackwood:** Ill just put the kettle on, be there in a mo :))

\---

10:41 A.M.

_ “a zany band of ragtag adventurers” _

**wizard:** oh another good email from the Collector Of Creepy Knowledge

**wizard:** timmykins i think this one is personally targeted

**wizard:** “All staff are reminded that the Global Distribution List in the Institute’s email client is to be used to disseminate key Institute information only. Staff members are also advised to take care when selecting the “reply all” function on emails, as it can lead to unnecessary confusion and clogging of inboxes.”

**ranger:** oh i liked “I also refer all staff to the employee handbook, subsection 14.8, regarding the appropriate tone of all written communication sent from Institute accounts. The Magnus Institute is a professional academic organisation, and all employees must accurately represent this standard.”

**fighter:** dw lads its seen and responded to >:)

**bard (sans instrument):** Omg tim

**bard (sans instrument):** “:0 whos sending institute-wide emails??? fuck thx for the heads up elias babe bc i didnt get it :’((((( can whoever is sending them pls not leave me off the list next time?? stay funky fresh institute fam, love always, tim (from the archives) xoxo”

**wizard:** mkay since that’s a quote i’m going to let that one slide

**wizard:** i’m not heartless

**wizard:** also that’s fantastic

**fighter:** cheers babe

**ranger:** u’re a fucking artist

**fighter:** thank u melanie im glad my talent is appreciated

**warlock:** as much as I wish you spent as much time doing your actual work as you do on this, I would gladly pay you double to just antagonise El*as

**fighter:** im at ur door lets negotiate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They've talked! They've got it sorted between themselves! And yet! They still continue to be Idiots of the highest degree!  
> As a reward for making it this far, I shall share a Cursed Thought (tm): imagine...... the Magnus Archives as a different archive......... by which I mean......... the Magnus Archives Of Our Own........   
> I'd blame the sleep dep for that but it appeared fully-formed in my brain at about 4pm :/


	14. is hozier marked by an entity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Martin Blackwood:** Rosie im so sorry for whats going to happen in about five minutes  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** Martin? What’s up?  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Cant tell you anything more but its going to be Dramatic  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** You archives lot I swear to god  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** Should I get popcorn?  
>  **Martin Blackwood:** Probably not a bad idea haha :))  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** I’m equal parts concerned and excited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heist chapter.......... hmmmmm......... >:)

Thursday, 2:07 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin, could you ask all the others to come through, please? 

**Martin Blackwood:** Sure thing :))

**Martin Blackwood:** What for?

**Jonathan Sims:** I'll tell everyone when we're all together

**Martin Blackwood:** Ominous :0

\---

2:26 P.M.

_ "elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker" _

**elias hater #4:** okay but why are we on the vent chat in the tunnels

**elias hater #4:** the tunnels with the Thing, so i hear

**elias hater #0:** because this is the best way I could think of to make sure Elias didn’t see any of this.

**elias hater #0:** the Thing shouldn't trouble us

**elias hater #0:** but the tunnels generally...

**elias hater #0:** well, I feel cut off when I’m in here, like my eyes don’t work properly.

**elias hater #2:** real eyes or spooky eyes?

**elias hater #0:** the latter, which is why I think we’re safe from Elias here

**elias hater #0:** and I’m doing everything I can to stop him knowing about this chat. 

**elias hater #0:** I need one safe space to vent about him that he doesn’t know exists

**elias hater #4:** i can get behind that

**elias hater #6:** So keeping this from Elias, whatever it is, is pretty important

**elias hater #6:** I’m certainly intrigued

**elias hater #6:** Go on

**elias hater #0:** I have a favour to ask you all.

**elias hater #3:** okay so were not gonna like it

**elias hater #0:** on the contrary.

**elias hater #0:** I think you’ll like it a bit too much

**elias hater #0:** so I really do have to ask for some restraint here

**elias hater #5:** spit it out, sims

**elias hater #0:** I need you all to create a distraction so I can break into Elias’s office.

**elias hater #3:** no fucking way

**elias hater #3:** yessssssssssss boss

**elias hater #2:** okay so i have to ask 

**elias hater #2:** why are you going to break into his office? 

**elias hater #0:** I have questions

**elias hater #3:** fuck boss dont we all

**elias hater #0:** no, this is different. 

**elias hater #0:** I need to know what's going on here. whether Smirke's entities are an accurate way to divide these things, whether the phenomena and more... metaphorical, secondary associations we've assigned to those names align with the accepted view

**elias hater #0:** I need to know how this world works.

**elias hater #0:** and it's not something I can Know. believe me, I've tried, and all I've ended up with is a headache

**elias hater #0:** it's like... it's too much knowledge for the human brain to process. 

**elias hater #0:** Elias knows, I'm certain of it. he wouldn't be asking me the questions he does if he didn't. 

**elias hater #0:** and I'm sure there's something in his office, documentation maybe, that can help us

**elias hater #2:** ...okay

**elias hater #2:** that got heavy, but I understand where you're coming from

**elias hater #6:** You sound like you think Elias has some kind of bigger plan at work here

**elias hater #0:** I do. I can't tell what it is, though, and I've tried Knowing that as well. 

**elias hater #6:** Well, I agree with you on the whole Elias is dodgy as fuck thing

**elias hater #4:** hey just checking

**elias hater #4:** is stabbing still off the table here? bc i think that'd be pretty distracting

**elias hater #3:** shes got a point boss

**elias hater #3:** pun absolutely intended

**elias hater #2:** tim oh my fucking god

**elias hater #0:** no, no stabbing.

**elias hater #4:** oh come on

**elias hater #0:** that’s also a preemptive no to drugging his coffee, just having at him with an axe, any of the other plans for homicide we stopped you from doing, and any other plans for homicide you might still be thinking of

**elias hater #4:** what’s the fucking point then?

**elias hater #0:** distraction, Melanie, not straight-up murder.

**elias hater #4:** ugh fineee

**elias hater #5:** and i’m assuming that also means i can’t just tackle him?

**elias hater #0:** as much as I would love to see that, you are unfortunately correct

**elias hater #5:** well fuck that

**elias hater #0:** whatever you decide to do, though, I don’t want to know about it

**elias hater #0:** I need plausible deniability

**elias hater #0:** whatever you’re going to do will probably end up with me having a disciplinary meeting with him at some point, and if he decides to Know what I’m thinking, I can’t risk knowing about your plans

**elias hater #3:** got it

**elias hater #2:** we’ll be discreet

**elias hater #0:** thank you all.

\---

Tuesday, 11:02 A.M.

_ “Collection of Creepy Knowledge” _

**substitute boss:** right 

**substitute boss:** jon is in his meeting with el*as, so if we’re gonna make plans, now is the time to do it

**marto kart:** Well we know how to bait him, hell come for cake

**stonks:** good point, good point, but this needs to be spectacular

**daisy:** i mean, the handcuffs are still on the table

**stonks:** nah i get the feeling hed enjoy that on some level

**stonks:** hes a natural control freak so i guess hes a dom but

**stonks:** sometimes he might want someone else to take the reins for a bit

**ghost stabber:** tim holy fuck i never want to see those words ever again

**ghost stabber:** jesus

**ghost stabber:** i’m going to go wash my eyes and brain out with bleach

**bomb defuser:** Can we all please just pretend that never happened

**substitute boss:** yep

**stonks:** but u cant refute it

**daisy:** fuck off

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_cursed. demon boi_ **

**cursed. demon boi:** cheers

**cursed. demon boi:** anyway i want to get my am-dram out 

**cursed. demon boi :** this is like

**cursed. demon boi:** a boss-approved opportunity to go completely batshit

**cursed. demon boi:** and i will grasp it with both hands

**marto kart:** Tim whatever followup innuendo youre in the middle of typing please Do Not

**substitute boss:** ^^^

**cursed. demon boi:** this is discrimination

**marto kart:** I mean we could always burn something

**cursed. demon boi:** oh yessss arsonist marto

**bomb defuser:** I’m keen for the pyrotechnics

**marto kart:** But the thing is he has to be completely distracted

**ghost stabber:** and he’s got that mind reading schtick, so we need to confuse the signal so he can’t tell we’re doing it as part of a plan

**bomb defuser:** Yeah, we need to get as many people involved as possible

**substitute boss:** ergo it has to be somewhere public, not down here, but far away from his office to give jon as much time as possible

**substitute boss:** reception?

**cursed. demon boi:** ohhh good thinking babe

**marto kart:** Wait guys ive had an idea???

**marto kart:** Tim. How goods your distressed screaming?

**cursed. demon boi:** i mean i can give you an example

**marto kart:** Nonono theres no need for that!! 

**substitute boss:** tim if you scream like you’ve been possessed down here? where the sound echoes like nobody’s business? i will literally murder you

**cursed. demon boi:** ugh fine

**cursed. demon boi:** but trust me when i say its fuckin stellar

**cursed. demon boi:** bafta-winning, oscar-worthy

**marto kart:** Great!!! Melanie, i think as an actual youtube host you might have the most acting experience out of all of us? 

**ghost stabber:** i mean i guess? not acting acting, tho

**ghost stabber:** more like being vaguely dramatic when necessary

**marto kart:** Thats fine! But can you pretend to be tims gf 

**ghost stabber:** u’ll need to elaborate there

**ghost stabber:** u know i am Not into that

**ghost stabber:** no offence tim, u’re a cool dude, but 

**ghost stabber:** u know

**ghost stabber:** u’re a dude

**marto kart:** Oh no just for like three seconds so you can dump him

**ghost stabber:** hmmmm okay, i’m listening

**marto kart:** Daisy you might need to be on actual physical duty

**daisy:** i’d never say no to smacking some sense into stoker

**cursed. demon boi:** look thats fair enough

**cursed. demon boi:** but avoid the face? its the best face i have

**daisy:** i make absolutely no promises

**substitute boss:** martin, where’s this leading?

**marto kart:** Look i dont want to risk el*as or even jon knowing whats up here, can we move this discussion to the tunnels?

**bomb defuser:** Good point actually

\---

11:48 A.M.

**cursed. demon boi:** ohohohohoho holy fuck this is gonna be so good

**cursed. demon boi:** u have a delightfully evil mind under those curls, marty boi

**marto kart:** :)))

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Just so you know, tims going to be bringing in cake on friday!!

**Jonathan Sims:** ...that’s nice, if... unusual

**Jonathan Sims:** any particular occasion?

**Martin Blackwood:** Its his and melanies one month anniversary :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** but they’re not...?

**Jonathan Sims:** oh. hm. I see.

**Martin Blackwood:** Were all going to have a bit of a do in reception, were moving up there bc itll probably be pretty distracting, you know how tim and the rest of us can get, haha :))

**Jonathan Sims:** quite.

**Martin Blackwood:** Do you think youll be able to make it?

**Jonathan Sims:** ah. yes, I’m afraid I’ll be in a meeting then. important business, you know what it’s like. 

**Jonathan Sims:** we did have that discussion about it, after all.

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah i remember it

**Martin Blackwood:** Its a shame to hear you cant make it tho!! Im sure everyone whos going to be there will miss you

**Jonathan Sims:** yes. yes indeed.

\---

Friday, 10:34 A.M.

_ “Collection of Creepy Knowledge” _

**cursed. demon boi:** omw with the cake!

**cursed. demon boi:** we all agreed that black forest had the best results on the spreadsheet, yea?

**substitute boss:** :thumbs up emoji:

**cursed. demon boi:** ace, hes gonna love it

\---

10:37 A.M.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Rosie im so sorry for whats going to happen in about five minutes

**Rosie Kendall:** Martin? What’s up?

**Martin Blackwood:** Cant tell you anything more but its going to be Dramatic

**Rosie Kendall:** You archives lot I swear to god

**Rosie Kendall:** Should I get popcorn?

**Martin Blackwood:** Probably not a bad idea haha :))

**Rosie Kendall:** I’m equal parts concerned and excited

**Martin Blackwood:** Hahaha sounds about right :))

\---

10:45 A.M.

**_Sonja Zhao_ ** _ to  _ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Sonja Zhao:** hey Ro what's going on out there? 

**Sonja Zhao:** I can hear screeching from all the way down the corridor

**Rosie Kendall:** The archives bunch

**Sonja Zhao:** omg I had Tim in the other week asking if he could use one of the artefacts after hours

**Sonja Zhao:** that weird old table? no idea what he wanted it for

**Sonja Zhao:** and his emails? shit, I want some of whatever he's on

**Rosie Kendall:** Well, he's at it again

**Rosie Kendall:** They're all here actually, apart from Jon

**Sonja Zhao:** probably locked himself in his office again

**Rosie Kendall:** That'd be right

**Rosie Kendall:** But yeah, the screeching is Tim

**Rosie Kendall:** I mean, I’d call it wailing, myself

**Sonja Zhao:** oh my god

**Rosie Kendall:** But at least I got a bit of a warning from Martin before it all kicked off

**Rosie Kendall:** Had enough time to get the popcorn out

**Rosie Kendall:** You should come up, I swear to god this is better than anything you'll see on telly

**Sonja Zhao:** ugh I wish I could, but Dan and Liesie are running tests and I really need to be here to supervise

**Sonja Zhao:** what’s going on?

**Rosie Kendall:** Right, so Tim comes in with a massive smile on his face and a fancy looking box

**Rosie Kendall:** I asked him what was in the box, he said he'd bought a cake for his and Melanie's "monthiversary"

**Rosie Kendall:** And then he asked if I minded him doing it here, because the lighting was better in reception than in the archives, and of course I said it was fine (because I definitely wanted to see what was going on)

**Rosie Kendall:** So he starts setting up, and then the rest of the archival assistants come through

**Rosie Kendall:** Melanie sees what’s going on, and her eyes get big. I mean panic big.

**Rosie Kendall:** Tim spots them all, beams, and says “happy monthiversary, babe!”

**Rosie Kendall:** There’s dead silence from Melanie for about 15 seconds

**Sonja Zhao:** oh noooo oh my god

**Sonja Zhao:** it’s a fucking soap opera

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh but wait, it gets better

**Rosie Kendall:** She then looks him right in the eye and says “Tim, I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you”

**Sonja Zhao:** no Way

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh yes. Tim gapes like a fish

**Rosie Kendall:** And Melanie says “I’m leaving you for Georgie”

**Rosie Kendall:** Tim: “Georgie? What the Ghost Georgie? I knew you were spending all that time together doing a collaboration but...”

**Rosie Kendall:** Melanie: “Yes. We were... more than collaborating”

**Rosie Kendall:** It’s at this point that Tim starts wailing.

**Sonja Zhao:** and he’s still going.

**Sonja Zhao:** like, I can hear him. right now

**Sonja Zhao:** fuckin wow

**Rosie Kendall:** You’re missing the visual

**Rosie Kendall:** He’s literally on the floor, clinging to her legs

**Rosie Kendall:** Hannah and Tom from the library came to gawk, half the IT department and a solid 80% of Research are here as well

**Rosie Kendall:** Even Elias is here

**Rosie Kendall:** (And he’s helping himself to cake, which is hilarious but so cold at the same time)

**Rosie Kendall:** (It’s black forest cake, which I know is his favourite because he always gets one ordered for the fancy dos with the donors)

**Sonja Zhao:** omg

**Sonja Zhao:** there are some days, the days when i nearly lose a limb to some of the cursed stuff we’ve got down here, when i wonder why the hell i’m still working here

**Sonja Zhao:** and then there are days like today which make the whole thing worthwhile

**Rosie Kendall:** Tim: “I was committed to you! We were going to be together forever!”

**Sonja Zhao:** hang on didn’t he make that “#1 slut” tshirt that he wore for like a straight fortnight?

**Rosie Kendall:** And miraculously didn’t get dress coded for? Yeah

**Sonja Zhao:** oh and let’s not forget “lil slut” “hot slut” and “baby slut”

**Sonja Zhao:** he had those on rotation for an entire month

**Sonja Zhao:** so he’s definitely proud of his reputation

**Sonja Zhao:** but now he’s found The One and she’s breaking up with him??? holy shit

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh my god

**Rosie Kendall:** Sasha just leaned over and said to me “Elias is looking this relaxed because Melanie knows he’s here and hasn’t tried to kill him”

**Sonja Zhao:** what the fuck is going on in the archives?????

**Rosie Kendall:** Right????

**Rosie Kendall:** Now Melanie has given Daisy a Look of pure "help me"

**Rosie Kendall:** And she (Daisy) has literally picked Tim up off the floor and is holding him like a kitten

**Sonja Zhao:** goddd I wish that was me

**Rosie Kendall:** I think she's taken but I get you

**Rosie Kendall:** Now Tim has started singing? Proper 80s power ballad stuff

**Rosie Kendall:** He’s still being held by the scruff of the neck

**Rosie Kendall:** And now Martin has got out a lighter, he’s flat-out lit the file he was carrying, and is waving it in time

**Sonja Zhao:** I want to say something other than “holy fuck” but I think that’s still the best way to describe what’s going through my mind

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh no 

**Rosie Kendall:** Elias has spotted the bit of paper and gone dead white

**Rosie Kendall:** Ahahaha shit I think it was a statement

**Sonja Zhao:** no wayyyy

**Rosie Kendall:** It’s chaos

**Rosie Kendall:** Daisy is now slightly strangling Tim to get him to shut up, Elias has lunged for the fire extinguisher to put out the statement, then both Melanie and Basira moved at the exact wrong time and tripped him up

**Sonja Zhao:** aaaaaaaaaaaaa

**Rosie Kendall:** He’s flat on the floor, but luckily Tim’s stopped singing so Martin’s put out the fire

\---

_ “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker” _

**elias hater #0:** mission success.

**elias hater #6:** Roger that

\---

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _ to  _ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** ...and now it looks like it’s clearing up?

**Rosie Kendall:** Basira has given Daisy the Gentle Arm Touch and she’s put Tim down

**Rosie Kendall:** Sasha is helping Elias up like everything is fine, it all seems to be returning to chill

**Sonja Zhao:** what the actual fuck

**Rosie Kendall:** Yeah it’s all just. Gone back to normal?

**Sonja Zhao:** wack

**Sonja Zhao:** and here was me hoping that if Elias got cake, he’d be in a good enough mood to okay you going for long lunch

**Rosie Kendall:** Guess that won’t be happening now

**Rosie Kendall:** Still, that was probably enough excitement for today!

**Sonja Zhao:** the weirdest things in this building aren’t the statements or the artefacts, but the people

**Rosie Kendall:** Amen to that.

\---

11:28 A.M.

_ “a zany band of ragtag adventurers” _

**paladin:** Well, that was certainly a thing that happened

**paladin:** Seemed to get a lot of people’s attention

**warlock:** glad to hear it.

**warlock:** but can you all come to my office, please

**warlock:** there’s something you all need to hear.

\---

12:02 P.M.

_ "elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker" _

**elias hater #5:** there’s been so much of this kind of thing lately

**elias hater #5:** sims, can you just move your office into the tunnels?

**elias hater #5:** it’d save the confusion

**elias hater #0:** I really don't think Elias should know that we've listened to that tape, so this is the safest bet

**elias hater #6:** Agreed

**elias hater #2:** so that was gerard keay? huh

**elias hater #1:** Well he did say to call him gerry if we got to the end of the tape lol

**elias hater #1:** But yeah he didnt sound like what I expected

**elias hater #6:** So it looks like Smirke's 14 is the way to go, and the classifications we've been working with based on those names are pretty close to what Gertrude used

**elias hater #0:** that's about the sum of it, yes

**elias hater #2:** i wonder what he meant when he said that gertrude’s leaving a tape for her successor? i mean, literally it’s obvious, but jon, you never got that, did you?

**elias hater #0:** no.

**elias hater #0:** either Elias has it, or it’s somewhere in the mess of the archives

**elias hater #0:** you’ll excuse me for not being enchanted by the prospect of either

**elias hater #1:** Oh thats so fair

**elias hater #2:** i was right about gertrude, though

**elias hater #2:** there’s more to her than she wanted other people to see, i’m sure of it

**elias hater #2:** and gerry said she didn’t trust him with all the information?

**elias hater #2:** which is why he made his own tape 

**elias hater #2:** obviously there was something big going on

**elias hater #6:** There still is, by the looks of

**elias hater #6:** Let’s still gather intel

**elias hater #0:** agreed. we conclusively know about the bare bones of all of it now, though, so at least we’ve got a foundation to build from.

**elias hater #5:** as long as we’re all agreed that melanie and i are going to get rid of him in a very final way

**elias hater #4:** i’m with u there daisy

**elias hater #0:** can we still hold off on the actual plans for murder? please.

**elias hater #3:** yea and can we focus on the fact that my fantastic acting was what made this whole thing possible and i absolutely deserve to be shouted a round

**elias hater #4:** excuse u 

**elias hater #3:** fineee okay i guess i gotta credit best supporting actress over here

**elias hater #4:** cheers

\---

12:35 P.M.

_ “a zany band of ragtag adventurers” _

**fighter:** okay so ive been thinking about all the entities n stuff

**fighter:** and ive got a real q 

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “is hozier marked by an entity” _

**barbarian:** that's the thing you're taking away from all this? 

**fighter:** look it would make sense

**fighter:** like real people do, wasteland baby, in a week, bits of sunlight

**fighter:** probably others but those are the ones i can think of rn

**fighter:** can u say im wrong?

**fighter:** no u can not

**bard (sans instrument):** Okay yeah look i cant argue with any of that

**bard (sans instrument):** But what entity tho?

**bard (sans instrument):** The references are pretty conflicting

**warlock:** it wouldn't surprise me if he was marked by more than one

**fighter:** oh ur Right

\---

12:39 P.M.

_ "Collection Of Creepy Knowledge" _

**substitute boss:** wait, did i just hear jon laugh? 

**stonks:** i did too what the fuck

**bomb defuser:** This can’t be right

\---

_ "is hozier marked by an entity" _

**bard (sans instrument):** Jon is everything okay???

**warlock:** oh, just fine

**barbarian:** something's up

**barbarian:** sims, what’s going on

**warlock:** ...I may have placed a camera in El*as's office while I was in there

**ranger:** a danger move but i Like it

**warlock:** I don't think he pays as much attention to what he expects to already be safe. 

**paladin:** Why did you do it? 

**warlock:** for this.

**warlock:** we received a letter a few days ago from Peter Lukas. it was addressed to El*as, but must have been misdelivered to the archives. 

**warlock:** so I thought I should get it to its intended recipient, but I may have added a little touch of my own. 

**warlock:** hang on, we really don’t want El*as’s face in this chat, do we

\---

_ “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker” _

**elias hater #0:** this is better. 

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: The video shows a security camera-esque video feed on a laptop. On the feed, Jon enters Elias's office and hands him a thick envelope. There is no sound on this video, but it's evident that Jon is broadcasting an air of well-meaning puzzlement as he apparently explains what had happened. After Jon leaves, Elias returns to his desk, retrieves a letter-opener from a drawer, and opens the envelope. A cloud of multicolored glitter erupts from the envelope, coating Elias, whose expression is increasingly murderous, as well as his desk, and most of the room. Video ends.]

**elias hater #1:** That???? Was incredible???? Omggggg

**elias hater #4:** holy fucking shit jon

**elias hater #6:** Wow. Just wow

**elias hater #5:** i got to mildly strangle tim, see basira trip elias, then watch that

**elias hater #5:** today has been a very good day

**elias hater #0:** and the best, and possibly strangest, part of the whole affair? 

**elias hater #0:** I saw multiple sets of divorce papers in the envelope before I put the glitter in.

**elias hater #2:** ahaha shit 

**elias hater #2:** tim, martin, did i not say ages ago that i thought there was something going on there?

**elias hater #2:** the way he acted when we started looking into naomi herne’s statement.......

**elias hater #1:** Yeah you did omg

**elias hater #2:** i don’t want to say the words, but we’re all thinking them

**elias hater #3:** peter lukas is bitchards sugar daddy, yea

**elias hater #5:** stoker, i have already injured you once today

**elias hater #3:** wait lads lads lads i found the best frame of the whole video

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ sent an image _

[Image ID: A zoomed-in still from the previous video, paused at the moment where glitter has started to shoot out of the envelope. Glitter fills the bottom of the frame, but Elias’s face is clearly visible, caught in an open-mouthed expression of pure, uncomprehending shock.]

**elias hater #2:** does this mean what i think it means?

**elias hater #3:** oh babe ofc it does

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed the group photo _

**elias hater #4:** legends, both of you

\---

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _ to  _ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** The icing on the cake of today: Elias has just walked out of the building, covered in glitter

**Sonja Zhao:** omg what the hell

**Rosie Kendall:** Yeah, I guess it's just one of those days

**Sonja Zhao:** guess so

**Sonja Zhao:** did you get pics? 

**Rosie Kendall:** Who do you think I am? 

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _ sent 6 images _

[Image ID: All six photos are sneakily-taken pictures of Elias as he walks past the reception desk. They've all been taken from different angles, revealing that he has glitter from head to toe.]

**Sonja Zhao:** shit I need to get that third one on a tshirt 

**Rosie Kendall:** I think my favourite is the fifth one

**Sonja Zhao:** yeah i can see it

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh, and he told me that he won't be back for the rest of the day

**Sonja Zhao:** fucking mint 

**Sonja Zhao:** long lunch? 

**Rosie Kendall:** Long lunch. 

**Sonja Zhao:** I'll meet you in 5 :)

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay but today you:

**Martin Blackwood:** * Successfully pulled off an actual heist

**Martin Blackwood:** * Found conclusive proof about the weirdness we live in

**Martin Blackwood:** * Glitter bombed the hell man

**Martin Blackwood:** I think im a pretty lucky guy to have an actual spy for a bf :))))

**Jonathan Sims:** Sasha told me that the distraction plan was a major success

**Jonathan Sims:** she didn’t give any details, but she did mention that it had been your idea

**Martin Blackwood:** Well i dont want to take all the credit but

**Jonathan Sims:** if I’m the spy (which I highly doubt, but I know you’re going to insist on making reference to it), you’re the mastermind

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahaha aw jon :’)))

**Jonathan Sims:** so I’d say we make a very good team.

**Martin Blackwood:** <33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, black forest cake is a tiny sneaky reference to Schwartzwald :)  
> Fun fact: this was originally written with Jon nicking Gertrude's tape from 161, but then I realised that she barely explains anything about the entities, and it would lead to a Lot of angst, so I made up a tape of Gerry's that concisely explains things in much the same way as 111 did :)  
> Secondary fun fact: it's impossible for the apocalypse to happen in this 'verse! They all have a gotdamn Support Network and Actual Genuine Friendships That Will Not Break, so the Lonely Cannot mark a single one of them, and I as the author will stand by that. Peter Lukas can go suck eggs and so too can El*as for that matter.  
> Also, pretty much all of the distraction plot comes from an idea my good pal @iremainimmortalinyourmind on tumblr, she has a brilliant mind :D And while I'm shouting out pals, gotta give some Big appreciation to @timepatches (AO3) / @monimolimnion (tumblr), who isn't a TMA fan but consistently lurks on my writing doc and gives me the best support and feedback <3  
> Lastly, thanks once again to everyone who reads / kudoses / comments! It's always so so appreciated <3


	15. Collection Of Cursed Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Alice Tonner:** why is he like this  
>  **Basira Hussain:** I honestly have no idea  
>  **Basira Hussain:** I’ve been trying to work it out the entire time we’ve been here  
>  **Basira Hussain:** I got nothing  
>  **Alice Tonner:** neither  
>  **Alice Tonner:** i already know i’m going to hate whatever is in his next few messages  
>  **Basira Hussain:** Me too, Dais, me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tim just turns out Pure Feral whenever I get a good grip on his voice, and I make no apologies for that

Monday, 9:53 A.M.

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Timothy Stoker:** ok babes ive got a plan

**daisy:** jesus

**Sasha James:** i hope you realise that i instinctively dread anything that comes after those words

**Georgie Barker:** ya i’m with sasha and daisy on that one

**Timothy Stoker:** u r all fiends and heathens and i dont know why i even share my brilliance w u

**Melanie King:** bc ur ego can't bear not saying something

**Sasha James:** by jove, melanie, i think you’ve got it

**Timothy Stoker:** well if ur all done attacking me ill share my masterplan

**Timothy Stoker:** im gonna drop the perfect subject into the gc and martos reaction is gonna tell us everything we need to know

**Basira Hussain:** I’m already getting bad vibes from this “plan”

**Timothy Stoker:** well see if ur still so quick to criticise when the legendary brain of tim stoker pulls off another moment of blindingly amazing amazingness

**Basira Hussain:** I mean

**Basira Hussain:** You have to know that we will be

**daisy:** we live for the criticism

**Georgie Barker:** yeah actually i graduated from oxford with a first in roasting :)

**Timothy Stoker:** fuck you all :))))

\---

_ “Collection Of Creepy Knowledge” _

**cursed. demon boi:** okay lads

**cursed. demon boi:** rating the avatars by fuckability here we go

**substitute boss:** tim please i beg of you

\---

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ to  _ **_Basira Hussain_ **

**Alice Tonner:** why is he like this

**Basira Hussain:** I honestly have no idea

**Basira Hussain:** I’ve been trying to work it out the entire time we’ve been here

**Basira Hussain:** I got nothing

**Alice Tonner:** neither

**Alice Tonner:** i already know i’m going to hate whatever is in his next few messages

**Basira Hussain:** Me too, Dais, me too

\---

_ “Collection of Creepy Knowledge” _

**marto kart:** Tim omg why do you have to ruin my poor innocent eyes with this???

**substitute boss:** ^^^ martin’s poor innocent eyes!

**marto kart:** I did nothing to deserve this!! I only set one tiny thing on fire and now i am being punished :(((

**cursed. demon boi:** no ilu and ur arson marto but im so sick of following up ppl about statements 

**cursed. demon boi:** i need to do this and u cant stop me

**substitute boss:** sigh

**cursed. demon boi:** great! im gonna take that sigh of disappointment and resignation as a sign that u approve of what im doing :)

**substitute boss:** i categorically do not

**cursed. demon boi:** wow i didnt hear a word u said!

**cursed. demon boi:** right so here we go 

**cursed. demon boi:** this is completely official and u cant argue w me bc thats the law

**cursed. demon boi:** jane prentiss 0/10. worms, nuff said

**cursed. demon boi:** jude perry 5/10. literally hot but there’s the whole burning away your attachments thing so points off for that

**cursed. demon boi:** agnes montague 10/10. also literally hot, plus the statements say shes a looker so that adds points. also even tho shes a fire messiah theres a bit of mellow sweetness maybe? and who doesnt love a bit of brooding

**cursed. demon boi:** el*as -1240989835987/10. terrible, awful, bad. and yes i know that he has an objectively sharp dress sense and ash in research said he has a good voice but no. just no.

**cursed. demon boi:** peter lukas 2/10. an extra point for being a v rich sugar daddy but hes a crusty old sea man so its a no from me

**cursed. demon boi:** michael 7/10. would do, he seems fun and hes got good hair. plus who knows what the spiral element would bring to it! just gotta stay away from the knife hands

**cursed. demon boi:** helen 8/10, 9/10 if ur sasha. all the perks of michael plus she also seems nicer than him

**substitute boss:** tim, don’t you dare bring me into this

**cursed. demon boi:** hey that came from the distortion itself babe

**substitute boss:** :|

**cursed. demon boi:** anyway!

**cursed. demon boi:** simon fairchild 6/10. hes a very old man but he also seems like hes up for a lot of fun so im actually gonna score him decently. plus “the vast” hmmm? ;) ;) ;)

**cursed. demon boi:** mike crew 9/10. ditto with the vast, and he actually sounds like a nice enough dude for an avatar. also scars are sexy and hes got a lightning scar all over his back

**cursed. demon boi:** oliver banks 10/10. he seems like a pretty chill guy apart from the whole death visions thing, and also from what i can tell hes a looker so yea id do that

**marto kart:** No i dont agree with any of that ://

**cursed. demon boi:** lol marto

**cursed. demon boi:** just bc jon made one comment in passing

**cursed. demon boi:** i love seeing u jealous tho

**marto kart:** :///

**cursed. demon boi:** moving right along

**cursed. demon boi:** annabelle cane 6.5/10. look shes cute and shes got a funky haircut but im sorry shes got spiderwebs all over half her head and thats just fuckin gross

**marto kart:** Hey look, spiders are actually not that bad and i dont get why everyone hates them

**marto kart:** The big furry ones are actually kinda cute :)))

**ghost stabber:** martin u’re literally the only one who thinks that

**cursed. demon boi:** ^^^^

**marto kart:** :(((

**cursed. demon boi:** anyway these arent spiders these are manky cobwebs which are objectively disgusting

**marto kart:** Yeah thats true i guess

**cursed. demon boi:** maxwell rayner 0/10. ew bodyhopping old man

**cursed. demon boi:** jared hopworth 1/10. too beefy too jacked. like a muscular dude is good but the boi went wayy too far and has slipped entirely into uncanny valley territory. still the potential for flesh-related fun does give him that extra point

**ghost stabber:** for the record i fucking hate this so much

**ghost stabber:** never has a nickname been so accurate

**ghost stabber:** tim u are actually a fiend from hell and my brain will never recover from this

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed her nickname to _ **_scarred for life by timothy stoker_ **

**daisy:** you’re not the only one

**cursed. demon boi:** aw babes i aim to please

**cursed. demon boi:** nikola orsinov 3/10 but i hate the circus so. ughhhh okay if i try and look at it objectively shes got a good skincare routine and somehow being a plastic mannequin doesnt detract from the fact that theres smth sexy about her so objectively 7/10 but -1000/10 in my heart

**cursed. demon boi:** trevor herbert aka trevor the tramp 1/10. another old man??? why are there so many old men who are avatars??? still he kills vampires and thats kinda cool

**cursed. demon boi:** julia montauk 9/10. look theres smth intrinsically sexy abt the hunt im sorry i dont make the rules

**bomb defuser:** I hate that I’m saying this, but I’m with you on that one

**cursed. demon boi:** oh yeaaaa thats right 

**cursed. demon boi:** were kinda agreed that dais is hunt aligned arent we

**daisy:** can’t deny it

**cursed. demon boi:** fab so basira do u wanna take this one?

**bomb defuser:** No

**cursed. demon boi:** u trust me to do it??? babe im honoured

**bomb defuser:** Wait, I take that back

**cursed. demon boi:** too late! 

**daisy:** basira!

**bomb defuser:** I’m sorry! I didn’t think!

**cursed. demon boi:** daisy 8.5/10. very hot in a could punch me and id thank her and also she definitely would punch me kinda way. points detracted bc id 100% get tased if i ever followed up on it

**bomb defuser:** I’m glad you realise that

**daisy:** hm not as bad as i was expecting

**daisy:** you get a pass on that one, stoker

**cursed. demon boi:** <3

**cursed. demon boi:** so now we come to everyones fave

**cursed. demon boi:** our very own avatar of the eye jonathan sims the archivist

**marto kart:** Oh no oh fuck

**cursed. demon boi:** oh marto u sound like u might have some opinions here :)

**cursed. demon boi:** do u want to take over for this?

**marto kart:** I mean

**marto kart:** No??? 

**marto kart:** But also i dont trust you so

**marto kart:** I guess i have to but

**marto kart:** Tim whyyyy

**cursed. demon boi:** im sorry marto but that was Too Long

**cursed. demon boi:** i guess ill have to do this one

**cursed. demon boi:** jon 7/10. like hes kinda cute and all but hes permanently tired and the bags under his eyes are at risk of developing sentience. also, as previously discussed, negative arse :/

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** as previously discussed?? jesus tim

**cursed. demon boi:** o yea that was back when it was just me + sash + marto

**cursed. demon boi:** i need to update the archives arse rankings

**bomb defuser:** You really don’t

**substitute boss:** for what it’s worth, martin is biting his lip like he wants to say something but is forcing himself not to

**cursed. demon boi:** o thx for the visual sash!

**cursed. demon boi:** go ahead marto!

**marto kart:** Nono its. Its fine

**marto kart:** Im fine!!!

**marto kart:** But i gotta say that i am

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_Also scarred by tim stoker_ **

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** i mean i think we could all change our nicknames to that and it wouldn’t be wrong

**bomb defuser:** Well, we did all have to read that horrific breakdown

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ renamed the group “Collection Of Cursed Knowledge” _

**bomb defuser:** You’ve got that one right

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Ta :))

**bomb defuser:** The really disturbing thing is that it looks like a lot of thought has gone into it

**bomb defuser:** And he went through it so quickly, too

**bomb defuser:** Meaning that this isn’t a new thing, he’s been thinking about it for a while

**substitute boss:** yes, i think we can all agree that tim’s spent way too much time thinking about avatar fucking

**cursed. demon boi:** like u havent?

**substitute boss:** of course i haven’t!

**cursed. demon boi:** what the fuck do u spend ur days doing then??

**substitute boss:** actually working? like you’re meant to be?

**cursed. demon boi:** i dont know why were friends when our priorities r clearly so different

**daisy:** i don’t know why any of us are friends with you, stoker

**cursed. demon boi:** holy shit i think daisy just called me a friend

**cursed. demon boi:** it was rly roundabout and mostly an insult

**cursed. demon boi:** but she implied im her friend

**cursed. demon boi:** yall saw that right?????

**substitute boss:** saw what?

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** yeah idk what u’re talking about

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Wack

**cursed. demon boi:** why r u all so mean to meeee

**daisy:** bc you make it so easy

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Hey jon can you help settle an argument?

**Jonathan Sims:** alright

**Jonathan Sims:** go ahead

**Martin Blackwood:** Cool :))

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay so can spiders be cute???

**Martin Blackwood:** (Like, the big fuzzy ones :))) )

**Jonathan Sims:** no.

**Jonathan Sims:** no they can Not.

**Jonathan Sims:** they are not cute by any stretch of the imagination. No.

**Martin Blackwood:** Awww :(((

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin. I like you very much, but this is the most wrong you have ever been

**Martin Blackwood:** Aw jonnn :(((

**Jonathan Sims:** you know my feelings on spiders.

**Jonathan Sims:** why are you arguing about them?

**Martin Blackwood:** It came up in a discussion and none of the others agree with me :((

**Jonathan Sims:** quite right

**Jonathan Sims:** what sort of discussion?

**Martin Blackwood:** Trust me you really dont want to know

**Jonathan Sims:** well now I'm curious

**Martin Blackwood:** Its a tim thing

**Jonathan Sims:** oh.

**Jonathan Sims:** forget I said anything, then. 

**Martin Blackwood:** Thanks anyway though :))

\---

_ “Collection of Cursed Knowledge” _

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Oh also guys!!

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Jon agrees with me about spiders

**substitute boss:** ...yeah the yell of “no i don’t” from his office begs to differ

**cursed. demon boi:** boss keep ur googly eyes out of this chat!

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** jon what the fuck

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** u may have taken the kitchen knives but i still have my own

**cursed. demon boi:** ...huh

**bomb defuser:** You guys know I’m in the library and can’t hear any of what he’s saying

**substitute boss:** he said he’s not snooping on the chat

**substitute boss:** he just knows martin too well

**substitute boss:** hmmmmmm

**cursed. demon boi:** hmmmmmmmmmmm

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** You guys!!! Its just bc weve worked together for a while now

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Yeah sure i asked him about the spider thing but only bc i thought youd actually entertain the thought that spiders can be nice if it came from spooky google

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Ive talked to him about spiders before so he mightve realised id do something like that to make you listen 

**substitute boss:** martin

**substitute boss:** dearest precious martin

**substitute boss:** you forget that i was there with him when he literally put his fist through a wall to try and squash a spider

**cursed. demon boi:** ohoooo and look where that got us

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Ugh fuck worms

**substitute boss:** fuck worms for ever and ever and ever Amen

**substitute boss:** i can’t even think about it without shuddering

**substitute boss:** that was so fucking bad

**substitute boss:** they just came pouring out of the wall? terrible. so terrible.

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** i’m so glad i joined after that happened

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** as glad as i can be that i got stuck with a job i can’t actually fucking leave

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Anyway if were talking about things were glad about

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Im very very glad that jon cant actually see this chat

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** God fuck imagine how bad itd be if he saw those ratings????

**cursed. demon boi:** i apologise for 0

**cursed. demon boi:** the bossman knows what im like

**cursed. demon boi:** and he cant fire me ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** I guess but also i dont want him to see that youve only given him a 7????

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** I mean hes a 9 at least

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Maybe im biased but i dont care

**cursed. demon boi:** k im willing to take this upgrade into consideration if and only if u give me a full list of reasons

**substitute boss:** he’s right, martin

**substitute boss:** you need to justify why you're lobbying for two whole points of change

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Guysssss

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Isnt this rule 2?? :(((

**substitute boss:** we’re not being mean are we?

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** No youre fine but still :P

\---

**_Sasha James_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Sasha James:** just checking, are you okay with this?

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah im fine :))

**Martin Blackwood:** I know you guys are just teasing, id let you know if i was actually uncomfortable :))

**Sasha James:** okay, good :)

**Sasha James:** great! i’m not going to let you off the hook, then >:)

\---

_ “Collection Of Cursed Knowledge” _

**substitute boss:** so come on, then

**substitute boss:** support your reasoning, chicago references please

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Hhhhhh okay

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Also if i am doing this you have to put a quid in the jar 

**substitute boss:** yep, i’m on it

**cursed. demon boi:** ugh fine 

**bomb defuser:** Do I have to pay if I'm not asking, just enjoying the show? 

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Yes

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** okay we’ll all do it come on come on come on let’s hear it

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Okay but you cant complain about me gay pining if you literally asked for it

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Right so first of all his hair???? Im sorry but its just beautiful and if you cant see why then i dont think we can be friends anymore

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** It looks so soft and flowy and just right to put your fingers through, and the bits of silver actually really suit him

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Secondly: eyes. Christ his eyes are just. Theyre so intense???? In such a good way, they make you feel like the only thing in in the universe when he looks at you

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Thirdly, hes the perfect right size to be the little spoon

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Fourthly hes so serious and so intense usually but sometimes theres this lil bit of warmth and humour peeking through and its just so precious???? I die

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Fifthly you cannot tell me that his voice isnt the most gorgeous thing

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Supplemental to that he was in a band???? Thats ultimate sexy points

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** He was in a band as an immortal space pirate with so much eyeliner and even tho it was when he was at uni i dont care bc there is video footage and it is so so good

**daisy:** fucking christ please stop

**daisy:** i didn’t know what we were getting into opening those floodgates

**daisy:** just go in there and confess your love already please for all our sakes

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** You dont understand how much i cannot do that

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** There are reasons, daisy!!!!

**daisy:** oh sure there are

**daisy:** @Sasha remember what we discussed

**substitute boss:** oh, don’t worry, i’m thinking about it

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** ?????

**substitute boss:** it’s fine, martin, honestly :)

**cursed. demon boi:** okay yea i think thatll do

**cursed. demon boi:** i suppose ill bump him up to a 9 in light of that v v passionate defence

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Thank you!!!!

**substitute boss:** alright pals, babes, amigos and others, don’t forget to put your money in the jar

**substitute boss:** it’s coming up end of the month and there’s so many of us to buy drinks for now

**substitute boss:** your fuckups need to pull their weight

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** u say that like they’re not urs as well

**substitute boss:** i won’t dignify that with a response xx

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon im starting to worry that the others are planning something

**Martin Blackwood:** I mean i know they know ive had a crush on you since forever

**Martin Blackwood:** But i may have gone slightly overboard with the whole unrequited pining deal (even tho i only said what was absolutely 3000000% true) and im kinda concerned

**Martin Blackwood:** They were asking questions and daisy said something that made me worry that theyre gonna try and step in

**Jonathan Sims:** christ.

**Jonathan Sims:** ...I know you wouldn’t ask, but I’m not going to Know what they’re planning

**Jonathan Sims:** that’s an invasion of privacy

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh yeah no I totally agree

**Jonathan Sims:** but we’ll have to be on our guard.

**Jonathan Sims:** can I ask what sparked these questions?

**Martin Blackwood:** Same tim discussion as before

**Jonathan Sims:** ...

**Jonathan Sims:** there’s absolutely no logical connection between spiders and that.

**Jonathan Sims:** please tell me there is no connection between those topics of conversation

**Martin Blackwood:** Im so sorry but there is

**Jonathan Sims:** well, you have to tell me now.

**Martin Blackwood:** You really dont want to know :///

**Jonathan Sims:** apparently I’m an avatar of terrible knowledge, so I hope that’s the only thing that’s spurring on my curiosity here.

**Jonathan Sims:** but the fact remains. I need to know what the common thread is here

**Martin Blackwood:** .......Tim was rating the fuckability of the avatars im so sorry

**Jonathan Sims:** ah.

**Jonathan Sims:** I know I’ll regret asking this, but

**Martin Blackwood:** How did you rate?

**Jonathan Sims:** ...yes.

**Martin Blackwood:** This is why i had to defend your honour

**Martin Blackwood:** Bc tim said you were only a 7/10 and that just wasnt right

**Martin Blackwood:** I mightve said you were at least a 9 but that was a dirty lie

**Martin Blackwood:** Youll always be a 10 to me :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** likewise.

**Martin Blackwood:** :)))))

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, while I remember, are we still on for the V&A next Sunday?

**Martin Blackwood:** Absolutely!!! :))

**Martin Blackwood:** Christ it sounds so nerdy but im really looking forward to going to a museum with you :))

**Jonathan Sims:** if nerdy puts you off, I think you need to quit while you’re still ahead

**Martin Blackwood:** I was somehow even more gone for you after you went on about emulsifiers when we all went for icecream that time so i think were pretty good on that front :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** glad to hear it.

**Martin Blackwood:** :))

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Timothy Stoker:** well ill admit that didnt work quite as planned but i think we all learnt smth

**Sasha James:** out of curiosity, what was the plan?

**Timothy Stoker:** marto would get offended on jons behalf and go to his office n theyd have a talk and realise feelings

**Melanie King:** well that didn’t happen

**daisy:** yeah instead we all had to read the truly fucking horrifying buildup

**daisy:** the payoff was Not worth that by any stretch of the imagination

**Timothy Stoker:** come on

**Timothy Stoker:** we got marto to put what he feels for the bossman into words

**Timothy Stoker:** which is a start at least

**Georgie Barker:** oh no the real first step is to get jon to actually admit to having an emotion

**Georgie Barker:** don’t worry, i’ll work on him :)

**Sasha James:** we stan one (1) queen

**Melanie King:** g u’re a lifesaver

**Melanie King:** literally i’m not sure how much more of this i can handle

**Melanie King:** if u can in any way get him to open up i’ll be in ur debt forever and i’ll even stop complaining when u hog all the blankets on shitty tv nights

**Georgie Barker:** good to know i’m appreciated :)

**Georgie Barker:** and that’s actually a very good incentive, melanie :P

**Timothy Stoker:** k we gotta get this back on track bc! thats not all we learnt!

**Melanie King:** oh sorry for taking the spotlight off u for two entire seconds :-P

**Timothy Stoker:** apology accepted

**Timothy Stoker:** we also learnt that the boss knows marto well enough to predict what hed say in the gc hmm,,,,,,,,

**Sasha James:** there is that

**Sasha James:** there is very much that

**Georgie Barker:** yep i’m definitely going to have a good hard chat to him

**Melanie King:** thank u sm <3

**Georgie Barker:** anything to keep the team running smoothly <3

**daisy:** this had better work

**daisy:** bc if it doesn’t, i can’t guarantee i won’t knock their idiot pining heads together

\---

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to  _ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** Okay, you know how I try to never go back on my word

**Alice Tonner:** ofc

**Basira Hussain:** But I think this is too important

**Basira Hussain:** My silence was bought by a biscuit and raisin yorkie, but I think I’ll have to break that promise just so you don’t do anything drastic

**Alice Tonner:** oh this sounds good

**Basira Hussain:** I’m telling you this in absolute strictest confidence, you can’t tell any of the others

**Alice Tonner:** ofc

**Basira Hussain:** Martin’s poetry? That he was recording in one of the storage rooms?

**Basira Hussain:** I heard a little bit of it, before I got too caught up in my book

**Basira Hussain:** It wasn’t pining sort of poetry

**Basira Hussain:** It was the sort of poetry you’d write for someone else. I mean, to give to someone else.

**Alice Tonner:** no

**Basira Hussain:** Yes

**Alice Tonner:** you’re thinking that

**Basira Hussain:** I am

**Alice Tonner:** what do we do with this?

**Basira Hussain:** I’m not sure yet

**Alice Tonner:** even if this wasn’t in confidence, we’re not telling the others

**Alice Tonner:** i want to see the looks on their faces when they find it out for themselves

**Basira Hussain:** Oh, absolutely

\---

5:12 P.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** heyyyy jon

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie? what’s up?

**Georgie Barker:** we need to have a talk

**Jonathan Sims:** oh no

**Jonathan Sims:** I know that tone of message and it never ends well 

**Georgie Barker:** rude

**Jonathan Sims:** accurate.

**Georgie Barker:** not in this case i hope!

**Georgie Barker:** look we need to do this in person 

**Georgie Barker:** i know you’re too tired after work and i’m busy recording all this coming weekend so how does next weekend sound? we can do something fun as well to make up for me giving you the third degree :)

**Georgie Barker:** we haven’t done anything in the city for ages, maybe a museum visit?

**Georgie Barker:** how does next sunday work for you?

**Jonathan Sims:** I

**Jonathan Sims:** I can’t do that.

**Georgie Barker:** don’t tell me you’re working on the weekend, jon!!

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m not

**Jonathan Sims:** I have other plans.

**Georgie Barker:** bullshit

**Georgie Barker:** you never have “other plans” on a weekend

**Jonathan Sims:** well, next weekend, I do

**Georgie Barker:** hmph. don’t think you can get out of this one that easily

**Georgie Barker:** the next weekend, then.

**Jonathan Sims:** I can manage that.

**Georgie Barker:** good

**Georgie Barker:** but if you change your mind and your “plans” fall through

**Georgie Barker:** i’ll be around the v&a next sunday anyway so send me a message if you want to meet up and talk

**Jonathan Sims:** ...

**Georgie Barker:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well clearly this whole secret relationship dealio was going to come crashing down at some point....... I'm very excited for the next chapter, and I don't think it'll turn out entirely as you expect >:)  
> Also, if you haven't seen it yet, click through to the next work in this series for some companion ficlets from Elias's POV! I love writing Elias getting dunked on, so any time something terrible happens to him in this fic, you'll hear him moaning about it and getting 0 sympathy over on the other fic :)


	16. super c4 scavenger hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Georgie Barker:** the point is, you're toph  
>  **Melanie King:** reasoning?   
> **Georgie Barker:** you're short, very badass, and you've made at least 4 jokes re sporking your eyes out  
>  **Georgie Barker:** also melon lord is pretty much the same thing as melanie king  
>  **Georgie Barker:** think about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will not go how you expect :)

Wednesday, 9:47 P.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Melanie King_ **

**Georgie Barker:** so i've been rewatching atla and i've come to the conclusion that you're absolutely toph

**Melanie King:** have u been avoiding reviewing the edit again? 

**Georgie Barker:** ........potentially

**Melanie King:** it doesn't get any better the longer you put it off

**Melanie King:** going over videos at 3am is the part of ghuk i've been happiest to leave behind

**Georgie Barker:** ughhh you're not my mum :P

**Melanie King:** i should fkn hope not ;-)

**Georgie Barker:** oh, you :P

**Georgie Barker:** but that's not the point

**Georgie Barker:** the point is, you're toph

**Melanie King:** reasoning? 

**Georgie Barker:** you're short, very badass, and you've made at least 4 jokes re sporking your eyes out

**Georgie Barker:** also melon lord is pretty much the same thing as melanie king

**Georgie Barker:** think about it

**Melanie King:** i was entirely on board until that last point :-P

**Melanie King:** but yeah toph is great so i'll take that

**Georgie Barker:** :)

**Melanie King:** tim is sokka

**Georgie Barker:** you're toph, sasha is katara, tim is sokka, yeah

**Georgie Barker:** jon is literally an avatar but he's definitely not aang

**Georgie Barker:** he's got enough angst for zuko

**Melanie King:** oh absolutely

**Georgie Barker:** martin is aang

**Georgie Barker:** i’m the uncle iroh to jon’s zuko

**Melanie King:** ahaha ofc u are

**Georgie Barker:** i don’t know daisy and basira as well tho

**Melanie King:** oh basira is suki

**Georgie Barker:** nice one

**Melanie King:** daisy, though...

**Melanie King:** i’ll have to ask the others bc i'm honestly drawing a blank

**Georgie Barker:** lol fantastic

**Melanie King:** i’m going to change all the names in the work chat

**Georgie Barker:** aw hell yes

**Georgie Barker:** make sure you tell jon i’m uncle iroh

**Melanie King:** will do

**Melanie King:** i’ll do it at work tomorrow

**Melanie King:** love not doing work at work

**Georgie Barker:** best way to do it

**Georgie Barker:** you still good to come over tomorrow night?

**Melanie King:** ofc

**Melanie King:** the admiral needs his second mum

**Melanie King:** i need the good pad thai from the place near u

**Melanie King:** (hungarian next time?)

**Georgie Barker:** (ooh yes please)

**Melanie King:** and we still need to finish derry girls

**Georgie Barker:** fab

**Georgie Barker:** speaking of derry girls

**Georgie Barker:** you’re my wee lesbian :)

**Melanie King:** 2 short jokes in the same convo

**Melanie King:** i am appalled and horrified 

**Georgie Barker:** :)

**Melanie King:** u’re my wee lesbian too even though u’re a fuckin giraffe

**Georgie Barker:** i shared a flat with jon once upon a time

**Georgie Barker:** one of us had to be able to reach the top shelf

**Melanie King:** lol

**Melanie King:** plus u’re the best big spoon

**Georgie Barker:** awww you’re the best little spoon

**Georgie Barker:** okay i’ve really gotta look over this edit ughhhh

**Georgie Barker:** see you tomorrow :)

**Melanie King:** see u then :-)

\---

Thursday, 9:11 A.M.

**ranger:** courtesy of our very own georgie barker

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_aang_ **

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_katara_ **

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_sokka_ **

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_zuko_ **

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_toph_ **

**barbarian:** oh are we doing atla? amazing

**sokka:** u know atla?????

**barbarian:** sure

**barbarian:** i used to destress by watching it after bad shifts

**barbarian:** and if any of you have anything to say about that you can fight me

**sokka:** nope i think i can speak for all of us when i say

**sokka:** im good

**barbarian:** anyway

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_momo_ **

**sokka:** the fuck

**toph:** that is

**toph:** that is not what i would have picked for u

**paladin:** Oh, she’ll tell you why

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ sent an image _

[Image ID: the ATLA if Momo had a gun meme]

**sokka:** omg

**momo:** i rest my case

**momo:** also a (not so) friendly reminder that i am happy to solve all this archive’s problems if you just let me shoot el*as

**zuko:** Daisy (and Melanie by extension), we’ve already been through this

**zuko:** we can make his life hell, but no actual killing, please.

**momo:** ugh fine

**sokka:** o dais i thought of smth else for why ur momo

**sokka:** ur hunt and hunt avatars are furries thats just how it goes

**momo:** oi

**sokka:** u brought this on urself dais :)

**momo:** stoker i will not hesitate

**paladin:** Um, excuse me?

**paladin:** Feeling slightly left out

**toph:** ah fuck sorry basira! doing it now

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ ’s nickname to _ **_suki_ **

**suki:** Thanks

**_Melanie King_ ** _ renamed the group “archives gaang” _

**toph:** oh and g wanted me to tell u all that she’s uncle iroh to jon’s zuko

**zuko:** ...that’s annoyingly accurate.

**toph:** oh we know

**katara:** el*as is ozai

**sokka:** omg ofc he is

**sokka:** ..........hey marto

**aang:** Oh no

**sokka:** what can i offer u to say “no, el*as, ur not wearing pants” to bitchard the next time u meet w him

**aang:** Tim omgggg

**aang:** Holy shit thats incredible

**aang:** 100% ill do it for free omggg

**sokka:** i didnt think ud actually say yes ahahaha 

**aang:** Whats he gonna do, fire me?

**sokka:** precious child

**sokka:** melanie and i have taught u well

**zuko:** I'll give you a tape recorder

**aang:** Next time I see him I'll let you know :)))

\---

Monday, 10:03 A.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Tim, I’ve found a few statements relating to the circus, did you want to go through them?

**Timothy Stoker:** yeah.

**Timothy Stoker:** ill be there in a sec

**Timothy Stoker:** thanks, boss 

\---

Wednesday, 3:49 P.M.

_ “Collection Of Cursed Knowledge” _

**cursed. demon boi:** k so fuck the stranger

**cursed. demon boi:** like, really really fuck em

**cursed. demon boi:** up the butt with a rusty frying pan

**substitute boss:** christ tim i’m gonna stop you there before we get any more graphic imagery

**substitute boss:** what’s up

**cursed. demon boi:** so the bossman gave me a bunch of files on mon to go through

**cursed. demon boi:** theres some ritual thing it tried to do???

**cursed. demon boi:** fuckin terrible but luckily it got Ended pretty fkn conclusively

**cursed. demon boi:** yall come look

\---

3:58 P.M.

**daisy:** well, i like the style

**daisy:** can’t go wrong with a cannon or two

**bomb defuser:** I feel like we should start stocking up on C4 just in case something like this happens again

**substitute boss:** knowing what we know now about gertrude, it wouldn’t surprise me if she had some tucked away somewhere

**cursed. demon boi:** omg lads lads lads

**cursed. demon boi:** £20 for the person who finds gertrudes c4

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** u’re on

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “super c4 scavenger hunt” _

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Omg tim perfect

\---

Sunday, 10:18 A.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m sorry, Martin, but I can’t do the museum today

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s such short notice, and I do apologise

**Jonathan Sims:** but I really can’t make it.

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh no jon that sucks :(((

**Martin Blackwood:** But thats okay, we can do something another time

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you, I’d like that

**Martin Blackwood:** :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** What are you caught up in? Can i help with anything?

**Jonathan Sims:** ah, no. probably not.

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ve been very slightly kidnapped by Nikola Orsinov

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon what the fuck???

**Jonathan Sims:** should be back by tonight

**Jonathan Sims:** dinner?

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon!!!!!!

**Martin Blackwood:** How are you so calm when youve literally been kidnapped??????

**Jonathan Sims:** *slightly* kidnapped

**Martin Blackwood:** What does that even mean????

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s looking fairly friendly? like they’ve kidnapped me to talk, not to kill me

**Martin Blackwood:** I mean thats good at least but jon!!!!

**Martin Blackwood:** Its still kidnapping!!!!!

**Martin Blackwood:** How are you so calm???? Im not calm, and im not the one whos been “slightly” kidnapped!!

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m not sure

**Jonathan Sims:** I've been through so much already, it feels like this might as well happen

**Martin Blackwood:** Aaaaaaaaa

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ll be back later, I promise

**Jonathan Sims:** don’t tell the others? 

**Jonathan Sims:** I mean, if I’m not back in a day then tell them, yes

**Jonathan Sims:** it looks like I’m in an old wax museum, not exactly sure where, I’m sorry

**Jonathan Sims:** but if nothing goes catastrophically wrong, I’ll be okay

**Martin Blackwood:** Yes, everyones okay until something goes wrong jon!!!

**Martin Blackwood:** I just worry that many things could go hmmmm “catastrophically wrong” when youve been fucking kidnapped!!!!

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin, I’ll be fine.

**Jonathan Sims:** but please, don’t tell the others. particularly Tim.

**Jonathan Sims:** he’d take this... personally.

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh and i fucking wont????

**Jonathan Sims:** yes, but I trust you to have more restraint

**Jonathan Sims:** and I already had plans with you today, it would be rude to stand you up with no explanation

**Jonathan Sims:** and I know you’d worry if I didn’t show up. or doubt yourself. and I don’t want either of those things to happen.

**Jonathan Sims:** so. I’m fine, and I will be fine, but I’m... somewhat indisposed for the next little while

**Martin Blackwood:** Thanks for letting me know, at least?

**Martin Blackwood:** Im still going to worry tho

**Jonathan Sims:** ...yes, I suspected that might happen

**Jonathan Sims:** but please try your best not to

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon you know i actually cannot promise that

**Martin Blackwood:** Stay safe okay <333

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ll try, I promise

**Martin Blackwood:** Thank you <33

**Jonathan Sims:** she’s giving me a look and I don’t want to antagonise her unduly

**Jonathan Sims:** I have to go

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon please

**Jonathan Sims:** I love you

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon!!!!!

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon i

**Martin Blackwood:** Jesus shitting christ oh jon

**Martin Blackwood:** I love you too

\---

5:14 P.M.

**Martin Blackwood:** God you still havent read the message or been online and its getting late and im so worried

**Martin Blackwood:** Please come back safe so i can say it to you in person

**Martin Blackwood:** Please

\---

5:59 P.M.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Um georgie i need a bit of help

**Georgie Barker:** oh?

**Georgie Barker:** shoot

**Martin Blackwood:** Im guessing you have a lot of experience with taking care of an absolutely wiped jon??

**Georgie Barker:** oh do i ever

**Martin Blackwood:** So hypothetically if a hypothetical avatar of the spiral opened a door in your flat and hypothetically dropped off your boss whod been hypothetically kidnapped and is hypothetically sound asleep on your couch

**Martin Blackwood:** What would you do??

**Georgie Barker:** i’m sorry what the shit

**Martin Blackwood:** Hypothetically

**Georgie Barker:** text me your address i’m coming over rn

**Martin Blackwood:** Im in stockwell, ill share location 

**Georgie Barker:** omw

\---

6:06 P.M.

**Georgie Barker:** i’m waiting for the tube, i shouldn’t be too long

**Georgie Barker:** what happened?

**Georgie Barker:** catch me up before i get there

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay so first of all jon texted in the morning to let me know that he wouldnt be able to make it this afternoon

**Georgie Barker:** ...oh?

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh yeah um

**Martin Blackwood:** We were going to meet at the v&a actually, just hang out for a bit

**Georgie Barker:** oh my god you were “other plans”

**Georgie Barker:** hah holy shit i might have actually run into you, i was around there earlier

**Georgie Barker:** “other plans” my hole

**Martin Blackwood:** ????

**Georgie Barker:** oh lol

**Georgie Barker:** i wanted to catch up with him today too, but he said he had “other plans”

**Georgie Barker:** .......guess you were those plans, huh

**Georgie Barker:** but i’m getting distracted

**Georgie Barker:** what happened to jon?

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah so he told me that he couldnt make it bc hed been kidnapped by nikola orsinov

**Martin Blackwood:** Avatar of the stranger

**Martin Blackwood:** I think shes actually a plastic mannequin?? And apparently she dresses like a circus ringmaster 

**Martin Blackwood:** Anyway im not sure exactly what happened bc jon pretty much clapped out as soon as he got here

**Martin Blackwood:** So after he messaged me i pretty much spent the entire day stressing

**Martin Blackwood:** And he said hed be back for dinner but i mean its hard to believe in “oh yeah ive been kidnapped but i should be back by this evening” even when the spooky isnt involved

**Martin Blackwood:** And when other avatars are part of it it gets even worse

**Martin Blackwood:** I mustve drunk about 500000 cups of tea and knitted enough to cover my entire flat

**Georgie Barker:** understandable

**Georgie Barker:** i would have had somewhere in the region of 60 heart attacks

**Martin Blackwood:** Yup dont worry i did that too

**Martin Blackwood:** And just as i was about to start really panicking the door opened

**Martin Blackwood:** Not any of my doors, i mean

**Martin Blackwood:** Helens door. Or michaels door, i guess

**Martin Blackwood:** But helen came out this time, and she was holding jon in a bridal carry

**Georgie Barker:** omg

**Georgie Barker:** this isn't the time but did you get pictures? 

**Martin Blackwood:** No unfortunately :(((

**Martin Blackwood:** It was sweet but i was also very worried so

**Martin Blackwood:** He was mumbling that he was fine, just tired

**Martin Blackwood:** Helen put him on the couch and told me that hed worn himself out using his archivist powers or something

**Martin Blackwood:** He grumbled a bit at that but didnt disagree

**Martin Blackwood:** And said that she thought this would be the best place for him, put him on the couch, grinned at me then left

**Martin Blackwood:** So now hes lying on my couch half asleep and im panicking a little bit and v out of my depth so i thought id message you

**Georgie Barker:** good call, i have a lot of experience spooning chicken noodle soup into a half-asleep jon so he eats and doesnt choke

**Georgie Barker:** okay i think i’m here! which number are you?

**Martin Blackwood:** 2.10

**Georgie Barker:** fab i’m outside your door :)

\---

9:45 P.M.

**Georgie Barker:** sooooo...

**Martin Blackwood:** Omg dont say anything to the others please please

**Georgie Barker:** dw, i won’t

**Georgie Barker:** but you two were so cute :)

**Georgie Barker:** congrats :)

**Martin Blackwood:** Thanks :))

**Georgie Barker:** how’s he doing?

**Martin Blackwood:** Hes sound asleep (adorably) and i think im going to head to bed too

**Martin Blackwood:** Its early but god today was so stressful

**Georgie Barker:** valid! night martin

**Georgie Barker:** and congrats again :)

**Martin Blackwood:** <33

\---

Monday, 9:04 A.M.

_ “archives gaang” _

**sokka:** what the fuck are these

**zuko:** skincare products, apparently

**toph:** the “apparently” disturbs me

**toph:** jon do u not know what moisturiser is

**sokka:** im sorry let me be more specific

**sokka:** why the fuck do we all have lil baggies of skincare stuff

**zuko:** because Nikola Orsinov thinks my skin is terrible and gave me so much moisturiser

**zuko:** I’m sharing it out because I literally can’t use it all in my entire lifetime

**toph:** i mean she’s not wrong, ur skin is a mess

**sokka:** wait what the FUCK

**sokka:** u met nikola orsinov

**sokka:** plastic bitch nikola orsinov

**sokka:** and ur somehow on easy breezy good enough terms for her to give u moisturiser????

**sokka:** there had better be a good explanation

**zuko:** she kidnapped me.

**sokka:** oh k

**sokka:** wait, she kidnapped u?

**zuko:** yes. but it’s not as bad as it sounds

**zuko:** they kidnapped me because they thought I wouldn’t listen to them otherwise

**zuko:** which is fair enough

**zuko:** I wouldn’t.

**zuko:** but I used my...

**toph:** c’mon say it say it say it

**toph:** call it the spooky

**zuko:** I will not. but I compelled her to tell the truth.

**zuko:** I believe her. I mean, I would have known if she lied.

**zuko:** they think that El*as is up to something. she wouldn’t say what. but none of the other avatars want him to go ahead with it.

**zuko:** but she wanted me to be on the lookout. to try and obstruct him

**toph:** business as usual, then

**zuko:** indeed. and then she said my skin was terrible, and she sent Breekon and Hope out to get me... well, all of that.

**katara:** wow

**suki:** Well, we knew about El*as

**suki:** But it’s concerning that other avatars think it’s dangerous enough to intervene 

**zuko:** agreed.

**suki:** Is there anything we can do? Anything we can investigate?

**katara:** yeah i’ll see if there’s something i can look into to get info on el*as

**katara:** he’s probably paranoid as fuck but i have ways and means :)

**katara:** also if he’s connected to peter lukas, there’s another angle i can try

**aang:** Sasha james the ultimate hacker at it again :)))

**katara:** that’s me :)

**katara:** jon, if something comes up, would you be okay with compelling someone to tell the truth again?

**zuko:** yes.

**zuko:** I’m getting a handle on all of this, and I want answers as much as any of you.

**aang:** Jon dont you dare do it for another full day tho

**aang:** It completely wiped you out and thats Not Good

**zuko:** Martin, the more I use it, the stronger I get, and the tighter my control is.

**aang:** I dont care

**aang:** Build it up in little bits or something

**aang:** But youre no good to anyone, least of all yourself, if you push yourself to breaking point

**zuko:** Martin.

**momo:** what he said

**katara:** ^^^^

**suki:** I agree.

**toph:** i will physically stop u if it comes to it

**zuko:** why do I feel like you’re all ganging up on me?

**aang:** Bc we are :)))

**zuko:** hmph.

**zuko:** now if you’ll all excuse me. I think I have to have a word with Tim.

\---

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m not sure if you’ll be mad at me for bringing this up, but I had to ask her, and you deserve to know the answer.

**Jonathan Sims:** she didn’t apologise for Danny. I’m sorry, Tim.

**Jonathan Sims:** ...avatars don’t apologise for things, it seems. I

**Jonathan Sims:** I don’t really know what words there are.

**Jonathan Sims:** but I’m truly sorry for what she did to you

**Jonathan Sims:** she did offer to make you something out of his skin, but I declined on your behalf. I didn’t think you’d want anything other than the real Danny.

**Timothy Stoker:** yea ur right on that one boss

**Timothy Stoker:** fuck

**Timothy Stoker:** thanks anyway

**Timothy Stoker:** dw ive already come to terms w danny being gone

**Timothy Stoker:** so yea im sad but its not like losing him again

**Timothy Stoker:** and i dont think i want to blow up nikola? at least she gave u some kind of warning so thats not entirely shit

**Timothy Stoker:** plus she wants me to keep pranking bitchard so im kinda cool w that

**Timothy Stoker:** its stuff to process tho

**Timothy Stoker:** might start seeing that therapist again

**Timothy Stoker:** but ill be alright boss

**Jonathan Sims:** if there's anything I can do, or we in the archives can do, please let me know

**Jonathan Sims:** I am sorry that the Stranger did this to you and your family

**Timothy Stoker:** lol and u say that avatars dont apologise

**Timothy Stoker:** uv apologised so much ever since we all came to terms with

**Timothy Stoker:** u know

**Timothy Stoker:** spooky google

**Timothy Stoker:** all jokes aside 

**Timothy Stoker:** ur so human compared to all the others and we can all tell that ur very deliberately staying u and trying to be kind and everything u r and theyre not

**Timothy Stoker:** so i trust u

**Timothy Stoker:** i mean, i dont trust u to get more than 3hrs sleep a night

**Timothy Stoker:** but with all this

**Timothy Stoker:** i fuckin hate the stranger but if u think nikola would be on our side against bitchard i think i can get over it

**Timothy Stoker:** and i trust u with being u

**Timothy Stoker:** got ur back

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Tim, that means a lot.

**Timothy Stoker:** :)

**Timothy Stoker:** right well that was way too fuckin heavy for a monday morning so im taking early break and going to costa bc i need a Lot of caffeine rn

**Jonathan Sims:** very fair.

**Timothy Stoker:** get u anyth?

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you for the offer 

**Jonathan Sims:** but no, thanks

**Timothy Stoker:** ohhhhh ofc 

**Timothy Stoker:** u dont wanna miss out on martins tea gotchu gotchu

**Timothy Stoker:** :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

**Jonathan Sims:** I think I’d have preferred it if you were angry.

**Timothy Stoker:** nahhh u love me xx

**Jonathan Sims:** unfortunately, i do find myself caring about you all 

**Jonathan Sims:** this “friendship” business is disgusting

**Jonathan Sims:** I keep feeling things in my upper chest. I think I’m allergic 

**Timothy Stoker:** lol boss

**Timothy Stoker:** we all love u too :)

\---

_ “super c4 scavenger hunt” _

**substitute boss:** okay, but can you imagine breekon and hope? in a boots? buying all that moisturiser?

**substitute boss:** what a great mental image

**bomb defuser:** They’re the two fake Cockney delivery guys, right?

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** and are built like fridges, yup

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** a fridge with a lil boiled egg head on top

**cursed. demon boi:** melanie uv fuckin got it

**cursed. demon boi:** thats exactly it lol

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Tim!!! <33

**substitute boss:** you doing okay?

**cursed. demon boi:** yea

**cursed. demon boi:** boss n i had a talk and everythings cool :)

**cursed. demon boi:** im not torn up abt danny and the bossman is reassured that we actually like him and think hes a person

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Yeah i think thats what scared him more than anything

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** That wed think hes just like nikola or el*as

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** But hes not and we all think hes great!!!

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** And anyone who thinks different can catch these hands!!!

**daisy:** martin

**daisy:** fighting you would be like fighting a marshmallow

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** no actually he can very much hold his own

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** speaking from personal experience unfortunately

**substitute boss:** plus there’s the psychological damage

**substitute boss:** can you imagine the guilt?? it would be like kicking a puppy

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** :))))

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** See i know what im doing :)))

**substitute boss:** ...yeah it also seemed like you know a few other things hmmm

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Oh no

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Sasha James:** lads did it seem like martin knew a few... personal things about what happened with jon?

**Sasha James:** plus he was also getting pushy in the “i’m going to forcibly take care of you for your own good” way that i thought he was still too worried to do around jon

**Melanie King:** yeah i noticed that too

**Georgie Barker:** ohohoho love

**Basira Hussain:** @Georgie you know?

**Georgie Barker:** oh yep

**Georgie Barker:** you too?

**daisy:** both of us.

**Georgie Barker:** ;)

**Sasha James:** know what???

**Timothy Stoker:** omg spill you Guys 

**Timothy Stoker:** im feeling betrayed

**Timothy Stoker:** i thought we had a code

**Timothy Stoker:** a code of honour!

**Basira Hussain:** ...

**Melanie King:** g we’re not getting hungarian for a month if u don’t stop being cryptic 

**Georgie Barker:** dammit

**Georgie Barker:** well...

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ is typing... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, life happened--and certain parts of this took a while to write--but it's done! And oh boy, it's a long one :D  
> Okay, there were three little words in this chapter (seven if you count Martin's response) that I was stressing over... It feels very soon, and I know Word Of God says that Jon is too emotionally constipated to say them, but. a) they've both been pining for months, b) I think the feelings are there, c) if you can't drop an incredibly badly-timed declaration of love when you've just been kidnapped, when can you?, d) everyone's more communicative in this fic, and e) it's my fic and these boys deserve to be in love and happy :P  
> Also! If anyone has ideas for things that might happen in this madness, shoot me a comment! I'm always happy to be inspired by other ideas :D


	17. operation wasteland: active mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Jonathan Sims:** so.  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** I believe there is a group chat dedicated to my relationship with Martin. and there appears to be a plan involving handcuffs.  
>  **Georgie Barker:** ...there may be  
>  **Georgie Barker:** why are you asking?   
> **Jonathan Sims:** will you be our mole in said group chat?  
>  **Georgie Barker:** yes yes yes omg yes  
>  **Georgie Barker:** that’s your plotting shenanigans tone of message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry if I made any of you worry last chapter! Georgie won't betray the boys' trust :)  
> That said, this chapter involves karaoke, and plans within plans within plans...

Monday, 9:31 A.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Georgie Barker:** hey, martin

**Georgie Barker:** so... the others are asking if stuff happened yesterday, and i don’t want to tell them anything you don’t want me to

**Georgie Barker:** but can i tell them about when you tried to give jon the chamomile tea?

**Georgie Barker:** bc that was funny and cute as heck

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahhh let me check with jon

**Martin Blackwood:** Yep its fine!! Jon says try not to make him look too bad but he was smiling as he said it so

**Martin Blackwood:** Also its impossible to make him look bad bc hes so sweet when hes that incredibly tired so i think youre in the clear :)))

**Georgie Barker:** ahh you’re a love :)

**Georgie Barker:** honestly tho i reckon you should tell them soon

**Georgie Barker:** they’re really cheering you on

**Martin Blackwood:** Really?

**Georgie Barker:** yeah! if you’re worried about it being weird i really think they don’t care!

**Georgie Barker:** we all just want to see you two be happy :)

**Martin Blackwood:** :)))

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Georgie Barker:** right so these two dumbasses have the right to get their shit together in their own time so i’m not going to infringe on that

**Georgie Barker:** but what i will say is that helen was wingmanning again

**Georgie Barker:** wingwomanning? wingdistortioning?

**Melanie King:** yeah any of those

**Georgie Barker:** i think she got jon out of wherever he was being kidnapped? and just decided to drop him off at martins

**Sasha James:** omg

**Georgie Barker:** yeah! so martin texted me bc he thought (correctly) that i know how to handle extremely tired jon

**Georgie Barker:** and together we got him to eat something and generally let us know what happened

**Georgie Barker:** so i think that forcibly looking after him then unlocked all of martin’s “you will take care of yourself Or Else” lol

**Georgie Barker:** it’s the mum friend instinct i think

**Georgie Barker:** and no matter what the professional relationship is, i’m pretty sure if someone’s in as much of a state as jon was last night, martin will very nicely bully them into actually treating themselves well

**Georgie Barker:** that’s the biggest vibe i get from him

**Sasha James:** that checks out

**Sasha James:** hey tim remember when he caught you mainlining espresso at the end of our first week in the archives

**Timothy Stoker:** omg

**Timothy Stoker:** yea that was an experience

**Timothy Stoker:** u never expect martin to lecture u? but he gets sad and disappointed and by the end of it i felt like id punched a teddy bear

**Timothy Stoker:** so ofc i promised never to do it again and he beamed at me and said thank u

**Georgie Barker:** and did you ever do it again?

**Timothy Stoker:** ofc not???? 

**Timothy Stoker:** he looks so sweet and innocent 

**Timothy Stoker:** and he is, its all genuine

**Timothy Stoker:** but he knows exactly what hes doing

**Georgie Barker:** yeah i got that impression too

**Georgie Barker:** anyway the best moment of the night was when martin thought jon needed a Calming Beverage

**Georgie Barker:** and tried to give him chamomile tea

**Sasha James:** oh no jon is a classic english breakfast only kinda guy

**Georgie Barker:** yes exactly

**Georgie Barker:** i mean he’s got his own funky spiced blends, but he doesn’t trust anyone else to make them right

**Georgie Barker:** so even though it seems pretty agreed that martin makes the absolute best tea in the universe or so i hear

**Georgie Barker:** (jon has told me as much many many times)

**Georgie Barker:** he can be very particular

**Melanie King:** this surprises me in 0 way

**Georgie Barker:** yup

**Georgie Barker:** so martin comes over with a mug

**Georgie Barker:** jon is bundled in a blanket like a grumpy burrito

**Georgie Barker:** and he kinda sniffs the air and his face scrunches up

**Georgie Barker:** and goes “what. is that.”

**Georgie Barker:** martin: chamomile tea, it’ll help you relax!

**Georgie Barker:** jon: i fail to see how boiled lawn clippings will help me relax, martin. i’m not drinking that.

**Georgie Barker:** martin starts to protest

**Georgie Barker:** jon: you know how to brew a very pleasant cup of tea perfectly well, martin. and that abomination? is not it.

**Georgie Barker:** martin is starting to blush and it’s really quite sweet, but he pulls it together enough to say “jon, you don’t need any sort of caffeine at the moment, this will be good for you”

**Georgie Barker:** and jon sorta scowls

**Georgie Barker:** jon: i am your boss, martin. i could have you fired for this.

**Georgie Barker:** but as we all know: a) he can’t fire anyone from the archives, b) even if he could, he would never fire martin, and c) he’s so worn out and he’s tiny and he’s wrapped in a fluffy blanket so he looks about as intimidating as a kitten

**Georgie Barker:** martin’s biting his lip so hard so he doesn’t laugh

**Georgie Barker:** and he sits next to jon with the tea and jon full-on glares at this inoffensive mug with a daisy on it

**Georgie Barker:** martin just smiles and keeps holding it out calmly

**Georgie Barker:** eventually jon sticks a hand out from his blanket pile, takes the mug and has a sip

**Georgie Barker:** his entire face scrunches up

**Georgie Barker:** and he gives martin this flat look and very deliberately puts the mug on the floor

**Georgie Barker:** martin counters with a flat look of his own

**Georgie Barker:** there’s a not insignificant amount of nonverbal communication going on here 

**Georgie Barker:** then jon smiles a tiny bit and shuts his eyes

**Georgie Barker:** and in literal moments he’s properly asleep and very slightly leaning against martin’s shoulder

**Georgie Barker:** martin just looks at me and sighs

**Melanie King:** so they’re being v domestic

**Melanie King:** and yet!

**Melanie King:** fucking hell is it that hard for these two idiots to confess they have feelings jesus fuckin christ

**Sasha James:** yeah apparently

**daisy:** just lmk

**daisy:** very keen to cuff them until they get their act together

\---

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to  _ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** Daisy, the whole reason I broke my yorkie-paid-for silence was so you... wouldn’t do that?

**Alice Tonner:** i know but

**Alice Tonner:** cmon basira

**Alice Tonner:** you can’t tell me it won’t be fun to see those two idiots cuffed together

**Alice Tonner:** they might actually have to admit things to everyone

**Basira Hussain:** Yeah, good point

**Basira Hussain:** Alright then

**Alice Tonner:** mint

\---

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Basira Hussain:** You know, know, right?

**Georgie Barker:** yeah

**Georgie Barker:** and so do you and daisy

**Basira Hussain:** Yeah

**Georgie Barker:** and you haven’t said?

**Basira Hussain:** No, they deserve their privacy

**Basira Hussain:** Besides, it’s fun seeing the others try to work it out

**Georgie Barker:** my thoughts exactly

**Basira Hussain:** We’re still going to go ahead with the cuffing though

**Georgie Barker:** fuck it’ll be funny

**Basira Hussain:** Exactly

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Timothy Stoker:** i second the cuffing

**Melanie King:** thirded

**Sasha James:** ...yeah, if we don’t do it, they’ll never do it themselves

**Sasha James:** okay. i’m officially signing off on this plan

**Georgie Barker:** omg

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**Georgie Barker:** yeah i’d get my act together if i were you martin :P

**Georgie Barker:** just a word to the wise :P

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh my god ahahaha

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent a screenshot _

**Martin Blackwood:** So apparently daisy wants to handcuff us together......

**Martin Blackwood:** And the others are on board......

**Jonathan Sims:** christ.

**Martin Blackwood:** Look, we should probably tell them 

**Martin Blackwood:** I dont mind if you dont mind :))

**Martin Blackwood:** And it does look like theyll be supportive

**Jonathan Sims:** no.

**Jonathan Sims:** I mean, I suppose I’m happy with them finding out.

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie is a good judge of character. and now I think I know all of them enough now to know that they’d take it well.

**Jonathan Sims:** but wouldn’t it be funnier if we let their handcuffs plan go ahead?

**Martin Blackwood:** Omg i love it when youre like this :)))))

**Martin Blackwood:** Yes yes yes okay :D

**Martin Blackwood:** Who says tim has all the drama in the archives ;))

**Jonathan Sims:** exactly.

**Jonathan Sims:** I still need to pay him back for April Fools’ Day.

**Jonathan Sims:** which means we need to go big.

**Martin Blackwood:** Have i ever told you how hot you are when youre planning mayhem?? 

**Jonathan Sims:** you have not

**Jonathan Sims:** but I’d hope it’s about as hot as you are when ditto

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahhhhh jon ^_^

**Jonathan Sims:** well. 

**Jonathan Sims:** their chat is called “operation wasteland”

**Jonathan Sims:** which is presumably a reference to that one karaoke night.

**Martin Blackwood:** Omg

**Martin Blackwood:** Just to clear things up, were you actually uh

**Jonathan Sims:** yes, Martin.

**Jonathan Sims:** I was singing it to you

**Jonathan Sims:** in my defence, I thought you might not notice. and my decision making was... somewhat impaired.

**Jonathan Sims:** besides, I hardly thought you’d reciprocate.

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ve never been so happy to be wrong.

**Martin Blackwood:** :))))

**Martin Blackwood:** God and here was me thinking youd never actually do something like that

**Jonathan Sims:** well. I did.

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah you did :))))

**Martin Blackwood:** Nice to hear you say it :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** anyway. this has given me something of an idea for... introducing our relationship to the others.

**Martin Blackwood:** Oooh go on

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin, how comfortable are you with singing?

\---

10:11 A.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** so.

**Jonathan Sims:** I believe there is a group chat dedicated to my relationship with Martin. and there appears to be a plan involving handcuffs.

**Georgie Barker:** ...there may be

**Georgie Barker:** why are you asking? 

**Jonathan Sims:** will you be our mole in said group chat?

**Georgie Barker:** yes yes yes omg yes

**Georgie Barker:** that’s your plotting shenanigans tone of message

**Georgie Barker:** i’m so down

**Jonathan Sims:** good. 

**Jonathan Sims:** now, re this... “operation wasteland”

**Jonathan Sims:** can you suggest they don't carry it out in the archives? 

**Jonathan Sims:** if you need to give actual reasons, for a start, Elias would more than likely interrupt, just to be an inconvenience

**Jonathan Sims:** but Martin and I have a plan that involves a specific location.

**Georgie Barker:** omg

**Georgie Barker:** i need details, jon

**Georgie Barker:** you know i need details

**Jonathan Sims:** and you’re not getting any.

**Georgie Barker:** jonnnnn!!

**Jonathan Sims:** no doubt you’ll hear about it from the others.

**Georgie Barker:** why must you make me waitttt

**Georgie Barker:** i’m helping you!

**Jonathan Sims:** I don’t want to jinx it

**Georgie Barker:** fine but this had better be spectacular

**Jonathan Sims:** don’t worry, it will be.

\---

Wednesday, 10:52 A.M.

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Melanie King:** guys i just watched martin stare piningly into jon’s office after he dropped off a cup of tea

**Melanie King:** like, worse than usual

**Melanie King:** he got back to his desk and sat down and just stared meaningfully bc he thought jon couldn’t see

**Melanie King:** and i mean he probably couldn’t see bc he had a drink then started his fuckin tape recorder up again

**Melanie King:** also i can’t believe i’m the only one in the archives to witness it

**Georgie Barker:** love you’re forgetting i don’t actually work there :P

**Timothy Stoker:** soz im sweet talking rosie so shell let me bring a live pigeon or three into bitchards office

**daisy:** and how’s that going for you

**Timothy Stoker:** not well! but i have hope!

**Sasha James:** timporary working visa stoker i swear to god

**Timothy Stoker:** itll all be worth it to see the look on his face

**Sasha James:** smh

**Sasha James:** basira and i are chasing up a couple of reference texts in the library

**daisy:** and i needed some decent coffee

**Melanie King:** ugh fine but i’m warning u all now that i might be dead when u get back

**Melanie King:** killed by this fUcKiNg ust

**Sasha James:** hmm

**Sasha James:** i think it’s time

**Sasha James:** daisy, can you bring your cuffs in tomorrow?

**daisy:** hah

**daisy:** on it

**Georgie Barker:** hang on guys

**Georgie Barker:** are you sure it’s a good idea to do it at work?

**Georgie Barker:** from what you’ve all told me about el*as 

**Georgie Barker:** he’d probably find some excuse to come down and start asking awkward questions

**Sasha James:** damn

**Sasha James:** good point, georgie, didn’t think of that

**Sasha James:** dammit so what should we do?

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** k it’s come up in the chat and i’ve tried to put them off doing it in the archives but idk how much longer that’ll work

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you for the heads-up

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin and I can handle it from here

**Georgie Barker:** c’mon 

**Georgie Barker:** are you gonna tell me the plan yet???

**Jonathan Sims:** no.

**Georgie Barker:** hhhhnnnnnn

**Jonathan Sims:** but you should get a clue soon.

\---

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s go time.

**Martin Blackwood:** :thumbs up emoji:

**Martin Blackwood:** Christ i love this >:)))

\---

_ “archives gaang” _

**aang:** Guys idk about all of you but im so desperate to go out this week

**aang:** Like shit i just need to go out with you all and drink and have a good time

**sokka:** well marto my boi u know im always up for that

**aang:** :)))

**aang:** Actually you know what?? Im keen to do karaoke again

**katara:** oh i bet :)

**katara:** same place? i can book us a room

**aang:** Sounds great sasha!! :)))

**sokka:** well ofc im in

**sokka:** u couldnt keep me away from karaoke ;)

**momo:** we know

**momo:** yeah, i’m keen

**suki:** Me too

**toph:** sure

**katara:** jon?

**zuko:** oh, alright.

**katara:** fab! let’s lock in 8:30 on friday!

**aang:** :thumbs up emoji:

\---

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Sasha James:** right babes are you thinking what i’m thinking

**Sasha James:** as georgie pointed out, doing it here in the archives is not the best idea

**Sasha James:** and jon and martin have been proved a million times over to get very cute when they’re drunk

**Sasha James:** so let’s just get it done on friday night

**Sasha James:** we force them to acknowledge their feelings 

**Sasha James:** not when they’re drunk drunk, ofc, even though we all know it’s for their own good

**Sasha James:** doing it like that is bordering on nonconsensual and that’s just gross

**Sasha James:** but when they’re just relaxed enough to not have all their walls up all the time

**Sasha James:** (that mostly goes for jon lol)

**Timothy Stoker:** ohohohoho fuck yea im in

**daisy:** fuck it, sure

**daisy:** i’ll bring the cuffs

**Melanie King:** yesssssss thank u

**Melanie King:** lord and saviour of these archives daisy tonner

**daisy:** i know, i know

**Timothy Stoker:** if we cuff em do u think theyll do a duet?????

**Melanie King:** could u imagine

**Timothy Stoker:** i will shout each and every 1 of u a round if they do a disney duet

**daisy:** deal

**Sasha James:** til friday, then!

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** karaoke, huh

**Georgie Barker:** you sly dog

**Georgie Barker:** this should be good >:)

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, I sincerely hope so.

\---

Friday, 9:38 A.M.

_ “operation wasteland” _

**Sasha James:** we’re all ready for tonight?

**daisy:** aye aye

**daisy:** got the cuffs in my bag

**Melanie King:** i cannot fucking wait

**Timothy Stoker:** im still hoping theyll do a duet

**Basira Hussain:** Should we run through the plan again?

**Sasha James:** good idea

**Sasha James:** right. when we go in, it's business as usual for about an hour or so

**Sasha James:** making sure jon and martin are sat next to each other

**Timothy Stoker:** ofc

**Sasha James:** then melanie, it’s over to you

**Melanie King:** i’ll get everyone to put their hands on the table “so i can take a photo of everyone holding their drinks”

**Sasha James:** perfect

**Sasha James:** and then daisy

**daisy:** cuffs will be a go

**Sasha James:** fab

**Sasha James:** here’s to getting our favourite beautiful dumbasses to acknowledge their feelings

**Timothy Stoker:** ayeeeeee

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the group “operation wasteland: active mission” _

\---

2:29 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** are you ready for tonight?

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh hell yes

**Martin Blackwood:** Were gonna give them a night to remember

**Martin Blackwood:** Might even have a little surprise of my own planned ;))

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin

**Martin Blackwood:** :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin.

**Martin Blackwood:** Gotta have some secrets :)))

\---

8:33 P.M.

_ “operation wasteland: active mission” _

**Sasha James:** i’d just like the record to state that martin is wearing a leather jacket (!!!) and the tiniest bit of eyeliner (!!!!)

**Sasha James:** this is a Departure and a half and it looks so good on him

**Timothy Stoker:** ^^^^ he looks fresh af

**Sasha James:** jon’s jaw just about fell off when he saw him

**Sasha James:** we picked a good night for carrying out the plan, lads

**Georgie Barker:** good luck!! i’m so bummed i couldn’t make it but all the best :)

**Melanie King:** ta g :-)

\---

9:35 P.M.

**Sasha James:** @Georgie stage 1 was a success!

**Basira Hussain:** All went according to plan

**Georgie Barker:** nice :D

**Timothy Stoker:** also shoutout to the coolest waiter ever who saw that jon and martin were handcuffed together

**Timothy Stoker:** gave a lil knowing nod

**Timothy Stoker:** and said “yea ive got mates like that”

**Georgie Barker:** omg

\---

9:41 P.M.

**Sasha James:** holy shit

**Sasha James:** are you all seeing what i’m seeing

**Sasha James:** or is it some kind of hopeful delusion

**Melanie King:** i have no words

**Melanie King:** it’s real tho

**Melanie King:** or at least i think it is

**Timothy Stoker:** holy fuckin shit on a stick

**Sasha James:** @Basira as the only person to be 100% confirmed not even a little bit tipsy

**Sasha James:** tell me that this is real

**Basira Hussain:** Oh, it’s real

**Georgie Barker:** what’s going on?????????

**Georgie Barker:** guys?????????

**Basira Hussain:** Right.

**Basira Hussain:** So when Daisy put the cuffs on Jon and Martin, they protested, of course

**Sasha James:** almost too much, if i may interject

**Basira Hussain:** A key part of the protest being when Martin said “but I’ve got a song queued up!”

**Basira Hussain:** But Daisy did her best scary grin and they shut up

**Basira Hussain:** She’s watching them in case they try and mess with the cuffs

**Timothy Stoker:** anyway ofc we wouldnt let them go

**Georgie Barker:** omg

**Georgie Barker:** you didn’t

**Timothy Stoker:** uh ofc 

**Timothy Stoker:** no love confession = no freedom

**Georgie Barker:** omg

**Basira Hussain:** Tim has forgotten to say that he got incredibly excited

**Sasha James:** lol yeah so we got excited bc we thought he might have to stand a round

**Georgie Barker:** and was it a duet?????

**Timothy Stoker:** no :(

**Georgie Barker:** so??? what was it??????

**Basira Hussain:** Well.

**Basira Hussain:** It didn’t take long before Martin stood up

**Basira Hussain:** He was looking a bit nervous, but he went to the stage

**Basira Hussain:** Jon obviously trailing behind

**Basira Hussain:** He gets there as a familiar guitar riff starts up

**Sasha James:** hozier

**Sasha James:** nfwmb

**Georgie Barker:** nooooo oh my god he did Not

**Basira Hussain:** He did

**Basira Hussain:** He is

**Sasha James:** i’ve never heard martin sound like this before oh my god

**Sasha James:** like he’s done karaoke before

**Sasha James:** but never something like this

**Sasha James:** he’s so intense oh my god

**Sasha James:** and he’s singing it straight at jon aaaaaaaa

**Sasha James:** jon’s looking at him like he’s hung the moon

**Sasha James:** oh fuck i just got chills

**Sasha James:** “if i was born as a blackthorn tree / i’d want to be felled by you / held by you”

**Georgie Barker:** oh my godddd

**Timothy Stoker:** ohhhhh fuck me

**Timothy Stoker:** blackthorn tree,,,,,, blackwood,,,,,,,

**Sasha James:** right????

**Basira Hussain:** Not sure if the others noticed, but on “held by you,” Jon took Martin’s hand 

**Basira Hussain:** The non-cuffed hands

**Sasha James:** i noticed i’m just busy trying not to die

**Georgie Barker:** no wayyyy

**Georgie Barker:** please tell me there’s evidence

**Basira Hussain:** Melanie’s recording it all

**Georgie Barker:** @Melanie when you read these you’re the light of my life and the angel of my heart you bloody treasure

**Sasha James:** holy fuck

**Timothy Stoker:** oh my fuckign god oh my fucki ngod 

**Georgie Barker:** tell me you knobs!!!

**Basira Hussain:** Song finished, Martin kissed Jon’s hand and Jon blushed

**Georgie Barker:** fksngeriuekn

**Georgie Barker:** brb i’m going to drink a lot of celebration wine and then die happy

**Sasha James:** me toooo

**Sasha James:** only martinis not wine :)

**Melanie King:** @Georgie yep i’ve got it all :-)

**Georgie Barker:** a gem! a gift!

**Melanie King:** i’ll show u next time i’m round urs

**Georgie Barker:** <333

**daisy:** ok i think that counts

**daisy:** taken the cuffs off them

**Sasha James:** :thumbs up emoji:

**Timothy Stoker:** mission success tho!!!!

**Timothy Stoker:** mission! fuckin! success!!!

**Timothy Stoker:** catch yall im gonna get fuckin blitzed

**Sasha James:** yup i think we deserve it

\---

11:24 P.M.

_ "archives gaang" _

**zuko:** thank you all for the good night

**zuko:** it was mostly unnecessary, though, seeing as we've been together since... 

**aang:** Th eday after ber pong :))))

**zuko:** since the day after beer pong, thank you Martin

**katara:** wait you didn’t tell us????? for weeks??????

**katara:** how cuold you?!?!?

**zuko:** we didn’t want things to be weird, if you knew one of your coworkers was dating your boss

**zuko:** also El*as

**katara:** things wouldn’t be weird!

**katara:** but el*as the bitch man......

**katara:** good point, good point

**zuko:** but! fuck El*as!

**sokka:** exellnt poin!!!

**aang:** So thereit is :))))))

**katara:** congrats!!!

**sokka:** yea omg congratsssss

**suki:** ^^^

**momo:** i don’t regret cuffing you one bit though

**zuko:** playing up that particular bit made it fun

**zuko:** I hope our performance was worth the handcuffs

**toph:** *ur* performance

**toph:** wait oh my god

**toph:** u fucks

**toph:** u fucks!!!!

**toph:** did u know abt the cuffs all along??!?!!!?!?

**katara:** omg yes they planned this

**katara:** martin just casuall ysuggesting karaoke at the righttime

**katara:** the 2 of you played us w that

**katara:** you had a mole in the chat

**toph:** g

**toph:** oh my fuckin god it was georgie

**sokka:** :0

**aang:** :)))))))

**aang:** Your faces weer sooo worth it tho :)))

**zuko:** agreed

**toph:** for the record i hate u both bc that was dirty as fuck

**toph:** but also adorble as fuck so i’m v happy for u :-)

**zuko:** thank you, Melanie

**zuko:** thank you all

**zuko:** and I suppose I’ll see you all on Monday

\---

11:36 P.M.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Homes afe???

**Jonathan Sims:** yes. you?

**Martin Blackwood:** Yuppp <33

**Jonathan Sims:** also I must say. the jacket and eyeliner? not fair. not fair at all

**Martin Blackwood:** ;))))

**Martin Blackwood:** Worth itto seee your face :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** hmph.

**Jonathan Sims:** and that. the kiss?

**Jonathan Sims:** also not fair

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m hardly complaining

**Jonathan Sims:** but we were meant to make their jaws drop together

**Jonathan Sims:** which we did

**Jonathan Sims:** your singing was perfect, but the way

**Martin Blackwood:** :))))

**Jonathan Sims:** but you didn't have to take the feet from under me as well! 

**Jonathan Sims:** even if i did appreciate it. very much so.

**Martin Blackwood:** <33

**Martin Blackwood:** Your so cute whn you blush <333

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay im goin togo drink sme water then sleep :))

**Jonathan Sims:** good plan, I think I'll do the same

**Martin Blackwood:** Goodnight xxx

**Jonathan Sims:** goodnight x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So according to Hozier, NFWMB is "a love song for the end of the world" and "is about watching the world burn and realising that the person next to you is completely unfazed by it – and may have even been the one to start the fire themselves"... even though the apocalypse isn't happening in this fic, I've wanted Martin to sing that to Jon since about chapter 9, and I've finally been able to slide it in :D  
> Everyone knows, now! And Jon and Martin were able to play it up and make a big deal of it on their own terms :) There's gonna be so much good-natured teasing ahead :D


	18. one rule away from rule 69 ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **zuko:** you all know the mechanisms, I take it  
>  **sokka:** ohhhh yea i did kinda let that cat out of the bag at beer pong  
>  **sokka:** no regerts  
>  **zuko:** right. so, how well do you know the characters?  
>  **katara:** oh i’d say we’re all pretty deep in the lore  
>  **zuko:** ...  
>  **katara:** there was a whole discussion of it over lunch the other week  
>  **katara:** we prepared for this conversation, and it’s your own fault if you’re too busy recording statements to have lunch with us :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by your humble author's deep dive into the Mechs fandom!

Saturday, 10:23 A.M.

 **_Melanie King_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** so. georgie.

 **Georgie Barker:** ...uh oh

 **Melanie King:** i think u’ve got a lil bit of explaining to do.

 **Georgie Barker:** oop

 **Melanie King:** u were a mole in operation wasteland?

 **Georgie Barker:** ...suppose i can’t deny it

 **Melanie King:** for how long?

 **Georgie Barker:** not long

 **Georgie Barker:** i found out when martin called me, but i promised him and jon that i wouldn’t say anything

 **Melanie King:** ...

 **Melanie King:** that’s fair

 **Melanie King:** but u still could have told me!

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah but i did promise martin

 **Georgie Barker:** can you imagine not keeping a promise to martin?

 **Melanie King:** .....damn u got me there

 **Georgie Barker:** so... am i forgiven?

 **Melanie King:** oh i guess so :-P

 **Melanie King:** ...it was really cute seeing the two of them actually be a couple

 **Melanie King:** but if u tell anyone i said that there will be consequences

 **Georgie Barker:** oh i’m so scared :P

 **Georgie Barker:** nah i’d never ruin your image

 **Georgie Barker:** even tho you are a secret romantic at heart :)

 **Melanie King:** and that secret dies with the two of us :-P

 **Georgie Barker:** ofc

\---

Monday, 7:20 A.M.

 **_[unknown]_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**[unknown]:** Hello, Archivist!

 **[unknown]:** I’m Going To Take The Aspect Of Myself Out Of Your Tunnels Today!

 **[unknown]:** I Thought I Should Let You Know

 **Jonathan Sims:** how the fuck did you

 **Jonathan Sims:** right.

 **Jonathan Sims:** firstly, I assume this is Nikola Orsinov?

 **[unknown]:** Yes It Is!

 **Jonathan Sims:** how did you get this number?

 **[unknown]:** A Friend Gave It To Me

 **Jonathan Sims:** who?

 **Jonathan Sims:** _who was it, Nikola?_

 **[unknown]:** A Mutual Friend Of Ours

 **[unknown]:** Now, That Was Very Rude, Archivist!

 **[unknown]:** Especially When I’m Doing This As A Gesture Of Good Faith!

 **Jonathan Sims:** you did kidnap me

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not in a particularly trusting mood.

 **[unknown]:** Well I Suppose That’s Fair Enough

 **[unknown]:** But I Am Trying To Help

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ve tried to put your name in my contacts about half a dozen times now, and it won’t save.

 **[unknown]:** Of Course It Won’t!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...ah

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, that makes sense.

 **[unknown]:** Yes It Does!

 **Jonathan Sims:** now, I hope you realise that I can’t let you into the archives, or the tunnels, unsupervised.

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I will be going with you. and possibly some of the others.

 **[unknown]:** That’s Fine! The More The Merrier!

 **[unknown]:** I Will Let You Know When I Get To The Institute!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...thanks.

\---

8:45 A.M.

_“archives gaang”_

**zuko:** right.

 **zuko:** do you want the good news or the bad news?

 **toph:** well that’s a fucking leading question

 **toph:** the good news is probably going to be something like

 **toph:** “martin bought some hobnobs for the breakroom”

 **toph:** and the bad news is probably “i’ve accidentally started the apocalypse”

 **zuko:** I mean

 **zuko:** not quite?

 **suki:** Jon.

 **suki:** How bad is the bad news?

 **zuko:** Nikola Orsinov somehow has my phone number

 **sokka:** how the fuck

 **sokka:** how in the Fuck

 **zuko:** I asked her the same thing! 

**zuko:** I tried to compel her

 **zuko:** and even then, do you think I could get a straight answer?

 **zuko:** of course not.

 **sokka:** fuck the stranger

 **zuko:** agreed

 **zuko:** but the good news is, she’s going to take the Thing out of the tunnels

 **toph:** fuck yessss

 **toph:** christ i’ve wanted to go exploring down there since my first day

 **toph:** yessssssss

 **zuko:** well, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Melanie

 **zuko:** so can we all try to not kill Nikola while she’s making the tunnels mildly safer?

 **sokka:** fine i guess

 **sokka:** but what if shes here to b sketchy

 **zuko:** I’ll be going with her.

 **zuko:** whoever wants to can come as well. I’d feel safer if more people were watching her

 **katara:** oh good point

 **momo:** ...

 **momo:** yeah be careful when you’re in there

 **momo:** ugh maybe tell plastic fantastic to be careful in the tunnels too if shes gonna take the Thing out

 **momo:** i don’t mind her getting killed or seriously injured, but i do kinda you guys

 **suki:** Maybe one of us should go down with them

 **zuko:** jesus christ

 **zuko:** do I want to know what you’ve done?

 **suki:** We’ve taken a leaf out of Gertrude’s book

 **katara:** oh no

 **katara:** tell me you haven’t

 **sokka:** sash shut up

 **sokka:** basira and daisy pls pls tell me u have

 **momo:** yeah there’s a fuckin Lot of c4 in a room in the tunnels

 **aang:** Holy shit omggggg

 **suki:** It’s a precaution

 **zuko:** C4 under the archives? 

**momo:** oh, heaps of it

 **zuko:** C4. under my archives. 

**zuko:** Daisy, if all of this is lost, it would be...

 **momo:** probably a help

 **zuko:** I was thinking more along the lines of catastrophic

 **aang:** Jon, i know youre thinking about what this means for the archives

 **aang:** But if i can counter:

 **aang:** Best guy fawkes ever

 **sokka:** ohohohohoho

 **sokka:** yes marto yes

 **suki:** I suppose we can donate some of it

 **aang:** Yessss thats fab :DDD

 **aang:** Cant wait :DDD

 **aang:** Also @Melanie i actually did pick up a packet of hobnobs on my way in :))

 **toph:** martin u’re a legend

 **aang:** :)))

\---

9:51 A.M.

 **_[unknown]_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**[unknown]:** Archivist, I Am Here!

 **Jonathan Sims:** well isn’t that fucking ominous

 **Jonathan Sims:** right. we’ll pick you up from reception in a couple of minutes.

 **[unknown]:** That’s Alright, Rosie Is Very Nice

 **[unknown]:** She Has Good Skin

 **[unknown]:** Unlike Some People At This Institute

\---

_“archives gaang”_

**zuko:** alright, she’s here.

 **zuko:** she’s chatting to Rosie, apparently.

 **zuko:** and being unnecessarily disparaging about my skin.

 **zuko:** so who’s coming into the tunnels with us?

 **momo:** i will

 **momo:** keep an eye on her

 **momo:** and if she tries to do anything sus, well. i’m prepared

 **suki:** I’m coming too

 **suki:** You’ll need someone who can keep a clear head if anything happens

 **suki:** Can tell you where the C4 is, if Dais goes off the rails

 **momo:** it’s under control

 **suki:** I know, but in a situation like this, if something goes wrong...

 **momo:** k

 **momo:** yeah i get that

 **momo:** thanks, basira

 **sokka:** actually fuck it im in as well

 **sokka:** i dont trust her

 **sokka:** and i dont trust anyone being alone with her

 **sokka:** so im going to stick to yall like shit to a shoe and uv got no say in the matter

 **zuko:** alright.

 **zuko:** anyone else?

 **aang:** I think were good??

 **katara:** yep

 **aang:** Good luck down there guys :))

 **katara:** ^^^

 **toph:** yeah leave the tunnels nice and non-monstery for exploring in

 **sokka:** well try ayee

\---

10:23 A.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** just giving you an update, I thought you’d like to know what’s happening

 **Jonathan Sims:** she’s been fine, actually

 **Jonathan Sims:** none of us have been killed or replaced or anything Stranger-esque

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh good :))))

 **Jonathan Sims:** she can be annoyingly chatty, but that’s about the worst of it.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Thats a lot better than it could be

 **Jonathan Sims:** my thoughts exactly.

 **Jonathan Sims:** now, she says she’s found the trail of the Thing

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’re close, so she’s gone on ahead

 **Jonathan Sims:** none of us want to get too close to the Thing, in case it attacks one of us

 **Jonathan Sims:** we can still hear her, though, which is good.

 **Jonathan Sims:** she’s humming something

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s familiar?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know it, I know I’ve sung it at some point

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ooo nice :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Remember it for when you get out?? I always love hearing you sing :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** mm

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know what it is

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh? What is it???

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll message you back.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I really need to speak to Georgie.

 **Jonathan Sims:** hopefully I’m wrong, but I’m worried.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay

 **Martin Blackwood:** Hope it turns out to be okay xx

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll let you know as soon as I know myself

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** weird question, but i need a prompt and serious answer

 **Georgie Barker:** okay?

 **Georgie Barker:** shoot

 **Jonathan Sims:** have you kept in touch with Jess from uni?

 **Georgie Barker:** jess from my tute class who ended up going out with your mate rachel, or jess who was toy soldier in the mechs?

 **Jonathan Sims:** Toy Soldier Jess

 **Jonathan Sims:** as far as I know, she moved to Ireland around the time I moved to London

 **Jonathan Sims:** and we fell out of touch

 **Georgie Barker:** omg jon just send her a message? shit, love, you don’t need me to reintroduce you to your own bandmate???

 **Georgie Barker:** i know you don’t have many social skills, but you have enough for that

 **Jonathan Sims:** I did try calling her, but you know we were at uni in the days of godawful shitty Nokias 

**Jonathan Sims:** so the old number I had of hers didn’t connect.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I’ve been desperately searching through facebook for the last few minutes

 **Jonathan Sims:** the trouble is, there are a Lot of Jessica Laws on various social media platforms, none of whom with a profile picture I recognise, so I can’t look her up there with any confidence.

 **Georgie Barker:** ah right

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah that sucks

 **Georgie Barker:** i’m really sorry man, but she was your friend more than mine

 **Georgie Barker:** we kinda drifted too

 **Jonathan Sims:** fuck

 **Georgie Barker:** why, what’s the problem?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I, uh

 **Jonathan Sims:** well.

 **Jonathan Sims:** do you remember me telling you about Nikola Orsinov?

 **Georgie Barker:** uhhhhh on the night where you got dropped off at martin’s out of your brain exhausted? when i found out that you and he are a couple? uhhhh yeah i think i do

 **Georgie Barker:** what does mechs jess have to do with her?

 **Jonathan Sims:** she (Nikola) came to clear out the Thing in the tunnels under the institute

 **Georgie Barker:** oh that’s good i guess

 **Jonathan Sims:** yeah

 **Jonathan Sims:** so of course a few of us went down to keep an eye on her

 **Jonathan Sims:** and she was humming, of all things. 

**Jonathan Sims:** and when I heard her voice

 **Jonathan Sims:** fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** it was eerily familiar. the song, and the tone

 **Jonathan Sims:** she was singing Rose Red, Georgie

 **Jonathan Sims:** and then I realised. a living doll/mannequin. in a uniform. with a sinisterly cheerful demeanor. 

**Georgie Barker:** oh

 **Georgie Barker:** oh fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** exactly.

 **Georgie Barker:** what do you think happened?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not sure. but I’m worried.

 **Jonathan Sims:** the Stranger... it has been known to wear the skin of its victims.

 **Georgie Barker:** fuckkkk

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes.

 **Georgie Barker:** and bc it’s the stranger, it's interfering with your spooky powers? so you can’t just Know whether jess has been skinned by a creepy circus fuck?

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Georgie Barker:** oh my god jon

 **Georgie Barker:** did you just

 **Jonathan Sims:** I didn’t think of it

 **Georgie Barker:** ffs

 **Jonathan Sims:** right.

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh

 **Jonathan Sims:** good

 **Jonathan Sims:** she’s okay

 **Jonathan Sims:** she’s okay. she’s fine, she moved back to Cambridge a couple of years ago, and actually has a solo singing career

 **Georgie Barker:** you have no idea how relieved i am

 **Georgie Barker:** jesus

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh, I think I have some idea

 **Georgie Barker:** good for her on the singing tho! 

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, I Know which facebook profile is hers, now

 **Jonathan Sims:** might send her a message later

 **Georgie Barker:** good for you :D

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s okay

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank fucking christ, it’s all okay

 **Martin Blackwood:** That’s great, jon!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** What happened?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll tell the group as a whole.

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...okay, Nikola is now doing something to the Thing that sounds very nasty

 **Jonathan Sims:** this should all be sorted soon

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I’ll tell everyone.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Sounds good :))

\---

10:59 A.M.

_“archives gaang”_

**zuko:** I’ll start with the good news: Nikola has successfully removed the Thing from the tunnels

 **zuko:** it was incredibly graphic and visceral, so I’ll spare you the details

 **zuko:** but suffice to say that all four of us who went down are suitably convinced that the Thing is gone.

 **sokka:** yea it was fuckin gross

 **toph:** yesssss tunnels here i come

 **zuko:** and Nikola has now left the archives, and the institute premises as a whole. she’s unhinged, and she feeds on fear, but she’s... earnest. I don’t dislike her as much as I thought I would

 **suki:** High praise indeed

 **katara:** wait

 **katara:** jon

 **katara:** the good news is good, i’m happy to hear it all

 **katara:** but you specifying that there’s good news implies that there’s also bad news

 **zuko:** ...there might be

 **katara:** so...?

 **zuko:** um.

 **zuko:** not quite sure how to begin this one

 **zuko:** but I think you all need to know

 **momo:** know what

 **zuko:** ...I think I might have created Nikola Orsinov, slightly

 **sokka:** boss what the fuck do u mean

 **sokka:** srsly what the Fuck

 **aang:** Jon!!! You can’t just say things like that!!

 **katara:** okay but your spooky powers just extend to eye shit, right?

 **katara:** the stranger is completely separate

 **katara:** i mean shit, i thought the eye and the stranger hated each other

 **katara:** how can you have created an avatar of the stranger?

 **zuko:** you all know the mechanisms, I take it

 **sokka:** ohhhh yea i did kinda let that cat out of the bag at beer pong

 **sokka:** no regerts

 **zuko:** right. so, how well do you know the characters?

 **katara:** oh i’d say we’re all pretty deep in the lore

 **zuko:** ...

 **katara:** there was a whole discussion of it over lunch the other week

 **katara:** we prepared for this conversation, and it’s your own fault if you’re too busy recording statements to have lunch with us :)

 **katara:** okay! fave mechs, sound off

 **aang:** Am i biased if i say jonny is my favourite? :))

 **katara:** you are, but it’s sweet :)

 **aang:** :)))

 **sokka:** i fkn love gp tim

 **sokka:** great name, great life philosophy

 **toph:** i like jonny's outlook on life but he's u, so

 **toph:** i'm gonna have to say gp tim too

 **momo:** they’re all awful people, but i like ashes

 **suki:** I relate to Raphaella

 **suki:** The only competent one

 **katara:** lol

 **katara:** for my part, i think ivy’s pretty neat

 **zuko:** I’m not sure whether to be flattered or embarrassed by the fact that you all know the band so well

 **aang:** Flattered, please? 

**zuko:** hm.

 **zuko:** but you’ve all left out the character who is the most pertinent to all of this

 **aang:** Who?

 **zuko:** Toy Soldier

 **sokka:** yeah ts is cool i guess

 **sokka:** good voice

 **zuko:** ...

 **sokka:** oh

 **sokka:** ohhh jesus fuck in the tunnels

 **sokka:** fuckkkk

 **katara:** and for those of us who weren’t in the tunnels?

 **zuko:** she was humming a Mechanisms song

 **katara:** oh no

 **katara:** shit yeah i can see there’s a ts/nikola connection

 **katara:** jesus

 **zuko:** I did try to Know what happened

 **zuko:** and it’s not Jess, she hasn’t taken Jess

 **zuko:** Toy Soldier, I mean

 **aang:** Oh jon thank god <33

 **zuko:** but one of the Anglerfish’s victims was a fan of the Mechanisms

 **zuko:** it was in Edinburgh... I suppose he might have gone to one of our Fringe shows

 **zuko:** and when he was... taken

 **zuko:** I suppose Nikola liked the aesthetic.

 **zuko:** so. it appears that the Nikola Orsinov we see now is somewhat influenced by one of the Mechanisms’ character designs.

 **zuko:** so, in an indirect way, I’m slightly responsible

 **aang:** Jon its just an aesthetic thing!!!!

 **aang:** Not everything spooky that happens is your fault <33

 **sokka:** also can we appreciate that even in the guilt

 **sokka:** boss still manages to squeeze in a brag abt how he played the fringe

 **zuko:** ...more than once, actually

 **toph:** omg jon

 **sokka:** look boss

 **sokka:** dont be sorry?

 **sokka:** actually it kinda helps

 **sokka:** sure shes a creepy skinning fuck that took my bro

 **sokka:** but shes also a mechs fan so 

**sokka:** shes got good taste

 **sokka:** actually her taking danny is an even bigger sign shes got good taste, speaking as his big bro danny wouldve been a catch

 **katara:** tim oh my god

 **sokka:** its been long enough that i can use humour as a coping mechanism babey :finger guns:

 **zuko:** I think I’m always going to be surprised by how well you all take things like this

 **suki:** Jon

 **suki:** This isn’t the weirdest thing we’ve dealt with

 **suki:** It doesn’t even crack the top 20

 **momo:** or the top 50, even

 **suki:** Good point

 **suki:** So don’t worry about it

 **zuko:** ...

 **katara:** right.

 **katara:** we need to do something about this

 **katara:** proposed new rule: whenever jon blames himself for things he has no control over, he has to pay up

 **katara:** all in favour say aye

 **aang:** Aye!!!!

 **sokka:** aye

 **suki:** Aye

 **toph:** aye

 **momo:** aye

 **katara:** that’s a majority vote, rule 68 is now official!

 **katara:** jon, you’re not allowed to hate yourself for being spooky anymore, or think that we’re going to hate you for doing something spooky

 **katara:** bc if you do, you’re paying for drinks :)

 **momo:** a+ justice

 **zuko:** ...fine.

 **aang:** We will bully you into being nicer to yourself and other people :)))

 **zuko:**...thank you

 **sokka:** also 

**sokka:** unrelatedly

 **sokka:** cant wait for the next rule ayeeeeee ;))

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “one rule away from rule 69 ;)”_

 **katara:** oh my god tim

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** And if you need any help remembering why we arent going to hate you

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ever

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im happy to give you a million reasons :))

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Martin

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you for helping me keep going.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Any time at all xxx

 **Jonathan Sims:** xx

\---

11:39 P.M.

 **_[unknown]_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**[unknown]:** Wait 

**[unknown]:** Archivist

 **[unknown]:** Did I Hear You Singing With Me In The Tunnels?

 **Jonathan Sims:** possibly. very quietly.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I always liked performing that one.

 **[unknown]:** You Were In The Mechanisms? 

**Jonathan Sims:** their humble captain, as a matter of fact

 **[unknown]:** I Think You Mean First Mate! 

**Jonathan Sims:** christ, not you too. 

**Jonathan Sims:** of all the things I did at Oxford, I didn’t expect the one that would follow me to my job at the Magnus Institute would be my insane band

 **[unknown]:** I Like Your Insane Band!

 **[unknown]:** One Of The People I Skinned Liked The Mechanisms And Now I Do Too

 **[unknown]:** I Particularly Liked The Toy Soldier

 **[unknown]:** It Would Have Been A Kindred Spirit, If It Was A Real Person, Not A Character In A Band

 **[unknown]:** So I Took Its Voice As A Tribute

 **Jonathan Sims:** already worked that one out, thanks.

 **[unknown]:** Ah Yes, I Suppose You Can See Things Like That

 **[unknown]:** Do You Like It?

 **[unknown]:** The Voice? And The Aesthetic?

 **Jonathan Sims:** it gave me a half hour of blistering panic when I thought you’d killed my friend and were wearing her skin

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I’m going to have to say no to that one.

 **[unknown]:** Aww

 **[unknown]:** I Thought I Could Sense Your Fear In The Tunnels, And Then It Stopped

 **[unknown]:** I Did Wonder About That

 **Jonathan Sims:** but on the whole, I’m not hating you as much as I thought I would.

 **[unknown]:** Thank You For Your Honesty, Archivist!

 **[unknown]:** And I'm Glad You Like Me A Little Bit! 

**Jonathan Sims:** now I know you haven’t killed her, I’m slightly better disposed

 **Jonathan Sims:** and you did take the Thing out of our tunnels

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I appreciate that, at least.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and at least you’re not trying to wingman like Helen was.

 **Jonathan Sims:** just... please never talk to my colleagues about the Mechanisms

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not sure I could handle all of that

 **[unknown]:** I Make No Promises About That, First Mate D’Ville!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I regret interacting with you in none of the ways I expected

 **Jonathan Sims:** but in many ways nonetheless

 **[unknown]:** :oD

\---

Tuesday, 12:26 A.M.

 **[unknown]:** I've Just Had An Excellent Idea!

 **[unknown]:** We Should Start An Avatars Band!

 **Jonathan Sims:** no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, the delay here is entirely bc I had about a third of a chapter written out, decided a few days ago that 12:30am was a Great time to start listening to the Mechs, and then this just... had to happen. The good news is, a third of the next chapter is written!  
> Nikola in this fic is... not entirely evil? She's not a great person(/mannequin), but she's fun to write--kinda Murder Babey vibes--and she's definitely not as bad as El*as... And just to confirm, she's not out to end the world in this 'verse! Her typing style is inspired by a number of other group chat fics--I'm not sure which was the first, but I very much like the idea! Also, the archives support network and Tim actually getting therapy is justifying her being on semi-friendly terms with the gang :)  
> Also, I meant to say this last update, but Epiphany, the fluff episode? Is entirely canon within this 'verse :D


	19. hozier is the jonmartin litmus test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **katara:** lads, who’s on cursed noticeboard duty this week?  
>  **sokka:** dibs not i did it last week  
>  **zuko:** I’m rostered for next week, so it’s not me either  
>  **zuko:** I just don’t understand how the various entities manage to keep putting adverts up on the noticeboard  
>  **zuko:** I’ve spoken to Rosie about it, and she doesn’t get them handed in, or anything like that  
>  **zuko:** there’s a blank spot in my Knowing around the whole noticeboard  
>  **zuko:** and I wouldn’t think that Elias would tolerate the other powers advertising in the institute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three days, three minor cases of shenaniganry :)

Tuesday, 10:18 A.M.

_ “one rule away from rule 69 ;)” _

**katara:** lads, who’s on cursed noticeboard duty this week?

**sokka:** dibs not i did it last week

**zuko:** I’m rostered for next week, so it’s not me either

**zuko:** I just don’t understand how the various entities manage to keep putting adverts up on the noticeboard

**zuko:** I’ve spoken to Rosie about it, and she doesn’t get them handed in, or anything like that

**zuko:** there’s a blank spot in my Knowing around the whole noticeboard

**zuko:** and I wouldn’t think that Elias would tolerate the other powers advertising in the institute

**katara:** rule 1!

**katara:** jar :)

**zuko:** hmph.

**katara:** anyway, who’s to say he doesn’t do it just bc it’s funny?

**katara:** especially now we have cursed noticeboard duty which it is Not my turn to do this week

**zuko:** that’s a good point.

**suki:** One of us could stake the noticeboard out, I suppose

**suki:** See who’s putting them up

**momo:** pff basira 

**momo:** you’re volunteering for that?

**suki:** Ew fuck no

**momo:** aha

**momo:** stakeout is the worst part of the hunt

**momo:** the best part is the chase

**sokka:** uhhhhh dais ur hunt is showing

**momo:** ah

**momo:** ta

**momo:** but @Basira am i wrong

**suki:** She’s not wrong

**suki:** I’m very glad not to be on stakeout duty anymore

**suki:** Shit it was so boring

**suki:** You have to be on constant alert, so I couldn’t even read my book, but 99% of the time nothing happened for hours

**katara:** i sympathise

**katara:** but that still doesn’t answer the q

**katara:** namely, whomst is on cursed noticeboard duty this week

**toph:** not me

**toph:** did it a couple of weeks ago 

**suki:** ...Martin has been remarkably quiet through all this

**suki:** @Martin

**suki:** @Martin are you meant to be on cursed noticeboard duty

**aang:** Dammit 

**aang:** Yeah i think its my turn

**aang:** Im sorry but the notice simon fairchild put up gave me the creeps

**sokka:** marto babe it was just an ad for a rollercoaster 

**aang:** Yeah but you didn't see it

**aang:** There was a handwritten bit at the bottom that said hed throw anyone who took the notice down off a rollercoaster

**aang:** Okay seeing it written out, ill admit that sounds stupid 

**aang:** But trust me it was scary in person

**momo:** sure

**aang:** Hey just bc you feel all gung-ho around avatars doesnt mean everyone else does

**momo:** that is not my fault

**momo:** everyone else simply needs to

**momo:** wait

**momo:** .

**momo:** aligning with the hunt probably isn’t the best general life choice

**katara:** No It Is Not™ 

**zuko:** regardless, we appreciate you doing it, Martin

**aang:** Ahh thanks jon :))

**aang:** Ugh anyway im on my way up

**sokka:** ooo send us the best ones

**aang:** When do i not??

\---

10:24 A.M.

**aang:** Mkay some of todays highlights:

**aang:** Jared hopworth is advertising his gym again but the notice is just a piece of paper that says “GYM” and an address

**sokka:** yea the flesh doesnt really go in for anything more than the bare essentials aye

**aang:** “Wanted: human biology tutor. Must be willing to answer any question on human biology, no matter how trivial. Own organs a must” yikes

**katara:** aw and they missed “must be willing to accept apples with teeth in as payment”? what a shame

**aang:** Lol

**aang:** Christ arthur nolan is trying to let flats againnn 

**aang:** Shit landlord ~but spooky~ is the worst ever way to be an avatar im pretty sure

**aang:** Is there some kind of tenants union we can report him to or something????

**toph:** lol some of the shitty flats i’ve had and tried to complain about

**toph:** “my landlord is an evil fire man who deliberately makes my life uncomfortable” wouldn’t even make them bat an eye

**toph:** it’d just be like “yep sounds like 300000 other landlords in the greater london area, we’ll see what we can do but just be grateful you’ve even got a flat”

**aang:** Yikes

**aang:** And theres an ad for a numbers station i think? I mean its just a radio frequency and “numbers” so im guessing thats what it is

**aang:** It doesnt look avatary but im just not sure

**toph:** vibe check

**aang:** Hmmm vibes not great

**aang:** Im gonna take it with the others bc it pays to be careful

**suki:** Good idea

**aang:** Oh heres a fun one :)))))

**aang:** “Super Fun Band Now Auditioning! Must Be Affiliated With An Entity To Join. See The Archivist To Arrange An Audition Time! No Members Of Grifters Bone Need Apply!”

**aang:** Jon im guessing you didnt know about this?

**zuko:** christ

**zuko:** yes. Nikola thinks it would be a good idea to start a band.

**sokka:** omg with her itd be the mechs reborn

**zuko:** something like that, I suppose.

**suki:** Are you going to start one up?

**zuko:** of course not.

**zuko:** what sort of person do you take me for

**sokka:** a boring one obvs

**sokka:** cmon boss itd be neat

**zuko:** no.

**aang:** So im guessing you want me to take that one down with the others??

**zuko:** yes.

**zuko:** burn it with the rest of them.

**aang:** Will do :)))

**aang:** My fav part of cursed noticeboard duty tbh

**aang:** Oh hang on

\---

10:49 A.M.

**katara:** everything okay, martin?

**aang:** Huh?

**aang:** Oh yeah im fine

**aang:** Just had a really weird conversation with peter lukas

**sokka:** lol remember when i tried to chat to him at the christmas do last year

**sokka:** sash bet me i couldnt find out if he and bitchard were a thing

**sokka:** i couldnt

**sokka:** but it was worth the fiver to just see his face 

**sokka:** he hates talking to ppl so much omg

**aang:** Well he just appeared out of literally fkn nowhere and had a chat to me

**katara:** shit martin are you okay?

**aang:** Yeah

**aang:** He even asked about the archives??? It was really weird bc im not sure he cares about other people At All but he seemed genuinely interested

**momo:** well that’s weird

**sokka:** soooo fuckin weird what the fuck

**sokka:** what did u say marto?

**aang:** Yeah i told him were all fine and actually we went out for karaoke the other night and were doing even better going through the mess in the archives bc were getting on as a group

**aang:** And he went “hmm”

**aang:** But he seemed kinda pissed tho???

**aang:** He gave me this really searching look and just shook his head

**aang:** Then said “i need to speak to el*as.”

**aang:** So i offered to take him up to his office when i was done with the noticeboard

**toph:** isn’t that breaking horror movie rule 1 tho

**aang:** Probably but it doesnt really matter bc i took nikolas notice off and when i turned back he was gone

**aang:** Didnt even hear footsteps or anything

**suki:** That’s probably part of the Lonely, right?

**aang:** Yeah im guessing so

**suki:** If he wanted to see El*as, and he doesn’t like that we’re working as a group...

**suki:** Okay, I’m not sure what it all means, but it can’t be good.

**katara:** maybe he’s jealous because he and el*as are divorced and we’re all so close?

**katara:** nope i just read that back and it’s so so not true lol

**suki:** Martin, if you’re the only person Peter will willingly speak to, apart from El*as

**aang:** Not sure i like that “honour”, but go on

**suki:** Can you keep an eye on him?

**aang:** Yep will do

**aang:** Lol maybe hes being like this bc i used to be a prime target for the lonely?? :///

**momo:** how so

**aang:** Well before i met all you guys i was... not the most social person

**aang:** Is one way of putting it

**aang:** And my mum is...

**katara:** martin no we agreed months ago that i’m your mum now

**katara:** she wasn’t shit, so i’m your mum now and thats fuckin official

**aang:** Ahaha yeah i guess :)))

**aang:** Anyway yeah i didnt have that many ties to other people

**aang:** And id kinda make myself fit what i thought other people would want me to be bc i was worried they didnt really care about me, so

**aang:** Lonely bait wooooo ://

**zuko:** that’s not true, Martin. not true at all.

**zuko:** I can speak for all of us in saying that you’re a valuable part of the archives team, a true friend, and you’ve made a positive difference in all our lives here. and I really don’t think that the archives would be the same without you.

**katara:** well said

**sokka:** ^^^^

**suki:** Absolutely

**momo:** 100%

**toph:** hear hear

**aang:** Aaaaahhhh thanks you guys <3333

**aang:** Yeah its different now :)))

**aang:** I mean im even in a relationship now, with a pretty cute guy whos kinda spooky but in a really cool way

**zuko:** and he’s lucky to have you.

**aang:** :))))

**toph:** ew get a room

**toph:** i’m v glad we’ve got meaningful friendships in the archives and all

**toph:** but ew romantic on main

**toph:** i think that warrants money in the jar

**katara:** yes romance on main is the new rule 69

**momo:** there’s no need to take a vote on that one

**sokka:** fuck yesssssssssssssssssssss

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “rule 69!!!!!!!” _

**sokka:** sash that is perfect ilu babe

**sokka:** rule 69 ayeeeeeeeeee

**zuko:** we may have friendship in these archives, but we have no maturity.

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the group “archives gaang” _

**zuko:** apart from Sasha

**katara:** thank you

**sokka:** uhh ofc not

**sokka:** we exist purely to annoy el*as

**zuko:** good point.

**zuko:** anyway. I’m going to put my pound in the jar then start recording.

**aang:** Yeah im heading out to the ceremonial steel bin if anyone wants to burn these cursed ads with me

**aang:** Ill pay when i get back :))

**sokka:** omw marto!

**suki:** Coming with hot beverages

**sokka:** god ur a lifesaver

\---

_ “Collection Of Cursed Knowledge” _

**cursed. demon boi:** so anyway were all agreed jon has to start this band w nikola right

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** um ofc

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Dw guys ill pester him at every opportunity :))

**daisy:** good

\---

Wednesday, 2:45 P.M.

_ “archives gaang” _

**sokka:** yo lads lads lads

**sokka:** did yall see the latest email from bitchard

**toph:** omg yes

**sokka:** the fuck????

**sokka:** i thought we were the only ones who pissed him off enough to b passive aggressive abt

**sokka:** i feel betrayed

**sokka:** i mean im obv stoked (pun intended) that hes pissed

**sokka:** but i thought we had smth special

**sokka:** bitchard + the archives

**sokka:** best enemies 4eva

**momo:** the content though

**toph:** yeah holy fuck

**toph:** “I would like to remind all staff that it is not appropriate to advise statement-givers to sue the Institute.”

**toph:** i mean i’m so on board with that omg

**toph:** and clearly i’m going to start doing it 

**toph:** but who’s getting people to sue????

**sokka:** right?????

**zuko:** ...

**aang:** ...

**katara:** jon? martin? something to share with the class? 

**zuko:** no comment. 

**aang:** ...

**aang:** ...Jon

**aang:** Do you think its the pyjamas?

**zuko:** yes, i think it’s probably the pyjamas.

**sokka:** o phew thank fuck its still us giving bitchard the shits

**sokka:** but more importantly

**sokka:** the pyjamas?????? 

**sokka:** :0

**aang:** Do you want to tell them or should i?

**zuko:** ...you can, I suppose

**sokka:** tell us what?????

**toph:** also, u’re at a point where u know about jon’s pyjamas? :eye emoji:

**aang:** Omg melanie its not like that!

**aang:** I mean ive stayed the night but its just to be together, not

**aang:** Uh

**aang:** Anyway!!!!

**aang:** The pyjamas thing isnt actually related

**aang:** Its an idea that we had

**zuko:** because I turn up in people’s dreams when they give statements.

**zuko:** it’s the part of this I like the least, that I make them relive their trauma. I spoke to Georgie about it, and we agreed that the least I could do is offer them some kind of explanation.

**zuko:** but I can’t really move, or speak, or do anything other than lurk ominously.

**toph:** sounds like normal then

**zuko:** thank you, melanie.

**zuko:** but the one thing I can control is what I’m wearing, apparently.

**momo:** shit 

**momo:** yeah you can

**zuko:** well, I suppose you’d know.

**aang:** So we made jon some... slightly modified sleepwear

**sokka:** omg did u make assless chaps

**katara:** excuse me a second, martin

**katara:** tim o’shanter stoker.

**sokka:** what???

**sokka:** what other modifications would u make

**katara:** smh

**katara:** just put a quid in the jar

**sokka:** what for? ive done nothing wrong

**katara:** you’re being a menace to society again

**suki:** When is he not

**katara:** true, true

**suki:** Oh, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be penalised for it

**katara:** knew there was a reason i liked you, basira

**sokka:** fineeeee

**sokka:** but we were all thinking it

**momo:** stoker please trust me when when i say that we were Not

**katara:** agreed

**katara:** martin, please continue

**aang:** Yeah it wasnt assless chaps lol

**aang:** We just wrote some stuff on a shirt :)))

**aang:** Front: “sorry for the shit trauma dreams”

**aang:** Back: “im from the magnus institute if you want to sue”

**sokka:** no fucking way

**sokka:** thats iconic

**aang:** :)))

**zuko:** Martin, you’re forgetting the shorts

**aang:** Oops, my mistake :))

**sokka:** wait

**sokka:** there are shorts????

**toph:** there are fucking shorts????

**zuko:** yes.

**zuko:** that say “please sue, my boss is a prick” across the arse

**sokka:** yooooooooooooooo

**sokka:** boss thats fuckin incredible

**katara:** pics or it didn’t happen

**zuko:** ...

**aang:** ...

**sokka:** omg u guys actually have pics

**sokka:** u gotta share em now cmonnnnnn

**zuko:** if you want, Martin.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent an image _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent an image _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent an image _

[Image ID: three photos, all of Jon wearing an oversized, pale green t-shirt. The first shows Jon facing the camera, with careful capital lettering in black fabric marker spelling out the first message on the front of the shirt. The second image shows Jon with his back to the camera, with the second message written in the same handwriting. Both slogans are surrounded by small patches and patterns in bright colours--it appears someone had been artistic with the fabric markers. The third image is of Jon, again with his back to the camera, but holding the shirt up so it exposes his shorts, with the third message written across the arse in a loopy but still legible rainbow calligraphy script.]

**sokka:** holy fuck holy fuck

**sokka:** thats the best thing iv ever seen

**sokka:** ilu both

**aang:** :)))))

**suki:** And people actually have been suing? Or at least attempting to?

**suki:** Well done

**zuko:** thank you.

**zuko:** I intend to annoy that little bastard man in as many ways as possible.

**zuko:** I’m glad I have such a good team to help in that mission.

**aang:** Oh we care about giving el*as hell as much as you do :)))

**sokka:** ayup

**toph:** if he can’t fire us, i’m personally vowing to make his life as much of a misery as i can >:-)

\---

Thursday, 8:25 A.M.

_ “operation wasteland: active mission” _

**Sasha James:** babes i don’t know where you all are

**Sasha James:** but i’d advise you to get your arses here asap

**Timothy Stoker:** hngk sash u kno its my policy to not get in before the absolute stroke of 9

**Melanie King:** yeah sasha u’re in too early

**Melanie King:** ..........that’s why none of us are there yet 

**daisy:** why are you going back to this chat

**daisy:** it was mission success, right

**daisy:** they’re confirmed together

**Sasha James:** i don’t care that it’s early

**Sasha James:** and if you were here you’d understand why i’m using this chat

**Sasha James:** you need to see this

**Sasha James:** bc if i’m early, martin is here even earlier

**Sasha James:** and because he thinks he’s the only one in the office, he’s listening to music without headphones in

**Basira Hussain:** Okay, I’m coming down the stairs now

**Basira Hussain:** Ohh

**Basira Hussain:** That’s quality

**daisy:** ok it’s time to stop being cryptic

**daisy:** what’s going on

**Sasha James:** none of you deserve this because you’re not here

**Sasha James:** but you’re welcome

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: Martin is typing something at his computer and bobbing his head to music, with his back to the door. The music is just audible through the door--Hozier’s  _ Moment’s Silence _ .]

**Timothy Stoker:** omg does that mean what i think it does

**Sasha James:** i hope so???? 

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the chat “hozier is the jonmartin litmus test” _

**Timothy Stoker:** holy shit

**Basira Hussain:** Okay, Sasha and I are going in

**Basira Hussain:** Yep and as soon as he noticed us he turned the music off

**Sasha James:** to be fair, that could be bc martin just doesn’t like bothering people

**Sasha James:** or........

**Timothy Stoker:** yea i like the or ;)

**Timothy Stoker:** do u think it happened in the archives??????

**Melanie King:** i fuckin hope not

**Melanie King:** could u imagine

**Melanie King:** yikes

**Basira Hussain:** Actually, I’m trying not to imagine

**Basira Hussain:** I’m trying very hard not to imagine

**Timothy Stoker:** ur welcome :)

**daisy:** hmm my punching hand is tingling

**daisy:** watch out when you get in, stoker

**Timothy Stoker:** dais thats getting hunty

**daisy:** nope, that’s just me

**Timothy Stoker:** basira help???

**Basira Hussain:** Nah 

**Basira Hussain:** Get him, Daisy

**Timothy Stoker:** ope i just remembered im not coming in today! bye

**Sasha James:** gunpowder tim stoker if you don’t come in and help me and melanie comb through the 5243590 cardboard boxes in document storage for stuff about rituals like you promised i will actually murder you

**Sasha James:** and you already know about melanie’s proclivity for knives

**Melanie King:** :-)

**Sasha James:** so take your chances

**Timothy Stoker:** fuck

**Timothy Stoker:** why do i work w such violent people

**Melanie King:** do you want the list alphabetically or chronologically?

**Timothy Stoker:** fineeee see yall in half an hour or so

\---

12:34 P.M.

**Georgie Barker:** holy shit lads 

**Georgie Barker:** sooo i slept through my alarm and had to scramble to get to a meeting, so i didn’t have time to go through all that until now

**Georgie Barker:** but that’s just 

**Georgie Barker:** wow

**Georgie Barker:** love that for them :D

**Sasha James:** right???

**Georgie Barker:** it’s so cute that hozier is basically their entire relationship

**Sasha James:** exactly!!

**Sasha James:** i mean i know i shouldn’t be commenting on other people’s relationships

**Sasha James:** but they’re so adorable and we’re all so happy for them

**Sasha James:** and they could do with some affirmation pretty much always, particularly martin

**Georgie Barker:** yeah ah man i’m so glad for them :D

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** mr jonathan sims holy fuckin shit sir

**Georgie Barker:** i’m so glad you know what you’re comfy with when it comes to martin :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** ?

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgie, I have no idea what you’re talking about

**Georgie Barker:** sure ya don’t ;)

**Georgie Barker:** good on you, love <3

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Georgie Barker:** wahey man good on you!

**Georgie Barker:** you two deserve to make each other happy :D

**Martin Blackwood:** Um, thanks?

**Georgie Barker:** <33

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon is there something going on? 

**Martin Blackwood:** The others have been giving me weird looks all day

**Martin Blackwood:** And just like, nodding approvingly???? It doesnt feel bad, but it feels strange

**Martin Blackwood:** And now out of the blue georgie has just sent me a message saying congrats and i dont know why :////

**Jonathan Sims:** she sent me one too.

**Jonathan Sims:** and I’ve also been the recipient of some... odd looks

**Jonathan Sims:** there’s something afoot here.

**Jonathan Sims:** Sasha and Basira were in early today, would that have anything to do with it?

**Jonathan Sims:** I mean, I was in early too, but I didn’t spot anything. I was in my office all morning, you’d probably have noticed something more easily than me.

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah i didnt notice anything weird

**Martin Blackwood:** Mind you, i was listening to music while i was prepping some background stuff so i might not have picked up something if it happened quietly??

**Martin Blackwood:** Wait

**Martin Blackwood:** Omg oh nooooo

**Martin Blackwood:** I think i know whats happened

**Martin Blackwood:** I have to send a very stern message to the group chat omgggg

\---

_ “Collection Of Cursed Knowledge” _

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Guysss omg

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Sometimes i listen to hozier just because i like his music?????? Just bc jon and me have done hozier at karaoke sometimes doesnt mean everything in our relationship is based on hozier??????

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** We havent done any of That and even if we had i wouldnt be broadcasting it in the office in song omgggg

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Holy fuck guys XD

**substitute boss:** ...oops

**substitute boss:** sorry, martin! that’s absolutely on me

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Its okay honestly :))) 

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** Just put a fiver in the jar bc you definitely fucked up lol 

**Also scarred by tim stoker:** And we can never ever speak of this again

**substitute boss:** fair and valid and i will definitely pay

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_Just a hozier fan_ **

**bomb defuser:** Shit that’s incredible

**bomb defuser:** How to misread a situation 101

**substitute boss:** martin said we’re never speaking of this again and i agree with him on that one!

**cursed. demon boi:** oh babe im never gonna let u forget this ;)

\---

_ “hozier is the jonmartin litmus test” _

**Sasha James:** i fucked up

**Sasha James:** i Fucked Up babes i’m sorry

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the group “hozier is Not the jonmartin litmus test” _

**Georgie Barker:** omg sash

**Sasha James:** shhhhh

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Its all sorted :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** so what happened?

**Martin Blackwood:** ...Ill tell you later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cursed noticeboard comes by way of a comment by oswaldide, and it may recur! If anyone has ideas for things to go on the noticeboard, send them through :))  
> Oh, and if anyone wants to make fanart of Jon's "fuck you El*as" pyjamas??? I would give you my heart on a toothpick, it would make me so incredibly delighted :D  
> Also!! Thank you all for over 1000 kudos!!! I honestly can't believe that this dumbass idea has made so many people happy, myself included! Thank you thank you thank you all for your kindness and support <333


	20. aurora 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **cursed. demon boi:** so iv been thinking   
> **cursed. demon boi:** and i think i know how to calmly pressure the bossman into joining the band  
>  **bomb defuser:** Oh no  
>  **bomb defuser:** This sounds like a patented Tim Stoker Horrible Plan  
>  **cursed. demon boi:** excuse u  
>  **cursed. demon boi:** this is gonna be fab  
>  **substitute boss:** god, tim  
>  **substitute boss:** when are you going to learn that you’re not subtle  
>  **cursed. demon boi:** i can be subtle!!  
>  **cursed. demon boi:** watch and learn  
>  **bomb defuser:** And again I say: oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprises in the tunnels, and a discussion of mechsonas!

Monday, 11:10 A.M.

_“archives gaang”_

**toph:** k guys i’m doing it

 **toph:** fuck work

 **toph:** it’s tunnel exploring sesh time

 **katara:** wooo!

 **toph:** i’ve been planning this all weekend, so i came prepared

 **toph:** got my heavy-duty torch and plenty of batteries

 **toph:** got some chalk to find my way around bc i’m not a complete dumbass

 **toph:** i know my horror movie cliches and i don’t trust anything connected to this place to not be straight out of a horror movie

 **toph:** and i’ve got my knife just in case

 **toph:** i think i’m good but is there anything else i’m forgetting?

 **suki:** Sounds good to me

 **suki:** Just don’t go in the third room on your left and you should be fine

 **toph:** cheers cheers cheers, will avoid the room full of explosives

 **katara:** be careful!

 **toph:** will do

 **toph:** okay! i’m going down, fingers crossed i can still get reception in there

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “tunnel hunt uk”_

 **toph:** lol

 **toph:** right, looks like reception is still holding up so here we go

 **toph:** first of all there are still some deeply manky ex-worms down here

 **katara:** fuck worms

 **sokka:** fuck worms

 **aang:** Fuck worms

 **suki:** Fuck worms

 **momo:** fuck worms

 **zuko:** fuck worms forever and ever amen

 **toph:** second of all there are spiders as well

 **toph:** don’t worry martin, i’m not going to kill them or anything

 **aang:** Thank you!!!

 **toph:** but still, the webs are gross

 **zuko:** you can kill the spiders if you’d like

 **zuko:** if they’re normal spiders, I have no love for them

 **zuko:** and I don’t trust the Web in any way shape or form.

 **zuko:** so the fewer spiders around the institute the better.

 **aang:** Jon!!!!

 **zuko:** it’s up to Melanie, of course

 **zuko:** but as her boss, I’m giving her permission

 **toph:** noted and appreciated

 **toph:** i’m not going to go out of my way to kill them, but i’m not going to lose sleep if i step on one accidentally

 **toph:** apart from the various disgusting bugs it’s looking pretty normal down here actually

 **toph:** it’s almost disappointing

 **toph:** it’s just stony and tunnely

 **momo:** nothing weird?

 **toph:** nothing weird

 **toph:** lads idk who else came down here (daisy, basira, was this one of u on ur c4 stockpiling missions?)

 **toph:** but can we all agree to treat this like a us nature reserve or whatever

 **toph:** leave no trace

 **toph:** there’s polo mint wrappers and stuff in the corridors

 **toph:** put em in ur pocket and take em back out with u

 **suki:** I don’t know who it was, but it wasn’t us

 **momo:** .

 **momo:** .

 **suki:** Daisy, tell me you didn’t

 **momo:** look, i don’t think i had polo mints

 **momo:** but i may have been a bit snacky when we were bringing stuff in the last time

 **sokka:** “stuff”

 **sokka:** “““stuff”””

 **katara:** ooo tim 

**katara:** how are you feeling?

 **katara:** i got mildly crisped by that withering glare as it went past me

 **sokka:** yea im kinda scorched

 **momo:** good.

 **momo:** ...it is possible i left a wrapper or two in the tunnels

 **suki:** Daisy.

 **momo:** i didn't think i did, but it's possible

 **toph:** cool

 **toph:** but from now on, leave no trace, yeah? 

**suki:** Don't worry, we will

 **suki:** I'll make sure of it

 **sokka:** hey daisy how come basira doesnt get the icy glare for that?

 **momo:** bc i like her more than i like you

 **sokka:** booo

\---

11:58 A.M.

 **toph:** ok lads i’m nearly back out

 **toph:** honestly there’s not much here? the tunnels are grim as fuck but kinda underwhelming, all things considered

 **toph:** pretty twisty, but at least with my chalk i’ve been able to keep track of where i was going

 **toph:** shouldn’t be too much longer

 **zuko:** well, congratulations on surviving, Melanie

 **toph:** cheers

 **toph:** yep i’m out now

 **aang:** Ah great!! Cuppa?

 **toph:** please

 **aang:** On its way :)))

\---

Tuesday, 1:34 P.M.

_“operation mechs mk 2”_

**cursed. demon boi:** so iv been thinking 

**cursed. demon boi:** and i think i know how to calmly pressure the bossman into joining the band

 **bomb defuser:** Oh no

 **bomb defuser:** This sounds like a patented Tim Stoker Horrible Plan

 **cursed. demon boi:** excuse u

 **cursed. demon boi:** this is gonna be fab

 **substitute boss:** god, tim

 **substitute boss:** when are you going to learn that you’re not subtle

 **cursed. demon boi:** i can be subtle!!

 **cursed. demon boi:** watch and learn

 **bomb defuser:** And again I say: oh no

\---

_“archives gaang”_

**sokka:** okay but boss if u did join that band w plastic fantastic, ud have to get us involved

 **sokka:** even tho were not avatars 

**sokka:** u gotta

 **sokka:** wed be new mechs tho, its not fair to like

 **sokka:** steal ur old mates performance identities

 **sokka:** thats a real nikola move

 **sokka:** anyway were part avatars part mechs

 **sokka:** itd be fantastic

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “aurora 2.0”_

 **sokka:** i mean uv already got a character sorted

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_first mate d’ville_ **

**first mate d’ville:** no

 **first mate d’ville:** no no no

 **first mate d’ville:** Tim, I am not doing this

 **first mate d’ville:** I’m not repeating the Mechs again

 **sokka:** sucks to be u 

**sokka:** bc im sure doing it and im p sure i can drag the others in with me >;)

 **sokka:** now, i claim gp tim’s knockoff cousin

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_c4 tim_ **

**c4 tim:** i got blown up in a circus which is why theres a sense of Animosity bw me and nikolas character who im pretty sure will just be nikola

 **c4 tim:** (this is based on the fact that up until just recently if i could blow up plastic fantastic i absolutely would! nothing better than basing a backstory on real life right)

 **c4 tim:** the explosion blew off my arms so they got replaced

 **c4 tim:** also i can play moderately shitty guitar so i actually can pull my weight in the band

 **katara:** oooh

 **_Sasha James_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_not-sasha_ **

**first mate d’ville:** Sasha, I thought you were the sensible one

 **not-sasha:** jon? jon, my dearest boss?

 **not-sasha:** please shut up :)

 **not-sasha:** yep so taking tim’s idea of backstory inspired by real life events, i’m not-sasha

 **not-sasha:** the Thing in the tunnels actually killed and replaced me in this timeline, but i got better

 **not-sasha:** (thanks to my brain getting mechanised by persons unknown)

 **not-sasha:** but because my brain got replaced, i’m not sure if i’m the person i once was

 **not-sasha:** ...or that’s what i tell people to explain why i don’t quite act like i used to...

 **toph:** oo spooky

 **not-sasha:** thank

 **not-sasha:** (but dw! in canon i did hunt down the Thing and utterly destroy it :) )

 **toph:** good

 **not-sasha:** i don’t play any instruments but hopefully my karaoke proves that i can be a decent backup singer at least :)

 **aang:** Aw sasha it does :)))

 **suki:** This is getting very DnD and I’m liking it

 **suki:** When I used to DM, I did miss character creation

 **suki:** I’m... Seph Hades, an ex private eye who was left for dead in an investigation gone bad, took violent, bloody revenge on the perpetrators, then discovered she liked the violence more than the investigation

 **not-sasha:** nice

 **_Basira Hussain_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_Seph Hades_ **

**momo:** and what basira won’t tell you is that she used to play bass

 **c4 tim:** omg really???

 **Seph Hades:** Oh, is this how we’re playing it, Daisy?

 **Seph Hades:** Because if it is, I can tell them that you still play the violin

 **toph:** holy fuck daisy

 **momo:** fuck

 **momo:** i can’t deny it, but if any of you ever repeat it to another living soul, i’ll hunt you down

 **momo:** actually, there’s an idea

 **momo:** fuck it, i’ll own the hunt thing for this character

 **momo:** she’ll have metal teeth and claws and a metric fuckin ton of scars and she just shoots crap like i wanted to when i had the hunt manifesting as police brutality screaming in my blood

 **toph:** purely fictionally? that’s my kinda gal

 **toph:** i’m gonna draw from the toph thing and and say i’ve got robot eyes, a fuckin bunch of knives, and a lot of pure and all-consuming rage (which i could direct into a drumkit actually)

 **toph:** ohh i’ve got a cool name now

 **_Melanie King_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_hawkeye mcqueen_ **

**hawkeye mcqueen:** also she got shot by a ghost bc that’s badass and also fuck u jon, ghosts definitely exist in this weirdass world we’re making up

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i see u typing jon and u can just stop :-)

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** daisy, have u got a name yet?

 **momo:** yeah i think i’ve got something

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_nova o blodyn_ **

**Seph Hades:** Nice one, Dais

 **first mate d’ville:** christ.

 **first mate d’ville:** I can’t believe all of you have gone along with this ridiculous idea.

 **first mate d’ville:** Daisy, Basira, you especially

 **first mate d’ville:** Martin, you’re my last bastion of sanity

 **first mate d’ville:** thank you for staying with me

 **aang:** Oh no ive just been thinking about all the details for my character :)))

 **first mate d’ville:** Martin

 **first mate d’ville:** please

 **c4 tim:** yesssssssssssss marto

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_K_ **

**K:** What does the k stand for??? Nobody knows

 **K:** He was raised in isolation for nearly all his life and the only thing he was taught was about the upcoming end of the world 

**K:** But then he escaped, and he fell in love

 **K:** But because this is a tragedy, the man he loved was forced to go through hell, so now k is out to a) rescue the love of his life, b) get revenge on the evil prick who separated them and c) probably end the world while hes at it

 **not-sasha:** shit yeah martin! i always love your dnd character backstories and this is just as good :)

 **K:** Ahh thanks sasha!!! 

**K:** Yeah its fun to get a bit tragic sometimes, in a controlled setting :PP

 **K:** Anyway i used to play clarinet in like high school??? But im not sure if youd want that in a band so i reckon i could be a backup singer like sash :)))

 **first mate d’ville:** well, I can’t deny that you can sing well, Martin

 **first mate d’ville:** but I trusted you

 **first mate d’ville:** and you’re all doing this to me

 **first mate d’ville:** ...and anyway, if we were to start up this band, who’s to say I’d still want to play the Johnny D’Ville persona? I might want to branch out

 **first mate d’ville:** that’s a very, Very big if, though.

 **c4 tim:** nope ur talking like ur considering it so the band is defo a go :D

 **c4 tim:** thx boss! rehearsals will b on thurs nights down here in the archives, bitchard wld hate having an avatar band rehearse in the building

 **first mate d’ville:** ...there is that.

 **first mate d’ville:** hm, there is very much that.

\---

_“operation mechs mk 2”_

**substitute boss:** yeah no tim you cannot be subtle

 **cursed. demon boi:** admittedly thats valid

 **substitute boss:** but fuck that was fun

 **cursed. demon boi:** ;)

 **cursed. demon boi:** and more importantly? it worked

\---

Wednesday, 8:22 P.M.

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon is everything okay?? I just heard your “ive got an evil plan” soft chuckle from the other room

 **Jonathan Sims:** can’t tell you, for plausible deniability

 **Jonathan Sims:** but you’ll find out soon

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oooooo sounds delightfully ominous

 **Martin Blackwood:** But dont stay in there for too long?? Im finding the font documentary weirdly interesting and id like to finish it soon :P

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll be there shortly

\---

8:24 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Sasha James_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Sasha, I know you’re thought of as something of a hacker

 **Sasha James:** ...for work reasons, i’ll neither confirm nor deny that

 **Sasha James:** why do you ask?

 **Jonathan Sims:** say there was a file I wanted to be anonymously distributed to everyone working at the institute

 **Jonathan Sims:** in theory, could that be done?

 **Sasha James:** purely theoretically, i think so

 **Sasha James:** there’s a way of doing something like that

 **Jonathan Sims:** perfect.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Melanie will hopefully be sending you a file later.

 **Jonathan Sims:** don’t tell her what you’ll do with it, I need as much plausible deniability here as possible

 **Sasha James:** i’m definitely intrigued

 **Jonathan Sims:** good

 **Jonathan Sims:** keep an eye out for Melanie’s message.

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Melanie King_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Melanie, can I ask a favour?

 **Melanie King:** never a good sign

 **Melanie King:** what’s up?

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’re the only one in the team with video editing expertise.

 **Jonathan Sims:** can you edit these together?

 **Melanie King:** oho

 **Melanie King:** this is sounding interesting

 **Jonathan Sims:** eb1.m4a

 **Jonathan Sims:** eb2.m4a

 **Jonathan Sims:** eb3.m4a

 **Jonathan Sims:** eb4.m4a

**Jonathan Sims:** eb5.m4a

**Melanie King:** ...what are these

 **Jonathan Sims:** watch them

 **Melanie King:** ...sure

\---

8:29 P.M.

 **Melanie King:** that. is fucking incredible

 **Melanie King:** of course i’ll edit them together

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you.

 **Melanie King:** want me to chuck a track over it?

 **Melanie King:** i reckon the benny hill theme would suit that collection pretty well...

 **Jonathan Sims:** if you wouldn’t mind

 **Jonathan Sims:** that would be absolutely perfect.

 **Melanie King:** :-)

 **Melanie King:** oh jon just while i’ve got u here

 **Melanie King:** and while i remember

 **Melanie King:** there’s something kinda weird with the tunnels

 **Melanie King:** i think someone might be getting in from the outside?

 **Melanie King:** i mean, the tunnels go on and on for ages, i’ve got no idea how long they really extend

 **Melanie King:** but i don’t think i go that far from the institute

 **Melanie King:** and the others either don’t go down there, or they’ve told me that they’re careful, and i believe them

 **Melanie King:** but i’ve been down a few times now, and i keep finding crap down there

 **Melanie King:** food wrappers, mostly, and one time there was a takeaway coffee cup, which was rank

 **Melanie King:** and i’m sure that basira and daisy aren’t doing it, i got pretty firm vibes that daisy did it that one time, but basira was going to be very strict on rubbish duty

 **Melanie King:** oh and before u ask, it’s not the same crap each time, i do pick it up

 **Melanie King:** naturally i’ve been taking my knife down but i haven’t seen anyone

 **Melanie King:** so

 **Melanie King:** mr spooky

 **Melanie King:** can u See if there’s someone or something down there?

 **Jonathan Sims:** you know I can’t See that well in the tunnels

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I’ll try

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...there’s nothing

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...less than nothing, actually.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I mean, even what I’d normally be able to See is blocked.

 **Melanie King:** which means?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not sure.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’d like to believe that whatever is down there is a someone, not a something, because somethings don’t usually leave ordinary food wrappers behind

 **Jonathan Sims:** but there’s definitely something there that’s messing with my perception, and that doesn’t suggest it’s a normal person.

 **Jonathan Sims:** whatever it is, be very careful if you go into the tunnels alone.

 **Melanie King:** sir yes sir

 **Melanie King:** honestly for fuck’s sake jon i’ve been ghost hunting for ages

 **Melanie King:** (and here’s a preemptive shut the fuck up :-) )

 **Melanie King:** and i’ve been working here for a while and haven’t died yet

 **Melanie King:** i know how to take reasonable precautions

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know

 **Jonathan Sims:** but still.

 **Jonathan Sims:** things happen, and I don’t want anything to happen to the people I care about.

 **Jonathan Sims:** which somehow includes you

 **Melanie King:** ew gross

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know

 **Melanie King:** but cheers

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll have a look in the tunnels myself tomorrow.

 **Melanie King:** thanks

 **Melanie King:** ditto with knobs on about u taking care of urself

 **Melanie King:** at least i know i can handle myself

 **Melanie King:** u, on the other hand, would snap like a twig

 **Jonathan Sims:** but this twig is a spooky twig and has a few tricks up its sleeve.

 **Melanie King:** yesssssss u finally caved and said that u’re spooky :-D

 **Melanie King:** oh i’m so proud of u

 **Jonathan Sims:** that’s the first and last time you’ll ever witness me saying it.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but there it is

 **Melanie King:** well just for that i’m gonna start editing those clips together right away

 **Jonathan Sims:** send Sasha the completed file when you’re done

 **Jonathan Sims:** remember, plausible deniability is the watchword

 **Jonathan Sims:** she’ll know what to do with it.

 **Melanie King:** concerning! i like it

 **Melanie King:** u actually have good ideas sometimes

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you, I’ll take that

\---

10:51 P.M.

 **_Melanie King_ ** _to_ **_Sasha James_ **

**Melanie King:** got a video file for u

 **Melanie King:** jon said u’d be expecting it?

 **Sasha James:** yeah

 **Sasha James:** idk what it is, but he told me you’d be sending something

 **Sasha James:** he’s being so cryptic

 **Sasha James:** “plausible deniability” and all

 **Melanie King:** yeah now i know why

 **Melanie King:** but i guarantee u’re gonna love it

 **Sasha James:** what is it???

 **Melanie King:** see for urself

 **Melanie King:** bitchardhill.m4a

 **Sasha James:** the fuck is this filename omg

 **Sasha James:** hang on

\---

10:56 P.M.

 **Sasha James:** holy shit

 **Sasha James:** that’s amazing :D

 **Melanie King:** i’m not going to ask what he’s asked u to do with it

 **Melanie King:** but i have a feeling i’ll be seeing it again soon?

 **Sasha James:** ;)

\---

Thursday, 9:41 A.M.

_“aurora 2.0”_

**c4 tim:** lads holy Fuck

 **c4 tim:** i take it weve all seen the video

 **c4 tim:** im up in research atm but ash showed me when it came thru

 **nova o blodyn:** ohh, that we have

 **nova o blodyn:** it’s a work of art, and i don’t say that lightly

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** absolutely quality video editing

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** the clips are pretty good too i’ll admit, el*as making a complete arse of himself is always iconic

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m just going to copy it to the chat so we’ve got a record of it

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: a compilation of clips of Elias taken by the secret camera in his office, set to the Benny Hill theme: Elias going to sit down at his desk, but missing his chair and awkwardly landing on the edge of the seat, narrowly avoiding falling off altogether; Elias absent-mindedly taking something out of a paper bag and biting into it, then gagging incredibly gracelessly as he realises it was an onion, tears visible in his eyes; Elias attempting to sign a form and getting increasingly angry as he finds out that all of his pens are dead; Elias sitting with his back to his office door, drinking a cup of tea, and violently starting as Peter Lukas enters, causing him to spill tea all over his crotch; and Elias trying and repeatedly failing to throw a ball of crumpled paper from his desk into a wastepaper bin in the corner of his office, eventually kicking the bin over out of clear rage, then setting it upright, dropping the paper ball in from directly above it, then walking back to his desk--pausing for a moment to glare once more at the bin, then at the scuff mark the kick left on his shoe.]

 **nova o blodyn:** fuck i love seeing him suffer

 **c4 tim:** dont we all >:)

 **c4 tim:** theres no sender on the email and i have 0 idea how that works

 **c4 tim:** any ideas sash?

 **not-sasha:** i mean, i suppose it can be done

 **not-sasha:** potentially

 **Seph Hades:** Of course, of course, we wouldn’t expect you to know how to do something like that

 **Seph Hades:** Well, I’m sure we all have No Idea who could have taken the footage, edited it together, or sent it to the entire institute

 **Seph Hades:** But if I did know that person, or group of people, I’d be very impressed with them

 **first mate d’ville:** and I’m sure they would appreciate that.

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** You, mr head archivist, are a bloody evil genius and i love you

 **Jonathan Sims:** I have no idea what you’re talking about

 **Jonathan Sims:** I don’t know where this video could have come from

 **Jonathan Sims:** I certainly didn’t make it, or distribute it

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I will make certain to say as much if El*as asks me any questions about it

 **Martin Blackwood:** Of course ;)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** did you want to do lunch today?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ve been meaning to go to the little Indian place a few blocks away, I thought it might be nice to try

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yes!! Sounds fab :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** I am planning to go into the tunnels shortly, there’s something I need to check

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I should be back well in time for lunch

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** But be careful, yeah??? Please dont get kidnapped again, i dont think my heart could take it :(((

 **Jonathan Sims:** I promise not to get kidnapped, Martin.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Good

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well, take care and have fun?? I guess???

 **Martin Blackwood:** Xxx

 **Jonathan Sims:** xx

\---

12:29 P.M.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jon, youre not still in the tunnels, are you???

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im ready to go for lunch whenever you are :))

\---

12:32 P.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** my apologies, Martin

 **Jonathan Sims:** I

 **Jonathan Sims:** while I am still very much keen to go for lunch when I get back

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, I’m still in the tunnels for the moment.

 **Jonathan Sims:** something has come up.

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...I need to tell the whole group.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jon you havent been fucking kidnapped again????

 **Jonathan Sims:** I promised you I wouldn’t, remember?

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I will not break a promise to you

 **Jonathan Sims:** but this is... big.

\---

_“aurora 2.0”_

**first mate d’ville:** I’m in the tunnels.

 **first mate d’ville:** Melanie was concerned that someone from the outside might have been getting in, so I went down to investigate

 **first mate d’ville:** I walked round for about an hour, and I was just heading back, when

 **first mate d’ville:** well.

 **first mate d’ville:** Melanie wasn’t entirely wrong, but neither was she entirely right.

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** so??????

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** there was something down there????

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** what/who is it????

 **first mate d’ville:** you’re not going to like this.

 **first mate d’ville:** it’s Jurgen fucking Leitner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqPK3habeMk) amiright? Bc with the Thing gone, we still can't have just Good And Normal tunnels :P  
> (There won't be any brutal pipe murder, but also Leitner is a Fool and a Dingus, so Words will most definitely be had...)  
> And re the earlier part of the chapter... I mean, it's only a matter of time before one of the assistants tries to get in touch with Nikola to start the band, and now Jon's slightly on board... that can only mean it's avatar band time!  
> In other news, your humble author's Masters thesis was approved by my uni's grad school board last week! It still staggers me that this fic is many, many times longer than the very important piece of work my whole degree was based on, but hey, the enjoyment factor is much higher for this :D


	21. “u’re a pathetic arrogant little man” -jonathan sims @ tunnel bitch 2kforever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Georgie Barker:** oh i know that face  
>  **Georgie Barker:** ohhhh boy  
>  **Georgie Barker:** our jonathan is about to go Off The Shits  
>  **Melanie King:** yeah we've all seen him go feral around el*as  
>  **Georgie Barker:** oh no no no  
>  **Georgie Barker:** for jon, hating elias is practically a hobby, it's almost an enjoyable hatred  
>  **Georgie Barker:** particularly since he's started getting his own back  
>  **Georgie Barker:** and sure, he's perpetually irritated  
>  **Georgie Barker:** but this is the face that comes seconds before an explosion of incandescent righteous rage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JURGEN LEITNER? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFU--

Thursday, 12:33 P.M.

_“aurora 2.0”_

**K:** Im sorry What 

**K:** Who is Where what the Fuck

 **K:** I thought he was dead????

 **first mate d’ville:** apparently not.

 **c4 tim:** motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker

 **c4 tim:** melanie lend me ur knives im gonna go cut a bitch

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** no need

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m willing to use em myself

 **first mate d’ville:** I think you should all come down for this

 **first mate d’ville:** he’s got quite some explaining to do.

 **not-sasha:** no shit

 **not-sasha:** how do we get to you?

 **first mate d’ville:** I used green chalk arrows when I went down there, so if you follow those, you’ll find us

 **first mate d’ville:** if I haven’t punched him first

 **c4 tim:** i dont wanna miss that

 **c4 tim:** were on our way

 **first mate d'ville:** hurry up

 **first mate d'ville:** the sooner you get here, the sooner I can go for a cigarette

 **first mate d'ville:** christ I need a fucking smoke

 **K:** Jon you are not smoking 

**K:** You said youve been clear for five years and im going to force you to keep that up

 **K:** Were not putting all this effort into saving you from Big Spooky only for you to kill yourself with lung cancer i swear to god

 **first mate d’ville:** ...yes, Martin

 **K:** Thank you jon!!!!

 **K:** Well be down as soon as we can :)))

\---

_“hozier is Not the jonmartin litmus test”_

**Timothy Stoker:** holy shit yall ive never seen jon back down that fast before

 **Sasha James:** martin’s got the gift

 **Georgie Barker:** jon? backing down?

 **Sasha James:** it’s more likely than you think!

 **Georgie Barker:** damnnn

\---

 **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to_ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** This sounds like it might be dangerous

 **Basira Hussain:** I mean, he is the evil book man 

**Alice Tonner:** yep

 **Alice Tonner:** stop by the boom room on our way through? 

**Basira Hussain:** Please never let Tim hear you say that

 **Basira Hussain:** He would be insufferable

 **Basira Hussain:** But yeah, that's probably a good idea

 **Alice Tonner:** i know

 **Basira Hussain:** This better not take too long

 **Basira Hussain:** Jon seems to think it’s important

 **Basira Hussain:** But I’ve got my appt at 5:30 and I’d better not miss it, it’s too late and too expensive to cancel

 **Alice Tonner:** who’d have thought that we need the exact opposite of couples counselling to be a better couple

 **Basira Hussain:** Right

 **Basira Hussain:** “You’ve Both Been Through Some Shit But Your Partner Isn’t Infallible: How To Trust Other People And Not Be So Incredibly Fucking Co-Dependent 101”

 **Basira Hussain:** “You May Have Been Taught To Think In An Us-Them Way On The Force But That’s Neither A Healthy Nor A Sustainable Mindset”

 **Basira Hussain:** And here was me thinking getting out of the force would make things better

 **Alice Tonner:** pfft

 **Alice Tonner:** well wasn’t that a fucking lie

 **Alice Tonner:** thank god for therapists, huh

 **Basira Hussain:** Damn straight

\---

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Melanie King_ **

**Georgie Barker:** hey love, what was all that about in the other chat? 

**Melanie King:** tl;dr version: jon wants a smoke, martin’s not letting him

 **Georgie Barker:** okay, he hasn't touched a cigarette for years

 **Georgie Barker:** that's a stress habit. a very bad stress habit, so thank god he listens to martin

 **Georgie Barker:** so. long version, please :P

 **Melanie King:** k so did jon ever tell u about the evil spider book?

 **Georgie Barker:** uh i think so?

 **Georgie Barker:** a guest for mr spider, or something like that?

 **Melanie King:** yeah that’s the one

 **Georgie Barker:** yup he did

 **Georgie Barker:** why? have you found it again?

 **Melanie King:** even worse!

 **Melanie King:** we found the arsehole who collected it and almost a thousand other books like it!

 **Georgie Barker:** shitdamn

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah jon goes off the shits whenever one of his books comes up at work

 **Georgie Barker:** what’s his name??? janky lighter or something???

 **Melanie King:** ahahahaha fuck g that’s gold

 **Melanie King:** i’m calling him that forever now

 **Georgie Barker:** lol

 **Georgie Barker:** what’s his actual name?

 **Melanie King:** jurgen leitner

 **Melanie King:** u’d think he’d sound scandinavian with a name like that but he’s got the plummiest posh accent and Such a punchable face

 **Georgie Barker:** pleaseeeeee tell me one of you has punched him 

**Melanie King:** unfortunately not

 **Melanie King:** but martin is in position to physically hold jon back if he needs to

 **Melanie King:** omg

 **Melanie King:** jon: so. what the *actual* fuck is going on here.

 **Melanie King:** janky: well, there are these... entities, i suppose u’d call them. manifestations of humanity’s fears-

 **Melanie King:** jon: yeah, we know all that already. i’m somehow linked to the eye bc i’m the archivist, etc etc etc

 **Melanie King:** janky: ...u know all that already?

 **Melanie King:** jon: yes. keep up.

 **Melanie King:** janky looks so confused and it’s absolutely fuckin beautiful

 **Georgie Barker:** oh brilliant :D

 **Melanie King:** ohhh and now jon’s got all spooky asking on his arse

 **Melanie King:** “what was the purpose of your books? your... library?”

 **Melanie King:** i won’t lie it’s kinda cool to hear him get his spooky on

 **Melanie King:** ...okay now i regret that bc janky Will Not shut the fuck up

 **Melanie King:** hang on u’ll want to see this

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: a photo of Jon, his mouth pursed so tightly his lips are just a thin line, and his eyebrows drawn into a dark scowl. He’s staring at the second person in the photo, a round-faced, nondescript oldish man who appears to be talking happily, completely oblivious to the palpable waves of hatred and fury that are radiating off Jon.]

 **Georgie Barker:** oh i know that face

 **Georgie Barker:** ohhhh boy

 **Georgie Barker:** our jonathan is about to go Off The Shits

 **Melanie King:** yeah we've all seen him go feral around el*as

 **Georgie Barker:** oh no no no

 **Georgie Barker:** for jon, hating elias is practically a hobby, it's almost an enjoyable hatred

 **Georgie Barker:** particularly since he's started getting his own back

 **Georgie Barker:** and sure, he's perpetually irritated

 **Georgie Barker:** but this is the face that comes seconds before an explosion of incandescent righteous rage

 **Georgie Barker:** to put things into perspective

 **Georgie Barker:** the last time i saw him look like that, he ripped the living piss out of some dickwad who deliberately misgendered one of his bandmates

 **Melanie King:** oh my god

 **Georgie Barker:** yep

 **Georgie Barker:** so if you love me you’ll start recording a video now

 **Melanie King:** on it, chief

\---

12:58 P.M.

 **Melanie King:** oof started recording just in time

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: Jon, still facing Leitner with that look of intense fury on his face. The video started slightly too late to pick up the first words of the sentence, and he’s already in full flow.

“--your stupid, _stupid_ hubris led you to this, it’s nobody’s fault but your own that you’re in this situation! And what were you thinking, that you could contain books that were linked to the entities? I can understand you not knowing at the beginning, but if you built your entire library on Smirke’s principles, you must have had a good knowledge of the entities by then. You thought that you, one man, could manage all these artefacts? I’m sorry, clearly you weren’t thinking at all! Smirke’s principles, hah! Do you remember what happened to Smirke himself? His students? And you thought that his writings would keep you safe? I’d laugh, if what you did wasn’t so truly fucking awful--”

After a moment, the camera swings round to show the others: Tim is grinning, and throws a thumbs-up at the camera as soon as he notices. Sasha is staring delightedly at Jon, with her fist stuffed in her mouth to keep from laughing. Martin is standing behind Jon, clearly ready to step in if fists start to fly, but for the moment, he’s just nodding sagely after Jon says something particularly cutting.

“--and to think you put your own name inside them! “Oh no, I nearly got beaten up by an angry goth!” Well, whose fault was that? You thought it would be your great work, and people would think well of you when they saw your name in one of those godawful things? Newsflash, you colossal prick, if people saw your bookplate, it would mean that one of those books, which ruins lives at best and kills people at worst, had made its way into the general public! How could you not make that kind of connection? It was never about keeping these things out of the way of the public for you, it was always about you! Your meaningless fucking legacy, your own ego, thinking that you could control, or at least manage, them, so don’t come looking to me for sympathy if your grand plans backfired on such a catastrophic level--”

The camera pans to Basira, who raises her eyebrows and mimes chucking a stick of C4 over her shoulder, as if to say “well, we certainly won’t be needing this”. Next to her, Daisy is biting her lip, trying to keep her smirk under control. The camera, when it awkwardly twists around to show half of its holder’s face, reveals that Melanie has no such compunctions, as she grins madly and sticks her tongue out.

“--you know what else you can do? You can use those “skills of acquisition” to reacquire those books right the fuck back, and make amends to the people whose lives you’ve ruined by getting rid of them once and for all! And of course I don’t trust you to do that, which is why one of my team will be checking in with you on a regular basis, to make sure that you don’t come anywhere close to hoarding these books again! I don’t care what powers they might hold, I don’t care how important they might be--they’re incredibly dangerous, and you don’t have to be an avatar of the Eye to know that as long as they’re active in the world, people will die! You need to rectify the messes you and your fucking overinflated pride caused, and that won’t take anything less than wiping these hell books off the face of the planet--”

The camera returns to Leitner, and zooms in on the man’s bewildered face. He is, for once, speechless; unable to do much more than blink dumbly in the face of Jon’s tirade.

“--and one last thing! I don’t care if you’re living in these tunnels, I couldn’t care less where you choose to hide yourself, but if you’re going to be here, you need to start cleaning up after yourself! There’s so much mess in these tunnels, food wrappers and the like, and that needs to stop right now. If we can find you, so can other people, and I doubt you’d want Elias to know you’re down here, hmm? More importantly, it’s actually fucking disgusting, so for once in your existence, put your back into something, and pick up your damn rubbish! Honestly! You’re a pathetic, arrogant little man, and it’s time you grew up!”

The silence, when Jon finishes, is almost deafening. Into the sudden chasm of noiselessness, Melanie lets out a cheer, and Tim and Martin join in. Jon, only now seeming to realise that there are other people in the room, turns to Melanie.

“Were you... recording...?”

The video goes shaky and dark, picking up a muttered “oh fuck” before it ends.]

 **Melanie King:** luckily he did not eviscerate me for that

 **Melanie King:** which is good bc i suspect everyone will want that as a reminder of jon going apeshit and janky being stunned into not talking for a whole five minutes

 **Georgie Barker:** oh my fucking god

 **Georgie Barker:** cleansed my skin, watered my crops

 **Georgie Barker:** i love completely batshit jon so much

 **Melanie King:** so much more fun than regular jon

 **Melanie King:** i mean, he’s gonna have an aneurysm by the time he’s

 **Melanie King:** wait, how old is he actually?

 **Georgie Barker:** a year younger than me :P

 **Melanie King:** holy Fuck

 **Melanie King:** really????

 **Melanie King:** i don’t believe that

 **Georgie Barker:** yep

 **Georgie Barker:** it’s true

 **Melanie King:** but he’s so greyyy and he has the vibes of an 80-yo

 **Georgie Barker:** he’s always had the vibes of an 80-yo lol

 **Melanie King:** god i need to hear more of ur stories about uni jon

 **Georgie Barker:** oh, i’ve got plenty :D

 **Melanie King:** ace

 **Melanie King:** where was i going with this?

 **Melanie King:** oh ya jon is gonna have an aneurysm by the time he’s like. 35

 **Melanie King:** but fuck that was so satisfying

 **Georgie Barker:** i can imagine :D

\---

1:19 P.M.

_“aurora 2.0”_

**_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** and just for posterity

 **_Melanie King_ ** _renamed the group ““u’re a pathetic arrogant little man” -jonathan sims @ tunnel bitch 2kforever"_

 **first mate d’ville:** ...

 **nova o blodyn:** no don’t be ashamed of it, that was fucking incredible

 **first mate d’ville:** it felt so good

 **first mate d’ville:** I wanted to punch him but this felt so much better 

**Seph Hades:** Good, I’m glad you didn’t punch him

 **Seph Hades:** Christ, can you imagine if anything happened to him, and it got found out? That'd be a sectioned case for sure, and it would Not go well

 **nova o blodyn:** assault of weird man in tunnels, prime suspect the spooky-looking case of sleep deprivation on legs that calls himself the head archivist

 **nova o blodyn:** sims you wouldn't fuckin survive that

 **first mate d'ville:** you're probably right there. 

**first mate d'ville:** but shouting at him was certainly cathartic

 **c4 tim:** ur not wrong :D

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** gotta agree with the official office gremlin there, it was fuckin ace

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i can't believe i have this much respect for u now

 **c4 tim:** right lads on that note im gonna yeet out bc i badly need carbs

 **c4 tim:** specifically a greggs sausage roll

 **c4 tim:** anyone else want smth?

 **Seph Hades:** I’ve brought lunch, but thanks anyway

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah i’ve got leftover thai from last night, cheers tho

 **nova o blodyn:** steak bake, ta

 **nova o blodyn:** hang on a mo, i’ll give you a couple of quid

 **c4 tim:** mintox :thumbs up emoji:

 **first mate d'ville:** Martin, are you still keen to go for Indian? 

**K:** Yes for sure!!

 **K:** I need lunch dates with a good spooky man to take my mind off the bad spooky man :)))

 **first mate d'ville:** then we're fine, Tim, thank you

 **not-sasha:** lol on your way out put a quid in the jar each thanks :)

 **not-sasha:** you can't help being cute and i'm determined to get drinks out of it!

 **first mate d'ville:** you're a hard taskmaster, Sasha James

 **not-sasha:** i know :)

 **not-sasha:** oh tim i'll have a chicken bake thanks! tell me how much it is and i'll pay you back :)

 **c4 tim:** cheers

 **c4 tim:** right then, im off

 **first mate d'ville:** oh, before I forget

 **first mate d’ville:** Daisy, Basira, Melanie

 **first mate d’ville:** one of you would be my first choice for Leitner liaison

 **first mate d’ville:** would one of you be able to take that up? all going to plan, it will hopefully involve a lot of arson and threatening that insufferable prick.

 **nova o blodyn:** nah i’m out

 **nova o blodyn:** i’d be too tempted to beat ten kinds of crap out of him

 **nova o blodyn:** which is not great for multiple reasons

 **nova o blodyn:** most important being that Beating People Up Is Bad

 **nova o blodyn:** secondly, it’d take too long

 **nova o blodyn:** bc up until now, i’ve only discovered seven kinds of crap

 **nova o blodyn:** and while i imagine i'd enjoy finding the other three, it would take time we just don't have

 **first mate d’ville:** that’s fair, I suppose.

 **first mate d'ville:** more about the first point than the second, but they're both valid

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** it’s a no from me also

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** ew

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i just Do Not Want

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** and i am allergic to dumbass janky lighter man

 **first mate d’ville:** ...

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** do u need a medical certificate? hang on a minute and i can get u a medical certificate

 **first mate d’ville:** I don’t need a medical certificate.

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** too late i’m getting u one

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** bc u r the type of boss who is dependent on paperwork to the point where u demand that employees justify their every loo break :-)

 **first mate d’ville:** excuse you I am Not

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** jk

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** anyway here it is

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: a photo of a handwritten note on a post-it. The note reads “Ms Melanie King is unable to be on Leitner liaison duty as she has a chronic and possibly fatal allergy to being in close proximity to that terrible bag of turds. Signed, Dr Georgina Barker, PhD, MD, etc etc etc”]

 **first mate d’ville:** ah yes, that looks perfectly legitimate.

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** thank u

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** it is

 **first mate d’ville:** Basira, that just leaves you

 **first mate d’ville:** would you do it?

 **Seph Hades:** Ah, fuck it

 **Seph Hades:** Sure

 **Seph Hades:** I’ll keep him in line

 **Seph Hades:** And I wouldn’t mind a bit of setting bad things on fire

 **first mate d’ville:** thank you

 **K:** Hey i thought arson was my wheelhouse :(((

 **K:** I mean im not saying i want to be anywhere near him

 **first mate d’ville:** my thoughts exactly.

 **first mate d’ville:** and that godawful man doesn’t deserve anything nice

 **first mate d’ville:** ...and you’re the nicest thing I can think of, so

 **first mate d’ville:** no Martin for the bastard

 **K:** Aw jon :)))

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** romance on main romance on main romance on main

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** pay the fuck up :-)

 **not-sasha:** yep that's £2 each now :)

 **K:** This seems incredibly targeted :((((

 **nova o blodyn:** it is

 **Seph Hades:** Yeah, it is

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah i have a (wonderful) gf who’s part of this friends group even though she doesn’t work here

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** and we still manage not to be romantic on main

 **K:** Hey shes not even in this gc, thats not fair >:(((((

 **not-sasha:** we all want free(ish) drinks, martin

 **not-sasha:** and we take joy in the minor suffering of others when they have to part with a whole £1 or £2

 **K:** Hmph

 **c4 tim:** aw marto some of the bossman’s grumpy has rubbed off on u 

**K:** Hey :///

 **first mate d’ville:** hey.

 **Seph Hades:** I mean, that just there proves he’s got a point

 **first mate d’ville:**...right, well.

 **first mate d’ville:** we’re going for lunch, and I hope we’ll find you all doing appropriate work when we get back.

 **c4 tim:** lol

 **first mate d’ville:** please?

 **not-sasha:** i’ll try and keep them in line :)

 **first mate d’ville:** thank you.

 **not-sasha:** enjoy your lunch!

\---

_“operation mechs mk 2”_

**cursed. demon boi:** that was a lie right sash

 **substitute boss:** ofc

 **substitute boss:** but please at least try to look like you’ve been productive for when they get back?

 **cursed. demon boi:** ill do my best ;)

 **daisy:** why does that fill me with the exact opposite of confidence

\---

Friday, 9:24 A.M.

_“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”_

**elias hater #0:** oh no.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a screenshot_

[Image ID: an email from Elias, asking Jon to report to his office for an urgent meeting at Jon’s earliest convenience]

 **elias hater #4:** u’re not going, are u?

 **elias hater #0:** I think I have to

 **elias hater #0:** ...the downside to that video, whoever took it and sent it around, is that now the Bastard In Chief knows that there is a camera in his office

 **elias hater #2:** ah bugger

 **elias hater #0:** indeed.

 **elias hater #2:** well. he knows there’s one.

 **elias hater #3:** omg boss u didnt

 **elias hater #0:** I will neither confirm nor deny anything you might be thinking

 **elias hater #0:** as I really couldn’t say anything about any specific details of the cameras in Elias’s office

 **elias hater #0:** but eagle-eyed watchers may have noted that the clips from that video, although they’re all taken by the same camera, were nonetheless taken from a different angle to the video of him getting glitter-bombed

 **elias hater #3:** just checked the group photo and fuckkk ur right :D

 **elias hater #3:** boss every time u post in this chat u become even more of my hero

 **elias hater #6:** How many cameras are there?

 **elias hater #0:** more than one, fewer than ten

 **elias hater #6:** Good planning

 **elias hater #0:** I have no idea what you’re talking about and therefore cannot respond

 **elias hater #6:** Understood

 **elias hater #0:** but now I have to have an actual one-on-one meeting with him to convince him of that

 **elias hater #0:** ugh.

 **elias hater #1:** Youve got this jon :))))

 **elias hater #0:** thank you.

 **elias hater #0:** ugh I’m walking down the corridor now and I’m trying to suppress my visceral reaction of stomach-churning disgust

 **elias hater #3:** nah nah nah dont do that

 **elias hater #3:** just chuck up on his shiny shiny shoes pls

**elias hater #0:** too late, I’m going in

\---

10:02 A.M.

 **elias hater #0:** what a horrible little man.

 **elias hater #1:** Omggg youre alive!!!

 **elias hater #1:** How did it go???

 **elias hater #0:** good lord it was The most painful meeting I’ve ever had to endure

 **elias hater #0:** I think I’m secure enough in my position that I can let a tiny amount of the sheer withering contempt I feel for him show through

 **elias hater #0:** and he has explicitly said that he can’t fire us

 **elias hater #0:** but I still have to pretend to be mostly civil. disgusting.

 **elias hater #0:** even though every time I see him, I want to visit all the torments of the world upon him

 **elias hater #0:** I want to strategically place used chewing gum on the floor somewhere he can’t help but step on it

 **elias hater #0:** and watch him deal with a Mess on those shiny, shiny brogues.

 **elias hater #3:** i volunteer my gum-chewing services :D

 **elias hater #5:** me too

 **elias hater #4:** big same

 **elias hater #0:** I’ll bear that in mind.

 **elias hater #0:** he is also a stupid little man in that he still doesn’t think I had anything to do with the cameras

 **elias hater #0:** possibly because I told him nothing but the truth

 **elias hater #0:** plausible deniability pays off once again

 **elias hater #1:** Wahey jon 

**elias hater #0:** unfortunately, he still suspects that someone in the archives was behind the video, and I can’t apologise for that enough

 **elias hater #0:** I believe he’s going to schedule individual interviews with you all.

 **elias hater #4:** well fuck that noise 

**elias hater #4:** guess i’m never coming in to work again ever

 **elias hater #4:** goodbye forever

 **elias hater #3:** noooooooooooo boss i will Die

 **elias hater #3:** do u want that?? do u?????

 **elias hater #3:** my death will be on ur conscience

 **elias hater #2:** tim you've got nothing to complain about

 **elias hater #2:** some of us were actually involved, they're the people who are justifiedly freaking out rn

 **elias hater #4:** yep they sure fuckin are

 **elias hater #1:** No well think of something. We have to!!!

 **elias hater #5:** i mean. offer still stands

 **elias hater #1:** Omggg daisy no were not having murder in the archives!!!

 **elias hater #1:** I think we just need to play on his preconceptions??? He feels like a guy who relies way too much on the boxes he mentally put us in when we first met imo

 **elias hater #6:** Oh, good point

 **elias hater #1:** Weve got to pool our resources and come up with something, but weve got the weekend at least

 **elias hater #2:** thank god for that

 **elias hater #1:** We can sort all this out later (aka not in the archives???), but i promise itll get sorted out :)))

 **elias hater #2:** pub planning sesh?

 **elias hater #4:** ace

 **elias hater #1:** Sounds perfect!

 **elias hater #0:** oh.

 **elias hater #0:** and he said that “I just want to remind you, while you’re here, that the institute’s premises are to be used for institute activities only.”

 **elias hater #6:** Oh no

 **elias hater #5:** that’s red rag to a bull kinda talk

 **elias hater #5:** and i’m loving where this is going

 **elias hater #5:** bouchard, you Fucked Up

 **elias hater #3:** wait wait wait omg boss r u actually gonna

 **elias hater #0:** yes.

 **elias hater #0:** yes I am.

 **elias hater #1:** Jon omg :DDD

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _added_ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _,_ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _,_ **_Sasha James_ ** _,_ **_Melanie King_ ** _,_ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _,_ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _and_ **_[unknown]_ ** _to the group_

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _renamed the group “fuck Elias: the band”_

 **Jonathan Sims:** Elias has all but explicitly said he doesn’t want this band to go ahead.

 **Jonathan Sims:** ergo

 **Jonathan Sims:** here we are.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, invite all the avatars you know

 **Jonathan Sims:** because the band is happening.

 **[unknown]:** !

 **[unknown]:** I Knew You’d Come Around To My Point Of View, Archivist!

 **Jonathan Sims:** please don't take offence, but this has literally nothing to do with you and everything to do with making sure that El*as can never have anything he wants

 **[unknown]:** I’ll Take That!

 **Sasha James:** as indeed will i 

**Timothy Stoker:** fuck yes boss

 **Timothy Stoker:** absolute ledge 10/10

 **Alice Tonner:** oi sims is that the official name? i've got a mate who can print us tshirts

 **Melanie King:** yeah g and i both have contacts who can do us up merch :-)

 **Jonathan Sims:** it is not the official name

 **Jonathan Sims:** (probably)

 **Jonathan Sims:** but in any case, I’m glad this meets with such universal approval.

 **Jonathan Sims:** rehearsals start next Thursday

 **Jonathan Sims:** here. in the archives.

 **Timothy Stoker:** fuck yessssssss

 **Jonathan Sims:** we will play steampunk folk cabaret in the halls of the Beholding and Elias will despise every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof lads it's been a while but it's finally here! Cheers for waiting :))  
> A little note about updates: through September, updates might slow to weekly, depending on how much time I've got--I'm part of the writing team for Were|House, a visual novel being made for Spooktoberjam 2020! Go check out [the DemiDato tumblr](https://demidatodev.tumblr.com/) for a plot synopsis and updates, it's gonna be super cool :D  
> Also! Some incredibly awesome people now own my entire heart for creating beautiful art of Jon's "fuck you Elias" pyjamas! Many many many thanks to ghoulemporium (ao3)/[starryknightart (insta)](https://www.instagram.com/p/CEtnceflh7i/), [octopiconsortium (tumblr)](https://octopiconsortium.tumblr.com/post/628091724599869440/wanted-to-draw-something-from-we-should-ride-this) and StarReads (ao3)/[itstmathistime (tumblr)](https://fuckitstmathistime.tumblr.com/post/627669815555932160/inspired-by-this-fic-sometimes-you-accidentally)!!!! Please go check all of these artists out, I love their work so so much <333  
> Also also, s5 act 2 is Going Hard......... heck, I'm loving every moment but there is No Chill whatsoever :P Daisy and Basira's convo is inspired by parts of 177--in these halls, they're absolutely working on being less us-vs-them :)


	22. martin k(ing of the archives) blackwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Timothy Stoker:** iv been trying to convince these dorks to come kayaking w me for aaaages but they keep turning me down  
>  **mike:** how would you feel about skydiving?  
>  **Timothy Stoker:** never tried it but id be hella keen one day :D  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** can we all keep this somewhat on topic, please?  
>  **Timothy Stoker:** soz boss, have u even met me?  
>  **mike:** tim ill pm you and we can sort something out!  
>  **Timothy Stoker:** :thumbs up emoji:  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** good lord, this is going to be like herding cats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The band goes ahead! Unfortunately, so too do El*as's individual meetings...

Tuesday, 9:03 A.M.

_“u’re a pathetic arrogant little man” -jonathan sims @ tunnel bitch 2kforever”_

**not-sasha:** ope and there it is

 **first mate d’ville:** email from El*as?

 **not-sasha:** unfortunately

 **not-sasha:** at least i’ve got 2 hours before i have to deal with the beast

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** ew

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** disgusting bastard man

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i might be first? i’m scheduled for 10:30

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** anyone before me?

 **K:** Im at 12.30, so........ no, not me

 **nova o blodyn:** i’m at 11.30

 **Seph Hades:** 12

 **Seph Hades:** It looks like he’s organised it in order of who he thinks is most likely to have done it

 **c4 tim:** lol

 **c4 tim:** then who else would be first, babey?

 **c4 tim:** im up at 10

 **c4 tim:** also i v deliberately had a kebab from the slightly dodgy shop near mine last night

 **c4 tim:** im not gonna shit myself or anything but it always gives me mad wind the next day

 **not-sasha:** oh tim no

 **not-sasha:** tell me that wasn’t what you meant when you said you had a secret weapon

 **c4 tim:** oh tim yes

 **c4 tim:** it absolutely was

 **c4 tim:** so apol to everyone after me

 **Seph Hades:** That’s... all of us, you realise

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** fuck u i’m immediately after

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** seriously

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** fuck u

 **c4 tim:** soz not soz ;)

 **c4 tim:** i plan to smoke bitchard out of his own office

 **not-sasha:** nurofen for effective timporary pain relief stoker

 **not-sasha:** please tell me you’re joking

 **c4 tim:** sash my darling babe i am Not

 **first mate d’ville:** right. well, I am refusing to associate any more with this content

 **not-sasha:** lol jon good idea

 **first mate d’ville:** I’m trusting you all have a plan?

 **first mate d’ville:** if you all survive this encounter and leave El*as none the wiser, I’ve got a way to take any further suspicion off you

 **Seph Hades:** Yeah, we’ve got a plan

 **first mate d’ville:** glad to hear it.

 **first mate d’ville:** well, good luck, all of you

 **first mate d’ville:** as penance for dropping you all in it, I’ll handle the cursed noticeboard while you’re in there

 **Seph Hades:** Oh, cheers

 **K:** Jon thats two weeks in a row......

 **first mate d’ville:** I’ll be fine, Martin

 **first mate d’ville:** It’s just some notices, they don’t really affect me as much

 **K:** ...Okay, if youre sure :))

 **first mate d’ville:** I’m sure.

 **first mate d’ville:** I’ll head up and do it now

 **c4 tim:** ooo tell us the best ones

 **first mate d’ville:** of course

 **first mate d’ville:** what do you take me for?

 **first mate d’ville:** I’ll report back shortly

\---

9:25 A.M.

 **first mate d’ville:** here we go

 **first mate d’ville:** highlights:

 **first mate d’ville:** there’s a note up that just says “want to make easy money? call John” and then a number

 **first mate d’ville:** it’s all smudged with dirt

 **first mate d’ville:** somehow, I think the person who called that number wouldn’t be quite as lucky as Joshua Gillespie was.

 **nova o blodyn:** oh Fuck no

 **nova o blodyn:** send that one into the sun

 **first mate d’ville:** will do

 **first mate d’ville:** oh

 **first mate d’ville:** I thought I took these down last week?

 **K:** What are they??

 **first mate d’ville:** little scraps of glittery, coloured paper

 **first mate d’ville:** no note, no adverts, just bright paper

 **first mate d’ville:** in the exact same spots as last week

 **not-sasha:** i’ve had those too, i think

 **first mate d’ville:** ...ah

 **first mate d’ville:** it’d have to be from Michael. or Helen.

 **not-sasha:** ahh right, makes sense

 **first mate d’ville:** this one’s from your friend, Martin

 **first mate d’ville:** plain A4, just has a number with “please don’t call” underneath

 **first mate d’ville:** I should note that it’s in comic sans.

 **K:** Oh my goddddd cleanse it with fire

 **K:** Peter lukas needs to keep his foggy arse out of our archives 

**K:** Hes bad vibes to the max :((((

 **first mate d’ville:** it’s on the pile, don’t worry

 **first mate d’ville:** and the last one is an ad for Open Skydiving

 **first mate d’ville:** “open your mind to the freefall”

 **K:** Okay but can simon fairchild and his cursed adverts just fuck off???

 **Seph Hades:** I mean

 **Seph Hades:** The point of the cursed noticeboard does seem to be to collect them

 **K:** Yes alright, fair point, but shhhh

 **c4 tim:** id give skydiving a shot actually, it does seem fun

 **nova o blodyn:** never picked you for a vast fucker, stoker

 **c4 tim:** ;)))))

 **nova o blodyn:** n o

 **first mate d’ville:** and that’s my cue to put my phone down and head to the ceremonial steel bin, feel free to join before or after your meetings

 **c4 tim:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **c4 tim:** hopefully i wont die from proximity to the bastard

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** we’re all hoping for the same

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** not necessarily about u :-)

 **c4 tim:** well at least im gonna give back as good as ive got >:)

\---

9:58 A.M.

 **c4 tim:** hnggg here i go

 **c4 tim:** blech

 **K:** Good luck tim!!!

 **c4 tim:** thx marto! 

**hawkeye mcqueen:** please don’t be too feral

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** take pity on the poor bastard (me) who’s in after u

 **c4 tim:** u kidding? feral is my middle name

 **c4 tim:** if bitchard isnt green by the end of this then i wasted my kebab money

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** jesus fuck

 **c4 tim:** right lads

 **c4 tim:** see u on the other side!

\---

10:17 A.M.

 **c4 tim:** well he let me go pretty quick

 **c4 tim:** not sure if he believed me when i said i didnt do anything

 **c4 tim:** but for some reason he didnt seem to want me to stick around :)

 **nova o blodyn:** you’re horrible, but you’re effective

 **c4 tim:** thank u, daisy

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** well i'm not going in any time before i absolutely have to

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** fingers crossed ur disgusting fug will have cleared by then

\---

11:03 A.M.

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** jesus fucking christ tim u’re a biological hazard

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** it was a solid 15 minutes between when u came out and i went in

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** so how the fuck come my eyes still watered as soon as i set foot in there

 **c4 tim:** dont blame me

 **c4 tim:** blame the kebab shop :)

 **c4 tim:** fuck their kebabs are so tasty but they do Not agree w me

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** no shit sherlock

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** on the plus side, bitchard didn’t seem to have his heart in questioning me

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** just trotted out the planned answers like “i didn’t plant a camera in ur office” (true) and “yes i have video editing experience, as u know, but i don’t know anything about hacking email clients” (also true) and “i was just as surprised as anyone when i saw that video had gone out to the entire institute” (amazingly still true)

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i mean, he took forever, he asked me lots of questions

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** but i don’t think he cared that much about my answers 

**hawkeye mcqueen:** apart from seeing if they were true

 **Seph Hades:** Oh good!

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** sash was about to go in as i was leaving, hopefully she’ll survive too

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** oh, and i managed to plant the fake spider on the underside of his desk >:-)

 **Seph Hades:** That’s two down, four to go

\---

11:31 A.M.

 **not-sasha:** three down, three to go

 **c4 tim:** wahey!

 **not-sasha:** luckily i didn’t get any of tim’s disgusting leftovers

 **not-sasha:** he put his knee on the spider when he pulled his chair in and was vaguely unsettled for the whole rest of the meeting

 **not-sasha:** gave him the whole spiel about “i certainly didn’t put that video together, i’ve never edited a video in my life!” and he seemed confused but satisfied

 **not-sasha:** ending on “was that all, or would you like to keep me from my duties in the archives for even longer?” was a nice touch

 **not-sasha:** i left the other spider by his weird skull on my way out

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** fuck i love this

\---

11:46 A.M.

 **nova o blodyn:** done

 **nova o blodyn:** just gave him the Stare the whole time

 **nova o blodyn:** he was done with me pretty quickly

 **nova o blodyn:** basira, he says he’s ready for you

 **Seph Hades:** On it, cheers

 **c4 tim:** as someone whos on the receiving end of the Stare a lot

 **c4 tim:** im surprised he lasted as long as he did

 **first mate d’ville:** I’m going to enjoy reviewing these tapes...

 **first mate d’ville:** I’m so proud of you all when you commit yourselves to plaguing this bastard man

\---

12:03 P.M.

 **Seph Hades:** Also done! Martin, you can go in now

 **Seph Hades:** He’s very confused

 **Seph Hades:** He’s got no idea who did it, but he Knows it wasn’t me, and he’s certain it won’t have been you, Martin

 **K:** Good!

 **K:** Jon, can i borrow one of your tape recorders?

 **first mate d’ville:** of course

 **first mate d’ville:** why?

 **K:** :))))

 **first mate d’ville:** oh.

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** he’s doing the slow nod

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** martin, what are u planning?

 **K:** :))))))))

\---

12:25 P.M.

 **K:** 6 of 6 safe and unharmed by el*as!

 **K:** Also!!!! I did it!!!!

 **K:** And i bet you all thought i wouldnt but here is the conclusive proof

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _sent an audio file_

[Audio ID: a few seconds of a conversation. The crackle of static betrays the audio as being a recording of a tape recorder playing back.

[click]

Martin: Oh, and... um, one last thing?

Elias: Yes, Martin, go ahead.

Martin: No, Institute Head Bouchard, _you’re_ not wearing pants!

[sounds of general Elias confusion]

Elias: Wh- what? Martin?

[sounds of a door closing firmly, a beat of silence, then Martin chuckling quietly]

[click]]

 **not-sasha:** !!!!

 **first mate d’ville:** impeccable job, Martin. pure poetry

 **c4 tim:** holy fuckin shit u absolute legend marto!!!

 **nova o blodyn:** yesss martin!

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** ahahaha yes martin! get fucked bitchard!

 **Seph Hades:** Oh, well done :)

 **K:** Thank you all, thank you

 **K:** The look of pure confusion on his face was a thing of beauty :)))

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “martin k(ing of the archives) blackwood”_

 **first mate d’ville:** I quite agree

 **first mate d’ville:** and to add to the general good mood

 **first mate d’ville:** I’ve just done the hardest thing I’ve ever done

 **nova o blodyn:** what did you do

 **nova o blodyn:** sims, it better not be something terrible

 **first mate d’ville:** well, it sort of is

 **first mate d’ville:** for me, not for any of you

 **first mate d’ville:** I’ve just voluntarily emailed El*as to set up a meeting.

 **first mate d’ville:** as of... hopefully Friday, he won’t suspect you of anything else.

 **K:** Jon, are you sure this is a good idea???

 **first mate d’ville:** El*as bases all his judgements on his preconceptions, and he has a very clear path in his mind set out for me

 **first mate d’ville:** if I play my cards right, this will go very well indeed.

 **c4 tim:** u two are the fkn archives power couple :D

 **c4 tim:** bitchard will never know whats hit him

\---

2:02 P.M.

_“fuck Elias: the band”_

**[unknown]:** Hello, Everyone!

 **[unknown]:** I’ve Asked A Few Avatars I Know If They’d Like To Be In The Band!

 **[unknown]:** Should I Add Them To The Chat?

 **Timothy Stoker:** as long as one of them isnt jude perry

 **Timothy Stoker:** bad vibes

 **[unknown]:** No Jude Perry!

 **Jonathan Sims:** go ahead

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ, I’m already so deep in this

 **Jonathan Sims:** and the more avatars we’ve got, the more pissed El*as will be

 **[unknown]:** Great! I’ll Go Ahead And Add Them! :o)

 **_[unknown]_ ** _added_ **_Michael Crew_ ** _,_ **_Oliver Banks_ ** _and_ **_Agnes Montague_ **

**[unknown]:** Everyone, This Is Mike, Oliver and Agnes!

 **[unknown]:** Helen And Michael Will Be Joining Us On Thursday, Too

 **[unknown]:** I Also Tried Asking My Friend Andrew To Join Us, But He Wasn't Available, Which Is A Shame

 **[unknown]:** He’s An Avatar Of The Buried With A Very Good Voice

 **Timothy Stoker:** wait

 **Michael Crew:** uh, hey all, nice to meet you

 **_Michael Crew_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_mike_ **

**Alice Tonner:** oh good point

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_daisy_ **

**mike:** nikola mentioned something about an avatar band?

 **mike:** i play acoustic guitar so sure, im in

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, it's avatars and archives staff

 **Jonathan Sims:** most of us in this chat work at the Magnus Institute

 **Jonathan Sims:** but we're glad to have you

 **mike:** ew, the eye

 **Melanie King:** u. i like u.

 **mike:** heh, cheers

 **mike:** look, in my experience eye people are mostly just nerds who dont go outside enough

 **Timothy Stoker:** right???

 **Timothy Stoker:** iv been trying to convince these dorks to come kayaking w me for aaaages but they keep turning me down

 **mike:** how would you feel about skydiving?

 **Timothy Stoker:** never tried it but id be hella keen one day :D

 **Jonathan Sims:** can we all keep this somewhat on topic, please?

 **Timothy Stoker:** soz boss, have u even met me?

 **mike:** tim ill pm you and we can sort something out!

 **Timothy Stoker:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **Jonathan Sims:** good lord, this is going to be like herding cats.

 **Oliver Banks:** Hang on, you’re from the Magnus Institute?

 **Oliver Banks:** The archives, you said?

 **Oliver Banks:** ...I’m assuming the previous Archivist isn’t around anymore?

 **Oliver Banks:** Ms Robinson, wasn’t it?

 **Jonathan Sims:** Gertrude. yes.

 **Jonathan Sims:** she died.

 **Oliver Banks:** Yeah, I’m sorry to hear that

 **Oliver Banks:** She was nice enough when I came to give my statement, very professional, and I hoped she’d avoid it, but... 

**Oliver Banks:** Some things are inevitable, I’ve found.

 **Oliver Banks:** So, Jonathan, are you the new Archivist?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jon be careful!! Hes an end avatar, we dont know if we can trust him!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin, I think we’re far past that.

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ll be inviting them into the archives to rehearse, I think they’d notice the plate on my office door at some point

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...Fine

 **Jonathan Sims:** Oliver, yes, I’m the new Archivist.

 **Jonathan Sims:** if you couldn’t gather as much from Tim and Martin 

**Jonathan Sims:** Have you had prior dealings with the institute?

 **Oliver Banks:** ...yeah, I gave a statement to Ms Robinson, you might’ve read it?

 **Jonathan Sims:** no guarantees, the filing system was a complete mess when we inherited it

 **Oliver Banks:** ...probably doesn’t help that I didn’t use my real name

 **Oliver Banks:** It would have been by “Antonio Blake”

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...ah.

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, I’ve seen it.

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...thank you for at least trying to warn her, anyway.

 **Martin Blackwood:** That was you?

 **Oliver Banks:** Yeah

 **Oliver Banks:** ...is that a problem? I can not be in the band, if you’d prefer

 **Oliver Banks:** I don’t know how much use a cello would be, anyway

 **Oliver Banks:** And I really don’t want to make things weird

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...No

 **Martin Blackwood:** No, youre fine :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** And things are already weird here, im sure more people would be fine :))

 **Oliver Banks:** Thanks :)

 **Sasha James:** hang on, sorry to butt in, but... agnes montague?

 **Sasha James:** aren’t you

 **Sasha James:** fuck, this is gonna sound incredibly tactless

 **Sasha James:** but aren’t you meant to be dead?

 **Agnes Montague:** faked it

 **Agnes Montague:** well, I thought I would die

 **Agnes Montague:** but I didn’t

 **Agnes Montague:** and after that, I just wanted to be normal for once, so

 **Agnes Montague:** I didn’t tell any of the others I was still alive

 **Timothy Stoker:** fair point, fair point

 **Timothy Stoker:** so ur not a card-carrying fire messiah anymore?

 **Basira Hussain:** Tim

 **Timothy Stoker:** what, its a genuine q

 **Basira Hussain:** But if she still is, is she the sort of person you’d want to piss off?

 **Basira Hussain:** Still, she might burn down the archives if she’s pissed off...

 **Agnes Montague:** I’m not a fire messiah anymore

 **Agnes Montague:** I’ve decided to make my own destiny, which right now, involves singing in a band

 **Agnes Montague:** still, I’m not against a little bit of fire

 **Agnes Montague:** as a treat

 **Martin Blackwood:** Omg youre definitely coming to guy fawkes at mine :))))

 **Agnes Montague:** :)

 **daisy:** i put my phone down for two minutes to go take a leak

 **daisy:** and i come back to this?

 **daisy:** right.

 **daisy:** first things first, if any of you try to fuck around with me or basira or any of the archives staff, or if you decide to get your monster on, i will beat your arses and that is a promise

 **daisy:** that said, the band should be fun

 **daisy:** but i can’t deal with this gc

 **daisy:** sims, keep me updated with rehearsal details and all that.

 **daisy:** i’m out, see you thursday

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _has left the group_

 **mike:** intense

 **mike:** shes got a point tho, this gc is nuts

 **Timothy Stoker:** yea shes like that

 **Timothy Stoker:** she was mostly joking tho

 **Oliver Banks:** She’s Hunt-aligned, isn’t she?

 **Basira Hussain:** Will we have issues if she is?

 **Oliver Banks:** Not at all

 **Basira Hussain:** Good.

 **Melanie King:** look speaking as the other “violent one™” in the archives, there are a lot of threats of stabbing but on the whole we’re pretty nice and don’t go through with any of them

 **Melanie King:** unless it’s directed at el*as bitchard but these Cowards didn’t let me go through with it

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s more satisfying to destroy him psychologically.

 **Jonathan Sims:** hence the band, which is why we’re all here

 **Jonathan Sims:** so. let’s talk logistics.

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ve got a good number of singers, a couple of guitar players, electric bass, cello and violin, percussion, optional clarinet

 **Martin Blackwood:** Omg please dont rely on my clarinet skills

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im happy to give it a shot but full disclosure, i havent played since i left school

 **Jonathan Sims:** no, it’ll be good to have in reserve

 **Jonathan Sims:** some songs just need something else

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I’m sure you’ll be exactly as good as we need

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aw jon thanks :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** but in terms of logistics...

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’re missing keys

 **Jonathan Sims:** which is manageable, but suboptimal

 **[unknown]:** I’d Be Happy To Play Keys If I Can Play The Calliope Organ That You Have In Artefact Storage! :oD

 **Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Sasha James:** no

 **Martin Blackwood:** No

 **Timothy Stoker:** no

 **Basira Hussain:** No

 **Melanie King:** no

 **[unknown]:** Well, That Seems Pretty Conclusive :o(

 **[unknown]:** Luckily I Have A Plan B!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...what is it?

 **[unknown]:** Wait And See!

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ.

 **[unknown]:** But I Promise We’ll Have A Keyboard Player By Thursday!

 **mike:** ngl i was kinda dubious about all this

 **mike:** but fuck its gonna be chaos

 **mike:** love it

 **Timothy Stoker:** chaos is only the start ;)

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’d hoped it wouldn’t be, but I suppose it’s too late for that.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll set up a doodle poll and you can all put in your availabilities for Thursday

 **Sasha James:** already on it!

 **Sasha James:** https://doodle.com/poll/ie4tzi4aygvkc7m 

**mike:** :thumbs up emoji:

\---

2:39 P.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** right, results are in, and it looks like 8pm here in the archives suits everyone.

 **Jonathan Sims:** see you all then

 **Martin Blackwood:** And those of you who havent done it already, dont forget to come up with your cool mechs-type names and backstories :))))

 **[unknown]:** Will Do!

 **mike:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **Agnes Montague:** :)

 **Oliver Banks:** On it!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Great!!!! Cant wait to see you all :))))

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** rehearsal is on Thursday at 8, here in the archives.

 **Jonathan Sims:** are you okay?

 **Alice Tonner:** fine

 **Jonathan Sims:** really?

 **Alice Tonner:** it’s fine.

 **Alice Tonner:** but it’s a constantly-active group chat full of avatars

 **Alice Tonner:** it was starting to stress me out

 **Alice Tonner:** in a bad way

 **Alice Tonner:** thought it’d be safer for everyone if i just left

 **Alice Tonner:** myself included

 **Jonathan Sims:** what fun, trying to balance being vessels for the spooky with being an actually decent human being

 **Jonathan Sims:** but we’re trying. we really are trying, we’re getting help from the others, and on the whole we’re succeeding. and that’s what counts.

 **Alice Tonner:** yeah. thanks

 **Jonathan Sims:** we should start a support group for avatars trying not to be shitty.

 **Alice Tonner:** hah, isn’t that the band?

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh, true.

 **Alice Tonner:** anyway, thanks for asking, i guess

 **Jonathan Sims:** any time.

\---

 **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to_ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** Hey :)

 **Basira Hussain:** Want to go for a coffee and a walk?

 **Alice Tonner:** yeah

 **Alice Tonner:** if we go by the park we might see the beagle from the weekend

 **Basira Hussain:** Sounds good

 **Basira Hussain:** I’m proud of you for knowing when to step back

 **Basira Hussain:** And I’m really glad you’re taking care of yourself

 **Alice Tonner:** thanks

 **Alice Tonner:** jon checked up on me too, so i'm doing okay

 **Basira Hussain:** Thought the fresh air still might do you some good, though

 **Alice Tonner:** yeah, i think it will too

 **Alice Tonner:** now hurry up, it’s coming up peak dog walking time

 **Basira Hussain:** Aye aye, partner :P

\---

_“martin k(ing of the archives) blackwood”_

**c4 tim:** k but are we all gonna casually overlook the fact that plastic fantastic possibly just confirmed hozier as an entity???

 **nova o blodyn:** yes

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** wait, did she?

 **not-sasha:** omg fuck i think she did :o

 **K:** ...Welp

 **first mate d’ville:** ...indeed

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, Martin?

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you for not being jealous

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jealous??? Who said i was jealous???

 **Martin Blackwood:** Bc im not!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay, maybe just a little bit ://

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s okay to feel that way

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I appreciate you trying to be nice to Oliver despite it

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about, though x

 **Martin Blackwood:** I know :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** And i do feel better about him bc he at least tried to warn gertrude

 **Martin Blackwood:** Its just that youre such a catch tho <33

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin, you’ll make me blush!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Its true tho!!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** and the same to you.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aw <333

\---

Wednesday, 10:57 A.M.

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** Hi Jon, you told me to message you directly if two big cockney deliverymen ever came to the institute?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Well, they're here now

 **Rosie Kendall:** I think they have a package for you, should I send them down?   
**Jonathan Sims:** Thank you, Rosie.

 **Jonathan Sims:** But no, I’ll come to reception to meet them.

 **Rosie Kendall:** Okay, sure

 **Rosie Kendall:** See you in a minute!

\---

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** I have no idea what they’re doing down in the archives

 **Sonja Zhao:** lol honey nobody does

 **Rosie Kendall:** Ain’t that the truth

 **Rosie Kendall:** But a couple of... pretty distinctive deliverymen came to reception just now

 **Rosie Kendall:** They’ve been here before, I think, and Jon told me to tell him if they ever came back, so I did

 **Rosie Kendall:** They had a package for him

 **Rosie Kendall:** Not sure what it was, it was pretty small

 **Rosie Kendall:** But he would Not let them in the archives

 **Rosie Kendall:** He’s never had a problem with deliverymen before?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Although I’ll admit that they gave me some very strange vibes

 **Rosie Kendall:** But he and these two guys had a very intense whispered conversation before they handed the package over

 **Rosie Kendall:** I just got a weird feeling from the whole thing

 **Sonja Zhao:** omg Ro

 **Sonja Zhao:** were these two guys cockney and built like brick shithouses?

 **Rosie Kendall:** That’s a pretty fair description

 **Sonja Zhao:** yeah, they were the ones who dropped off the weird hypnotable a few months back

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh right!

 **Rosie Kendall:** Did you get the weird feeling too?

 **Sonja Zhao:** you bet your butt I did

 **Rosie Kendall:** I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with spooky people other than giving them directions

 **Sonja Zhao:** you say that, but you’re in contact with Elias and the archives staff fairly regularly

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh damn, true

 **Rosie Kendall:** Still, beats dealing with the artefacts

 **Sonja Zhao:** oh you’ve got no idea how right you are

 **Sonja Zhao:** and on that note, the CTEP is doing its thing again, gotta go!

 **Rosie Kendall:** The chair that eats people?

 **Sonja Zhao:** that’s the one

 **Rosie Kendall:** Good luck!

 **Sonja Zhao:** thanks

\---

11:19 A.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_[unknown]_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, did you send me a book?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I mean, I know the answer is going to be yes

 **Jonathan Sims:** seeing as it came through Breekon and Hope

 **[unknown]:** Yes I Did! It’s For Our Band!

 **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola.

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s a very creepy book with no connection to music whatsoever.

 **Jonathan Sims:** how is it relevant to the band?

 **[unknown]:** Read The Last Page!

 **[unknown]:** Aloud

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...you know I don’t trust you, right

 **[unknown]:** I Know

 **[unknown]:** But This Is For The Band

 **[unknown]:** I Wouldn’t Use The Band To Do Anything Bad, I Promise

 **[unknown]:** Just Read The Last Page? Please?

 **Jonathan Sims:** well

 **Jonathan Sims:** never let it be said that I make good decisions.

\---

_“martin k(ing of the archives) blackwood”_

**first mate d’ville:** can everyone who’s here meet me in my office, please?

 **nova o blodyn:** office office or “office” office

 **first mate d’ville:** the latter, please

 **nova o blodyn:** why do i even bother asking

 **nova o blodyn:** basira and i are on our way

 **not-sasha:** yep, coming!

 **K:** Yep ive got tim and melanie, were heading down

 **first mate d'ville:** good

 **first mate d'ville:** I'm about to do something incredibly stupid 

**Seph Hades:** Yeah, we’re on our way

\---

11:42 A.M.

 **not-sasha:** holy shit

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** ^^^

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** because i’ve hunted ghosts for years? and i sure wasn’t expecting to see an actual ghost come out of a book? what the fuck?

 **not-sasha:** no it’s not that

 **not-sasha:** although okay, it kinda is

 **not-sasha:** but

 **not-sasha:** the pun

 **c4 tim:** ohhhh my god

 **c4 tim:** ahahahaha oh my fuckin god

 **Seph Hades:** What pun?

 **not-sasha:** gerry keay

 **c4 tim:** on keys

 **nova o blodyn:** nnngh i hate you both

 **not-sasha:** love you too!

 **K:** Id just like everyone to know that tim literally crossed the room so he could hi-five sash

 **c4 tim:** and im proud of it

 **first mate d’ville:** I can’t believe I still work with you people

 **c4 tim:** god fuck i Cannot wait for rehearsal

 **c4 tim:** its gonna be such a mess :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back! Thanks for your patience--updates are still gonna be on the slow side, but hopefully the wait won't be as long :)  
> Tim reaches new lows this chapter... I get writing, and nothing but Feral pops out, and I can't bring myself to delete any of it :P  
> Yes, Martin's audio clip absolutely is a callback to ch 16 :D  
> Today's cursed noticeboard credit to: Riannonkat2000, dreamerinasmallworld, and MelodyAR! Thanks for your suggestions, everyone, and keep 'em coming :D  
> The avatars in the band were suggested by a few good pals, who came up trumps when I asked "hey, which avatars would you like to see pop up in the chatfic?" about a month ago :D I had to get a bit creative with the timeline (particularly for Agnes...), but it's provided a) an absolutely chaotic group chat, and b) a good bit of fun :D  
> Fyi, at one point in the drafting process, there was a scene where Nikola messaged Julia Montauk about getting the skin book... It didn't really add anything, so I cut it, but just so you know, that's where it came from :)


	23. aaa (avatar-free assistants alcohol)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[unknown]:** We’re Here!  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** okay, I’ll come up to reception and bring you down.  
>  **Sasha James:** i’m coming back from the bathroom, why is everyone shouting?  
>  **Sasha James:** oh  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, when you say you’re here, that should mean that you’re in reception, not that you’re about to step out of the Distortion’s doors straight into the archives  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** actually, this goes for everyone  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** p l e a s e do not just step out of the Distortion door straight into my archives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First rehearsals, meetings, drinks and domesticity :)

Thursday, 8:01 P.M.

_ “fuck Elias: the band” _

**[unknown]:** We’re Here!

**Jonathan Sims:** okay, I’ll come up to reception and bring you down.

**Sasha James:** i’m coming back from the bathroom, why is everyone shouting?

**Sasha James:** oh

**Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, when you say you’re here, that should mean that you’re in reception, not that you’re about to step out of the Distortion’s doors straight into the archives

**Jonathan Sims:** actually, this goes for everyone

**Jonathan Sims:** p l e a s e do not just step out of the Distortion door straight into my archives

**[unknown]:** How Else Are We Going To Get A Keyboard, A Cello, An Electric Bass, And A Full Drum Kit Into The Archives?

**[unknown]:** (Yes, I Brought You All Instruments, You’re Welcome)

**[unknown]:** (I Don’t Think They’re Cursed!)

**[unknown]:** Do You Expect It To Fit In Mike’s Shitty Little Vauxhall Astra?

**mike:** hey

**mike:** shes a good car

**Oliver Banks:** To be fair, we wouldn’t have been able to get everything here

**Jonathan Sims:** you couldn’t have used Breekon and Hope’s van?

**[unknown]:** And Carry It All Down Three Flights Of Stairs? No, Thank You!

**Jonathan Sims:** ...fine

**Jonathan Sims:** but you can leave it all here and come in through the front door next time

**[unknown]:** Yes, Mum

**Timothy Stoker:** omggggg

**Timothy Stoker:** breaking news: bossman gets called mum by immortal plastic fear avatar, more at 7

**Jonathan Sims:** Tim, please

**Jonathan Sims:** anyway, Nikola, if you leave all the equipment here, it will annoy El*as even more

**[unknown]:** Oh, Good Point!

**Agnes Montague:** why are we on our phones when we’re all right here?

**Sasha James:** finally! someone in these archives with sense!

**Jonathan Sims:** yes, right.

**Jonathan Sims:** let’s get to it, then.

\---

10:16 P.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Georgie Barker:** oooh i see you’re online

**Georgie Barker:** how did rehearsal go????

**Jonathan Sims:** it was... chaotic

**Jonathan Sims:** very chaotic.

**Jonathan Sims:** but strangely enjoyable!

**Georgie Barker:** so???? c’mon, spill

**Jonathan Sims:** well, not much happened in terms of actual rehearsal

**Jonathan Sims:** it was more of an improv session, which was fun, if not strictly productive

**Jonathan Sims:** we did a few things around scarborough fair, and a few sea shanties

**Jonathan Sims:** we’ve got so many singers, it’s great

**Georgie Barker:** oh no i know that tone of message

**Georgie Barker:** you’re tempted

**Georgie Barker:** do not start an actual full-on choir

**Georgie Barker:** you’re not reliving your choirboy days through them

**Jonathan Sims:** ...I’m not saying that

**Jonathan Sims:** I never said that

**Jonathan Sims:** why would you even think I would say that!

**Georgie Barker:** pfft

**Georgie Barker:** you were so definitely thinking it

**Jonathan Sims:** well.

**Jonathan Sims:** maybe.

**Georgie Barker:** yeah, i know you, mr sims :P

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, hush, you

**Georgie Barker:** uh i think not

**Georgie Barker:** you love me ;)

**Jonathan Sims:** unfortunately.

**Jonathan Sims:** we did do a choir warmup, though

**Georgie Barker:** what sort of choir warmup?

**Jonathan Sims:** a round

**Jonathan Sims:** based on Frere Jacques 

**Georgie Barker:** how, pray tell, did you base a round on frere jacques?

**Jonathan Sims:** by rewriting the lyrics to say “fuck Elias”

**Georgie Barker:** oh legend :D

**Georgie Barker:** what’s the rest?

**Jonathan Sims:** you were rude about choir so I Will Not

**Georgie Barker:** booooo

**Georgie Barker:** oh well

**Georgie Barker:** i’ll just get it from melanie instead :)

**Jonathan Sims:** ...

**Georgie Barker:** :)

**Georgie Barker:** so how were the avatars?

**Jonathan Sims:** Nikola’s voice is so much like Jess’s, it’s scary

**Jonathan Sims:** she sings, and I look over, expecting to see Jess, and it’s a fucking clown mannequin instead

**Georgie Barker:** oof 

**Jonathan Sims:** indeed

**Jonathan Sims:** she was surprisingly not evil, though, which was nice

**Jonathan Sims:** didn’t even try to hijack the calliope organ in artefact storage

**Georgie Barker:** gonna take it that that’s a good thing

**Jonathan Sims:** trust me, it is

**Jonathan Sims:** actually, speaking of people being similar to the Mechs

**Jonathan Sims:** Basira reminds me a lot of Frank

**Jonathan Sims:** their voices are very similar

**Jonathan Sims:** and she plays bass, too.

**Georgie Barker:** omg no way

**Jonathan Sims:** yes way

**Georgie Barker:** lol you just attract people like that

**Georgie Barker:** love it

**Jonathan Sims:** the others are nothing alike, though

**Jonathan Sims:** but to answer your question, the other avatars were good, too

**Jonathan Sims:** Mike Crew (Vast avatar) and Tim seemed to get on quite well

**Georgie Barker:** mike as distinct from michael?

**Jonathan Sims:** exactly

**Jonathan Sims:** Oliver Banks (End) and Agnes Montague (Desolation) were nice as well

**Jonathan Sims:** Agnes has a good voice, actually

**Jonathan Sims:** quite smoky

**Georgie Barker:** nice one

**Jonathan Sims:** that wasn’t

**Jonathan Sims:** ah.

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, and we have a ghost in the band, now, so that’s something

**Georgie Barker:** i’m sorry you have a What

**Georgie Barker:** and can i interview them for the podcast??

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m going to veto the podcast, just because I don’t think he’d want people to know he’s still around

**Jonathan Sims:** his name is Gerard

**Georgie Barker:** for real?

**Georgie Barker:** he’s in your band and his name is gerard

**Georgie Barker:** wait 

**Georgie Barker:** gerard way isn’t dead, is he?

**Jonathan Sims:** he is not

**Jonathan Sims:** this is Gerard Keay

**Jonathan Sims:** Gerry

**Georgie Barker:** ohh was he the guy who left that tape you nicked?

**Jonathan Sims:** the very one.

**Georgie Barker:** so he’s a ghost?

**Georgie Barker:** i never thought i’d hear you just casually refer to a ghost

**Georgie Barker:** so how does it work?

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s. complicated

**Georgie Barker:** then give me the key words

**Jonathan Sims:** um

**Jonathan Sims:** ritual, skin, creepy book, Gertrude

**Georgie Barker:** okay! right! i don’t want to go any further with that!

**Jonathan Sims:** good call.

**Jonathan Sims:** but he’s able to interact with the keyboard, and he’s quite a good player

**Georgie Barker:** oh nice!

**Jonathan Sims:** so. all in all, I had a good time

**Jonathan Sims:** ...it was nice to make music again.

**Georgie Barker:** <3

**Georgie Barker:** aw jon i’m glad :)

**Jonathan Sims:** and it will piss off Elias no end.

**Georgie Barker:** the most important part >:)

\---

Friday, 9:18 A.M.

_ “martin k(ing of the archives) blackwood” _

**c4 tim:** whoa im here and the bossman isnt????

**c4 tim:** lads where the fuck is he

**c4 tim:** like, legit

**c4 tim:** hes always in at 7.30 or some other fucked up early time

**c4 tim:** maybe he even sleeps here? idk man

**c4 tim:** but im late and hes not in

**c4 tim:** has he died or smth???

**not-sasha:** who’s gonna tell him

**nova o blodyn:** not me

**K:** Bags not

**K:** This is too good

**c4 tim:** tell me what?

**c4 tim:** anyway thats not important bc i think this is a miracle

**Seph Hades:** No it’s not

**c4 tim:** uh i think it is

**Seph Hades:** It’s really not

**hawkeye mcqueen:** check the chat, dumbass

**c4 tim:** jesus h fucking christ fuck fuckign hell

**c4 tim:** w h Y do i keep doing this

**first mate d’ville:** because, as Melanie said

**first mate d’ville:** you’re a dumbass

**c4 tim:** boss :0 

**c4 tim:** im gonna report u to hr

**c4 tim:** this is workplace harassment 

**c4 tim:** whyyy didnt u say smth earlier????

**first mate d’ville:** because I deserve a bit of fun before I actually go into the vampire’s lair

**c4 tim:** ohhhh right ur meeting with bitchard

**first mate d’ville:** that’s right. 

**first mate d’ville:** you’d all better thank me for this

**first mate d’ville:** I’m about to knock, wish me luck

**not-sasha:** omg jon good luck!

**hawkeye mcqueen:** don’t die

**hawkeye mcqueen:** if el*as murks u, who are daisy and i gonna make fun of

**first mate d’ville:** thank you for being such considerate colleagues

**nova o blodyn:** any time

**first mate d’ville:** and honestly, my pride won’t allow me to die at his hand

**first mate d’ville:** I would just simply refuse.

**nova o blodyn:** lol

**first mate d’ville:** but still, this is going to be uncomfortable.

**first mate d’ville:** I’ll set my phone up to record and hide it in my jacket pocket, so you know what’s happened.

**K:** Aha sneaky!!! Love that :DD

**K:** And good luck!!! Ill have tea waiting when you get out :)))

\---

9:32 A.M.

**first mate d’ville:** well, I made it out alive

**K:** Ah fantastic!!! Kettles on :)))

**first mate d’ville:** thank you, Martin

**K:** How did it go???

**c4 tim:** vid vid vid

**not-sasha:** and more to the point, can we keep filming the bastard????

**first mate d’ville:** here you go

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: The screen is dark, and the audio is muffled. Even so, the following conversation can still be heard. The voices are clearly Jon and Elias’s.

> Elias: Jon.
> 
> Jon: Elias. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
> 
> Elias: What’s this about, Jon? I’m very busy at the moment, this had better be important.
> 
> Jon: I, um. I have a slight confession to make.
> 
> [There’s a slight pause, and Elias’s frown is almost audible.]
> 
> Elias: Yes?
> 
> Jon: It’s about, um. It’s about... the camera. In your office. And... that video. From the other week.
> 
> Elias: ...go on.
> 
> Jon: I might have... not told the full truth, when you asked me about it.
> 
> Elias: In what way?
> 
> Jon: Well, I don’t know how the video got spread around the institute, it shouldn’t have even got out... but I took the footage. 
> 
> Elias: That was you?
> 
> Jon: ...um. Yes. 
> 
> Elias: Why?
> 
> Jon: Well, I... I don’t know. I just...
> 
> [There’s a new tone in Elias’s voice when he responds. He’s interested, now, in a sharp, eager kind of way.]
> 
> Elias: You just what?
> 
> Jon: I just... need to know. What’s going on, what’s happening--there are so many mysteries in this place, and... well, a lot of them seem to lead back to you. So... I planted a camera. In your office.
> 
> [Elias sighs, but something about the expression of disappointment doesn’t ring true.]
> 
> Elias: Jon, I could report this to HR. There are serious consequences for such a dramatic invasion of privacy.
> 
> Jon: ...yes, I’m aware. But...
> 
> Elias: But you need to know.
> 
> Jon: Yes. 
> 
> Elias: Well. As this is a first offence, I won’t report it. In fact, this sort of curiosity, although severely misplaced, is something you should be cultivating, as the Archivist.
> 
> Jon: ...you think so?
> 
> Elias: Oh, yes. And cameras, too... It’s certainly a step in the right direction. You’re right, there is something to the mysteries here, and you really should be seeking out information for yourself.
> 
> Jon: That suggests you know the answers.
> 
> Elias: I do, but I can’t tell you. 
> 
> [Jon scoffs disgustedly.]
> 
> Jon: Typical.
> 
> Elias: You have to find all of this out for yourself, Jon. It’s not something that can be fed to you, that’s not the point--you need to make the connections and have these experiences yourself. Your thirst for knowledge, and the need to record what you find, will take you far.
> 
> Jon: ...right. Well, thank you, I suppose.
> 
> Elias: Of course.
> 
> [There are sounds of shuffling, the click of Elias’s office door opening and shutting, then a rustle of fabric and feedback as Jon retrieves his phone. The video changes from blackness to a view of the institute’s carpet. Jon’s next words are hissed triumphantly.]
> 
> Jon: Got you! Fucking got you, bastard!

Video ends.]

**not-sasha:** omg

**hawkeye mcqueen:** “fucking got u bastard” -jon at his most relatable

**not-sasha:** wait so let me get this straight

**not-sasha:** he wants you to keep doing this?

**not-sasha:** that’s what i took away from that

**not-sasha:** it’s implied he doesn’t want you to keep filming him, but he didn’t actually say that 

**Seph Hades:** And he wants you to keep filming in general

**not-sasha:** yep so..........

**first mate d’ville:** yes

**first mate d’ville:** putting aside the very ominous implications that he’s somehow got a stake in what I’m becoming

**first mate d’ville:** (I hate the idea of that so it does not exist)

**first mate d’ville:** I’m going to take that as official clearance from El*as that I can keep filming him

**first mate d’ville:** unfortunately we can’t distribute the videos, or he’ll get suspicious

**first mate d’ville:** but if he makes a cock of himself on camera, I’m definitely going to show you all

**hawkeye mcqueen:** good

**K:** Omg jon thats some good stuff :DDD

**c4 tim:** oh god oh no bitchard made the hr comment too

**c4 tim:** on some level i think the same as him

**c4 tim:** quick someone take me out back and shoot me

**nova o blodyn:** with pleasure

**nova o blodyn:** if we’re going to be shooting one of the two people who made that kind of remark, though, i’d rather it be el*as

**c4 tim:** oh agreed

**hawkeye mcqueen:** yup

**first mate d’ville:** well, with that sorted

**first mate d’ville:** would it be unreasonable of me to expect some work from you all today?

**c4 tim:** ughhhh why is it that whenever ur cool u go and say stuff like that and ruin it >:(

**first mate d’ville:** you’re welcome!

\---

2:49 P.M.

_ “operation mechs mk 2” _

**cursed. demon boi:** right lads i have decided

**cursed. demon boi:** weve had so much avatar stuff going on lately

**cursed. demon boi:** we need a break

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “aaa (avatar-free assistants alcohol)” _

**cursed. demon boi:** dais ur not an avatar avatar ur just a bit hunty and also an assistant so ur in still

**daisy:** hooray.

**daisy:** what’s this all about?

**cursed. demon boi:** were all going for drinks tonight

**cursed. demon boi:** w/o jon

**cursed. demon boi:** love him but i just want to talk shit abt all this, u kno

**scarred for life by timothy stoker:** nah i get that

**Just a hozier fan:** Tbh its good to do some things as just us??? Plus i think jon likes it when we go out and do stuff, he knows hes our friend but he also gets aware that hes our boss and also spooky

**substitute boss:** aw jon

**Just a hozier fan:** And i think he knows were in the mood to chat shit lol

**Just a hozier fan:** Hed prefer to nope out of that one :’)))

**substitute boss:** omg valid

**cursed. demon boi:** good so since were all in agreement

**cursed. demon boi:** here we go!

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_martini kart_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_boozeira_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Sasha James_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_saucy sash_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Melanie King_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_moscow muleanie_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_stonked_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_dui_ **

**stonked:** the d stands for daisy ;)

**dui:** hmm

**stonked:** oh and basira i kno u dont drink but it was too good to pass up

**boozeira:** Sure, I’ll take it

**stonked:** yay!

**stonked:** so, drinks? y/y

**saucy sash:** y

**moscow muleanie:** uhhhh of course y

**martini kart:** Y!!

**dui:** y

**boozeira:** Fuck it, y

**stonked:** fab

**stonked:** love u all

**stonked:** pub at 5 :D

\---

4:59 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** have fun at drinks!

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh thanks jon!! :)))

**Jonathan Sims:** are you still good to come to mine tomorrow evening?

**Martin Blackwood:** Of course!!! Love takeaway nights :))))

**Jonathan Sims:** me too

**Jonathan Sims:** see you then x

**Martin Blackwood:** See you then!! Xx

\---

9:43 P.M.

_ “aaa (avatar-free assistants alcohol)” _

**saucy sash:** mementos!

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent three photos _

[Image ID: The first picture is a group selfie. All of the assistants are crammed into a booth, holding drinks and smiling. The second picture is of Tim, grinning as he precariously carries a round of five shot glasses and a large glass of orange juice. The third picture is taken across the table, showing the glass of orange juice, with five straws in it, in the foreground, and Tim holding the empty shot glasses up with a bright smile.]

**moscow muleanie:** rip timbo

**stonked:** m gonna sleep int tomorrow so its all g

**martini kart:** <333

**martini kart:** Love you all and havea good weekend <33

\---

Saturday, 8:12 P.M.

**martini kart:** Omg so im round at jons

**stonked:** :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

**stonked:** have fun 

**stonked:** but uncle timmy says stay safe and use protection, kids ;)

**martini kart:** Omggg tim no!!

**martini kart:** Were just having takeaway and watching tv

**stonked:** ah yes

**stonked:** netflix and chill :eyes emoji:

**saucy sash:** smh tim

**martini kart:** Yep im ignoring you now :PP

**martini kart:** Anyway hes watching only connect and i am fucking dying guys

**saucy sash:** omg i would die for victoria coren mitchell

**moscow muleanie:** right?

**moscow muleanie:** i cant do only connect but god fuck vcm is great

**boozeira:** I’m watching too

**boozeira:** Tell him I’ll take the lion wall and he can take the water wall

**boozeira:** And we can battle it out

**boozeira:** Dais can’t stand it so I’m glad to have someone I can have a proper competition with

**dui:** there is no fucking point

**dui:** there is honest to god no point to that entire show

**stonked:** its interesting i guess? but mostly im with dais

**stonked:** why does it not surprise me that u nerds watch it jfc

**martini kart:** Yeah jon is a big fan of trivia shows

**stonked:** once again surprising absolutely 0

**martini kart:** But since the whole spooky google thing he cant watch them because he just Knows all the answers

**saucy sash:** oh noooo poor jon

**saucy sash:** qi is one of my fave shows, i can’t imagine what having that ruined would be like

**martini kart:** Yep :////

**martini kart:** And then he shouts at the tv if the host has misinterpreted something or is passing off a fallacy as fact or the information has changed/been updated since the episode went to air

**martini kart:** But he says that only connect is the only show he can watch now bc even if he Knows stuff, the eye doesnt make connections for him

**boozeira:** Good

**boozeira:** Tell him I’m going to crush him at the wall

**boozeira:** Whoever gets the fewest points has to clean the breakroom fridge on Monday

**saucy sash:** oh god there’s three month old sushi in there

**saucy sash:** and the weird sticky patch

**martini kart:** He says “tell basira shes on and i will take her down”

**saucy sash:** good luck to both of you

**dui:** and you can’t put this on the other chat with jon in because...?

**martini kart:** Hes fixated on the tv, he cant look down :PP

**dui:** christ

**dui:** basira has just put her phone down and said “good point”

**dui:** god fucking dammit

\---

8:27 P.M.

**martini kart:** Jon says 

**martini kart:** And he has told me to tell you all that this is a direct quote

**martini kart:** “Two groups and three connections, eat my arse, copper!”

**stonked:** :0 bossman!

**martini kart:** Hes so caught up in this its actually adorable :)))

**saucy sash:** omg competitive jon

**boozeira:** Ha

**boozeira:** Four groups and three connections, suck it!

\---

_ “martin k(ing of the archives) blackwood _

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ changed her nickname to “Only Connect champion” _

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to “Only Connect loser” _

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ renamed the group “Jon has to clean out the breakroom fridge aHA” _

**Only Connect loser:** I hate you all.

**Only Connect champion:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you all for your patience! In exciting news, Were|House, the vn I was writing for, has gone live! Check it out [here](https://sad-ghost-studios.itch.io/werehouse), it's a chill and really fun lil game :)  
> Niche interest alert! If you don't know what Only Connect is, it's my latest British panel/quiz show addiction, about making connections between seemingly random clues. There are episodes on youtube, which I'd highly recommend--it can be extremely frustrating, but the satisfaction when you can get an answer? Nothing beats it. The round featured in this chapter is the connecting wall round--the teams have to make four connected groups of four from sixteen "random" words and phrases. Even if they don't get all the groups before time runs out, they can still get points for working out the connections when the rest of the wall is resolved... okay, it's late, and I'm probably not explaining it well, so it's probably easiest just to go take a look on youtube :P (I recommend s13e19 as a good starting point, there's a rather relevant question in round 1.......)  
> It's a very Web show, now I come to think about it...  
> Also, much like Sasha, I would happily die for Victoria Coren Mitchell, the host :D


	24. robbers of jonathan sims heist planning group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Georgie Barker:** i want to meet the fucking ghost melanie  
>  **Georgie Barker:** i am going to meet the fucking ghost  
>  **Melanie King:** yess g  
>  **Melanie King:** u *are* gonna meet the fucking ghost  
>  **Melanie King:** i’m so in  
>  **Melanie King:** u know what this means tho  
>  **Georgie Barker:** we’re gonna have to organise a heist?  
>  **Melanie King:** we’re gonna have to organise a heist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this chapter is so stupid and I do not apologise for it :D

Monday, 9:54 A.M.

_“Jon has to clean out the breakroom fridge aHA”_

**Only Connect loser:** fuck you all, and fuck Basira in particular

 **Only Connect champion:** Having fun?

 **Only Connect loser:** you’re on cursed noticeboard duty for a month.

 **Only Connect champion:** That is Not how bets work

 **Only Connect loser:** don’t test me, or it’ll be two months.

 **Only Connect champion:** Hey, it’s not my fault I kicked your sorry arse at the wall

 **Only Connect loser:** hmph.

 **Only Connect loser:** just try me on the missing vowels

 **Only Connect loser:** I will obliterate you at the missing vowels round

 **Only Connect champion:** What a shame that’s not what we did this time :)

 **Only Connect loser:** oh and while I’m at it, fuck Tim also

 **not-sasha:** hey everyone who’s not got a clear view of the breakroom, jsyk jon is literally vibrating with anger as he cleans the fridge

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** yess jon’s going off

 **c4 tim:** hey what did i do??? this time????

 **Only Connect loser:** I was cleaning the hellish sticky patch in the fridge

 **Only Connect loser:** and the Eye saw fit to inform me that the sticky patch is there because a certain Timothy Stoker spilled orange juice on the outside of the carton and put it straight back in the fridge.

 **Only Connect loser:** repeatedly.

 **c4 tim:** oh oops

 **Only Connect loser:** also fuck the Eye because I did not need to know the origin of the sticky patch

 **Only Connect loser:** it’s lucky I’m cleaning it, it was about three days away from spontaneously manifesting aspects of the Corruption

 **not-sasha:** ew

 **Only Connect loser:** exactly.

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** better u than me! or any of us! :-)

 **Only Connect loser:** good to know I’m appreciated.

\---

10:22 A.M.

 **Only Connect loser:** fridge is clean. at great personal cost.

 **Only Connect loser:** please never let this happen again.

 **c4 tim:** ;)

\---

5:14 P.M.

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _to_ **_Melanie King_ **

**Georgie Barker:** melanie my love

 **Georgie Barker:** jewel of my heart, moon of my soul

 **Melanie King:** ...why do i get the feeling u want something

 **Melanie King:** :eyes emoji:

 **Georgie Barker:** gasp!

 **Georgie Barker:** melanie!

 **Georgie Barker:** how could you say such a thing! to me, your loving girlfriend!

 **Melanie King:** ...because i know u?

 **Melanie King:** what do u want?

 **Georgie Barker:** what do i want? don’t i have the right to be incredibly affectionate towards the woman i adore with all my heart??

 **Melanie King:** yeah, u only get mushy to try and soften me up

 **Melanie King:** (it works, keep doing it ;-) )

 **Georgie Barker:** good

 **Georgie Barker:** (seriously though you’re all that and more <3 )

 **Melanie King:** ( <3 )

 **Georgie Barker:** but yeah so jon says there’s a ghost in your band?

 **Georgie Barker:** i want to meet him and jon says no

 **Melanie King:** lol

 **Georgie Barker:** look i trust jon 100% and don’t want to go behind his back, but in this case

 **Georgie Barker:** i’ve checked with him and it’s not dangerous or anything, the ghost just doesn’t want to be on the podcast

 **Georgie Barker:** but now whenever i ask jon about it he thinks it’s for wtg and he won’t let me have the weird spooky book

 **Georgie Barker:** i want to meet the fucking ghost melanie

 **Georgie Barker:** i am going to meet the fucking ghost

 **Melanie King:** yess g

 **Melanie King:** u *are* gonna meet the fucking ghost

 **Melanie King:** i’m so in

 **Melanie King:** u know what this means tho

 **Georgie Barker:** we’re gonna have to organise a heist?

 **Melanie King:** we’re gonna have to organise a heist.

\---

_“Friends of jonathan sims support group”_

**Georgie Barker:** reviving this chat bc we need to discuss important things without jon

 **Timothy Stoker:** :0 go on

 **Georgie Barker:** god this chat has been dead for ages 

**Melanie King:** oof yeah hang on a mo

 **_Melanie King_ ** _added_ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _to the group_

 **_Melanie King_ ** _added_ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to the group_

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_daisy_ **

**Sasha James:** wow

 **Sasha James:** it really has been a while since we used this one 

**Georgie Barker:** omg yes hi basira and daisy

 **Georgie Barker:** welcome to the chat without jon lol

 **daisy:** oh this should be good

 **Georgie Barker:** i have gathered you all here today to talk about something incredibly close to my heart

 **Georgie Barker:** that’s right:

 **Georgie Barker:** ghosts

 **Georgie Barker:** and specifically, the ghost that jonathan “stick-in-the-mud” sims will not let me meet

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh, you mean gerry!!

 **Georgie Barker:** precisely, martino

 **Martin Blackwood:** Why isnt jon letting you see him?

 **Georgie Barker:** bc i made One joke about interviewing him on wtg

 **Georgie Barker:** okay so maybe it wasn’t a joke

 **Georgie Barker:** but now he thinks i’m gonna get him on the podcast whenever i ask if i can see him

 **Georgie Barker:** possibly bc i conned jon himself into being on the podcast when he first started at the magnus institute but i have Grown, i have Matured

 **Georgie Barker:** but i am absolutely desperate to meet a real live ghost so

 **Georgie Barker:** for the purposes of enabling this

 **Georgie Barker:** we are no longer the friends of jonathan sims support group

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh no

 **Sasha James:** ^^^

 **Georgie Barker:** stfu <3

 **Georgie Barker:** anyway we are now the

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _renamed the group “robbers of jonathan sims heist planning group”_

 **Timothy Stoker:** ohohohohohoho fuck Yes

 **Sasha James:** omg georgie

 **Sasha James:** melanie! you’re allowing this?

 **Melanie King:** first of all, i don't allow g to do or not do anything, she makes her own decisions

 **Melanie King:** second, uhhh yes duh

 **Melanie King:** of course i am?

 **Melanie King:** i’m incredibly pro heists

 **Timothy Stoker:** my kinda gal

 **Georgie Barker:** um excuse me

 **Georgie Barker:** she’s *my* kinda gal <3

 **Melanie King:** shh g we’ve got a no romance on main rule

 **Melanie King:** don’t make me pay up

 **Martin Blackwood:** Too late!!! Too goddamn late!!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** May i quote the time you said “i have a gf whos in this friends group and im not romantic on main”

 **Melanie King:** god fucking damn

 **Martin Blackwood:** AHA yes but when youre both in the group youre as sappy as me and jon

 **Martin Blackwood:** Quid in the jar please and thank you and im gonna go be smug about this :)))

 **Melanie King:** arse

 **Melanie King:** finee

 **Georgie Barker:** oops lol

 **Georgie Barker:** anyway!!!! we need to steal this book from jon

 **Georgie Barker:** well, you guys do

 **Georgie Barker:** if i came into the institute he’d get hell suspicious

 **Georgie Barker:** so this is kinda up to you

 **Melanie King:** oh good one :-P

 **Melanie King:** so.

 **Timothy Stoker:** glitter

 **Timothy Stoker:** glitter glitter glitter

 **Timothy Stoker:** like the bossman did to the bitch boss

 **Basira Hussain:** Good point

 **Basira Hussain:** We have to assume that Jon will Know things in the same way El*as does

 **Basira Hussain:** So we have to be sneaky.

 **daisy:** shoulda fuckin done it when he was cleaning the fridge

 **Melanie King:** shitdamn that would have been perfect

 **Melanie King:** arse

 **Martin Blackwood:** I can ask rosie to get jon up to reception?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ill message her during work hours tomorrow :))

 **Sasha James:** oh good plan

 **Sasha James:** dammit why am i suddenly on board with this

 **Timothy Stoker:** bc ur just as much of a shit as the rest of us babe

 **Timothy Stoker:** and u like planning heists

 **Sasha James:** fuck i think you’re right

 **Timothy Stoker:** always am :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Hed probably keep the book locked in his desk drawer tho, and im not sure if i can steal his keys :///

 **Melanie King:** oh i can pick locks :-)

 **Sasha James:** good

 **Timothy Stoker:** i can also run distraction if he comes back early >:)

 **Timothy Stoker:** give me a day to find my super soaker and some small glitter and ill be set

 **daisy:** you got two?

 **Timothy Stoker:** why i believe i do ms tonner

 **daisy:** then i’m on distraction duty with you

 **Timothy Stoker:** fab

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ill keep stuck to my phone in case rosie gives the alert that jons coming back

 **Sasha James:** cool cool

 **Sasha James:** so you guys will do that, and basira and melanie and i will break in

 **Basira Hussain:** Yep

 **Melanie King:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **Georgie Barker:** god i’m so glad i’m friends with you :D

\---

Tuesday, 9:21 A.M.

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Rosie, can you do me a massive favour??

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh no

 **Rosie Kendall:** I’m listening

 **Martin Blackwood:** Can you get jon up to reception tomorrow? Around 10ish?

 **Martin Blackwood:** And let me know when hes coming back down to the archives?

 **Rosie Kendall:** ...Sure

 **Rosie Kendall:** You know what? I’m not going to ask

 **Martin Blackwood:** Thank youuu im forever in your debt

 **Rosie Kendall:** :)

 **Rosie Kendall:** I’ll cash it in someday soon :)

\---

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **Rosie Kendall:** Archives crew are at it again

 **Sonja Zhao:** holy shit

 **Rosie Kendall:** Right?

 **Sonja Zhao:** have fun........

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh, I’m sure I will :/

 **Sonja Zhao:** a favour from that lot though...

 **Rosie Kendall:** Uh-huh >:)

\---

Wednesday, 9:36 A.M.

 **Georgie Barker:** so.

 **Georgie Barker:** today’s the day?

 **Melanie King:** today’s the day.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Can confirm jon doesnt suspect anything about our plans :)))

 **Georgie Barker:** ehehehehehe

 **Georgie Barker:** god i can’t wait to meet gerry :D

 **Timothy Stoker:** pub? tonight?

 **Georgie Barker:** hella

 **Timothy Stoker:** :D

\---

10:02 A.M.

_“robbers of jonathan sims heist planning group”_

**Basira Hussain:** Right, I’ve got a clear view of the stairs 

**Basira Hussain:** And..............

 **Basira Hussain:** He’s gone

 **Basira Hussain:** Go go go

 **Georgie Barker:** woooo!!!!

\---

10:19 A.M.

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** I could only distract him with forms for so long, he’s on his way back

 **Martin Blackwood:** Dammit were not ready!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** But thanks rosie!!!

 **Rosie Kendall:** Just remember, you owe me :)

\---

_“robbers of jonathan sims heist planning group”_

**Martin Blackwood:** Shit guys hes on his way back!! 

**Martin Blackwood:** Where are we at????

 **Sasha James:** melanie’s just got his drawer open

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aaack hurry!!!!

 **Sasha James:** melanie says “tell him to piss off, i’m going as fast as i can”

 **Timothy Stoker:** dw me and dais are on it

 **Sasha James:** right we’ve got it but we’ve still gotta get out

 **Martin Blackwood:** Guyssss i hear footsteps!!!!

 **Timothy Stoker:** *flips down shades*

 **Sasha James:** oh no

 **Timothy Stoker:** B)

\---

10:37 A.M.

 **Timothy Stoker:** who knew the bossman kept a spare cardie in his lil sleeping nook

 **Timothy Stoker:** i mean it didnt surprise me but still

 **Georgie Barker:** you glitter sprayed him?

 **Timothy Stoker:** oh did we ever

 **daisy:** square in the chest

 **Georgie Barker:** omg 

**Timothy Stoker:** he was pissed but it was so worth it

 **Melanie King:** plus it gave us time to escape

 **Melanie King:** so it's a mission success, babey!

 **Georgie Barker:** omg omg omg holy shit

 **Georgie Barker:** i cannot wait for tonight aaaaaa

\---

8:46 P.M.

 **Georgie Barker:** fuck yes

 **_Georgie Barker_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: A selfie of Georgie beaming next to a blurry, slightly transparent figure. He is slightly distorted, but it’s clear enough to make out that he has long black hair with ginger roots showing, a black t-shirt with a band logo on it, and tattoos on his joints.]

 **Georgie Barker:** gerry is fuckin great, thank you for stealing his book!

 **Melanie King:** oh if we’re swapping pics

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: The archival assistants and Gerry are squished into a pub booth, grinning at the camera. Everyone is holding drinks--Basira has a non-alcoholic cider--except Gerry.]

 **Sasha James:** aw it's a shame gerry can't have a drink with us :( 

**Martin Blackwood:** ...Wait

 **Martin Blackwood:** I have a very stupid idea but it just might work

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Hey jon do you Know how to do the ritual for the skin book?

 **Jonathan Sims:** what? Martin, why are you asking about that?

 **Martin Blackwood:** No reason

 **Martin Blackwood:** Just curious if its something you can Know

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Jonathan Sims:** sus

 **Martin Blackwood:** Omg jon :’D

 **Jonathan Sims:** very sus because Tim and Daisy sprayed me with water with glitter in it earlier, and I noticed the book was missing when I locked up for the evening

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I tried to Know what happened

 **Jonathan Sims:** I Know you all have it, and I trust you all, but I’m still concerned.

 **Martin Blackwood:** I promise promise promise its nothing for you to be worried about, even tho im glad youre looking out for us

 **Martin Blackwood:** Id be concerned in your situation

 **Martin Blackwood:** But we wanted to do something nice for Gerry

 **Martin Blackwood:** Not involving murder!!!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Jonathan Sims:** this was Georgie’s idea.

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well the heist was, but this bit is sort of mine? I promise were not being sketchy tho!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ill tell you all about it later? I just dont want to tell you and then you immediately tell me it wont work.......

 **Jonathan Sims:** I could just Know, you know.

 **Martin Blackwood:** I know

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I trust you

 **Martin Blackwood:** Thanks xx

 **Martin Blackwood:** And i know you want to give us privacy

 **Jonathan Sims:** sometimes I regret that decision.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Love you too <33

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...well, I trust you all to be careful

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ve been doing this

 **Jonathan Sims:** whatever this is

 **Jonathan Sims:** for long enough for you to know to take reasonable precautions

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** I promise well be careful

 **Martin Blackwood:** And i promise we wont do any murder

 **Jonathan Sims:** good.

 **Jonathan Sims:** although I hate that it’s almost normal for us to make promises like this

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...anyway. here.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I typed it out, hopefully you won’t need diagrams or anything

 **Jonathan Sims:** bad skin book ritual.docx

 **Jonathan Sims:** please delete this off your phone when you’re done.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I trust you, but this is dangerous.

 **Martin Blackwood:** I will, i promise

 **Martin Blackwood:** Thank you, jon <33

 **Martin Blackwood:** I know gerry will appreciate this :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** just message me back when it’s done so I know you’re all safe

 **Martin Blackwood:** Will do xx

 **Jonathan Sims:** x

\---

9:56 P.M.

_“robbers of jonathan sims heist planning group”_

**_Sasha James_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: Gerry and the archival assistants, minus Sasha, are standing round the kitchen table in Georgie’s flat. A book and a bottle of beer are standing on the table.

> Georgie: Are we rolling?
> 
> Sasha (from behind the camera): Yep! Right, so this is to document our binding something non-human into the skin book, with help from Jon and Gerry. This is a very creepy and probably dangerous thing to do, so kids, don’t try this at home! Tim, can you tell the camera what we’ve got prepared?
> 
> [Tim turns to the camera with a blinding smile.]
> 
> Tim: I sure can, Sasha! Right, so here we’ve got one paper sleeve, fancy glue and a needle for binding, a permanent marker, a bottle of beer, a dustpan and brush for the mess--
> 
> Melanie (interrupting): And the most important part, a weird-ass creepy book made from the skin of dead people!
> 
> Sasha: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this, it’s so artefact storage...
> 
> Tim: Too late to back out now! Besides, it’s for Gerry.
> 
> [The transparent figure shrugs and smiles crookedly.]
> 
> Gerry: Yeah, thanks.
> 
> Sasha: Martin, you’ve got Jon’s instructions?
> 
> [Martin lifts his phone.]
> 
> Martin: Yep!
> 
> Sasha: Looks like we’re good to go, then? I guess. Daisy, do you want to do the honours?
> 
> Daisy: Sure. Stand clear!
> 
> [Everyone moves to one side of the room, and Daisy takes the bottle of beer and moves to the other. With little ceremony, she smashes it on the floor. Beer splatters everywhere, and fragments of glass scatter across the floor.]
> 
> Tim (jokingly): Taxi!
> 
> Georgie: Jesus fucking christ, this is going to be shit to clean up.
> 
> Basira: Hey, it was your idea to host at your flat. 
> 
> Georgie: Shhhh!
> 
> [Meanwhile, Daisy carefully combs through the glass and picks out the biggest shard, a curved piece from the side of the bottle. She wipes it off with a piece of kitchen paper, then puts it on the table. Martin hands his phone to Basira, who looks at it carefully, then starts writing on the glass with the permanent marker, checking back to the phone frequently.]
> 
> Sasha: Basira is doing this bit because she's got the best handwriting. 
> 
> Basira: Doesn't help that this is fucking tiny, and there's so much to get on! 
> 
> [After a few moments, she finishes writing, and puts the glass shard into the paper sleeve.]
> 
> Sasha: Do we need to write it on the envelope, too, seeing as that’s the actual thing that's getting bound into the book? 
> 
> Basira: Bags fucking not.
> 
> Tim: Nah, just stick it in already!
> 
> Martin: Right, I’ve got this. Huzzah, years of working in the library.
> 
> [Martin picks up the envelope, and carefully spreads glue along its long edge. Working quickly, he sticks the envelope into the back of the book, so it binds like a normal page.]
> 
> Martin: Have we got something heavy?
> 
> Georgie: Yep, here you are!
> 
> [Georgie passes a stack of big coffee table books on photography and music to him. Martin carefully places them on top of the skin book.]
> 
> Martin: I hope this works, with the glass and everything... If it’s a spooky book, fingers crossed we don’t have to worry about the massive lump this is gonna make, or glass splinters…
> 
> Gerry: It should be fine. Hopefully, it’ll be fine. I mean, it works with skin, right, so the weird-ass End power that makes it work should accept that? I think?
> 
> Melanie: You’d know.
> 
> [Gerry scrunches his face up at Melanie, then shivers.]
> 
> Gerry: Whoa.
> 
> Sasha: Is everything okay?
> 
> Gerry: Yeah, I think so? It felt weird, though. Properly weird. I’ve never been... uh, activated? Yeah, lets go with that. I’ve never been activated when something’s happened to the book, and I never saw it happen when my bitch mother was using it, either. At a guess, I’d say the new page has taken?
> 
> [Excited smiles start to spread around the group. Even through the recording, a ripple of anticipation can be sensed in the atmosphere.]
> 
> Sasha: Try it, try it, try it!
> 
> Georgie: Who’s gonna read it? I don’t want to read it, but...
> 
> Melanie: Oh, fuck it. Yeah, I will.
> 
> [She holds a hand out and does grabby motions while she waits for Martin to pass it to her. She takes it, then flips straight to the final “page”.]
> 
> Melanie: Huh. Guess we didn’t need to write it on the envelope after all. 
> 
> [She tilts the book to the camera. The words are impossible to make out, but something clearly is written on the envelope.]
> 
> Melanie: Ready?
> 
> Gerry: I’ve waited fucking years for this, let’s go!
> 
> [Everyone nods in agreement. Georgie puts her arm around Melanie’s shoulders, and Melanie nudges her head against Georgie’s shoulder before standing straight.]
> 
> Melanie: Here we go.
> 
> [The video zooms in on Melanie as Tim whoops. It’s the last clear sound on the video for a minute or so. As Melanie reads, static crackles and warps the sound. The odd word or phrase is left audible, though--it sounds like she’s reading an account of how the beer bottle was smashed, from the bottle’s perspective. She stops, and there’s a moment of silence before the regular audio cuts back in.]
> 
> Sasha: ...did it work?
> 
> [Georgie points, and the video zooms out. It zooms back in on the dining table, where a blurry, slightly transparent bottle of beer stands, shimmering with the same distorted effect as Gerry.]
> 
> Sasha: Oh my god. Oh my actual fucking god, I wasn’t expecting it to work.
> 
> Basira: Well, we don’t know that for certain, yet.
> 
> Tim: Only one way to find out!
> 
> [He wheels around to look at Gerry, as does everyone else.]
> 
> Gerry: Guess that’s my cue. Jesus fuck, I hope this worked.
> 
> [He steps towards the table and picks up the ghostly bottle of beer, looking excited when he realises he can interact with it. He takes a cautious sip, then a proper chug, and lifts the bottle high with a grin on his face.]
> 
> Gerry: Success! Ohh, that tastes good.
> 
> [The room erupts in cheers, and the video cuts off.]]

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Can report were all safe and untraumatised :D

 **Martin Blackwood:** It was a mission success!!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...and now it’s done, can you tell me what your mission was?

 **Martin Blackwood:** It’s probably easier to show you :))))

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _sent a video_

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...you made. ghost beer.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yep! :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** So now it looks like gerrys got eternal booze :D

 **Jonathan Sims:** well

 **Jonathan Sims:** this was a lot better than I was expecting, I won’t lie

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I’m very glad it worked, and you’re all safe.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but nevertheless

 **Jonathan Sims:** you are all so incredibly stupid

 **Jonathan Sims:** wonderfully, amazingly stupid.

 **Jonathan Sims:** my colleagues used an eldritch artefact to create ghost beer, on the advice of my boyfriend

 **Jonathan Sims:** my boyfriend is an idiot.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin, my boyfriend is a beautiful idiot, what do I do?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Invite him over to yours and kiss him??

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, that sounds like a good idea.

 **Jonathan Sims:** see you soon?

 **Martin Blackwood:** see you soon :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Xx

 **Jonathan Sims:** x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack lads I'm very tired so the end notes will be short, and mostly things I've forgotten from previous notes:  
> 1\. No, Basira and Ashes aren't the same person in this fic. However, they have very similar voices, and both play bass, as Jon noted last chapter. Sometimes the world just works like that :)  
> 2\. The fact that this fic is only spooky lite means that being in the skin book doesn't condemn the ghosts to existential pain, so Gerry will be sticking around for a while :D  
> 3\. I promise there is a chapter of the Elias fic coming! It's just coming slower than I'd like, and for me, that's really saying something :P  
> 4\. God I have so many thoughts about avatar Hozier, so hit me up on tumblr or in the comments section if you'd like me to ramble at you about that!  
> 5\. Only Connect and britcom fans (a few of you came out of the woodwork last chapter and I love you with all my heart!), also hit me up if you'd like me to ramble at you about the wonderful tv series my pal @timepatches and I want to pitch to the BBC, in which the Mitchells are married spies :D  
> As always, thank you so so much for reading! I'm constantly blown away by the reception to this fic, and I treasure every single kudos and comment :) Love you all <3


	25. jons fursona is a moth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Sonja Zhao:** anyway so archives Tim is here  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** Omg  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** Why?  
>  **Sonja Zhao:** he wants to check out an artefact  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** Which one??  
>  **Sonja Zhao:** a cursed ping pong ball? we don’t really know what it is, but it keeps bouncing when you drop it, apparently indefinitely  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** ...  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** Why?  
>  **Sonja Zhao:** didn’t say  
>  **Rosie Kendall:** This should be good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Sasha (!) goes feral :)  
> Also, shoutout to KitIsGr8 who said that Rosie and Sonja should kiss, a statement with which I heartily agree :)  
> Glitch text this chapter, transcript in the end notes :)

Thursday, 7:22 A.M.

_“robbers of jonathan sims heist planning group”_

**Martin Blackwood:** No this needs to be a support group again im changing it back

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _renamed the group “Friends of jonathan sims support group”_

 **Martin Blackwood:** I need support

 **Georgie Barker:** omg why?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Because of this fuckign man

 **Martin Blackwood:** My idiot sleep deprived boyf

 **Martin Blackwood:** Who says to me very tiredly at 2am:

 **Martin Blackwood:** “If i eat monster munch, is that technically cannibalism?”

 **Martin Blackwood:** Me, bc its 2am and im asleep, like he should be:

 **Martin Blackwood:** “Hhrmnngmh”

 **Martin Blackwood:** Then theres a flurry of shoulder pokes and im suddenly a Lot more awake than i want to be at 2 in the fucking am

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jon: “martin. Martin wake up this is important”

 **Martin Blackwood:** Me: "cant it wait til morning?"

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jon: “no martin this is serious. If i eat monster munch crisps, is it cannibalism?”

 **Martin Blackwood:** Me: “mmmmmnnnh go back to sleep”

 **Martin Blackwood:** I think he tried talking to me more but i put the pillow over my head and went back to sleep

 **Georgie Barker:** valid

 **Georgie Barker:** god that reminds me of uni

 **Georgie Barker:** never share a flat with this man unless you’re cool with very very late night/early morning philosophical questions

 **Melanie King:** lol

 **Melanie King:** aren’t u glad u’ve got me instead :-)

 **Georgie Barker:** yeah now i just have to put up with “objection!” and “hold it!” when you play ace attorney at midnight

 **Melanie King:** yeah but at least u don’t have to reply to that

 **Georgie Barker:** oh true

 **Melanie King:** so objectively i’m better :-)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Hey i might be a bit annoyed but i still dont think youre correct :))

 **Melanie King:** :-P

\---

7:41 A.M.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Nvm ive forgiven him :)))

 **Sasha James:** :eyes emoji:

 **Sasha James:** what did he do?

 **Martin Blackwood:** ........

 **daisy:** :eyes emoji:

 **Martin Blackwood:** Wow omg ill spill!!

 **Sasha James:** jesus christ daisy

 **Sasha James:** you did the exact same thing as me and it was about fifty times scarier?? how??

 **daisy:** it’s a gift :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...He made breakfast 

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay it was just a bowl of muesli and coffee but he made the muesli himself the other day???? And it was really good???? Its just nuts and fruit and oats and yoghurt and stuff so how?????

 **Martin Blackwood:** And he was singing sunlight when he was in the kitchen and i think my heart melted a little bit more

 **Martin Blackwood:** Particularly when he was like

 **Martin Blackwood:** “Flew like a moth to you” and just smiled at me

 **Georgie Barker:** so fucking cute, i’m gonna get toothache <3

 **Georgie Barker:** love you guys :D

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aaah georgie :))))

 **Sasha James:** ah yes the old rose tinted glasses

 **Sasha James:** that would explain it

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay yeah i have to get ready for work now so ill see you then and not one minute before :)))) bye :)))))

 **Sasha James:** you’re such a sap and it’s adorable! we love you for it martin!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aw thanks!! But I really do have to get ready ://

 **Sasha James:** see you at work :)

\---

 **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to_ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** ...Yeah, so we never tell people about when you do eggs Benedict with the smoked salmon?

 **Alice Tonner:** absolutely never.

\---

8:47 A.M.

 **Timothy Stoker:** yea okay so im on the tube and im just catching up

 **Timothy Stoker:** and it never got resolved

 **Timothy Stoker:** so is it cannibalism??

 **Timothy Stoker:** im gonna ask him

 **Martin Blackwood:** Omggg tim Do Not :’’’D

 **Martin Blackwood:** You wont hear the end of it all day

 **Timothy Stoker:** nvm i have a better idea

\---

_“aaa (avatar-free assistants alcohol)”_

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “jons fursona is a moth”_

 **martini kart:** Tim omggggg

 **stonks:** u said it urself marto ;)

 **martini kart:** He Knows????? About this chat?????

 **stonks:** yea ;)

 **martini kart:** Youre terrible smh

 **stonks:** yea ;)

\---

3:38 P.M.

_“Jon has to clean out the breakroom fridge aHA”_

**c4 tim:** bored

 **c4 tim:** boooooooooored

 **not-sasha:** dearest timothy, whatever is the matter?

 **c4 tim:** sash im bored

 **Only Connect champion:** I never would have guessed

 **c4 tim:** ha ha

 **c4 tim:** i want to cause problems on purpose

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** then do

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** we haven’t terrorised bitchard in a while

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** go full untitled goose game on his arse

 **not-sasha:** press y to honk

 **nova o blodyn:** press y to startle bitchard

 **c4 tim:** good point

 **c4 tim:** very good point

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_untitled goose tim_ **

**K:** :’))))

 **not-sasha:** omg

 **untitled goose tim:** but what do i do

 **untitled goose tim:** hmmm

 **untitled goose tim:** no wait i got this

\---

_“spitty tea squad aka FUTURE BEER PONG CHAMPIONS”_

**Timothy Stoker:** yo is michael still here?

 **Timothy Stoker:** or helen

 **Timothy Stoker:** any of the distortion gang will do

 **Timothy Stoker:** disto gang

 **Timothy Stoker:** !! disco gang!

 **Timothy Stoker:** im a genius

 **Sasha James:** oh my god old father tim(e) i disagree

 **Sasha James:** what are you doing this time

 **Timothy Stoker:** causing problems on purpose??? did u not read the other chat??

🚪

 **Timothy Stoker:** gonna take that as a yes to the disco gang!

 **Timothy Stoker:** whos it gonna be? time to play disco roulette wahoo

 **Sasha James:** yep okay i’m out! they’re cool and all but i’m not really in the mood to get hit on by helen rn so i’ll see you later!

 **Timothy Stoker:** clicky clicky

á̴̫͂ ̷̣͗l̷̘̯͐i̸̼̪͋ț̴̔t̸̹̓̓l̴̼͖̔e̶͙͆ ̸̟̒a̵̭̻͌̕r̴͓̱͘c̶͖͐͆h̴͈̋̋i̵̯̍̂v̶̹̭͂i̵͎̎s̶̖̼̒t̵͖͝!̸̞͛

 **Timothy Stoker:** yea okay this sounds like michael?

f̵̛̣ȏ̵̯̀r̶͍̍ ̴̦̲͠n̷͖̿o̵̝̒w̷̭̚!̸̥̜̓͗

 **Timothy Stoker:** hella! main man michael! 

**Timothy Stoker:** good to see u

 **Timothy Stoker:** couple of quick qs

 **Timothy Stoker:** am i a genius for calling u the disco gang or am i a genius

i̵̝̼̊ ̸̼̉́l̸̳͙̓̍i̷̲k̴̹̜̇͝ě̸̪͈͝ ̸̼̠͂i̶̖͂͜t̷̲̖͠

ŵ̶͉̕h̸̥͗̎y̷͉̠͝ ̴̟̚ń̸̬̄o̴̭͇̔̿t̶͍̮̀

å̸̧̹̾h̵͎͋͜a̸̟͆à̵̬͚ḩ̷̉̈å̸̧̹̾h̵͎͋͜a̸͆ä̵͇́͜ḧ̴̭̥́a̶͍͓̓̕h̴͚̭̉̒̔̽͛́ä̵̤̈͊͂͘ẖ̸̻̈͊̃̎ą̸͖̠͇̊̍͑̇h̵̡̨̠̜̜̪͔̟͇͖̱̝̯̹̬̰͉̫̻̠̰̟̳̞̳͜͠a̷̡̧̧̹̠̹̖̳̥̩͓͍̟͊̅̍̀̑͛̂͂̽̈͗ḧ̷̝͎̥͚͔́̄͛̔̿̓̉̇̇̄̈́͒̈́̉̆̊̄̚͝͝͝a̷̢̩̻̟̬̙̬̣̞̳̅̎͗͗̈́̂̇̿̍̋͘͠ͅ

 **Timothy Stoker:** fabu

 **Timothy Stoker:** sash when u read these im a certified genius according to an actual avatar so suck shit

 **Timothy Stoker:** so the real reason i need ur help, mikey babe

 **Timothy Stoker:** is the cursed ping pong ball from beer pong still cursed?

y̵̝͒͑ȅ̴̛̩ş̵̪̔̕

i̷͈̫̇̒t̷̛̩ ̶̞̃̈a̸̞̕l̷͉̰͂̐w̵̲̟͌a̶̰̎y̸͈̍ş̷͓̃ ̶̜̬͌w̶̜͊̏͜í̵͙͝l̶͒ͅḻ̷̅ ̷̀ͅb̶͍̈́e̴̐̓ͅ

 **Timothy Stoker:** good, good

 **Timothy Stoker:** aaaaaand how long does it bounce for?

f̸̬̹̀o̵͕̒r̶͖̺͑̆ē̵͍̋v̸̙̦̀ë̷͉r̶͉̼̀͆

å̸̧̹̾h̵͎͋͜a̸̟͆à̵̬͚ḩ̷̉̈å̸̧̹̾h̵͎͋͜a̸͆ä̵͇́͜ḧ̴̭̥́a̶͍͓̓̕h̴͚̭̉̒̔̽͛́ä̵̤̈͊͂͘ẖ̸̻̈͊̃̎ą̸͖̠͇̊̍͑̇h̵̡̨̠̜̜̪͔̟͇͖̱̝̯̹̬̰͉̫̻̠̰̟̳̞̳͜͠a̷̡̧̧̹̠̹̖̳̥̩͓͍̟͊̅̍̀̑͛̂͂̽̈͗ḧ̷̝͎̥͚͔́̄͛̔̿̓̉̇̇̄̈́͒̈́̉̆̊̄̚͝͝͝a̷̢̩̻̟̬̙̬̣̞̳̅̎͗͗̈́̂̇̿̍̋͘͠ͅ

 **Timothy Stoker:** perfect

 **Timothy Stoker:** thx!

\---

_“Jon has to clean out the breakroom fridge aHA”_

**untitled goose tim:** just going up to artefact storage to check out smth

 **untitled goose tim:** gonna introduce a lil bit of fun into the boring voyeuristic life of our double boss ;)

 **not-sasha:** omg tim

 **not-sasha:** firstly i'm amazed you can spell voyeuristic first go

 **untitled goose tim:** didnt u see? im officially a genius

 **not-sasha:** ah yes

 **not-sasha:** bc the literal personification of madness is such a reliable source

 **K:** Omgggg you used that chat

 **not-sasha:** secondly please don’t die up there

 **not-sasha:** artefact storage is a bitch and you’re too pretty to die

 **untitled goose tim:** aw babe :)

 **untitled goose tim:** but i must

 **untitled goose tim:** the necessity of giving bitchard the shits demands it

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** fair and valid

 **untitled goose tim:** aight im off >:D

\---

3:55 P.M.

 **_Sonja Zhao_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Sonja Zhao:** anyway so archives Tim is here

 **Rosie Kendall:** Omg

 **Rosie Kendall:** Why?

 **Sonja Zhao:** he wants to check out an artefact

 **Rosie Kendall:** Which one??

 **Sonja Zhao:** a cursed ping pong ball? we don’t really know what it is, but it keeps bouncing when you drop it, apparently indefinitely

 **Rosie Kendall:** ...

 **Rosie Kendall:** Why?

 **Sonja Zhao:** didn’t say

 **Rosie Kendall:** This should be good

 **Rosie Kendall:** At least he’s stopped trying to get me to let him release wildlife into Elias’s office

 **Sonja Zhao:** lol

 **Sonja Zhao:** they’ve really got a grudge against him

 **Rosie Kendall:** Omg I know, it’s fantastic

 **Sonja Zhao:** what kind of wildlife tho?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Mostly pigeons

 **Rosie Kendall:** Once a fox

 **Sonja Zhao:** omg

 **Rosie Kendall:** Yeah look I won’t lie, I was tempted about that one

 **Sonja Zhao:** lol

 **Sonja Zhao:** love that

 **Sonja Zhao:** ooh that reminds me, I’ve still got your jacket with the fox on the pocket

 **Rosie Kendall:** Ah I’ve been wondering where that went all day!

 **Rosie Kendall:** Did I leave it at yours last night?

 **Sonja Zhao:** you left it at mine, yeah

 **Sonja Zhao:** come pick it up now if you want!

 **Sonja Zhao:** it’s really cute so I’ve been wearing it c:

 **Rosie Kendall:** Omg 

**Rosie Kendall:** Thief! I’ll report you to

 **Sonja Zhao:** yeah? you’ll report me? to who?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Um

 **Rosie Kendall:** Okay yeah I might be having problems thinking of the appropriate authority

 **Sonja Zhao:** exactly >;)

 **Sonja Zhao:** just come down and pick it up :)

 **Sonja Zhao:** we’re not even running tests so you’re pretty safe

 **Rosie Kendall:** ...

 **Rosie Kendall:** Well, there’s nobody here

 **Rosie Kendall:** I’ll be there in a minute

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh

 **Rosie Kendall:** Wait

 **Rosie Kendall:** Are you up for creating some chaos in the archives?

 **Sonja Zhao:** only always

 **Rosie Kendall:** And do you mind them knowing about us?

 **Sonja Zhao:** hon

 **Sonja Zhao:** it’s literally impossible for them to get dress coded, most of them do absolutely no work at all, and I’ve heard they’ve even started a band down there? I really don’t think they care about professionalism, so it’s good on my end

 **Rosie Kendall:** Great

 **Rosie Kendall:** I’m going to cash in my favour :)

 **Sonja Zhao:** !

 **Sonja Zhao:** cannot wait!

\---

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** Martin? It’s favour time

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh! Okay, go ahead!!

 **Rosie Kendall:** I need you to pretend that you’ve known Sonja and I have been dating for ages

 **Rosie Kendall:** (It’s genuinely our 5 year anniversary next weekend, we just haven’t told people at work)

 **Rosie Kendall:** And then send me screenshots

 **Rosie Kendall:** Tim is going to burst into the archives with news and I need you to be very calm about it

 **Martin Blackwood:** Omg congrats!!!!

 **Rosie Kendall:** Aha, thank you! 

**Rosie Kendall:** But are you good for this?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Absolutely :)))

 **Rosie Kendall:** Remember, screenshots!

 **Martin Blackwood:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oop tim has just started posting

 **Rosie Kendall:** It begins...

\---

_“Jon has to clean the breakroom fridge aHA”_

**untitled goose tim:** omg lads lads lads

 **untitled goose tim:** firstly mission success, ive got the cursed ping pong ball

 **untitled goose tim:** bitchard is gonna hate it soooooo much

 **untitled goose tim:** secondly

 **untitled goose tim:** rosie came down from reception while i was there

 **untitled goose tim:** and just

 **untitled goose tim:** took sonjas jacket

 **untitled goose tim:** that she was wearing

 **untitled goose tim:** lil cheeky kiss also

 **untitled goose tim:** cute as shit

 **nova o blodyn:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** hella

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** no cishets in the institute!

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** no fucking cishets in the institute this is Good News

 **Only Connect loser:** yes

 **Only Connect loser:** this is me, the no fucking

 **untitled goose tim:** dlkgnreijngenak

 **Only Connect champion:** Jon

 **Only Connect champion:** You’ve been silent in the chat all day and then

 **Only Connect champion:** This

 **Only Connect loser:** I’ve been recording statements

 **K:** Jon omggg i am dying :’’’’D

 **_Sasha James_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: The Drake meme, with the top panel edited to read “no cishets in the archives” and the bottom panel edited to read “no cishets in the institute”]

 **not-sasha:** jon holy shit <3

 **untitled goose tim:** oh i gotta applaud u on ur speed memeing babe

 **not-sasha:** thanks babe!

 **K:** But rosie and sonja tho

 **K:** Did you guys not know theyve been going steady for ages???

 **untitled goose tim:** no??????

 **not-sasha:** wait you knew????

 **not-sasha:** what the fuck martin no none of us did???

 **not-sasha:** you knew and didn’t share?????

 **K:** Oh i guess im in reception quite a bit

 **K:** Must have just picked it up :))

 **not-sasha:** the first rule of institute gossip, martin!

 **not-sasha:** the first rule!

 **not-sasha:** always talk about institute gossip!

 **K:** Theyre coming up to their anniversary i think 

**K:** Five years as of next weekend :)))

 **K:** Its really cute :)))

 **Only Connect champion:** Okay but I’ve heard Sonja talk about Daisy

 **nova o blodyn:** ah yes

 **nova o blodyn:** admiration from afar

 **nova o blodyn:** she might be attached but she’s still got eyes

 **Only Connect champion:** True

 **untitled goose tim:** ayeeeeeee dais

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** sasha, is everything okay?

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i can see u vibrating from the breakroom

 **not-sasha:** i’m okay but

 **not-sasha:** i worked with sonja for three months before i got transferred out

 **not-sasha:** i worked with her more recently than five years ago

 **not-sasha:** how the fuck did i not know this?????

 **K:** Le shrug 

**K:** Maybe youre just not that observant?? :///

 **untitled goose tim:** :0

 **untitled goose tim:** o no u didnt

 **untitled goose tim:** rip in pieces marto

 **K:** :))

 **Only Connect champion:** Okay when Daisy literally sits back to watch her phone blow up you know it’s gonna be good

 **not-sasha:** martin you take that the fuck back

 **not-sasha:** i see all

 **not-sasha:** i know all

 **not-sasha:** i knew that library tom and delia from it were going to get together weeks before anyone else did

 **not-sasha:** and i still had a feeling about them and lo and behold karim joined their polycule three days later

 **not-sasha:** plus i’m the one who finds everyone’s lost or “stolen” snacks when they can’t find shit in the breakroom, and missing pens etc

 **not-sasha:** i’m observant

 **not-sasha:** i pick up on these things

 **not-sasha:** i’m the fucking brown bear of these archives

 **not-sasha:** and i’m not even spooky

 **not-sasha:** no offence jon

 **Only Connect loser:** none taken

 **Only Connect loser:** it’s not part of the Eye, you’re just very good at sensing...

 **Only Connect loser:** vibes

 **untitled goose tim:** sadkngweoi

 **not-sasha:** thank you though

 **not-sasha:** so i should have at least pegged it????? what the fuck????

 **not-sasha:** wait did you know? did you Know?

 **Only Connect loser:** well, you actually beat me on that, I try not to Know personal details

 **not-sasha:** the one thing i can pick up on better than the spooky knowing boss

 **not-sasha:** fuckign

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m living for how pissed sash is getting

 **nova o blodyn:** oh me too

 **nova o blodyn:** it’s good entertainment value watching someone else get pissed off for once

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** hella

 **K:** Look i really dont know what to tell you

 **K:** I thought everyone knew?? I mean it was kinda obvious

 **not-sasha:** hhhhhhHHHHHH

 **not-sasha:** i’m going to go scream in the tunnels excuse me

 **K:** Aaaa okay i have to cave

 **K:** Sasha, rosie told me to pretend that i knew

 **K:** I owed her a favour for luring jon away, she wants to see everyones reactions 

**K:** I had just as much idea as the rest of you aka none at all

 **not-sasha:** oh my god martin k blackwood you absolute shit

 **not-sasha:** you’re such a shit! such a shit and i love you

 **not-sasha:** well played, sir, well played

 **K:** I forgot how much you go off when your honour is called into question?? 

**not-sasha:** ...okay

 **not-sasha:** objectively, it probably was worth it

 **nova o blodyn:** it was

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** oh, it was

 **not-sasha:** i hate you all <3

 **not-sasha:** still, i am happy for them

 **not-sasha:** so happy, i’m absolutely going to buy them an anniversary cake

 **Only Connect champion:** You’re going to sic El*as on them?

 **not-sasha:** i’m just going to buy them a cake :)

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** playing dirty

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** nice

 **K:** Omgggg sasha

 **not-sasha:** i genuinely am happy for them, it is cute! i love any kind of love in the institute :)

 **not-sasha:** but nobody toys with sasha james and gets away with it >:)

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** So um

 **Martin Blackwood:** Before i send screenshots to rosie

 **Martin Blackwood:** The others are out and proud to everyone but you mentioned being ace as well and i dont want to out you!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you for checking!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I don’t hide it, but I do like to tell people myself

 **Jonathan Sims:** but it’s fine, you can send them

 **Jonathan Sims:** she already knows, actually, even though I never told her

 **Jonathan Sims:** I think she pegged it from the moment I first set foot in the institute

 **Jonathan Sims:** gave me an ace colours pin on my second day, it’s still on the bag I used to bring with me 

**Martin Blackwood:** Omg she gave me a pin when i first started too?????

 **Martin Blackwood:** She Knows

 **Jonathan Sims:** does she?

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...she does

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay i was just being flippant but

 **Martin Blackwood:** Does she really?? Like in the same way you Know???

 **Jonathan Sims:** I don’t think it’s the same

 **Jonathan Sims:** she’s certainly not a fully-realised avatar

 **Jonathan Sims:** but she’s been Elias’s secretary for years, which could mean she’s affiliated without even knowing it

 **Martin Blackwood:** Omg

 **Martin Blackwood:** Shes got a tiny bit of the spooky knowing and she uses it to make employees more comfortable 

**Martin Blackwood:** What a babe :))))

 **Jonathan Sims:** the more I think about it

 **Jonathan Sims:** actually, it would come under the Eye, wouldn’t it? if people aren’t comfortable with sharing that sort of information, it’s a very Eye thing to be able to know

 **Jonathan Sims:** even if she has no idea where that knowledge is coming from

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh my fucking godddd

 **Martin Blackwood:** Why cant we work in a normal office for once?? 

**Martin Blackwood:** Still its very cute that shes just like

 **Martin Blackwood:** “Im gonna get you a pin to make sure you dont feel alone”

 **Jonathan Sims:** finally someone using the Eye for good

 **Martin Blackwood:** I mean

 **Martin Blackwood:** Hey dont count yourself out of that!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, alright.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Good <33

 **Jonathan Sims:** I mean, I just use it to be google

 **Jonathan Sims:** but you know what I mean.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah 

**Martin Blackwood:** Shes a gem :))

 **Jonathan Sims:** she is

 **Jonathan Sims:** so to get back to the original point

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m fine with you sending the screenshots

 **Martin Blackwood:** Thanks xxx

 **Jonathan Sims:** x

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** As requested :)))

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **Martin Blackwood:** I think youll appreciate sashas response :)))

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh, I do

 **Rosie Kendall:** I very much do

 **Rosie Kendall:** Consider the favour paid

 **Martin Blackwood:** :))))

\---

5:04 P.M.

_“Jon has to clean the breakroom fridge aHA”_

**nova o blodyn:** stoker, it’s four minutes past 5

 **nova o blodyn:** why are you still here?

 **untitled goose tim:** some things are worth staying in the hell office longer than absolutely necessary for

 **untitled goose tim:** ok spooky google, is bitchard still here?

 **Only Connect loser:** no, he actually left early today.

 **untitled goose tim:** shitdamn i coulda done it and got out on time

 **untitled goose tim:** no matter!

 **untitled goose tim:** whomst here can pick locks?

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** aye

 **untitled goose tim:** oh perfect :D

 **untitled goose tim:** cmon

 **untitled goose tim:** were picking the lock on bitchards office door and lobbing the cursed ping pong ball in and running away

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** !

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** count me in

 **Only Connect loser:** ah, good.

 **Only Connect loser:** tomorrow, El*as will be greeted by the knowledge of rehearsals taking place in the archives and, hopefully, a ping pong ball to the face

 **Only Connect loser:** the video feed should be spectacular.

 **Only Connect loser:** I couldn’t ask for a better team of assistants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to report, lads! As always, thanks for reading / kudosing / commenting, I treasure each and every one <33  
> Also, if you're interested in the Hozier stuff, click on over [here](https://clarionglass.tumblr.com/post/632414057408937984/okay-so-those-of-you-who-are-here-because-of) to see my very rambly theory on why we should be very careful with Hozier's next album, as it could potentially contain a world-ending ritual... Aka a post in which I posit that Hozier has been marked by all the entities :P
> 
> [Glitch text transcript:  
> a little archivist!  
> for now!  
> i like it, why not? ahahahahahahahaha  
> yes. it always will be  
> forever! ahahahahahahahaha]


	26. monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **untitled goose tim:** u see the thing is  
>  **untitled goose tim:** the thing abt monster munch is  
>  **untitled goose tim:** all the flavour is between the toes  
>  **untitled goose tim:** which then begs the q  
>  **hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah i’m gonna stop u right there bud  
>  **untitled goose tim:** marto, ol buddy ol mate ol pal  
>  **K:** N o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which the monster munch saga continues  
> or;  
> My writing buddy timepatches, upon seeing my google doc: "i cannot fucking believe how much you wrote about a snack we don't even HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY"

Friday, 8:25 A.M.

_“Jon has to clean out the breakroom fridge aHA”_

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “this had better be worth it”_

 **untitled goose tim:** i wont lie im not happy abt getting here early when i left late yesterday

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** oh yeah

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** because a whole eight minutes means so much

 **untitled goose tim:** r u kidding? ofc it does

 **untitled goose tim:** esp in this hellhole

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** oh u’ve got a point

 **untitled goose tim:** anyway we had rehearsal here too last night so i was here for an extra 2 hrs off the clock as well u know

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** oh i guess

 **Only Connect loser:** I’m sorry, Tim, but this is necessary

 **Only Connect loser:** El*as gets here at 8:30 on the dot

 **Only Connect loser:** every single day

 **Only Connect loser:** and I thought you’d all like to see this in real time

 **untitled goose tim:** oh ur so right on that

 **untitled goose tim:** but im still gonna complain abt bein in at work before 9

 **untitled goose tim:** before 8.30 even

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: Jon and all of the archival assistants clustered around Jon’s computer in a tight huddle.]

 **nova o blodyn:** i hope you all realise how dumb you look

 **not-sasha:** you’re saying that like you didn’t immediately join us in the huddle as soon as you sent that picture

 **not-sasha:** anyway with 3 minutes to go i’m starting up the betting pool

 **not-sasha:** taking bets on where el*as cops the ping pong ball

 **not-sasha:** my money's on face

 **untitled goose tim:** hhhh shitdamn im torn between nuts and face

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** \--timothy stoker, 8.27am on this fine morning

 **untitled goose tim:** nah thats an always mood

 **Only Connect champion:** Quid on blindingly fast ball to the stomach

 **not-sasha:** nice, nice

 **nova o blodyn:** throat

 **nova o blodyn:** i hope to god it's the windpipe and he just. can't breathe

 **not-sasha:** yep

 **not-sasha:** i'll take that

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** nah i'm for face 

**hawkeye mcqueen:** nothing would be funnier than face

 **untitled goose tim:** mkay if 2 ppl have chosen face i think im legally obliged to go for nuts

 **untitled goose tim:** put my money on nuts, sash

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** \--timothy stoker, 8.28am

 **not-sasha:** martin did you have a bet?

 **K:** Ack i wanted to say face as well but there are too many people on it already

 **K:** Uhhh

 **K:** No dammit i desperately want to see him get hit in the face

 **K:** Well just have to split the pool

 **not-sasha:** okay

 **not-sasha:** that’s three for face, one for nuts, one for throat, one for stomach

 **not-sasha:** jon, do you have a bet? or is this below your dignity as the boss?

 **Only Connect loser:** of course I have a bet, Sasha.

 **Only Connect loser:** this is El*as’s inconvenience we’re talking about

 **Only Connect loser:** and I’m betting that he’ll get hit hard in the dignity.

 **untitled goose tim:** boss thats not

 **untitled goose tim:** thats not a place

 **Only Connect loser:** it is and I’ll fight for that.

 **K:** Shhhh guys get off your phones and watch!!!!

 **untitled goose tim:** here we go here we go here we go

\---

8:37 A.M.

 **untitled goose tim:** thank uuuuuuuuuu mikey boy >;D

 **Only Connect loser:** yes.

 **Only Connect loser:** I think I won the bet.

 **not-sasha:** holy fuck

 **not-sasha:** please tell me someone recorded that

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** ofc

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m the archives videographer

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** apparently

 **not-sasha:** and we love you for it <3

 **K:** Yesss melanie we do :)))))

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** aw u guys

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** that’s such sappy bullshit

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** (and it’s cute)

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** anyway

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: the video is of a grainy camera feed on a computer. The tops of Jon, Tim and Sasha’s heads are visible for the first few seconds, until the camera zooms in, focusing on the camera feed. The feed shows Elias’s office, and has a clear view of the door. The office is quiet and empty, save for a white blur that regularly bounces into frame, its motion appearing to follow no known law of physics.

The doorknob turns, and after a second, the door opens. Elias is framed clearly by the doorway for a second, before the ping pong ball zooms towards him. His eyes go wide with shock, but he sees it too late to move out of the way. It catches him full in the windpipe, and he coughs as it falls to the floor.

Outside the video feed, Daisy cheers, before Sasha is heard to say “No, no, wait, it’s still going!”

In the feed, the ball bounces, picking up speed, and in a beautiful parabolic arc, it hits Elias in the stomach. He bends double, placing him in the perfect position to get hit in the face by three consecutive bounces of the ball. With a little loop-the-loop, adding insult to injury, the ball flicks up once more, before bouncing over Elias’s shoulder and into the corridor. Elias is left wincing from his many stinging injuries. Video ends.]

 **K:** Did we

 **K:** Did we all win the bet???

 **K:** Holy fucking shit that was so so satisfying :D :D :D

 **not-sasha:** yeah

 **not-sasha:** yeah!

 **not-sasha:** on reviewing the footage multiple times, we all won

 **not-sasha:** bets are void, keep your quid

 **untitled goose tim:** fuckkk im gonna watch that all day :D

 **Only Connect loser:** not all day, I hope.

 **Only Connect loser:** I trust you’ll keep at least five minutes aside for your actual work?

 **untitled goose tim:** aw boss u say that like ur not gonna go into ur office and watch that on a loop

 **Only Connect loser:** ...no comment.

\---

10:12 A.M.

 **untitled goose tim:** so yea im still riding the high of el*as getting his arse beat by a ping pong ball

 **untitled goose tim:** but im still troubled

 **nova o blodyn:** tell us something we don’t know

 **untitled goose tim:** oi

 **untitled goose tim:** but yea anyway its been a few days and we never got a proper answer to the biggest q to haunt these archives

 **Only Connect champion:** Which question was that?

 **Only Connect champion:** No wait forget I asked

 **untitled goose tim:** ur both being mean to me :(((

 **untitled goose tim:** but the monster munch one

 **Only Connect champion:** Oh

 **Only Connect champion:** Yeah I was right

 **untitled goose tim:** no wait

 **untitled goose tim:** jonster munch

 **Only Connect champion:** I was very right

 **not-sasha:** oh no i sense a nickname change coming on

 **untitled goose tim:** u know me so well babe

 **untitled goose tim:** ahaha im doin it

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_jonster munch_ **

**K:** No no no dont revive this omg ^_^;;;

 **untitled goose tim:** wait iv had a better idea

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_jonster junch_ **

**nova o blodyn:** he will skin you alive

 **untitled goose tim:** bold of u to assume i dont crave death

 **untitled goose tim:** but no i need to kno abt the cannibalism thing

 **K:** Its your own fault if he comes into this chat and starts talking shit

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** nah i can hear him recording statements

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** as per fuckin always

 **untitled goose tim:** good so were having this discussion right here right now

 **untitled goose tim:** is the bossman eating monster munch cannibalism? provide reasoning

 **K:** So i did think about this at 2am and i did come up with an answer

 **not-sasha:** which is?

 **K:** No bc hes not a monster!!!

 **K:** Simple :))

 **nova o blodyn:** i also vote no

 **nova o blodyn:** bc he’s not a corn-based snack

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** counter, monster munch aren’t really monsters either, so they could be the same thing even tho jon’s not a monster

 **K:** Yeah but lots of things that arent monsters also arent the same thing? Like you and a potato both arent monsters, but youre not a potato

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i beg to differ

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i am the best potato

 **K:** Melanieeeee :((

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah but u know what i mean

 **K:** Jon and monster munch are not the same so its not cannibalism and that is final

 **untitled goose tim:** yea but. theyre both semi monsters

 **K:** Jon And Monster Munch Crisps Are Not The Same Thing :))))

 **untitled goose tim:** ooft ok :P

 **K:** :)))))))

\---

11:41 A.M.

 **untitled goose tim:** iv had another thought

 **untitled goose tim:** but at least this 1 we can test thru experiment

 **untitled goose tim:** (i have a background in research goddammit)

 **untitled goose tim:** u see the thing is

 **untitled goose tim:** the thing abt monster munch is

 **untitled goose tim:** all the flavour is between the toes

 **untitled goose tim:** which then begs the q

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah i’m gonna stop u right there bud

 **untitled goose tim:** marto, ol buddy ol mate ol pal

 **K:** N o

 **untitled goose tim:** would u b able to help a bro out

 **untitled goose tim:** for purely scientific reasons

 **K:** No f u c k i n g w a y

 **nova o blodyn:** jesus christ 

**nova o blodyn:** stoker i will not hesitate

 **Only Connect champion:** Wait

 **Only Connect champion:** You think those are the monster’s toes?

 **Only Connect champion:** I wanted to stay out of this but I can’t when you’re so wrong

 **untitled goose tim:** *im* so wrong????

 **untitled goose tim:** of course theyre its toes???? what else wld they be???

 **nova o blodyn:** basira you know i’d follow you into wildfire

 **nova o blodyn:** but what the fuck are you on about

 **not-sasha:** no no dw basira i’m with you

 **not-sasha:** they’re not feet, it’s a whole monster

 **not-sasha:** otherwise why is it monster munch if the crisps are shaped like just feet?

 **K:** No that is incorrect

 **K:** As much as i hate to agree with tim, theyre definitely feet/paws

 **_Sasha James_ ** _created a poll_

_are monster munch crisps the monster or its feet? warning: there’s only one correct answer_

_feet [4 votes]_

_monster [2 votes]_

**hawkeye mcqueen:** feet for sure

 **not-sasha:** no but i saw a fantastic theory

 **not-sasha:** it’s a monster’s head, and arms and legs

 **not-sasha:** and it makes sense bc the crisps are literally called?? monster munch???

 **K:** Nope i dont care bc youre still wrong :)))

 **nova o blodyn:** ^ seconded

 **not-sasha:** i can’t believe i work with so many philistines

 **untitled goose tim:** babe ur very much in the minority

 **nova o blodyn:** 4 against 2

 **K:** And im pretty sure jon will vote the right way bc he Knows everything

 **K:** So its 5 against 2 actually :)))))

\---

12:27 P.M.

 **untitled goose tim:** ok but despite these differences that i rlly didnt expect would be so contentious 

**untitled goose tim:** (srsly what the fuck babe)

 **untitled goose tim:** we can all agree that pickled onion is the best flavour tho

 **untitled goose tim:** and yellow monster is the most jon of them all

 **untitled goose tim:** its the lashes on the eye i think

 **untitled goose tim:** the way it stares out of the packaging at u

 **Only Connect champion:** I’m with you on that, but I thought you’d be a flamin hot man

 **untitled goose tim:** :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

 **untitled goose tim:** ;))

 **untitled goose tim:** sure am ;)

 **Only Connect champion:** Oh for fuck’s sake

 **K:** Nah tim can only go up to lemon and herb at nandos :)))

 **untitled goose tim:** :0 marto! i am betrayed!

 **K:** Thats what you get for bringing back the monster munch discourse :)))

 **K:** Pickled onion is the best tho, youre right

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** look it is the iconic flavour but

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i would cheat on pickled onion with flamin hot

 **not-sasha:** controversial

 **not-sasha:** but understandable

 **not-sasha:** i'm still a slut for pickled onion tho

 **nova o blodyn:** this is roast beef erasure

 **nova o blodyn:** i would buy roast beef in the shop but still tell pickled onion it's my number one

 **untitled goose tim:** marto whats jons fave??

 **untitled goose tim:** im quitting if its not pickled onion

 **untitled goose tim:** fuck the spooky eye magic im literally gonna walk out of here if the bossman has the wrong opinions on monster munch

 **untitled goose tim:** the beholding has nothing on my powers of infinite outrage over crisps

 **not-sasha:** says the man who eats chips with yoghurt hmmm

 **not-sasha:** anyway i’m gonna be using my phone to make a million statement followup calls, so i’ll head to the breakroom for a bit where it’s quiet

 **not-sasha:** please no monster munching for a bit?

 **K:** Sash ive been asking that all day to no avail :(((

 **K:** Trust me, jons gonna have a field day with this when hes done with the statements and im never gonna hear the end of it :PP

 **nova o blodyn:** wait.

 **nova o blodyn:** sasha

 **nova o blodyn:** what did you say

 **nova o blodyn:** stoker you do What now

 **untitled goose tim:** oh i forgot i had smth to do in artefact storage bye

 **K:** Omg tim youre actually doing a runner??

 **untitled goose tim:** yup

 **untitled goose tim:** but whats his fav flavour?

 **K:** Aaa i actually dont know???? Sorry tim!!

 **K:** Actually ive never seen him eat monster munch??

 **untitled goose tim:** no hes gotta

 **untitled goose tim:** if hes asking the q hes gotta know the crisps

 **K:** Good point...

 **Only Connect champion:** Anyway. We like Jon

 **Only Connect champion:** And I don’t think it would be possible to like someone who doesn’t like monster munch

 **Only Connect champion:** I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere

 **untitled goose tim:** tru tru

 **untitled goose tim:** bitchard doesnt like monster munch tho

 **nova o blodyn:** well that’s a given

 **K:** He doesnt deserve the goodness

 **not-sasha:** amen to that

\---

1:51 P.M.

 **Only Connect champion:** I’m just reading through this chat and

 **Only Connect champion:** Weren’t we going to add Gerry to this chat tonight? With the burner phone?

 **untitled goose tim:** and the problem is?

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** uhhhh we’ve spent the entire day talking about crisps?

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** god he’s in for such a shitshow

 **untitled goose tim:** nah thisll be a nice present for him :)

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** u are a horror, timothy

 **untitled goose tim:** part of the joy of working at the magnarse institute babey ;)

\---

2:24 P.M.

 **untitled goose tim:** k im back from artefact storage and iv had more thoughts actually

 **untitled goose tim:** so yea weve agreed that jons not a monster monster, and neither are the monster munch monsters or the monster munch crisps

 **untitled goose tim:** but the monster munch monsters and jon would both be recognised as monsters in the public eye

 **untitled goose tim:** (jon i mean by ppl who dont actually know u and just stumbled across ur spooky powers bit)

 **untitled goose tim:** so theyre in the same class of quasi-monster im pretty sure

 **not-sasha:** jesus christ i actually cannot deal with this

 **_Sasha James_ ** _renamed the group “monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat”_

 **not-sasha:** any mention of monster munch is now an automatic £2 in the jar

 **K:** Thank youuuuuuu <33

 **jonster junch:** so.

 **jonster junch:** I’m taking a break from the statements, and I’ve just caught up with this chat.

 **jonster junch:** and this is how you’ve been spending your day?

 **untitled goose tim:** oh no oh fuck

 **K:** Youre on your own here :)))

 **jonster junch:** Tim. can I see you in my office, please.

\---

_“jons fursona is a moth”_

**martini kart:** I told you tim

 **stonked:** worth it tho

 **stonked:** rip in pieces to me

 **stonked:** nice knowing yall

 **stonked:** hang on i gotta write my will

 **stonked:** melanie babe i leave u my penknife, i expect it to be buried in bitchards heart within a week

 **stonked:** marto u can have my mug and lighter, pls burn the archives down w it

 **stonked:** basira theres a book in my drawer abt bobby smirke, thats urs

 **stonked:** daisy i wish i had some actual weaponry for u but i dont so u just get my entire secret collection of party poppers to add to ur c4 stash

 **stonked:** sash u can have everything else i own as well as the letter in the bottom of my desk that contains a super elaborate love confession that i was planning to give u in s5 of our amazing office romance drama after ur hookup and breakup w helen but i guess finding it after my death is just as dramatic

 **saucy sash:** christ

 **saucy sash:** like, i’ll mourn for you after you’re brutally murdered by jon

 **saucy sash:** but at the same time

 **saucy sash:** why the hell are we friends

 **stonked:** bc u love me ;)

 **saucy sash:** goddammit i do

 **saucy sash:** bitch <3

\---

_“monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat”_

**untitled goose tim:** k boss im on my way :/

\---

3:50 P.M.

_“jons fursona is a moth”_

**stonked:** im somehow?? still alive???

 **stonked:** surprisingly it wasnt a chew-out

 **stonked:** but yea holy fuck we literally talked abt the philosophy of monster munch for all that time

 **stonked:** i did not expect to spend all that time unironically talkin abt crisps

 **martini kart:** I warned you

 **martini kart:** Did i or did i not warn you

 **stonked:** u did

 **stonked:** that was like

 **stonked:** some heavy metaphysical going

 **stonked:** and after all that, i am Done

 **stonked:** gonna crash on the time out couch for a bit 

**saucy sash:** good job babe

 **stonked:** :thumbs up emoji:

\---

3:56 P.M.

_“monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat"_

**Only Connect champion:** Ew

 **not-sasha:** ew?

 **Only Connect champion:** Old white men

 **nova o blodyn:** ah

 **nova o blodyn:** leitner day

 **Only Connect champion:** Got it in one

 **Only Connect champion:** Jon, can you Know why the fuck I thought agreeing to Leitner duty would be a good idea?

 **jonster junch:** because it needed to be done and nobody else wanted to do it

 **jonster junch:** didn’t have to Know that, I’m afraid.

 **jonster junch:** I’d give you a raise for having to deal with him, but El*as hasn’t approved any of my requests to get you all paid more.

 **jonster junch:** prick.

 **Only Connect champion:** One of these days I’m going to tase him

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** bitchard or janky?

 **Only Connect champion:** Both

 **nova o blodyn:** yes basira

 **untitled goose tim:** pls do

 **jonster junch:** please do.

 **not-sasha:** please do

 **K:** Please do omg

 **K:** What did Janky do this time???

 **Only Connect champion:** “Someone is using the Catalogue of Trapped Dead within the Institute, I can feel it. It’s a potent book, it needs to be brought to me as soon as possible so I can take better care of it”

 **Only Connect champion:** Ugh

 **Only Connect champion:** It is being used for the very noble purposes of helping Gerry and fucking with El*as, mate, so no way are you getting your grubby hands on it

 **Only Connect champion:** Christ

 **Only Connect champion:** Why are there so many posh pricks in this institute

 **jonster junch:** I know.

 **jonster junch:** we’re a plague

 **K:** Lucky youve got us to balance you out, in the archives at least <33

 **jonster junch:** I suppose I do

 **jonster junch:** thank you.

 **untitled goose tim:** yea were all feral bastards down here >:D

 **K:** Tim we were having a moment ://

 **untitled goose tim:** yea but now its a whole gang moment <3

 **K:** Okay i can get behind that :)))

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** idk why i have the desk with the best view into his office

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** but jon is smiling at his phone

 **K:** Aw <33

 **K:** Yeah i can very get behind that <333

\---

5:13 P.M.

 **jonster junch:** by the way

 **jonster junch:** (seeing as you’ve all left, so Sasha and Basira can’t murder me)

 **jonster junch:** (and I’ve already put my penalty in the jar)

_Poll:_

_are monster munch crisps the monster or its feet? warning: there’s only one correct answer_

_feet [5 votes]_

_monster [2 votes]_

**jonster junch:** it’s feet

 **jonster junch:** I can Know it, they always were intended as feet

 **K:** V i n d i c a t i o n !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the author continues writing dumbass shit that makes her happy in the hopes of fending off the horrors of s5, as well as those of the real world...  
> Gotta credit an extended wiki binge for all the monster munch info, as well as quizzing a mate of mine from England (and by extension her family and friends still over there). As promised: the "I would cheat on pickled onion with flamin hot" line must be credited to Chivers, 2020, and the "I'd buy roast beef at the shops" line is from Hond, 2020 :P  
> Stay safe out there, all <3


	27. Plan to get rosie (and sasha) to not murk us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Gerard Keay:** uh, hi  
>  **jonster junch:** hello, Gerry  
>  **jonster junch:** my apologies for anything that you’re forced to read in this group chat.  
>  **Gerard Keay:** oh shit i’m gonna dread scrolling aren’t i  
>  **Gerard Keay:** but cheers, it’s good to be here  
>  **Gerard Keay:** love the workaround with the book, if i’ve gotta be a ghost then at least i’m gonna be a cool ghost with beer and a phone  
>  **hawkeye mcqueen:** fuck yes u are  
>  **Gerard Keay:** one q, though  
>  **not-sasha:** shoot!  
>  **Gerard Keay:** what’s with the nicknames? we covered the band ones, sure  
>  **Gerard Keay:** but... jonster junch?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a while! But here we are! :D  
> Chat, now with extra added Gerry :)))

Friday, 8:28 P.M.

_ “monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat” _

**not-sasha:** okay and here we go in 3

**not-sasha:** 2

**not-sasha:** 1!

**_Sasha James_ ** _ added  _ **_Gerard Keay_ ** _ to the chat _

**untitled goose tim:** wooooooooooooooo

**K:** Yay!!! Hi gerry, nice to have you with us :)))

**Gerard Keay:** uh, hi

**jonster junch:** hello, Gerry

**jonster junch:** my apologies for anything that you’re forced to read in this group chat.

**Gerard Keay:** oh shit i’m gonna dread scrolling aren’t i

**Gerard Keay:** but cheers, it’s good to be here

**Gerard Keay:** love the workaround with the book, if i’ve gotta be a ghost then at least i’m gonna be a cool ghost with beer and a phone

**hawkeye mcqueen:** fuck yes u are

**Gerard Keay:** one q, though

**not-sasha:** shoot!

**Gerard Keay:** what’s with the nicknames? we covered the band ones, sure

**Gerard Keay:** but... jonster junch?

**jonster junch:** christ

**jonster junch:** I forgot you’d changed it to that.

**jonster junch:** Gerry, it’s because Tim is a prick. somehow, we still like him, but he’s a prick nonetheless.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_Jon_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_jonster junch_ **

**untitled goose tim:** nope its bc its been philosophically decided that our ever-delightful and radiant monsterboss is the same thing as monster munch

**jonster junch:** Tim.

**untitled goose tim:** ur welcome, boss! i kno ur a stickler for the truth!

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_Jon_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_jonster junch_ **

**Gerard Keay:** ...

**untitled goose tim:** i can keep this up aaaallllllll night >;)

**jonster junch:** do you want me to sic Daisy on you? I can sic Daisy on you

**nova o blodyn:** nah

**nova o blodyn:** i like jonster junch

**jonster junch:** traitor! I’m still your boss!

**nova o blodyn:** pff

**nova o blodyn:** you think you could take me?

**jonster junch:** ...no.

**nova o blodyn:** and technically el*as is my actual boss, as much as it hurts me to say it

**Only Connect champion:** Yep she’s dry-retching 

**Only Connect champion:** This is your fault, Jon

**jonster junch:** I’m being unfairly targeted

**jonster junch:** Martinnnnn

**K:** Omg you guys 

**K:** Still you did start it tho jon, you called tim a prick :///

**jonster junch:** betrayal at every turn! betrayed by my own true love!

**K:** Aw jon <33

**K:** But someone has to put you in your place every so often :)))

**jonster junch:** Martin!

**not-sasha:** wait omg jon called martin his true love in the chat and martin didn’t dissolve in a puddle of keysmash??

**not-sasha:** which means

**not-sasha:** the two of you must have incredibly cute pet names for each other that none of us in the office have heard omg

**untitled goose tim:** shitdamn

**untitled goose tim:** shes right lads

**untitled goose tim:** spill spill spill

**jonster junch:** yes, Sasha is right on both counts: we have them, and you’ve never heard them

**jonster junch:** and you never shall

**jonster junch:** for one thing, it’s hardly professional, and the archives are a work environment, despite everything.

**jonster junch:** for another, you make us pay up whenever we’re affectionate.

**jonster junch:** you have lost the right to know our terms of endearment

**jonster junch:** enjoy not knowing!

**hawkeye mcqueen:** jon holy fuck

**not-sasha:** aslkdfksdjfkl

**K:** Omgggggg

**K:** Sasha: obliterated

**K:** Tim: obliterated

**Gerard Keay:** gerry: confused

**not-sasha:** omg

**Gerard Keay:** yeah so i scrolled up a bit

**Gerard Keay:** then scrolled back down to this

**Gerard Keay:** and uh

**Gerard Keay:** new q

**Gerard Keay:** what fresh hell is this

**Gerard Keay:** here was me thinking the band was manic

**untitled goose tim:** >:D

**Gerard Keay:** like, i love it

**Gerard Keay:** but damn if i’m not glad that i can just go back in the book and not have my ghost phone blow up with insanity

**nova o blodyn:** you

**nova o blodyn:** you’ve got the right idea of it

**Gerard Keay:** there aren’t heaps of perks to being a ghost

**Gerard Keay:** but there are some

**untitled goose tim:** wow rude

**untitled goose tim:** but ur right on one count tho gezza

**untitled goose tim:** the nicknames in this chat are so

**untitled goose tim:** scattered

**untitled goose tim:** time for some new ones ayeeeee

**nova o blodyn:** oh no

**untitled goose tim:** oh yes!

**untitled goose tim:** iiiiiiiiiiiit’s

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_donkey kong_ **

**donkey kong:** mario kart mains time babey

**donkey kong:** :D :D

**hawkeye mcqueen:** oh nice

**_Melanie King_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_dry bones_ **

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_daisy_ **

**donkey kong:** ur

**donkey kong:** ur shitting me

**Only Connect champion:** Unfortunately she is not

**daisy:** good name, good character

**donkey kong:** i Guess

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_king bob-omb_ **

**daisy:** does she main it? no

**daisy:** does it fit her? yes

**king bob-omb:** Cheers

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_link_ **

**link:** he’s not mario mario but he’s on mario kart

**link:** and i love himb

**donkey kong:** ayee nice

**donkey kong:** wait

**donkey kong:** iv just had the best idea

**donkey kong:** marto dont change ur nickname 

**donkey kong:** i kno u main yoshi but this time i gotchu

**K:** Im not sure whether to be worried or not

**donkey kong:** since when do i have bad ideas?

**K:** Im not going to answer that one :PP

**donkey kong:** no no ull love this

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_mario_ **

**mario:** Aw okay, its not bad :)))

**donkey kong:** i had to

**mario:** Lol :PP

**donkey kong:** aaaaaaand

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Gerard Keay_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_king boo_ **

**donkey kong:** geddit? geddit?

**king boo:** wow 

**king boo:** nah i don’t think i’d have got that one w/o your explanation, thanks

**donkey kong:** god its hard being the resident archives genius

**link:** pfft

**jonster junch:** well.

**jonster junch:** I’d like to join in, but

**jonster junch:** as you are aware

**jonster junch:** I have never played Mario Kart in my life.

**donkey kong:** oh boss dw we got u sorted

**donkey kong:** ur all thinking what im thinking right

**link:** oh i think we are

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to _ **_princess peach_ **

**mario:** Oh my god you guys :’’’’D

**princess peach:** does this mean something?

**princess peach:** ...ah.

**dry bones:** omg jon did u just ~spooky know~ who peach is?

**princess peach:** ...I may have done

**princess peach:** look, I can’t say I’m too annoyed by her connection to Mario

**mario:** <333

**donkey kong:** quid in the jar on monday!

**donkey kong:** also boss its relevant bc uv been kidnapped the most of all of us

**princess peach:** it was only once!

**mario:** Yeah and that was one time too many :///

**princess peach:** ...

\---

_ “jons fursona is a moth” _

**stonked:** i mean its not entirely accurate seeing as

**stonked:** as we all kno

**stonked:** negative arse

**stonked:** there aint much 🍑 for that bad boy

**saucy sash:** timpestuous byronic antihero stoker you are Never bringing up the arse rankings again

**moscow muleanie:** every day i thank god herself that i was not around for the arse rankings

**boozeira:** ^^^

**martini kart:** Tim i will murder you

**stonked:** o no

**dui:** rip

\---

_ “monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat” _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ changed  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_konkey dong_ **

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ changed  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_kinky dong_ **

**kinky dong:** asddskgjkljg m aR TO

**princess peach:** ...

**princess peach:** I Will Not Ask

**mario:** Good xx

\---

_ “jons fursona is a moth” _

**stonked** marto holy Fuck

**martini kart:** :)))

\---

Tuesday, 9:02 P.M.

_ “monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat” _

**king bob-omb:** So we’re watching Bake Off reruns

**king bob-omb:** I like Nadiya, so sue me

**dry bones:** is it bc u’ve got the same last name?

**king bob-omb:** I mean

**dry bones:** oh my god are u related? :-P

**king bob-omb:** We are not

**king bob-omb:** But I wish we were, bc I can’t bake for shit, and it’s just pleasing to see what she bakes

**king bob-omb:** Aesthetically, and on like. An emotional and spiritual level

**mario** Amen to that holy shit i love bake off :))))

**mario** So soothing :))))

**king bob-omb:** Right?

**king bob-omb:** Anyway, we get up to the judging

**king bob-omb:** When Daisy turns to me and says

**king bob-omb:** “Mary Berry could take Paul Hollywood in a fight”

**king bob-omb:** And I thought that was one for the group chat

**dry bones:** she’s so sweet tho

**dry bones:** but fuck, she does have a vibe

**link:** oh my god she’s right

**link:** she’s cooking tv’s gertrude robinson

**mario** Didnt i read somewhere that she had polio as a child tho??

**dry bones:** u say that like it means something?

**dry bones:** she’s mary fuckin berry

**dry bones:** she murked the polio virus and if she wants to murk u she will fuckin succeed

**mario** Oh good point

**link:** you never actually met gertrude, did you?

**mario** No

**mario** Actually i might have seen her once in passing??? But nothing more than that

**kinky dong:** i still maintain shes more cardigan than woman

**link:** yeah that’s how she presented herself

**link:** she wanted to be seen as all meek and harmless

**link:** but you heard gerry’s tape

**link:** she had hidden depths

**link:** actually there are two sources that say that, michael had a proper rant at beer pong

**kinky dong:** tru

**link:** well i’m not going to summon michael into this chat

**link:** but jon, do you have the book with you?

**link:** i want to hear this from gerry, can you read out him and his phone?

**princess peach:** I’m really not sure an artefact like this should be used in this way.

**princess peach:** but Gerry says he doesn’t mind, so

**mario** And its annoying janky leitner and el*as, remember :))))

**princess peach:** amen to that.

**princess peach:** and Gerry likes being part of the group, although with you lot, I can’t imagine why.

**kinky dong:** bc we are fkn delights <3

**princess peach:** right, here he is.

**king boo:** hey

**king boo:** give me a sec to catch up

**king boo:** oh, gertrude?

**king boo:** yeah i worked with her for a few years

**king boo:** and she’s a stone cold bitch 100%

**link:** thank you! see, everyone?

**king boo:** do i like her? jury’s still out

**king boo:** do i respect her? Fuck Yes

**link:** aHA

**link:** if you don’t believe me, tim, do you believe gerry?

**kinky dong:** no i dont not believe u

**kinky dong:** its just hard to reconcile

**link:** that’s why she’s so effective

**daisy:** like mary berry

**daisy:** who would have paul hollywood pinned in about 5 seconds

**link:** actually this bake off talk has reminded me

**link:** gotta order an anniversary cake for rosie and sonja

**dry bones:** christ

**link:** black forest, ofc

**link:** right

**link:** i’m gonna order it.

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to the group _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _ to the group _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Gerard Keay_ ** _ to the group _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Melanie King_ ** _ to the group _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ to the group _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ added  _ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _ to the group _

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ renamed the group “Plan to get rosie (and sasha) to not murk us” _

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay ive called you all together bc this is actually looking a bit dire

**Martin Blackwood:** Were all agreed that we cant pull this on rosie, right?

**Martin Blackwood:** She will find out and murder us very subtly

**Jonathan Sims:** we have a working theory that she’s a little bit Eye-aligned without knowing it

**Alice Tonner:** right. of course she is.

**Melanie King:** everything in this fucking place is spooky

**Jonathan Sims:** ...this is apparently some kind of stronghold of the Eye, you know

**Melanie King:** doesn’t mean i have to like it

**Jonathan Sims:** unfortunate

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m part of the Eye, and even I don’t like it

**Melanie King:** lol

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah so we reckon rosie is part of it too

**Martin Blackwood:** And she organises el*ases diary so shell be able to do all kinds of Bad if she finds out it was us

**Martin Blackwood:** And we cant put sasha off this idea

**Martin Blackwood:** So we gotta tell rosie, right???

**Melanie King:** are u kidding? sasha would kill us

**Martin Blackwood:** But so would rosie :///

**Melanie King:** true

**Gerard Keay:** oh god yeah

**Gerard Keay:** you do not fuck with rosie

**Gerard Keay:** even gertrude knew that

**Basira Hussain:** So we need to tell her, but, to quote Jon

**Basira Hussain:** We need “plausible deniability”

**Jonathan Sims:** not sure that quote is a compliment.

**Basira Hussain:** It’s not

**Jonathan Sims:** hm.

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay but youre both right tho

**Martin Blackwood:** So we need to warn rosie about whats going to happen in a way that doesnt tell her directly or make sasha suspicious

**Martin Blackwood:** Shit that means i cant do it

**Martin Blackwood:** Sasha is already sus about me

**Timothy Stoker:** o shes equally sus abt everything i do so theres that i guess

**Alice Tonner:** she won’t suspect me

**Alice Tonner:** and i don’t want el*as getting any closer to these archives than is absolutely necessary

**Alice Tonner:** i’m not having rosie set him on us in retaliation

**Alice Tonner:** don’t want that

**Melanie King:** oh true

**Alice Tonner:** basira, should we walk past the reception desk and have a Conversation?

**Basira Hussain:** Sure

**Basira Hussain:** And even if Sasha does suspect something, Dais has got the stare

**Alice Tonner:** damn right i do

**Timothy Stoker:** fuck yea the stare can freeze anyone

**Gerard Keay:** yep i’m gonna use ghost privilege and nope outta this one

**Gerard Keay:** rosie is scary organised and sasha gives off baby gertrude vibes and i do Not want to get caught between them

**Timothy Stoker:** lol

**Timothy Stoker:** gezza my man that is very valid

**Gerard Keay:** fading back into the book now

**Gerard Keay:** read me out again when you’re sure neither of them are gonna come for us

**Jonathan Sims:** will do.

\---

_ “monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat” _

**link:** right, order is placed and the cake will come on fri

**link:** so should i get it sent to reception?

**link:** or artefact storage?

**kinky dong:** nah sonja is cool

**mario:** Yeah :)))

**mario:** Remember when she managed to stop jon trying to destroy the cursed table??

**kinky dong:** yea exactly

**kinky dong:** without her we wouldnt still have the most epic beer pong table

**mario:** Or jon, probably????

**princess peach:** look

**princess peach:** in my defence.

**princess peach:** I was very paranoid and misinterpreted where the Thing was coming from

**princess peach:** I’m very grateful that Sonja took the axe away from me before I did anything really dangerous.

**princess peach:** I thought the weird noises coming from the table when I took the chip out of it was a good sign, you know?

**princess peach:** like the Thing was dying

**link:** yeah, no

**link:** that was Not it, jon

**princess peach:** yes, well, I’m incredibly glad that Sonja was working late that night.

**dry bones:** is it true that she whacked the Thing on the head(ish) with a fire extinguisher and duct taped the chip in the table?

**princess peach:** well, you saw the duct tape on the table yourself at beer pong.

**mario:** (Aka yes she did and it was amazing :DDD)

**dry bones:** fuckin legendary

**link:** you better have bought her a bottle of wine or something to say thanks

**link:** even though i’m holding a grudge, she did do us a very big solid in saving you and not letting it get out

**princess peach:** thank you.

**link:** plus ever since the Thing tried to impersonate me i will cheer for anyone who lands a hit on it

**princess peach:** of course I did 

**princess peach:** I might be some kind of budding eldritch monstrosity, but I’m not impolite.

**link:** so we’re sending it to reception even tho sonja is equally at fault for not letting on while i worked there

**link:** still, she’ll get caught in the crossfire, which will have to do

**king bob-omb:** I’ve been working with you for a while now

**king bob-omb:** And I’ve never seen this side of you before

**king bob-omb:** Remind me to never piss you off

**kinky dong:** oh our sash doesnt get mad often but when she does its fkn intense

**link:** :)

\---

_ “Plan to get rosie (and sasha) to not murk us” _

**Basira Hussain:** Is it too late to back out of volunteering to tell Rosie?

**Timothy Stoker:** yea :)

\---

Wednesday, 10:35 A.M.

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _ to  _ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** Well well well

**Rosie Kendall:** Just overheard a very interesting conversation between Daisy and Basira when they went for coffee

**Sonja Zhao:** oh?

**Sonja Zhao:** what about?

**Rosie Kendall:** Apparently Sasha has ordered us a cake for our anniversary

**Sonja Zhao:** oh! cute

**Sonja Zhao:** aw I’m glad we indirectly told them about us :)

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh, no no

**Rosie Kendall:** It’s a black forest cake

**Sonja Zhao:** oh

**Sonja Zhao:** nope

**Rosie Kendall:** Yeah

**Rosie Kendall:** She wants to set Elias on us

**Rosie Kendall:** Well, probably me, to be honest

**Rosie Kendall:** Knowing Sasha, it’s payback for the whole not telling them about us thing

**Sonja Zhao:** shit yeah

**Sonja Zhao:** I worked with her for three months while you and I were dating, which means two things

**Sonja Zhao:** I know that she holds a grudge when it comes to petty things like this

**Sonja Zhao:** and she’s definitely holding one now

**Rosie Kendall:** However, I’m experienced in the sport of Elias management

**Rosie Kendall:** He’ll be annoying but not a bother, and at least he’ll have cake

**Sonja Zhao:** our cake

**Rosie Kendall:** ...True.

**Rosie Kendall:** It’s not fair to set him back on the archives, we kinda should take this one

**Rosie Kendall:** (Although if I hadn’t had the advance warning I’d have been Peeved, so thanks, Daisy and Basira)

**Rosie Kendall:** However

**Rosie Kendall:** If Helen and/or Michael come through the front door, rather than making their own, I’m not going to filter them anymore

**Rosie Kendall:** They can go straight through to the archives

**Sonja Zhao:** from what I’ve heard, isn’t Michael a lot like Michael Shelley the old archival assistant? or could possibly somehow be the same person?

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh true

**Rosie Kendall:** I can probably make him a staff pass, then!

**Rosie Kendall:** Excellent :)

**Sonja Zhao:** >:)

**Sonja Zhao:** the really sad thing, though

**Sonja Zhao:** is that even though I know Elias is going to be there

**Sonja Zhao:** my own desire for cake (anniversary cake!) means that I’m definitely coming too

**Rosie Kendall:** Cake is the downfall of so many people at this institute

**Sonja Zhao:** and I will swan dive willingly into the arms of the grim reaper for it

\---

Thursday, 11:52 A.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** Martin, is everything alright?

**Jonathan Sims:** nobody’s heard from you since you headed to the library, they’re beginning to think you’ve been eaten by an escaped Leitner

**Jonathan Sims:** I told them that only one of us is allowed to get kidnapped in this relationship but I don’t think they believe me

**Martin Blackwood:** Pfft

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah 

**Martin Blackwood:** Im okay

**Martin Blackwood:** Well

**Martin Blackwood:** Ran into peter lukas when i was just about to head back and apparently the lonely always likes to hit me over the head 

**Martin Blackwood:** Currently recovering (aka arguing with myself but i think im winning) in the reading nook in the back stacks

**Jonathan Sims:** ah.

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah

**Martin Blackwood:** Ill be back in a bit but i just need a mo

**Martin Blackwood:** Not quite up to Everyone yet

**Jonathan Sims:** do you want me to come up?

**Martin Blackwood:** ...Yes

**Martin Blackwood:** Thanks

**Jonathan Sims:** want me to bring tea? if I’m sneaky I can smuggle it past Diana

**Martin Blackwood:** Mr sims i love you but a) you dont bring your spicy blends to work, b) when youre not making your funky blends you heat the water in the microwave which is a Sin, and c) youre not sneaky in any way :///

**Jonathan Sims:** so I take it that’s a no.

**Martin Blackwood:** You are correct

**Martin Blackwood:** Tbh im not quite feeling tea

**Martin Blackwood:** Something about peter lukas always makes me think of making oolong when mum was in a mood and its not a great feeling

**Jonathan Sims:** okay

**Jonathan Sims:** no tea, just me.

**Martin Blackwood:** I mean

**Martin Blackwood:** If youre recording, you dont have to

**Martin Blackwood:** I know youre busy

**Jonathan Sims:** nothing will stop me from being there. with you.

**Martin Blackwood:** If youre sure

**Jonathan Sims:** I am.

**Martin Blackwood:** ...Okay

**Martin Blackwood:** :)

**Martin Blackwood:** Thanks, jon xx

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ll be there as soon as I can x

\---

_ “monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat” _

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent an image _

[Image ID: A photo of Jon and Martin sitting in a reading nook in the library. Martin’s eyes are closed, and he has a not-quite-smile of quiet contentment as he rests his head on Jon’s shoulder. Jon has his arm around Martin’s shoulder, and is looking at Martin with a fond expression, unable to take his eyes off him even as he takes the selfie.]

**princess peach:** not dead, not kidnapped, just resting

**mario:** Yeah im g 

**mario:** Plukas encounter :///

**mario:** But im feeling better now, thanks for being concerned <33

**link:** aw :))

**king bob-omb:** Glad you’re both okay

**kinky dong:** :0 boss n marto ur so cute??? how r u this cute???

**dry bones:** fucking disgustingly soft. 10/10 

**daisy:** hate to be a killjoy

**daisy:** but uh

**daisy:** we have a bit of a situation

**kinky dong:** o no

**kinky dong:** fuckhands alert

**kinky dong:** or was it code fuckhands

**link:** yeahh jon, they’re asking to speak to you

**princess peach:** christ. of course they are.

**mario:** Once more unto the breach?

**princess peach:** indeed. 

**mario:** Jsyk jon just sighed one of the heaviest sighs ive heard in my life :PP

**princess peach:** we’ll be there shortly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, apologies for the delay in posting this one, lads. I've been doing more crochet of an evening, which on the one hand is eating into my writing time, but on the other hand, means that lil crochet Martin is finally happening! There will naturally be links to a tumblr post of pictures when he's done :D  
> Gotta say, I wasn't expecting all the monster munch discourse last chapter (apparently there's a completely different type of monster munch in Europe!), but I loved it! Thank you all for getting just as into this as the characters did <33  
> A quick note about characterisation in light of 187: Helen (and Michael) are genuine friends to the gang in this fic and I will stand by that! This is a Bad Shit-lite AU where friendship is Encouraged (if that wasn't already clear, 27 chapters in), so the Distortion is definitely a friend. They're still fear monsters, though, so they will be the uncomfortable friend (i.e. Helen's verson of wingmanning/wingwomanning/wingdistortioning), but the friendship is genuine :)


	28. holy fucking fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Jonathan Sims:** so.  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** I asked Melanie to record this for you  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** actually now I think about it, she probably would have shown you herself  
>  **Georgie Barker:** lol  
>  **Georgie Barker:** what is it?  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** from rehearsal  
>  **Georgie Barker:** a new song?!?!?!?!!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought you knew what was going to happen this chapter based on the previous setup? So did I! Turns out we were both wrong :'D  
> And because it's been a while since we've seen this chat, for reference, the El*as haters are:  
> #0 Jon  
> #1 Martin  
> #2 Sasha  
> #3 Tim  
> #4 Melanie  
> #5 Daisy  
> #6 Basira

Thursday, 12:43 P.M.

_“monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat”_

**kinky dong:** so

 **kinky dong:** lemme get this straight

 **kinky dong:** fuckhands mcmike and fuckhands mchelen just

 **kinky dong:** wanted to show off the fact that michael has a staff pass now

 **dry bones:** well he did say that it means he can make a door straight into bitchard’s office now

 **kinky dong:** o good point

 **king bob-omb:** Okay but did nobody else notice that Jon and Martin and Sasha aren’t here, or

 **kinky dong:** no theyre here, i saw them a second ago?

 **kinky dong:** fuck

 **daisy:** double fuck

 **mario:** Nono its fine

 **mario:** Mostly

 **mario:** Were just in the corridors, helen wanted to speak to me and jon

 **daisy:** mostly?

 **dry bones:** knife v knife hands coming up

 **mario:** Holy shit melanie!!! Its not like that lol

 **mario:** Shes just being uh

 **mario:** Very interested in me and jons relationship :///

 **mario:** “Seeing as i was the one who got you two lovebirds together!!”

 **mario:** Can the earth just open up and swallow me please

 **dry bones:** oh big yikes

 **mario:** Yeah we were together before she turned up and plonked an exhausted jon in my lap

 **princess peach:** I think she’s talking about spin the bottle

 **mario:** Ohhh yeah i guess so then, that did make us talk about things

 **mario:** But her aggressive wingdistortioning was not what got us together and i will stand by that

 **princess peach:** quite so.

 **princess peach:** we would have got our act sorted out. eventually.

 **kinky dong:** :eyes emoji: :eyes emoji:

 **kinky dong:** sure u would bud

 **princess peach:** well, it might have taken a while, but we would have.

 **mario:** What he said :)))

 **mario:** Anyway yeah she just wanted to take us aside and be uncomfortably friendly i guess!! Which is peak helen tbh

 **kinky dong:** yea tru

 **king bob-omb:** But Sasha, though?

 **king bob-omb:** Was she with you?

 **princess peach:** ...no

 **princess peach:** not that I saw

 **link:** i’m fine

 **link:** ^^helen was being uncomfortable and friendly 

**link:** aka going real hard with the flirting 

**link:** i gotta say i'm not really picking up what she's putting down 

**link:** bc i think that would involve becoming an avatar of the spiral too and i'm not really about that fear munchin life

 **link:** no offence jon

 **princess peach:** none taken, it's not really my cup of tea either but here we are, I suppose

 **link:** but i do appreciate her offering to make a sneaky door in reception so i can watch what happens with the cake >:) 

**link:** looking forward to that one >:)

 **princess peach:** good lord. 

\---

10:28 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** so.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I asked Melanie to record this for you

 **Jonathan Sims:** actually now I think about it, she probably would have shown you herself

 **Georgie Barker:** lol

 **Georgie Barker:** what is it?

 **Jonathan Sims:** from rehearsal

 **Georgie Barker:** a new song?!?!?!?!!?!

 **Jonathan Sims:** it's a bit Gunpowder Tim and the Moon Kaiser in form 

**Georgie Barker:** ooooh i'm very interested

 **Georgie Barker:** what's it called what's it called what's it called??

 **Georgie Barker:** the admiral is glaring at me now bc i'm bouncing in my seat and i woke him up

 **Georgie Barker:** but i told him it's your fault :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** you brought this on yourself

 **Jonathan Sims:** apologise to him and then I'll send it

 **Georgie Barker:** yes i've said sorry and given him a cuddle, i'm not a monster and i can't stand it when he's mad at me

 **Georgie Barker:** but what's it called?????

 **Jonathan Sims:** The Ballad of Gertrude Robinson

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: The camera turns on, showing a crowd of people with instruments in the main office space of the archives--Jon, Basira, Daisy, Martin, Tim and Sasha are all there, as well as a young woman with auburn hair, a handsome black man, a tall guy with a hoodie, and a plastic mannequin. The view adjusts slightly to get all of the band clearly in shot, then Melanie comes round from the side to join them. With a glint of manic energy in his eye, Jon counts them in.

The ensuing song is a mishmash of different genres, albeit all sung in roughly the same style. Oliver sings the lion’s share, narrating a story of the warrior-scholar queen of a far-off planet. However, verses alternate between different singers, each character giving a different perspective on the queen. Gerry sings a couple of verses about bravely hunting monsters as the queen's apprentice, whereas Agnes sings a verse about star-crossed lovers, connected by a red string of fate. Michael snarls out a verse as another apprentice, betrayed by the queen he served and trusted, distorting the video slightly with his story of ruthlessness. Oliver then sings of his visions of the queen's death, and her inevitable demise, before Jon and Sasha duet a quarrelling counterpoint about which of her heirs would take the crown. The song ends with Jon emerging victorious, but at great cost, and realisation just beginning to dawn. 

There's a moment of frozen silence at the end, before the the band erupts in cheers and congratulations, and Melanie moves to turn off the camera. Video ends.]

 **Georgie Barker:** holy shit jon!!!

 **Georgie Barker:** i love it

 **Georgie Barker:** this is like

 **Georgie Barker:** the return of peak mechs-era jon

 **Georgie Barker:** we’ve got characters! truly fuckin weird intense stories! a lot of gore!

 **Georgie Barker:** and some phenomenal music omg

 **Georgie Barker:** so so good

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you

 **Georgie Barker:** was she really like that? gertrude, i mean?

 **Jonathan Sims:** apparently. it's fictionalised, of course, but yes.

 **Georgie Barker:** shitdamn

 **Georgie Barker:** oh god i’ve picked that up from tim oh no

 **Jonathan Sims:** I won’t tell him if you don’t

 **Georgie Barker:** good :)

 **Georgie Barker:** aw love remember when i had to push you into going out for drinks with your coworkers? and now you’re in a band with all of them plus some avatars

 **Georgie Barker:** you’ve come so far!

 **Jonathan Sims:** slightly patronising, but I’ll take the compliment

 **Georgie Barker:** love you :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know

 **Jonathan Sims:** hold on a minute, I’m getting a message from Nikola

\---

 **_[unknown]_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**[unknown]:** Archivist!

 **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola

 **Jonathan Sims:** did you leave something in the archives after rehearsal? I haven’t left yet, you can get Michael or Helen to give you a door to come pick it up

 **Jonathan Sims:** (please never do that if I'm not here)

 **[unknown]:** I Wouldn't Dream Of It! 

**[unknown]:** I Haven’t Left Anything Behind, But Thank You Anyway

 **[unknown]:** I Was Just Thinking That We Should Put On A Concert Someday Soon

 **[unknown]:** I Have The Perfect Venue! 

**[unknown]:** louistussaudshouseofwax.co.uk/home 

**Jonathan Sims:** ...where is that?

 **[unknown]:** Great Yarmouth :o)

 **Jonathan Sims:** Great Yarmouth?

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh.

 **Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Jonathan Sims:** no, no, not there, no

 **Jonathan Sims:** how did you even

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s closed down! the webpage doesn’t exist!

 **[unknown]:** :oD

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’re not having a concert in the abandoned waxworks museum and that is final

 **[unknown]:** But The Venue Hire Will Be Free!

 **[unknown]:** And We’ll Have Lots Of Audience Members, All Of My Friends Will Come

 **Jonathan Sims:** forgive me for thinking this sounds a lot like a Stranger ritual

 **[unknown]:** Oh No, That’s A Dance, Not A Concert

 **[unknown]:** We’ll Be Fine!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I'll check with the others. that is as much as I'm promising. 

**Jonathan Sims:** the others who aren't avatars

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I'm fairly sure that, like me, they'll also say no. 

**[unknown]:** That's Okay! 

**[unknown]:** Let Me Know! 

\---

_“monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat”_

**princess peach:** right, just received this message from Nikola

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _created a poll_

_is this a terrible idea?_

_yes [6 votes]_

_no [1 vote]_

**princess peach:** Melanie.

 **princess peach:** Melanie, why

 **dry bones:** not my fault, georgie made me

 **dry bones:** she says “i’m the only one? not even tim?”

 **kinky dong:** the stranger and i have history

 **kinky dong:** and yea this sounds like a ritual to me soz

 **princess peach:** yes, that’s what I thought too

 **dry bones:** g says “oh that’s fair then”

_Poll:_

_is this a terrible idea?_

_yes [7 votes]_

_no [0 votes]_

**princess peach:** well, that’s decided.

 **princess peach:** I’d already made my mind up, but I’ll let Nikola know.

 **mario:** No wait

_Poll:_

_is this a terrible idea?_

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _added a poll option_

_yes [6 votes]_

_no [0 votes]_

_Yes but lets do it anyway [1 vote]_

**mario:** Whats she gonna do against all of us? Not to mention agnes and mike and even oliver i guess, they wont want to be involved with a stranger ritual and theyd probably actively stop it

 **mario:** Plus gerrys a ghost and i dont think hed even be affected so hes backup if we need it :))

 **kinky dong:** hmmmmm marto i reckon ur onto smth there

 **mario:** :)))

 **king bob-omb:** I know who I am

 **king bob-omb:** I cling so fucking tight to it every day

 **king bob-omb:** Stranger rituals have got nothing on me

 **daisy:** also we can do pyrotechnics if we need to

 **daisy:** i’m very keen to do pyrotechnics, plus the hunt stuff can't hurt

 **mario:** I mean :///

 **mario:** :PP

 **daisy:** yeah okay the whole point of the hunt is to hurt, sure, but it won't hurt *us*

 **kinky dong:** aw babe u like us :)

 **link:** actually slaughter avatars have stopped the unknowing before, i found a statement about it the other week

 **link:** i’ll try and dig it out again actually

 **link:** but what i’m saying is, as long as we’ve got melanie, we’re g, and daisy and the hunt would probably work the same

 **dry bones:** yeah cool

_Poll:_

_is this a terrible idea?_

_yes [1 vote]_

_no [0 votes]_

_Yes but lets do it anyway [6 votes]_

**princess peach:** ...

 **princess peach:** you have all betrayed me

 **mario:** Youre saying you dont want to play a concert somewhere with massive spooky vibes? You cant tell me that the college age jon inside you isnt excited

 **princess peach:** Martin.

 **mario:** Dont martin me, jon, i know youre still a theatre kid at heart

 **mario:** And i know youre gonna have the time of your life if you do this concert :)))

 **princess peach:** ...

 **kinky dong:** is he wrong tho?

 **princess peach:** unfortunately, he is not.

 **princess peach:** christ.

 **princess peach:** okay. I’ll tell her we’re in.

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_[unknown]_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** ...yes. well.

 **Jonathan Sims:** they'll do it. we'll do it. 

**[unknown]:** Yay! :oD

 **Jonathan Sims:** I should say that this doesn't mean we don't also think it's a terrible idea

 **Jonathan Sims:** but there are enough non-Stranger avatars to step in if everything goes drastically wrong

 **[unknown]:** I’m Glad You Said Yes! This Is Going To Be So Much Fun!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m already having regrets, seeing as I was kidnapped there

 **Jonathan Sims:** so please don’t push me

 **[unknown]:** :o(

 **[unknown]:** That’s Fair, I Understand That You Might Have Bad Memories Attached To It

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...and of course that probably feeds you

 **[unknown]:** Well, Yes

 **[unknown]:** But If It’s Too Distressing For You, I Suppose We Can Have A Concert Somewhere Else? You Need To Be On Top Of Your Game To Perform Well!

 **Jonathan Sims:** no, I’ll be alright.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and, well. grudgingly. I admit that this might be fun.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I have missed performing, and the audience atmosphere is going to be... unique

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...as long as nothing goes catastrophically, I think I’ll enjoy it

 **[unknown]:** :oD

 **[unknown]:** This Will Be Such A Good Concert, I Promise! My Friends Are Going To Love The Ballad Of Gertrude Robinson, And They’re So Keen To Hear The Calliope Played Properly!

 **Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m slightly okay with the venue, but the calliope is staying in artefact storage where it belongs, and I’m not budging on that.

 **[unknown]:** Aw

 **[unknown]:** But It Was Worth A Shot, At Least!

 **[unknown]:** See You At Rehearsal Next Week, Archivist!

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, see you then.

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** I have one question

 **Georgie Barker:** only one?

 **Jonathan Sims:** boo

 **Georgie Barker:** :)

 **Georgie Barker:** but shoot

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’re normally so cautious about all of this. the entities, and everything associated

 **Jonathan Sims:** even if you’re not afraid of it, you tell me not to get involved

 **Jonathan Sims:** so why are you encouraging me to do a concert in a stronghold of the Stranger?

 **Georgie Barker:** uh

 **Georgie Barker:** isn’t it obvious?

 **Georgie Barker:** the mechs got disbanded once you all got jobs at different ends of the country, and i really miss seeing you make music, particularly hella cool stuff like what you just sent me

 **Georgie Barker:** also I trust you to get out of spooky situations

 **Georgie Barker:** particularly bc you’ll have all the others with you :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** Georgie, I

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you

 **Jonathan Sims:** that means a lot

 **Georgie Barker:** :)

 **Georgie Barker:** anyway this concert had better be epic if i’m gonna go into that fuckin hell museum

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ll do our best!

\---

Friday, 10:31 A.M.

_“monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat”_

**_Sasha James_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: A photo taken through a cracked-open door--dirty yellow-painted wood is visible on the edges of the image. The centre of the image focuses on the reception desk, where a very fancy black forest cake is sitting proudly. Rosie and Sonja are standing on one side, each holding a piece of cake and smiling awkwardly. On the other side of the desk stands Elias, who has a large piece of cake, and is looking quite smug about that fact. The photo shows him with his eyes shut happily and his mouth open, as if he’s delightedly lecturing the other two.]

 **link:** yessssssssssssssssss

 **link:** honour is restored

 **kinky dong:** congrats babe!

 **link:** thank you

 **link:** also helen is being remarkably nice and encouraging me in my pursuit of revenge so let’s hear it for my corridor-creating enabler

 **link:** i’m gonna pause while you all cheer in the archives

 **mario:** Uh, okay?

 **mario:** We did it

 **link:** tyvm

 **link:** helen says she appreciates it

 **link:** and the corridors haven’t even eaten my brain a little bit so i’m actually v impressed with her

 **link:** probably best not to push it tho

 **princess peach:** yes, I agree

 **king bob-omb:** Will you be coming back soon?

 **link:** yeah

 **link:** i’m just gonna watch and gloat for a minute longer then i’ll be back :)

 **kinky dong:** that’s our sash

 **link:** <3

\---

Saturday, 3:42 P.M.

_“jons fursona is a moth”_

**martini kart:** Oh my fucking god can we not have nice things????

 **saucy sash:** martin? what’s up?

 **martini kart:** Okay so jon and i are finally doing the v&a like we planned months ago and i just

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _sent a photo_

_[Image ID: a zoomed-in picture of the back of two annoyingly familiar people, taken over the heads of a crowd. One sports a head of immaculately-coiffed, greying blonde hair and a navy suit jacket, and the other has shaggy, steely-grey hair and, as he is turned slightly in profile, a full beard of the same colour.]_

**moscow muleanie:** no no no no no fucking way

 **moscow muleanie:** fuckign

 **moscow muleanie:** what are bitchard and plukas doing there what the fuck

 **martini kart:** I dont know and its stressing me out?????

 **martini kart:** Jon hasnt seen them yet and id like to keep it that way which is why im posting in this chat

 **martini kart:** You think hed Know it but it looks like its a blind spot maybe?? Bc it doesnt look like theyve noticed each other at all thank christ

 **boozeira:** Just a philosophical question

 **boozeira:** Do you have to pay up when you put a photo of El*as in the group chat?

 **saucy sash:** oh good q

 **saucy sash:** no i’m gonna say you’re fine on this one, martin, seeing as it’s necessary info and it’s in this particular chat for a reason

 **martini kart:** Thank you!!

 **martini kart:** Honestly if i had to pay up as well as see him on our date i would have cried :(((

 **martini kart:** Im trying to steer jon away from this area of the museum but hes so interested and i dont want to pull him away what do i doooooo

 **martini kart:** Oh christ oh no its too late

 **dui:** fuck

 **dui:** abort abort abort

 **stonked:** rip marto and jons cute museum date

\---

_“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”_

**elias hater #0:** so. I believe Martin has informed you of who else is currently in this museum.

 **elias hater #0:** as such, our planned activities have been suspended.

 **elias hater #2:** oh noo jon i’m sorry to hear that!

 **elias hater #1:** Ahahahahahaha

 **elias hater #2:** martin?

 **elias hater #0:** we’re spying on them instead

 **elias hater #3:** holy fuck boss !

 **elias hater #5:** okay. this is basira’s and my area.

 **elias hater #5:** so listen up

 **elias hater #5:** you have to keep them in line of sight at all times, but not look like you’re watching them. since there’s two of you, this should be easier

 **elias hater #6:** Like, Martin, you can walk ahead of them and do your own thing, while Jon keeps an eye on them until they catch up to you

 **elias hater #5:** yeah. or stay at a distance and use your phone’s zoom lens to keep an eye on them, if you’ve got a decent phone camera

 **elias hater #6:** And reflective surfaces! You’re somewhere with lots of glass cases, use that to your advantage by pretending to look at the exhibits, when you’re actually keeping an eye on them in the reflection

 **elias hater #0:** I mean. thank you for the advice?

 **elias hater #0:** but if we were serious, I’d use the Eye

 **elias hater #0:** I’m not above using unknowable eldritch fear powers to be petty

 **elias hater #3:** love that for u

 **elias hater #0:** but we’re having fun being spies and

 **elias hater #1:** Oh my god jesus jon did you see that????

 **elias hater #0:** yes

 **elias hater #0:** I don’t know what to think about that

 **elias hater #4:** about what??????

 **elias hater #2:** ^^^^^^

 **elias hater #1:** They just went into an exhibit

 **elias hater #1:** Like a special popup exhibition

 **elias hater #1:** On fuckign

 **elias hater #1:** Georgian and victorian erotica?????????

 **elias hater #3:** efkangkrjeng

 **elias hater #4:** nO

 **elias hater #6:** They did not 

**elias hater #6:** They fucking did not

 **elias hater #0:** they absolutely did

 **elias hater #2:** tell me you’re following them please please please

 **elias hater #0:** of course we are

 **elias hater #0:** as much as I love museums, and the V&A in particular, this is much more fun

 **elias hater #1:** Jon please dont hate me for saying this

 **elias hater #1:** Just turn off your phone or something and dont read the messages

 **elias hater #1:** Okay hes gone

 **elias hater #1:** Omgggg guys hes so cute

 **elias hater #1:** Hes just like,,,, snooping about??? All big eyes and sneaky glances and dodging behind pillars

 **elias hater #1:** And hes not even using the eye, hes just having fun being a spy????

 **elias hater #1:** This is the one time i think im glad el*as is around??? Bc if he wasnt then i wouldnt have got to see jon being so fucking adorable i cannot deal with this

 **elias hater #5:** .

 **elias hater #5:** .

 **elias hater #6:** That’s a really terrible way to tail someone

 **elias hater #1:** Thats not the point?????

 **elias hater #5:** trust me

 **elias hater #5:** you can tail someone correctly and still be hot

 **elias hater #5:** professional badassery is very hot and you can take my word for that

 **elias hater #2:** !!

 **elias hater #3:** is that a tiny tiny tiny bit of cute from stone cold badass daisy tonner? u guys im living for all of this content

 **elias hater #3:** ilysm babes xxx

 **elias hater #1:** Omgg daisy you so have to pay up when we get back to work ahahahaha :’’’’D

 **elias hater #1:** Thats so lovely tho :)))

 **elias hater #5:** fine i’ll pay but we are never speaking of this again

 **elias hater #0:** is it safe for me to come back now?

 **elias hater #2:** yes

 **elias hater #0:** good

 **elias hater #0:** because I think we’ve got something going on here

 **elias hater #3:** other than bitchard and plukas going to an exhibit on old porn together????? bc i think thats news of the day

 **elias hater #3:** oh ewwww do u reckon theyr gettin back together?

 **elias hater #3:** im gonna yak

 **elias hater #4:** oh fuck me that’s disgusting

 **elias hater #4:** gross old bastards and their marriage cycle

 **elias hater #4:** they just don’t deserve any happiness ever

 **elias hater #1:** To be fair i dont think the marriages bring them that much happiness lol

 **elias hater #4:** lol

 **elias hater #0:** no be quiet all of you

 **elias hater #0:** El*as and P*ter have just paused by something in a display case, I can’t quite see what it is

 **elias hater #0:** but I’m close enough to hear them.

 **elias hater #0:** and P*ter just said

 **elias hater #0:** “didn’t that one used to be yours?”

 **elias hater #0:** El*as replied but a gaggle of tourists just came past and I couldn’t make out what he said

 **elias hater #0:** and it made me think

 **elias hater #0:** have any of you ever noticed the similarity between El*as and the awful painting of Jonah Magnus in the second floor corridor?

 **elias hater #0:** admittedly we don’t have much reason to go to the second floor, but I got lost one day when I was working in research, and I burst out of a room and came face to face with it

 **elias hater #3:** boss b4 u go any further

 **elias hater #3:** was there a spider involved at all?

 **elias hater #3:** bc i canNot imagine u getting lost and “bursting out of a room”

 **elias hater #3:** except if there was some spider related panic involved

 **elias hater #0:** ...there may have been.

 **elias hater #0:** but that’s not the point.

 **elias hater #0:** the point is that there’s something, and I don’t know what it is, but there is definitely something similar between El*as and that painting 

**elias hater #0:** the bearing? the expression like somebody has just shoved a fresh and steaming dog turd under his nose? the aura of disrespect for anyone who doesn’t earn over £1 million a year? the obscenely shiny shoes?

 **elias hater #0:** I don’t know, but it’s there.

 **elias hater #0:** no, I’m certain of it

 **elias hater #0:** there’s a connection.

 **elias hater #3:** lol k boss

 **elias hater #3:** time to get the red string n the theory board back out

 **elias hater #4:** jon: “i’ve connected the dots!” tim: “u didn’t connect shit”

 **elias hater #3:** lol spooptuber solidarity

 **elias hater #4:** u better believe it

 **elias hater #2:** no no you guys i know what painting he means

 **elias hater #2:** it’s right near the hr office which is a fucking joke

 **elias hater #2:** but i think he’s on to something

 **elias hater #2:** class field trip to see the painting on monday

 **elias hater #3:** yea i was joking around, i didnt mean to be actually disrespectful bc i mean u all kno abt my circus obsession from before the band

 **elias hater #3:** i legit actually have a theory board lol

 **elias hater #4:** fuckin fantastic

 **elias hater #1:** I actually do not want to think about this on our half date half spy movie so lets put a pin in this one til monday then?

 **elias hater #0:** good idea, Martin.

 **elias hater #3:** tell me if u see any more of bitchards ancient dildos ayeeee

 **elias hater #0:** ...

 **elias hater #0:** will do?

 **elias hater #3:** ur my fav boss

\---

Monday, 9:07 A.M.

_“monster munch discourse is banned in the group chat”_

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “holy fucking fuck”_

 **kinky dong:** fcuk

 **kinky dong:** k so i went up to the 2nd floor as soon as i got in and

 **kinky dong:** lads

 **kinky dong:** u gotta see this right fucking now

 **kinky dong:** bc hes right

 **kinky dong:** hes fuckign right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooooo boy things are heating up! Although the writing is slowing the hell down, I may have stumbled across a vague conclusion to this fic in the writing of this chapter... There's still a fair bit to go before we get to that conclusion, though, and it doesn't mean I'll stop completely! I still want to be able to play in this sandbox whenever I have a fun idea, but I think I'm running out of steam for the consistent update schedule I had once upon a time. (Remember when this updated multiple times a week? Oof :P )  
> Of course, if anyone has ideas you'd like to see in here, hmu in the comments or on tumblr! I always love hearing from you guys, and the amount of love this fic has got still amazes me on a daily basis <333 You guys are the best, and I'm so so grateful for every read and kudos and comment that the fic gets <33


	29. why did we think this was a good idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **elias hater #2:** fuck you can’t let a thing slip in your meeting  
>  **elias hater #0:** I know  
>  **elias hater #0:** I was thinking of being all nice, but that would make him suspect even more   
> **elias hater #1:** Jon it so would  
>  **elias hater #5:** god no don’t do that  
>  **elias hater #0:** quite.  
>  **elias hater #0:** so I guess I just get to be prickly and verbally abusive! my dream role  
>  **elias hater #3:** boss i love u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me to my writing buddy: Oh. Ohohoho. I can be very evil this chapter...  
> :)

Monday, 9:09 A.M.

_ “holy fucking fuck” _

**kinky dong:** nope i cant do this here 

**kinky dong:** i cant sully this chat with that pic

**kinky dong:** i just cannot

\---

_ “elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker” _

**elias hater #3:** ok fuck so here he is

**elias hater #3:** the bastard

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a painting of Jonah Magnus with a certain smug light in his eyes that’s eerily reminiscent of Elias’ same smug look.]

**elias hater #4:** oh my fucking god

**elias hater #4:** it’s the same look

**elias hater #4:** down to the fucking tilt of the eyebrows

**elias hater #2:** fuck

**elias hater #2:** yeah

**elias hater #2:** it’s him

**elias hater #2:** el*as. is jonah fucking magnus?????

**elias hater #2:** first of all how the fuck

**elias hater #2:** second of all how??? the fuck??????

**elias hater #6:** I knew he was up to something but I never expected that

**elias hater #5:** i have eyes on blackwood and 

**elias hater #5:** something you’re not telling us, martin?

**elias hater #1:** Omg no its not what you think

**elias hater #3:** what what what im still omw down

**elias hater #2:** martin’s got this look on his face like he’s annoyed and pleased all at once

**elias hater #4:** basically the look everyone gets when they’re talking to u, tim :-)

**elias hater #3:** ah fabu

**elias hater #5:** but. why.

**elias hater #5:** that’s not the face that goes with this sort of news.

**elias hater #1:** Omgggg you guys im here in the chat???? And across the desk from most of you????? No need to psychoanalyse me when im right here :’)))

**elias hater #1:** But its not about el*as

**elias hater #1:** Well i mean it is a bit, but not like that

**elias hater #0:** christ

**elias hater #0:** Martin. do not.

**elias hater #3:** ohohohoho

**elias hater #3:** yes marto !

**elias hater #2:** oh martin do!

**elias hater #1:** :)))

**elias hater #0:** good lord.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent an audio recording. _

[Audio ID: Martin’s voice is heard whispering very close to the recorder.

> Martin: Okay, so it’s Saturday, about a quarter to nine. He’s been going on like this ever since we got back from the museum.
> 
> Jon, further away, the clink of plates audible in the background: ...but I’m certain of it, even if there’s no concrete evidence, I just know he’s Jonah Magnus!
> 
> Martin, no longer whispering, but talking to Jon: I know, love, you’ve said about fifty thousand times.
> 
> Jon: Because I’m right!
> 
> Martin: Is any of this coming from... you know? The great googly bastard of knowledge?
> 
> [Jon snorts.]
> 
> Jon: ...well, no. 
> 
> Martin: No?
> 
> Jon: It seems like... well, um, there’s a bit of a blind spot. Around Elias.
> 
> Martin: ...I’m sorry?
> 
> Jon: But I don’t need the Eye to know it, I can be certain without it!

Audio ends.]

**elias hater #0:** yes, Martin, that’s quite enough.

**elias hater #3:** theres more???

**elias hater #1:** Oh yep :))

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent an audio recording _

[Audio ID:

> Jon, sounding tired but wide-awake: But the thing is, how? The Eye can’t do body swapping, right?
> 
> Martin, mumbling: My love. My dearest love. It’s two thirty-bloody-eight in the morning. 
> 
> Jon: Sleep can wait til tomorrow, I’m thinking.
> 
> Martin: We’ll lose custody of the Admiral if you wake him up. Georgie will know, because she always does, and we won’t even get weekend visits.
> 
> Jon: ...fine. Fine. 
> 
> Martin: Just go to sleep, Jon. 
> 
> Jon: Yes, yes. But only for the Admiral's sake. 
> 
> [Martin chuckles sleepily.]

Audio ends.]

**elias hater #0:** you recorded that? you told me you were just checking the time on your phone!

**elias hater #1:** I was

**elias hater #1:** But also, this :))))

**elias hater #1:** Thought youd appreciate it, with the tape recorders and all :))

**elias hater #0:** ...

**elias hater #1:** :)))

**elias hater #1:** Oh, and

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent an audio recording _

[Audio ID: Martin is once again whispering to his phone.

> Martin: Martin’s log, star date... uh, star date I’m beginning to regret doing this like that, but we have to live with our decisions, I guess. It’s Sunday now, and Jon is still every so often going on about this Elias is Jonah Magnus theory. He’s so fixated, and it’s getting a little bit weird now but it’s still actually cute as shit, so I'm not going to tell him to stop, haha. Still, I reckon this will be good blackmail material one day, so I'm still recording it anyway.
> 
> Jon, in the background: Martin? Martin, it's coming up to the 200th anniversary of the foundation of the institute, do you think that's important?
> 
> Martin, to Jon: I dunno, love, maybe? He does seem like the type to do things for the drama, or the symbolism. 
> 
> Jon: Yes, my thoughts exactly. Hmm.

Audio ends.]

**elias hater #2:** omg jon

**elias hater #2:** love seeing you at peak conspiracy nerd

**elias hater #4:** oh and nice star trek reference, martin :-P

**elias hater #1:** Like i said, i had regrets :’)))

**elias hater #3:** boss im super impressed

**elias hater #3:** forget the theory board, this is fuckin amazing

**elias hater #0:** once again, no comment.

**elias hater #2:** hang on hang on are we just going to overlook the fact that martin just called jon love? like, a lot? bc it's actually adorable

**elias hater #1:** :)))

**elias hater #0:** if I keep saying "no comment", will you let this be? 

**elias hater #2:** nope! 

**elias hater #2:** but since this was clearly recorded at home, i'm going to be nice and not make you pay up

**elias hater #1:** Oh thank god ahahaha

**elias hater #0:** I've been trying to work out what he's up to, so sue me

**elias hater #0:** Sasha, you think this is peak conspiracy nerd? christ, you've not seen anything yet.

**elias hater #0:** remember when we found out that Gertrude had died? I very nearly stalked Tim, Sasha and Martin just to make sure you weren't involved in her death

**elias hater #3:** jesus fkn christ 

**elias hater #0:** yes, you have no idea how glad I am that I didn't do that. 

**elias hater #3:** yea boss u and me both 

**elias hater #0:** but now I'm channelling all my abilities of conspiracy into this

**elias hater #0:** because his being ominous when we thought he was just Elias was concerning enough. 

**elias hater #0:** but if he's over 200 years old, and he's trying to shepherd me, and by extension, all of us, down a particular path...

**elias hater #0:** if we're the culmination of something centuries in the making...

**elias hater #0:** whatever it is, it can't be good. for us, or for anyone. 

**elias hater #4:** so what now? 

**elias hater #5:** plan a? i'm keen for plan a

**elias hater #4:** oh u know i'm always up for plan a

**elias hater #4:** fuck up the bastard for good 

**elias hater #0:** good lord

**elias hater #0:** for the millionth time, if you kill him, you kill everyone attached to the archives, and possibly the institute as a whole. 

**elias hater #0:** and I believe him even more now it turns out he’s secretly Very Old, and has probably been at the helm of the institute in some guise the entire time

**elias hater #0:** as much as I hate to give him credence, his “heart of the institute” deal is more than likely very real, and very dangerous.

**elias hater #0:** he’s tied himself to this place somehow, I’m sure of it.

**elias hater #6:** So, we need to get more information.

**elias hater #6:** We can't really act until we know what he's planning

**elias hater #6:** Get more facts than speculation

**elias hater #0:** I agree.

**elias hater #0:** well, I still have the key I copied the last time I broke into his office

**elias hater #0:** so I'm going to break in again. 

**elias hater #3:** yesssss boss

**elias hater #3:** u fuckin madlad

**elias hater #2:** you copied his key? holy shit jon

**elias hater #0:** of course, how else was I going to get in? and keep getting in when something like this happened? 

**elias hater #2:** oh no, i love it

**elias hater #2:** it's a very me kinda move 

**elias hater #0:** thank you.

**elias hater #3:** wait u made me and melanie pick his lock to drop the cursed ping pong ball??? boss pls

**elias hater #0:** I thought you'd enjoy the team bonding exercise

**elias hater #1:** Ahahaha jon i call bullshit :'''D

**elias hater #0:** yes well maybe I forgot I had it. but the point stands, I have it now. so I can break in. 

**elias hater #5:** good

**elias hater #5:** fuck his shit up, sims

**elias hater #0:** thank you, daisy.

**elias hater #0:** as for the fucking his shit up? I plan to. 

**elias hater #0:** I have my weekly meeting with him tomorrow morning, and since it's the first Tuesday of the month, he'll be having his budget meeting at around lunchtime. so he'll be out of the office. 

**elias hater #2:** ohhh yes you're completely right 

**elias hater #1:** Ill get in touch with rosie then and ask her to let us know when el*as is coming back :))

**elias hater #1:** Can i bribe her with tickets to the concert???

**elias hater #1:** Do we even get comps???

**elias hater #6:** We’re still planning to have the concert? Even with all this?

**elias hater #1:** Oh good point :(((

**elias hater #0:** I’ll have to message Nikola about it, but it might not go ahead, if all this is still happening. I hope we don’t have to cancel it, but I’m not making any promises.

**elias hater #3:** omfg yes dad

**elias hater #3:** i mean, ur right n all, but fuckkk u sound like a dad lol

**elias hater #0:** ...

**elias hater #0:** moving swiftly along.

**elias hater #0:** Martin, if it does go ahead, yes, you can bribe Rosie with tickets.

**elias hater #1:** Fab, ta :)))

**elias hater #0:** but we still have to plan what we’re doing here. 

**elias hater #0:** my main priority is getting some, or indeed any, concrete info on what he’s actually up to

**elias hater #4:** go through his drawers?

**elias hater #0:** exactly.

**elias hater #0:** I have to go alone, I think the Eye thing creates some interference, so he shouldn’t be able to see what I’m doing in there

**elias hater #2:** fuck you can’t let a thing slip in your meeting

**elias hater #0:** I know

**elias hater #0:** I was thinking of being all nice, but that would make him suspect even more 

**elias hater #1:** Jon it so would

**elias hater #5:** god no don’t do that

**elias hater #0:** quite.

**elias hater #0:** so I guess I just get to be prickly and verbally abusive! my dream role

**elias hater #3:** boss i love u

\---

Tuesday, 10:22 A.M.

_ “holy fucking fuck” _

**princess peach:** I’m on my way back to the office

**link:** how did it go?

**princess peach:** the usual

**princess peach:** a lot of monologuing.

**princess peach:** absolutely no different from normal.

**mario:** Ack jon im sorry you have to meet with him so much :(((

**princess peach:** me too, Martin, me too.

**princess peach:** and I still want to ram those awful oxfords up his arse.

**princess peach:** knowing he can Know what we’re thinking has not stopped me from thinking that exact thought in every meeting. he must be tired of it by now

**princess peach:** but it remains the truth.

**princess peach:** and he knows it.

**king bob-omb:** Which means he doesn’t know about the other stuff?

**princess peach:** he absolutely does not.

**princess peach:** and he’s not Looking over here, we’re safe to plan in this chat

**kinky dong:** yessss

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the chat “heist time heist time heist time” _

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ ’s nickname to “heist daddy” _

**heist daddy:** Tim

**heist daddy:** please

**heist daddy:** this is a serious operation

**link:** i swear to god i’m gonna lock your admin privileges one day 

**kinky dong:** ;))))

**king bob-omb:** All this aside, Jon. What’s the plan?

**heist daddy:** we went over this yesterday? I break in, I go through his files, and I find out what he’s planning.

**king bob-omb:** And that’s... all the plan?

**heist daddy:** yes

**king bob-omb:** Jon

**mario:** Well ill be waiting to hear back from rosie to see if el*as comes back 

**king bob-omb:** Oh thank fuck one of you has half a plan

**king bob-omb:** Daisy, tell them

**daisy:** basira i literally don’t know what to tell them

**king bob-omb:** You’ve led raids before???

**daisy:** yeah but that was mostly 

**daisy:** ya know

**daisy:** hunt stuff

**daisy:** fuck i wouldn’t give any of that as advice to follow

**king bob-omb:** Fuck

**king bob-omb:** Just don’t do anything reckless, okay? Jon?

**daisy:** ^^ lol that’s exactly why i’m not giving the advice

**heist daddy:** yes, gran

**heist daddy:** christ

**heist daddy:** I know the layout of his office, I know which drawers of his desk and filing cabinet he normally keeps locked, so I am going in with half a clue

**mario:** I know, we never doubted you :)))

**dry bones:** yeah no not to be a snitch but basira just visibly relaxed lol

**king bob-omb:** That’s the literal definition of being a snitch?

**dry bones:** le shrug

**kinky dong:** aw babe thats one of my lines 

**kinky dong:** ur learning from me ;)))

**heist daddy:** anyway

**heist daddy:** now we wait.

\---

11:04 A.M.

**_[unknown]_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**[unknown]:** Sooooo

**[unknown]:** I Hope You Don’t Mind

**[unknown]:** But I’ve Asked A Few Friends If They Want To Play In Our Concert Too!

**Jonathan Sims:** that's very nice, possibly 

**Jonathan Sims:** ...actually, I’ve been meaning to message you about this. I’m sorry, but we might have to cancel the concert

**Jonathan Sims:** ...we need to work through something here.

**[unknown]:** What Sort Of Something? 

**Jonathan Sims:** a pretty bad sort of something. 

**Jonathan Sims:** it's to do with El*as

**Jonathan Sims:** I can't tell you any more than that. 

**[unknown]:** No

**[unknown]:** I Won't Let That Bastard Eye Man Ruin Our Concert! 

**Jonathan Sims:** I'm sorry, Nikola, and I appreciate your willingness to help (?)

**Jonathan Sims:** but we need to sort this out before I can even start thinking about the concert. 

**Jonathan Sims:** I don't want to cancel it either, and I hope it doesn't come to that, but it's not outside the realms of possibility.

**[unknown]:** … Okay

**[unknown]:** I Understand

**[unknown]:** But If There’s Anything I Can Do To Get In His Way, Let Me Know! 

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, I will. any way we can inconvenience him can only be a good thing. 

**Jonathan Sims:** oh, but if it does go ahead? will I be able to get a couple of comp tickets for Rosie at the front desk and Sonja in artefact storage? they're helping us out with El*as

**[unknown]:** Of Course! Any Enemy Of His Is A Friend Of Mine :o)

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you, it’s appreciated

**Jonathan Sims:** I’ll keep you updated.

\---

1:16 P.M.

_ “heist time heist time heist time” _

**heist daddy:** alright, I’m outside his office.

**link:** wait i thought you were at lunch? 

**heist daddy:** I was. and then I came here.

**link:** is it safe to just burst in yet?

**heist daddy:** it should be, why?

**mario:** No no no no jon wait wait wait i havent cleared it with rosie yet!!! Wait!!!

**heist daddy:** ...oh. I forgot

**heist daddy:** Oops

**king bob-omb:** Jon for chrissakes

**mario:** Im on it!!!

**_Sasha James_ ** _ renamed the chat “why did we think this was a good idea” _

**dry bones:** i really don’t know

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Uhhh im sorry to ask but i need a favour again??

**Rosie Kendall:** Honestly all the favours you guys ask end up being hilariously chaotic, so go ahead!

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh thank god, okay :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** Thought id used up all the favour budget :///

**Rosie Kendall:** Not at all! I love your shenanigans

**Martin Blackwood:** Phew :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** And ive got good repayment

**Rosie Kendall:** Well if I wasn’t sold before, I am now

**Rosie Kendall:** What’s this “good repayment”?

**Martin Blackwood:** ...I assume you know about the archives band?

**Rosie Kendall:** Yeah?

**Martin Blackwood:** We might be having a concert :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** If it goes ahead, ill make sure youve got tickets :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** And sonja too, if she wants them!!

**Rosie Kendall:** Oh I’m dead certain she will

**Rosie Kendall:** Yep, I’m in for whatever you need

**Rosie Kendall:** What can I do for you?

**Martin Blackwood:** El*as is at his monthly budget meeting right??

**Rosie Kendall:** “Budget meeting”, but sure

**Rosie Kendall:** Not that I should be speculating about his private life

**Rosie Kendall:** (But he really does need to try harder if he’s going to keep his sordid personal life secret from his receptionist-slash-personal-assistant, I know what it means when he books meetings at any particular restaurant in the greater London area) 

**Rosie Kendall:** (And today he booked at Christifaro's for a lunch so things appear to be warming up again between those two) 

**Martin Blackwood:** Omgggg

**Rosie Kendall:** Anyway, yeah, that's where he is, and he'll probably be out for a little while yet

**Martin Blackwood:** Fab, can you tell me when he gets back please??? I cant tell you why but its deathly important

**Rosie Kendall:** Sure, fine by me

**Rosie Kendall:** It’s a very small price to pay for those tickets :)

\---

_ "why did we think this was a good idea" _

**mario:** Okay rosies on board! Hes definitely out for lunch and shes gonna let us know when he gets back 

**mario:** Also shes pretty sure that he and plukas are getting back together which is actually literally the fucking worst :(((

**dry bones:** eww

**mario:** I knowww

**mario:** But anyway! Jon youre safe to go in!

**heist daddy:** good.

**heist daddy:** I'm unlocking the door now.

\---

1:25 P.M.

**dry bones:** find anything yet?

**heist daddy:** not yet. all I’ve found is a lot of budgeting spreadsheets.

**dry bones:** oh ew

**kinky dong:** good to kno that bitchard has a lot of kindling in his office!

**heist daddy:** don’t tempt me before I’ve found what we’re looking for.

\---

1:37 P.M.

**heist daddy:** I’ve gone through all the filing cabinets, and I haven’t found anything.

**heist daddy:** but there must be something here! some kind of paperwork, something that connects him to Magnus, or the previous heads of the institute

**heist daddy:** I Know it’s here somewhere, so

**heist daddy:** where is it???

**kinky dong:** look boss ur the one in his office

**king bob-omb:** This is why you go in with a plan

**mario:** Guysss youre not helping :///

**mario:** Jon didnt you say you’ve got the key to his desk as well???? Why not check there??

**heist daddy:** I do, but

**heist daddy:** ...

**heist daddy:** well. that feeling is reason enough in itself to check.

\---

1:39 P.M.

**heist daddy:** right. next question

**heist daddy:** why does El*as keep statements in his desk drawer?

**heist daddy:** along with a very crossed-out and rewritten something

**heist daddy:** it’s a proposal speech?

**dry bones:** ew

**dry bones:** fucking awful

**heist daddy:** I feel Corruption-level dirty just having touched it, ugh

**kinky dong:** burn it burn it burn it along w the budgets

**kinky dong:** make martos arsonist heart proud!

**heist daddy:** I’m so tempted

**heist daddy:** but more to the point

**heist daddy:** there’s a statement here as well, and it looks equally crossed-out and rewritten?

\---

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** He’s just walked back in

**Rosie Kendall:** And he didn’t have to wait for the lift

**Rosie Kendall:** I reckon you’ve got about two minutes, he was walking pretty fast

**Martin Blackwood:** Fuck fuck fuck

**Martin Blackwood:** Thank you rosie!!! Youre a lifesaver honestly

**Rosie Kendall:** You’re absolutely welcome, but Sonja and I need those concert tickets!

**Martin Blackwood:** Absolutely!! Thank you again :)))))

\---

_ “why did we think this was a good idea” _

**heist daddy:** it looks like it could be interesting, actually?

**mario:** Shit jon im sorry i know how you geta bout statemnets but i dont care right now

**mario:** Rosie jst messaged and hes on his wayback you need to go! !!!

**heist daddy:** I could just read this quickly, it doesn’t look that long

**heist daddy:** and more importantly, it looks interesting. I mean, very interesting.

**heist daddy:** compelling.

**mario:** Jon!!!!!

**king bob-omb:** Jon! Martin’s right, you need to get out of there!

**heist daddy:** it’s something about someone called Hazel Rutter, and a fire in her childhood home.

**heist daddy:** give me a minute, I’ll be right with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have promised multiple times that there will be no apocalypse in this fic, and I absolutely Will Not renege on that, so don't worry! But what happens next...? I'm so excited to write the endgame for this! There's still quite a bit to go through, but the next couple of chapters are going to be a wild ride :D I've got multiple pages of manic scribblings in my plotting notebook, which should bode well... >:)  
> On a related note! Please please please help your author out and drop your favourite Flesh and/or Corruption avatars in the comments, OR, someone who you think could be a Flesh or Corruption avatar (in the same way as my Buried!Hozier thing)! This is very very important for Reasons :)  
> Also, tiny Martin is finally done! Check him out [here](https://clarionglass.tumblr.com/post/638571307779407872/as-ive-been-threatening-for-literally-months-now) :D  
> Lastly, hope you all had a v nice holiday season, and all the best for 2021!


	30. avatars but like,,,, the cool ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Melanie King:** and i thought u were the biggest theatre kid working at the institute holy fuck  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** I’m really not sure whether to feel flattered or insulted  
>  **Melanie King:** :-)  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** but yes, it’s incredibly overdramatic.  
>  **Jonathan Sims:** count yourself lucky that you didn’t have to read the other eight pages of him gloating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter definitely got away from me... There are some heavy conversations towards the beginning, but I assure you in advance that everything turns out okay :)  
> Obviously massive spoilers for MAG 160!  
> Also, there's glitch text this chapter! Check the end notes for a transcript :)

Tuesday, 1:42 P.M.

_“why did we think this was a good idea”_

**mario:** Jesus fuckign christ el*asm ust be thereby now????? Im so stressed 

**mario:** Jon youd better be out of there or i swear to god ill be so mad at yuo

 **mario:** Putting bloody statement sbefore your own safety! !!!

 **heist daddy:** ...I’m fine.

 **mario:** Jon!!!!!!!

 **heist daddy:** apart from having fallen for twenty minutes. 

**mario:** ??????

 **heist daddy:** Michael

 **heist daddy:** or Helen

 **heist daddy:** one of them opened a door right underneath me. I fell through it, of course, and now I’m in my flat.

 **heist daddy:** I don’t think any time passed out here, but it certainly felt like I was falling for that long.

 **kinky dong:** o thatd be fuckhands mcmike

 **kinky dong:** he said he had a staff pass aye

 **link:** and thank fuck he did

 **link:** jon, what happened?

 **heist daddy:** ...well, when I said the statement was compelling, I meant it

 **heist daddy:** ...I couldn’t not read it.

 **king bob-omb:** Well, that’s bad.

 **heist daddy:** indeed.

 **heist daddy:** whether it’s something that El*as had done to that statement in particular, or if it’s a side-effect of the Eye having claimed me as an avatar, I don’t know, and I don’t particularly want to think about it

 **heist daddy:** but at least I was able to finish it in the Spiral’s corridors, where the Eye’s power is less.

 **heist daddy:** and before El*as came in, which is another good thing

 **heist daddy:** still, Michael didn’t need to keep me falling through the corridors for a further ten minutes. I can’t blame him as much as I’d like to for trying to eat my fear during the rescue attempt, considering I’d just tried to read a statement for the same reason

 **heist daddy:** but even so, it did knock some of the sheen off me being rescued

 **mario:** But youre safe now, which is the important thing!!!

 **heist daddy:** yes. quite

 **heist daddy:** and it really wasn’t too bad a price to pay.

 **link:** so what was the statement???

 **heist daddy:** well

 **heist daddy:** the unfortunate thing is, it was mostly El*as gloating, disguised as a fake statement.

 **heist daddy:** it was more disgusting than the proposal, to tell you the truth.

 **heist daddy:** the smarmy bastard going on about being Jonah Magnus, and having some secret plan to end the world by way of getting me “marked” by all the entities

 **heist daddy:** apparently he tried to end the world before, 200 years ago, and it failed because he only tried to bring the Eye through

 **heist daddy:** the fears are all linked, apparently.

 **king bob-omb:** Well, clearly the world hasn’t ended, so it failed this time, too?

 **heist daddy:** it did.

 **heist daddy:** I haven’t been marked by all the entities (thank christ), what I assume was the important part of the ritual (some kind of “spooky” litany of fears) was crossed out again and again and again, so clearly he hasn’t got the wording quite right, and I was somewhere where the Eye’s influence didn’t have that much sway

 **king bob-omb:** And thank fuck for that

 **heist daddy:** my thoughts exactly.

 **dry bones:** that’s it

 **dry bones:** that’s fucking it

 **dry bones:** if u’re in ur flat and i can pick locks there is literally 0 stopping me from stealing all the knives back from ur desk drawer and stabbing the bastard a million times over

 **dry bones:** idfc if it kills me in the process, the giant flaming arse isn’t gonna end the world

 **dry bones:** especially not through u, i’m the only one who gets to give u shit

 **dry bones:** and even then i just insult ur twiggy little arms, not actually make u complicit in ending the world

 **dry bones:** fuck

 **daisy:** i’m in. same reasons. and i want to see the look on his face when he finally fucking bites it.

 **link:** and if he was baiting us, he must be confident that you’ll survive regardless, jon

 **link:** count me in

 **mario:** Im in too

 **mario:** I cant let him do this

 **mario:** I cant let him end the world, and i dont mind not coming out the other side if i know youre going to be okay

 **king bob-omb:** It’s the only reasonable thing to do

 **kinky dong:** yea

 **kinky dong:** what they all said

 **kinky dong:** and dannyd be pissed at me if i didnt

 **kinky dong:** plus im really fuckin mad at bitchard and i want to give him what he deserves

 **link:** so we’re agreed, then

 **link:** just remember us, okay, jon? that’s all

 **heist daddy:** no

 **heist daddy:** jesus fucking christ

 **heist daddy:** no!

 **heist daddy:** do not do that!

 **heist daddy:** there is absolutely no need for that! I will not have you sacrifice yourselves!

 **heist daddy:** if anything, I’m the conduit, I should be the one to sacrifice myself, not all of you!

 **heist daddy:** but in any case, it’s irrelevant, because I’ve had an idea

 **heist daddy:** one that doesn’t involve anybody dying! not you, not me, not the world, nobody!

 **heist daddy:** and it might even be fun

 **heist daddy:** jesus fuck I’m never leaving the archives again if this is what you’re like if I’m not around

 **heist daddy:** but I have a plan.

 **king bob-omb:** What sort of plan? 

**heist daddy:** one that doesn’t involve anyone dying!

 **dry bones:** oh okay thank fuck

 **dry bones:** i’d still like to stab the fucker, but go on

 **daisy:** christ, i’m with you thre

 **heist daddy:** you’re not going to do it?

 **link:** we’re not, if you have an actual alternative

 **link:** fuck, jon, none of us actually want to die, but we thought it was the only thing to do

 **heist daddy:** I do have a plan. I promise you all, I do.

 **heist daddy:** please never do that again

 **heist daddy:** I care about you all far too much

 **mario:** Well youre not sacrificing yourself either!! We care about you as well!!!

 **mario:** *I* care about you!!!

 **dry bones:** ^^^ fuck jon ur the biggest spooky idiot in the entire world and of course we care about u

 **link:** and speaking for all of us, we won’t do that again, not unless it’s absolutely necessary

 **heist daddy:** which it isn’t.

 **link:** good

 **link:** it’s a genuine fucking relief

 **kinky dong:** k but not to derail things

 **kinky dong:** (jk its absolutely to derail things bc this convo went smwhere heavy and fuck we need to get outta that)

 **kinky dong:** u mentioned fun, boss?

 **heist daddy:** I did

 **heist daddy:** I need to track down a representative of all the entities

 **heist daddy:** (non-murdery ones)

 **mario:** Good

 **heist daddy:** anyway. keep an eye on the band chat.

 **heist daddy:** because the concert is back on, and it’s going to fuck El*as up in a way we’ve never seen before.

 **heist daddy:** just give me a couple of minutes to sort some things out.

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** don’t you dare scare me like that ever again

 **Martin Blackwood:** Dont you dare scare *me* like that ever again!!!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Jesus christ jon 

**Martin Blackwood:** When you said you were going to read that statement instead of leaving, my heart was in my fucking throat, jon, i was nearly physically sick

 **Martin Blackwood:** And now, knowing what it was meant to be????

 **Martin Blackwood:** And when you said youd sacrifice yourself too????

 **Martin Blackwood:** Shit, jon

 **Jonathan Sims:** well how do you think I felt, watching you all make a suicide pact!

 **Martin Blackwood:** ...

 **Jonathan Sims:** the statement thing can’t be good, I know that, so I’ll work on that

 **Martin Blackwood:** No, it was probably the bastards fault

 **Jonathan Sims:** even so, it was my decision to start reading it. 

**Jonathan Sims:** and I know you were only being noble

 **Jonathan Sims:** all of you

 **Jonathan Sims:** you know I’d do the same

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I’ve never felt so scared in my life, watching that

 **Martin Blackwood:** I didnt want to

 **Martin Blackwood:** But like sasha said, i thought it was the only option, and id do it if i had to

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im very glad i dont have to

 **Jonathan Sims:** me too.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I can’t lose you.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Me neither

 **Jonathan Sims:** I love you, Martin

 **Jonathan Sims:** my stubborn, self-sacrificing, stupidly noble, beautiful, brilliant boyfriend

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh it takes one to know one

 **Martin Blackwood:** Christ jon i love you too

 **Martin Blackwood:** So so much

 **Jonathan Sims:** me too xx

 **Martin Blackwood:** Xxx

 **Martin Blackwood:** Now get on it!! Youve got a concert to organise!!!

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, sir

\---

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_[unknown]_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** concert is on

 **Jonathan Sims:** it’s all on.

 **Jonathan Sims:** collect every avatar you know who doesn’t want to kill everyone on sight, preferably linked to the entities who aren’t in the band yet

 **Jonathan Sims:** because El*as motherfucking Bouchard is going down.

 **[unknown]:** !!!!!!!

 **[unknown]:** Archivist, I Love This Side Of You!

 **[unknown]:** What Happened?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll tell everyone as a group.

 **Jonathan Sims:** add them to the band chat. 

**[unknown]:** On It!

 **[unknown]:** Oooh I Can’t Wait! :oD

\---

_"fuck Elias: the band"_

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _added_ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _to the group_

 **Jonathan Sims:** Daisy, you need to be back for this one

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _changed her nickname to_ **_daisy_ **

**daisy:** ominous

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh, and I should add Gerry, now he’s got his own phone.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _added_ **_Gerard Keay_ ** _to the group_

 **Gerard Keay:** cheers, i think?

 **_[unknown]_ ** _added_ **_Annabelle Cane_ ** _,_ **_Jared Hopworth_ ** _,_ **_Julia Montauk_ ** _and_ **_Manuela Dominguez_ ** _to the group_

 **Timothy Stoker:** oo this is intriguing?

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “avatars but like,,,, the cool ones”_

 **Agnes Montague:** thanks, I think?

 **Manuela Dominguez:** what is this?

 **Manuela Dominguez:** ...you just changed the name, but it’s a band thing?

 **Manuela Dominguez:** no, thank you.

n̵̡̞̓͌o̸͚͖̓͝,̸̘́͠ ̷̲̙͐̄s̴̯̣̊͆t̸̫̍a̴̲̭͘y̵̖̑!̵̰̃͒

ĭ̶̝ͅt̷̟̼͝'̴̱̮͊̄l̶̛̈́͜l̶̥͒͑ ̵̹͚̒̍b̴̻̓̿è̸̖ ̷̡̈́f̷̖̫ụ̸͔̂̚n̴̻̙̂̎,̴̼̖̓̋ ̴̙͎͒ì̵̙ ̴̧̼̌͝p̴̰̀̓r̷͎̉ȯ̴̡m̴̘̳̽i̸̳͆s̴̼͝e̸̟̐͜͝

 **Manuela Dominguez:** your version of fun and mine are quite different, Helen

 **Manuela Dominguez:** but I suppose I can stick around

 **[unknown]:** Thank You, Manuela! You Won’t Regret It!

 **[unknown]:** Now, Jon, My Friends Andrew and Claire (And Her Dog Agape) Keep Their Social Media Distinct From Avatar Stuff

 **[unknown]:** But They’ve Promised That They’ll Be In The Band :oD

 **Timothy Stoker:** holy fuckin shit guys 

**Timothy Stoker:** that means???? were gonna???? 

**Timothy Stoker:** holy shit

 **Jonathan Sims:** that’s good, thank you for asking them

 **Jonathan Sims:** wait

 **Jonathan Sims:** you’ve added 

**Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Jonathan Sims:** no no no.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll have everyone else gladly, but not her.

 **Annabelle Cane:** I assume you mean me, Archivist?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I do

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not having her in this chat.

 **Annabelle Cane:** I haven’t done anything? I just got added, you’re free to kick me out, I suppose

 **[unknown]:** Archivist, You Said You Wanted All The Other Non-Murdery Avatars I Know In The Band Chat

 **[unknown]:** And We Didn’t Have A Web Avatar

 **[unknown]:** Annabelle Is Very Nice

 **[unknown]:** And I Supposed That Because This Is The Band Chat, You Also Wanted People Who Are Musical

 **[unknown]:** And Annabelle Can Sing Very Nicely, And Also Play The Harp

 **Jonathan Sims:** that may be so

 **Jonathan Sims:** I suppose I've just realised that "every entity" does, unfortunately, include the Web

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I’m really not fond of it.

 **Annabelle Cane:** Well, the Web is very fond of you, Jon :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** that only makes things worse, Annabelle.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, are you sure you can't get anyone else? 

**[unknown]:** It's Her Or Nothing, Archivist

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, shit

 **Jonathan Sims:** maybe if I change your nickname, that'll help

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _changed_ **_Annabelle Cane_ ** _'s nickname to_ **_vriska (vriska)_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** that'll at least make me laugh

 **Timothy Stoker:** omfg boss noooo way

 **Melanie King:** u were a homestuck??? fuuuuck

 **vriska (vriska):** Congratulations 

**vriska (vriska):** You just played yourself

 **Jonathan Sims:** and this is why nobody likes the Web, Annabelle

 **vriska (vriska):** :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** don't knock it if it means I can actually interact with you without wanting to cleanse this entire chat with fire

 **Jonathan Sims:** anyway.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ve gathered all you avatars here (or rather, Nikola has) to ask you a question

 **Jonathan Sims:** none of you actually want to end the world, do you?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I mean, those of you who are already in the band, I’ve watched your interactions

 **Jonathan Sims:** and sure, you feed on fear, but

 **Jonathan Sims:** Agnes, you’re enjoying living a normal life

 **Jonathan Sims:** Mike, you’re happy to go skydiving and on road trips and mostly just keep yourself to yourself

 **Jonathan Sims:** Oliver, you’re one of the most chill people I’ve ever met, I know the apocalypse isn’t your thing

 **Jonathan Sims:** Helen, Michael, I still have almost no idea what your entire deal is, but you enjoy existing in the current world, that much is obvious from Helen’s over the top glee about Martin and my relationship.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, the same goes for you, I know you like the world

 **Jonathan Sims:** besides, you wouldn’t have been so insistent I start the band if you had plans to destroy everything

 **Jonathan Sims:** you even warned me about El*as, when you kidnapped me.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and entity-touched archives staff, I already know how much you don’t want the world to end. Gerry, too.

 **Jonathan Sims:** so.

 **Jonathan Sims:** please tell me I’m right, I’m making a major assumption here and I’m slightly relying on you all to not want to end the world

 **mike:** can i just say how much i hate being ~known~ by the eye

 **mike:** but yeah youre on the money

 **[unknown]:** I Also Don’t Like Being Known, But Yes, I’m Having Too Much Fun Here To Want To End Everything! Now Or Ever, Actually :o)

 **[unknown]:** Also, Andrew And Claire Have Other Actual Careers That Aren’t Just Being Avatars, And They Like Doing Those

y̸̳̻̅ẻ̵̖̞s̴͕͎͊͐,̴̙̲̉ ̵̢̒ẇ̴̟e̴̼̓'̸̝͐̊ȑ̸̫͊ͅe̴̡̛͇͗ ̴͕̾͠h̷̬̺̉ạ̷͓̾v̴̦͛i̷͕̍̌n̶̦̮̋g̷͇̑̏ ̸̲͘͜a̵̗̱̐ ̵͚̈g̴̼͊ȯ̵͒͜o̸̪̣͒͠d̸̯̃ ̷͓͗t̷̛̙ͅi̴̻̭͝͝m̶̧̰̊͠ẹ̷͎̇!̷̤͂

a̴̮̤̐̃n̴̢̗͂̌d̸̙̊ ̸̘͌͂ŷ̴̼o̴͎̫̊̓u̷̼̪̒̕'̶͍͌͆r̴̤͆e̶̟͂̕ ̷̯͎̍r̵̨̥̽̉ĭ̶̦̈́g̴̗͝͝h̴͚̥̍t̸͔̱̆͛

i̵̬͙̅̇ ̶̼̇̎(̴̦̕͜h̸̙̱̀ȩ̴̔ḽ̷̛̾e̷̡̐́n̷̬̉͑)̸̍͜ ̶͔̾p̷̺͛ů̶̪̖t̸̲̉́ ̶͖̤͊ț̶͊͝õ̴̜͖͑ö̸͇̏ ̴̱͆͝m̴͍̹̋̅u̵̡̠͆̆c̸͖͕̄̽h̴͈̳̓ ̸̯͎͒̊w̷̢̫̄ȍ̸̧̗r̴̖͔̋k̷͚̚͘ ̷̡͙̽ǐ̴̧n̴̰̈́̃t̸̢͐̎o̸̻̳͂ ̶̜̈́g̸͎̀̚e̴͔͌t̵̻̼̒t̸̪͊͑ì̵̬̠ñ̸͙͈́g̷̯̓ ̴̨̢͐͘ỳ̷͇̺ȯ̸̪̉ȕ̴̖ ̴̧̋ṱ̸̠̆ẁ̵̫ǫ̷̜͒̋ ̶͓͒̒ţ̷͂̀o̴̗̝̓̎g̸̔ͅë̵̥́t̷̛̫̪̊ȟ̷͕̝e̶̳̭͊̓ȓ̵͇̩ ̸̥͍̓t̵͕̗̄́ō̷̫̒ ̶̲̉̓ț̶͈͘ḫ̵́̎ͅr̷̡̯̐̚ö̸̝̻́w̵̨̛̏ ̴̢̏̒ĩ̵̮ṫ̵̤̺̑ ̵̖̣͐͛a̷̲̽̋l̶̢̹̄l̷͓͐̈͜ ̸̘̉͠a̵̧̩̍̈́w̴͔͐͒͜a̸̼̩͑y̷̯̓̍

p̴̰̈l̷̯̾u̷̝̥͠s̴͙̕ ̸͓̟̅i̸̥̋͠'̵̣̬̋m̵̳̮͂̈́ ̸͉͈͂̄s̷̘͉͝t̸̟̹͗i̶̬̣̓l̸̡̦̑͆l̸̟̥̓́ ̸͖̈́h̷͓̭o̷̒̏͜l̸̟̫̈̈d̶̮i̶̭͌̂n̸͎͖̒́g̷̫͖̋ ̵̲̊o̴̮̿ụ̵̡̍̚t̵̡̓͜ ̶̛̻͍h̷̞̎ő̶̝̆p̵̼̍e̷̤̬̓͝ ̴̻͎̈́f̵̺͛o̷̧͕͝r̸͔̄͊ ̷̡̈̈́s̴̙̉͝ä̶̲́s̶̙̀͗h̷͓͖̿ǡ̵͇ͅ.̵̱̩͘̚.̸̲͊̇.̸̭͝?̸͎͔̐̑

 **Sasha James:** oh babe you know i think you’re great

 **Sasha James:** but i’m not ready to get myself entangled with an actual representation of fear

a̷͚͌h̶̜͘ ̸̤͒̇ŵ̸̦̊͜e̶̗̅l̷̠͐̅l̸̳̬̈́

s̶̨̳̈̑t̵͍͚̾̌ỉ̷̖l̶͚̈́̿l̷̝͊,̸̖̈ ̶̩͍́t̴̥̚h̷͕͐͝e̵͠ͅṙ̴̮̕ė̴͇'̷̩̯̅s̶̰͕̑ ̸̧͈̕̕e̶̲̬̋v̶̡͋̋e̴͍̓͘n̸̞̩͑ ̸̹̍͊l̴̼̀ḛ̶̱̆s̸̛̖͙š̸͉ ̸̠͝c̵͕̺̈́̅h̸͎̒͠ǎ̴̧̊n̴͕̍̍ͅc̷͖͈͗͆e̴͖̎͐ ̷̝̒o̵̙̩͠f̷͈͛͜͝ ̴̬̒ȋ̴̦̍ţ̸̜̑ ̸̨͋̀h̷͉͉̓a̴̧̋̉͜p̵̩̔p̴͙͗̽e̴͈͐n̸̗̎i̴̡͕̋ǹ̶͜g̶̦̈́͘ ̴̛͙i̶̞̎f̸̻̈́͐ ̴̮̫y̵̫̿̇ȯ̷̼ü̸͉̳ ̴̭̉̅d̸̲̣̕į̴͑e̸̳͐ ̶̪͂i̶͑̇ͅn̵̥̈́ ̷̞̤̋̋t̸͍̦̆ẖ̶̞̓͆e̷̩̬͑ ̶͕̏ã̷̺̐p̴̘̀̅o̷̰͠c̴͓̕a̴̯̓͑l̷̢̩̐y̵̠͈̍p̸̠̃͝s̴͕̺̈́̌ẹ̴͈̓,̶̛̳̓ ̴͕͌͌s̶͙̔̌ö̶̭͙́

 **Oliver Banks:** The way I see it, everything dies eventually, there’s no point speeding up the process

 **Oliver Banks:** And for death to have any meaning, the life preceding it needs to be lived well.

 **Julia Montauk:** that’s too fuckin deep for me

 **Julia Montauk:** it’s simple

 **Julia Montauk:** you can’t hunt shit if it’s all dead

 **Julia Montauk:** i like a healthy amount of fear, it keeps hunters and prey alert

 **Julia Montauk:** but ew, i don’t want everyone to be catatonic with it

 **daisy:** you. i like you.

 **Julia Montauk:** oh you’re hunt as well?

 **daisy:** a bit, yeah

 **daisy:** tbh i’m impressed with how well you’re dealing with getting dumped into this shitshow of a chat

 **Julia Montauk:** oh i’m fucking not

 **Basira Hussain:** Look, if you’re joining the band, which I think this chat is a run-up for, Daisy and I can take you to a good jogging trail we know

 **Basira Hussain:** It’s pretty good for running off the Hunt energy

 **daisy:** best part is, it goes past a pretty decent pub so we can get you a drink too

 **Julia Montauk:** i’m so in

 **Jonathan Sims:** can we get back on track, please? I really do need all your assurances here

 **Agnes Montague:** well, the world as is is nice

 **Agnes Montague:** plus I just discovered that if I order an iced coffee and sit with my hands around it for precisely a minute and a half, it’s the perfect temperature

 **Agnes Montague:** I’m not giving up on that

 **Sasha James:** oh babe

 **Sasha James:** we’re going out and i’m showing you how to drink real coffee

 **Melanie King:** yep i’m coming with

 **Agnes Montague:** :)

 **Manuela Dominguez:** first of all, this chat is hellish

 **Manuela Dominguez:** but no, I don’t want to end the world

 **Manuela Dominguez:** there’s still so much I can do

 **Jared Hopworth:** ugh

 **Jared Hopworth:** nah

 **Jared Hopworth:** don’t want to fuck up my reps

 **Jared Hopworth:** does leg day exist if time stops? idfk but i dont wanna test it

 **Jared Hopworth:** n my gardens lookin good now too

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, I’m very glad to hear that, from all of you.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Annabelle? you’ve been unusually quiet

 **vriska (vriska):** Just wanted to let everyone else have their say :)

 **vriska (vriska):** Thought you'd get suspicious if I jumped in early ;)

 **vriska (vriska):** For my part, I can’t have fun fucking with people if they’re all dead and/or living in an apocalyptic hell

 **vriska (vriska):** Plus I do kinda just like the world, so sue me

 **vriska (vriska):** Even the worst of us, who just live on fear and don’t have any other hobbies, know it’s a really bad idea to end the world

 **vriska (vriska):** You’d probably get a really good food source at the beginning, but then things would get weird

 **Sasha James:** like a sugar high and crash, which also makes you feel sick?

 **vriska (vriska):** Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much it

 **vriska (vriska):** So yeah, none of us want to end the world, Archivist. Why do you ask?

 **Jonathan Sims:** because El*as (who’s secretly Jonah Magnus) does

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I’d like all of your help to stop him.

 **Jonathan Sims:** which means we’re having the concert.

 **Jonathan Sims:** (surprise, new avatars, you’re all in a band now!)

 **Jonathan Sims:** and it’s going to be big.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I mean, not just a concert, but an audiovisual extravaganza to rival whatever it was that Tim and Melanie did to distract El*as

 **Jonathan Sims:** the Fuck Off Jonah Magnus Arena Spectacular, if you will.

 **Timothy Stoker:** can we call it that? boss omg can we actually call it that?

 **Timothy Stoker:** yea iv decided were calling it that

 **Timothy Stoker:** tfojmas for short

 **Timothy Stoker:** merry fuckin tfojmas everyone!!!

 **[unknown]:** Yes I Like That Name Too!

 **Sasha James:** okay, but why are you getting all the entities involved? bc el*as was planning to bring all the entities through in his ritual?

 **Basira Hussain:** That’s probably it

 **Basira Hussain:** But wouldn’t it play into his hands, then?

 **Jonathan Sims:** I don’t think so

 **Jonathan Sims:** look.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: a picture of a very crossed-out and unfinished spooky ritual list, in Elias’s handwriting]

 **Melanie King:** and i thought u were the biggest theatre kid working at the institute holy fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m really not sure whether to feel flattered or insulted

 **Melanie King:** :-)

 **Jonathan Sims:** but yes, it’s incredibly overdramatic.

 **Jonathan Sims:** count yourself lucky that you didn’t have to read the other eight pages of him gloating.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but the point is, he wants to bring all of them through, via the Eye (well, me), putting them all under the Eye’s control, in a way

 **Jonathan Sims:** so I think that if each entity acts individually but together, it will carry more weight than whatever the ceaseless wanker wants to do.

 **Jonathan Sims:** if he wants to “open the door”, which is possibly the most pretentious way he could have put it, we’re going to keep it shut. lock it, even.

 **Jonathan Sims:** so he and anyone like him won’t be able to do this kind of thing 

**Jonathan Sims:** ever.

 **Martin Blackwood:** God jon yes im so proud of you <3333

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im absolutely in!!!!

 **Sasha James:** ^^goes for all of us in the archives

 **Gerard Keay:** count me the fuck in as well

 **Gerard Keay:** got the aesthetic, got the burning hatred for el*as

 **vriska (vriska):** And it goes for all of us avatars, too

 **vriska (vriska):** Not ending the world is good, spoking El*as’s wheel is better, and making an excessively big deal of it is even better still

 **[unknown]:** I’m So Excited, It’s Going To Be Such A Good Show!

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh, Nikola, speaking of which

 **Jonathan Sims:** if the wax museum is abandoned, we’re free to use it at any time?

 **[unknown]:** Absolutely!

 **Jonathan Sims:** good.

 **Jonathan Sims:** we can rehearse in there whenever is convenient, and we’re not locked into “the Saturday after next” or anything as a performance date.

 **Jonathan Sims:** although I would like to decide on a performance date as soon as possible, we need to put it on the posters.

 **Timothy Stoker:** posters?????

 **Jonathan Sims:** oh, we’re advertising this

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’re making this as big as it can possibly get.

 **Timothy Stoker:** holy fuck boss yes yes yes

 **Jonathan Sims:** which reminds me, for those of you who are new, can you fill in this survey? name, if you play an instrument, where you live (to see if the Distortion needs to pick you up for rehearsals), etc

 **Jonathan Sims:** https://forms.gle/SfgLti4zsErdhWt6

 **Jonathan Sims:** rehearsals are in the archives at 8pm on Thursdays. like I said, if you can’t get there easily yourself, make a note of it in the form.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and re concert dates, let me know when would work for you here:

 **Jonathan Sims:** https://doodle.com/poll/wa5tdi9csgoqi1j

 **Jonathan Sims:** lastly, character bios

 **Jonathan Sims:** new avatars, we have a thing where we create alter egos for ourselves. band personas, if you will

 **Melanie King:** like in the mechs

 **Melanie King:** (jon’s college band, find em on youtube ;-) )

 **Jonathan Sims:** Melanie, I was hoping not to lead a whole lot of avatars to those recordings.

 **Melanie King:** too late :-)

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...anyway.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know some of you probably think this part is unnecessary, and overdramatic.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but it does free you up, I promise

 **Jonathan Sims:** it gets you out of your own head and lets you actually enjoy performing in the band, if you’re not worried about being your normal self, and can just inhabit an over-the-top character

 **Jonathan Sims:** take it from me, it really does help.

 **Jonathan Sims:** a couple of the avatars already in the band are just using their own lives and experiences to guide this, so you can take that option if you’d like, but feel free to get creative as well

 **Jonathan Sims:** ask the archives staff if you need any ideas, they’ve already proved to be... remarkably inventive when it comes to character creation.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but if all of you could send me your character bios when you’re done, I’ll make them into part of the program

 **Jonathan Sims:** (if we’re making programs, which we are, they need to be as big as possible)

 **Jonathan Sims:** (because I’m absolutely printing them off using the institute’s printer budget. spare no expense, everyone.)

 **Timothy Stoker:** boss ilysm

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Tim.

 **Jonathan Sims:** with so many new people, I’ll have to rework some of the songs we were originally planning, if that’s alright, Nikola?

 **Jonathan Sims:** as well as put together our anti-ritual grand finale

 **[unknown]:** Sounds Good To Me!

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I think I’ve got a better idea for an overarching storyline, now, which is good.

 **[unknown]:** I Can’t Wait! Oh, I’m Looking Forward To Seeing All This Play Out :oD

 **Jonathan Sims:** now, I think that’s everything for the moment? if anyone has any questions, please let me know

 **Jonathan Sims:** otherwise, fill out the forms as soon as is convenient, and I’ll see you all on Thursday.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I look forward to putting the Fuck Off Jonah Magnus Arena Spectacular together with you all.

\---

_“why did we think this was a good idea”_

**_Melanie King_ ** _renamed the group “bc we got to see all of that happen”_

 **dry bones:** there’s ur answer, sash

 **link:** yeah

 **link:** jon holy shit you’re an organisational powerhouse????

 **link:** wouldn’t have picked it from your time as a boss here, but when it comes to a band? hot shit

 **heist daddy:** I’ve had experience with it in the Mechs

 **heist daddy:** if someone doesn’t take charge of the band quickly and loudly, things don’t get done, so. I stepped in.

 **link:** it was goddamn impressive

 **mario:** It was super hot, is what it was

 **mario:** Bloody hell, it was a delight to watch <333

 **kinky dong:** yea actually this is more appropriate now isnt it

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_band daddy_ **

**link:** oh babe you have literally no idea what the word appropriate means

 **band daddy:** ...thank you, Tim.

 **band daddy:** but honestly, thank you all for the sentiment

 **band daddy:** oh, and speaking of being your boss, I’ve decided I’m not coming back in today

 **link:** fair and valid

 **kinky dong:** yea boss if u cant pull a sickie now idk when u can

 **king bob-omb:** I’ll keep the others from doing anything drastic

 **band daddy:** cheers, Basira

 **band daddy:** I’m not expecting you all to do much work, but if you do, that would be a very pleasant surprise.

 **daisy:** yeah no promises there, sims

 **daisy:** but we’re all agreed we’re going for drinks tonight, though?

 **daisy:** i think we all need one

 **kinky dong:** absofuckinlutely dais

 **kinky dong:** ur a gal after my own heart

 **kinky dong:** usual place usual order but times about a million

 **dry bones:** sounds good

 **dry bones:** can i invite georgie? she’ll want to hear about all this 

**band daddy:** you mean you want to see her chew me out over reading that statement instead of getting out of El*as’s office?

 **dry bones:** i mean yeah

 **dry bones:** but she’s gonna want to hear about u and the band too

 **band daddy:** I’m sure she will

 **band daddy:** you know she’s always welcome at drinks

 **dry bones:** :-)

 **dry bones:** also she can’t miss u chucking a sickie for the first time ever >:-)

 **kinky dong:** well probably all need a sickie tomoro if u kno what i mean ayeee

 **kinky dong:** except basira but ull join us out of solidarity wont u?

 **king bob-omb:** Sure

 **king bob-omb:** Probably a very good thing if we all take a day off

 **band daddy:** alright

 **band daddy:** as your boss, I’ll sign off on that.

 **kinky dong:** ayeeeeeee bossman ur the real mvp

 **dry bones:** wait so if none of us are coming in tomorrow,,,,,,

 **kinky dong:** oho?

 **kinky dong:** ohohoho??

 **kinky dong:** melanie babe what r u planning?

 **dry bones:** welllll my cousin freddie co-owns a water park in dorset

 **dry bones:** it’s called something like “the miss pledge memorial water park” or something, but everyone still calls it slyde world

 **dry bones:** it’s near monkey world

 **dry bones:** freddie’s like 20 and he used to just have a summer job there? i’ve got no idea how it all happened but i reckon there’s something weird behind it, he’s been the most supportive in the family of me and ghuk, ever since he was about 17

 **dry bones:** but i don’t ask him about it and he doesn’t ask me about working here, so idk for sure

 **dry bones:** he’s pure of heart and dumb of ass, i love him to bits

 **link:** omg

 **kinky dong:** wait ur not saying what i think ur saying

 **dry bones:** i think i am, timbothy

 **dry bones:** if we’re all playing truant tomorrow, let’s just have a road trip to the water park

 **dry bones:** sure it’s 2 hrs away but we could do it

 **kinky dong:** fuck yes melanie yessssssss u absolute ledge

 **mario:** I mean we could all use the break, and itll be super fun, so ofc yes!!! :))))))

 **kinky dong:** beach day beach day beach day

 **kinky dong:** were gettin hammered tonight then spending tomoro at the water park 

**daisy:** fuck it, i’m in

 **king bob-omb:** Why not

 **king bob-omb:** Me too

 **link:** yes obv i’m in as well :D

 **mario:** ...Jon? What about you?

 **mario:** Ive checked the weather forecast and it looks like itll be a nice day for it, and particularly after today i really think you need to get away from all this

 **mario:** Please say youre coming????

 **band daddy:** you don’t need to convince me, Martin

 **band daddy:** there’s no way I’m not coming.

 **mario:** Good <3333

 **band daddy:** although unfortunately I did grow up in Bournemouth, so

 **band daddy:** maybe a little bit of convincing was necessary.

 **mario:** Ahahahaha aw jon :’))))

 **kinky dong:** yesss all in all in all in !!!!

 **kinky dong:** omg we get to see the boss in swim trunks ohohohoho yes

 **band daddy:** well now I’m reconsidering.

 **kinky dong:** nope u said ur going, no backsies ;)))

 **band daddy:** I suppose not.

 **band daddy:** I must say, this is a far better group pledge than the one you were going to make earlier.

 **link:** yeah look i reckon it is

 **kinky dong:** fuckkk yea lads this is gonna be so much fun :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter within the same week as the last one? What is this, mid-June/July last year? Honestly, I had so many ideas for this chapter that I had to start writing straight away or I'd go nuts :P  
> Shoutout to the many people in the comments last chapter who picked up all the reasons for the ritual not working! Also, I'm so so grateful to everyone who shared your favourite real or potential Flesh and Corruption avatars. Thanks to niick and Sunny for your suggestions of Grimes ("Claire") and Agape the dog respectively, and I_dunno (and Sunny again) for reminding me that Jared Hopworth is also cool! I absolutely loved all the out-of-left-field ideas and OCs and canon references that you all gave me, though, and I'm sorry I couldn't include all of them without the band chat getting way too big for me to handle :P I will imagine that they all exist within this verse, but Nikola just didn't know how to contact them :)  
> And yes, I realise that in outing Jon as a homestuck, I've also outed myself :// Ah well, it was worth it for the shitty joke :P  
> If you don't get the vriska (vriska) reference, it comes from a godawful homestuck meme that I'm not going to link here. If you get it, you get it, and if you don't, you're very lucky :D  
> Lastly, yes, the Twilight Abyss game is absolutely canon here ;)
> 
> Glitch text transcript:  
> no, stay! it'll be fun, i promise  
> yes, we're having a good time! and you're right, i (helen) put too much work into getting you two together to throw it all away, plus i'm still holding out hope for sasha...?  
> ah well. still, there's even less chance of it happening if you die in the apocalypse, so


	31. beach day beach day beach day!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **dry bones:** freddie says we can get in for free  
>  **band daddy:** oh, don’t bother, I’ll just put it on the corporate card, and to hell with El*as Knowing.  
>  **band daddy:** speaking of which, I just called Rosie in the nick of time  
>  **band daddy:** we’re cleared for “sick days” tomorrow.  
>  **kinky dong:** wahoooooooo :D  
>  **daisy:** sims  
>  **daisy:** after the events of today  
>  **daisy:** i have never had more respect for you in my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, to my writing buddy: Jonny I shit all over your horror and tragedy  
> This lil interlude is one gigantic spoiler for the Twilight Abyss hiatus content, so go check that out if you haven't already!

Tuesday, 3:12 P.M.

**_Melanie King_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** so we’re all going for drinks tonight at the usual

**Melanie King:** we need it after today

**Melanie King:** things were uh

**Melanie King:** very interesting

**Georgie Barker:** well, that’s a word that always raises red flags :/

**Melanie King:** yeahhh can i just call u about it? 

**Melanie King:** we’re all fine, and things are looking pretty epic actually

**Melanie King:** but u’re gonna want to scream at us all i’m pretty sure

**Georgie Barker:** oh?

**Melanie King:** mostly at jon

**Georgie Barker:** ohhhhh so that’s why you want me to come to drinks, huh? :P

**Melanie King:** no no no i want u to come bc u’re my beautiful gf who fits in so well with the spooky and deserves to have a good time

**Georgie Barker:** and…? ;)

**Melanie King:** ...okay yeah i want to see u rip jon a new one for being a stubborn turd who has no self preservation instinct

**Melanie King:** i’m also a tiny bit afraid that u’re gonna do the exact same thing to me and the others tho :-/

**Georgie Barker:** okay you have to tell me everything????

**Melanie King:** yeah i’ll call u

_ Call: 1 hr 09 min _

**Georgie Barker:** well i think that got my point across

**Georgie Barker:** :)

**Melanie King:** yes ma’am i won’t offer myself up in a suicide pact again ma’am

**Georgie Barker:** good

**Georgie Barker:** i know i said it on the call, but i love you, melanie king

**Georgie Barker:** and i’ll support you through anything you need with this hell job

**Melanie King:** thank u so much

**Melanie King:** i love u too, georgie barker

**Melanie King:** u’re my rock

**Georgie Barker:** <3

**Georgie Barker:** and you’re absolutely right, i’m going to give jon a pasting at drinks

**Melanie King:** :-D

**Georgie Barker:** the band stuff is so good tho oh my fuckin god

**Melanie King:** right???

**Georgie Barker:** i’m so gonna be there

**Georgie Barker:** i need a front row seat to this madness

**Melanie King:** we’ll make sure u’ve got it ;-)

**Georgie Barker:** fab :D

**Georgie Barker:** and you’re gonna force them all to relax tomorrow? so good

**Melanie King:** hell yeah

**Melanie King:** oh that reminds me i have to text freddie

**Georgie Barker:** good idea! see you at drinks, love :)

**Melanie King:** see u there!

\---

**_Melanie King_ ** _ to  _ **_Freddie Eberson_ **

**Melanie King:** heyyyy fredbert :-)

**Freddie Eberson:** oh wow!!!

**Freddie Eberson:** melanie!!! im so happy to hear from u!!

**Melanie King:** u too man! how’s the park?

**Freddie Eberson:** its going so well!!!

**Freddie Eberson:** im rlly busy tho but miss pledge memorial slyde world is so super great!! still i have to make sure all the pumps are clean, and that everyones havin a good and safe time, and theres been another incident with the fluttery byebyes ride 

**Melanie King:** incident?

**Freddie Eberson:** well we tried to fix everything up when we reopened the park but sometimes the kids still get sick even in the new tubes that dont tumble as much, and even tho the drain is meta

**Freddie Eberson:** uh

**Freddie Eberson:** metafizzicly? unblocked

**Freddie Eberson:** but sometimes the actual sick still clogs it and the plumbers coming in later to sort it out and i know its their job but they never do it as good as miss pledge and her mop used to

**Freddie Eberson:** so i can absolutely sort that out and talk to u but i might fade in and out a lil bit

**Freddie Eberson:** u need to come down sometime so i can talk to u properly!!! i havent seen u since last xmas!!

**Melanie King:** whoa whoa whoa freddie slow down :-P

**Melanie King:** i know how busy u are, so i’m not gonna take up much of ur time :-)

**Melanie King:** but speaking of coming down,,,

**Melanie King:** all of us in the archives are bunking off work tomorrow because we *really* need a break, and i reckoned here would be a good place to relax

**Freddie Eberson:** oh melanie that would be great!!

**Freddie Eberson:** but i do need to ask gavin abt it??? i mean im really happy to give u free entry, ur my cousin!! and im always happy to get more people to the park, u know how much i care abt this place!!

**Freddie Eberson:** and idk what u do in the archives but im sure its like 

**Freddie Eberson:** kinda spooky

**Freddie Eberson:** and rlly important!!!

**Freddie Eberson:** but as the co-owner i do have to take care of the park and making sure we get the entry fees and all of that so i rlly do think i should check with gavin abt it even tho ive been doing light admin since i started here and i actually do co-own the place i do need to get this right

**Freddie Eberson:** so ill go check with gavin

**Melanie King:** lol sounds good

**Melanie King:** “gavin” tho

**Melanie King:** how long did it take for u to get comfortable with calling him gavin?

**Melanie King:** bc i remember when u first got the... promotion, i guess? and it was “sir mr crumble sir” for a *while*

**Freddie Eberson:** i dont know what ur talking abt melanie i have 0 idea

**Melanie King:** ;-)

**Freddie Eberson:** :P

**Melanie King:** u’ll have to tell me about all of that sometime

**Melanie King:** me, not jon (my boss), no matter how much u might think he’s a good person to tell it to

**Melanie King:** i mean, he’s a great guy even though he’s a spooky twig, but there’s some bullshit going on with him and statements that he and i wouldn’t want to put u through

**Freddie Eberson:** uh sure?

**Melanie King:** yeah it’s a spooky thing

**Melanie King:** different from what happened to u? but equally Bad probably

**Freddie Eberson:** i dunno

**Freddie Eberson:** i mean maybe it would be good to talk? 

**Freddie Eberson:** but what do i say?

**Freddie Eberson:** oh my old boss mr calcifer who i used to think was the best boss ever turned out to be really evil and there was a demon in the tank for the hell fall that was crying weird black stuff and hed plugged up the main drain metafizzicly so the black stuff got everywhere and it was so cold and he didnt actually care about slyde world at all apart from it being a way to do bad things to people and then miss pledge rode mr calcifer into the metafizzic seal thingy and suddenly everything went back to normal but they were both dead so i named the baby i saved after miss pledge and gavin and i look after miss pledge jr and we run the water park and were trying to be the kind of bosses that mr calcifer wasnt and the parks not evil anymore but its still a bit weird

**Melanie King:** okay give me a sec

**Melanie King:** oh freddie

**Freddie Eberson:** but not too weird!!! its just stuff like a trickle of normal not black water sometimes running uphill, not like before!!! 

**Freddie Eberson:** were still the best water park in dorset and maybe england and maybe even the world, its the place where dreams are made!!!

**Freddie Eberson:** for real this time, not as a front for mr calcifer doing bad things!!!

**Melanie King:** okay!

**Melanie King:** well, thank u for telling me all this

**Melanie King:** u think a water park is the furthest thing u can get from the fears and the archives but here we are i guess 

**Melanie King:** it happened years ago, tho, so i reckon u’re right

**Melanie King:** we can have a good break here :-)

**Freddie Eberson:** u absolutely can, im gonna pull out all the stops for u!!

**Melanie King:** probably says a lot about us that the former site of a massively spooky *event* is a good place to relax 

**Freddie Eberson:** well maybe thats tru bc your job seems like exactly the kind of weird spooky thing that i wouldnt understand 

**Freddie Eberson:** but miss pledge memorial slyde world is the best place to for anyone to relax, melanie!!

**Melanie King:** i know, man :-P

**Freddie Eberson:** :D

**Freddie Eberson:** anyway ive checked with gavin and he says ur good to come, were doing well enough that we can get all of u in free!! :)))

**Melanie King:** oh ace!

**Melanie King:** thanks freddie :-D

**Melanie King:** i’ll let u know when we’re on our way :-)

**Freddie Eberson:** oh great!! see you then!!

\---

_ “bc we got to see all of that happen” _

**dry bones:** freddie says we can get in for free

**band daddy:** oh, don’t bother, I’ll just put it on the corporate card, and to hell with El*as Knowing.

**band daddy:** speaking of which, I just called Rosie in the nick of time

**band daddy:** we’re cleared for “sick days” tomorrow.

**kinky dong:** wahoooooooo :D

**daisy:** sims

**daisy:** after the events of today

**daisy:** i have never had more respect for you in my life

**link:** biggest same

**link:** also, i’m clearing out the udfu jar for drinks tonight! i’d say this deserves it :D

\---

6:28 P.M.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** So as promised, heres a photo "so i absolutely dont kill myself like i nearly did when you wore a leather jacket at karaoke, martin"

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you

**Jonathan Sims:** you know I need to mentally prepare myself so I don’t forget to breathe when I see you

**Martin Blackwood:** Aw <333

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: Martin wearing a pair of black swim trunks with a floral pattern, smiling half-awkwardly, half-cheekily, at the camera]

**Martin Blackwood:** I mean ill probably have a tshirt on too bc look at me

**Martin Blackwood:** I work in a basement, jon, im multiple shades whiter than the bloody paper

**Jonathan Sims:** that’s a fair comment, but even so

**Jonathan Sims:** I guarantee I would have been caught off-guard, even with it

**Martin Blackwood:** Aw love youre too cute

**Martin Blackwood:** I havent been swimming for ages, so im glad i didnt have to do a last minute shopping expedition lol

**Jonathan Sims:** you’re lucky

**Jonathan Sims:** I grew up near the beach, so of course I will not touch water if I can help it

**Jonathan Sims:** had to do an emergency M&S run

**Jonathan Sims:** and just because it’s “looking like a nice weekend” and it’s “almost school holidays” means that nearly everything was sold out

**Jonathan Sims:** this is what I'll have to suffer tomorrow

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: A pair of dark green swim trunks with a neon green stripe down each side and a white singlet with the red and black logo of a brand of beer emblazoned on the front]

**Martin Blackwood:** The trunks are nice :)))

**Martin Blackwood:** Green always suits you :))))

**Jonathan Sims:** thank you

**Jonathan Sims:** I was relatively happy with those.

**Jonathan Sims:** the shirt, on the other hand

**Martin Blackwood:** Do you not own a casual tshirt???? Love i know you have old band merch in your flat???

**Jonathan Sims:** ... 

**Jonathan Sims:** you make a very good point

**Martin Blackwood:** :’)))))

**Martin Blackwood:** For a literal avatar of knowing things youve got the worst memory of anyone i know :’))))

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s not so much that as having tunnel vision

**Jonathan Sims:** if it’s not immediately relevant it is no longer in my brain.

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahaha oh nooo

**Jonathan Sims:** although in this case, it was more a case of the ingrained “my colleagues must never find out about the Mechs” even though we crossed that bridge a very long time ago

**Jonathan Sims:** do you remember me in the early days, Martin? god forbid I ever let you all know I had a Past, perish the thought

**Martin Blackwood:** Lol jon were all so so glad youve moved out of that <333

**Jonathan Sims:** but the Mechs merch thing is still an instinct, apparently.

**Martin Blackwood:** Youve shown me, tho???

**Jonathan Sims:** you’re not a colleague? especially when you’re in my flat you’re not a colleague

**Jonathan Sims:** you’ve made the truly hideous mistake of liking me for who I am, shitty band merchandise and all, of course you get to see it xx

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon <3333

**Jonathan Sims:** xx

**Jonathan Sims:** anyway you’re right, this shirt is hideous and I will most definitely wear a Mechs shirt tomorrow instead

**Martin Blackwood:** Ooooo cant wait!!! <33

**Martin Blackwood:** See you in a bit for drinks tho first??

**Jonathan Sims:** of course.

**Jonathan Sims:** see you there xx

**Martin Blackwood:** Xxx

\---

Wednesday, 9:06 A.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Sasha James_ **

**Georgie Barker:** remind me i owe you a fiver

**Georgie Barker:** everyone said i shouldn’t bet against you but here we are

**Sasha James:** aHA ;)

**Sasha James:** is tim there already? lol i’m still on the tube

**Sasha James:** told you he can be early when the right sorta things are involved 

**Sasha James:** (water parks, fucking around, seeing jon in swimmers, etc)

**Georgie Barker:** yeah

**Georgie Barker:** i really expected him to be hungover to fuck, you know? i thought you’d have to call him at least four times to get him out of bed, let alone here

**Sasha James:** nah he’s usually decent with hangovers

**Georgie Barker:** lucky bastard

**Georgie Barker:** melanie and i have both chugged a Lot of berocca this morning

**Sasha James:** oof what a mood

**Georgie Barker:** in any case i’m still slightly too headachey to see tim in a shirt and boardies that are both hawaiian print but also different and incredibly clashing

**Sasha James:** oh that’s peak tim

**Sasha James:** so you and melanie and tim are at the station already

**Sasha James:** i’m omw

**Sasha James:** any word from anyone else?

**Georgie Barker:** tim says martin is nearly here

**Georgie Barker:** oh and i see daisy and basira coming down the platform, fab

**Sasha James:** yep i’ve just got off the tube and it actually turns out jon was like 2 carriages down from me on the same train?

**Sasha James:** (also he’s dug up some old mechs shirt and may i just say it’s a Look)

**Georgie Barker:** ohhhhh amazing

**Georgie Barker:** the mechs merch was rare but so good

**Georgie Barker:** there was one shirt i remember, that had the band logo on it

**Sasha James:** i think i can guess which one you’re thinking of ;)

**Sasha James:** and you’ll see it pretty soon

**Georgie Barker:** omg he’s not???

**Sasha James:** ;)

**Sasha James:** anyway we’ll see you in a sec :)

**Sasha James:** step 1: get everyone on the train is looking like a success :D

**Georgie Barker:** fab :D

**Georgie Barker:** oh i’ve just spotted martin!

**Sasha James:** yeah, jon and i are coming up now!

**Georgie Barker:** oh no if jon’s wearing the shirt i’m thinking of

**Georgie Barker:** ohohohoho

**Sasha James:** omg yes

**Georgie Barker:** i’ve told melanie and we’re waiting with bated breath

**Georgie Barker:** have you got eyes on martin?

**Sasha James:** yep i can see him now

**Sasha James:** contact in 3

**Sasha James:** 2

**Sasha James:** 1

**Georgie Barker:** :D

\---

9:19 A.M.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Ohhhh i see how it is mister

**Martin Blackwood:** “Send me a photo of you so i dont forget how to breathe bc of how cute you are”

**Martin Blackwood:** And then you just forget to inform me that youll be wearing a mechanisms crop top??? Mr jonathan sims sir my heart nearly stopped

**Jonathan Sims:** I thought you knew!! you’ve seen it before!

**Jonathan Sims:** it’s very comfortable and I thought that if I can’t wear it here, where can I wear it?

**Martin Blackwood:** No no no n ono youre absolutely right i Love it

**Martin Blackwood:** God its just that there’s a big difference between seeing it in your wardrobe and seeing it on my fit fit boyfriend who normally wears about 20 layers of cardigan and/or sweater vest

**Martin Blackwood:** Bloody hell jon how am i so lucky <33

**Jonathan Sims:** excuse me, have you seen yourself lately? 

**Jonathan Sims:** in this house we love and respect the also very fit Martin K Blackwood.

**Martin Blackwood:** Did you just quote a meme at me??? Jon pls

**Jonathan Sims:** ...possibly

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay thats it im putting my phone away so i can hold my boyfriends hand as we sit on the train going to a water park so we can have an actual fun break for once :))))

**Jonathan Sims:** what a remarkably good idea, Mr Blackwood.

\---

9:22 A.M.

**_Melanie King_ ** _ to  _ **_Freddie Eberson_ **

**Melanie King:** we’re on our way!

**Melanie King:** all us hungover bums are heading to slyde world, we should be there in about 2 hrs?

**Freddie Eberson:** oh great!!!

**Freddie Eberson:** *miss pledge memorial slyde world 

**Melanie King:** yep that's the one

**Melanie King:** hey, did u get ur plumbing issue sorted?

**Freddie Eberson:** yeah we did :D

**Freddie Eberson:** im not sure how, even tho i went to see what the plumber did this time 

**Freddie Eberson:** it just cleared itself up :D

**Melanie King:** good to hear

**Melanie King:** see u soon, then!

**Freddie Eberson:** :D

\---

9:58 A.M.

_ “bc we got to see all of that happen” _

**kinky dong:** wait

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “beach day beach day beach day!!” _

**kinky dong:** cmon we need to celebrate this w new nicknames

**link:** well isn’t it lucky i found an old slyde world brochure when i was doing a bit of digging yesterday

**link:** idk if they’re called the same things after the rebrand but holy shit check this out

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent an attachment _

**link:** tag yourself as your fave ride

**king bob-omb:** Wow

**king bob-omb:** These are

**king bob-omb:** “Creative” is a very nice way of putting it

**mario:** Omg ahahahaha

**mario:** Im calling dibs on

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_splashy splash time_ **

**kinky dong:** well natch i am

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_toilet bowl_ **

**dry bones:** interesting choice to pick for urself

**toilet bowl:** how cld i not?

**dry bones:** i literally cannot argue with that

**_Alice Tonner_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_shark slide_ **

**shark slide:** i mean

**shark slide:** how can i not

**link:** yeah that’s a good one

**_Sasha James_ ** _ changed her nickname to _ **_fluttery bye-byes_ **

**fluttery bye-byes:** i, on the other hand, am so confused about this one

**fluttery bye-byes:** i love it, it’s cute but also ominous?

**dry bones:** oh no sash that’s apparently the one all the little kids throw up in

**fluttery bye-byes:** ahahaha even better

**fluttery bye-byes:** fuckin bring it

**fluttery bye-byes:** i too am full of the regrets of small children

**king bob-omb:** Sasha what does that mean

**fluttery bye-byes:** shh it sounds metal as fuck and that’s all that matters

**band daddy:** well I suppose there’s no other choice for me

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ changed his nickname to  _ **_hell fall_ **

**hell fall:** that’s the “spooky” one, right?

**dry bones:** ayup

**hell fall:** I mean, I had to

**toilet bowl:** boss ur a menace :D

**king bob-omb:** Wait let me get in before all the good ones are gone

**king bob-omb:** I mean, it’s optimistic to think there are any good ones, but there are certainly some worse ones

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ changed her nickname to  _ **_Jungle Ride_ **

**Jungle Ride:** I do appreciate the ingenuity and slight illegality of cutting through Monkey World

**Jungle Ride:** It’s savvy use of space

**toilet bowl:** im so glad we rescued u from the police

**Jungle Ride:** Me too

**dry bones:** i’m holding off til we get there

**dry bones:** i need to take in the vibe

**dry bones:** u know?

**toilet bowl:** o i getchu

**toilet bowl:** but this is still absolutely me

**fluttery bye-byes:** oh timbo babe

**fluttery bye-byes:** we know

\---

11:33 A.M.

**toilet bowl:** so i guess we now kno where all the good genes in ur fam r melanie 

**toilet bowl:** ur cousin is fit fit fit

**dry bones:** noooo please g already made the joke about reevaluating her pick of members of my family

**dry bones:** jk i love him and he is objectively fit

**toilet bowl:** srsly how the fuck is he so buff????

**toilet bowl:** and hes got impeccable taste in shirts even if literally all the buttons r missing

**dry bones:** yeah that just happens? they like

**dry bones:** pop off

**toilet bowl:** amazing

**toilet bowl:** hes everything i aspire to be i s2g

**toilet bowl:** and his prosthetics r so cool????

**toilet bowl:** hes the gorgeous offspring of a ken doll and a transformer and fuck hes just so fit melanie

**shark slide:** yeah stoker’s aesthetic appreciation aside i’ve got another q

**shark slide:** the frankly adorable child in the office

**shark slide:** that he adopted

**shark slide:** and named after a promise he made to his dying coworker

**shark slide:** is literally named “miss pledge”? not, you know,,, her actual first name?

**dry bones:** yeahhhhh

**dry bones:** like i said

**dry bones:** pure of heart and dumb of ass

**dry bones:** my fav complete himbo outside the office lol

**hell fall:** no I’m sorry he’s not from the Himbeaux region of France so he’s technically a sparkling idiot

**splashy splash time:** Jon!!!! Oh my god

**dry bones:** may i just point out that my angel of a gf is the only one who’s actually listening to my beloved cousin give everyone the tour instead of chatting shit on the gc like u fuckin heathens

**fluttery bye-byes:** possibly bc she’s not in the group?

**dry bones:** hmm good point

**_Melanie King_ ** _ added  _ **_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to the group _

**dry bones:** i’m not going to create a whole new chat but feel free to leave whenever u want bc these guys just talk actual bollocks all the time

**Georgie Barker:** :’D

**Georgie Barker:** yeah no now i’m here i’m definitely gonna be chatting shit as well

**Georgie Barker:**

**toilet bowl:** wait wait wait couples nickname

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Melanie King_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_swirly whirly whirl_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ changed  _ **_Georgie Barker_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_whirly whirly swirl_ **

**swirly whirly whirl:** yeah okay this is good

**whirly whirly swirl:** :D

**toilet bowl:** k but now its water park time!!!!!

\---

11:47 A.M.

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a selfie, taken by Tim, of the whole group clustered by a pool and looking excited to be there]

\---

12:02 P.M.

**_Sasha James_ ** _ sent eight photos _

[Image ID: all eight of the group posing by their slides. Tim, in particular, looks thrilled to be next to the Miss Pledge Memorial Toilet Bowl, and Jon grins ruefully at the boarded-up Hell Fall]

\---

1:26 P.M.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: Jon has just gone down a slide, and his hair tie has fallen out on hitting the water at the bottom. He’s recovered the hair tie, but his long wet salt-and-pepper hair is covering his face as he makes a face like a cat caught in a sudden rainstorm]

\---

1:45 P.M.

**_Melanie King_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: a line of buttons in a small trickle of water that is slowly making its way uphill. Video ends.]

**swirly whirly whirl** ????

\---

1:59 P.M.

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ sent an image _

[Image ID: Melanie and Georgie are sharing a massive blue slushie with two straws, and are sticking their dyed-blue tongues out at the camera]

\---

2:39 P.M.

**toilet bowl:** oooooooooookay

**toilet bowl:** hey dais i hear the song of ur ppl?

**toilet bowl:** u might wanna come over by the massively boarded up slide

**shark slide:** what do you mean the song of my people?

**fluttery bye-byes:** uhhhhhh

**fluttery bye-byes:** so freddie’s kid is over here talking to the plywood

**fluttery bye-byes:** and there’s a disembodied voice with a pretty strong welsh accent talking back

**shark slide:** fuck i’m omw

**hell fall:** me too.

\---

3:04 P.M.

**swirly whirly whirl:** fuck i’m so glad i caught this

**_Melanie King_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: the entire archives gang are standing by the boarded-up entrance to a slide, from which a female voice with a distinctly Welsh accent emanates. Martin is holding a youngish toddler. As the voice talks, the camera pans down into the depths of a space revealed by a crack in the boards. Buttons can be seen glinting in the depths.

> Voice: No, no, you can’t hear me because I’m a ghost and I don’t want you to hear me!
> 
> Sasha: That’s... not how it works?
> 
> Melanie: It’s really not.
> 
> Jon, his voice glitching out the audio slightly:  _ Who are you? ...What are you? _
> 
> Voice: ...Miss Pledge... I didn’t quite die, I’ve become part of the water, somehow... I know all the pipes like the back of my hand now, keeping an eye on Freddie boy and Gavin...
> 
> [There is a stunned silence.]
> 
> Jon: You mean the original Miss Pledge, not the child?
> 
> Miss Pledge: Yes, that’s me, Sasha Pledge.
> 
> [Tim smirks and elbows Sasha; she shoves him playfully in return.]
> 
> Miss Pledge, growing bolder: Actually, is one of you any good with sewing? I’m still cleaning up Freddie boy’s buttons, but I haven’t been able to sew them back on his shirts like I promised. They just pop off, you see, so I’ve been squirrelling them all away here until someone can fix them properly. 
> 
> Melanie: Yeah, I know, it’s been happening since he hit puberty.
> 
> Miss Pledge: You know him?
> 
> Melanie: We’re cousins.
> 
> Miss Pledge, suddenly warmer: Oh! Well, that’s lovely! 
> 
> Melanie: Uh, yeah, I guess.
> 
> Miss Pledge: I’ve been keeping an eye on him from the pipes, but it’s so hard to see him sometimes, even though he’s such a tall boy... I’ve been blocking some of the drains to get him to come by and clear them, but usually I just get Gavin, or the plumber.
> 
> Basira, dryly: What a shame.
> 
> Miss Pledge: It is! And I don’t mind Gavin, but Freddie is a co-owner now, which is what he always wanted! He’s doing such a good job, with the park, and with Junior--
> 
> [Miss Pledge Jr. murmurs something happily]
> 
> Miss Pledge (Sr.): Exactly! Yes, but I saw Freddie boy yesterday, but I’d like to see him properly, you know? I’m just not sure if he’d be able to hear me, you’re the first ones who could, apart from Junior here. It’s like when I was alive, you know? And only the people I wanted to see me could see me. 
> 
> Daisy, quietly: ...right.
> 
> Miss Pledge: I would like to speak to him, though...
> 
> Melanie: ...uh, d’you want me to call him down?
> 
> Miss Pledge: Would you? Oh, Freddie’s cousin--
> 
> Melanie: Melanie.
> 
> Miss Pledge: --Melanie, yes, that would be lovely! Oh, thank you!

Video ends.]

**whirly whirly swirl:** ghost #2 ghost #2 that’s my ghost #2 thank you guys today has been amazing just for that :D

**hell fall:** Georgie, I really don’t think that’s the key takeaway here

**whirly whirly swirl:** i don’t care i’ve met my second ghost

**splashy splash time:** People couldn’t see her when she was alive, though???? Was she an avatar of the lonely????

**hell fall:** let me check

**hell fall:** ...no.

**hell fall:** she just believed it. everyone could still see her.

**splashy splash time:** Oh :///

**swirly whirly whirl:** okay but guys

**swirly whirly whirl:** should i get freddie?

**hell fall:** I can keep an eye on things, if you want to get him

**hell fall:** no pun intended.

**swirly whirly whirl:** ...okay

**swirly whirly whirl:** i’ll get him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes: this was just meant to be a short interlude! And then I hit 11 pages, and decided I should call it before this thing got even more out of control... But it is legit just going to be a refreshing break! No trauma here :D  
> Speaking of water parks in a TMA chatfic, may I point your attention to [all of us were there](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408423/chapters/61618189) by ghoulemporium, who took on the whole water park thing in a way that I adore with my entire heart! Among other things, that is--it's a delightful fic, and if you haven't already read it, please go forth and do so! Freddie's last name in this is a very deliberate nod to that :D  
> There's a tiny reference in this that will probably only make sense to the Australian readers... the thought of Jon in a Bintang singlet amuses me no end, so it had to go in, even if he did opt for the Martin-destroying Mechs crop top in the end ;)  
> Good luck everyone with Act 3 next week...
> 
> (An easter egg, for those who read through all the end notes: as I was just about to post, my beautiful mate messages me with, and I quote, "although I still think Elias could get it", so uh  
> This one goes out to you, babe, if you ever see this <3)


	32. ew back to work again ew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Georgie Barker:** so i know you  
>  **Georgie Barker:** and i know jon  
>  **Georgie Barker:** and i’ve been out with them all for drinks many times before  
>  **Georgie Barker:** but the feral energy of today? unexpected and amazing  
>  **Georgie Barker:** do you magnus people just summon ghosts when there are lots of you together?  
>  **Melanie King:** i mean, i can’t deny it  
>  **Georgie Barker:** knew there was a reason i kept you around <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interlude part the second!

Wednesday, 3:06 P.M.

**_Jonathan Sims_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** why did I just hear you say “I'd hold mandatory poetry recitals every week" before Melanie left?

**Georgie Barker:** ahahahahaha

**Georgie Barker:** you could always ask her?

**Jonathan Sims:** yes but you’re slightly more likely to be nicer to me about it

**Jonathan Sims:** even though you’re both awful harridans

**Georgie Barker:** love you too :)

**Jonathan Sims:** your mistake 

**Jonathan Sims:** so what was all that about?

**Georgie Barker:** well

**Georgie Barker:** god you’re gonna think this is stupid

**Georgie Barker:** it’s a game we’re playing called “if i had a cult”

**Georgie Barker:** it’s basically just taking turns to come up with the things we’d do if we ran a cult

**Georgie Barker:** it’s stupid fun 

**Jonathan Sims:** it sounds fantastic

**Jonathan Sims:** Georgina, I have been in not one, but two bands where I have posed as a murderous space pirate

**Jonathan Sims:** I am literally an avatar of an aspect of human fear.

**Jonathan Sims:** why do you think I’d think imagining yourself as a cult leader is stupid?

**Georgie Barker:** lol yeah good point

**Georgie Barker:** ooo maybe you could be the centrepiece of our cult

**Jonathan Sims:** would I have to do anything?

**Georgie Barker:** nope!

**Georgie Barker:** that’s the beauty of it

**Georgie Barker:** you just get to stand there and be avatar-y, melanie and i’ll just interpret your mystic silences however we want :)

**Jonathan Sims:** not doing anything sounded good

**Jonathan Sims:** but I’m not sure whether I should be concerned about the fact you’ve actually put a lot of thought into starting a cult.

**Georgie Barker:** :)

**Georgie Barker:** nah i reckon i'd be too uncomfortable to have an actual cult, we both reckon if we did get one it'd be by accident

**Jonathan Sims:** how would you get a cult by accident?

**Georgie Barker:** i dunno

**Georgie Barker:** maybe after the apocalypse you’re trying to stop? we could run a great cult in a post-apocalyptic hellscape

**Jonathan Sims:** christ

**Jonathan Sims:** that’s even more reason to not kick off the apocalypse.

**Georgie Barker:** then that means i’m helping save the world! i’ll claim credit for that thanks :)

**Jonathan Sims:** sure

**Georgie Barker:** anyway, i’m gonna go ask miss pledge if i can take some recordings

**Georgie Barker:** i’ll release it as bonus content for wtg! actual ghost proof :D 

\---

_ “beach day beach day beach day!!” _

**whirly whirly swirl:** i’ll send the video i took for review while we’re waiting :)

**fluttery bye-byes:** ooo nice

**whirly whirly swirl:** yeah i’ll edit it together with whatever we record when melanie gets back with freddie, if he gives permission :D

\---

3:23 P.M.

**whirly whirly swirl:** so anyway, here it is:

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: A front camera view of Georgie, who is is standing in front of the boarded-up slide.

> Georgie: I’ve been given permission to record this for What The Ghost from everyone who will feature in this video--and that doesn’t just mean the living! There’s some pretty exciting stuff coming up, so strap in, everyone! Anyway, we’re at a water park which I probably shouldn’t name for legal reasons, but right now the spooky waterslide that doesn’t get used anymore, because there’s a ghost in it and possibly a demon, too.
> 
> Miss Pledge: He’s not a demon! He’s just... well, I’m not sure what he is, but his name is Jan, and that doesn’t sound very demonic to me.
> 
> Georgie: Well, dear listeners, the voice you just heard belongs to an actual real ghost! Her name is Miss Pledge, and she haunts the water in the water park, thanks to a tragic eldritch accident a couple of years ago.
> 
> [The camera flips around to capture all of the group.]
> 
> Jon, in the background: Wait, Jan? 
> 
> Miss Pledge, her voice coming from behind the plywood boarding up the slide: Yes, Jan. I know, it’s not what I was expecting, but it’s his name.
> 
> Jon: Not Jan Kilbride?
> 
> Miss Pledge: I’m not sure, he’s not very coherent most of the time. I can only talk to him because I’m in the water, and he’s... got something to do with the water of this place too. Possibly. I’m not sure, Freddie boy and Gavin were the ones who saw him properly. He has my mop, though, which he hasn’t given back.
> 
> Jon: I mean, if it’s somehow Jan Kilbride, then that would explain why this place has been touched by the Vast.
> 
> Sasha: Oh, you mean the Daedalus guy?
> 
> Tim, calling over his shoulder from where he’s playing a handclap game with Miss Pledge Jr: Which one?
> 
> Sasha: The Vast one, Timbothy, the one who was paralysed and saw something bigger than the stars, or something. It’s been a while since I looked at that one... Hang on, though, didn’t he die? Or am I just assuming that because he gave a statement, he’s not alive anymore?
> 
> Jon: ...um.
> 
> Daisy: Well, that’s your “don’t want to tell us” face, which means you have to tell us now.
> 
> Jon: It’s not particularly... nice. It was a very Gertrude thing to do.
> 
> Sasha: Oh.
> 
> Jon: Suffice to say that she needed someone touched by the Vast to stop a Buried ritual. He didn’t have to be alive for it.
> 
> Tim: Jesus fuck.
> 
> Jon: ...quite. But the ritual was in America, so...
> 
> Miss Pledge: Oh, no, that sounds right! He thinks he was in America for a while. He says the earth put him back together? I think that’s what he said, anyway, the poor boy gets a bit glitchy when he tries to talk about it. It helped him, but at the same time, it was... anathema to his very fabric, I think were the words he used. And Gavin and I saw stars and a galaxy sort of thing when the water got on Freddie’s face, so maybe he’s this... Vast person?
> 
> Basira: That sounds about right. 
> 
> Daisy: You think we’ll have one day, one bloody day away from all this, but...
> 
> [Basira pats her shoulder, and they exchange a rueful grin.]
> 
> Georgie: Hey, don’t the Buried and the Vast like, hate each other?
> 
> Jon: They do, but I suppose crushing a Vast avatar who’s been dismembered puts them back together again? I don’t know, Georgie, I’m not an expert on this!
> 
> [Martin snorts.]
> 
> Martin: Then who is? You know the most out of all of us, right?
> 
> Jon, mock-offended: My sphere of specialisation is very limited, Martin, I’ll have you know. I know about knowing, I don’t actually know about anything else.
> 
> Martin, trying and failing to hold in laughter: Of course, love, my mistake.
> 
> [He loops his arm around Jon’s shoulders, and Jon gently bumps his head against Martin’s shoulder.]
> 
> Martin: Oi, wet hair, you gremlin! 
> 
> [Jon raises an eyebrow, then rests his head fully against Martin’s shoulder. Sasha runs her hands through her hair in commiseration.]
> 
> Sasha: Long hair doesn’t dry, huh.
> 
> Martin: At least he’s keeping my shoulders cool?
> 
> Jon, smugly: There’s a bright side to everything I do. That’s why I’m the boss.
> 
> [Sasha snorts fondly and shakes her head.]
> 
> Basira, determinedly forging ahead with an idea: So the powers can counteract each other, to an extent? That’s what it sounds like to me, anyway.
> 
> Sasha: But then some feed off each other.
> 
> Tim: Most of them feed off each other, like, a lot of them bleed together? But if you’re really scared of one you can feed the opposite one, like me madly looking into the Stranger stuff feeds the Eye, maybe. But at the same time, they do cancel out, so... yeah, basically I dunno.
> 
> Jon: Wait. Wait. 
> 
> [He lifts his head off Martin’s shoulder and looks at the others intently.]
> 
> Jon: I think I have an idea for the concert.
> 
> Miss Pledge: Ooh, a concert? Are you all in a band, then?
> 
> [Jon stiffens awkwardly.]
> 
> Jon: Um. I mean, that’s not... it’s not what we normally do? We’re academics, actually. Sort of. Some of us.
> 
> Basira, rescuing him: We all work at the Magnus Institute.
> 
> Tim: But we’re in a truly kickass band on the side!
> 
> Miss Pledge: Oh, that’s nice!
> 
> Tim: Do you wanna come to our concert? Georgie, can she come to the concert? Can water ghosts be moved in like, a water bottle or something?
> 
> Georgie: ...huh, let me google that.

Video ends.]

**whirly whirly swirl:** for the record, i think so! maybe to be safe she should go with freddie or gavin, i think a component of this is the emotional connection

**splashy splash time:** Oh nice, itll be good to give her a day out!!! :))

**hell fall:** Georgie, this is a sweet video and I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but... you’ve openly discussed the entities in that video

**hell fall:** without any form of context, is that the information you want going into the public sphere?

**whirly whirly swirl:** god fucking dammit jonathan

**whirly whirly swirl:** i hate that you’re right so much

**whirly whirly swirl:** actual proof of an actual ghost

**whirly whirly swirl:** my listeners would have loved it! but nooo, i have to be responsible and not share the knowledge of the existence of the cosmic horrors that are made from and/or are fed by humanity’s fear because everyone would get freaked out to fuck by that and it’s infinitely kinder and safer if everyone doesn’t know about it

**whirly whirly swirl:** but still

**whirly whirly swirl:** im angy

**swirly whirly whirl:** g, u know how much i care for u

**swirly whirly whirl:** jon, i guess ur alright too :-P

**swirly whirly whirl:** but u’re both fucking idiots

**swirly whirly whirl:** just crop the footage?

**whirly whirly swirl:** ...

**whirly whirly swirl:** okay this is why melanie is my girlfriend and jon and i broke up

**swirly whirly whirl:** aw cheers g :-)

**swirly whirly whirl:** anyway, freddie and i (and gavin) are on our way back, so

**swirly whirly whirl:** he says u can record that bit too if u want

**whirly whirly swirl:** oh i do

**whirly whirly swirl:** you’re always a step ahead of me, love :)

**swirly whirly whirl:** anyway, u won’t believe what was in their office

**toilet bowl:** omg what what what

**_Melanie King_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: the shot opens on a few pieces of equipment mounted on a wall of the office. They appear to be lovingly polished. As the camera zooms in, it reveals that the small brass plaque under one such item reads “ _ piss sonar _ ”, engraved in a neat serif font. The camera swings to a second device, the plaque reading “ _ turd magnifier _ ”. Video ends.]

**toilet bowl:** ahahahahahahaha holy fuck :D

**shark slide:** fuck me

**shark slide:** wow

**swirly whirly whirl:** yep so that’s “standard water park equipment” according to gavin

**swirly whirly whirl:** who ofc takes health and safety *extremely* seriously

**swirly whirly whirl:** and he’s v proud of his equipment so naturally it’s all mounted

**swirly whirly whirl:** “this office is my van, melanie, and it contains everything i will ever need to maintain the integrity of this water park and minimise risk for the patrons”

**fluttery bye-byes:** incredible

**swirly whirly whirl:** (he also has one of those newton’s cradle thingies with the balls on his desk? again with a plaque that says “standard executive toy”)

**splashy splash time:** No wayyyyyy

**fluttery bye-byes:** please

**fluttery bye-byes:** please can we borrow it

**fluttery bye-byes:** and use it in el*as’s office

**fluttery bye-byes:** or both of them holy shit

**hell fall:** of course not, Sasha.

**toilet bowl:** shes right boss pls pls plsss

**hell fall:** I’m sorry, but no.

**hell fall:** El*as is already the biggest steaming turd in the place, we don’t want to make him any bigger.

**splashy splash time:** Omggg

**splashy splash time:** That is true tho

**hell fall:** oh, I know.

**swirly whirly whirl:** oh btw shall we meet at sasha’s ride? freddie says we can go to the pump room from there and maybe talk to miss pledge more clearly?

**swirly whirly whirl:** he’s really keen to talk to her again :-)

**Jungle Ride:** Sure

**swirly whirly whirl:** ace, see u there

**Jungle Ride:** Anything we need to be aware of? Leftover spooky?

**swirly whirly whirl:** uhhhh one sec

**swirly whirly whirl:** nah they say it’s fine, but there’s just a general weird vibe they can’t get rid of

**swirly whirly whirl:** cobwebs in the corridor, which u will walk thru if u’re tall etc

**swirly whirly whirl:** but in practice it’s fine 

**Jungle Ride:** Good to hear

**Jungle Ride:** Daisy and I’ll marshall the others over there

**swirly whirly whirl:** cool :-)

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Dont worry, ill walk through all the webs for you <333

**Jonathan Sims:** christ you’re the rock in this relationship x

\---

3:59 P.M.

_ “beach day beach day beach day!!” _

**whirly whirly swirl:** part 2 :)

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ sent a video _

[Video ID: Georgie and the others are standing in a dark, dingy room with a large silver box in the centre. It doesn’t quite loom ominously, but it has a certain vibe to it, like it had loomed ominously in the past.

> Georgie: And we’re back! So, as I’ve been reminded by my fantastic girlfriend, who some of you might find familiar--
> 
> [Melanie butts into frame and grins.]
> 
> Melanie: This video is a collaboration with Ghost Hunt UK, the channel’s dead but I’m still kicking!
> 
> [Georgie smiles.]
> 
> Georgie: Yep, and we’re also collab-ing with the Magnus Institute, kinda--
> 
> [Melanie pantomimes vomiting elaborately.]
> 
> Georgie: She works there, she’s allowed to do that. Anyway, Freddie, who co-owns the water park, is here to speak to Miss Pledge, because they used to work together before the incident a few years ago. The other co-owner, Gavin, is here as well, since the three of them saved the park and possibly the world together. Now, while she’s been here all this time, they haven’t spoken until now, mostly because Freddie and Gavin have been busy running the park, and they really didn’t expect Miss Pledge to still exist. But here they all are, in the pump room, where Miss Pledge and Jan are strongest, and we’ve been given permission to film their reunion!
> 
> [The camera swings around and focuses on a young man, statuesque and gleaming. His casually swept-back hair and sun-bronzed torso are complemented by his prosthetic legs, which glint in the light as he steps closer to the monolithic silver box.
> 
> Freddie: ...Miss Pledge? Is it really you in there?
> 
> Miss Pledge: Freddie boy! Yes, it’s me, I got sucked into the water and became a part of it, somehow, so I’ve been watching over you! And oh, you’re looking so handsome, look at you! And you’re full-time now! You even own the place! Oh, Freddie, I’m so proud of you!
> 
> [Freddie blushes, a slight dusting of pink that looks honoured to be on his face.]
> 
> Freddie: Thank you, Miss Pledge! Um, I know you wanted me to go down your path, you know, into caretaking, and not follow in Mr Calcifer’s footsteps, but... well I do run the park now, with Gavin.
> 
> Miss Pledge: I know, boy. I’ve been keeping an eye on you, like I said, and I’m so proud! I didn’t want you to be like Mr Calcifer because all the legends said he’d done some very shady things, like I told you, but it sounds like you’re doing so much better!
> 
> Freddie: I’m really trying, Miss Pledge!
> 
> Miss Pledge: Ah, boy, that’s great! Oh, and I’ve been keeping all your buttons, just like before. It’s the least I could do for you, really.
> 
> Freddie: Thank you, Miss Pledge, but they do just keep popping off... 
> 
> Miss Pledge: That’s why I collect them, boy, I’ve got you covered. Oh, and Gavin! Is that you too?
> 
> [A tall, middle-aged man comes forward, dressed in a white shirt and brown chinos belted slightly too high.]
> 
> Gavin: Miss Pledge! I never... I never thought I’d speak to you again, but Freddie told me what you did, and I’ve wanted to thank you for a while.
> 
> Miss Pledge: Aw, thank you, Gavin! I’m so glad I let you see me, you’ve been such a help to our Freddie boy.
> 
> Gavin: Um, I never didn’t see you.
> 
> Miss Pledge: Shh, shh, shh, I know you’re putting a good face on it in front of everyone else here, but we both know you couldn’t see me before I wanted you to.
> 
> [Gavin shakes his head, but Miss Pledge ignores him.]
> 
> Miss Pledge: The two of you saved the park from the metaphysical problems, and more than that, you’ve kept it from going under as well! I haven’t even heard any hushed rumours about deals with dark forces for financial success, and I’m literally everywhere now. Actually, I thought the only way to keep afloat was to do deals with dark forces, which is part of why I didn’t want you to end up running the place, Freddie. But you both seem to be managing, which is so wonderful!
> 
> Freddie: Well, uh, it turns out that if you keep running the whole park with like, the same rules that I got told for being a lifeguard? Things work fine! I mean, I’m responsible, so it’s probably no surprise that it’s going well now! And Gavin is keeping all the park clean and safe and respectamable, which is amazing, and Miss Pledge Memorial Slyde World is doing so well!
> 
> Miss Pledge: I know, boy, I knew you’d only do good things if they made you full-time! You too, Gavin, I know you wanted to shut the park down, but you’ve been doing such a good job, keeping the water clean and mentoring our Freddie!
> 
> Georgie, whispering to the others: ...should we leave them to it?
> 
> Martin: Yeah, probably.
> 
> [There’s a slight oof from Melanie, off-camera, who has presumably been nudged in the ribs.]
> 
> Melanie, loudly: Uh, Freddie? We’re going to leave you guys to it, I’ll call into your office later before we go?
> 
> Freddie: Oh, uh, sure, Melanie! I’ll see you then!
> 
> Georgie, whispering to the camera: So there you go! A real life ghost, in a ghost story with a happy ending!

Video ends.]

\---

8:49 P.M.

**whirly whirly swirl:** what a day!! thank you all for a) taking me out and b) letting me join the group chat

**swirly whirly whirl:** u’re thanking us for adding u to this fuckin mess?

**whirly whirly swirl:** lol

**whirly whirly swirl:** more the day out, yeah

**whirly whirly swirl:** and enabling you all to drag jon away from work for once in his life

**hell fall:** I’m not that bad!

**whirly whirly swirl:** ohhh you are

**splashy splash time:** You are

**shark slide:** you are

**fluttery bye-byes:** you are

**Jungle Ride:** You are

**toilet bowl:** u r

**swirly whirly whirl:** u are

**hell fall:** ...

**whirly whirly swirl:** 7 against 1 jonathan

**fluttery bye-byes:** yep according to official group chat rules that’s the motion carried :)

**hell fall:** ...

**splashy splash time:** But thats why you have us :))))

**splashy splash time:** Oh speaking of which, ive got a couple more photos :)))

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: Jon, visibly concentrating, with a faint green glow in his narrowed eyes. The image appears to have been taken from a small gap in between some trees.]

**shark slide:** that was still cheating

**hell fall:** it had been fifteen minutes! I can use the Eye in hide and seek if I’ve been searching for longer than fifteen minutes!

**hell fall:** and Tim had somehow literally folded himself up inside a tube? if I hadn’t used the Eye, he’d still be there

**toilet bowl:** >;)

**toilet bowl:** supreme hider stoker at ur service :D

**hell fall:** anyway, Daisy, you found everyone in about thirty seconds and that just screams Hunt influence to me.

**shark slide:** can’t prove anything :)

**hell fall:** hmph.

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: the entire gang sitting in a park with styrofoam containers of fish on their knees and a newspaper-wrapped bundle of chips in the centre of the group. Martin is taking the selfie, and he and the others smile up at the camera as the sun sets in the background.]

**splashy splash time:** This was such a good day, thank you all so so much :)))

**splashy splash time:** Particularly melanie for bringing us here???? So good for so many reasons <333

**swirly whirly whirl:** glad everyone had a good time! i know freddie was super stoked

**swirly whirly whirl:** (literally his exact words)

**swirly whirly whirl:** by us being there, but also the whole miss pledge thing, he and gavin were both really happy that she’s still around in spirit

**swirly whirly whirl:** pun not intended :-P

**splashy splash time:** Aw good :))))

**whirly whirly swirl:** mkay i think i’m gonna remove myself from this chat, i love it here but this is also your work chat? kinda? so i don’t want to interrupt that 

**whirly whirly swirl:** but before i go, i have a theory

**whirly whirly swirl:** about why miss pledge was still there?

**whirly whirly swirl:** i think part of it is because she died in a ~spooky~ incident, part of it is bc the whole park is a memorial to her

**whirly whirly swirl:** but the biggest part of it is the emotional connection, i reckon

**whirly whirly swirl:** mostly between her and freddie, but gavin too

**whirly whirly swirl:** which is really nice? not everything spooky draws on completely evil stuff by default

**hell fall:** ...

**hell fall:** ...that’s comforting to be told

**splashy splash time:** Aah jon <333

**splashy splash time:** Yeah i think that was important to find out :)))

**whirly whirly swirl:** :)

**whirly whirly swirl:** so on that note, i think i’m gonna depart the gc

**whirly whirly swirl:** thanks again for letting me tag along!

**fluttery bye-byes:** any time!

**whirly whirly swirl:** :) 

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ has left the group _

\---

**_Georgie Barker_ ** _ to  _ **_Melanie King_ **

**Georgie Barker:** so i know you

**Georgie Barker:** and i know jon

**Georgie Barker:** and i’ve been out with them all for drinks many times before

**Georgie Barker:** but the feral energy of today? unexpected and amazing

**Georgie Barker:** do you magnus people just summon ghosts when there are lots of you together?

**Melanie King:** i mean, i can’t deny it

**Georgie Barker:** knew there was a reason i kept you around <3

**Melanie King:** glad you had a good day out, g 

**Georgie Barker:** i did! and i’m so glad i got to meet some of your family :)

**Melanie King:** yeah, freddie’s a good egg :-)

**Georgie Barker:** still reckon i got the best one, though :)

**Melanie King:** fucking hell georgie

**Melanie King:** i love u

**Melanie King:** u’re so good? even when i’m stubborn and get angry and throw myself into suicide pacts to save the world

**Georgie Barker:** no no shit we weren’t meant to get sappy coming back from the water park dammit

**Georgie Barker:** ...but since we’ve started

**Georgie Barker:** you make it easy to love you

**Georgie Barker:** not everything is perfect all the time, but then, it’s never all gonna be perfect

**Georgie Barker:** i mean god, i know i can get a bit black and white at times

**Georgie Barker:** but there’s nobody i’d rather be not entirely perfect with than you <3

**Melanie King:** fuck dkafndsk georgie georgina i 

**Melanie King:** <3

**Georgie Barker:** <3

\---

10:58 P.M.

_ “beach day beach day beach day!!” _

**toilet bowl:** and now

**toilet bowl:** weve set foot upon the platform back in london

**toilet bowl:** land of smog and pigeon

**toilet bowl:** weve gone our separate ways into taxis n trains 

**toilet bowl:** which means

**toilet bowl:** disappointingly

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “ew back to work again ew” _

**swirly whirly whirl:** like we do anything at work lol

**splashy splash time:** ^^^^

**toilet bowl:** oh tru!

**toilet bowl:** but still

**toilet bowl:** ew

**hell fall:** indeed.

**hell fall:** that said, I’ll see you all tomorrow.

**splashy splash time:** Yess have a good night everyone :))))

\---

Thursday, 7:31 A.M.

**Jungle Ride:** Guess who thought she was too tough for sunscreen yesterday

**_Basira Hussain_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: Daisy in a white tank top with a disgruntled look on her face. Her cheekbones, nose, collarbones and arms are all bright pink.]

**shark slide:** oh cheers basira

**shark slide:** loving the loyalty

**shark slide:** once upon a time it was us vs the world, basira, just you and me

**Jungle Ride:** And now, we’re having healthier relationships with other people

**shark slide:** yeah sure, but still

**fluttery bye-byes:** i mean, we’ll all see you at work in an hour anyway :/

**Jungle Ride:** She's just hot and grumpy, don’t mind her

**Splashy splash time:** Nivea cream! 

**toilet bowl:** and/or aloe vera

**toilet bowl:** babe i kno abt sunburn

**toilet bowl:** y do u think i was wearing such a funky shirt yesterday? 

**fluttery bye-byes:** well, “funky” is debatable

**toilet bowl:** shut up babe <3

**toilet bowl:** i mean yea im fashionable

**toilet bowl:** but iv been burnt a few times in my ~careless youth~ and now i wear funky fresh af shirts

**toilet bowl:** anyway aloe vera is a fuckin gift

**shark slide:** i’m absolutely fuckin coated in the stuff, dw

**shark slide:** god fuck we’ve got rehearsal tonight don’t we

**shark slide:** i’m going to look like a bloody tomato at rehearsal with all the avatars 

**shark slide:** shit

**hell fall:** ah yes, rehearsal.

**hell fall:** since none of you do any work at work nowadays, and El*as is somehow even more awful than we thought he was, I think I’ll join you. I’m going to send out some documents relating to the concert by the end of today.

**hell fall:** hopefully it will guide the rehearsal forwards

**splashy splash time:** Did yesterdays shirt fill you with ideas? :))))

**toilet bowl:** im tryin

**toilet bowl:** so hard

**toilet bowl:** not to make a dodgy joke abt that shirt filling ppl w ideas

**shark slide:** stoker i thought we left you at monkey world with your brethren

**toilet bowl:** nah u cant get rid of me ;)

**hell fall:** to answer Martin, hah, not quite, but I have been thinking about this for a while.

**hell fall:** there are a few things I’ll need to check, but I’m making headway with the plans

**hell fall:** you should all enjoy the set list, it’s mostly things we’ve talked about in rehearsals before, but with a few extra twists.

**fluttery bye-byes:** oooh

**fluttery bye-byes:** ominous

**toilet bowl:** chucking a sickie yesterday has filled me w too much energy??? i literally cant wait boss omfg

**hell fall:** oh, it’ll be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Act 3, huh? Jonny's really hitting us with the softness before ripping out our beating hearts :P  
> Like in canon, but to a far lesser extent, thus ends the fun interlude before everything kicks off... Well, I say that, but I'm making damn sure the conclusion to this is just as fun as the rest of the fic, if not more so :D  
> Fair warning, the next chapter might take a little longer, because I'm working on some ~~bonus content~~ to go along with it! I'm so excited for this, you cannot believe :D  
> On that note, I'm once again going to crowdsource ideas....... please drop your favourite sea shanties/folk songs in the comments, or hit me up on tumblr! You know exactly what this is for, and I've got some good ideas already, but I'm very very keen to make as big a library to draw from as I can. Also, I'm just really getting into that kind of music? It's a good time, and I can add it to my library of writing music! Thanks in advance :))


	33. -filler: archive the thing-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, since I've got two chapters plus bonus content on the go at the same time, I've started crocheting a lil Sasha, and life is starting to get busy again, it's looking like there's gonna be a bit of a delay until the next chapter comes out. (Everything writing-wise is about half-finished, though, so it shouldn't be thaaat much longer :) )  
> However, since I am a slut for validation, here's a bit of extra extra bonus content in the meantime! Those of you who follow me on tumblr might have already seen this--if not, it's the encore song for the concert! This struck me like a bolt from the blue last week, and is based on [Hoist Up The Thing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaEXyQg7pCc&ab_channel=TheLongestJohns) by the Longest Johns, which is damn good fun :D  
> So, I present: Archive the Thing!

**Encore: Archive the Thing**

**Jon:** Fresh out of college, with grades straight from hell

I browsed for a trade at which I could excel

An ad for an archive in need of some filing

Well, I like to research, so I’m glad they’re hiring

What luck, says I, to find such good fortune!

A few white lies later, I ran down the stairs

Bought a few tapes and a cardie or two

Sat in my office, then yelled at the crew:

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it!

Staple that page! (That's not right!) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

I don’t know the order to file these away

And Martin let in a dog on our first day

Why did Gertrude shove all these files in a box?

They’re all jumbled up, was her head full of rocks? 

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it!

Staple that page! (That's not right!) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

There’s worms all about, and a mystery door

I’ve been kidnapped loads, but I don’t know what for

Now there’s cops in the archives, and Melanie’s knives

The way this is going, how will I survive?

But I’ve got Tim and Sasha, and Melanie too

Basira and Daisy, my great archives crew

And Martin, my rock, whose tea is the best

Come on, you bastards, let’s clean up this mess!

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it!

Staple that page! (That's not right!) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control! (x3)

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it! (BLOODY HELL!)

Staple that page! (These are ancient!) Now I've got it! (Screaming)

Trust me, I'm in control! (MUMMY!)

Trust me, I'm in control!


	34. too late ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **fluttery bye-byes:** it’s not like zampano is a massively common last name, but still  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** and i know she’s got fb, so  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** i’ve even tried finding her from sonja’s profile? i’m assuming she’s using a different name? and i’ve found three possible suspects  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** rosie dimorello, rose bayer, and rosie kendall  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** all without profile pictures or other immediately identifying info  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** that’s if she’s even using rosie or its derivatives at all, she could be using a completely fake fb name  
>  **shark slide:** fuck me  
>  **toilet bowl:** ur surprised? sash was this when u were pissed at them for not finding out theyre together first?  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** ........potentially

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof lads there's a lot going on this chapter, so strap in for the rollercoaster :D  
> The link is clickable!  
> And there's a transcript for the glitch text in the end notes :)

Thursday, 10:19 A.M.

_“fuck Elias: the band”_

**Jonathan Sims:** just a reminder that the first combined rehearsal is tonight!

 **Jonathan Sims:** 8pm, here in the archives

 **Jonathan Sims:** those of you who have issues with transport, Helen will come pick you up

 **Jonathan Sims:** please don’t be excessively avatar-y in her tunnels, I don’t think she’ll appreciate that

 **Julia Montauk:** so you’re saying i can’t stab the manifestation of the spiral who’s transporting me from america? never would have guessed

w̷̄ͅe̶̮͛l̴͈̾l̸̯͂,̷̲͆ ̷̧̈́ț̴̕h̷̢̛è̶̼ ̴̺̕d̶̤̈i̵̳̐s̸̗̿t̵̞̔ǫ̶̛r̵̭̽t̴̛̖ȋ̶̬ö̸̤́n̴̩̉ ̴͙̏ḯ̷͜ṣ̴ ̵̝̉m̷̙̂ỹ̵̨ ̶͓̚d̷̮̊ö̸́ͅm̷̘͝à̴̧i̶̠͛n̷͍͐,̶͙̏ ̵̐ͅs̵̼̏o̵̝͠ ̸̩̔i̸̲̔ ̸̖̀w̸͇̄o̶͕̓ů̶̬l̴͕͠d̸̟̚ ̶͖͑b̸͍̊e̷̬̓ ̸͚̏i̷̭͛ñ̸̡ ̶̟̇u̶̳͘l̵̙̚ṱ̸̇ì̶̼m̷̝̐á̵͍t̶̲̒e̸̹̚ ̶̱̆c̵͔ǒ̵̰n̵̠̎t̴͓͗r̶̜ǒ̶̟l̷̪̓

̶͔͠ị̸̊’̸͎̀d̵̨̚ ̵͕̍b̴̪̐e̵̙̔ ̷̧͂f̷̧̂i̸̥͆n̶̦̿ę̴͗

̵̠͠b̵̧͐ǘ̷̻t̴͖̔ ̸̽͜ḭ̶͗t̶̤̋ ̴̠̉w̵̜͘ò̵̦u̶̗̿l̵̪͆d̸͚̉ ̷͈̓b̶̝͛e̴̤͠ ̶̜͆q̸̰̐u̴̼̚i̷̊ͅt̷͇͊e̷͔̍ ̴̥͑r̴͔̈́ṷ̶d̴̹̚ȅ̴͍

 **[unknown]:** Yes, Good Point! Let’s Not Be Unduly Rude To Each Other

 **[unknown]:** We’re All Here Because We Want To Be In The Band, And Because We Want To Commit Violence Against Elias Bouchard/Jonah Magnus

 **Manuela Dominguez:** this whole thing has dragged up my sordid past

 **Manuela Dominguez:** I used to play the flute in the church choir when I was in high school

 **Manuela Dominguez:** I genuinely hate these reminders 

**Manuela Dominguez:** but I get to fuck over the big Eye bastard, so

 **Manuela Dominguez:** you win some you lose some, I suppose

 **[unknown]:** That’s The Spirit!

 **Jonathan Sims:** hmm

 **Jonathan Sims:** just while I’m thinking of it

 **Jonathan Sims:** new avatars, we were working on “The Ballad of Gertrude Robinson,” to perform in a concert setting

 **Jonathan Sims:** as the old band members know, when we were working on the ballad on its own, we’d originally planned for Gertrude’s character to never appear. 

**Jonathan Sims:** my problem is, she’s taken on on so much of a life of her own in the expanded version, that I don’t think we can feasibly leave her out

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ll discuss this at the rehearsal tonight, of course

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I really can’t expect anyone to want to play her. which leaves us a bit stuck.

 **[unknown]:** Oh, That’s Not A Problem!

 **[unknown]:** I Have Her Skin :o)

 **[unknown]:** So I Can Play Her Perfectly!

 **Timothy Stoker:** the fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** yes, I agree with Tim

 **Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, what the fuck?

 **[unknown]:** I Didn’t Kill Her For It Or Anything, Don’t Worry

 **[unknown]:** But I Collect Interesting Skins! And Whose Skin Is More Interesting Than An Archivist’s?

 **mike:** nikola pls

 **mike:** ur making us normal avatars look bad

 **[unknown]:** I Don’t Understand The Problem! Some People Collect Butterflies, Or Stamps

 **[unknown]:** I Collect Skins :o)

 **[unknown]:** I’m Made Of Plastic, So I Find Skins Fascinating! They’re So Weird And Soft

 **[unknown]:** And It’s Not Like Their Previous Owners Are Using Them After They’ve Died, Right?

 **Sasha James:** mkay i’m just confirming that you absolutely 100% didn’t take skins from people who were still alive?

 **[unknown]:** Of Course Not! That Would Be Rude :o(

 **Sasha James:** good, good

 **Timothy Stoker:** this is said w no judgement at all, but ur a fuckin freak

 **[unknown]:** Thank You, Tim! I Try My Best :oD

 **[unknown]:** And I’m So Glad My Collection Can Be Useful!

 **Jonathan Sims:** wait.

 **Jonathan Sims:** is this why you got Breekon and Hope to buy me so much moisturiser?

 **[unknown]:** :o)

 **Jonathan Sims:** christ.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I can leave it to you in my will, I suppose.

 **[unknown]:** Thank You! You’re The First Archivist To Be So Considerate! :oD

 **Jonathan Sims:** any time?

 **Jonathan Sims:** just don’t take it before I’m dead, please.

 **[unknown]:** I’ve Already Said I Don’t Do That!

 **Jonathan Sims:** just wanted to confirm it.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and on that frankly disturbing note, I’ll see you all tonight.

\---

3:08 P.M.

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** Hey, Martin!

 **Rosie Kendall:** How’s the band going?

 **Rosie Kendall:** You guys have got a rehearsal tonight, right?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Its going super well actually!! The concert should be great :DD

 **Rosie Kendall:** Looking forward to it!

 **Martin Blackwood:** :)))))

 **Rosie Kendall:** Don’t forget my concert tickets!

 **Martin Blackwood:** No chance :))))

\---

7:46 P.M.

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** How are you doing?

 **Jonathan Sims:** alright, I think?

 **Martin Blackwood:** I can see you stress pacing in your office :///

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, yes, I’m stressed, but what’s new

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah, i know the feeling

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im not sure how i feel about having a whole bunch of avatars here

 **Martin Blackwood:** The new ones, i mean

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m sure they’ll be fine.

 **Jonathan Sims:** this is my... territory, I guess

 **Jonathan Sims:** the archives

 **Jonathan Sims:** my domain, like Helen said.

 **Jonathan Sims:** so if necessary, I’ll do everything in my power to keep everyone safe.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I trust it won’t come to that. they all seem quite determined to fuck Elias over

 **Jonathan Sims:** as indeed am I.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Lol jon me too :DD

 **Martin Blackwood:** Tbh im also quite nervous about meeting actual famous people????

 **Jonathan Sims:** ...yes

 **Jonathan Sims:** me too

 **Jonathan Sims:** I was in a band at uni? I’m having the same insecurities as when I first started the Head Archivist job, only this time I *know* that there are people involved who far more competent at this than me

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m somehow running this rehearsal

 **Jonathan Sims:** and god knows I was hardly the most organised one in the Mechs

 **Jonathan Sims:** still. I have grown as a person. and the band is collaborative, so it’s not like I’m in charge, I just have to keep things from completely devolving

 **Martin Blackwood:** Exactly :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** And for what its worth, i think youre the exact right person for this :)))

 **Martin Blackwood:** Were all here to support you

 **Martin Blackwood:** Me in particular <33

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you, Martin

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ive just made a cuppa, im on my way in :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** xx

\---

10:05 P.M.

_“ew back to work again ew”_

**toilet bowl:** holy fuck lads

 **toilet bowl:** we just

 **toilet bowl:** we had a jam sesh

 **toilet bowl:** me n my shitty guitar

 **toilet bowl:** w hozier???? and grimes????? what the Fuck lads

 **fluttery bye-byes:** right????

 **splashy splash time:** Yeah look im barely coping!!!! Im barely holding it together guys!!!! I want to scream!!!

 **splashy splash time:** Like, avatars???? Avatars who are also famous singers????? Im

 **splashy splash time:** Sdglkjadslkgdlkjgdlj

 **splashy splash time:** Hozier particularly????

 **splashy splash time:** I cant stop thinking about karaoke bloody hell

 **shark slide:** hang on, man down

 **shark slide:** sims, everything alright over there? 

**toilet bowl:** and zooosh off marto goes at light speed to the time out couch :D

 **splashy splash time:** Just in case you cant see, tim, im typing and flipping you off at the same time :)))

 **toilet bowl:** ahaha nah man u kno i love it <3

 **splashy splash time:** Yeah :))))

 **Jungle Ride:** How are you feeling, Jon?

 **hell fall:** I'm alright, just done in. 

**hell fall:** remind me to never do this again

 **hell fall:** 20 people

 **hell fall:** 20 people in the band

 **hell fall:** 20 people I have to keep on track in rehearsal

 **hell fall:** good lord

 **fluttery bye-byes:** big oof

 **hell fall:** yes.

 **hell fall:** I have many apologies to make to my former bandmates.

 **swirly whirly whirl:** oh?

 **hell fall:** I was not usually the organised one. in the Mechanisms

 **hell fall:** unfortunately, Georgie can attest that I was a bit of an arse in college

 **hell fall:** I mean, I did everything I needed to, but let’s just say I was the one who would encourage tangents, rather than keep everyone on track.

 **hell fall:** spending an entire evening going down the rabbit hole of Arthurian legend, and all its different variants, instead of actually rehearsing at all, does spring to mind

 **swirly whirly whirl:** ehehehe 

**swirly whirly whirl:** oh boy i have so many questions to ask g >:-)

 **hell fall:** but. I have learnt from my mistakes. 

**hell fall:** I am organised now, and that’s all I have to say on the subject.

 **shark slide:** lol

 **hell fall:** still, tiredness aside, I had a very good time, and I think everyone else did too

 **hell fall:** it reminded me a lot of uni, everyone playing and sharing ideas and mapping things out

 **hell fall:** so high energy! I didn’t realise just how tired I was until we stopped

 **hell fall:** so here I am, I suppose.

 **hell fall:** I’ll just take a moment to get my breath back and then head home.

 **Jungle Ride:** Good plan

 **toilet bowl:** anyway lads

 **toilet bowl:** on a scale of one to jaw on the floor astounded, how surprised were u that jared plays banjo really fuckin well

 **fluttery bye-byes:** right? it added so much

 **fluttery bye-byes:** wasn’t expecting julia montauk to slay on the harmonica tho

 **shark slide:** yeah she told me trevor taught her

 **fluttery bye-byes:** huh, there you go

 **splashy splash time:** Oh guys!

 **splashy splash time:** Before i forget, rosie asked about the concert earlier

 **swirly whirly whirl:** oh i took a couple of photos, i can send them to her?

 **splashy splash time:** Yes for sure!!

 **swirly whirly whirl:** hang on, i don’t have her as a contact

 **fluttery bye-byes:** ohhhh yeah

 **fluttery bye-byes:** i’ve tried to find her on fb before, but i can’t?

 **fluttery bye-byes:** it’s not like zampano is a massively common last name, but still

 **fluttery bye-byes:** and i know she’s got fb, so

 **fluttery bye-byes:** i’ve even tried finding her from sonja’s profile? i’m assuming she’s using a different name? and i’ve found three possible suspects

 **fluttery bye-byes:** rosie dimorello, rose bayer, and rosie kendall

 **fluttery bye-byes:** all without profile pictures or other immediately identifying info

 **fluttery bye-byes:** that’s if she’s even using rosie or its derivatives at all, she could be using a completely fake fb name

 **shark slide:** fuck me

 **toilet bowl:** ur surprised? sash was this when u were pissed at them for not finding out theyre together first?

 **fluttery bye-byes:** ........potentially

 **Jungle Ride:** Aren’t we forgetting that Martin clearly has her as a contact?

 **fluttery bye-byes:** .......oh yeah

 **splashy splash time:** You just had to ask :))))

 **splashy splash time:** But yeah shes rosie kendall on fb

 **splashy splash time:** She uses her mums maiden name bc she doesnt want work stuff following her home and like you said, zampano isnt that common, so

 **splashy splash time:** Before you ask, im her friend on fb bc back when i was working in the library, i noticed her crocheting one day, and i knit, so we got chatting about it

 **splashy splash time:** She tags me in knitting stuff sometimes

 **toilet bowl:** cute :)

 **splashy splash time:** Okay guys nobodys said anything for like five minutes

 **splashy splash time:** Are you all fb stalking rosie??? 

**toilet bowl:** well,,,,

 **Jungle Ride:** ...No comment

 **fluttery bye-byes:** martin babe you already know i am

 **splashy splash time:** Omg you guys :’’’’))

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _renamed the group “Lads please dont stalk rosie???”_

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the group “too late ;)”_

\---

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** So I've just got a friend request from everyone in the archives

 **Rosie Kendall:** At 10 pm on a Thursday

 **Sonja Zhao:** omg

 **Sonja Zhao:** what are you going to do? 

**Rosie Kendall:** Well on the one hand, this is exactly the type of crap I don’t want to bring home from work

 **Sonja Zhao:** but on the other hand...?

 **Rosie Kendall:** But on the other hand, they’re hilarious

 **Rosie Kendall:** Of course I’m gonna accept

 **Sonja Zhao:** hell yeah :D

\---

 **_Melanie King_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Melanie King:** hi, rosie! martin said u were asking about the concert?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh absolutely I was!

 **Rosie Kendall:** Great to hear from you, Melanie!

 **Melanie King:** well, i’ve got some photos :-)

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh my god yes please share

 **Rosie Kendall:** The rumours I’ve been hearing about this are insane, and they didn’t call me nosy Rosie at school for nothing

 **Melanie King:** incredible

 **Melanie King:** right, here goes

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: Jared Hopworth holding a normal-sized banjo, but in his hands, it looks like a toy]

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: Michael and Helen, both grinning, with a ukulele and a piano accordion respectively. If the photo is tilted slightly, it almost looks as if their fingers are far too long and spindly for the instruments]

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: Martin and Manuela, both holding their instruments. Martin is smiling openly, and Manuela’s smile, although smaller, is no less genuine. Over the top of the picture, someone (presumably Melanie) has written “reluctant high school woodwind gang!” in bright blue digital pen]

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: Basira, eyes closed, playing something on her bass and looking like calm and serenity personified]

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent an image_

[Image ID: Gerry and Oliver talking animatedly about something. In the background are two blurry but familiar figures]

 **Rosie Kendall:** Wait

 **Rosie Kendall:** In the background, that’s not

 **Rosie Kendall:** You don’t have actual famous musicians in your band, do you?

 **Melanie King:** come to the concert and find out ;-)

 **Melanie King:** oh, and i’ve got these! 

**Melanie King:** this one was our warmup

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: The camera pans around the entire band, who are standing in a circle and singing a round to the tune of Frere Jacques.

> All, in canon: Jimmy Magma, Jimmy Magma / Suck a dick, suck a dick / Piss off Ceaseless Watcher, piss off Ceaseless Watcher / Go get fucked, go get fucked

Video ends.]

 **Rosie Kendall:** Not a fan, then?

 **Melanie King:** do i really have to answer that?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh, valid

 **Melanie King:** i really have 0 clue how u stand to be his secretary

 **Rosie Kendall:** He pays me, I’m curious, and I think he likes me just enough to cut me some slack

 **Rosie Kendall:** Plus I don’t have to deal with whatever you Archives lot do, I just get to sit back and watch the madness happen :)

 **Melanie King:** oh what a mood

 **Melanie King:** and one last video

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: The band is scattered around the room in a rough circle, some standing with their instruments, some sitting on chairs, some sitting on the floor. Jon is one of the latter group, with his legs tucked underneath him, bending to write something on a piece of paper. The video starts as Jon is midsentence.

> Jon: --looking to do something like an anti-ritual, I suppose. I mean, this is the sort of thing that I did with the band in uni? It’s been about ten years, so I might be a bit rusty, but...
> 
> [His entire bearing changes abruptly as he sits straighter, and begins the chant from Red Signal. Despite his professed uncertainty, it’s word-perfect, starting quiet and creepy and growing in a crescendo of bizarre Lovecraftian syllables. 
> 
> Just as suddenly, he stops, falling back into his previous, more relaxed posture. He shrugs.]
> 
> Jon: Something like that, I suppose. Or a reverse version of it.
> 
> [There is a beat of stunned silence for a moment, before a few band members, led by Martin, start clapping. As more join in, Jon ducks his head, cheeks darkening.
> 
> Video ends.]

**Melanie King:** took all those to show georgie, hope u like em :-)

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh I absolutely do

 **Rosie Kendall:** I cannot wait for this concert!

 **Melanie King:** :-D

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh, Tim’s just messaged

 **Melanie King:** if that has anything to do with why he’s grinning rn then i wish u the very best of luck

 **Rosie Kendall:** ...right.

 **Rosie Kendall:** Thanks, and thanks again for the photos and videos! :)

\---

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** hi!!

 **Rosie Kendall:** Hi, Tim :)

 **Timothy Stoker:** mind if i ask a favour?

 **Rosie Kendall:** I don’t know what you expect me to do at this time of night, but sure, go ahead

 **Timothy Stoker:** will u let me bring pigeons into el*as’s office? pls pls pls

 **Rosie Kendall:** No, sorry

 **Timothy Stoker:** aww :(

 **Rosie Kendall:** You’ll get over it :)

\---

10:37 P.M.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _to_ **_Annabelle Cane_ **

**Jonathan Sims:** I’m sitting on the tube going home, and I’ve just been hit by an idea.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’d like you to know just how much I hate this

 **Jonathan Sims:** but it fits. thematically. and I really can’t pass up something that fits as well as this

 **Annabelle Cane:** I’m listening

 **Jonathan Sims:** Would you, for the purposes of the concert, be the Archive?

 **Annabelle Cane:** Ahahahahahahahaha 

**Annabelle Cane:** Fuck 

**Annabelle Cane:** Yes, Jonathan, yes, of course I will!

 **Annabelle Cane:** Truly

 **Annabelle Cane:** I would like nothing better

 **Jonathan Sims:** this does not mean we’re friends.

 **Annabelle Cane:** But it’s a step in the right direction :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** fine.

 **Jonathan Sims:** see you next week

 **Annabelle Cane:** See you then, Archivist :)

\---

11:17 P.M.

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** heyyyyy rosie me again

 **Timothy Stoker:** can i set pigeons loose in bitchards office?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Still no :)

 **Timothy Stoker:** what if i ask tomoro?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Can’t guarantee anything, but probably not

 **Timothy Stoker:** only a probably! result!

\---

Friday, 12:01 A.M.

 **Timothy Stoker:** soooooo,,,

 **Rosie Kendall:** Go to sleep, Tim

 **Timothy Stoker:** thats not an answer

 **Rosie Kendall:** Well then it’s still a no :)

\---

1:27 A.M.

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Jon

 **Martin Blackwood:** Are you awake? 

**Martin Blackwood:** I know its late

 **Jonathan Sims:** I'm here

 **Martin Blackwood:** Of course 

**Martin Blackwood:** Silly question, haha

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin, what's wrong? 

**Martin Blackwood:** Couldnt sleep

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ive been thinking about the concert and about the avatars

 **Jonathan Sims:** was there a problem at rehearsal? I thought everyone was having a good time, but if there were any issues, I'll do what I can to sort them out

 **Martin Blackwood:** Oh nono no its not that!!

 **Martin Blackwood:** No they were all very nice

 **Martin Blackwood:** Its just that

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im the only lonely avatar

 **Martin Blackwood:** And im not even a proper avatar, ive just been marked a tiny bit 

**Martin Blackwood:** Like, daisy isnt fully hunt, but weve got julia as well

 **Martin Blackwood:** Theres that backup

 **Martin Blackwood:** But theres no full lonely avatar in the band

 **Jonathan Sims:** I suppose it is hard to get proper Lonely avatars to want to join a band of 20

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah I suppose :PP

 **Martin Blackwood:** But my point is

 **Martin Blackwood:** If you need the lonely to “shut the door” or whatever, and im the bands only connection to the lonely, and my connection to it is really weak

 **Martin Blackwood:** Will it work? Because this antiritual is so important i dont want to be the one who messes it up

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ive been stressing about it a bit

 **Martin Blackwood:** Well

 **Martin Blackwood:** Quite a lot actually

 **Martin Blackwood:** I think i need to strengthen my connection to the lonely for this to work properly

 **Martin Blackwood:** So

 **Martin Blackwood:** Fuck

 **Martin Blackwood:** I dont want to do this

 **Martin Blackwood:** But i think i need to isolate myself for a bit, until the concert

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im sorry

 **Jonathan Sims:** no

 **Jonathan Sims:** no no no 

**Jonathan Sims:** you are not doing that!

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ve already had the talk about being noble and self-sacrificing! Martin!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I will not let you sacrifice yourself to the Lonely!

 **Martin Blackwood:** I know what im doing, jon

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I trust you, but the fears... there’s no “this far and no further” with them

 **Jonathan Sims:** and the Lonely is a dangerous one.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m not going to lose myself to the Eye because I have you all as my anchor, Daisy isn’t going to lose herself to the Hunt because she has us

 **Jonathan Sims:** but the whole point of the Lonely is that it isolates you from the people who can help.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Its not like i want to do it!! But i dont know if there are any other options

 **Martin Blackwood:** And this is way too important to risk, you know that as well as i do

 **Jonathan Sims:** I know

 **Jonathan Sims:** fuck

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’ll miss you

 **Martin Blackwood:** Aw jon <33

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ill miss you too <333

 **Martin Blackwood:** But i think thats kinda the point

 **Jonathan Sims:** I trust you

 **Jonathan Sims:** I have to trust you

 **Jonathan Sims:** but I don’t like this.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah

 **Jonathan Sims:** don’t do anything tonight

 **Jonathan Sims:** whatever decision you make, it can wait until tomorrow.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I don’t know if there are any alternatives. but I’m damn well going to try to think of some.

 **Martin Blackwood:** :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Thank you

 **Jonathan Sims:** we’ll get through this.

 **Jonathan Sims:** but you should get some sleep

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah probably haha

 **Martin Blackwood:** You too

 **Martin Blackwood:** Xxx

 **Jonathan Sims:** xx

\---

7:02 A.M.

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin I’ve got it

 **Jonathan Sims:** !

 **Jonathan Sims:** I’m going to call you

 **Martin Blackwood:** Okay??? :)))

_Call: 24 min_

**Martin Blackwood:** Mkay i know i said it on the call but

 **Martin Blackwood:** You, mr sims, are a fucking genius

 **Jonathan Sims:** I do my best.

\---

_“too late ;)”_

**hell fall:** just so you all know

 **hell fall:** for personal reasons, Martin and I will not be putting money in the jar for being overly romantic in the office until the concert is over.

 **swirly whirly whirl:** ????? ok?

 **fluttery bye-byes:** i am intrigued

 **splashy splash time:** Can we tell them? Will it work if we tell them??

 **hell fall:** it should, if we do our job right

 **splashy splash time:** Oh im looking forward to that bit ;)))

 **shark slide:** what the fuck are you two planning

 **fluttery bye-byes:** ^^^^ seconded

 **fluttery bye-byes:** lads what are you up to???

 **fluttery bye-byes:** the jar is sacred?

 **splashy splash time:** Well i was worried about not being a proper lonely avatar and making the antiritual fail :///

 **splashy splash time:** So i was 

**splashy splash time:** Uhh

 **splashy splash time:** Gonna isolate myself from all you guys

 **splashy splash time:** So i could be more lonely

 **hell fall:** which I told him was a terrible idea.

 **toilet bowl:** fuckin good

 **toilet bowl:** marto were not letting u go

 **splashy splash time:** You dont have to :)))

 **splashy splash time:** Bc jon had a brilliant idea

 **hell fall:** we’re going to be That Couple

 **hell fall:** you know the one I mean.

 **Jungle Ride:** I’m... not sure I do?

 **hell fall:** oh, you will.

 **hell fall:** That Couple

 **hell fall:** who are so overly affectionate and crushingly Together that it makes you a) hate humanity in general, and b) feel very aware of how alone you are

 **hell fall:** we think that will sufficiently feed the Lonely.

 **fluttery bye-byes:** kadngjkgf

 **fluttery bye-byes:** i cannot believe

 **Jungle Ride:** Ah.

 **splashy splash time:** :)))))

\---

11:37 A.M.

_“fuck Elias: the band”_

**Jonathan Sims:** based on what we went over in rehearsal last night, I've pretty much solidified the running order for the concert

 **Jonathan Sims:** I'm still tweaking the lyrics, but this is how it should run. 

**Jonathan Sims:** [ https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UXUgL5yTEDhEDmtRJcc8RYrQRITVOXM_HZGCHBM-el0/edit?usp=sharing ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UXUgL5yTEDhEDmtRJcc8RYrQRITVOXM_HZGCHBM-el0/edit?usp=sharing)

**Jonathan Sims:** Nikola, can you pass it on to the other two?

 **[unknown]:** Will Do!

 **Jonathan Sims:** feel free to make changes on the document

 **Jonathan Sims:** but if all’s well there, I should have the script done by later today.

 **vriska (vriska):** Fantastic :)

\---

2:04 P.M.

_“hozier is Not the jonmartin litmus test”_

**Timothy Stoker:** hlep

 **Timothy Stoker:** i kno what they said abt being rly public but

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: Jon bending down as he passes Martin at his desk. Martin has tilted his head up, and they share a quick kiss. The photo is blurry, as if it’s been hastily snapped from the next desk over]

 **Timothy Stoker:** theyve done this every time jon goes past and its very adorable but my heart is sore

 **Sasha James:** aw tim

 **Timothy Stoker:** yeah :/

\---

 **_Alice Tonner_ ** _to_ **_Basira Hussain_ **

**Alice Tonner:** ngl i sometimes wish you and i felt comfortable enough for that

 **Basira Hussain:** I get what you mean

 **Basira Hussain:** It’s not that everyone else wouldn’t be supportive, they already are

 **Basira Hussain:** They’d give us shit, but lovingly

 **Basira Hussain:** But it’s not that, it’s just

 **Alice Tonner:** us?

 **Basira Hussain:** I’m not demonstrative that way, and neither are you

 **Basira Hussain:** Us, yeah

 **Alice Tonner:** we’re just not wired that way

 **Alice Tonner:** being like that in front of anyone

 **Basira Hussain:** Yeah

 **Basira Hussain:** But that’s what works for us

 **Alice Tonner:** yeah.

 **Alice Tonner:** we’ve got everything we need

 **Basira Hussain:** We do.

\---

 **_Melanie King_ ** _to_ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** miss u

 **Melanie King:** jon and martin are being v affectionate and it’s making me miss u

 **Georgie Barker:** aw hon <3

 **Melanie King:** am i good to come round tonight?

 **Georgie Barker:** ofc! any time!

 **Melanie King:** :-)

\---

_“hozier is Not the jonmartin litmus test”_

**Sasha James:** still, i guess it means its working, right?

 **Sasha James:** the whole lonely thing

 **Basira Hussain:** Which is good for the ritual

 **Sasha James:** exactly

 **Sasha James:** and it’s the safest way to do it, with the lonely

 **Timothy Stoker:** and it is v cute

 **Melanie King:** lol remember when we all thought the problem was the ust?

 **Melanie King:** they're disgustingly together now

 **Timothy Stoker:** yea look i reckon it is the lonely 

**Timothy Stoker:** iv never been this fuckin gloomy when mates have got together before? 

**Timothy Stoker:** bc platonic! relationships! are! just! as! important! as! romantic! ones! 

**Sasha James:** 100%!

 **Timothy Stoker:** just gotta get thru this lonely bullshit, then

 **Timothy Stoker:** well at least iv got smth to keep me occupied ;)

 **daisy:** oh no

 **Timothy Stoker:** >;D

\---

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** rosieeeee

 **Timothy Stoker:** cmon

 **Timothy Stoker:** u kno its gonna be hilarious

 **Timothy Stoker:** just imagine

 **Timothy Stoker:** ~~pigeons~~

 **Rosie Kendall:** ...you know what?

 **Rosie Kendall:** Fine

 **Rosie Kendall:** Go ahead

 **Rosie Kendall:** Good luck wildlife wrangling, pigeon boy

 **Timothy Stoker:** yesssssssssss

\---

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**_Rosie Kendall_ ** _sent a screenshot_

 **Rosie Kendall:** This has been my life since half past ten last night

 **Rosie Kendall:** I have many regrets

 **Sonja Zhao:** are you kidding? i don’t

 **Sonja Zhao:** this is going to be incredible

 **Rosie Kendall:** ...yeah it absolutely is :D

\---

4:04 P.M.

_“fuck Elias: the band”_

**Jonathan Sims:** alright.

 **Jonathan Sims:** it seems that the script has been finalised!

 **Jonathan Sims:** let me just attach it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the bonus content! This is the reason this chapter took a while--titling songs is (un)surprisingly Very Challenging,,,,, If there are any problems with accessing the set list, let me know! (And yes, the pre-concert stuff is compensation for entirely under-utilising the actual trained singers in this :P )  
> The next chapter will indeed be the full script! That was going to be bonus content too, but at 14 pages and counting, I think it deserves to be a full chapter. I hope I've piqued your interest enough with the hints in this chapter and the set list.... ;) It's about 75% done at the moment, so there shouldn't be that much longer to wait :D  
> Yes, I'm absolutely stringing this out so I can "fix" (read: make shitty jokes about) anything awful that happens in canon between now and the ending :P
> 
> Glitch text transcript:  
> well, the distortion is my domain, so i would be in ultimate control. i'd be fine, but it would be quite rude


	35. TFOJMAS Script and Lyrics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is!  
> I have so much respect for the Mechs and what they do, this shit is a Challenge and a half! That said, Jonny, if you see this and you're ever thinking of starting up the Mechs again, my door is always open :)))  
> Linked songs are the versions I personally listened to on loop while I was reworking them, but they are hardly definitive. Please imagine your own epic instrumentation and backing vocals to befit such a cool band :D  
> So, without further ado...

**Narration 1 - Aquarius**

**_Jon:_ ** _Our story opens on a small planet on the outskirts of a desolate galaxy, forlorn and unremarkable. The planet had a name once, as all planets do, but it has been long forgotten by all of its inhabitants. Still, the name can be found in one place, and one place alone--the Archive. They say that whoever knows a thing can control it, and nowhere is this more true than in the technological marvel that is the Archive, an experiment created by a civilisation eons ago to map and manipulate every speck of data about the planet, from its geography and geology to each citizen who lives upon it. In short, whoever controls the Archive controls the planet._

_And like all precious things, the Archive is guarded, and on its primary guardian our story now focuses. For centuries, the planet’s rulers have used the Archive to make life easier for their subjects, bringing light and water and life to the extent its powers grant, and have accepted the duty of ensuring its protection. But the current Queen, a scholar and warrior of great renown nicknamed “the Spear”, is weary after spending her life embroiled in a struggle to protect the Archive from the dark forces that seek to take it. She is not the first ruler of the planet to devote her life to the war that has raged for centuries, but she knows, deep in her bones, that she will be the last. If she cannot win, the Archive will fall, and her people with it._

_Already, guards are found dead, dying or disappeared as the attacks grow stronger and more frequent. There is barely any time left, and the Queen and her people know it._

*

**Fear and Blood and Pain**

(Based on [ Oak and Ash and Thorn ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr1CM_yw68c&ab_channel=TheLongestJohns))

**Nikola:** I guard and wield my planet's shield, the duty of my reign

But the Archive's use still can't cut loose this fear and blood and pain

**All citizens:** There’s fear and blood and pain and death

Repeated again and again

And every night, we hope there’s respite

From fear and blood and pain

**Jared:** The duty guards are gored and carved when at the castle they serve

By enemies who are trying to seize the Archive unpreserved

 **Andrew:** The crops we plant are beset by ants with cogs and wires for veins 

So all that we sow and all we can grow is fear and blood and pain

**All citizens:** There’s fear and blood and pain and death

Repeated again and again

And every night, we hope there’s respite

From fear and blood and pain (x2)

**Oliver:** The ones that go are those who know the Archive how to save

Some disappear when the fog draws near, some just go to the grave

 **Gerry and Michael:** With the Queen we track each mad attack, to guard the Archive our aim

But every trail is doomed to fail in fear and blood and pain

**All citizens:** There’s fear and blood and pain and death

Repeated again and again

And every night, we hope there’s respite

From fear and blood and pain (x2)

**Manuela:** I trace the signs these monsters leave, but all my testing fails

The results I get, I can’t believe--they’re from beyond some veil 

**Annabelle:** I searched my library wall to wall and found this hidden away

Use it wisely and save us all from fear and blood and pain

**All citizens:** There’s fear and blood and pain and death

Repeated again and again

And every night, we hope there’s respite

From fear and blood and pain (x4)

*

**Narration 2 - Pisces**

**_Jon:_ ** _The Queen’s librarian had found a book, buried deep within the stacks and shelves she looked after. It was old, from the earliest days of the attacks on the planet and its Archive--two centuries, at an estimate. And within its pages was a set of numbers, along with a note written in a crabbed, spidery hand, which promised communication with an entity from beyond the stars._

_The Queen knew that it was a shot in the dark. More, it was almost surely doomed to failure. It could even call down even greater destruction upon her planet. But there was nothing else she could do. So she took the tome, made heavy with age and the weight of her hopes, down to a chamber in the depths of her castle where an old door stood, hewn roughly from what seemed like yellow wood. Legend had it that the door could open a channel to another place, if the right words were spoken--a similar artefact to the technology of the Archive, created by the same civilisation. But nobody in living memory had ever opened the door to anything other than the inky void of space._

_Hoping that these numbers, this code, were the right words, the Queen opened the door and spoke._

*

**Bargain's Cost**

(Based on [ Roll Northumbria ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk3Wu5GPSaY&ab_channel=TheDreadnoughts-Topic))

**_Nikola (spoken, over the opening drumbeat):_ ** _One three seven four, six six five point nine, by eight one eight three, by two five one_

**Nikola:** I cry out for aid from wherever you are

Our planet's in torment from beyond our stars 

Help us to banish them back to afar

Cost whatever it may

I’m sending this out with royal authority

A call for support from whoe’er you may be

Help us, I beg you, and answer my plea

Cost whatever it may, I swear

Cost whatever it may

**_Jon (spoken):_ ** _And then, against all the Queen’s expectations, there was an answer._

**Basira:** I hear you, brave ruler, I'll come to your aid

I'll act to prevent every forthcoming raid

But as you're aware, there's a price to be paid

Cost whatever it may

You must sacrifice all the things you love best

What you value equally to this request

You knew that my help would come with a great test

Cost whatever it may, you swore

Cost whatever it may

**Nikola and** **_Basira_ **: Cause it's one to stop threats from above

Two to guard those that I ( _you_ ) love

And it's three for the Archive protecting our ( _your_ ) land

I'll make this deal with you

Cost whatever it may (x2)

**Nikola:** I understand, spirit, although my heart bleeds 

I can't put my pain before my planet's needs

I need this help, so to your terms I'll accede

Cost whatever it may

 **Basira:** Now I am bound to preventing your war

Bring all your offerings to this yellow door

And if you have doubts, just recall what you swore

Cost whatever it may, you swore

Cost whatever it may

**Nikola and** **_Basira_ **: Cause it's one to stop threats from above

Two to guard those that I ( _you_ ) love

And it's three for the Archive protecting our ( _your_ ) land

I'll make this deal with you

Cost whatever it may 

*

**Narration 3 - Gemini**

**_Jon:_ ** _The numbers themselves were nothing mystical, per se. They were in fact a set of coordinates, which a visitor from another world had somehow carelessly dropped during an exploratory mission. As luck would have it, the directed wormhole contained within the fabric of the door was exactly the sort of technology that could use those coordinates. And so the link connected, and the Queen found herself the successful second party to a very dubious contract made with the being that lurked on the other side of that yellow door._

_Personal cost aside, the bargain was working out well for the townsfolk. The attacks had lessened, and a faint, tentative optimism had crept into the atmosphere of the place. Could it last? Nobody was sure. But at least it was a reprieve._

*

**Deliverance**

(Based on [ The Wellerman ](https://xonar-verse.tumblr.com/post/639956834467332096/so-ive-seen-this-around-a-lot-and-i-always-felt))

**Mike:** I stood at my guarding post last night

The city all within my sight

To warn of any impending plight

But no foul thing did show

**All citizens:** Soon will deliverance come

To endless fear we did not succumb

We’ve stood through all these fiends have done

Our Queen has made them go

**Andrew:** The Queen has saved this ailing land

The Archive’s power can come to hand

She did not heed their cruel demand

To cast us down in woe

**All citizens:** Soon will deliverance come

To endless fear we did not succumb

We’ve stood through all these fiends have done

Our Queen has made them go

**Claire:** The crops are safe, my bees can feed

And nourish every flow’ring seed

This is the hope that we all need

This world can once more grow

**All citizens:** Soon will deliverance come

To endless fear we did not succumb

We’ve stood through all these fiends have done

Our Queen has made them go

**Jared:** No war was fought, no men were lost

It seems the enemy is quashed

For once, I didn’t count the cost

Of more fights ‘gainst the foe

**All citizens:** Soon will deliverance come

To endless fear we did not succumb

We’ve stood through all these fiends have done

Our Queen has made them go

**Agnes:** I know my love in every way

There’s more to this than she will say

There’ll be a price that she must pay

To give our world this hope

**All citizens:** Soon will deliverance come

To endless fear we did not succumb

We’ve stood through all these fiends have done

Our Queen has made them go

**Gerry:** We’ve not yet made a final peace

But all around, I see things ease

We’re able to rise off our knees

To now rebuild our home

**All citizens:** Soon will deliverance come

To endless fear we did not succumb

We’ve stood through all that these fiends have done

Our Queen has made them go (x2)

*

**Narration 4 - Taurus**

**_Jon:_ ** _So, things are getting better for our beleaguered townsfolk. However, there is a dark side to this new dawning of hope--and I've had a lot of experience with devil's bargains, so I would know. Actually, in this case, I really_ would _know. See, to go forward in this story, we need to rewind a few centuries. Back to a shitty little barfight on a shitty little planet, where Jonny d'Ville was stabbed through the heart, and died._

 _Of course, you can't keep a good Mechanism down for long. Whatever you heard about that fight was mostly exaggeration--but there is one grain of truth to it all. Jonny d'Ville did die that day--but I'd already changed my name once, so doing it another time really wasn't a hassle. So while_ Jonny d'Ville _suffered an inglorious and ignoble death,_ I _walked away just fine. Death was… decent enough, for a minute or so, but I wanted to get back to what I do best. Creating chaos and destruction, with like-minded people. Unfortunately, whenever you put a crew of people like us together, there’s always some... squabbling, over who gets the captain’s job. So when we found ourselves a nice little planet, and then found out there was a mythical mcguffin that could let one person control the whole thing, I could see that our spot of fun had the potential to solve our problem. So I proposed a bet..._

*

**Trial by Violence**

(Based on [ The Chemical Worker’s Song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edAxujKev1I&ab_channel=madeincanada29))

**All Mechs:** And it's go boys go

The Archive to command

Whoe'er can seize it gets to be

The leader of this band

So we go....

**Jon:** I set this challenge 'cause to me this pirate deal ain't new

When I win the bet I'll rightf'lly get to captain my own crew

 **Martin:** It’s hard to guard the Archive when the fog gets in your eyes

I’ll infiltrate and isolate til I can take the prize

**All Mechs:** And it's go boys go

The Archive to command

Whoe'er can seize it gets to be

The leader of this band

So we go....

**Sasha:** I used to once be Sasha, ‘fore they mechanised my brain

And I will win this Archive, so I’ll kill and kill again

 **Tim:** My name is C4 Tim and wild explosions are my game

To take this cup I’ll blow it up; the pieces I shall claim

**All Mechs:** And it's go boys go

The Archive to command

Whoe'er can seize it gets to be

The leader of this band

So we go....

**Melanie:** I know this bet is to decide who claims the captaincy

But just the thrill of every kill is prize enough for me

 **Daisy:** With metal claws and fangs I will exact my hunter's toll

The blood will run from anyone who flees from my control

**All Mechs:** And it's go boys go

The Archive to command

Whoe'er can seize it gets to be

The leader of this band

So we go....

**Basira:** It’s clear to me the Archive can’t be won by show of force

Seph Hades will forestall her crew--I’ve picked another course

I’ve treated with the Queen and a result I’ll surely see

Her friends, her love, her Archive she will sacrifice to me

**All Mechs:** And it's go boys go

The Archive to command

Whoe'er can seize it gets to be

The leader of this band

So we go.... (x2)

*

**Narration 5 - Aries**

**_Jon:_ ** _And there we were, our motley crew of seven. K, whose poetry and tragic past conceals a steel-forged, violent loneliness; the not-Sasha, our mechanist, whose brain was rebuilt after a fight to the death with her clone, the outcome of which none of us are sure of; C4 Tim, whose penchant for explosions reminds me of an old crewmate of mine, and whose accidentally-dropped piece of paper had set this latest mad scheme in motion; Hawkeye Mcqueen, whose mechanical eyes see slaughter the clearest of all; Nova o Blodyn, the infamous hunter, who has never let her prey get away from her; and Seph Hades, the ex-private eye and current ruthless pirate who was the one standing by our communications array when the Queen knocked on our door, and was now actively working against us to gain both the Queen’s trust and her Archive. And me, Jonny del Oculo. Really, the only choice for captain, considering how much experience I’ve had at this whole business, back on the Aurora._

_Speaking of ships, the Calliope had been sitting just outside this planet’s airspace for a couple of centuries now as we kept up our mostly-friendly rivalry over who would take the Archive first. And down on the planet below, it looked like Seph’s plan was working._

*

**Trust No More**

(Based on [ Off to Sea ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoL0GDHK29U&ab_channel=TheLongestJohns))

**Michael:** When first I landed in the capital, I pledged myself to the Queen

With purpose at last, I did what she asked, I helped with her every scheme

As her apprentice, I fought in vain the monsters that stalk our shore

And though sometimes I cried, I still felt her pride, and I’d go hunt the devils once more

Once more, once more, hunt the devils once more

And though sometimes I cried, I still felt her pride, and I’d go hunt the devils once more

I knew this task would be danger-fraught, for these monsters do not yield

And I knew they target the ones that guard our Archive, as its shield

But the Queen, she trusted me with its fate, and I trusted the oath I swore 

To protect our land, I’d obey her command, and I’d go with the Queen once more

Once more, once more, I’d go with the Queen once more

To protect our land, I’d obey her command, and I’d go with the Queen once more

She took me down to the castle's depths, where stood a portal square

And bade me knock, though e'en in my shock I knew it should not be there

But I was ever a trusting lad, and I opened up that door

And when I went through, it was then that I knew I’d never leave no more

No more, no more, I’d never leave no more

When I went through, it was then that I knew I’d never leave no more

I found myself in an endless maze of shifting, silent dark

There’s something here that’s drawn too near and left its awful mark

 **Michael and Helen together:** Though I yet live, I don’t know what makes up my twisted form

It was then that I wished that I was dead and would trust the Queen no more

No more, no more, trust the Queen no more

It was then that I wished that I was dead and would trust the Queen no more

If any back home hear my words, don’t spend a tear to mourn

This message is no sad lament, its purpose is to warn

Take my advice, run far away, don't you knock on that yellow door

Your life is worth more than to die as her pawn, so trust the Queen no more

No more, no more, trust the Queen no more

Your life is worth more than to die as her pawn, so trust the Queen no more

No more, no more, trust the Queen no more

My life was worth more than half-death as her pawn, so trust the Queen no more

*

**Narration 6 - Scorpio**

**_Jon:_ ** _Although Seph knew as soon as it happened, I only found out a while later that poor Michael had wandered aboard our ship. Unfortunately, this news only came after the nameless, shapeless, twisting thing that haunts the bowels of the Calliope discovered him first. He’s still alive, to an extent, although he’s become a part of... well, whatever the hell it is. Still, the thing seems happy, and we’re hardly going to get rid of it--it keeps to itself, and in any case, it’s more useful than the octokittens._

_The other people and things that came through the portal weren’t so lucky, if “lucky” really is the word for Michael’s fate. Most of the things that found themselves suddenly on board the Calliope just died._

_But the Queen was unmoved by whatever suffering she may have caused. She was feeding her allies to the yellow door as fast as she could, to continue the visible safety of her planet and its Archive--for true to her word, Seph was sabotaging our plans in return. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, goes the reasoning, and the burden of a Queen is to make the hard decisions on behalf of her people. Whatever pain it may have caused her was irrelevant, if the majority of her citizens were safe._

_But irrelevant or not, the Queen’s growing coldness caught had the attention of the one dearest to her. So one night, the Queen’s consort took her wife's hand, met her increasingly distant gaze, and sang._

*

**Crimson Thread**

(Based on [ Dacw 'nghariad ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrkgdj0bVAo&ab_channel=EveGoodman))

**Agnes:** I first saw you proud and golden

Caught in the fire of the dawn so long ago

And yet still now, my heart’s beholden

To fate’s crimson thread that between our souls did flow

E'en then I saw the need compel you

Driving you on, so I would tell you:

Trade your heavy crown for calm, let this place hold no more harm

Rest now, my love, find your safety in my arms

Through the years, you’ve fought so fiercely

You took up your burden and held it to you tight

That crimson thread that ties you to me

Gives us the strength to together make this right

Always, love, I’ll be your shelter

Through the chaos and storm and welter

Trade your heavy crown for calm, let this place hold no more harm

Rest now, my love, find your safety in my arms

With your deal, the war is ending

But until it’s done, I know you’ll still pay its toll

And your scarred heart, I feel it rending

Lay down this task, let our fate’s thread heal your soul

In your eyes, I see that needing

Though you’re distant, love, hear my pleading

Trade your heavy crown for calm, let this place hold no more harm

Rest now, my love, find your safety in my arms

*

**Narration 7 - Leo**

**_Jon:_ ** _It was the paradox of love, really. The Queen drew further away from her consort, hoping to save her from a sacrifice. But for every backwards step she took, her lover came a step forward to match it, wishing to support her Queen like she had always done in everything else. It was sweet, but ultimately futile, as the Queen was fast running out of alternative sacrifices she could make._

_The terms of her deal left no room to doubt or falter. But even so, she hesitated. There was one last option, she knew, although she didn’t want to confront it._

_And as she thought, her advisor came to her with a message._

*

**Dark Visions**

(Based on [ The Parting Glass ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zufPTLuShCU&ab_channel=HozierVEVO))

**Oliver:** Of any wisdom that e'er I had

I gave it unreservedly

And in all the times that e’er I’ve warned

I know, my Queen, you’ll hark to me

My visions come most every night

And darkest truth they do portend

I sadly share my gifts of sight

My Queen, they show your coming end

Of all the visions that e'er I had

Those thorny vines to death they grow

And of all the years that e’er I’ve served

I’ve sought to keep your path from woe

But if this path you seek to hold

Then I must warn what is foretold

Please, one last time, on me depend

My Queen, I see your coming end

*

**Narration 8 - Libra**

**_Jon:_ ** _A warning like that was dire from anyone, but the Queen’s advisor was touched with the Sight. His visions, wherever they came from, always rang true. And on top of that, he was level-headed, diplomatic, and possessed of a calm certainty in his decisions. He was not a person to ignore lightly. So the Queen heard him out, out of respect and courtesy, but his words were not news to her. Over the weeks since her bargain, she had found the way to protect her land, and that only came through the sacrifice--a purpose she focused on with a laser-like precision. And her advisor’s words merely served to clarify what she had long suspected--that the path she was on led to one clear ending. It meant anybody would be free to use the Archive’s power--but the bargain she had made left her with no alternative._

_Meanwhile, one last person had noticed what the Queen was becoming. Her named heir had been watching, and the changes he observed in his mentor made him not scared, but angry. But still, he had hope. Even if every other option had failed, he had trusted the Queen, and she had trusted him. There was at least the chance that if he said the right words, if he made the right argument, she would listen. Around him, he gathered a group of people who could support him--those who were left of the people that cared deeply for their monarch, who saw her as a person, not just a ruler. Her lover, her advisor, the most trusted and beloved of her staff. And with them behind him, the Queen’s heir went to confront the woman who raised him._

*

**Prosecution and Defence**

(Based on the first part of [ Cruel Wars ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgVWJkc5gXE&ab_channel=AlexandreSerighelli)) 

**Gerry:** My Queen, I used to admire your love

For the world we'd guard from the powers above

I knew how hard you found this fight

But I thought I could trust you to do what was right

But now your eyes are cold and your heart is too

Any help you had is cast asunder 

Your allies are dead and no tears did you shed 

Oh my lady, what have you done here? 

There has been a change behind your eyes

And the deaths that come seem like no surprise

The planet is safe, but of those who’d aid

And fought by your side? All have been betrayed

The rumours say that you made a deal

A double-headed bargain

The pact that you made had a price that you paid

Oh my lady, what have you done here? 

Whatever you’ve done, was it worth the cost?

When you cast your gaze back on all you’ve lost

We could have worked together against the fray

So you wouldn’t have to slice all you love away

The land now thrives but you’ve killed your own

Your protection they were under

Salvation's a lie when the price is this high

Oh my lady, what have you done here? 

**Nikola:** Our planet was in danger and you ask the price?

I will take that toll and I’ll pay it twice

There’s no room in my heart for regret and doubt

I will do whate’er I must to get these monsters out

The planet is safe, the cost is my own

Be glad it didn’t happen to you

You may think it’s cruel, that’s the price when you rule

No matter what it might do to you

**Gerry:** My Queen, I used to admire your love

For the world we'd guard from the powers above

I knew how hard you found this fight

But I thought I could trust you to do what was right

But now your eyes are cold and your heart is too

Any help you had is cast asunder 

Your allies are dead and no tears did you shed 

Oh my lady, what have you done here? 

*

**Narration 9 - Capricorn**

**_Jon:_ ** _Faced by this impromptu court, the Queen’s first instinct was to double down on her resolve. She had hardened her heart already, and could not allow herself to grieve what she had willingly lost. Up on the Calliope, we watched as the Queen’s eyes grew flinty and her hold on her gun grew tight, as privacy was just another one of the things she had sacrificed. We watched as she looked into the faces of the remaining people she cared for. We watched as she defended herself and the bargain she had made, at first spitting the words in anger, then growing softer with deepening realisation._

_And we watched as the Queen’s librarian stepped forward._

*

**The Archive**

(Based on [ Scarborough Fair/Canticle ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jj4s9I-53g&ab_channel=SimonGarfunkelVEVO))

**Annabelle:** I have been the cause of this violence

When you fight, you’re fighting for me

But I see hope in my final silence

With my death, you all will be free

The Archive’s soul is more than just data

 **_Nikola:_ ** _The Archive is bound to the life of a host_

When you fight, you’re fighting for me

_Interface guiding both Archive and user_

It lives in every thrum of my heartbeat

_Only the monarch is told of this secret_

With my death, you all will be free

_To use and to guard the machine and its soul_

I know every inch of this world

_If I gave myself, I would leave her unguarded_

When you fight, you’re fighting for me

_No more defence between her and the foe_

I see it all like a map unfurled

_This bargain was just one more way to get in_

With my death, you all will be free

Now I know there’s no other recourse

_While we’re still active I know they will come_

When you fight, you’re fighting for me

_I can’t let the Archive be taken for ill_

The risks outweigh the goal of my purpose

_My planet will have to survive on its own_

With my death, you all will be free

**Both:** I have been the cause of this violence

When you fight, you’re fighting for me

But I see hope in my final silence

With my death, you all will be free

*

**Narration 10 - Cancer**

**_Jon:_ ** _There is a room, deep within the heart of the Queen’s castle, that contains the numerous, ever-filling databanks that make up the body of the Archive as they keep collecting their information. The doors of the room have stood open for as long as anyone can remember, allowing the living Archive to come and go, and the signal of its machinery to permeate the planet. But the living Archive knows the room for what it truly is. A vault, which can be deadlock sealed from within and without, to prevent any from using the Archive for ill._

_If the vault is sealed, the signal will be cut, and the planet will act just as any other. The Queen’s control of the landscape will fail, and there will certainly be hardship. But if it remains open… It is clear that the entities that prey upon the planet will not leave while there’s still a hope of taking the Archive, and if it is taken, everyone knows that the consequences will be far worse than anything they could imagine. Both parts of the Archive--and the person who holds the key--have to be sealed away for the entities to leave. Sealed away eternally._

_The choice, and the sacrifice, as immense as it is, is really no choice at all. The Queen’s librarian, the living Archive, chosen to temper a machine’s power with a person’s understanding, takes one step, then another And as she steps into the vault, she looks back one last time on the people she has grown to know and love. The Queen herself joins her librarian a moment later, her face grim but peaceful, as her final sacrifice is chosen, not demanded._

*

**Finale 1: Shut the Door**

(Original melody, with vibes of [Red Signal](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPDDFdyKOgU&ab_channel=TheMechanisms) and [Ragnarok IV: Jormungandr](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE7v6jtUmsM&ab_channel=Mechanisms-Topic))

**_Jon (spoken, as the music builds):_ ** _And the Archive said:_

_“I am the one who sees all of this world. I am the Archive and the Archivist, this planet is in my blood and my bones, it is woven through every fibre of my being. It was mine to control and is mine to protect. And I will have none of this! I will not be used for evil, I will not be used to fuel the violence that comes from beyond! The powers that seek to control me will not be allowed a hold! This world will be safe from the pain and fear that has plagued us for so long! And I am not alone! Seal the vault! Shut the door to save our world!”_

_[Music cuts out]_

**_Jon:_ ** _The door closes. And their fate, much like the vault, is sealed._

_[Music starts again, gradually building. After each performer sings their line, they hum a note of the supporting chord, so the build is constant]_

**Claire:** No more disease and the bugs that come squirming 

**Michael and Helen:** No more of questions for madness confirming

 **Andrew:** No more of pressure and digging and dirt

 **Nikola:** No more unknowing, replacement and hurt

 **Melanie:** No more brutality, savage and violent

 **Martin:** No more of loneliness, creeping and silent

 **Jared:** No more blood dripping and cracking of bones

 **Agnes:** No more of fire and destruction of homes

 **Manuela:** No more of darkness and nightmares within it

 **Mike:** No more of void and the cosmos infinite

 **Annabelle:** No more of puppetry, dancing on strings

 **Oliver:** No more of fearing the end of all things

 **Daisy and Julia:** No more of stalking and rending and tearing 

**Jon, Gerry, Basira, Sasha and Tim:** No more of knowing and watching uncaring

**All:** We shut the door

We shut the door

To no more feed their ceaseless greed

We shut the door

**Archives staff:** Glutting on terror and feasting on panic

 **_Avatars:_ ** _No more_

Causing a fear that is brutal and manic

_No more_

This world was never your own for the taking

_We say_

In your own image with hope of remaking

_No more_

**All:** We shut the door

We shut the door

To no more feed their ceaseless greed

We shut the door

_[Break for potential metaphysical pyrotechnics. If nothing happens, let the silence breathe for a moment anyway]_

*

**Narration 11 - Virgo**

**_Jon:_ ** _We couldn’t see into the vault, but we could tell, even from the Calliope, that something had changed. Some signal, some faint but all-pervasive hum of machinery that had woven through every tiny part of this planet and its atmosphere, had fallen silent. The not-Sasha was the first of us to work out what had happened, as she cycled through the channels to pin down the Archive’s signal. But it was lost. Permanently, as far as we could see._

_There was no point in staying, if there was no longer any way to get to the Archive. The bet was off, and so we left. We still hadn’t decided on a captain--but the universe is big, and there are plenty of opportunities for violence just about everywhere else. Besides, after a good two hundred years, it was time for us to move on._

_I suppose, on a purely objective level, you have to admire what they did. They got what they wanted, after all--we weren’t going to come back, not with the whole point of our being there gone forever. And there was a dignity in the Queen and her Archive choosing their end, rather than dying with all remnants of choice stripped away from them. For people like us, who will keep going forever, there’s something to be said for a good death._

_They would have to find some new way of life, a way to rebuild without the Archive’s powers. So we turned away and left them to it._

*

**Finale 2: Silent Records**

(Based on [ Ashes ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crq-qc_r6Jk&ab_channel=TheLongestJohns))

**Manuela:** As the door shuts, dies the sound of our world

That through all the land and the air wove and curled

There’s no subtle hum, there is only the quiet

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

**Andrew:** Inside the vault grows finality's seed

One last sacrifice so our world could be freed

No more can we stay on their power reliant

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

**Mike:** The Queen and the Archive both gave of their all

Our lives and our freedom are bought with their fall

We must remember and laud their defiance

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

**Gerry:** Lost are the records that told of our past

And futures that by those old hist'ries were classed

We must now rely on our own kind of guidance

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

**Oliver:** But though it is hard, there is hope to rebuild

In peace, we can see all our hope be fulfilled

No more will the call sound to draw in the violent

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

There’s hush in the air...

**Agnes:** How to rebuild when the cost is this heavy?

In honour, and thanks for the life we now lead

Our tears must be shed, but the future looks brighter

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

 **All:** There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

There’s hush in the air, for the Archive is silent

*

**Encore: Archive the Thing**

(Based on [ Hoist Up the Thing ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaEXyQg7pCc&ab_channel=TheLongestJohns))

**Jon:** Fresh out of college, with grades straight from hell

I browsed for a trade at which I could excel

An ad for an archive in need of some filing

Well, I like to research, so I’m glad they’re hiring

What luck, says I, to find such good fortune!

A few white lies later, I ran down the stairs

Bought a few tapes and a cardie or two

Sat in my office, then yelled at the crew:

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it!

Staple that page! (That's not right!) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

I don’t know the order to file these away

And Martin let in a dog on our first day

Why did Gertrude shove all these files in a box?

They’re all jumbled up, was her head full of rocks? 

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it!

Staple that page! (That's not right!) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control!

There’s worms all about, and a mystery door

I’ve been kidnapped loads, but I don’t know what for

Now there’s cops in the archives, and Melanie’s knives

The way this is going, how will I survive?

But I’ve got Tim and Sasha, and Melanie too

Basira and Daisy, my great archives crew

And Martin, my rock, whose tea is the best

Come on, you bastards, let’s clean up this mess!

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it!

Staple that page! (That's not right!) Now I've got it!

Trust me, I'm in control! (x3)

Archive the thing! File away the whatsit!

Why’s that not working? I should tape-record it! (BLOODY HELL!)

Staple that page! (These are ancient!) Now I've got it! (Screaming)

Trust me, I'm in control! (MUMMY!)

Trust me, I'm in control!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who gave me sea shanties and folk songs a couple of chapters ago! In addition to giving me the building blocks for this entire concert, you gave me a whole lot of awesome music to listen to, which I'm very grateful for :D  
> A very special thank you has to once again go to my writing buddy timepatches. This concert has been through about half a dozen different incarnations since late last year, and she has weathered a constant stream of messages like "help I'm writing songs now", "hang on, what if I flipped the script and made the archives staff the entities?", "I found it! I finally found Michael's song!", "internal rhyme can go fuck off", and "oops, I seem to have added another song" with the grace and patience of a saint. Thank you, babe <33  
> (Also, go check out her AA narumitsu fics if you want some good times :D)  
> We'll be returning to your regularly scheduled chatfic shenanigans (now with extra pigeons!) next chapter, but thank you all for reading! This is my one opportunity to slip in some purple prose (and to get bonked over the head by the spirit of Jonny d'Ville in the process, as it turned out), and I had a great time, so I hope you all enjoyed it! <33


	36. the calliope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **splashy splash time:** Hey guys, has anyone seen tim??? I know i got in late and all but i havent seen him all morning :///  
>  **splashy splash time:** Or melanie, actually  
>  **hell fall:** I haven’t seen them either, dear  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** lol  
>  **fluttery bye-byes:** trust me, they’re both around  
>  **Jungle Ride:** Actually Tim’s been here since before I got in  
>  **Jungle Ride:** I can see your face from over here, Martin, and believe me, I was as surprised as you are  
>  **swirly whirly whirl:** oh yeah we’re here  
>  **splashy splash time:** What are you up to???  
>  **swirly whirly whirl** : well, i’m fulfilling my duties as official archives videographer :-)  
>  **swirly whirly whirl:** i reckon we’ll all want to save this  
>  **swirly whirly whirl:** as for tim,,,,,,  
>  **swirly whirly whirl:** well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pigeon time! Pigeon time! Pigeon time!

Friday, 4:31 P.M.

_“fuck Elias: the band”_

**Sasha James:** yessssssssss

 **Basira Hussain:** Oh you guys ended up going with the SF/Canticle version, nice

 **Basira Hussain:** I think I’d ducked out when you decided that

 **Melanie King:** it was a truly necessary snacks run u went on, tho

 **Basira Hussain:** Cheers

 **Sasha James:** also jon, that narration??? 

**Sasha James:** like i know we talked about it, but seeing it actually written down is just 

**Sasha James:** mwah *chef’s kiss*

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you

 **Jonathan Sims:** I didn’t expect to find the Jonny d’Ville voice again so easily, but there we go

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, Jonny del Oculo

 **Timothy Stoker:** a new name and a new crew

 **Timothy Stoker:** but ur still not the captain! ;)

 **Jonathan Sims:** are you challenging me, Timothy?

 **Jonathan Sims:** is this a fight you really want to start?

 **Timothy Stoker:** just try me, first mate >;)

 **Jonathan Sims:** it might not have been resolved in this plot, but I guarantee I will end up as captain

 **Jonathan Sims:** with my experience, it’s the only way that makes sense.

\---

 **_Sasha James_ ** _to_ **_Melanie King_ **

**Sasha James:** bets on how long it takes for tim to rename the chat?

 **Melanie King:** oh, within the next 24 hours, surely

 **Sasha James:** hmm

 **Sasha James:** see, he said he had something to keep himself occupied

 **Sasha James:** which i’ll admit is v concerning

 **Sasha James:** but it might distract him for a little

 **Melanie King:** agreed

 **Melanie King:** but he’s gotta rename it

 **Melanie King:** that’s just like

 **Melanie King:** a law of the universe

 **Sasha James:** oh ofc

 **Melanie King:** fiver on it? i’m certain it’ll be today

 **Sasha James:** oh so you’re making this an actual bet, hmmmm?

 **Sasha James:** i accept unreservedly

 **Melanie King:** i look forward to taking ur fiver, ms james

 **Sasha James:** not if i take yours first, ms king!

\---

_"fuck Elias: the band"_

**Basira Hussain:** Well, technically, if we’re going by this plot, I should be captain

 **Basira Hussain:** Seph’s plan came the closest to getting an actual result :)

 **Jonathan Sims:** your plan was the one that made the bet unwinnable forever, so your point is what, exactly?

 **Jonathan Sims:** and I was suspected of throwing one captain out of the airlock, I’ll do the same again

 **vriska (vriska):** Presidential alert: the girls are fightingggg

 **Martin Blackwood:** Pfffft annabelle :’)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin!

 **Jonathan Sims:** I trusted you! and you side with Annabelle!

 **Jonathan Sims:** Martin, my dear heart, will you at least support me in my rightful bid for the captaincy?

 **Martin Blackwood:** Im a mech in my own right, jon, ive got just as much claim to the captaincy as you

 **Martin Blackwood:** Just bc i love you doesnt mean ill stand back and not fight for it :)))

 **Jonathan Sims:** I cannot believe

 **Jonathan Sims:** betrayed, by my own Martin.

 **Jonathan Sims:** I am packing my little rucksack and running away. I can no longer thrive in this household.

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ahahahahaha :’’’’D

 **Martin Blackwood:** Love you too <333

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** So

 **Martin Blackwood:** Even tho we arent agreed on who should be captain

 **Jonathan Sims:** well, it's clearly me

 **Martin Blackwood:** Not necessarily :))

 **Martin Blackwood:** But were agreed that tims going to rename the archives chat to all the mechs names?

 **Jonathan Sims:** definitely. 

**Jonathan Sims:** I don't need to be an avatar of the Beholding to know that

 **Martin Blackwood:** :'''D

\---

_"fuck Elias: the band"_

**vriska (vriska):** Also, Jon, I see you haven’t trusted me with the antiritual

 **vriska (vriska):** Even though we all worked on the group part of it together

 **vriska (vriska):** It’s still “the Archive said”, rather than letting the Archive actually say

 **Jonathan Sims:** that is correct

 **Jonathan Sims:** for multiple reasons.

 **Jonathan Sims:** 1) I’m the actual archivist/archive, according to El*as’s plans, so it makes sense for me to be the one to counteract it

 **Jonathan Sims:** 2) on the same note, his ritual was going to use the Eye to bring everything through, so the Eye should cancel it out. and I really don’t want the Web to be the key part of the antiritual

 **vriska (vriska):** I see why you would think that

 **Jonathan Sims:** thank you.

 **Jonathan Sims:** and 3), I haven’t done this sort of thing for about ten years, and I didn’t realise how much I missed it until now

 **Jonathan Sims:** so you will pry the ominous chanting from my cold, dead hands.

 **[unknown]:** If The Energy Is Like This Now, I Can’t Wait For The Concert!

 **[unknown]:** :oD

 **Timothy Stoker:** for once, nikola, u and i r in complete agreement

 **Timothy Stoker:** god im so psyched to b a space pirate :D

\---

 **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to_ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** Okay, so Tim's going to rename the chat

 **Alice Tonner:** yep

 **Basira Hussain:** But he's also doing something else

 **Basira Hussain:** Whatever the fuck that is

 **Basira Hussain:** So the real q is:

 **Basira Hussain:** Which takes priority? 

**Basira Hussain:** I’m guessing the chat, it’ll only take a minute

 **Alice Tonner:** and this is why i was the detective and you were just a constable

 **Basira Hussain:** Hey

 **Alice Tonner:** sit down and listen to your superior officer

 **Basira Hussain:** I hate you

 **Alice Tonner:** :)

 **Alice Tonner:** now, consider the individual

 **Alice Tonner:** tim can be scatty, sure, but when he’s focused on something, he’s Focused

 **Alice Tonner:** whatever this is, i get the feeling that it’s something big

 **Alice Tonner:** the chat renaming is gonna have to wait

 **Basira Hussain:** ...If you’re sure

 **Alice Tonner:** 100%

 **Basira Hussain:** Because I know Tim as well as you do, and I know how much he likes to set nicknames

 **Alice Tonner:** nah, i got this

 **Basira Hussain:** Bet? Winner gets first dibs on El*as when the inevitable fistfight happens

 **Alice Tonner:** you’re on

\---

Monday, 9:01 A.M.

_“too late ;)”_

**swirly whirly whirl:** okay lads it’s officially After Nine

 **swirly whirly whirl:** not to sound like jake peralta (that’s tim’s job), but the power couple are officially late

 **swirly whirly whirl:** has jon ever been late to this job in his life?

 **fluttery bye-byes:** not as far as i can recall

 **Jungle Ride:** I fucking swear, if they’re late because they’ve been too cuddly this morning

 **splashy splash time:** Ahahaha no no no guys i was just about to message

 **splashy splash time:** Im genuinely running late

 **splashy splash time:** Victoria line is slightly buggered and the next train is in like 15 min :(((

 **Jungle Ride:** Ah

 **Jungle Ride:** My mistake, then

 **Jungle Ride:** Sorry, Martin!

 **splashy splash time:** Nw :)))

 **splashy splash time:** Honestly considering just walking ://///

 **hell fall:** I’m on my way!

 **hell fall:** literally coming down the stairs now

 **swirly whirly whirl:** was there a line at the bank?

 **hell fall:** what? no

 **hell fall:** I stopped off at Tesco to pick up some teabags

 **hell fall:** there was a line there, though

 **hell fall:** it seems like the entire population of London was at that particular Tesco at that particular time, just to spite me.

 **splashy splash time:** Aw love :(((

 **fluttery bye-byes:** ah yes

 **fluttery bye-byes:** queueing, the great british tradition

 **hell fall:** precisely. at least I’m here now, though.

 **splashy splash time:** :)))

 **splashy splash time:** Okay ive worked out a bus route, i should be there soon :)))

 **fluttery bye-byes:** :)

\---

9:43 A.M.

 **splashy splash time:** Hey guys, has anyone seen tim??? I know i got in late and all but i havent seen him all morning :///

 **splashy splash time:** Or melanie, actually

 **hell fall:** I haven’t seen them either, dear

 **fluttery bye-byes:** lol

 **fluttery bye-byes:** trust me, they’re both around

 **Jungle Ride:** Actually Tim’s been here since before I got in

 **Jungle Ride:** I can see your face from over here, Martin, and believe me, I was as surprised as you are

 **swirly whirly whirl:** oh yeah we’re here

 **splashy splash time:** What are you up to???

 **swirly whirly whirl:** well, i’m fulfilling my duties as official archives videographer :-)

 **swirly whirly whirl:** i reckon we’ll all want to save this

 **swirly whirly whirl:** as for tim,,,,,,

 **swirly whirly whirl:** well.

 **swirly whirly whirl:** a direct quote from the man himself: “i’m the pigeon master!!”

 **Jungle Ride:** So that’s what it is :/

 **shark slide:** told ya it’d be big

 **Jungle Ride:** Hmm

 **splashy splash time:** Oh no

 **splashy splash time:** Where are you???

 **swirly whirly whirl:** we’re out in the back courtyard

 **swirly whirly whirl:** i’m filming

 **swirly whirly whirl:** tim is rapidly descending into chaos

 **splashy splash time:** Omggggg

\---

 **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _to_ **_Rosie Kendall_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** No

 **Martin Blackwood:** Rosie tell me you didnt

 **Rosie Kendall:** Unfortunately, I know exactly what you’re talking about

 **Rosie Kendall:** And I did :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Whyyyyy???

 **Martin Blackwood:** I mean, if he succeeds, its going to be fucking amazing

 **Martin Blackwood:** But hes trying to catch pigeons, rosie!! He cant catch pigeons, theyre pigeons!!

 **Rosie Kendall:** I know :D

 **Rosie Kendall:** I’m watching him on the security camera, it’s hilarious

 **Martin Blackwood:** Yeah but then hes going to be ridiculously dramatically sad and were all gonna have to put up with it :///

 **Rosie Kendall:** That sounds like an archives problem :)

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ooof, thats cold :’’’D

 **Rosie Kendall:** Ahaha, he pestered me for a solid ten hours as soon as I accepted his friend request

 **Rosie Kendall:** (I know, that one’s on me, but I mostly don’t regret it :) )

 **Rosie Kendall:** But I’m enjoying seeing him get his heart’s desire and have a real bad time with it

 **Rosie Kendall:** You’re welcome to come up and watch him run around chasing pigeons if you want!

 **Martin Blackwood:** Ahahahaha nah ill wait, melanies filming it :D

 **Rosie Kendall:** Oh, of course :D

\---

 **_Rosie Kendall_ ** _to_ **_Sonja Zhao_ **

**Rosie Kendall:** Want to come up and watch archives Tim chase pigeons on CCTV?

 **Sonja Zhao:** only every single second of every single day

 **Sonja Zhao:** I’m omw

 **Rosie Kendall:** :D

\---

_“too late ;)”_

**splashy splash time:** Tim i cannot believe rosie okayed you to go through with this :’)))

 **toilet bowl:** oh she definitely didnt want to

 **toilet bowl:** but i wore her out :D

 **toilet bowl:** and that is okay! bitchard Will have an officeful of pigeons and i dont care about the specifics

 **toilet bowl:** ends justify means, babey!

 **shark slide:** and how are those ends going, stoker?

 **toilet bowl:** look

 **toilet bowl:** look.

 **toilet bowl:** i am an endurance predator

 **toilet bowl:** im gonna get them eventually

 **toilet bowl:** they will tire and i will strike

 **swirly whirly whirl:** read: it’s not going well

 **shark slide:** pff

 **shark slide:** good fucking luck

 **toilet bowl:** i know that’s partly sarcastic, but i will take ur good wishes

 **hell fall:** yes, good luck.

 **hell fall:** genuinely, I mean it

 **hell fall:** I need to see El*as bepigeoned

 **hell fall:** and it turns out the archives are far more productive if you’re not here!

 **swirly whirly whirl:** ooooooo 

**fluttery bye-byes:** adgkdkhs savage :’D

 **toilet bowl:** boss i am wounded D:

 **hell fall:** :)

 **splashy splash time:** You just used an emoji!!! Love!!! Im so proud of you :D

 **hell fall:** it happens, occasionally

 **toilet bowl:** anyway im Not giving up

 **toilet bowl:** and i actually have a plan

\---

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _to_ **_[unknown]_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** hey nikola

 **[unknown]:** Tim? 

**[unknown]:** Of All The Archives Staff, I Really Didn’t Expect You To Be The One To Contact Me

 **[unknown]:** But Hello There! :o)

 **Timothy Stoker:** yea look me too tbh

 **Timothy Stoker:** ur fun and a good singer and ur entirely down to fuck w bitchard so thats always a plus, but im still not entirely comfy round u

 **[unknown]:** I Do Regret What Happened To Your Brother

 **[unknown]:** If I Knew Then That I’d Be In A Band With You Now, I Would Have Made Sure Nothing Happened To Him

 **[unknown]:** I Wasn't Quite As Much Of A Person Then As I Am Now

 **Timothy Stoker:** that is Not as helpful as ya think it is, champ

 **Timothy Stoker:** still, i have a healthy relationship w my trauma thanks to a Lot of therapy so ur good to be u ig

 **Timothy Stoker:** and ur not straight-out evil, ur like

 **Timothy Stoker:** ur a plastic mannequin who does avatar things bc thats what animates u? u act according to ur nature, plus definitely since the band happened uv been more chill

 **Timothy Stoker:** i keep telling the bossman that its an avatar support group and im right

 **Timothy Stoker:** so basically yea im still wary but i dont hate u

 **[unknown]:** I’m Very Happy To Hear That You Don’t Hate Me, Tim!

 **[unknown]:** But This Still Begs The Question As To Why You’re Messaging Me

 **Timothy Stoker:** o yea

 **Timothy Stoker:** i need to put my personal wariness aside for a greater cause

 **[unknown]:** I’m Very Interested

 **Timothy Stoker:** so, u know all the avatars in the greater london area, right?

 **[unknown]:** Pretty Much, Yes!

 **Timothy Stoker:** fab

 **Timothy Stoker:** do u know any avatars who have anything to do w pigeons?

 **[unknown]:** What?

 **Timothy Stoker:** im guessing thatd be corruption maybe?

 **Timothy Stoker:** considering the whole “diseased feathered rats” deal

 **Timothy Stoker:** but yea

 **Timothy Stoker:** i need some pigeon-based help

 **[unknown]:** I’m Not Usually Nonplussed

 **[unknown]:** But You’ve Really Got Me Here!

 **[unknown]:** Why Do You Need Pigeon-Based Help?

 **Timothy Stoker:** to get them from the back courtyard into bitchards office >;)

 **[unknown]:** Oh!

 **[unknown]:** Say No More! :oD

 **[unknown]:** I’ll Be There As Soon As I Can >:o)

\---

10:29 A.M.

_“too late ;)”_

**swirly whirly whirl:** so anyway tim’s enlisted help

 **swirly whirly whirl:** nikola and some random woman have just come into the courtyard, i have no idea how they got past reception

 **swirly whirly whirl:** anyway this chick hasn't even introduced herself but she's like

 **swirly whirly whirl:** communing with the pigeons

 **shark slide:** how is it going?

 **swirly whirly whirl:** better than before

 **swirly whirly whirl:** significantly better than before actually

 **shark slide:** good

 **shark slide:** i’m gonna head out, then

 **Jungle Ride:** Why?

 **Jungle Ride:** Oh, never mind, I got it

 **Jungle Ride:** Good thinking

 **Jungle Ride:** To make it more convincing, is it anyone’s birthday in the institute? Preferably in the library, or somewhere far away

 **fluttery bye-byes:** oooh, or artefact storage, if poss

 **fluttery bye-byes:** i know it’s too much to hope for, but if el*as can get distracted by cake to an extent where he gets mauled by an artefact?? that would be incredible

 **fluttery bye-byes:** maybe he’ll sit on the ctep to eat it.......

 **splashy splash time:** Im sure i dont want to know, but whats the ctep, sash?

 **fluttery bye-byes:** the chair that eats people :)

 **splashy splash time:** I did not in fact want to know :)))) 

**splashy splash time:** Fab

 **fluttery bye-byes:** yeah sonja named it that after, shockingly, it ate someone

 **fluttery bye-byes:** not completely, but poor lou got rather munched around the arse area

 **fluttery bye-byes:** vale lou’s arse

 **swirly whirly whirl:** rip in pieces

 **fluttery bye-byes:** one of the many tragedies of artefact storage

 **fluttery bye-byes:** wait fuck el*as used to work there

 **fluttery bye-byes:** fuck

 **fluttery bye-byes:** he’s gonna be cautious around the artefacts, shitdamn

 **Jungle Ride:** We still don’t know if there’s any reason to send the cake there

 **Jungle Ride:** Not to be a party pooper, but it could all just be wishful thinking

 **fluttery bye-byes:** granch

 **fluttery bye-byes:** true

 **fluttery bye-byes:** right then i’m gonna hack the employee database

 **splashy splash time:** Or we could just ask jon????

 **splashy splash time:** Jon, my love, does anyone in the institute have a birthday today??

 **hell fall:** just a second

 **hell fall:** yes, luckily

 **hell fall:** nobody in artefact storage, unfortunately, although Irlina will be having a retirement party in a couple of weeks

 **fluttery bye-byes:** aw, irlina’s lovely

 **fluttery bye-byes:** fun fact, she’s the one who told me about folding your plastic bags into triangles to make them easier to store

 **shark slide:** :thumbs up emoji:

 **fluttery bye-byes:** probably good that she wasn’t having anything on today, i wouldn’t want to sic el*as on her

 **hell fall:** I suppose not.

 **shark slide:** i’m at the bakery, who do i get the cake addressed to?

 **hell fall:** oh, right

 **hell fall:** Stephen

 **fluttery bye-byes:** is that research stephen or hr stephen?

 **hell fall:** HR Stephen

 **fluttery bye-byes:** oh it’s his birthday? nice

 **fluttery bye-byes:** i’ve literally spoken to him twice in the entire time i’ve worked here

 **Jungle Ride:** Honestly I had no idea we even had an HR department

 **Jungle Ride:** I mean, on a purely theoretical level, yes, I looked into it before I signed the contract

 **Jungle Ride:** But after starting here, I very quickly came to the conclusion that it probably wasn’t real

 **Jungle Ride:** Just something on the website like the lure of an anglerfish

 **Jungle Ride:** A little bobbing light that says “come work here! We’ll look after you with employee benefits!”

 **Jungle Ride:** Makes sense if the boss is from the 1800s, he wouldn’t care about actual human resources except as a way to pretend like he’s just a normal 21st century boss

 **fluttery bye-byes:** nah they’re real

 **fluttery bye-byes:** they mostly deal with artefact storage people lol

 **hell fall:** yes, trust me, HR is very much a real department

 **hell fall:** it’s where all the complaints I got came from.

 **hell fall:** as per El*as’s monthly pilgrimage down to the archives to tell me how I offended yet another statement giver.

 **swirly whirly whirl:** :-)

 **swirly whirly whirl:** i can attest to that :-)

 **hell fall:** you never gave a formal complaint, did you?

 **swirly whirly whirl:** nah, i never ended up doing it, but believe me, the couple of days after u took my statement, i def considered it

 **hell fall:** ...that sounds about right.

 **swirly whirly whirl:** yep u were a prick back then but so was i a bit

 **swirly whirly whirl:** we’ve all learnt and grown as people

 **swirly whirly whirl:** bonding thru adversity and hatred for the hell boss

 **shark slide:** amen to that

 **hell fall:** quite so

 **swirly whirly whirl:** speaking of the hell boss, daisy are u nearly back?

 **swirly whirly whirl:** tim and his new pigeon corruption avatar best friend have a Lot of pigeons now and we’re ready to deploy whenever u are

 **shark slide:** nearly there, i’ll be back in a couple of minutes

 **hell fall:** I’ll keep an eye on his office camera

 **hell fall:** I’ll let you know when he’s left.

 **swirly whirly whirl:** fab

 **swirly whirly whirl:** legit tho the amount of pigeons this chick has managed to attract is slightly insane

 **swirly whirly whirl:** look

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: a woman with nondescript brown hair and a slightly grubby grey coat, facing away from the camera. She has amassed a large flock of pigeons in front of her, pecking around with interest.]

 **splashy splash time:** Omgg

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a photo_

[Image ID: Tim is grinning madly and proudly holding a pigeon with both hands. The pigeon, inasmuch as a pigeon can, has an expression of polite tolerance.]

 **swirly whirly whirl:** i’ve never seen him this happy

 **swirly whirly whirl:** this is gonna be amazing

 **splashy splash time:** Ohoho i cannot wait >:)))

\---

10:44 A.M.

 **shark slide:** and the cake is on its way, courtesy of rosie

 **hell fall:** wonderful.

 **hell fall:** El*as should be leaving his office in... five

 **hell fall:** four

 **hell fall:** three

 **hell fall:** two

 **hell fall:** one

 **hell fall:** ...and there he goes.

 **fluttery bye-byes:** yesssss

 **fluttery bye-byes:** go timbo go!

\---

11:03 A.M.

_“elias bitchard the ceaseless wanker”_

**elias hater #0:** I’m watching the cameras

 **elias hater #0:** fantastic work.

 **elias hater #4:** thank u, jonathan

 **elias hater #4:** live from the office: 

**_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: A shot of Tim standing in the doorway of Elias’s office, still holding the pigeon from before. He kisses the pigeon gently on the head, whispers “make daddy Tim proud,” and lets it go. The pigeon flies into the office to join its brethren, and the camera follows it into a scene of chaos. Elias’s expensive furniture is covered by pigeons, pecking at the soft furnishings, and knocking over his minimalistic knickknacks and executive toys. The camera zooms in on one pigeon in the process of leaving its business on the back of Elias’s chair. Video ends.]

 **elias hater #2:** that’s fucking incredible

 **elias hater #2:** tim you’re a legend

 **elias hater #3:** tell me urself

 **elias hater #4:** wait what the fuck

 **elias hater #4:** tim where in the hell did u go

 **elias hater #3:** ;)

 **elias hater #6:** He’s back in the archives

 **elias hater #1:** Ive never seen a human being move so fast???

 **elias hater #3:** its a gift

 **elias hater #3:** i so so badly need to see what happens

 **elias hater #0:** Melanie, I recommend you leave too

 **elias hater #0:** at speed.

 **elias hater #0:** I think he’s on his way back

 **elias hater #4:** fuck i’m out

\---

11:18 A.M.

 **elias hater #3:** i present

 **elias hater #3:** my masterpiece

 **elias hater #0:** that. was pure perfection.

 **elias hater #5:** i was focused on the screen, was someone recording for posterity?

 **elias hater #0:** naturally.

 **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: a shot of security camera-style video footage, as displayed on a laptop. The camera is one of the ones in Elias’s office, and it shows the door slowly swing open as Elias steps in. For a second, everything seems normal, before he registers exactly what is going on. The camera focuses on his face with remarkable clarity, and the expression of dawning horror on his face is starkly visible. He covers his head with his hands, rushing over to the window on the far wall to open it, with the hope of shooing the pigeons out. Even though he’s flapping his smart jacket at them for expressly that purpose, the pigeons remain resolutely unshooed, choosing instead to make Elias the centre of a pigeon-based maelstrom. While there is no sound on the feed, it’s clear from his body language that with each flap of his jacket, he’s making noises of well-bred disgust, and almost fear, whenever a pigeon draws close. They eventually leave, but not without leaving their marks--the formerly-immaculate office is now a complete mess, and Elias’s jacket is streaked with the calling cards of the intestinally insecure. As a matter of fact, one pigeon has even managed to void itself directly over his head, and the mess is perilously close to dripping into his eye. Throughout the video, the cackles of the archival staff are loud and clear. Video ends.]

 **elias hater #2:** jesus fuck timberley i nearly wet myself

 **elias hater #3:** mmmmmmmm

 **elias hater #3:** im never gonna top this

 **elias hater #3:** dont talk to me for the rest of the day im just gonna bask in the glow of pure and complete success

\---

9:47 P.M.

_“too late ;)”_

**swirly whirly whirl:** just in case ur head was getting too big, tim

 **swirly whirly whirl:** u're welcome

 **_Melanie King_ ** _sent a video_

[Video ID: a compilation of clips of Tim chasing after pigeons, with degrees of success ranging from “very little” to “absolutely none”.] 

**toilet bowl:** look even that Cannot bring down my mood after seein bitchard get shat upon

 **toilet bowl:** what a day, babes

 **toilet bowl:** what a mf day

 **toilet bowl:** wait how have i not done this yet

 **toilet bowl:** weve got a legit thing now and all

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _renamed the chat “the calliope”_

 **_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Jonathan Sims_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_jonny del oculo_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Sasha James_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_not-sasha_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Martin Blackwood_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_k_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Melanie King_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_hawkeye mcqueen_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Alice Tonner_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_nova o blodyn_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed_ **_Basira Hussain_ ** _’s nickname to_ **_seph hades_ **

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _changed his nickname to_ **_c4 tim_ **

**c4 tim:** there we go

 **not-sasha:** :D

\---

 **_Sasha James_ ** _to_ **_Melanie King_ **

**Sasha James:** :D

 **Sasha James:** pay up! pay tf up!

 **Melanie King:** dammit

\---

 **_Basira Hussain_ ** _to_ **_Alice Tonner_ **

**Basira Hussain:** Guess you were right

 **Alice Tonner:** always am

 **Alice Tonner:** even with the eye, the fucker won’t know what hit him

 **Alice Tonner:** (it’ll be me)

 **Basira Hussain:** Sad I lost the bet

 **Basira Hussain:** Very happy that you’re gonna deck him

\---

Tuesday, 9:52 A.M.

_“the calliope”_

**jonny del oculo:** I’ve just had a thought

 **jonny del oculo:** would anyone mind unduly if I invited the members of the old Mechs to the concert?

 **jonny del oculo:** we’ve all gone different ways with our lives, but I'm sure they’d be interested in this

 **k:** For sure!!! :))))

 **not-sasha:** sure :)

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** i'm sorry, u're expecting me to not say yes to meeting people who know more shitty stories about u?

 **jonny del oculo:** ...yes, I don't know what I was thinking. 

**jonny del oculo:** I'll send them

 **jonny del oculo:** wait

 **jonny del oculo:** I'll be with you in a moment. 

\---

9:58 A.M.

 **jonny del oculo:** right, I'm back

 **k:** Whered you go, love? 

**jonny del oculo:** to see Rosie

 **nova o blodyn:** okay...?

 **jonny del oculo:** I've got tomorrow cleared as a day off for everyone. 

**nova o blodyn:** oh, nice

 **hawkeye mcqueen:** hella

 **not-sasha:** fantastic

 **not-sasha:** but why?

 **jonny del oculo:** because I want to start sending out concert information to people, and for that, we need posters. 

**jonny del oculo:** so if we need posters, then we need promotional images

 **jonny del oculo:** and if we need promotional images, then we need costumes.

 **c4 tim:** holy shit yes yes yes

 **jonny del oculo:** and if we need costumes, there's only one place to go. 

**jonny del oculo:** Camden market. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how's act 3 treating everyone? I'm absolutely dying inside, I cannot wait to see how it ends! I'm so glad I've got pigeon-based shenaniganry that I can fall back on to cope :D  
> Oh lads I cannot tell you how blown away I was by the response to the last chapter! I'm thrilled you all liked it so much :))))  
> Also!!! If you haven't seen it already, you should most definitely go check out [murple's amazing covers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29345577/chapters/72080526)!! They've covered two songs so far, and it's just???? Beautiful????? Honestly I don't have the words, just a lot of screaming, so go forth and click that link! If anyone else wants to join, hit them up :D  
> ETA: oops guess who forgot previous chat nicknames! Annabelle's nickname in the band chat has now been updated :P


	37. whats casual jon gonna wear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **c4 tim:** wait  
>  **c4 tim:** boss no way  
>  **c4 tim:** no fucking way oh my god !!  
>  **c4 tim:** next point, how long has marto been vibrating w laughter without me noticing???  
>  **nova o blodyn:** far too long  
>  **c4 tim:** oof  
>  **c4 tim:** w full candour and w/o any filter  
>  **c4 tim:** fuck boss that’s hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing buddy: you're calling it THERE????  
> :)

Tuesday, 8:33 P.M.

_ “jons fursona is a moth” _

**stonked:** wow its been a while lads

**stonked:** anyway theres a big q here

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ renamed the group “whats casual jon gonna wear” _

**stonked:** bc weve seen Far Too Much of office jon

**stonked:** weve seen after work jon which is just office jon

**stonked:** and weve seen water park jon

**stonked:** but never proper casual jon

**martini kart:** Well i mean

**stonked:** marto u dont count

**martini kart:** So i could give you the benefit of my experience but youre choosing to ignore that??

**martini kart:** Okay :))))

**boozeira:** Wow

**stonked:** on any other day id b so sad but on this day it doesnt matter

**stonked:** bc tomoro im gonna see the elusive casual jon in all his glory

**stonked:** and rn im building a delightful sense of anticipation

**saucy sash:** i agree with basira

**saucy sash:** wow

**stonked:** u can all shut the fuck up im just gonna sit here and daydream abt the bossmans casual cardie

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Jonathan Sims_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** So the others are asking what youre gonna be wearing tomorrow :’)))

**Martin Blackwood:** The elusive casual jon, as tim puts it

**Jonathan Sims:** christ.

**Jonathan Sims:** well. unfortunately for Tim, casual Jon will have to remain elusive.

**Martin Blackwood:** Wait jon omg

**Martin Blackwood:** What are you planning???

**Jonathan Sims:** you’ll have to wait and see.

**Martin Blackwood:** Nooo no no no mr sims you do Not get to do this to me

**Martin Blackwood:** Mr “youve gotta tell me what youre wearing martin so i dont die”

**Jonathan Sims:** what can I say

**Jonathan Sims:** your constitution is far stronger than mine

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh my god

**Martin Blackwood:** Youre such an arse :’))

**Martin Blackwood:** Id like to replace my boyfriend please?? Hes an actual arse

**Jonathan Sims:** too late

**Jonathan Sims:** you’re stuck with me for good.

**Martin Blackwood:** Goddammit :P

**Martin Blackwood:** Nah theres nobody id rather be stuck with than you <33

**Jonathan Sims:** love you too xx

\---

Wednesday, 9:39 A.M.

_ “the calliope” _

**not-sasha:** anyone know where jon is?

**not-sasha:** @Martin this is more directed at you than anyone else ig

**not-sasha:** seeing as he was the one who organised all this

**not-sasha:** and you’re the one who has the best idea of his movements outside work, hmmm?

**k:** I havent heard from him but im sure hes coming, he just ran into something probably

**nova o blodyn:** i mean, i could take everyone round

**nova o blodyn:** i’ve chased someone through here a couple of times

**c4 tim:** what a guide

**nova o blodyn:** yeah.

**nova o blodyn:** but i mean, if the tourists can make it, so can we

**c4 tim:** no thats not the point tho

**c4 tim:** god there r so many tourists tho

**hawkeye mcqueen:** ughhh i know

**c4 tim:** but we gotta do this w everyone!

**not-sasha:** hang on if i can @ martin why the fuck did i not just @ jon

**not-sasha:** @Jon where are you?

**jonny del oculo:** I’m on my way, promise

**jonny del oculo:** I shouldn’t be that much longer. I got held up for various reasons, but I’m on my way

**seph hades:** Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but I need coffee

**hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m with basira

**hawkeye mcqueen:** there’s a starbucks round the corner, meet you there jon?

**jonny del oculo:** sounds good.

**k:** See you soon love <333

\---

9:47 A.M.

**jonny del oculo:** right, I made it, I’m coming out of the station now

**jonny del oculo:** apologies for keeping you waiting, things this morning took slightly longer than anticipated

**jonny del oculo:** but I’m here.

**c4 tim:** bitch where?

**jonny del oculo:** ...

**hawkeye mcqueen:** christ tim can u think for once before u open ur mouth sometimes?

**c4 tim:** nah never ;)

**c4 tim:** but soz, boss

**jonny del oculo:** it’s alright, Tim, if I can’t handle that then we wouldn’t be friends

**c4 tim:** were friends! the bossman n i are friends! did yall hear that???

**c4 tim:** but i still cant see u

**jonny del oculo:** you should be able to

**jonny del oculo:** I’m almost right on top of you

**hawkeye mcqueen:** u could just wave or something

**jonny del oculo:** no, since Tim’s brought it up, I want to see how long it’ll take

**c4 tim:** i dont???

**seph hades:** Wait 

**seph hades:** Oh my fucking god Jon

**jonny del oculo:** come on, Tim

**jonny del oculo:** my first crewmate Tim lost his eyes, sure, but you don’t have that excuse

**c4 tim:** ok where the fuck did that one come from

**c4 tim:** wait

**c4 tim:** boss no way

**c4 tim:** no fucking way oh my god !!

**c4 tim:** next point, how long has marto been vibrating w laughter without me noticing???

**nova o blodyn:** far too long

**c4 tim:** oof

**c4 tim:** w full candour and w/o any filter

**c4 tim:** fuck boss that’s hot

**k:** Oi

**c4 tim:** nah it doesnt Mean mean anything, its just a statement of fact

**k:** Hmmm

**k:** Okay

**k:** Yeah youre right :)))

**jonny del oculo:** well, thank you

**jonny del oculo:** it has been a very long time since I wore any of this

**jonny del oculo:** I thought that turning up in costume would give you all a good idea of the sort of thing I expect from my crew. and this is Camden, so I can guarantee that nobody will give me so much as a second glance

**seph hades:** Correct about Camden, very wrong about this being “your crew”

**jonny del oculo:** I have to admit, I missed this

**jonny del oculo:** and also, the costume is missing something. it’s Jonny d’Ville, yes, but it’s not quite Jonny del Oculo.

**not-sasha:** so let’s go let’s go let’s go! oh man i’m so keen to get into this

\---

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ to  _ **_Sasha James_ **

**Timothy Stoker:** sash

**Timothy Stoker:** sash help me im very very bi

**Sasha James:** oof me too

**Sasha James:** still tho

**Sasha James:** that is too many belts for one man

**Timothy Stoker:** upon further reflection u make a v good point

**Timothy Stoker:** so many belts

**Timothy Stoker:** we need to convince him to reduce his belt crimes

**Sasha James:** agreed

\---

_ “whats casual jon gonna wear” _

**boozeira:** Well I don’t think any of us were expecting full-on Mechs costume

**martini kart:** God no not even me

**martini kart:** I mean he gave me the tiniest of heads ups??? Like i knew he was gonna do something but omggg

**martini kart:** Guyssss why am i so lucky

**not-sasha:** martin babe i thought the gay pining was meant to stop after you got together?

**martini kart:** Yeah its not gay pining anymore its just gay awe :))))

\---

9:54 A.M.

_ “the calliope” _

**c4 tim:** wait yall go on without me

**c4 tim:** iv just seen the Best shirt ever

**not-sasha:** if it’s the knockoff garfield one, i saw it too and i’m disowning you if you buy it

**c4 tim:** no comment

**c4 tim:** ill meet u at the old stables bit?

**jonny del oculo:** sure

**not-sasha:** wait tim i’m coming with

**not-sasha:** i saw funky coats i want funky coats

**seph hades:** Let me know if you see a (cheap) leather jacket!

**not-sasha:** will do, babe!

\---

10:00 A.M.

**k:** Oh no guys you just missed a classic slightly sad jon moment

**k:** Were walking down the street and jon just stops and goes

**k:** “And over there is the pret where i had an existential crisis in third year uni”

**jonny del oculo:** may I remind you that I'm still in this chat

**jonny del oculo:** and it wasn’t sad! it was just

**jonny del oculo:** existential

**not-sasha:** dw babe we’ve all been there

**hawkeye mcqueen:** have we tho?

**c4 tim:** like literally two days ago

**nova o blodyn:** had a big one after quitting the force

**seph hades:** ^

**k:** My entire teens was an existential crisis :///

**hawkeye mcqueen:** ...yeah okay me too

**hawkeye mcqueen:** another great thing to team bond over

**jonny del oculo:** you say that like you’re surprised

**hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah fuck it i have no idea why i was

\---

10:03 A.M.

_ “whats casual jon gonna wear” _

**boozeira:** Okay but has anyone else noticed how different Jon is acting today?

**boozeira:** Well, not different, different, but 

**boozeira:** When I first met him, when I was dropping off those tapes, he was so... uptight

**boozeira:** Trying to pass himself off as so knowledgeable and so important, but there was a real underlying insecurity

**dui:** yeah

**dui:** christ, the fucker just had vibes

**dui:** not for anything in particular, just. generally shady.

**dui:** god i’m so glad my head was forcibly removed from my arse re that whole “looks kinda worried therefore must be guilty of something” mindset, otherwise things could’ve got real bad

**c4 tim:** yeesh

**saucy sash:** yeah jon often just looks worried

**saucy sash:** he had real paranoia issues once upon a time, probably due to all the fuckery 

**dui:** exactly my point

**dui:** acab and i should know

**boozeira:** Huzzah for lots of counselling and cognitive retraining

**boozeira:** Anyway, point is, Jon’s obviously been so much better for ages

**boozeira:** I noticed the change when we first started working here properly, even with everything else going on, but he’s still got a very distinct way of carrying himself

**boozeira:** But now? It’s completely different

**dui:** yeah

**dui:** he’s full on like

**dui:** strutting

**stonked:** i cannot beLieve u guys r doing an analysis of the bossman’s walk while im not there

**dui:** you snooze you lose, stoker

**saucy sash:** ooooOOOoooo

**moscow muleanie:** and he’s bantering

**moscow muleanie:** not the odd cutting comment, or being the sort of prick he was when i gave my statement

**moscow muleanie:** but he’s actually bantering, like, happily chatting shit back to the guy who complimented the costume

**moscow muleanie:** (dude fuckin loved it, if we put up posters here i reckon we’ve got another concert attendee)

**stonked:** incredible

**martini kart:** I think the costume is such a big part of the character that he just falls into it a bit :)))

**martini kart:** Its cute actually!!!

**martini kart:** And like

**martini kart:** We all know hes a petty bitch and we love him for it, me most of all

**martini kart:** But part of the character is that he says all that stuff properly out loud?? Not just muttering it to us

**martini kart:** Anyway long story short i love him so much <333

**moscow muleanie:** disgusting

**moscow muleanie:** u fuckin saps :-)

**martini kart:** <333

**saucy sash:** jon’s walk aside

**saucy sash:** lads i bought the coat!!

**saucy sash:** it’s like

**saucy sash:** vaguely military style but also vaguely lolita style and i’m in love

**moscow muleanie:** nice :-D

**moscow muleanie:** pics?

**saucy sash:** you’ll see it when i catch up with you guys :D

**saucy sash:** oo but i need to tell jon to wait with the proper promo pics tho

\---

_ “the calliope” _

**not-sasha:** hey jon

**not-sasha:** when were you planning on doing the publicity pics?

**jonny del oculo:** I was hoping to rope Georgie in this weekend if we all found costumes, why?

**not-sasha:** that’ll be fine then! i just didn’t want it to be today lol

**not-sasha:** i’m gonna shave one side of my head

**hawkeye mcqueen:** oh sick!

**not-sasha:** thank :D

**not-sasha:** i mean if my brain is mechanised, right? there’s some cool stuff i can do with that

**c4 tim:** ayeeee hella!

**not-sasha:** :D

**jonny del oculo:** well, you’ve got until the weekend

**jonny del oculo:** I expect only the best results

**not-sasha:** and you’ll sure get em :D

**hawkeye mcqueen:** wait camden is the home of docs right

**jonny del oculo:** don’t you dare mention that name in my presence

**jonny del oculo:** she went out of the airlock for a good reason, not that I would know what happened

**hawkeye mcqueen:** oh my fucking god jonathan del oculo sims

**hawkeye mcqueen:** u’re lucky i’ve grown to tolerate u

**hawkeye mcqueen:** u know full well i mean doc martens and u're just being

**hawkeye mcqueen:** uh

**c4 tim:** obtuse?

**hawkeye mcqueen:** exactly it, thank u

**not-sasha:** holy shit tim have you been holding that one in for literal months? 

**c4 tim:** ;)

**hawkeye mcqueen:** anyway i’ve wanted platform docs for fuckin ever

**hawkeye mcqueen:** it’s gonna be my one ~big expense~ of the day

**c4 tim:** yessssss melanie

**hawkeye mcqueen:** so i’ll meet up with tim and sasha and catch up to the rest of u in a bit :-)

**k:** Sounds good!! Good luck with your platform docs dreams :)))))

\---

10:31 A.M.

**not-sasha:** we're all here now :)

**not-sasha:** this place is such a maze, where are you guys?

**jonny del oculo:** we split up, we’re scattered around the stables market

**jonny del oculo:** Martin and I are going round some of the clothes shops here, and Daisy and Basira went their own way

**c4 tim:** cool cool

**hawkeye mcqueen:** vintage stores vintage stores vintage stores

**hawkeye mcqueen:** oh my god there are so many

**hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m gonna find me a waistcoat

**k:** Lol

**k:** See you guys later i guess?? We might run into each other by chance but its so chaotic in here :D

**not-sasha:** yeah i’ll message when i get desperately snacky lol

\---

10:46 A.M.

**k:** Oh my god guys im in one of the vintage shops and ive just found the flowiest most byronic antihero shirt ever

**k:** Its perfect

**k:** It fits and its only a fiver??? I love this place

**not-sasha:** hella :D

**k:** Oh wait hang on a sec

\---

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Annabelle Cane_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Annabelle did i just see you in the back of a shop at camden fucking market?????

**Martin Blackwood:** What the fuck are you doing here???

**Annabelle Cane:** What am I doing here?

**Annabelle Cane:** What are you doing here?

**Martin Blackwood:** Um i asked first???

**Annabelle Cane:** I thought you’d have all been at work

**Annabelle Cane:** Although I suppose this isn’t too much of a surprise, I know that Jon has been fighting against Jonah Magnus

**Annabelle Cane:** So it’s only natural that that manifests itself in him being more... rebellious

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah speaking of jon

**Martin Blackwood:** Were having a nice day out for the band!! Finding costumes and stuff!!

**Martin Blackwood:** He Cannot see you, otherwise hell go absolutely nuts

**Martin Blackwood:** Youre lucky as hell that he got distracted by the record shop next door otherwise i would not be responsible for what hed do

**Annabelle Cane:** I know, I know, he wouldn’t like to see me here

**Annabelle Cane:** Because he won’t trust that I’m not here to manipulate him

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay but youre not, tho???? Just have to check

**Martin Blackwood:** Bc you still havent said why youre actually here

**Annabelle Cane:** If I said I was just here to do a bit of shopping, would you believe me?

**Martin Blackwood:** Can i have a straight answer for once please???

**Annabelle Cane:** No :)

**Annabelle Cane:** Hold on a second

**Annabelle Cane:** Is he in costume?

**Martin Blackwood:** ......yeah

**Annabelle Cane:** Oh, that’s perfect

**Annabelle Cane:** It’s like he’s a different person when he gets into character, I love it

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah so he might actually punch you if you appear out of nowhere

**Annabelle Cane:** Hmm

**Martin Blackwood:** Please???? I dont want to be thrown out of the market for spontaneous fisticuffs

**Annabelle Cane:** He won’t see me unless I want him to

**Martin Blackwood:** Godddd i like you but you make it hard sometimes

**Annabelle Cane:** :)

\---

_ “the calliope” _

**not-sasha:** everything okay, martin?

**k:** Yeah, all good :)))

**k:** Thought i saw someone i knew, had a v v awkward moment when it wasnt them :////

**not-sasha:** oh nooooo

**c4 tim:** rip

**k:** Yeah :(((

**\---**

11:19 A.M.

**seph hades:** So the leather jacket quest is still ongoing because I haven’t found one yet in the outside bit, but what I did find was a very cool leatherworking shop

**seph hades:** @Melanie they had fancy knife holsters

**seph hades:** Sheaths? Scabbards?

**seph hades:** And @Martin they had a teacup holster that I think you might be interested in

**k:** !!!! Yes!!!

**k:** For everyday wear as well as the costume :’’’’’D

**k:** God i need this in my life, im omw

**jonny del oculo:** get two? I'll pay you back

**k:** On it :)))

\---

11:24 A.M.

**c4 tim:** yoooooo lads

**c4 tim:** iv found the best best best thing here

**seph hades:** I’m already scared

**seph hades:** But considering the things you’ve already sent us, it’s not like it can get much worse

**c4 tim:** bet?

**_Timothy Stoker_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a shelf full of quasi-Egyptian-style statuettes, mostly the stereotypical Cleopatra type thing. In pride of place at the front of the shelf, however, is a statuette of a man with an enormous penis]

**seph hades:** Oh

**nova o blodyn:** jesus h christ stoker

**k:** Tim that is Not safe for work omgggg

**hawkeye mcqueen:** u could hang ur hat on that

**hawkeye mcqueen:** where is he, so i don’t stumble across him accidentally in all the twisty corridors?

**c4 tim:** like in the centre bit

**c4 tim:** i love him and fear him

**c4 tim:** also marto were not at work ;)

**jonny del oculo:** no, but your boss and captain is also in the chat and I will shoot you if this hefty man appears in the chat again

**jonny del oculo:** or at least give you piles upon piles of the sort of paperwork that makes you wish you'd been shot

**c4 tim:** fine i wont post him in the chat again

**seph hades:** Good

**seph hades:** Thank you for stopping that one, Jon, but I hate with all my heart and soul that “hefty” was the word you went for

**jonny del oculo:** clearly I am a wordsmith.

**c4 tim:** but lads i want u all to know his name is sir schlongsalot and hes my new point of reference for anything in here

**c4 tim:** hes my boner beacon

**not-sasha:** i’m gonna try and take his phone off him

**k:** Christ please do for all our sakes!!!!

**c4 tim:** ur just jealous i found him first and he likes me the besadkjfjk34dsg

**c4 tim:** sasha here!

**c4 tim:** mission success :D

\---

11:46 A.M.

**hawkeye mcqueen:** ooooh daisy i’ve just found a jewellery shop that has some incredible rings in it

**hawkeye mcqueen:** it’s like custom silver and shit?

**hawkeye mcqueen:** u could work these into claws maybe

**nova o blodyn:** nice

**nova o blodyn:** ugh i really should've thought about this fucking character design and how having actual claws will make it fuckoff hard to play the violin

**nova o blodyn:** but we will make do

**nova o blodyn:** i will fucking glitter with menace

**c4 tim:** k my phone has been returned so i can say

**c4 tim:** hell yea dais i fkn love it :D

\---

12:12 A.M.

**_Annabelle Cane_ ** _ to  _ **_Martin Blackwood_ **

**Annabelle Cane:** Jon’s in costume partly to give you all the right kind of vibe for putting yours together, but also to find the right add-on for his own costume, yes?

**Annabelle Cane:** Making the switch from d’Ville to del Oculo, so to speak

**Martin Blackwood:** Okay so first of all im really really hoping you knowing that doesnt mean you like. Sent spiders to spy on us while we were chatting or something

**Martin Blackwood:** But yes

**Annabelle Cane:** I’m very good at picking up context clues :)

**Annabelle Cane:** Anyway, there was a second part?

**Martin Blackwood:** Yeah

**Martin Blackwood:** Youre still here and messaging me?? Why????

**Annabelle Cane:** Yes

**Annabelle Cane:** I thought you’d both be interested in this

**_Annabelle Cane_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a belt made out of woven strips of black plastic, to look like tangled magnetic tape. The buckle is shaped like a stylised cassette.]

**_Annabelle Cane_ ** _ sent a photo _

[Image ID: a eye-shaped pin made of silver and enamel so green it looks like it’s glowing. The few “eyelashes” on it curve backwards, so when the pin is worn, it would look like they’re piercing into the surface it’s pinned to.]

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh my god thats perfect?????

**Martin Blackwood:** Hed love them

**Martin Blackwood:** And that pin??? If he put it in the right spot on his chest itd look like its connected to his mechs heart ohhhh thats so good

**Martin Blackwood:** Oh but hed hate it if he knew it came from you

**Annabelle Cane:** :)

**Martin Blackwood:** Ahhhh yep i see why youre messaging now

**Annabelle Cane:** And the penny drops!

**Martin Blackwood:** Dammit yeah youre right

**Martin Blackwood:** Ill try and get him to find it without any mention of you

**Annabelle Cane:** That’s all I wanted :)

**Martin Blackwood:** So much complicated avatar bullshit i swear to god

**Martin Blackwood:** Is this an avatar thing??? Or a web specific thing??? Or just a you thing????

**Annabelle Cane:** Yes :)

**Annabelle Cane:** And I don’t even get a thank you for finding the, and I quote, “perfect” finishing touches for your boyfriend’s costume?

**Martin Blackwood:** Well see if hell actually take them first ://

**Annabelle Cane:** Fair enough. Good luck!

\---

12:25 P.M.

**not-sasha:** ooh i have been tempted by a pretty rock shop

**not-sasha:** see you guys in about five hours

**jonny del oculo:** you believe in that?

**not-sasha:** not at fucking all

**not-sasha:** but pretty rocks are pretty?

**not-sasha:** and they just feel nice to hold? all smooth and cool and heavy

**seph hades:** Okay

**seph hades:** But I am getting peckish, should we all meet up somewhere for lunch?

**seph hades:** Dais and I are in the outside section, we found some good costume stuff

**not-sasha:** mkay, i can put the pretty rocks aside for lunch :)

**jonny del oculo:** I think we’re all fairly scattered

**jonny del oculo:** shall we meet up at a central point and then head out for food?

**k:** Sounds good, love :)

**nova o blodyn:** suits us

**c4 tim:** k lads lets meet up by the egyptian stall

**c4 tim:** not the one with sir schlongsalot 

**c4 tim:** the big sparkly one on the way in

**not-sasha:** uh

**c4 tim:** i kno ur directionally challenged, sash, but u cant miss it, its right by one of the entrances

**not-sasha:** yeah um

**not-sasha:** so about that

**not-sasha:** i’ve been going round the same circuit

**not-sasha:** for a while actually

**nova o blodyn:** .

**nova o blodyn:** .

**nova o blodyn:** hate to break it to you all

**nova o blodyn:** but basira and i came in through the door we went out by and i’m pretty sure this isn’t the area around the door that i recognise

**seph hades:** No, it’s definitely not

**seph hades:** Fuck

**c4 tim:** cmon im sure its fine

**c4 tim:** im not accepting anything else its fine its fine its fine

**c4 tim:** im definitely not getting freaked out bc iv been retracing my steps and i cant find sir s at all

**k:** Yeah its happening to me too

**k:** Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this is Not good

**k:** Im with jon so i know hes okay but @Melanie check in?????

**k:** Jons trying to Know whats going on so we can try and get out of whatever this is

**k:** But hes not having much luck i think??? Hes looking really headachey and i think im going to have to tell him to stop soon bc its not good for him

**hawkeye mcqueen:** yeah i’m here

**hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m bouncing from record shop to record shop to record shop and i do not like it

**hawkeye mcqueen:** this is real fuckin bad guys

**seph hades:** At least we’ve still got reception. At least we can still talk to each other

**c4 tim:** that is literally the only thing keeping me sane rn

**hawkeye mcqueen:** i’m gonna see if i can get georgie to come help

**k:** Good idea

**\---**

**_Martin Blackwood_ ** _ to  _ **_Annabelle Cane_ **

**Martin Blackwood:** Annabelle did you do this what the fuck is going on??????

**Martin Blackwood:** Annabelle??????

**\---**

**_Melanie King_ ** _ to  _ **_Georgie Barker_ **

**Melanie King:** g things are bad 

**Melanie King:** we’re in camden and it’s all gone weird

**Melanie King:** come asap please

**Melanie King:** g

**Melanie King:** fuck these aren’t going through

**Melanie King:** fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

**Melanie King:** come as soon as you get these

**Melanie King:** i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know I'm being evil again but everything will be Fine I promise! The gang and their costumes will all get out of this intact, we're still a safe refuge from the Big Stuff going down in canon <33  
> A lot of this is pulled from my own experiences with Camden Market! The existential crisis in a Pret a Manger, Sir Schlongsalot, and most of the stalls are all things I've encountered :D It's a mad place, and thinking about it for about 10 seconds inspired this escapade...

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Elias Bouchard Hate Group](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718007) by [StarReads](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarReads/pseuds/StarReads)
  * [TFOJMAS covers - based on 'we should ride this wave to shore'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29345577) by [murple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/murple/pseuds/murple)




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